Dreamin a New World

I wanna curl up
in the infinity
that is your eyes
and humm a lullaby
that stretches from here
to there
and connects my heart to you
I wanna lay down
under you
and let your smell
enter me
move me
take me
awwwwwaaaayyyyy
I wanna love you
like never before
and like never again
and love you
everyday
the same way
I wanna be YOURS
in a way that stamps you all
over me
and my heart
and can never be erased.

damn. I have decided that my heart is actually in my stomach.. cuz EVERYTIME something happens.. emotionally stressful to me… my stomach hurts. And ever since I have come home from home *laughs* my stomach has been aching. Between being simply SCARED as shit about going ‘back’ to school… the worries about me taking on a leadership role in my sorority, and my money issues…. *sighs* I think I have actually lost weight. And… *sighs* I don’t know….It’s odd to have so much.. undirected worry. I have really.. no reason to worry. All I have to do is be sure to…handle my business and myself well.
*sighs* but like I have always said.. I have so little faith in myself…. *frowns* I just have all these GRADIOSE plans… and no freaking follow through. *sighs* but this isn’t gonna be a beat down or a bitch session.. no not at all… This was supposed to be an uplifting moment…or at least the beginning of one. *sighs* I felt this way when I left Tech too tho…just lost & adrift & shit.
For some reason I haven’t felt like writing much lately. I have been thinking about nothing really… I feel blank. blagh. like everything interesting has been wiped out of my head.. and what is left I’m not quite ready to put down on paper yet. I’m not ready to make them real…which is what recording something has always meant to me. Somehow you are making it more real.
I have been having some… incredible dreams lately. Sadly, I can’t really remember them.. I just know that they have been simply wondrous. I think that may be one of the reasons that I sleep so much.. I simply get sucked into the dream so much that I don’t want to get up...and I think that I want to go to sleep so that I can get sucked in… *sighs* I need to start keeping a dream journal next to my bed.
I feel myself slipping into a state of depression & withdrawal.. and I’m really trying to fight it tooth and nail… because I DON’T need to be.. I can’t be down while I’m starting school. I will be really really shooting myself in the foot. I may go and get some St. John’s Wort (yeah self dosing) and try taking that an a daily basis. and I NEED to take my ass to the gym again and start getting some endorphins flowing.
*sighs* but really… all I want to do is sleep….and

Stay Jazzed.

Surveys

1. Name: Aishah (at least the one I share)
2. Nickname(s): Mami
3. E-mail address: look at the diary description
4. Age: 22
5. Birthday: 01/13/1977
6. Sex (as in gender): female
7. ICQ #: see email
8. Social Security #: Oh… your JOKING right?
**Alright, let's move on to some favorites, and there are a lot of them.
9. NFL Team: wha?
10. NBA Team: huh?
11. Major League Baseball Team: who?
12. NHL Team: say wha?
13. Food: Medditerian, Indian
14. Cereal: Smart Start or Corn Pops
15. Type of Ice Cream: Dulce de Leche
16. Soda: Schwepps Gingerale
17. Brand of jeans: Gap Wide Leg
18. Shampoo: Ummm…hm it depends. Something that is VERY moisturizing
19. Store: Books: Borders Clothes: Value City Home Stuff: Pier 1
20. Color: BLUE
21. Season: Spring
22. Time of day: Night
23. Actor: none
24. Actress: none
25. Author: Mercedes Lackey at this time
26. Book: All of them….at this time
27. Board Game: Scrabble
28. Talk Show: *shrugs* Don’t watch them
29. Cartoon: Daria
30. Cartoon Character: Daria
31. Favorite time in your life thus far? High School
32. What is one thing you could live without? bills
33. Now, how about the one thing you couldn't live without? books
34. Do you own any collections; and if so, of what? music and books
35. What is your one obsession (and believe me, we all have one)? Houses
36. Birthstone: Garnet
37. Astrological Sign: Capricorn
38. Favorite Type of Flower: roses
39. Best Smell: Egyptian Musk
40. Worst Smell: sour trash
41. Best Band: band? *siiigggghhs*
42. Worst Band: see above
43. Best Commercial: don’t know
44. Worst Commercial: most of them
45. Would you rather go to school or work for $1 hour? School..add a couple of zeros to that figure and ya might geta different answer
46. Do you enjoy snow or water skiing more? Water. The UNFROZEN kind
47. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Ummmm 12? 15?
48. How often do you clip your fingernails? Never. I LIKE them long
49. Who do you watch: Leno or Letterman? Neither
50. If you could have one special power, what would it be? To make myself look like aything/anyoneI wanted to.
51. Best morning news program? I listen to the radio in the morning
52. Name the one thing you put on everyday (besides underwear): my silver. But then again, I never take it off
53. When's the last time you went to the doctor (not including physicals)?: *thinks* I’m assuming that includes GYN visits…so it has been a couple of years.
54. How many hours of sleep do you average during school? 4-7 hours
55. During the summer? 6-10 hours.
56. What position do you sleep in? On my side
57. How many covers do you use? One (down comforter or sheet)
58. How many pillows do you use? 2 & a teddy bear
59. What is the size of your bed? Full
60. What do you sleep in? If I’m alone in my home – nude. If I have a platonic guest – a tee shirt If I have a non platonic guest – nude
61. Best CD? Too hard to decide, but TLC’s FanMail isa favorite
62. Favorite soundtrack? Love Jones
63. Favorite Song? Silly Ho, by TLC or My Love is You Love by Whitney Houston
64. Song you're embarrassed to admit you like? The Macarena
66. Least favorite movies? Anything gory
67. How many movies did you see in the past year? *shrugs* 20?
68. How many of those were in the movie theater? 10?
69. Favorite comedy TV show?: The Steve Harvey Show
70. Drama TV show?: Buffy, the Vampire Slayer/Ally McBeal (or is that a comedy?)
71. Sci-Fi TV show?: Star Trek: The Next Generation
72. Worst TV shows?: Almost everything else…Charmed.
73. Prom-is it all its cracked up to be? Mine? No….my best friends’ (at that point) oh YES
74. How often do you pray?: rarely.
75. Do you prefer a comb/brush/or pick?: Comb …brushes don’t work in my hair
76. Pen or pencil?: Pen
77. Do you have pets; and if so, what?: nope
78. What has been the best trip that you've taken?: Niagra Falls
79. Name the least favorite chore you are made to do: Cleaning the BAthroom
80. The chore that you tolerate the most: washing dishes
81. What was your favorite toy as a child? Legos
82. Do you believe in fate?: Yes
83. Love at first sight?: Yes
84. That there's a certain person out there for you somewhere?: Yes
85. How about UFO's?: Yes. How else did I get here? .
86. Ghosts?
87. Reincarnation?: Yes.
88. Angels?: Yes
89. Horoscopes?: Sometimes
90. Abortion?: A choice I PRAY (see there is one time) I never have to make
91. Pre-Marital Sex?: Yes. : - )
92. Y2K?: *shrugs* well yeah.

Floating

Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for,
but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny,
but to accept.
To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes,
and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.


I’m letting go… I’m releasing it all. All I can carry is me. All I can hold is what can fit in my hands…I can’t share someone else’s burden…nor can I try to give mine to someone else. I’m pushing free…and floating in my own sea.
*sighs* to do any less is unfair to me.
to do any more is unfair to me.
and I AM the keeper of my own ways.

A New Road to Hoe...

listen
to the sound
of a heart
breaking into
three
dropping everything to
catch the pieces
before they fall
and roll away
I read a tale today
and heard the sound
but moved too slow
and my heart lay on the ground

I don’t know how to start this.. or how to finish it.. over even where somewhere is in the middle that I could jump in and work my way out from there. *laughs* sometimes I tend to forget what ‘this’ is… and other times it is all I can think about. How can I translate what is only a blurry mental image into words that can convey not just what I see but what I feel…how can I describe top you a point that I have reached only be being so totally and utterly myself that if I strayed from being myself…because I was the one doing I was still myself? Confusing huh? yeah.. and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I can’t compile myself into a story short enough to fit here…to understand me fully would take a tale that is 22 years long…and my the time it was done…parts of it would be outright lies.. and parts would be simply antiquated. *sighs* some things cannot be expressed or understood my anything other than the heart.
This is my story
This is my life
This is my heart
This is my love(s)
and so much more too…
I cleaned my room yesterday, and in the process of cleaning… found and Old OLD journal of mine… as I was putting in away.. a card fell out of it. I wads from MJW… from a few years ago. And as I read it.. I realized that what I was asking for...he had…in his own way already given to me. *laughs* I wonder if he remembers… I wonder why I didn’t remember. *sighs* anyway…. I slid the card back in my journal…and dreamed of him last night. It was a dream along the lines of the ones I had before the break…and in that way I guess my heart was telling my mind that all was well. Now that THAT connection is healed… *looks around* I have to complete the delving into myself.
I had actually slowed down on my goddess search.. there was too much around me pulling me in other directions. Now all I have to worry about/think on is my last few days at work.. and my rapidly approaching school times. *deep breaths* I think that I will come up with some mediations for school before it starts. *shakes head* I already know that I can’t allow other folx ideas of when I should be done and how I should be done affect my own journey. *deep breath* This is MY life…and I will have to deal with each and every one of the decisions that I make. *deeper breath* whoo….. This WILL be interesting…..

Stay Jazzed.

Dance Fever....

Okay…confusion confession.

We went to a club on *thinks* Sunday Night.. right after Final Performance. Me..MJW…Nee (who had FINALLY made it back) and three of the other counselors. It was a little club… but very nice.. Kinda empty, but I’m assuming that Sunday was just a slow night. Okay.. anyhow.. how can I explain this? *sighs* me & MJW danced…*laughs* and that was cool.. but *sighs* I don’t know… I felt like I was dancing with an entirely different person. As much of a writer as I try be I can’t put this into words…we danced like mad people… twisting and twining and holding on for dear life. We danced like this was the last & first dance of a life time…we danced until we sweated and sighed…and then held on like ship wreck victims to each other to dance some more. We danced to reggae…hip hop…bounce...house…techno...everything… we danced for almost 3 hours straight…never once stopping to catch our breaths. We danced like lovers who have never touched…and like friends who share a heart. We danced…front to back… back to front… front to front...side to side… holding and hugging and touching and grasping.. *sighs* Dear god I have never danced like that before…and I don’t know if I will ever dance like that again.
So what is the problem you ask? Simple…and not so simple. I wonder where that dancing came from.. that dance had depth and emotion and…*sighs* all kinds of underwater things going into it. The dance was sensual…and just a little sexual. *sighs* and the problem is.. I don’t know if he knew. There was one time when he grabbed my hands and pulled my arms into the air… and I think I would have collapsed from the wave of utter…amazement & heat that swept over me…if I hadn’t already been leaning up against him…*sighs* So my problem? I don’t know how to fit that in with the rest of him. With the icy cool & silent person I rode home with later that night. *sighs* Damn Pisces. And this is making it no better…. ARGHHHHH…

Stay Jazzed.

3 A.M. in The Garden of Love & Pain

I wrote this earrrrlllly this morning as I was fighting sleep something terrible

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so damn nosy. And sometimes…I wonder if I am not probing enough.

I read something that I don’t think…helll that I KNOW I wasn’t supposed to see because it just confused the hell out of me. I refuse to believe that the author of the words is the same person whose handwriting it was in...the person that I (thought/think I) knew. It just wouldn’t work…it wouldn’t make logical or emotional sense.
It’s strange being around him. I realize that the friendship that I am trying to save/renew is based totally on the past…as I deal with old friends, I am always forced to ask myself - if I had met this person today and not blank years ago, would I become friends with them? and the answer with Nee has always been a wholehearted YES…but with MJW...sometimes I’m not sure. He is such a hard nut to crack. One moment cool, silent and distant…and the next moment lavish in his affections. And I don’t trust what I can’t be certain of. Capriciousness was never really one of my favorite things in people.
Somehow…I feel like being here HAS been a turning point for me & not in the direction I expected. It was a turning away…my last day here & I was in a delicious funk as I felt myself slowly & finally & hopefully almost permanently…letting go. I felt myself settling into a new space, a new state of relating to him. The TRIO has changed. We have all grown in different ways, and I don’t know if we still fit together. We don’t really KNOW each other anymore. Me & Nee.. yeah okay. We spent a summer together & because of that we have grown to learn the new & older us So we have adjusted our perceptions of each other to the point at which we are now seeing the selves that we are now, rather than the selves we used to be. MJW however, has been left out of that loop, & I know that some of the ideas/ perceptions that I have of him are outdated, but we haven’t had time for any updates. *sighs* and then… CAK has been on my mind all weekend. I’m not ready to fully fall in love with him. I think…with total honesty, that we would break each others heart right now. I am not caring & giving & sympathetic enough to handle him on a daily basis. I would not be able to fulfill the needs that he has that I would feel that I needed to fulfill as his woman. He doesn’t have a thick enough skin to handle my selfish points, and I can’t constantly pull punches.. *sighs* But I’m feeling him sliding into that portion of my heart.
*sighs* And I am so ready… goddess I want to fall in love.. I want to be loved & treasured and sometimes I think that I am just not ready for it. I am so NOT together in me right now.. I have so much else going on… but at the same time I am reaching for others. I am growing & expanding and trying to branch out into a whole nother realm of BEING. Sometimes… I feel myself arching up and growing. I feel like if I had a sprit plant I would be ivy. Stretchin and creeping…reaching and growing…always arching towards the sun, and always striving to hold as much as possible in my grasp.
dammit I want to be come a holder of hearts. a treasurer of sacred spaces and secret dreams. I want to be a repository of dreams.. and a mirror of fantasies. but I have to be able to hold all of mine first…and that is my problem. I’m still not sure what my dreams & wishes are. I feel like I need to strip myself down to the bone.. to the pure basic essence of who & what I am.. and then slowly rebuild myself. *sighs* I…I want to go on a *thinks* I don’t know what it is called… a dream walk and vision quest. I have considered fasting… but *shrugs* I barely eat now so that wouldn’t help much. I KNOW the way to strip down to my totally basic self.. but I can’t afford to go without sleep for any extended period of time right now. *sighs* Ah well….. I’m going to wander off back into the garden of my heart again…and try to prune back my trees a little….

Stay Jazzed

Love don't Love you...

I’m going home this weekend. Whoo. Yeah.. me.. I’m going home this weekend. To see my grandmother, and to see Final Performance at Upward Bound…and to see MJW. I’m not nervous. I’m not even scared. Apprehensive? Maybe… I feel like my going home now is about to have me turn a corner I’m not sure if I am ready to face. I have come to a bridge that I’m not sure if I am ready to SEE much less cross. And yet…if our history stands good…nothing will change. It will be like any other time…me aching to see him, him cool, calm & ever so fucking collected. And the images of things that his boyfriend has inserted into my head of times when he is…not… *shakes head* some things you just don’t need to know.
He calls me sister.
I’m done. That is all I have to say about that.

I have been having the oddest series of dreams lately.
Psychosomatic hint – when you get a gentle throbbing headache at the THOUGHT of actually fully and totally letting yourself fall in love…there is a problem.



I want to be in love
wrapped in it like a wool
blanket
soft and irritating
all at once
I want to be in love
like a fish in tea
knowing everything is so right
but something is so wrong too
I want to be IN love
like drowning in air
knowing that something so
impossible
presents a mental puzzle
that will take me a lifetime
to solve
I want to be in love
like a perfect day
that is created
with no help from me
but
just the ability to see it
I want to be in love
until I can’t breathe
until I can’t speak
until I can’t see
because I am hiding
under the covers
of my love filled
bed

I want to fall in love
like falling into a tar pit
sticky
warm
and utterly inescapable
I want to fall in love
with the perfect man
for someone else
and the perfect fit
for me
I want to fall in love
like a egg
dropped from the 13th floor
changed
into something utterly different
and better
in some ways
than it was before
I want to fall in love
again
for good
forever
with someBODY
who wants to fall in love too
I want to fall in love
for all the wrong reasons
and with all the right intentions
and somehow
make it all come up
dandelions.

I know.....

I’ve decided just what to do with myself. I’m going to take life slow now. Take my time in doing the things that I want to do, to be sure that I do them right like I should have done the first time. I’m going to take love slow, sex slow, relationships slow, school slow, EVERYTHING slow. Not slow in the sense that I won’t do it.. or will drag my feet, but slow in the sense that I won’t rush it. I won’t greenhouse my life, trying to force experiences and people and tings to come to me before they are ready. I’m going to wait until it is ripe to reach for it, wait until it is full and whole and complete. I’m going to fill up every step & every breath of my life with development & purpose – To take life at it’s fullest.

I know I’m impatient. I want things now…and preferably yesterday. I know I’m not good at the long haul...or at seeing the big picture. I know that I’m focused on a few things to the almost exclusion of all others. I know that I love too easy & too much…sometimes. I know that I ask for too little sometimes…and give too much. I know that my silence can hurt…and my temper can wound. I know that I have a long way to go to get where I THINK I might want to be…and I also know that for all I know…I might be there already. I know that for me…holding on is harder than letting go…and letting go is sometimes impossible…even when the other person is gone. I know that I have bright eyes…which hide little from those who know me well. but…..

I think I know how to wait…when waiting is all you can do. I know I’m strong enough for the long haul…even as I curse every step of it. I know the big picture is there…and that I AM a part of a lot more than me. I know I love fully and freely…and I try to resist the urge to hold back because of pain. I know that sometimes…silence is the only way to control my temper. I know that I am happy here…and I think I will be happy with where I am tomorrow. I know that letting go…sometimes helps you to hold on…and that people….like me do change and come back. I know I have a silent heart…that whispers to me what will truly make me happy.

Stay Jazzed.

Changing Times

Everything must change
Nothing stays the same
Everyone will change
No one stays the same
Young become the old &
Mysteries do unfold
That’s the way of time
Nothing & no goes unchanged
There are not many things in life you can be sure of
Except
Rain comes from the clouds
Sun lights up the sky
Hummingbirds do fly
Winter turns to spring
A wounded heart will heal
But never much too soon
Cuz everything will change
Young become the old &
Mysteries do unfold
That’s the way of time
Nothing & no goes unchanged
There are not many things in life you can be sure of
Except
Rain comes from the clouds
Sun lights up the sky
Hummingbirds do fly
Rain comes from the clouds
Sun lights up the sky
Hummingbirds do fly Rain comes from the clouds
Sun lights up the sky
Hummingbirds do fly
Everything must Change
Nothing stays the same
Rain &
Sun &
Hummingbirds
Expect the rain &
The sun &
Music makes me cry
Oleta Adams – Everything Must Change

This song makes me cry. It reminds me that friends will be lost and lovers will fade away. It reminds me that what I hold as vital now… may be nothing to me next year. It reminds me that my life is short…and precious… and fragile & that anything I do is only fleeting . It tells me that one day I will be a mother…a grandmother… a dead woman. It tells me that no matter how bad things are...they can only get better…or get worse. It tells me that as I breathe & as I live & as I love & as I grow & as I die I will be changing and reshaping myself into something better & more perfect. It tells me that sometimes…to hold on I have to let go.

Stay Jazzed

Paganism & Peace

The following is something I wrote after having an interesting conversation with someone about witchcraft/Wicca. I would like to note that I am NOT NOT NOT speaking for everyone who follows a different path…and that there ARE some folx who worship the classical images of ‘Satan’…but many of us DON’T.

Why is it that people still believe in religion, but magic & Wicca is unreal? They are based on the same basic principles – the belief in something unseen, untouchable, undemonstratable that when supplicated & approached in the correct way provides the desired results. So, then where is the source of the disbelief and prejudice? Perhaps it lies in the fact that Wicca has always gotten the bad rap of being inherently evil, while religion was always inherently good. And perhaps there we have the problem. Not the belief itself, but rather the perceived methodology of incorporating those beliefs. The problem/issue at hand is not the fact that Wiccans supplicate some unknown ‘thing’, but the fact that it is assumed that ‘thing’ which they supplicate is ‘Satan’ rather than ‘God’. The body & blood they supposedly use in their rites is babies’ blood and flesh, rather than the bread and wine of Mass. The altar is supposedly flesh, rather than stone…and so forth.
So, the problem is not in the supplication, but in the perceived forms of the one who Wiccans supplicate. We could supplicate the Judeo-Christian father god, but he tends to be a bit stern, believes in consistent vengeance & is a little too macho for many Wiccans tastes. So we turn to other beings, other names whether they be male in the form of Ausar, Apollo or Shango. Or perhaps the names we use are female, in the form of Baast, Diana or Yemeya. They still reflect our belief in something much greater than ourselves, who may have created us, or who may themselves be the creations of something even greater.
We worship from our homes & in the fields and forested places where we can feel closer to what our God/desses represent to us. We create mixtures that heal, and perform chant and prayers and songs that bring us peace. We do our best to find the path that will bring us closer to a state of peace & spiritual harmony. And we try to do it all…while harming none.
So the next time you meet someone who is a Wiccan…or who practices witchcraft…or who is a Pagan (of any type) think about what they are trying to do for themselves & others before you dismiss us as superstitious fools. We, too are searching for peace…and although our paths may differ…in many ways…we are the same.