thoughts as I read

Taken In Hand:

I like the idea of an oldschool, romantic, swooning, he is mine and I am his kinda relationship. Where I know that I DON'T need him, but I want to feel everyday like I do. I'm much more comfortable with this concept of submission - emotional and mental more than persistently physical.

But one thing that is repeated is trust. Trust in the man to make the right choices. Trust in putting the last word in his hands. And the delicate ability to give him the right to make that decision, and still gently correct him where he proves to be wrong. I've noticed myself doing that more lately - or getting more irritated because he just WOULDN'T make a decision - and basically made me feel like all the responsibilty rests on me.

shit...must run.

---

I had to go and pick him up last night - kinda lost track of time. Anyhow, continuing on....

As I read more and more - I'm vacilating. I know that our relationship isn't working right now - I DO harbor some bitterness, and some reserve, and some uncertainty that what we have now is what I need - much less what HE needs. And - I'm willing, nay eager, to find SOMETHING that will let us both be happy. I think that I know what would make me happy - but I'm not sure if that is what he wants - what's his image of a perfect relationship? I think that what we have NOW might be his image (minus the craptastic sex life) and - I know that it's not mine. And because I know that what we have now doesn't makes him happy, and it doesn't make me happy either - what steps can be taken to make us both happy?

And yeah - there's always the awareness that sex every other day is really alllllll he needs at this point - but I need more. And maybe - hopefully, I'll be able to figure out what I NEED to be happy......besides the inital comments that started this whole exploration.

---

I've always had a really - clear view - on the kind of relationships I admired - hell, even the first screenick I made for the both of us reflected what I really wanted - I want to be a Sultana. The Sultan's wife, his number one love, his - amor, his angel, his queen. *laugh* I always believed that I would be a wonderful princess/number one harem girl.

How would that change our relationship now - as far as how I would feel/act? I'm going to try very hard to ignore the financial aspects implicit in all of those scenarios.

Okay - my main concerns in life would be our house, and our relationship. I would be able to handle, manage, and organize both - and still be able to enjoy the things that interest me. I would feel like we are equal partners - both focused on taking care of us, despite the fact that we do that in different ways. Maybe the biggest thing is that I would feel like - no, I would KNOW that he cared about our lives/home together as much as I do.

And ya know - writing that out, I think that I might be being utterly unfair to him. He DOES care about us - hell, sometimes I think he cares about us more than I do. But - dammit. It all comes back to the little things - the actual actions, and not the emotions. I straighten up. I clean the house. I wash the clothes. I make sure the cats have food and their litter is clean. I keep track of the bills. I handle most of our interactions with the outside world. I support us in almost all ways - including financial. And a lot of the time, I feel like he's just sitting back, garnering all of the benefits of my hard work (not that I don't benefit as well - I DO!!) without actually equally shouldering the load.

I constantly FEEL dominant - that if I just sat down and said - No more - nothing, literally nothing that makes a house a home would get done. If I didn't set up the internet bill pay, none of our bills would get paid. If I didn't suggest we go grocery shopping, we would live off of delivery and fast food (which we really can't afford). If I didn't think about the long-term effects of EVERYTHING, we'd be screwed. A small, but detailed example. We haven't paid the rent yet. Why? Because we can't find the checkbook. I don't USE checks - guess who was the last one to have had the checkbook? Ummhmm, it wasn't me. I'm almost SURE the checkbook is in his bag, despite him saying that it's not. Did he look for it? I doubt it, and even if he did, that doesn't mean that it's not there. I could be wrong, but I'm usually not. *sigh* I feel like his bloody MOTHER sometimes, and while I do love him, and I love being WITH him....it's irksome as HELL. A lot of the time.

Gah.

further introspection

Hmm....I love having this separate place. I was talking to one of my online friends earlier today, hooking him up to another new screenname of mine - and jokingly, he asked me if I had a multiple personality. At last count, I have *thinks* only 3 screen names that I chat under (with three? four? different services), but - goodlord - I could have up to five, and I have - 6 - no - 8? different emails adresses.

It's not that I have a multiple personality - in fact, my personality is very integrated (I think sometimes maybe TOO integrated) - it's just that each aspect of my personality has it's own outlet - and I make connections based on that intial outlet, and later - much later, if you're deemed worthy, I'll open up the rest of me to you. But yeah, I'm very much so closed in - I've never met anyone - not Jc, not my husband, not any of my best friends, who I would truly trust and offer all that I am to.

There's ALWAYS been something about me that no-one knows - but here - you folx don't KNOW me. You see a little side of me that I share in this place - and that's what you know of me. You judge me, read me (or not) and note (or not) solely based on what's here. There's no history, and most likely, little chance of a future. And with that kind of freedom - I have room to share all of the things that no-one but me knows.....without fear of someone who KNOWS me finding this - because they would never think - oh, I know this woman. No one knows me - I don't trust anyone enough to know all of me and not hurt all of me - at least, this way, they can only hurt what they know.

And yes, yes, I know that I'm selling most of my friends short. I'm pretty sure that I'm selling my husband short - but - I'm ashamed. No - ashamed isn't the right word. I'm - tenderskinned. Very, very, very tenderskinned - and the more I love someone, the softer the skin becomes. And - when it comes right down to it, I don't LIKE it. I get hurt/sad/upset over the most minor and stupid of things - things that even as I'm sniffling over, I KNOW he didn't mean that way, or mean to have any malice in saying it - but it hurts like hell. And so I retreat. But - I can't find my balance there either - I retreat so far back that I'm icy-cold, and can barely respond to anything without either a grunt or a shrug. I - I haven't learned the art of neither wearing my heart on my sleeve, or locking it in Fort Knox. Unless - and this is the sad part - unless I just plain don't CARE about the person. No history - no future - and the true multifaceted, utterly amazing, glowing, intuative, charming, social woman that I REALLY am comes out. But - it's always a little sad because , I like that girl. I wish she would hang around all the time - and realize that those who really do love her, will love most facets of her......and not shoot her down as so many people have done in the past.

Who am I? Really?

I'm a lover, a woman, a poet, a artist, a laugher, a nuturer, and a giver. I can be loud, impatient, and cuttingly sarcastic. I'm a listener, a talker, a liar, and a sneak. I'm joyful, sad, bashful and incredibly curious. And that only touches on the tip of the iceberg. I've been Muslim, Protestant, Baptist, pagan and agnostic. I've had abortions, orgies, and long term relationships. I'm a libertarian and a peace nik. I'm empathic and sensitive. I don't like taking pills, but deeply enjoy recreational drugs. I am me. All of me. Even the parts I don't know are me, the parts I don't understand, that parts that I don't even know are there.

But - I'm not quite - bold enough to be me all the time. Sometimes, I have to retreat and hide me and only offer what others can handle. Sometimes, I can't handle myself - and I'm the one IN this head. And - sometimes I just can't EXPLAIN to other people what's going on - hell, sometimes it takes ME a few minutes to backtrack through my mind and figure out an association that I've made - and - dammit, I feel like regressing to the teenagers lament 'No one UNDERSTANDS me!' - and it's true. No one does. And it's my fault, because I've never given anyone a real CHANCE to understand me - to get all up under my skin and peep out of my eyes. And it's not because I'm shamed of who I am - I'm not. I just don't want to be - viewed differently because of who I am. I want someone else to be able to understand me in the same way I understand myself - freely, easily, not judging, not deciding - accepting that I'm still a work in process/progress.........and that the roots of what I am is good, and it's wonderful, and it's - amazing, and it's really something that everyone should have a chance at knowing/feeling/understanding - but so very few people ever will. *sigh* And so instead...

---

That went ENTIRELY another direction from where I planned - I have been reading some D/s websites that I've dug up while at home, and I've been thinking about what I said earlier about never being able to submit to my hubby, and trying to figure out why that is - there was never even any doubt in my head - it just plain wouldn't happen. But why? Was there something about him? Something about me? and then - in reading a subs story of her and her Master, I realized - I don't respect him. I love him dearly, and I value his intelligence, his humor, his passion for life, but I don't really view him as my equal - I think of him more as a 17y/o cousin I've fallen in love with, but now have to take care of after his momma kicked him out the house.

I haven't explored much more from there - is it the job situation? Is it the household situation? It is his pisspoor attitude about bills and credit? It is his (to me) obsession with comic books, video games, and cartoons? I mean - what really makes a man mature? What makes him - respectable, and admirable in my eyes? I don't look up to my husband - he's just another responsibility I have. It doesn't decrease my love for him, it doesn't make me think (consiously at least) less of him - I think I've simply accepted him as he is - and I DO love him, as he is. But he'll never be my Master (if I ever even come to the point where I think I might want one - from what I've been reading, it would take a very special person for me to be a 'real' sub.)

The Healthy Submissive

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*blink* *gasp*

Holy. Shit. I'm online at home again (must remember to wipe history) and I was catching up on my notes, and I just reread my previous entry.

HolyShit. When I talk about when I'm the most randy - the most horny - here, I'll copy it for you:

---

I'm hornier when I'm carefree. When I don't have to worry/think/stay aware of ANYTHING. When I know that I'm being taken care OF, I turn into a little gooey puddle of sex and raunch. When I'm totally relaxed - no where to be, nothing to do, no bills to worry about, no house to clean - basically if I'm in vacation mode, I can be - and am - very - frisky. And - it's hard for me to get there now, because I am - adult, I suppose. I do have to think about what needs to happen tomorrow, and whether the cat box is clean, and whether I've sent off enough money to cover the cable bill. I am that responsible, step-vacuuming, dishwasher loading person. And truly, I DON'T mind. But at the same time, it puts me into a place where I am not footloose and fancyfree.

Earlier in my diary, I had mentioned that if I could stay home, and be taken care of (financially) he'd get it every night - and I still think that's true. Hell, I actually think it's even MORE true. If I didn't have to worry about making it to work on time, if I wasn't focused on whether the sheets needed to be cleaned, if I - if I could just LIVE without all the nasty fiduciary concerns that are required to live - I would be a very different woman

---

Rereading that (after catching up on all my faves and adding a few new ladies) I realized. I'm a sub. As in submissive. As in - hah, I want to be the spankee, not the spanker. And, I also realized something else, rather sad. My husband will NEVER be able to dominate me. Just - period. We've never had that kind of relationship - if anything, I've been more dominant, and - holyshit - I mean. And - he's simply not the KIND of Dom I would need. We've played around with it - and the only way I can get off without being ENOURMOUSLY frustrated is to basically 'top' him. In fact, sex when I'm in control and deliciously tormenting him is usally the best - talk about orgasmic waterfalls. Or maybe it's the best because I'm a bit of a control freak? And - wow. I'm realizing that the simple fact that he CAN'T take care of me almost insures he'll never be my Dom. And since that's what our relationship was built on - it makes even more sense. Wow.

I've always been into BDsM - but always very much on the fringe. I KNEW it turned me on - rawr! rawr! (Beauty, anyone?? *flutters*moist*) but I could never really settle in my mind whether I was a top or a bottom - it seemed to flucuate somehow - which makes sense, as I am somewhat dominant (read - an anal Capricorn control freak) - but can be (and have been) VERY submissive for the right fellow. In fact - one of the best fuckbuddies/friends/lovers I've ever had - Jc (I need to write an entry or two about him) got me to do shit that I've never done with/for Corey. *laugh* He was the man who gave me my dicksucker award - because I would, and did, and ENJOYED sucking his dick - I think the longest I ever went was an hour and a half - and he came 3 times. Heh. I LOVED it - it gave me the biggest power rush EVER. Something, that I've noticed I've never gotten from *thinks* anyone.

*blinks* I'm sitting here, with my stomach all in knots, and my ass feeling hot, in total SHOCK. I mean. Shit. Me?? a SUBMISSIVE???

Hah - explains all of those 'secluded princess', 'naughty niece' and 'horny harem girl' fantasies I have floating around. Holy SHiT. So much - so much of my kink is settling into place. My frustration about having to EXPLAIN to him what I want. My almost insistence on pleasuring, rather than being pleased. The fact that people getting angry at me I can handle without a twitch, but someone being DISAPPOINTED in me makes me wanna cry. The occasional desire for pain with my pleasure (I'll take that on the side, please). The delighted thrill I get from inflicting pain. The constant guilty feeling interest in those damn 'Gor' books I refuse to buy because I know I'm either going to love them or hate them - and if I love them, I'm going to be pissed that I didn't buy the whole set, and if I hate them, I'm going to be pissed that I DID buy the whole set. Even if the kink turns me on, if the writing is shit, I won't be able to get past it.

Hell - my occasional obsession (me, antiwar peace nik, hippe earth mama not yet a mother me) with going to BOOT CAMP. My through arousal at being treated like a little slut (see Samson - ANOTHER muthafucker who I've done things for/to that I haven't done with my husband!!! - though he was a liar, so anyway...)

*fans self*

Talk about a bloody golden halo opening up over my head. JAYSUS.

*blinks* My head hurts, seriously. I didn't feel this shocked when I figured out I was bi. *blinks* Holy shit. What the hell am I going to do about THIS?

*blinks* Of course, I have just smoked half a bowl of the good cheeba, and I could be delusionally reading more into this. But shit. It REALLY makes waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much sense. All the slightly off, rather kinky shit that turns me on (though I'd die of pure embrassment to admit it) fits into this. It all fits the same bloody pattern.

I was considering going to a book convention in Atlanta in Sept, and that's where Jc lives. We still talk occasionally, and I always feel a little sad that I'm not the voraciously sexual woman he remembers, and very relived that he honors my wedding vows as I do. Considering being in Atl in 3 months was the final impetus for me to go and sign up at a gym - because I KNOW that I would see him, and I wanted to be utterly iressistible. Now, I'm actually afraid to go.

*deep sigh*

I'm SERIOUSLY going to have to sleep on this one.