Glow/Gratitude/Green

Things have been - exceptionally good.

I think it's a combination of several things - the weather has changed (finally), I've become more authentic (really, I have), and I've decided to appreciate life more.

It's amazing how little shifts in your mental mood can just ripple out and carry on for days/weeks - I don't know what it is, I just know I feel good. And I'm not worried about feeling good, I'm not concerned - and - it's really nice.

Finally had my follow-up appt. with the RE to analyze the 15 various vials of blood they've taken over the last few weeks.

My FSH was mostly within bounds - once it was 12.6, but I had uber high estrogen the same day, so that one doesn't count. The others were 7.7/7.6, so almost perfectly normal - So glad that I'm still able to be easily stimulated. *wiggles eyebrows*

My thyroid seems to be working normally, and I'm not anemic.

However - my LH - which should have been between 1 and 18 on CD3/4 - was 50. FIFTY! *lmao*

That, plus the fact that my testosterone is BARELY within normal (on the very high end of 'normal'), combined with the 13 or so cysts on my ovaries that he saw on the ultrasound ended up in a diagnosis of PCOS.
No big surprise there. I've had http://www.pcosupport.org up in a tab for the last two days, and I still haven't looked at it. It's not that I'm avoiding it, perse, I'm just not bloody READY for it.

So, he put me on 1700mg of Metformin, and he's scheduled me for a hysteroscopy on May 9th, because he still feels that my lining was too thick, and he wants to check for lesions and take a biopsy of my uterine lining. So. That's an out-patient procedure - but they are putting me under! I don't know how I feel about that. Mrr.

I took my first Met pill last night, and joy of joys, while I didn't have any tummy bubbling, I'm peeing out of my ass now, which while uncomfy, is at least controllable. I'm only going to be taking one dose for a week (850mg), and then I'm going to ramp up to taking two a day.

I'm really utterly unsurprised that I'm insulin resistant, and I suspect it would tie in if I was gluten-sensitive too.

I've already been tweaking my diet, and since I HAVE to eat with Met, breakfast is actually going to become a regular part of my day. I'm really excited to see what, if any, weight loss improvements I have while I'm on this. I've got a years supply from the one script, so - I hope it goes well.

Getting and Being

That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You To Seek was a really, really good book. I'm still thinking about little bits and pieces of it, two days later.

One of the things that they talked about was the difference between GETTING angry and BEING angry.

It that, there is nothing wrong with getting angry - anger is an emotion, just as valid and valuable as love. However, being that anger - holding in inside of you and letting it rule your choices and your thoughts - that's the problematic point. They suggested once you are angry, looking past your anger and identifying the actual root emotion. Anger, really, is a shield of some sort - and without looking past the shield, you'll never just be able to get angry, and let it go.

It's really challenging for me, because first I have to identify the feeling that I'm having AS anger. I'm so used to repressing anger (because I'm zen, you see, and things simply roll off of my back), that when I really am angry - I'm either a firey inferno, or I'm crying - or I'm denying what I'm feeling is anger at all.

Poetgirl commented that once the year mark hits, things start to get really hard, emotionally. I was thinking today (as I was putting in my CP/CM notes) that I'm really tired. I want to run away and hide from this, because emotionally, it's stressing me. It's straining me, and it feels all so hopeless, sometimes. I've promised myself that I will not change anything that I'm doing until after the RE appt - then we might have to reconsider things. More for me, than for him, as I don't even know/think it matters, to him.

Speaking of the RE, their receptionist is smart enough to check with the insurance company BEFORE you come in, and she let me know that our visit will be 361.00 out of pocket. Which, is more than we should be spending (I need to figure out which credit card to put that on), but it's the last medical thing that we'll be doing, except for maybe another SA - so I figure it's worth getting the information. He want's Dr. R to send over my scans from the HSG, so I need to call their office and have them do that today, too.

I don't think I'm angry, though. I don't think what I'm feeling is anger. Disappointment? Sadness? Frustration? Anger? See. Maybe there is, just a little anger in there. I don't know. I regularly examine/talk to myself to see if I'm blaming myself for this - don't think that the thought has gone through my mind several times that I might have killed the only child I was ever going to be able to have. The fact that I got pregnant around the same age as my mom, who only had me, despite YEARS of trying for siblings - horrifies me on a regular basis, but I try to not hold onto it. It slides through, and I marvel at the fact that I would be mother to a seven year old, and then it fades away. But, oh, it's always there.

I don't know. I really just want to let the whole thing go, at least for a little while.

And then - C still doesn't have a job. It's going on - almost three months now? He's still looking, hard, and we are still okay- though we are dipping into the savings, and I'm seriously considering majorly dipping into the savings, paying off the IRS and Sears and the Home Depot store card, and - moving on from there.
But then, we are also kicking around the idea of opening a restuarant. We have picked out a location, and we've put together ideas & a menu. Now, we are going to start working on the business plan, and trying to find financing. With the market as it is now, I'm seriously doubting that we'll....... well. Just as I started writing that sentence, I got an alert that my horoscope for today had just hit my inbox.

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, March 19:
Gather your resources and figure out how best to use them for the upcoming
months or so. It's a great day for making plans -- even for several years from
now! Your good energy is perfect for the task.

*blink* Well. Fine, then. I'll do that. I don't know how 'good' my energy is (ahh, that's another thing - not breaking things up into good/bad, but just seeing them as they are. So, my energy is - focused, I think. My energy is ready for a change, and it's in a very Fuck All Ya'll kinda mood, which means my normal reluctance towards change might not be in such a high gear).......

I'll be vested on Friday.

Work has been - well, it's been a bit better. I had my performance review (no raise for me this year, no suprise there!), and - I think some things were laid on the table. I think there will be some shakeups - and well, change is - change. Hopefully, for the better. I'm busier (minutely, and it's more me making myself feel like it actually MATTERs - attitude shift, one could say), but I realized that I've been, more or less, doing the same damn thing for the last 8 years. I don't know - I think I might be ready for a change. I can't believe it's been 3 years already.

But, with the restaurant, my main - inital thoughts for a change (going into consulting) simply wouldn't be an option, as I would need to be at the restaurant after leaving my 'day job'.

And then, there's always in the back of my mind the thought that maybe it's a blessing that we haven't concieved yet, maybe there is a reason. Maybe the worlds really about to go all to shit, and we're being spared the stress of caring for a babe. Maybe we are meant to adopt, instead. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

I don't know. All I know is that..... I am. Right now, that's all I'm certain of, and heaven knows, sometimes I wonder if it's all just a dream.

I think my next book will be my birthday gift from my momma, though.

Vict. It's an interesting prefix - goes the gamut from victorious to victim.

I'm - gods, I'm impatient lately. Easily irritated with - everyone. Everything. Life. Just - like I have a pebble in my emotional shoe, and I don't know how to take my shoes off.

So, instead I walk about, hobbled and limping, but at least I'm not being a raging bitch - which would be my usual reaction to the pebble. It's not their fault I'm persnickety.

I don't like being persnickety. I don't like FEELING persnickety. I'm a generally nice, level headed, non-confrontational person who is about good at keeping her mouth shut when - well, when it's not really my place to speak.

Oh, and I'm just BRIMFUL with good advice, and wisdom and such, don'tchaknow? I realized (bugger, need to do my Second Realm reading tonight!) that I've had those particular traits for quite a while, actually - the deep seated desire/need for people to do things MY way. I'm adult enough now to realize that it won't happen, but I'm not mature enough to TRULY gracefully accept that fact.

Yeah, I've got a bad case of Queen of the World going on, over here.

Whatever. Admitting it though, does feel pretty darn good. *sigh* Maybe it will blunt the sharpness of my tongue.

Though, there are the days when I wonder just WHY I should be less - blunt. Probably because I don't like hurting people, and I think my tongue (and my insight) can be a deadly weapon, if not used with caution. It's not a butter knife, it's a bloody broadsword.

And I'm DREADING the drive I have to take tonight - I'm going to pick up some fresh maple syrup, and I have to go into the 'riche' section of town to do so, and it'll be rush hour, and oh MY but how rude and - inconsiderate! - drivers tend to be in that area. *sigh*

I'm pretty sure the fact that I've been cold most of the day, AND I haven't eaten today doesn't help my mood, either. *sigh* I want to go home cheerful, though - that's the least I can do.

Usually a little music helps - so hopefully I'll unwind a bit.

I really want a bloody cigarette.

*sigh*

The Bitch Stirs

I don't know what else to call it/her/that side. ShadowSelf, maybe? Heh, wouldn't that be interesting - I need to go and do some more reading on the shadowself.

Anyhow. I'm - murrph. I don't know. I think I'm sick of people. *lol* It's so 'high and mighty' and hoity-toity, but - gods! It's just - *sigh* - personal perceptions are always different, ain't they? And emotions are never logical. And maybe if I freaked/flipped out more, I would be a better rounded person.

But bloody hell, does it ever get on ones nerves!

I want a cigarette - and we all know that means I'm stretched a wee bit thinner than I should be - patience/tolerance-wise.

We are looking into re-financing the house, to try and take advantage of the lower interest rates - working with the fellow who did the first loan, and we might be able to drop a whole point, which would be utterly fabulous!

I still haven't done our budget. I think - I think maybe I'll at least start pulling stuff tonight - I ran our credit reports today, so that will be a place to start - I think I have pretty impressive credit - and THANKFULLY the little 'lates' on the HD card (the whores, shifting bloody payment dates!) aren't showing up, as that would ding me, quite nicely. DH's credit is - thin. Both figuratively and literally - all three of his reports is barely as thick as one of mine. Something semi-scary I realized - MOST of the debt we have is in my name. I haven't yet determined if that's wise - of course, most of our debt is also wrapped up in the house, so - I don't know. And if the re-fi goes well, DH will be on the mortgage too, so - that should be - okay, I guess.

The amount of revolving credit we have scares the shit out of me though - we have WAY too much of that - WAY too much. Okay, true, true, that includes a lawnmower, a treadmill, a dishwasher, new countertops, and two vacations - but STILL. It's a good chunk more than I am comfy with - we are definitely past our '9 month payoff' level - we've exceeded our personal credit level.

Speaking of which - we had a 'discussion' last night. DH had Forbes, and had it open to the 2008 blahblahskippy BMW, and said 'See, this is why I wanted to get this magazine, so that I will know what's out there to want' - basically. I - well, I had issues with that statement, asking him why he wanted an 60K car, and he said he didn't really want the car, he wanted the lifestyle the car represented. I then replied that the 'true' millionaires don't drive cars like that, and what that car really represents is a high disregard for the actual value of money - bloody 80 grand on a depreciating asset! WTF?
Anyhow, he got all stuffy and accused me of refusing to acknowledge goals that I don't agree with - whereas my intentions were to clarify exactly what sort of 'lifestyle' the car represented. To me, the 'lifestyle' that would allow you to have 60K even semi-liquid is NOT the 'lifestyle' of the average person who actually drives that car.

But then, maybe that more reflects our love of credit than anything else.

Twisting...

I've been writing in my hair journal like a mad woman - I didn't realize I had so much stored up, viz-a-viz hair.
Anyhow, I wanted to write about my ears, and I think I might get a little - messy - and intense, so I'm going to write it here, and if it works, tweak it to transfer to there.

I'm odd that way - where I write an entry has a subtle effect on the tone of the entry itself - even between here and OD.

Anyhow, my ears.

I'm struggling to get them to size. The right side is being - ahh, difficult. And even the left side is being more resistive than usual - I suspect it's because I've moved a little too fast....but, I'm staying where I am, for a while.

I forced the back holes - which were silicone 6g'd for the last few weeks to accept a mother of pearl 6g plug - now, I have stable plugs in both my back holes of the right size, and I'm going to leave them there for a while. It was a struggle getting it into my left ear, but I managed it. The right ear, I had to overstretch with the 4g taper, and then push the 6g plug through - ah, the pain.
But it was warm - pleasent, useful, somehow. Even the soreness in my ears is - comfortable.

In Realm class this week, T talked about hugging the cactus. How, we, over the years, hold such pain to ourselves so closely, that the tiny pricks of pain become numb, and you don't consiously feel them anymore. But! As soon as you start to let go of the cactus, all of those spots of old pain hurt afresh - as if they were new. Hugging the cactus, you see?

I'm wondering, more and more, what pain I'm comfortable with. I think about that gap in my biography (which I still haven't picked back up) and I cringe. I think there is a big cactus there - and I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of it, just yet.

I was reading WWWf, and there was a thread about EFT and Releasing Memories......and it struck a chord in me - it was rather along the lines of what I was doing as I laid in bed and redreamed my own history.

I've - I want to sit down and read the EFT booklet that I printed out while I meditate in the morning, but I haven't been having much success in getting up early enough to work out and meditate - and I opted to make the harder habit my higher priority.

Anyhow.

I'm trying to figure out how to stretch my ears out enough so that they will accept a 2g plug. Do I need a 0g taper? That would be a pain. I guess I could just continue to wear the dangles - the stainless steel ones at night, and the glass during the day - glass so that I'm not pulling my earlobes down - I've noticed my lobes 'hanging' a bit more than I would like them to in the latest series of pictures that I've taken of my hair - the larger the gauge, the heavier the earring, obviously - I think that I'm going to have to go to solely glass/wood stuff now. Maybe I'll try bone again - it was just too light in the smaller gauges, but now, that very lightness might be an advantage.

I have glass and mother of pearl - some lovely mother of pearl, too - plugs in 2g - damn. *sigh* I'll look and see how much a 0g taper will be.....so that I can at least wear them.

lifelines

I have to write a biography for 2nd realm, and it's been - interesting, and mildy depressing and suprisingly enlightening. We have to write it in 3rd person (to distance ourselves from the subject matter) and - it's slightly less heartbreaking.
It's not that I had a BAD childhood - it was just - sad. At least the bits that I can remember - there isn't much joy there. But isn't that how memories go so often? The minor wounds stay with you forever, but the minor joys that go along with them are lost in the mists.
It's one thing that I like about journaling - the fact that most often here, I'm sharing - and saving - the tiny joys in my life - the things that happen on a daily basis that make me smile, and that make me think. I don't need any help remembering the upsets - those, my brain will hold onto of itself.
So far, I'm only up to 15/16, and I totally skipped the years between 13 and 15 - ever had a book that you LOVED, but had a horrible, sad, miserable episode in the middle that while it ADDED to the book, you only needed to read it once, and the next time you read the book, you skip over that section because you know what happened? Yeah, that's about how I feel about 13, 14, 15.
I fell asleep last night trying to remember as much as I could about those years - the actual details, and not the details masked by the miasma of depression, puberty, and abuse the way they have hidden in the back of my head. It was interesting, the things I remembered that I had forgotten - esp. how many of my 'dream' homes (as in the homes I dream about) are actually bits and pieces of places I've lived in before that I've forgotten.
I still haven't worked up the gumption to write about it - I think a large glass(es) of wine might be required to numb me enough to really write about it. I also haven't continued past highschool - I KNOW I can't until I fill in that gap. *sigh* I might have to write it as fiction, that might be easier.
I'm also - oddly enough - considering sending it to my mother when I'm done. I realized that I really don't know much about my personal history - we don't talk about the past much - and I assume in her mind as well, the joys from those years have faded into the background, and the bitter regrets might be all thats left.
Last night also, as I was falling asleep, Sade's 'Someone Already Broke My Heart' came on.....which is one of her songs that I've been humming and singing for a while - TheBoy and I were making jokes about how all of Sade's songs are DEPRESSING, and that particular song was my example.
I realized though, last night, as I was thinking about my dark years, that it could be a song of hope - someones already broken my heart, and I know that pain, and I lived through it that time, so I'll be able to live through it again.
Then, I wandered into the thought that everytime a heart gets broken, it gets bigger. You can't mend something, without adding a little something extra, even if it's just glue. And that something extra makes your heart bigger, stronger, upgraded, ready to handle the next thing.
I don't want to focus on the fact that my hearts been broken - that's in the past. I want to focus on the fact that I've healed. Even if it's not fully healed, I've started healing. I've taken things I valued, and I've mended my heart. No, it's not the pretty, simple, smooth heart of a child anymore, but then, ain't no other part of me still childlike, why should my heart be any different?
And in the fact that I've healed - I've proven I can heal. I've proven that no matter how horrible the heartbreak, I might want to die, but it won't kill me. I know that if my heart is broken, I'll mend, and I'll move on, and I'll grow.
In turn, that means I don't have to fear heartbreak. It'll hurt, yeah, but I'll be okay, really. And without fear, I can go further - I can push down at least one of the bricks in the walls that segment me, knowing that I don't NEED it. My hearts not some fragile, unproven thing. She's (we've) been through some pretty rough spots, and we are all the more for it. And the next rough spot - though I might want to die in the midst of it - it'll make me more, just as the joyful spots that seem to fade away have made me more, as well.

I want to include two poems in my biography as well.....I think they fit the - interesting - times I've lived in. I kinda wanna rework both of them - the first one is almost 9 years old, and the second one is 8? 7? something like that - and while I still like them, they don't catch me the way I want/need them to.

And yeah, dragon stories are still bubbling away on my back brain burner. 9000 words? I can bang that out in a day, but a GOOD 9000 words? *sigh*
I think I'll start writing, again.

Ah, the joys of Friday.

It's been a looonnggg week - between work inploding/exploding and me trying to hold all the pieces together, TTC (why is the TWW so stressful? Is it just the limbo-like uncertainty??), and the weather - it gets cold, then warm, then cold again...... so I'm really happy it's about over.

C got his last paycheck of the year last night, so I'm going to sit down, and try to work out our taxes. I'm almost POSITIVE he didn't change his withdrawing correctly, as it didn't look like they were taking out nearly enough in taxes - but, murph - neither here nor there, as I suspect that I've given the feds enough loot to cover us both. *sigh*

I wanted to check-in on my oracle - so far, this has been (as above noted) an interesting week. There was a meteor shower last night, but it was overcast, so I totally missed it - and it was cold. I don't do wintertime stargazing very well. I won't be testing on the 22nd, as apparently, I didn't really ovulate (go figure). I'm still going to get a lottery ticket - but I need to go back and read what this second week of the month was supposed to be all about.

Dec 13, 07 12:00PM

Crescent: We will receive information, we will research a bit more, perhaps get feedback on stuff that we planted on new. Perhaps get some information that will help down the road on a seed we planted a while ago. We can collect some data now. Even if you think you are not getting information, stop, and re-look at everything. Who called you? Even the silliest things, when they come up during Crescent are note worthy. A parking ticket? An argument with a spouse? A refund check from the phone company? All of it needs to be considered a message from the universe. How can this information help you?

Focus on:

Information from groups of like minded people who may cross cultures.
Information about things that are electric.
Information from cyber space.
Information which is Sympathetic without sentimentality.
A time for cooler heads.

Hrm. Haven't gotten much information, lately. Ah - got pointed to freebirth yesterday, stumbled across a new cool sort of hair tie, and.... that's about it. But then, it's the start of the cresent.

Hrumph. Woowoo.

Home, home again.....

Made it home, safely, no dents, no despair.

I wished I wasn't driving so much - I would have liked to journal a bit, and to take more pictures, and etc. But, me driving was ever so much LESS stressful than having DH drive (have I mentioned he's totalled 3 cars in seven years, two of them mine? Yeah. I'm enourmously paranoid about him driving my car) so I sucked it up, and enjoyed the ride.

The time with the family wasn't too bad - they seem to be mellowing out some. I spent most of the day nose deep in a book, though, so that made it better, as it always has, since I was a wee one.

Back at work, and oh dear, what a dreary day this has been. It's a suckerpunch to the stomach to be reminded how much I don't CARE - esp. after spending so much time - active and engaged in LIFE - to be back here, and feeling like it's just all shit on a wall, again. *sigh* It's - work, though, and I've signed up for it, so I'll shove on through it.

BFP's seem to be abounding around me - I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a much harder time with those who are further along, oddly enough. I still sigh over the belly pictures, but there's a bit of a gutcheck now - it's not quite jealousy, more like regret/longing. It's sadmaking, is what it is.
However! My period was a mere 5 days this go around, and I'm feeling - normal? Upbeat? Horny, dare I say? And I'm wondering if this 'formula' I'm on is getting things settled. I'm almost scared to start working out, and throwing another potential wrench into things, but I still am.

Hrm, yes. I'm going - tonight, I suppose, though I might drag my feet (rephrase, I will drag my feet) til the weekend - I need to get some stuff for the gym.
1) Heater
2) Timer
3) Plug Converter/power strip
4) Cleaning Supplies
5) Gym Shoes
And I think that's about it - so that I can start working out, regularily. My thought is to wake up and actually get out of bed when I temp (6:15am), meditate for about 15-20 minutes, then go and work out for an hour - that's why I want the timer, so I can have the heater come on before I go to workout, and it'll be nice and warm. That'll take me to 7:15, which is about when I normally start getting ready for my day. I'll skip Sat/Sun, and those will be my 'treat' days of being able to sleep in.

I realized that I have a very warped self image. It's one of the things that makes keeping myself motivated to keep exercising so hard - I really, rarely see just HOW fat I am. I'm yuge. 260 pounds on a 5'4 frame is obviously huge, but I don't feel it, and I rarely see it - even when I'm standing in front of the mirror. *sigh* But then, there are times when I see it so CLEARLY - the lumps and bumps and bulges and folds and I wonder, briefly, how DH can possibly be attracted to alla THIS. Then, I look at him, and realize how much love smoothes over the minor (and major) imperfections - turning them into something not ugly, but simply He. So, I'm assuming that's the same thing he sees, but I'd certainly be more - certain - if I wasn't QUITE so fucking fat.

And I spent close to a grand on that Treadmill - I'd be damned if I don't use it.

I'm getting sick.

I HATE being sick, and it's such a rare occurance for me, that I don't really know how to deal with it.

I rest, a lot. I drink, a lot. I eat what my belly wants. I stay warm.

The basics, ya know? It's still irksome - and I'm hoping that I haven't caught the flu from someone who got the vax shedding. *glares at coworkers* I was getting a couple of hot flashes today - that might have been from me moving around fast with a sweater on, though.

It's also officially cold now, which is irritating. I desppppise cold weather. Suck, suck, suck.

Did I mention that I get whiny when I'm sick, too? No? Well I do. It's all poor me, and hate that, and this sucks. Hrm, I wonder if that's why I was so. damn. grumpy! yesterday - oncoming sick.

I still haven't planned out our Thanksgiving trip.

So far - I know we will be stopping in for greek food (ooh, a hoagie would be lovely tonight! But all that cheese and bread would stop me up, for sure!) and maybe going to the head shop. I should get my other tattoo too - stop in at the same place where I got my first one. I should swing by Lilly, and see my excoworkers, but I don't know.

We'll most likely be in Marion the 22/23/24, then drive back the 24/25.... not sure how we are going to do the drive up thing.

And Trans-Siberian Orchestra is coming to Memphis! I'm so excited - must get tickets.

And I SO can't believe it's only 3pm - why is this day draggggiinnngg so? I think I'll be leaving around 4pm, for inconsolable sickness. I also need to get some air in my poor, poor mostly flat tire. *sigh*

Bouncing, bouncing....

...from topic to topic that is.

3429 words on day one if Nano! I always start off strong though, and then peter out to nothingingness and bullshit though, so we shall see. I'm REALLY trying to focus on just blowing through this month, worrying about intrigue and proper names and etc, etc, etc, at a later date.
I'm not going to be posting bits of it - unless I decided that I REALLY like it. I'll post the creation story that I wrote in July, though - I really liked that.

I'm moving up to the 4g now - . My ears are a little hot, and a little surly, but it was a MUCH easier stretch than I thought it would be. I suspect it's because I REALLY let my ears heal - I've been at a 6g for - sheesh, since early summer, or so? My left ear still stretched much easier than my right, as usual - but a little Liquid Gold, and amazingly enough, it slid right in. So odd. I'm using pyrex spirals, and I'm shifting them as my ears whine more so that it's on a smaller bit.

I asked the magic 8-ball at work today whether I would get pregnant this cycle, and it said postively! *lmao* Yeah, we shall see, magic 8. Though, I think that I am FINALLY about to stop bleeding - I woke up this morning, and there was no leakage, so that's a start. I'll be so THRILLED to be having sex again, heaven knows THAT.

I've lost track of whether I'm supposed to henna this week, or next week. Oh! I need to change out my calandars, too. Hah! How appropiate! I have an Egyptian calendar, and this months image is of Horemheb, the Pharoah after Ay who was after Tutankhamun, and Horenheb happens to be the pharoah that is in power when my MC in Nano dies.....but, anyhow, henna. This weekend is a chruch meeting, and I don't think that there is anything going on next weekend....so I might wait. Or I might not. We'll see how I feel on Saturday.

Suprisingly enough, I don't have any plans for this weekend. I need to shove some more dirt around the roots of the bushes we moved - I didn't have the energy to do that last weekend. Ooh, and maybe I should start working on some clothes. I went to the thrift store today, a scooped up a big white board - I think that will make a suitable 'no cut' board for a rotatry blade. I'm cheeeaaapppppp and I REALLY don't wanna pay freaking 40 bucks for a tiny rotatry board.
Kiss mah grits.

Urm, whatelse?

I think that about covers it.

Eureka!!

I found it!! The old sex diary, that is. Or, more accurately, I found a download I made of it (cuz I'mma smart girl!) So - that's been added, along with the rest of my hair journal(s) - and I'm up to about 1600 posts, and a pretty consistent almost ten YEARS of my life. In December of '08 it will officially be ten years that I've been journaling online, and the changes are amazing - and amusing, in a lot of ways.

I've both matured, and gotten a little boring - a little dull. I'm not as willing to randomly romp around outside of my comfort zone, anymore. It's almost like - I've spent all this time FINDING a damn comfort zone, and now you want me to LEAVE it? Oh, damn that. *lol*

Now, though - it's like I've done ALL this work, and I don't know what to do with it. It seems like I used to have so much to say, so many topics to touch on. Okay, and I did a LOT of rambling too.

I wish there was a way - like how I have my quotes? If there was a way to show a random label everytime someone loaded the page. I guess, I could reuse the quote code, and figure out what the links to the labels are, and use that.... hrm. I don't know if it'll be worth it.

I did notice (ah, the wonders of talking about oneself) that each time I moved to a 'new' diary - or heck, even changed my diary name, that I became much more - vocal. Hopefully, that streak will hold up.

It's not that I'm - censoring - myself. Okay, maybe a little. Most of the time, it's that - what's going on (or not) in my head - well, hell, I think it's pretty uninteresting. I don't have drama in my life, I don't have drama amoungst my friends, but I think that I'm shortchanging myself because I'm not taking things out of my head and turning them over and exploring them the way they deserve to be.

I actually need to make a post on FOS, while I'm thinking of it.

And that should take up most of the rest of this workday.

Mondays.

Bleh.

Work...

ay-yah, but I had a LOT of entries. I'm still missing the wedding diary, and the sex diary - I THINK they might be on the iPod, or on the desktop - I'll check the ipod at work tomorrow. Anyhow - I've got most periods from 98-07 covered (9 years!) so, I'm more or less happy.

Now, I just need to figure out how to download from blogger - I've actually got everything in roughly correct chronological order - I'm really not trying to lose all this work!

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In more up to date news, we worked on the yard yesterday - moved 5 bushes, I think it was altogether? I still neeed to work on the dirt around the bushes - insure that they will have enough dirt to get nutrients from. We did that for most of the daylight hours, and then went camping during the evening - I'm REALLY loving camping out - last night might be the last night we can do it this year (which really, is fair - it IS almost the end of the year) and we are just getting better and better at it each time.

I haven't touched my hair - I put a DC on dry hair in on Friday, and haven't touched it since. Once I finish this post, I'm actually going to get up and braid/wash it - it's almost 10pm, and I haven't had dinner yet (I was trying to wait for C to get home) and I'm getting sleepy.

I wanted to get through the last of my saved off diary, though.

Hrrm, I wonder if I had a wedding folder?

Possibily.

Weekend....

So, by some stroke of serendipity (I've been stumbling over a lot of that, lately) the latest 'old' entry that popped up was talking about transplanting bushes, and OS kindly noted that this time of year is about the best time of year to do it (bushes are dormant, ground isn't frozen) and it's been raining BUCKETS for the last two - no, three - days - making the ground softer than my hair.

So.

Looks like I might be transplanting bushes this weekend. The move-to ditch is mostly done - I did that much earlier in the year, and I just need to rip out the greenery that has overtaken it, and finish expanding it. The bushes themselves will be 'fun' to dig up and move - but I need to do it anyhow, as it's messing with my gardening steelo, so, that'll be okay.

I'm also supposed to get my treadmill this weekend (yippee!!) so I need to clean the junk from outside the house.

I need closed crocs to work outside in - not the ones with the holes in it, as it's wet and cold and wet & cold feet are the anti-funness.

I got this interesting email yesterday, and I'm going to try to start encorporating the suggestion into my daily life.

Did you know that by simply removing one word from your vocabulary, and replacing it with another, you can put yourself in the driver’s seat and gain 100 percent control of your life?
More often than not, the word “CAN’T” is the culprit of your failures. By replacing “CAN’T” with “WON’T,” you open the door to asking yourself the right questions that may help you get out of your own imaginary prison.
Do you say “I can’t take a vacation,” or “I can’t get a better job”?
By changing those statements to, “I won’t take a vacation,” and “I won’t get a better job,” what questions are raised?
Why won’t you? What’s holding you back? What are you not willing to do to make it happen? Plenty of people have done those things, and are doing them right now as you’re reading this, so they’re obviously not real impossibilities!
Start your transformation by paying close attention to when and how you use the word “can’t,” and then repeat the sentence in your mind, replacing “can’t” with “won’t.” Analyze the sentence, and you may be in for an awakening.

I thought that was interesting, and challenging, and relatively simple, overall, so - yeah.

Urmmm. I think that about it.

Stay warm, ya'll.

Horrifying Beauty

Canopus
Originally uploaded by Pierre J.

I saw this on The Daily Irrevalent and showed it to C, and we talked about how horrifying gorgeous it was.

I wanted to learn more about it, so I clicked through - and through, and through - and ended up at flickr.

From there, I realized that not only could I add the picture to my favorites, I could also blog about it directly from flickr.

And there are those who doubt that science and magic can co-exisist.

Hrrm.

I suppose I should actually talk a bit while I'm here, before I get sucked back into c-birth or C2PP.

Going to FOS this weekend - I'm still debating checking in Thursday night and staying Thursday, and then coming to work on Friday morning, going to accupunture appt @ 12, and then heading up to the park again - that really would be lovely, I think.

I'm debating if I want to sleep away from C for that long, though. *sigh* I don't know. It seems like the right thing to do, as I'm partially comped in for voluteering for kitchen duty - it seems only right that I'm there full time.

Ohh, I must find the cords from our wedding.......

I need to pack - most of tomorrow eve I think I will spend offline - I have to pack, and gather, and clean a little, and - etc, etc, etc....

And dammit, why do I start bleeding harder as soon as I get home? *sigh*

Well, off to bed soon, I think.

Friday

My definitely, no shadow of a doubt, most favoritist day of the week. An expanse of free time (at home, none the less) stretches out in front of me..... and almost everytime, I make a huge list of stuff that I would like to get done, and usually doesn't.

Doesn't mean I'll stop making the lists, though.

I want to....

...refile/file the papers that are starting to take over the computer room (but that would involve cleaning out the closet that the litterbox/catfood bowl is in, and I'm not ready for that. For fucks sake, there is still catfood in his bowl)

...clean the bathroom (that might actually get done - I want to try out some of the biosafe cleaners I got - the laundry detergent rocks, thus far)

...take down the tent (it should be dry by now) and deflate the air matteress (likewise, should be dry)

...clean all the random junky shit from in front of the house/garage to the junk pile.

Otherwise, there will be sleeping - reading (I plan on finally getting into Nourishing Traditions!) and general layaboutedness. Actually, I think C is working all weekend, so I MIGHT actually get a little more stuff done than I do when he's home.

I want to find a cheaper substitute for the 'no-cut' cutting boards that I can use. I cringe at the thought of spending 40 odd bucks on a TINY cutting board - that just seems insane to me. I suppose I could use the cardboard one - but I think that repeatedly cutting through paper like that will dull the blade of the rotary cutter. I was thinking of a HUGE white board from the thrift store might work (I could even make lines on it) but I don't know. Those rotary cutters are SHARP - but I really think that'll be the only way I'll be able to cut fabric STRAIGHT. *sigh*

Only an hour left. If I had a book in my car, it would be less than that - I could escape and chill between now and the accupunturists appt.

Hrm, maybe I'll play some Cake Mania instead.

Oh, Stop it!!

I don't know what I'm bumping to cause those OLD entries to show up as my latest, but I swear, really, they aren't - I'm just strolling down memory lane.

In 2007 news - holy fuck, it's OCTOBER???!?!?!!?? I mean, okay, obviously that happened about 11 days ago, but DUDE! This year feels like a blur - WHooooosssshhh! Which ya know, is one of the reasons I'm strolling down memory lane - it's amazing how much has happened (and hasn't happened) over the few years I have in OD. Okay - I've BEEN here for seven years, but I've winnowed down my diary a couple of times between now and then.

I'm totally not ready for it to be cold yet - I don't have many inbetweeny clothes (because I'm HUGE! Oh my god, I'm soooo fat), and it's still too warm for winter clothes.

I'm in love with skirts (floorlength ones) but none of my winter skirts are long enough. Can you make nice skirts out of pillproof fleece? I'm thinking they might look like wool.

I don't have any shoes - I've (finally) released my addiction to heels (I think it's been the long skirt thing - I don't care so much about how my legs look *laugh*) and I've been wearing thongs/crocs all summer (when I'm not barefoot altogether) and - my toes are getting cold! I think I'm going to do ballet slipper type things....

Gahhhhh! I need to go clothes shopping (or sew) and I so don't feel like doing EITHER.

As I've been meandering down memory lane, I've stumbled across the two (or three - maybe four??) different weight loss/health efforts I've made, and ya know what? I suck. *lol* I mean - seriously, I'm literally the EXACT SAME WEIGHT I was 5 years ago. Which, I suppose could be a good thing, if that weight wasn't so damn overweight that it's insane, AND if I hadn't lost close to 90 pounds inbetween there.

*sigh*

I finally broke down and ordered the full price treadmill - It's hate to walk around the yard as I have to coat myself with OFF. It stinks.

Speaking of stinky - I've stopped using deodorant! *l* I use this bar from Lush (www.lush.com - beware, you will fall in LOVE) and it's WONDERFUL. I smell - good. Human, rather than some chemicalized version of a spring rain coated with baby powder.

Urm. What else?

I have about another 200 books I need to add to my LibraryThing - I love bookclosests.com and the thriftstore - oh, love! And I refuse to shelve them, so they are scattered alllll over the place - *headshake*

I should most likely do that this weekend.

So, how are ya'll?

Differences....

It's funny - after I posted that last entry, I realized just how superficial I've become when it comes to journaling - I mean, really? Camping? *laugh* Okay, not to say that the time I spend with C isn't infinitely valuable and worth writing about, but really - there is more going on in my head than just grocery lists of what I'm doing from day to day. That's a calendar, not a journal.

Anyhow, I suppose I'll get into something interesting, eventually. I still need to finish transferring all my other words here, too. Ah, that might be a nice way to muddle through the rest of the day.

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Still not pregnant - about to start my period in fact. I had a tiny little vein show up on the TP yesterday afternoon, and when I checked CP today, there were little gobs of blood there. They remind me of the little 'sections' in citrus - I don't know what they are called - the tiny nobules that actually form the fruit? Like that.

I'll be able to take the Fertell test, too - if I start good and 'light' today, I'll mark today as CD1, and Thursday would be CD3 - the new moon, how appropiate. Maybe that's a good omen, that the moon will be waxing then.

It's officially past the six month point, now, and it's almost to six cycles. It's interesting how my attitude about TTC'ing has changed. I still think that a LOT of women go a little crazy - but I can see how easy it is. I mean - my mind slams shut the door that even murmurs that we might never have children - it's just - not in my mental view right now. We have a good way to go before that door should even be approached - it's the dark at the end of the tunnel, for me.

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Ugh. Coworkers are getting flu shots enmasse - *headshake* I don't even bother commenting - pumping themselves full of all that crap before the season even STARTS and they know what strain is going to be a problem is SO freaking pointless. I think vaccines are the modern day equivalent of raindances to the Gods of Health - when they work, it's all 'Seeee!!' and when they don't (or when they kill) it's all convientently something/someone/God's fault. (The other god, not the medigods). Whatever, man, seriously. *makes a note to get some Echinea tea* What? I can still dance my own dance in my own way, I'm just saying, taking posion shots straight to the bloodstream just ain't MY way.

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So, I've finally given up on getting the cheaper/clearanced treadmill - and Sears finally took it off of its site, so I'm satisifed in my determination to wait. I just ordered another one - but it won't be delivered until the 27th, because it won't be available to deliver this weekend, and next weeked is FOS and I don't know if C will be home, so it'll be the weekend AFTER that. Hopefully, that'll give me enough time to clean all the JUNK from in front of the garage (I swear, if people were judged by the outside of their house, we are SUCH slobs. Okay, fine, the inside too, but I'm just SAYING!) and pull it to the junk pile in the back of the house. It'll still be there, but it'll look nicer.
I might try to go to Sears and get a TV for in there too - I need to start doing my Qi Jong every morning - oh, and we're going to need a small heater, too. I think that'll just about wrap up the stuff we need for the gym.

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I still need to gather my thoughts together on the life change that's opened up in front of me - I'm not sure how to explain it to myself, much less make others understand what I'm thinking.

Hrm. More later, I'm sure.

Weekends....

Last weekend and this weekend, C has had off, and it's been fabulous - we've spent so MUCH lesiurely time together - reading, talking, playing games - time when we aren't either just waking up or wiped from a full day of work.
I've really missed having this sort of time with him.

We are going to camp out in the backyard tonight - hot dogs, cheese & crackers, and smores - plus sake. *laugh* we have to be ourselves, camping or not. There's also boing to be music, and reading.....all in the comforts of our backyard.

He mowed part of the grass, and I made the store run - forgot to get extra ice, but we aren't traveling that far.

We are supposed to be installing ceiling fans this weekend too - hopefully we'll get at least one done tomorrow.

I need to get up and henna my hair at some point, before I go out there - for once, I won't have to worry about staining the bed....

Shit and Shinola, goodness gracious me.....

I've been dragging my feet for almost a year, getting to here.

I've got two livejournals, an opendiary, a yahoo 360, a hair journal, and I'm sure at least one or two other blogs/journals/online writing spaces that I'm spacing out on.

Why? Because - for some idiotic reason (okay, not so idiotic - I'm scurred) I decided to 'isolate' parts of myself from other parts. I almost want to blame it on a lack of tags at my main journal spot (OD), but really, that's not totally true.

A lot of places, I feel like - well, I shouldn't write about THIS here, because they aren't interested in that, or if I write about THAT there, it might totally change peoples view of me.

And ya know what? I was right. People weren't interested, and it would have warped peoples view of me, but ya also know what? That should have been done - because I'm writing - or at least I was writing - for ME. Not for those who read me, not for those who friended me, not for those who note me.

To limit myself because they MIGHT not understand - well fuck, I'm shortchanging both them AND me.

But - could never quite put my finger on HOW to break out of the boxes I had created for myself - how to start anew in an old place, without driving MYSELF crazy.

I signed up to Vox yesterday, just so that I could leave a friend a comment, and it hit me - go someplace NEW. Go someplace customizable. Go someplace where I might not HAVE any readers, and work from there.

So.

Here I am.

I think - I want to bring together all of my old posts that are scattered all over EVERYWHERE, and put them here. I think BS lets you backdate things.

So.

Hi, ya'll.

Would I Lie to you??

So.... a couple of days (week?) ago, I posted the lovely Hair & Lies entry. Here's the results......

 

Everybody gets to ask me 3 questions. They can be about anything.

Two of them I will answer honestly.

The answer to one of them will be a complete fabrication.

Then you get to guess which one is the lie.

Set 1:
a) Who is your favorite admin of any message board? Robin, of course! *lol*
b) How did you meet C? At a strip club
c) What is your favorite baby name? Anjali

Set 2:
a) are you bi? Yes
b) how many siblings? none
c) how many kids do you want? 7

Set 3:
a) What is your worst 'vice'? Lying
b) What is your favorite book of ALL TIME? Dune
c) Who is your hero or heroine? Beverly Guy

So.

Which is lie, which is truth, hrrrrrmmmmm??

 

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In other news, Heeellllooo Fall! Apparently, once August is done, it's Fall's turn, and Fall has stepped up with a vengence. 60° at 8:30am??? WTF? I'm so not ready! I'm still wearing flipflops and gauze!! Noooooooo!!

Though, one nice thing about fall, and the cooler weather, is that I'm EVER so much more industrious - my eyes start wandering around the house and myself, looking for things that I can work on. Yes, winter is MY busy time, and summer is one loooonnnnggg siesta.

This weekend, I'm tackling the garage. Our gym is mostly set up (I'm waiting on the treadmill, and I need to find a cheapie TV) but everytime I walk through the garage, I get the heebiejeebies, and the oh my gods, what the fuck IS that - so, yes, MUST clean out the garage. Most of it is old stuff that Mr. Wilson left behind, some of it is our stuff, and a lot of it is dead bugs. *shudder*

I was thinking about it last night, and then started thinking about what I would wear (scarf, long pants, long sleeved shirt) and I realized that a long sleeved tshirt would be about perfect - but I don't own one, and don't plan on owning one.

See, I have this thing about clothes. I'm a fat girl, no getting around that, and personally, I feel even fatter when I'm in - slouchy clothes. Teeshirts are toppers on my list of slouchy clothes - I wear them before I go to bed/around the house - and even rarely then. I just - I feel sloppy in them, and as I feel like most people who look at a fat person automatically think they are sloppish, I'm not trying to feed into/buy into that attitude. Annnyhhhooowww, I started thinking about what else I could wear that would fit that same general 'ideal' - light, not wrinkly, comfy, cheap, easy to clean - and it hit me! I need a kameez.

So, I drifted off to sleep daydreaming about the perfect kameez, and how I'm going to sew most of my clothes this winter (bugger, that reminds me, I MUST send off that woman's patterns tomorrow!)

Anyhow.

In addition to cleaning the garage, I want to try to put in yarn twists. I've been avoiding it, because I know how long it takes me to twist my hair, and I suspect it's going to take me even longer with the learning curve, and I really most likely need a full empty weekend (if ya know what I mean) in order to do that, and I REALLY should have done it over the Labor Day weekend (and dammit, I need to find that yarn) and blahblahblah.

I figure it HONESTLY shouldn't take me more than 18 hours. And I can squeeze 18 hours out - esp. if I prep my hair on Friday night. So, I'm thinking - prep hair on Friday night, clean garage on Saturday, finish hair prep Saturday night, do twists on sunday. Of course, I also run the risk of having to go to work with some crazy looking hair, but thats what headwraps are for. *lol*

Urm, house, hair - ah, yes, womb.

I'm still bleeding. *sigh* Tis day *think* 25? I think....but at least it's slowing up - I should be leakage free by the weekend - praise all that is sweet, holy and merciful. Thankfully, it's been a very - easy - bleed, this  go around. No cramps, no headaches, no rashes,  just a woman and her cup. *lol* I almost kinda sorta want to STILL be bleeding tomorrow, so that I can freak the accupunturist out - who has been horrified at the length of my bleed for - oh, since the first visit - what, two weeks ago? *shrug* What can I say? My body needs to get rid of it, I'mma let it get rid of it. I feel fine, and I'm not bothered by it (though, I SHALL enjoy having 'neat' sex, ooh, yes I shall!) and while it's PISSING me off as far as TTC'ing goes - if I trust my body, I trust my body. And, as it's an annovulatory bleed ANYHOW, it's gonna be abnormal. If I was doing this after a normal cycle (ie, not a 60 day one) I would be fffffreaking out.

It's interesting to me, how Fall tends to me more of a time of change than spring is. I get into ALL my major - my life sucks, and this is how I'm going to fix it ACTIONS in the Fall. Springtime, I'm just so damn happy it's not winter anymore, nothing in my life sucks, therefore I have no reason to change anything. *lol*

Urm.

Yes, that's about it. I'm actually NOT going to talk about work, this go around. I've had a mostly pleasant week, so yeah.

Toodles!

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