J said - Profile: Me

The profile...I have been lurking around enough other diaries that have in there for it to be interesting...


NAME: Arabic..or is it African? Not sure. But it’s MINE MINE MINE

AGE: 22

HEIGHT: 5’3”

EYE COLOR: dark brown

LOCATION: Atlanta. I wish I was in someplace sunny and warm so I could get a tan tho

FAV RELATIVE(s): my mother

MEMORY YOU MISS MOST: Mitchell

FAV DRINK IN THE FRIDGE: Apple Flavored Ginsing Rush

FAV TV SHOW: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Daria. But I don’t have a TV so that is kinda crazy, yes?

FAVE CONCERT YOU'VE BEEN TO: Jamaroqui! The 6’6 black man in all leather holding that single rose is something I will NEVER forget

IN THE CAR, AC OR WINDOWS: Windows upto 98 deg. Then I NEED air to survive

DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: only when I’m writing or dancing or loving

FAVE ONLINE BUDDIES: PoeticGold, B1nstlye, BiggaJ, AfreFreaky

FAVORITE BEER: YEECH!

FAVE SMELL: Rose Musk

SCARIEST PERSON: Bigots.

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: depression, loneliness, loving hopelessly

BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: love, when it doesn’t hurt.

FAV SOUNDTRACK: Waiting to Exhale Or love jones or The Phantom Of the Opera

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS: thinner, richer…maybe a mother

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT WHEN YOU WOKE UP YESTERDAY MORNING: SHIT.….it’s 7 already? !!

DO YOU HAVE CELL PHONE/PAGER: nope. If you want me..leave a message

DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS? no

ROLLER COASTERS- DEADLY OR EXCITING: Thrilling…if you don’t scream…it’s no fun

PEN OR PENCIL: pen..or very very dark & pointy mechanical pencil

FAV AUTHOR: I can only pick ONE??????

HOW MANY TIMES BEFORE YOU PICK UP THE PHONE: one to zero…I’m pretty fast on the uptake

COOLEST THING ABOUT YOUR HOUSE: Park out the back door

WHAT HAS MADE YOU CRY THE MOST: losing friends.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: chocolate

SIGN: Capricorn

THUNDERSTORMS: Erotic & Amazing & Enchanting

WORST JOB YOU'VE EVER HAD: Intern at NASA (I HATE red tape)

BEST JOB YOU'VE EVER HAD: Assistant Childrens Librarian (kids & books..what could be better?)

ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF: sometimes…usually when I’m beautiful

# OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN TITANIC: five…or six….hmmmm has it been seven?

# OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN GOODWILL HUNTING: none

LAST MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN IN THE THEATRES: She’s All that ….it was so bad

WHAT MOVIE MADE YOU CRY: Armageddon

WHAT COLORS DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR BED: red..brown…blue… green…orange..

HOW MANY CDS IN YOUR COLLECTION: at least 100 maybe more

COFFEE DRINKER: sometimes

SHOWER AT NIGHT/MORNING: morning or night…depends on how tired I am

WHAT'S MOST ROMANTIC SONG: Loving You, Minnie Riperton, Ride Inside My Body, Minne Riperton

FAV CD RIGHT NOW: The Velvet Rope: Janet Jackson

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUIJA BOARDS: Wonderful things…can I tap the power BEHIND them?

HAT BACKWARDS/FORWARDS: hat? What is a hat?

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSEPAD: MY Sororities Flower

FAV BOARD GAME: It used to be monopoly…but I’m a horrible real estate agent anda sore loser

FAV MAGAZINE: National Geographic

BEST THINGS TO DO ON A WEEKEND: Lay in the sun & read a book…take pictures

IF YOU COULD STREAK IN FRONT OF SOMEONE'S HOUSE, WHO WOULD IT BE: my currently married ex boyfriend

WOULD YOU GIVE A GUY/GIRL YOUR SHIRT: yeah.

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE ANY OCCUPATION..WHAT WOULD IT BE: Author

IF YOU GOT A TATOO WHAT/WHERE WOULD IT BE?: a butterfly with cat eyes…on my waist

WHAT IS ON THE WALL OF YOUR ROOM: a picture of a naked woman being caressed by the sun

IS THE GLASS HALF FULL/HALF EMPTY: half full

COOL RANCH OR NACHO CHEESE DORITOS: yeech. How about some nice Smartfood Cheese Popcorn instead?

FAV SNAPPLE: Pink Lemonade…

HAIR COLOR: red & brown and black…soon to be all black

HOW MANY TAPES/RECORDS DO YOU OWN: tapes? As in cassette? About 15

HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU OWN: hmmm….maybe 2000, maybe less

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE?: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?: yes. I wish Aunt Bevie would come back for a lil while. I have some questions

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOODS?: any thing that can be eaten with your fingers.

GOLD OR SILVER?: silver

CANDLES OR INCENSE?: incense and candles

ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS: nope.

CATS OR DOGS?: Cats

MOCHA OR LATTE?: mocha mocha MOOOOOCCCHHHHHAAAA

ONE PIECE SWIMSUIT OR TWO?: one…I’m too ‘fine’ for two

BEST FIRST DATE?: *Thinks* haven’t had a really good one.

FAVORITE DAY OF YOUR LIFE?: graduation (hurry up and come already)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? Define god.

DO YOU DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT?: ahh…but do I drive at all? NO.

IF YOU COULD SMACK ONE FAMOUS PERSON IN THE HEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?: no clue. I don’t care enough about any of them to hit them.

FAVORITE FLOWER?: Orchids

AS A CHILD, DID YOU COLLECT ANYTHING?: rocks.

FAVORITE COLOR?: blue blue blue

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM?: sports? Huh?

LIPSTICK?: oh yes… the best lipstick is the same color as your areola…

HAIR...LONG OR SHORT?: medium length…eagerly waiting for it to be long

WHAT MODEL & COLOR IS YOUR VEHICLE?: no car. No license

ARE YOU LAID BACK?: yes. Laid back and lazy… the line is SO fine

ARE YOU IN DEBT?: yes… credit cards…and soon school.

FAV FLAVOR: Skin

FAV MILK: *shudders* I am lactose intolerant

IF YOU COULD MEET ANYONE, LIVING OR HISTORIC, WHO WOULD THEY BE AND WHY?: The founding ‘fathers’ I’d give them a healthy piece of my mind.

WHAT WAS YOUR WILDEST ADVENTURE? Life.


J.

Crying at Work and what that entails..

Shit. I may never check my email at work again. My best friend that is the love of my life (although I don't think he knows this yet) is mildly suicidal..occasionaly bipolar and utterly wonderful. I haven't talked to him in almost a week (emails don't count) and I got an email today talking about he is going to go 'home'. I know him. I KNOW him. Dammit to hell. I can't cry at work but I have to get this out. Though he drives me crazy... rubs me the wrong way and occasionly utterly baffles me..I love him soo much and so true. And it isn't even a painful love of love deined it is a straight forward honest to god I love you from the bottom of my heart no matter what you do or where you go and what you say kinda love.
And he is talking about going away. He asked me not to hate him, and not to push him away. Shit. I couldn't hate him if he killed me. I would never push him away.
Dammit.
I can't lose another love.
And there isn't shit that I can do. I can sit here and talk to him. I can sit here and tell him I love him. And can sit here and say everything that is in my heart and my mind and it won't guarntee that he will be stopped. It won't guarentee that he will want to live. It won't guarentee shit but that he knows that I am here. and he knows that already. so I'm hopeless and helpless and crying at work. Shit.
Dammit.

I think that if he dies...if he kills himself...if he goes so far away from me that I will never be able to get him back...if that happens...I will NEVER be able to...

Stay jazzed.

Dammit All Anyway.....

I had written a really good entry...full of deepthoughts and witty remarks. Then my computer crashed, and in despair I went to bed. Anyway...I'm not even going to try to replicate it, but I do still want to talk about the topic.

Of Wigs And Women

The first thing I want to talkabout is hair. I'm not sure if it is as big of a thing for white women as it is for black ones...but to us (me included) hair is a major thing. It can be a stumbling block or your path to beauty and fame. Hair. Long and straight. Short and natural (a la nappy). In between and confused.
Personally.. I have lwalys loved my hair. In it;'s anppy (a la natural) state. Me and my hair get along pretty darn well. I don;t ask of it more than it can give, and it doesn't act crazy right before I have to go out. A good deal. But then...my soror gave me a wig. Nota big wig, but a cute little wig that gives me shoulder length super straight hair, and brings out my looks to POW instead of the usual wow. And I feel odd. Almost guilty even, because I like this hair so much. It has even gotten me to thinking about straightening MY hair...although I know full well that it wouldfall out and be hideous and ugly and I would have to cut it all off and start over again. But..the lure of the full think super shiny hair still pulls me in.
SO what shall I do? The attraction of the wig is that in a main part I can take it off any time I want to...(like when sleeping) and then put it back on again. Nie yes? perfect hair without any bother. I don't know...maybe it is just a indication of my desire for change.

Sex and the Human Mind

Something really is wrong with me. I realized earlier today that my libido has run away. The thought of sex sparks me up just about as much as the thought of gainng another 15 pds. Something that I would MUCH rather not do..but if it happens I'll live with it. *shudders* Wha is wtong with me?? I know that lack of libido is one of the signs of depression..but I mean SHEESH. Why? *sighs* know...I'm just gonna have to try harder to

Also..my constant tiredness has something to do with that as well I'm sure...but why? Life is great...the weather is beautiful...I have money...*sighs* I don't
Stay Jazzed

J said - My my my ....you sure look good tonight

Well...my my my... leave the OD for a few days and all sorts of wonderful things occur.



*sighs* MY life??? It's going kinda good actually. Like I said I got my financial aid package, and it looks really good. I will be taking out one loan, and my mom will be taking out another, but other than that it is all good.


I've decided to let Nee stay here. After a while of thinking/musing/pulling out my hair, and talking to folx I decided that 2 monthes isn't really that long. Plus the rent money that she will give will help. But the house WILL get crowded. THe last week of June my mom is coming to visit, and at some point during the Summer Papi will be here.


I'm starting to read my books *gags* good I'm gonna hate next year. *sighs* But at least it will be my LAST year...


I reread this and I sound sooooo depressed. But I'm not really.... just tired tired tired. I need some vitamins or drugs or something.


*grrr*



Oh. Little One IM'd me a few days ago. He said that he had been trying to get in touch with me for a while (yeah f*ckin right). That was all he said. And then today I get an invitation to his gradaution. I wonder...does he REALLY think I'm coming?


J.

Lady Babblalot

I was supposed to wear a wig today.. just to see what it was like...*grins* I think that I might wear it to this party I might go to tommorow... so many might's in that isn't it? *sighs* I'm restless...and hopefully the weather will stay good enough so I can go to Six Flags later on today....but the weather is getting uglier and uglier and god KNOWS I am soo freaking sleepy.

Anyway.. there was not something that I really wanted to talk about. I was just rambling on...in my head and figured tht I might as well do it here. :) How else will I able to see what I look like without hair?

Ah well.. I'm done.

Stay Jazzed

J said - Cloudy Days

This is one of those days that work is a bad word. I should be home...wrapped up in a blanket... sipping on some hot choclate.. staring ot at the stormy sky. *sighs* yeah...whateva.


I have been so...out of it lately. I'm not sure why, it could just be a side effect of the change of theseasons, or the lack of sleep, or the too so healthy wa I've been eating (ya think maybe?) but I have just been...blagh. Lonely, low & bored. Actually, I think I'm just tired.


My mother is worried about me. She can HEAR that something is wrong...and that worries me. Usually I can hold back the...achyness. I recieved my financial aid package, and I'll be borrowing about 15,000.00, but I will be able to pay for all of my schooling. Now if this school would only stop toying with my emotions ...everything would be much better.


I realized not too long ago, (a couple of nights ago) that I have no faith in myself. I don't really think that I can achieve what I want. And in part..I think that is why I haven't really decided WHAT I want, because then there is the chance, and the likelihood, that I will fail. And I think that is part of what is getting me down. *sighs* I'm tired. and I'm lonely.


Monday night I wanted to go out and grab something to eat...and I really didn't want to eat alone. But there is no one in the city who I would really want to talk to or be around. *sighs* I need some new friends. I need some friends PERIOD.


*sighs* I'm depressing myself now.


J.

Me Myself & I.....

NAME: African & Arabic. I love my middle name, but is is so common.
AGE: 22
HEIGHT: 5’3”
EYE COLOR: dark brown
LOCATION: Atlanta. I wish I was in Colorado tho (don’t ask)
FAV RELATIVE(s): my mother
MEMORY YOU MISS MOST: Mitchell
FAV DRINK IN THE FRIDGE: V8 Tropical Punch Splash
FAV TV SHOW: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Daria. But I don’t have a TV so that is kinda crazy, yes?
FAVE CONCERT YOU'VE BEEN TO: Jamaroqui! Janet!
IN THE CAR, AC OR WINDOWS: Windows
DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: only when I’m writing or dancing
FAVE ONLINE BUDDIES: PoeticGold, B1nstlye, BiggaJ
FAVORITE BEER: YEECH!
FAVE SMELL: Rose Musk
SCARIEST PERSON: Bigots.
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: depression, loneliness
BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: love, when it doesn’t hurt.
FAV SOUNDTRACK: Waiting to Exhale Or love jones or The Phantom Of the Opera
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS: thinner, richer…maybe a mother
WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT WHEN YOU WOKE UP YESTERDAY MORNING: God….is it 7 already?
DO YOU HAVE CELL PHONE/PAGER: nope. If you want me..leave a message
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS? no
ROLLER COASTERS- DEADLY OR EXCITING: Thrilling…if you don’t scream…it’s no fun
PEN OR PENCIL: pen..or very very dark & pointy mechanical pencil
FAV AUTHOR: I can only pick ONE??????
HOW MANY TIMES BEFORE YOU PICK UP THE PHONE: one to zero…I’m pretty fast on the uptake
COOLEST THING ABOUT YOUR HOUSE: Park out the back door
WHAT HAS MADE YOU CRY THE MOST: Mitchell
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: chocolate
SIGN: Capricorn
THUNDERSTORMS: Erotic & Amazing & Enchanting
WORST JOB YOU'VE EVER HAD: Intern at NASA (I HATE red tape)
BEST JOB YOU'VE EVER HAD: Assistant Childrens Librarian (kids & books..what could be better?)
ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF: sometimes…usually when I’m beautiful
# OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN TITANIC: five…or six….hmmmm has it been seven?
# OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN GOODWILL HUNTING: none
LAST MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN IN THE THEATRES: it was so bad… I can’t remember the name
WHAT MOVIE MADE YOU CRY: Armeggedon
WHAT COLORS DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR BED: Brown..blue…cream
HOW MANY CDS IN YOUR COLLECTION: at least 100 maybe more
COFFEE DRINKER: sometimes
SHOWER AT NIGHT/MORNING: morning or night…depends on how tired I am
WHAT'S MOST ROMANTIC SONG: Loving You, Minnie Riperton
FAV CD RIGHT NOW: The Velvet Rope: Janet Jackson
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUIJA BOARDS: Wonderful things…canI tap the power BEHIND them?
HAT BACKWARDS/FORWARDS: hat? What is a hat?
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSEPAD: Blue
FAV BOARD GAME: Upwords
FAV MAGAZINE: National Geographic
BEST THINGS TO DO ON A WEEKEND: Lay in the sun & read a book…take pictures
IF YOU COULD STREAK IN FRONT OF SOMEONE'S HOUSE, WHO WOULD IT BE: my currently married ex boyfriend
WOULD YOU GIVE A GUY/GIRL YOUR SHIRT: maybe…
IF YOU COULD CHOOSE ANY OCCUPATION..WHAT WOULD IT BE: Author
IF YOU GOT A TATOO WHAT/WHERE WOULD IT BE?: a butterfly with cat eyes…on my waist
WHAT IS ON THE WALL OF YOUR ROOM: a picture of a naked woman being caressed by the sun
IS THE GLASS HALF FULL/HALF EMPTY: half full
COOL RANCH OR NACHO CHEESE DORITOS: yeech. How about some nice Smartfood Cheese Popcorn instead?
FAV SNAPPLE: Pink Lemonade…
HAIR COLOR: red & brown and black…soon to be all black
HOW MANY TAPES/RECORDS DO YOU OWN: tapes? As in cassette? About 15
HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU OWN: hmmm….maybe 2000, maybe less
HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE?: no
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?: yes. I wish Aunt Bevie would come back for a lil while. I have some questions
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOODS?: any thing that can be eaten with your fingers.
GOLD OR SILVER?: silver
CANDLES OR INCENSE?: incense and candles
ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS: nope.
CATS OR DOGS?: Cats
MOCHA OR LATTE?: mocha mocha MOOOOOCCCHHHHHAAAA
ONE PIECE SWIMSUIT OR TWO?: one…I’m too ‘fine’ for two
BEST FIRST DATE?: *Thinks* haven’t had a really good one.
FAVORITE DAY OF YOUR LIFE?: graduation (hurry up and come already)
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? Define god.
DO YOU DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT?: ahh…but do I driveat all? NO.
IF YOU COULD SMACK ONE FAMOUS PERSON IN THE HEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?: no clue. Idon;t care enough about any of them to hit them.
FAVORITE FLOWER?: Orchids
AS A CHILD, DID YOU COLLECT ANYTHING?: rocks.
FAVORITE COLOR?: blue blue blue
FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM?: sports? Huh?
LIPSTICK?: oh yes… the best lipstick is the same color as your areola…
HAIR...LONG OR SHORT?: medium length…eagerly waiting for it to be long
WHAT MODEL & COLOR IS YOUR VEHICLE?: no car. No license
ARE YOU LAID BACK?: yes. Laid back and lazy… the line is SO fine
ARE YOU IN DEBT?: yes… credit cards…and soon school.
FAV FLAVOR: Skin
FAV MILK: *shudders* I am lactose intolerant
IF YOU COULD MEET ANYONE, LIVING OR HISTORIC, WHO WOULD THEY BE AND WHY?: The founding ‘fathers’ I’d give them a healthy piece of my mind.
WHAT WAS YOUR WILDEST ADVENTURE? Life.

Damn my mouth &the foot sticking out of it

*sighs*


Okay... character flaw. Generous to a fault. Sometimes I forget to say no...and then later can't take it back. Or...I don;t feel right doing so...How so?


My best friend in all creation (Nee) has an intership in the lovely city...and she asked if she could stay with me. I said yes...and now I regret it. It will only be for June and July...but still...*siiiigghhhs* I have begun to treasure the utter ALONESS of my house....I wlak in after work and say Hello house...and fell quite thrilled by the echos.
I am the only one there...my scents and my clothes and my books and my unfinshed projects and half begun thoughts lay scattered about. I stroll through the house boldly nude... or barely covered in a wrap. It is MINE...all mine.. my little abode of me-ness. And I wonder if her being there will ruin the me-ness of it. Make it 'our' place...with 'our' smells and things and tastes and....*siiiiiggggh*
And add to that the fact that my house is a tiny bit bigger than a studio (only a tiny bit mind you) and the thought of someone else LIVING there (not visiting.. not stopping through.. but STAYING) rattles me. I understand (ah bitter understading) now what my cousin meant...the house is simply too small. I love Nee to NOOOO end..but...I really don't think we should live together.


Now... how can I tell her this without hurting her feelings...or making it seem liek I don;t want her around....*siiiiiiiiiiiighs*


Friends...like family...make life so much easier and so much harder at the same time.


J.

Damn my mouth &the foot sticking out of it

*sighs*


Okay... character flaw. Generous to a fault. Sometimes I forget to say no...and then later can't take it back. Or...I don;t feel right doing so...How so?


My best friend in all creation (Nee) has an intership in the lovely city...and she asked if she could stay with me. I said yes...and now I regret it. It will only be for June and July...but still...*siiiigghhhs* I have begun to treasure the utter ALONESS of my house....I wlak in after work and say Hello house...and fell quite thrilled by the echos.
I am the only one there...my scents and my clothes and my books and my unfinshed projects and half begun thoughts lay scattered about. I stroll through the house boldly nude... or barely covered in a wrap. It is MINE...all mine.. my little abode of me-ness. And I wonder if her being there will ruin the me-ness of it. Make it 'our' place...with 'our' smells and things and tastes and....*siiiiiggggh*
And add to that the fact that my house is a tiny bit bigger than a studio (only a tiny bit mind you) and the thought of someone else LIVING there (not visiting.. not stopping through.. but STAYING) rattles me. I understand (ah bitter understading) now what my cousin meant...the house is simply too small. I love Nee to NOOOO end..but...I really don't think we should live together.


Now... how can I tell her this without hurting her feelings...or making it seem liek I don;t want her around....*siiiiiiiiiiiighs*


Friends...like family...make life so much easier and so much harder at the same time.


J.

Soul Breaths...

*breathe in*
*breathe out*
*breathe in*
*breate out*

Slow and sure...one after another. A breath. A life. A force. Sucking it in....releasing it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am suffering from ADD at an advanced age. The tinest things capture my attention and hold for what is.. I'm sure...an inordinate amount of time. something like breathing....It's amazing...and if you concentrate...you can FEEL the air coming in...and feel it going back out...and when you concentrate just a little more...

*breathe in*
*breathe out*
*breathe in*
*breathe out*

I feel as though I hold something within me...a not so tiny morsel of power/importance/value. Something that is too precious to be shared with everyone...yet too wonderful to be denied to everyone. I am a priestess...
in the ultimate sense of the word. Someone whose only task is to funnel something of immense power and beauty into something that can be understood & appreciated by all.

*breathe in*
*breathe out*
*breathe in*
*breathe out*

I am a priestess of myself. I hold within my soul..my spirit.. my essence....and it must be funneled into something that those outside of me can understand.

Some days I glow with light...I feel weightless and restless...these are the days that my soul stirs and demands more than just the day to day grind. These are the days that I have to write..or draw...or take pictures...or do SOMETHING that funnels out little pieces of my soul into something more solid.

*breathe in*
*breathe out*
*breathe in*
*breathe out*

Some days I have to let my soul go. Simply burn with the raw essence of who I am. I hide on those days...afraid of what my uncontrolled SELF might do or say...or try to become. A priestess must know when her goddess is too dangerous for anyone...including herself. These are the days that I lay in my 'yard' let the sun or the moon or the rain kiss me...and let myself go.

*breathe in*
*breathe out*
*breathe in*
*breathe out*

But most days my soul is still...watching and thinking and absorbing and riding me. but sometimes...if I breathe in & out...I can feel her stir within me...stretch herself...and demand her freedom.

Stay Jazzed.