Home, home again.....

Made it home, safely, no dents, no despair.

I wished I wasn't driving so much - I would have liked to journal a bit, and to take more pictures, and etc. But, me driving was ever so much LESS stressful than having DH drive (have I mentioned he's totalled 3 cars in seven years, two of them mine? Yeah. I'm enourmously paranoid about him driving my car) so I sucked it up, and enjoyed the ride.

The time with the family wasn't too bad - they seem to be mellowing out some. I spent most of the day nose deep in a book, though, so that made it better, as it always has, since I was a wee one.

Back at work, and oh dear, what a dreary day this has been. It's a suckerpunch to the stomach to be reminded how much I don't CARE - esp. after spending so much time - active and engaged in LIFE - to be back here, and feeling like it's just all shit on a wall, again. *sigh* It's - work, though, and I've signed up for it, so I'll shove on through it.

BFP's seem to be abounding around me - I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a much harder time with those who are further along, oddly enough. I still sigh over the belly pictures, but there's a bit of a gutcheck now - it's not quite jealousy, more like regret/longing. It's sadmaking, is what it is.
However! My period was a mere 5 days this go around, and I'm feeling - normal? Upbeat? Horny, dare I say? And I'm wondering if this 'formula' I'm on is getting things settled. I'm almost scared to start working out, and throwing another potential wrench into things, but I still am.

Hrm, yes. I'm going - tonight, I suppose, though I might drag my feet (rephrase, I will drag my feet) til the weekend - I need to get some stuff for the gym.
1) Heater
2) Timer
3) Plug Converter/power strip
4) Cleaning Supplies
5) Gym Shoes
And I think that's about it - so that I can start working out, regularily. My thought is to wake up and actually get out of bed when I temp (6:15am), meditate for about 15-20 minutes, then go and work out for an hour - that's why I want the timer, so I can have the heater come on before I go to workout, and it'll be nice and warm. That'll take me to 7:15, which is about when I normally start getting ready for my day. I'll skip Sat/Sun, and those will be my 'treat' days of being able to sleep in.

I realized that I have a very warped self image. It's one of the things that makes keeping myself motivated to keep exercising so hard - I really, rarely see just HOW fat I am. I'm yuge. 260 pounds on a 5'4 frame is obviously huge, but I don't feel it, and I rarely see it - even when I'm standing in front of the mirror. *sigh* But then, there are times when I see it so CLEARLY - the lumps and bumps and bulges and folds and I wonder, briefly, how DH can possibly be attracted to alla THIS. Then, I look at him, and realize how much love smoothes over the minor (and major) imperfections - turning them into something not ugly, but simply He. So, I'm assuming that's the same thing he sees, but I'd certainly be more - certain - if I wasn't QUITE so fucking fat.

And I spent close to a grand on that Treadmill - I'd be damned if I don't use it.

People

 I've got to vent SOMEWHERE - and as I don't want to vent on the other diary, and I refuse to vent to my mother or friends - I've got to do it here.

I cannot STAND Corey's family. It's true, it's true. I really don't like my in-laws. Corey is one of those people who grew up to be totally NOTHING like the rest of his family - he used them as a guide to 'what NOT to be'. Anyhow - the last straw was this - I got a letter (error #1) addressed solely to me (error #2) asking us (oddd, considering error #2) to consider allowing his grandmother to give us a reception in their hometown. I truely do appreciate the gesture, however - what I DON'T like is the fact that his ENTIRE family on his mothers/grandmothers side (exclusing his brother - and he's still on the fence about it) has decided to NOT come to the wedding because it's too far away. HUH?? How can you say - No - I WON'T go to my OLDEST grandchilds wedding because it would require me to step out of my comfort radious of 100 miles? No - I don't think I have any interest in meeting my future daughter-in-law/granddaughter-in-laws family? How can someone be so selfish? I could totally (and CAN totally) understand someone not being able to come for financial reasons - that was the main reason we moved it to Vegas rather than Jamaica. I can understand someone not being able to take time off to come - that's why we put it on a holiday weekend. I could even understand someone being TOTALLY terrified of airplanes (like MY grandmother - who IS coming)  being not all that willing to come. But - these people have never even BEEN on an airplane. They've never been any further than a day's drive from home - and the fact that they are willing to totally CRUSH Corey by stating that they WON'T come to the wedding (which most likely means his beloved baby brother won't be there either) reallllllllllyyyyy tweaks my nipples.
*sigh* Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I just accept it and shrug it off and guess that maybe they don't see a wedding as important of an event as I do? And it's not even the fact that it's MY wedding - cuz I don't like em ANYHOW. It's more the fact that it's COREY's wedding - and they are giving off that 'it's not worthy' vibe - which I so easily transalte into 'he's not worthy'. And dammit - if there is a man who DESERVES to have a family worthy of HIM - it's Corey. He ain't perfect - but he is soooo very good.

So. I'm upset. I'm not going to show it (and I'm wondering if ettiqute dicates I STILL send them invites) and I'm not going to let Corey know (I can only talk BUT so much bad about them) but... I had to get that off my chest. It hurts my feelings cuz I KNOW it's hurting his feelings.

Eh. Screw em.

Jasmyn

Generations

I come from a line of fatherless women. My mothers father left my grandmother and her three children when the youngest, my mother, was ony two. My mom has often wondered if she was a last ditch attempt to keep a failing marriage together - especially considering the fact that her older siblings were only 2 years apart, but 9 years older than her.
My grandmothers father left my great-grandmother when my grandmother was 7. He lived in the same city for the rest of his life, and they never got an official divorce. The only thing I remember of him was that he was black as coal with bright eyes and a constant smell of pipe tobacco. We lived in his house for a few years after he died.
My father & mother were never married, and she kicked him out when I was under a year old. He didn't have a good grasp on fidelity or responsibility, and my mom thought it best to cut her losses (and heartache) sooner rather than later. I vaguely remember meeting a few aunts and cousins - but I couldn't have been any older than three, and I'm not sure if the memories I have are true ones or if they are hopes that somehow turned into memories.

My mothers best friend from college (A.) is married to my father best friend (D.), thus he kept track of what I was doing - but he never contacted me. The first time he contacted me, it was the first semester of college, within the first few days I was on campus. He sent me a brand new computer with printer and all the software - a letter inside told me that it was a gift from my father provided with D.'s help. I've always been a rather cynically pragmatic type, and I remember telling my mother that if he wanted to buy his way into my good graces, he was making a fabulous start.

I heard nothing else from him for 2 years. I finally broke the silence next and sent him a letter. He replied, and in our following conversations we made arrangements to meet the next time he was in Atlanta. It was the saddest, strangest encoutner I could have ever imagined. He looks like me, a little - or more accurtely I look like him. He's very tall - close to 6'7 I believe, and totally dwarfed me. We talked about innane things - what I was doing in school, his job, my half sister, the small talk that all strangers make. We never got into the real stuff...I never really wanted to hear that he didn't care enough to even pretend to care.

Since then, I've gotten one birthday card (on my 21st), two emails (both of which I've iniated) and nothing else. I invited him to my graduation, and never recieved a response. We made plans - actually I made plans to meet up here at some point - he never showed. That was the straw that broke the already weak camel's back. I gave up at that point. I ranted and raved to Corey that I was tired of being the adult - I was tired of trying to get him to do what he should have done years ago and make him a prt of my life. So I stopped. That meeting was supposed to happen in April of 2000, I believe. I haven't heard a single thing from him since. I actually think more about what Imani - my now 17 y/o half sister is doing than I think of him.

I'm about to start a new generation (no, I'm not pregnant), and I fear having my children grow up without a father. It's not that I think it's a bad thing - it's a fact of life for many children - but I think it's a much, much, much better thing for a father to be there. It's rather like formula - if you HAVE to use it, well - it's okay - but breastmilk is always better. I know that Corey would never willingly abandon our children - but my subconsious often shows me life as a single mother.

I'm disconected from my own blood in a way that can never be repaired. I don't know the names of anyone on my fathers side, only know a few people on my grandfathers side (and that's only because they still live in the same city as my grandmother does) and I know absolutely no one on my great-grandfathers side of the family. I often wonder if they think of the offshoots that have been cut away, and wish that history could me changed to bring this family back together. I could do a geneological search and piece my family together - but it simply would not be the same as growing up with a horde of cousins and aunt's and uncles and - family. All I would have is a sheet of paper with the names of all those who share my blood that I'll never know.

Corey's family isn't coming to the wedding. They've never flown, and have no plans to start flying now. He doesn't really get along with most of his family anyhow - mostly because of their comfort and satisfaction with having narrow minds and living in even narrower locales. We know that we are moving away from here, and in both our hearts we know that we are breaking away from his family - and lately that has weighed very heavily on me. I want my children to be a part of a FAMILY - and while I will settle for one that is made of hearts rather than of blood - I truly wish (for our sake and theirs) that it could be different.