A poem for a Late Night Love

if anything, I see you faintly
almost as if in a dream.
I see a ghost of who you are
superimposed over who I want you to be
I see the memories of who we were
and of who I still need to be
I see us faintly
in a mirror
behind a smoke screen

if anything I think of you rarely
like a half remembered reverie
of sweet words
and complete understandings
that made me
and my life complete
I think things that were
never true
and somehow my thoughts
turn into you

if anything
I love you too much
and forget in my loving
that you are not who I see
or think of you to be
I love a blurred image
of perfection
that I cannot bear
to correct
if anything I love you
who are no one at all.

Tears of Joy in Egypt

There are toxins in tears
the ones we release with our fears
and our hated unharmonious thoughts
there are toxins in tears
that we’ve shed over the years
and almost totally forgot
there are toxins in tears
poison for those dear
who have turned away
there are toxins in tears
best to shed than to hold near
and go on and cry another day

Weekend highlights (if it’s a low point is it still a highlight?)
okay.. this weekend…hmm. Shall I go with the interpersonal or the superficial?? I think inter… but then again I AM a sucker for punishment. Talked to JJ about MJW. *sighs* they both want to come down for Black Pride on Labor Day weekend...but JJ says that he will be very uncomfy if MJW comes down. *sighs* I don’t know what to do. Actually he said that he might act stank….*sighs* and I so don’t need any drama in my life. But.. I can’t see myself saying.. no MJW don’t come. *rolls eyes* yeah right...as if THAT would ever happen. I don’t know…I will figure SOMETHING out…
CAK is having… *sighs* problems. I don’t know.. I worry about him so much sometimes.. and I have to remind myself that I am not his saviour. I can’t be... I don’t have the strength or the understanding to do so. I can only…suggest ways for him to follow...point out things that may either aid or dissuade his healing. And if he chooses to do otherwise…*shakes head* I have to resist my stubborn pride and support him there too. *grrrrrr* I swear…this is as much of a learning/growing process for me as it is for him.
hmm… what else happened this weekend? Nothing really of earth shaking importance…*laughs* I got a buzz off of some Bailey’s Irish Cream Ice cream (the cone REALLY wasn’t tha big…) I saw The Wood and American Pie…. (both Excellent movies…and ladies and my gay/bi brothers ...the Water Hose scene in The Wood was JUST for us!!!) I read a lot of books about Egyptian Mythology….*sighs & smiles*

It is odd…how… *frowns* blind I can be sometimes. I have been interested in Wicca for a wile now.. tying to decide how I wanted to approach it. The belief system itself interests me (very very independent & femme focused), I have always had a love for ritual and spells…ad I try to make visualization & meditation a way of life. But somehow…I could never get past the Celtic/Old Britian roots of it. I simply couldn’t turn my back on my heritage like that. So then.. I checked into the Yoruba/Voudun/Santeria faiths… and still none of them really.. I don’t know…they didn’t spark that HEY this is what I have been looking for thing…they ranged too far from the things that had attracted me to Wicca in the first place. And then… I was reading Drawing Down the Moon again.. and something in there caught my eye and mind… a comment about those who worshipped the Egyptian god/esses. And I was off! *laughs* I am disgustingly logical about almost everything tat I do.. and while I want to find out more about Tameran (basically Egyptian Wicca.. yeah yeah I know….) I want to work within a mind set that I have...examined and worked on. *smiles* So I read...and I think.. and I write… and I dream…and…*smiles* rediscovering the cat Goddess Bast… I don’t know… It is odd and amazing and empowering and scary all at once.. cuz I have no CLUE what I’m doing...but it all feels SO right…that I’m actually trusting my heart and just working from there…
Goddess… I don’t belive that it is only 2 something.. I was up kinda late with CAK and I am sooooo sleepy. *sighs* Ad next weekend is the Jamaroqui concert. *WHOO HOOO* I’m gonna be tripping and dippin and flippin right on out….The first one I went t was the BOMB. Simply wonderful…*sighs* and the weekend after that I am getting my braids put back in…by hook or by crook…ffffrrrreeeeedddoooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ummhmmmm. I have been feeling so darn good…after that super super low point I hit.. it is like I feel light and airy and…giggly and shit again. But it hink that just might be the sleepiness talking.. that or the vitamins.
I have issues swallowing pills….major ones. It took me close to a month to get used to taking birth control pills and those suckers are TINY. So of course.. vitamins and the like were out out out…well yesterday.. me & nee were wandering around Lil Five…and went into a health food store…and lo and behold…not only did they have LIQUID multivitamins….the had CHEWABLE iron pills…the price was not even an object. :) I’mma be healthier dammit. Somehow or another…okay.. I’m so sleepy my nose is throbbing…and I’m babbling. Must stop doing that…and instead try to

Stay Jazzed.

Whiiiirrrllllllwind & Ritual

Thoughts that have been floating through my mind for a while…

Sex is a ritual. It can be used to bring you closer to the…One. The Creator... but at the same time, it can pull you further away by blurring what is really going on. It can be used to open the heart…or to blur the *thinks* connection that you have with the heart.
Pain, too…can be a ritual. It can take you to another place... somewhere OUT of your usual consciousness. *frowns* This is hard for me to put into words.. that make sense outside of my own mind. Hm.
what I’m trying to say is that…there are things that PULL you out of yourself. Things that eliminate the boundaries that we place between other people and ourselves. Sex is one…and only of those things. When you are outside of yourself…you… *sighs* can experience so much more. Goddess it is SO hard to put this into words…I feel like I’m trying to say something that can’t really be said.

This is part of the reason why I want to be celibate. I’m trying to find a spiritual pat for myself…that will let me.. connect to other people.. other things outside of myself. For a while, sex WAS my religion…and in the process of conversion.. I have to distance myself from the old religion. That is why I decided to become celibate…freeing my mind/body & heart from one connection to clean it out and be prepared for another…*sighs* what I FEEL is making perfect sense...but like the whirlwind I can’t grasp it long enough to say THIS is so…and write it down…
Argh….these headaches are really starting to suck. And the stomachaches too… I almost don’t want to eat because about two hours later.. no matter what I eat.. I feel icky & queasy and stuff. *sighs* I have been thinking of eating just.. uncooked stuff (veggies and the like) for a while to let my stomach handle whatever issues it may have. Urg. I am sooooo sleepy. Good grief. I’m gone….babbling to myself is not helping me any… I need sleep uh oh ah need sleep oh ah need sleep ….. *walks off singing..*

Stay Jazzed…

Whiiiirrrllllllwind & Ritual

Thoughts that have been floating through my mind for a while…

Sex is a ritual. It can be used to bring you closer to the…One. The Creator... but at the same time, it can pull you further away by blurring what is really going on. It can be used to open the heart…or to blur the *thinks* connection that you have with the heart.
Pain, too…can be a ritual. It can take you to another place... somewhere OUT of your usual consciousness. *frowns* This is hard for me to put into words.. that make sense outside of my own mind. Hm.
what I’m trying to say is that…there are things that PULL you out of yourself. Things that eliminate the boundaries that we place between other people and ourselves. Sex is one…and only of those things. When you are outside of yourself…you… *sighs* can experience so much more. Goddess it is SO hard to put this into words…I feel like I’m trying to say something that can’t really be said.

This is part of the reason why I want to be celibate. I’m trying to find a spiritual pat for myself…that will let me.. connect to other people.. other things outside of myself. For a while, sex WAS my religion…and in the process of conversion.. I have to distance myself from the old religion. That is why I decided to become celibate…freeing my mind/body & heart from one connection to clean it out and be prepared for another…*sighs* what I FEEL is making perfect sense...but like the whirlwind I can’t grasp it long enough to say THIS is so…and write it down…
Argh….these headaches are really starting to suck. And the stomachaches too… I almost don’t want to eat because about two hours later.. no matter what I eat.. I feel icky & queasy and stuff. *sighs* I have been thinking of eating just.. uncooked stuff (veggies and the like) for a while to let my stomach handle whatever issues it may have. Urg. I am sooooo sleepy. Good grief. I’m gone….babbling to myself is not helping me any… I need sleep uh oh ah need sleep oh ah need sleep ….. *walks off singing..*

Stay Jazzed…

Life Ways

Hm….went out yesterday.. spent an enormous amount of money. I have realized that the only way I really eat is if I buy the food already made.. I haven’t eaten at home in….. oh…. Almost 3 weeks now. Why? *shrugs* I am hungry as all get out…but have absolutely no appetite.. therefore I don’t know WHAT I want...and having a variety of things ready to be served makes it easier.
Some people say that writing something down makes it more real…makes it solid and fixed. Sometimes I agree…sometimes I don’t…but today I’m going to write this down…and set it as true within myself. Actually.. I am going to write THESE down…two things…that I will do to set my life…not back on track…but back in the groove. ( I guess the groove could be the track tho huh? )
1) I will be celibate until my birthday…January 13, 2000.
2) I will not eat any pork or beef . Anymore. Period.
I think that the second one will actually be harder than the first… simply because I tend to eat unaware of WHAT I’m putting in my mouth. Problem?? Yes…but something I will deal with later…but limiting WHAT I will eat…I have to make myself more aware of what I am doing…what I am ordering and so forth. Argh. I was actually going to add chicken to that list…but I’m not ready to do that just YET…*smiles* I’m easing on in…into a lot of things. *sighs* I haven’t felt so relaxed in a while….though I am sleeping an awful lot.. I think of it as a way that my mind can heal itself again…*smiles* I’m taking life in a different way now…….*thinks* how to explain this?? Everything that happens…*sighs* each action that one does leads one on a different path. The missing of a bus… that leads you to get home late.. that leads you to sleep late.. that leads you to… and so forth and so on… Each thing that I do takes me down a different road.. one that didn’t even exist before I chose to make that decision. And it’s not that I believe in predestination ..because then there would be no sense in doing anything because it would all be plotted out. But instead I believe in a multitude of possibilities…and some possibilities don’t even exist until I choose to do... or not to do something. And so…I am patient with life… walking down paths that open up...and not really worrying about the paths I am missing.. because there is an infinite number of things that I am missing.. and worrying about the things I am NOT doing makes the things that I am doing a lot less enjoyable. *sighs*

Looking Forward...

I feel frenetic (is that a word) sometimes…not frantic with all that wasted energy but frenetic…a sort of directionless outflow…okay…so it’s wasted energy. I don’t know what’s going on with me...and I wonder if simply talking about my *thinks* problem/blockage/emotional & psychic wound will help me heal from it. But I feel so much better…I feel…not quite motivated...but something on the edge of motivation. I feel like I can do this…. this being just life. *sighs*
Wow. How utterly.. odd…my supervisor just came over and asked me when I was going back to school…so that he could start the interview process. This is.. Odd…hm. I really LIKE this job…and it doesn’t seem like 8 months that I have been here…but it has been. And I have become part of the team that works here…and god knows…I’m gonna miss them.As I was cleaning out my desk.. I found this.. I might have put it in here before. ..but I’m putting it up again…

there is no shame in loving
there is no shame in expressing love
the only shame is when love is
repressed
flung back
denied
made immoral
smeared turned into
control & abuse
changed into something
that calls itself
love
but does not bring joy
or
peace
or a sense of well being
we can kill
we can lie
we can steal
we can hate
but we cannot love
freely
easily
with the fullness of spirit & heart
there is no shame in loving
only shame in love denied.

Stay Jazzed.

Chaos Theory

i’m sorry that you seem
to think that i
must follow you
into self destruction.
i’m quite disappointed
that you
have no clue who i am
considering
that we spent a life together
that would have been better spent apart

i‘m mortified
by your insistence
that we are two halves of some
indistinct whole
when you
don’t
know
who
i
am.
i’m who you set out to be
and forgot
somewhere between loving
and living a life
that was
dictated
by some old woman
who didn’t even live in a shoe.
i‘m who you
still
dream of
when the headaches
of duality
strike you down.
i‘m who haunts you
flashing out
i mean
LASHING
out
when you stray from yourself

i’m who
lurks
behind your eyes
and whispers the doubts
that turn in to truths
or lies

i’m the dark side
of your laughter
and the joy
in your tears
i’m the pain that strikes you
and the sleep that eases your fears
i am the id to your ego
and the sun to your moon
i‘m the darkness that scares you
and the comfort you croon.
i’m you
before you knew
that you were
merely
human.
i’m mortified
by your doubts in my existence
and your hopeless longing for a watered down version
of me
i’m quite disappointed
in your
conscious avoidance of me
who has lived a lifetime with you
that would have been better spent
living apart.
i‘m sorry
that you hunt me down
in books
and stories
and television melodramas
everywhere
but here
where i lurk
behind your eyes.

Super Woman

We all have our faults. The failings that haunt us in the dark and make us feel less than human. Less than the person that we want to be. We all have our faults. Some are physical…I’m too fat…I’m too skinny…I’m not strong enough/pretty enough/man enough/woman enough. Some are mental…I’m too slow…I’m not smart…I’m not a math whiz. And some, the worst of all, are emotional. The ones that say that ‘I’m not worthy’…of anything. The ones that make you believe in everything and everyone other than yourself. The failings that redefine who you are, and suddenly have you believing that you are a lot less than you could be.

Somehow, I have grown old & stagnant over the past year. I was challenged by something that was too much & too great for me and I failed. Failed who? No one…but myself & my own image of WHO I was. I failed to beat this thing…and in that loss, I lost a chunk of myself. Actually, I just lost TOUCH with a chunk of myself. That piece of myself is still in me… but.. *sighs* I am having a remarkably hard time getting in touch with her. It is that piece of me that allows me to be firm in myself… that gives me the strength and the back bone to define myself as I am…as I see me. *sighs* And it’s kinda scary to think that I have attempted to replace that missing piece of me with.. other expressions. *shrugs* mainly sex…thank god never drugs. *sighs* I feel like I have poured all of my hopes and my dreams of who I thought I was and who I wanted to be out in an outpouring of the one thing that I have always ‘succeeded’ in…sex. I was afraid…and my fear limited me.

Never before had I been afraid. Never before did I understand the pain and the crippling of a failure. And honestly… I have no clue how to deal with it. Thanks to hours of therapy (NASB…you the WOMAN!!) I can face it... but... how to live with it? That I’m not sure how to do…how do I live with the knowledge that I am NOT perfect… that everything I do CAN go wrong…but it can also go right? How can I build up the belief in myself again that says…the trying is more important than the succeeding… because trying over and over again gives one a better chance OF succeeding.. *sighs* How can I consciously FACE my fears…face and overcome them?? CAK believes in the power of prayer…Nee believes in herself…MJW…hell I’m not sure what he believes in… *sighs* mostly likely himself. *sighs*

It’s time for be to become me again. To become the woman that I am growing towards…to destroy the construct that I have build in a effort to be perfect... to be more than human. I think this…the trying to be after the falling down…will be harder than the falling down itself ever was. We all have faults…it is part of being human. And now comes the super human part…accepting them…and moving on.

Stay Jazzed.

Shades of Orange

Fragile…like a ice flower made of steel. So strong yet so brittle…another kind of fragile.
*sighs* That is how I feel right now…like my mind is on an edge, just as strong as it once was... but so cold it has become brittle…and dangerously delicate. IT scares me…feeling so totally…. Out of myself. *sighs* I feel disconnected… like I pulled a plug between my brain and my heart and it is dangling somewhere. I explained to one of my friends…I am a moody person…but all my moods are ranges of blue. Sunlight blue & sky blue & dark night blue & eye blue & sea blue & Kool-Aid blue. But this state I am in now is orange…something totally NOT blue…not really me. *sighs* I have been reading more & more about depression…and I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I may suffer from it… and sometimes I just sink a little further into it. *thinks* I used to be so driven..so…motivated …so energetic. And then something changed and I turned into a sloth… *sighs* I don’t WANT to be a sloth..but I don’t have the energy or the…. ‘oomph!’ to unsluggy myself. I have a list of places that you can go to to get a free screening… *sighs* but that would mean mustering up the energy to do so. *shrugs & sighs* inertia & melancholy… a dreadful combo.

things always come in bunches
it seems
loss of hopes
loss of lives
loss of dreams

I’m concerned about my sexuality AGAIN…but this time the other way around. For some reason…the thought of being with a man…is... *gags* yicky to me. *shakes head* I don’t know… I haven’t had real sex with a man…by real sex I mean…*sighs* I don’t know… I got some from the back about three weeks ago… but hell…Tfemale has done better with a dildo. So what is my problem you ask? *shrugs* I don’t know… I feel like I have been tossed into a whirlwind and everything is up in the air. Nothing is stable…*sighs* I don’t know what’s wrong…and it’s scaring me.

It is so odd to be SO aware of the fact that something is wrong. *sighs* And I was hoping that the more I wrote/talked about it the better it would be...but it’s not. Something is wrong and I don’t know what it is.. I’m off balance and out of whack and I can’t TALK to anyone about it because I wouldn’t know what words to put together to make it clear. God/dess…this is horrible…I feel like I want to curl up in ball and just cry…for no damn reason at all.

And then three hours later… I feel fine. Or I at least feel fine enough to ignore the fact that I don’t feel so fine at all. And as long as I don’t think about how not fine I feel…I feel great. And life is sunny. And as long as I don’t look STRAIGHT up I can avoid seeing the storm cloud. And as long as I can convince myself that ‘it is all in my head’ (I think I am a junior hypochondriac) I don’t have to worry that something may be wrong.

I needed to talk to somebody so bad last night.. and so I called CAK. HE was worried about me at first…*grins* I guess he figured that the only reason I would break my ‘no long distance’ rule in a case of fire emergency.. but I just wanted to talk…to somebody. *sighs* it is SOOO frustrating to want to say something at simply not be able to put it into words…especially for a writer. Everything can be expressed by words except for this whirlwind in my head. I don’t know what I wanted to say…but he made me feel better. *sighs* I can’t wait for him to come down here. *frowns* even tho I’m not sure as to how good the tickets will be (damn me for waiting so long) just having him here will be great & wonderful & stuff. I have this urge to reach out to people… I want to connect somehow and bring myself back together…but not sexually… what a shock. I don’t want to talk about sex.. I don’t want to think about sex, I don’t even want to her other’s tales about sex. *siiiggghhhhs*

The OD is letting me keep track of my moods…but I don’t think this is part of any kinda cycle…*sighs* or weather or anything else. Dammit. And somehow…the thought of staying Jazzed is the furthest thing from my mind.

I think it's bout time that I ring a bell &

move along.....

*sucks in a really really really deep breath* Okay.. I am suffering from some serious interpersonal issues. I feel totally crazy. I snap at friends…I lie to acquaintances…I feel like I am spiraling out of control and I don’t know what to do. And I have this overwhelming urge to get delightfully and smashingly drunk...which somehow I don’t think would be too wise. *sighs* and then I am so worried about MJW. Something is pushing me to get in touch with him.. I am actually worried about him for some reason…more because I just need to know that he is okay than anything else.

Anyway… *stretches & wiggles toes* I want to get a pedicure I think… *sighs* something is seriously wrong with me over here…and I have no clue what or why…*sighs*

I don’t even feel like writing.

And I sure as HELL don’t feel like trying to

Stay Jazzed.