W1/D4

S: Still no progress on the Ma'at invocation. Prayer. Mantra. I don't know what the heck to call these - I'll have to figure that out. Anyhow, as I was going to sleep last night, I realized that really, I should call on Ma'at at the end of the day. Hrm, refocus my intentions on her. Review my day, and make sure that I'm cool with her. I don't know. I'm going to keep thinking on this one.
Got up this morning and broke out my Buddist meditation cards I got at last Yule, finally. It's a fabulous resource to shape my meditation.
DH asked me why I was getting up early, and I shared it with him.

C: Wrote the WOD blog, already. Have decided that I will allow myself some leeway, and give myself a requirement of 7K words a week, that way, I can crank it out on the weekends, if need be. I'm a bit distracted at work.

P: Worked out last night, lower body, it hurt but good. Did 12 pushups - I'm going to try the 100 pushups challenge - why not!?

F: Found a way to create a free penny book - now to figure out the format!
Also, I've changed my mind about the alarm clock - for right now. I'm going to do a bit of a sleep experiment for the next few weeks, and we'll see how that works out.

WOD3 - Rationale

I think that life, in general, tends to go smoother when you have a rationale for what you do, how you react, and how you think. That could be an aspect of my logically oriented mind, but - damn, sometimes it seems like some things are straightforward.
Some things are simple. Some thing just are - and you can ignore them, claim exceptions, tapdance a hulahoop around them, but it doesn't change the way it is.
And, it puzzles me, I guess it the best word, that some people really don't accept that fact. It's not that they are crazy, but they are living in their own world, built from denial, and when their world slams itno reality and cracks the image - it's everyone else's fault but their own.
I strive to be logical. I know I'm not perfect, so there are huge gaps - huge faultlines, in fact, between the woman that I strive to be, and the woman that I currently am. Some, I've looked into, and faced forthrightly. Others, I'm still dancing around. And I'm sure there are some that I truly haven't even noticed yet. But - at least I'm making the effort to look, and see.

Part of the reason that I'm able to make the effort is because I don't have to focus all of my mental energy on just living. On just negotiating my community, my relationships, my work to try to keep them all tettering just on the edge of destruction. I'm not saying my shit is tight, but overall, it's stable.

Can there be clear thinking in the midst of chaos? Be it internal or external - can the time be made to actually - think - when you are in the ye of the storm? I think that the answer has to be no - the human mind isn't wired that way. Monkey brain demands that you survive, then think. And if you have been socialized into believing that every day is a survival situation (whether it is one, in reality, or not) then you'll never be able to clearly think.

W1/D3

S: Checked out my Book of Egyptian Prayers, and found an excellent prayer/call/hymn/worship for Djehuty - only a couple of lines, and I have it memorized, already. Now, to cocreate one for Ma'at.
I know that what I'm doing - in choosing to worship Ma'at - is - anachronistic. I'm not sure that's the right word, actually. It's not authentic. The AE's didn't really worship her as a goddess in her own right - there are few hymns to her, there are no temples in her honor, and even those refered to as her priests, were actually judges and not really priests, at all.
At the same time, she was the energy - the unifying myth - of AE culture. Hrm. Perhaps that is why there is no separate center of worship for her - your life, if lived rightly, was a act of worship of Ma'at, in toto. Hrm. I'll have to think over that, a bit more.

C: Still using my daily prompt - it feels very forced, though. Very dry. I think that as I continue to do it, I'll get more into the flow of it, and get more 'loose' and yet more focused at the same time.
I haven't touched NEC, at all. *sigh* I'm at a point of the story where I could go a couple of different directions. I can, right now, throw in several different twists, and that is what has me - I won't say stuck, but stalling. Maybe I can finish out this chapter a couple of different ways, and see which one grabs me more. Maybe.

P: Haven't even thought about the menu - had McD's for dinner last night and lunch today, no clue what dinner will be tonight. Actually, I take that back. I have a whole horde of frozen chicken breasts in the freezer at home. I'll have DH grill up about 10 of them, and then I'll cut them up, refreeze them, and bring them to work, along with a bottle of my favorite salad dressing. That way, all I have to do before bed is tear up some lettuce, chop some tomato and cucumber, and slide it into a bowl. I actually do want to stop at BigLots or something - maybe Friday night - and pick up a big bowl with a lid that will be exclusively for my lunch salads.

F: Spent 13 bucks and some change last night on McD's (4 meals @ ~3.25 each), and I'm going to spend 6 bucks on the Powerball tonight. I considered going to WholePaycheck before Realm last night, but opted not to. I don't really need any danngone AO, and I have the J/A/S/O/N at home that I haven't even opened yet. I'll be fine.
Also, I've decided what I'm saving up for - I want one of the alarm clocks that measures what stage of REM you are in, and wakes you up then. Though, if I keep waking up at 5am (5:30ish today), I might just get up then!

WOD2 - Ephemeral

My birthday is in 6 days, and it's reminding me of the unavoidable trickle of time.

It's funny, because one of my consistent complaints has been how I feel stagnant - like nothing is changing, nothing is moving around me. Somehow, I'm ignoring the march of time - the simple fact that every second, every instant, is a new moment - never seen before, never to be seen again. And yeah, while it's true that the events of the past set the stage for the next second - it's still changing/morphing/growing. The only thing around here that is stagnant is me.

So.

I'm not going to be putting my life on hold for a baby, anymore, for one thing. I'm not going to go out and set myself for something that is totally incompatible with children, or get my tubes tied, or anything, but I'm gently letting the sense of certainty that at some point, there will be children in my life, go. It's, it's been interesting. I'm hoping that it lasts, this time - and I think that I have more than enough other things/potential going on in my life to fill any gaps that pushing that vision of my future out will leave behind.

I'm letting go of the idea that I'll ever escape corporate America, and at the same time, I'm putting in more effort into my entrapuenial goals, that will allow me to leave.

I'm letting go of the concept that I'll always be fat. I've got plenty of time to lose weight, and even if it's slow, if it's consistent, I'll get there.

Like sand trickling through my fingers, like dew evaporating in the sun, I'm losing time - I'm getting closer and closer to death, and I'm starting to feel like I haven't really been living for quite a while.

At least I realized this young.

WOD1 - Bourgeois

I never really minded being called bougie. In fact, I think of it as a compliment. In my mind, being bougie means being cultured. Being classy. Being graceful. Having aspirations of doing big things with your life that don't involve selling yourself, whether implicitly or explicitly.
Of course, bougie also has the connotations of being stuck up, of thinking that you are better than others, of being 'too good'.

And what if that is the case? What if I am better than you when it comes to XYZ - as long as there is still enough humility in my heart to know that I am not perfect, then the fact that I am, indeed, better than you in various areas is just a statement of fact.
Who are these people who don't want to be better? Who are these people that believe there is a ceiling to 'good', and trying to break through that ceiling means that you are abandoning your 'people' and trying to escape where you came from. Sometimes, you come from shit, and there is no shame in trying to escape. The shame is in wallowing in it joyfully, and believing that it's the best available.

bougie
highclass highyellow think you are so
high and mighty
bougie, bitch.
sat down somewhere
and be low
be slow
be happy with what you got
unless you want to be
like them.
bougie.

Since I was a young girl, I've always wanted to be classy. The sort of smooth graceful class that never seems to trip, never makes a misstep, is comfortable in any environment with any class of people. I wanted to be gracious, graceful, elegant.

In some ways, I'm sure it was overcompensation for the ignorant, clumsy, overweight, poor, occasionally obtuse child that I was - we always want what we aren't. It was inspired by the books I read that showed people living seemingly fault-free lives outside of the drama required to keep the book moving. The heroine, even if she started out as a clumsy oaf, would end the book polished, poised, and graceful.

A lot of grace was taught to me at a young age. How to walk, smoothly and gracefully via a dictionary on the head. How to speak, clearly and crisply, so that my words weren't mushed or mumbled. How to move - smoothly and swiftly and gracefully through crowds. Most of this was taught to me in an effort to make me a better wife/domestic/serving girl, but that's neither here nor there.

As I got older, though, and started interacting with largely AA young adults, I was tarred with the 'bougie' brush. I was accused of acting white. I resented the implications that without flaunting your value, you were perceived to have no value. Classiness doesn't flaunt, it just is. It doesn't have to flaunt, to pose, to posture to prove it's worth.

W1/D2

Week 1:
C: Find a daily inspiration for blogging/poetry
S: Memorize one morning prayer
P: Create a weekly lunch menu
F: Recreate a penny book

So far, I'm changing. I'm not perfect, but that's not going to happen overnight - but as long as I'm walking in the direction I know I want to go - it's okay. It's not the speed, it's the direction that matters.

C: I've set up myYahoo, and it offers a word of the day. I suspect I'll blog on today's word a little later. And, I've checked out the end of NEC - where I 'left' it, and the crap that I thought I wrote, I actually hadn't written, and what's there isn't half bad, so I should be able to take off from there.

S: I want to open my mornings with an invocation to Ma'at - reminding myself to keep my ears and my heart open to her guidelines, and to make my spirit bright. With that in mind, I've done some web trawling, and I'm going to create a morning hymn loosely based off of those. I struggled getting up this morning - didn't make it out of bed until 8. Oddly enough, I woke up spontaneously at 5:00 on the nose, feeling well rested and refreshed. *sigh* I went to bed at 11pm - so not too bad, but could be better.

P: No menu - but I did bring in lunch this morning - soup, crackers, cheese and cookies. And, I ate a salad and exercised last night - full 45 minutes.

F: I withdrew $40 on Sunday, and haven't spent any yet. I need to rummage around in my paper stash and see if I have any small notebooklets - otherwise, I'll have to buy one.

I think that's it for today's update.

Tonight, I want to:
1) Publish the blog entries
2) Create a iPod playlist for writing
3) Find a drum album on iTunes and burn it to CD for working out with/to
4) Read my treadmill instructions

Out of the dust....

*blows away the dust*

It's a new year. Welcome, 2009! I actually made a resolution this year - Change. Simply that. That will be my mantra, my focus, my meditation, for the year.

I've already created my work calendar (gods bless Excel!) and found a wide variety of monthly quotes all based on change to inspire me through the month.

So. In the spirit of change, I'm dusting off this blog. I've been doing a lot of talking - and thinking - and haven't been fully exploring and recording the thoughts/ideas/concepts I've been having - and that is something I do not want to get in the habit of.

Each month, I want to focus on two things in each area of my life to change, and I want to have a place of accountability, for each.

For the month of January:

Creatively, I still haven't decided what my 'second' change will be. My first is writing 1000 words a day, starting with NEC and/or a poem, a day. My second.... hrm. I think I would like for it to be blogging here - but what about? I'll find - something - to give me a daily inspiration/something to think on. I will maintain accountability here and in the LYCD thread.

Spiritually, I'm going to start meditating every morning. I'm also going to start working on my BoMP - I don't want to procrastinate the way I did with 2nd. I will maintain accountability here.

Physically, I'm going to work out 5 days a week, and I'm going to wake up at 7am to make a lunch to take to work with me. I will maintain accountability in the FFF thread.

Financially, I'm going to aim towards spending 20 dollars a week, outside of gas, and saving 20 dollars a week for my tattoo/piercings. I will maintain accountability, here.

I also want to establish weekly 'mini-goals', of things that I can do in each arena - I figure that will keep things interesting/active.

Week 1:
C: Find a daily inspiration for blogging/poetry
S: Memorize one morning prayer
P: Create a weekly lunch menu
F: Recreate a penny book

So. I think that's it, for right now. I'm going to open RD to serve as a reminder, and I'm going to go and look for blog inspirations. I hope to post here, at least once a day.

Change.

Polishing my Pretty

I'm not a bad looking woman, overall. Some days, I feel prettier than I do on other days - but I think that's just how things are.

However, I've realized that there are several minor things that I can do - that I would actually enjoy doing - that will make those 'I look good' days pop up much more frequently.
It's a logical extension of my hair obsession - starting from the top, and trickling it's way down.
I'm already all over my face - I've got a pretty good routine (OCM, TTO Cream, Ayurvedic Cream) going on there.

I'm in the process of working on my body - and interestingly enough, for once, it's not REALLY for appearance reasons, and I'm happy with that. I'm motivated - highly - to lose weight, but it's not because I want to change my body - it's truly because it's healthier for me. That 'clicked' as I was leaving the gym last night, and realized that I was down 6 pounds from where I thought I was. So, this year, so far, I've lost 17 pounds - without really feeling like I've been on a diet, OR really pushing myself all that hard. That's impressive - to me, at least. A loss of 3.5 pounds a month, WITHOUT really working all that hard at it? Nice, very nice.

Also, the Metformin has really given me hope. I've ALWAYS felt like I was fighting my body when it came to loosing weight - that it rather stubbornly WANTED to hold onto to the fat, and damn whatcha heard, it was GOING to.

As I was telling C, I'm pretty certain that my insulin resistance is what caused Atkins to crap out on me. I lost 60 pounds - sticking to the diet, and doing some minimal exercise. Then I plateaued, and plateaued HARD. I added exercise - nothing. I maintained, yeah, but literally - I didn't lose another POUND - and then, my eating slipped, and it slammed back on like white on rice. I think that Atkins was able to suppress my insulin response enough that I could drop those initial pounds - but once my body got smaller, Atkins was no longer able to suppress my insulin enough to allow me - in a smaller body - to keep losing weight.

I'm already eating a low GI diet - definitely NOT very lowcarb, but I really don't want to go back to low-carb - I'm much more into eating REAL food, now, and the low-carb stuff - meh. It's just as bad as the other processed options out there. The lowGI diet though, is really what I lost those 17 pounds on - seriously cutting uberstarchy stuff out of my diet (though, popcorn, I still love thee!!).
And, I'm already exercising - not consistently, but that's my goal for May - to be pissing on point, 5 of out 7 days. C only works out 3 days - but now that he has a job, he's not home when I get home, so I can work out EVERY DAY if I want to. Fridays are always the hardest, as I just wanna fall out once I get home from work - but I think that it will always be 'weight' day, which, while sucky, is a shorter period of suck than cardio. *lol*

So, yeah. I think that I've got the body stuff down.

My next area of work?

Clothes.

It's really kinda sad, the clothing that I wear. It's old, it's decrepit, it's holey - but I keep on wearing it because I like it, it's comfy, and it fits my body type.
Which, really, is sad, considering that I OWN a sewing machine.
So. Over the last few days, I've been plotting out my wardrobe.

Really, I'm pretty consistent in the things that I like to wear, and the things that look good on me. Rather simply, it's this:

Long skirts - preferably ankle length. I really don't like how I look in most pants (because of the thighs almighty) and short skirts make me look stubby because I have surprisingly small calves/ankles relative to the rest of my body. Not too full, but definitely not straight, either.

Babydoll Shirts - with a band/pull in right under my boobs (which are, despite my belly, STILL the biggest part of my upper body), so that it accentuates the positive, and lightly skims over the negative. I don't care if it 'makes me look pregnant' as I've got a 4 month belly on me, anyhow. I realized that almost EVERY single one of the shirts I wear on a regular basis are that style, and there's a whole range of ways to make them look different, and still be the same basic style.

Tank Tops - I live in these, seriously. I sleep/exercise/work/cook/clean/live in a tank top, 90% of the time. I'm sure I can make them for cheaper (and sturdier!) with some ease.

Button Down Shirts - these are usually used as cover-ups/layering over tank tops during 'inbetween' weather. Preferably no chest pockets, and 3/4 length sleeves.

Tunic Sweaters - my standard winter time gear - hip length sweaters, layered over a tank top.

Dresses - for those days that I really don't feel like coordinating anything - an empire waisted (or wrap) dress, preferably ankle length as well - and 3/4 length sleeves. Basically, a shirt and a skirt joined as one.

And that's IT. Most of my wardrobe that I actually wear fits into one of the above categories.

It's stupid easy to sew long skirts, and tank tops - those are what I'm going to start with, just to get me in a sewing mindset.
Next, I'll tackle the babydoll shirts (as shirts are kinda easy for me to buy, it's bottoms I'm never happy with), and then the dresses. The last thing I'll start to work on are the buttondown shirts, as I suspect they'll be rather 'tricky'. And that's it.
I don't knit, so I won't be making any sweaters - but my sweaters are actually holding up rather well. They need to be throughly defuzzed, but otherwise, I can definitely rock them for another year.

So, yeah. I'm feeling - really, really, really good about things, just, overall - I feel - healthy. In spirit, mostly, but it's been a while.

Glow/Gratitude/Green

Things have been - exceptionally good.

I think it's a combination of several things - the weather has changed (finally), I've become more authentic (really, I have), and I've decided to appreciate life more.

It's amazing how little shifts in your mental mood can just ripple out and carry on for days/weeks - I don't know what it is, I just know I feel good. And I'm not worried about feeling good, I'm not concerned - and - it's really nice.

Finally had my follow-up appt. with the RE to analyze the 15 various vials of blood they've taken over the last few weeks.

My FSH was mostly within bounds - once it was 12.6, but I had uber high estrogen the same day, so that one doesn't count. The others were 7.7/7.6, so almost perfectly normal - So glad that I'm still able to be easily stimulated. *wiggles eyebrows*

My thyroid seems to be working normally, and I'm not anemic.

However - my LH - which should have been between 1 and 18 on CD3/4 - was 50. FIFTY! *lmao*

That, plus the fact that my testosterone is BARELY within normal (on the very high end of 'normal'), combined with the 13 or so cysts on my ovaries that he saw on the ultrasound ended up in a diagnosis of PCOS.
No big surprise there. I've had http://www.pcosupport.org up in a tab for the last two days, and I still haven't looked at it. It's not that I'm avoiding it, perse, I'm just not bloody READY for it.

So, he put me on 1700mg of Metformin, and he's scheduled me for a hysteroscopy on May 9th, because he still feels that my lining was too thick, and he wants to check for lesions and take a biopsy of my uterine lining. So. That's an out-patient procedure - but they are putting me under! I don't know how I feel about that. Mrr.

I took my first Met pill last night, and joy of joys, while I didn't have any tummy bubbling, I'm peeing out of my ass now, which while uncomfy, is at least controllable. I'm only going to be taking one dose for a week (850mg), and then I'm going to ramp up to taking two a day.

I'm really utterly unsurprised that I'm insulin resistant, and I suspect it would tie in if I was gluten-sensitive too.

I've already been tweaking my diet, and since I HAVE to eat with Met, breakfast is actually going to become a regular part of my day. I'm really excited to see what, if any, weight loss improvements I have while I'm on this. I've got a years supply from the one script, so - I hope it goes well.

Changes

I want to be sure, I want to remind myself, that even if my pregnancy, birth, conception, whatever, don't go the way that I would most prefer them to go - the research, study, and thought I have put into making the choice is always the wise way of doing things.

Very simply. Even if I'm wrong - at least be wrong, and partially informed. Or wrong, and fully informed. Or right, and partially/fully informed. Just - don't be ignorant.

That's really all I hope for myself some days - to be still willing - still open - still wise enough to learn. It's a backwards sort of wisdom - not the wisdom that comes with age, but the wisdom that is inherent in youth.

Learn. With every breath, with every moment - they are all different, somehow, and young wisdom knows that a different environment/episode is an environment to learn from. So, learn.

That's what I ask of myself. To be consciously willing to LEARN from every moment of my life - no matter how mundane.

And the Yale Student? Told the deans it was a lie, told the NY Times she told the Deans it was a lie to preserve her exhibit.

I still think she's lying - esp. since she admits she never took a pregnancy test.

Interestingly enough, without proof of her being pregnant, I actually find it a slightly more - thought-provoking and evocative piece - looking at the inherent - fragility of the line between life and new life.

I don't know.

The more drama, the more 'artistic' it is....

*hrmph*