every beginning...is another beginnings end.

What are you passionate about? What excites you and brings forth joy? What would you want to do no matter what no matter where no matter why? My immediate response would have to be photography and writing/reading. But at the same time I can’t lay claim to those passions because I am not passionate about them. I don’t burn to take pictures... my hands don’t feel empty when I don’t.... I don’t feel lost when I am not writing (even though I do it so much and so casually ..maybe I am always writing) but somehow I feel that I drift through life. No.... I have figured out two of my new years resolutions.. just by looking at my life and figuring out what was wrong with it. 1) I will work out. Every day. Without fail. I have no excuse.. no reason NOT to. 2) I will tell the truth. Honest unflinching. And if I can’t tell it to myself here.. where else will I be able to tell it at?? So... in pursuit of being able to tell my own version of my truth.. the private unvarnished angry shit I told Tasha that I wrote.. I am making my diary private... yeah... I will vanish off of the face of the OD to all intents and purposes..but I never really came here for those other folx. I cam e here for me, for what I need to do...for what I need to be about. So, back to what I was saying. I don’t feel that I drift through life. I KNOW that I drift through life. Most of the major and important things that have happened e to me in my life have come about through little to no effort on my own part. I don’t think I have ever truly fought for anything. I don’t think I have ever felt passionate enough ABOUT anything to fight for it. I feel like a big fat old sloth, and most of the time I act like one too. It is sad and ugly and utterly ridiculous because it is limiting me in who I am and who I can become. So I want to try to pull some of the slothhood out of me and trample it by the roadside. I have noticed that my diet makes I difference. I have been eating carbs with a vengeance all this week and god knows I have not felt like doing anything but laying up in bed, reading, and eating more carbs *shudder* So as of Monday of next week (the 24th) I am back on my diet. Strict as ever... and maybe even a little stricter. And I will start to work out. *shrugs* NPO choice. I remember someone saying to me that they did not have the will power to be on a diet... and I told them that it wasn’t really about willpower. I t was all about saying that for my life... for my health... I have NO other choice. For my life and what I want my life to be.. I have no other choice. It isn’t an option anymore... it is a total need. It’s like saying I have the will power to breathe. HAH! No.. I have no choice. Anyway...enough about the diet and so forth... the real issue at hand is Tasha.... it’s all about Tasha. I don’t know what I want. I wonder if us being friends and only friends wouldn’t be a better thing... and then my mind comes up with will what would the major difference be. Tasha is talking about how she may spend the rest of her life alone. I don’t see that happening. And oddly enough.. that marks another difference between us. I wouldn’t really mind spending most of my life no in a relationship. I have my friends, my family and my work. I have more love than I know what to do with.. and to me sex isn’t a biggie. To her however, the thought of being alone is scary somehow... she doesn’t see the value or the strength in aloneness. In the silence and peace you can’t get any other way then being utterly by yourself. She has been in a relationship with the same man for 10 years... and yet she says that she knows herself. How can you know fully who YOU are... when most of your maturing.. your growing up has been done in the presence of one person? I told her that she was sliding out of one marriage and trying to slide right into another one. And that is the truth. She wants a ready made love affair there for her that is like the old one as much as possible... but with a woman and with the total and full truth in volved within it. I know me.... I know what plans that I have made for me life.... : ) They area good bit different from what she wants, what she plans. And I don’t know if we will be able to make those wants and planes mesh together. So am I saying that we will break up?? Not now.. no I don’t think so... but at some point in the future?? Yes... the fairytale is over and real life has poked it’s nosy little head in.... and I hope that we can spilt with peace... with a measure of dignity and calm.
Okay.... in pursuit of my NSL (non slothful life) I am about to finally clean my house as I have been saying that I will do all damn week. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed.

Dancing Dancing Dancing....with JOY!

*grins* *scatters hugs and kisses* I’m back I’m back thank the GODDESS Almighty I am BACKKKKKKK.
*sighs* I am simply afraid of all of the catching up that I have to do.. .because I KNOW that everyone (except me) has been faithfully writing in their diaries and so I will just have to go through my entire favorites list and hope for the best.
I missed you people.... thanks & extra kisses to everyone who left me a note... :) I was at ‘home’ (my mothers house) and she has a 486 computer with a 66mhz processor and a distinct aversion to working right. Add AOL 3.0 on top of that and it was a disaster waiting to happen. :) I gave up trying to access the Internet after a few hours (yes HOURS) and contented myself with checking my email everyonce in a while. Anyyhoowwww..... I think that we may have been the only people affected by the Y2K bug. My mothers computer died a peaceful death somewhere between 12/30/1999 and 01/03/00 because when I tried to boot it up after new years, it calmly informed me that not only was there no operating system on the computer, there was no hard drive to pull it from. *sighs* I kept trying to tell her to buy a new computer but nooooo.... so now she has a lovely and very expensive paperweight sitting on her desk.
What else has been going on??? Me & my Tashi are still going strong.. *grins* I am so glad that she has free cellular minutes otherwise my mother would KILL me when she saw her long distance bill. Anyhow we are going a trip together tomorrow ( this is the first night I am spending in my apartment until some point next week) and *grins* I love her more and more every day. We were out shopping today and the cashier asked us if we were best friends. *smiles* I just grinned and said ‘oh.... something like that’ and walked out the store. :) hmmmm two women glowing like that have to be best friends right??
Ummm... I did good in school last semester.... and I am kinda looking forward to this semester too... only because it will bring me closer to the time when I can be OUT OUT OUT.... :) I have to start interviewing and stuff..... well more than I am doing now because I want to have a job by May...... June at the latest.... cuz the bills and the bill collectors are startin to HOUND me.. *sighs* but that is okay.....

I think that I might transcribe some of what I handwrote over break into here...but I am not sure.. anyhow.. I gotta go.. I have a long day tomorrow and need to finish packing and get some sleep.


Stay Jazzed

The Darkest of times

Tonight is the longest night of the year. The world is shrouded in total darkness for a time... and then, as with all things in the world...it comes back to life. Celebrate the joy of rebirth, and new life. The start of something new...always means the end/death of something old.


Happy Solstice.


Stay Jazzed.

Happy Birthday Jazzy!!

How ironic.... 200 entries and my one year OpenDiary anniversary on the same day....hmmm you might almost think I had planned it that way. *wink wink*
Anyway.. I am celebrating right now.. I just emailed my last final to my professor...and I am FREE until January 12th to do what I please. No more pens no more books no more teachers dirty looks. Now... if I only passed all of my classes everything will be well. Anyhow...

The whole reason I was supposed to be writing has kinda gotten blurred, but that is okay because I was in no state to write about the woman that I was and the women I have become. It is really sad.. but I think that the main changes I have seen in myself are in my heart and my libido. Last year at this time, the last thing that I thought I would be doing next year would be discussing with my girlfriend whether or not we should move in together....*laughs* I mean realllllllyyyy..... so much has changed. I can’t even presume to think about what might be going on NEXT year at his time...especially considering that I would have graduated from college by ten, have a real job leading a to successful career hopefully...and... dear goddess I might not even be in the city anymore.

This time last year I was looking for love, religion, and stability in a life that suddenly seemed totally topsy turvy and screwed over.. now... hmmm I am at a calm point...how long it will last I don’t know... but... at least I can make myself believe that I can foresee the future and see my path moving smoothly towards a certain goal. And even better...and even more amazing for me... I can myself with someone....moving towards that goal. *laughs* I can see myself in a long term relationship...and it feels as natural and as regular as me saying that I am going to be with me for the rest of my life. Mannn.. I wonder if it is her womanhood that makes this so easy.. or is it her tashi-ness that makes this so easy... somehow.. I think that it is both.

Sighs...anyhow.... I just wanted to say a little something for this day.. and for this entry... and remind us all...


Stay Jazzed

Treading water

*deep breaths*
I am working on 6 hours of sleep since Sunday.
I have three finals left to take.
I have a horrendously dirty house.
I have no food.
I will survive.

Stay Jazzed.

Oh.. the Humanity!

Sometimes… I think that people forget that they are human.

I had to reread that sentence about four times before it started to make any sense to me. Yes….I did write the sentence ..and think of the sentence.. but it still took a while to sink in to my head what I am feeling..what I am trying to say… sometimes…people forget they are HUMAN. The things that we bitterly complain about others not doing…we don’t do ourselves. And I am not talking about the major things.. the life changing ones… I am talking about the little things.. the things that remind us that we are humans… not walking talking thinking animals. *sighs *

I’m talking about saying excuse me when trying to get by… I’m talking about treating someone with respect because they may be somebody’s mother father sister brother..and you would want yours treated the same way. I’m talking about smiling good morning… or wishing people a nice night….I’m talking about holding open a door… smiling at a baby… offering help. *sighs* I don’t know.. I’m tired and stressed and feeling despondent and…. I just don’t know.. I am surrounded by people who are so.. unfeeling so cold so heartless aht you wonder who raised these people… what happened to that attribute of caring and understanding that is captured in the word humanity.

People…show so little humanity to each other on a day to day basis… *sighs* It steps on my spirit and makes me want to cry fort he hopelessness of trying to do anything good in the world when people can’t even remember that we are all human…. That we all need love and shelter and warmth and family and…. Kindness and the little stuff that makes life more than just a day to day run for money and possessions.
I’m tired and sad and *sighs* I think I will go to bed now….

Stay Jazzed .
Stay Human.

Moaning......

Ever had something that you wanted really bad... and then when you got it you found out that it wasn't really what you wanted at all? Well I found it... totally by accident... and though I feel better.... somehow it isn't what I wanted at all.

Stay Jazzed.

12/3/99

*sighs* I think that I must have picked the utterly WORST period of my life to choose to write daily in...
I am so busy that now I consider writing in that day to mean if I write on the date itself... or the date of the day I woke up in... :) I will be okay...*sighs*
I am scared...scared scared scared. I don't want to write the words down for fear they may be true.. but I am terrified.. pertrifed and utterly afraid of what my be coming in my life. If I was a praying woman I would pray...and even though I am not.. I still am. *sighs* Okay...back to the story....

---

Where was I?? Oh yes... the inner child/slut/parent. *sighs* I don't really want to talk about that... I don't really want to talk about anything. At least nothing serious...nothing major. I want to talk about something as light and unimportant as a old feather in the rain. BUt everything in my life seems to be weighing me down like...like mud. Think and sucking and... *sighs* I fight with everything taht is in me to stay strong and to pull myself up out of the pit. *sighs* graduation is too too far away...somedays it seems like the only bright spot in my life is Tashi. We are so dainty with each other... trying to feel out each and every thing we want to do before we do it to insure no...upset in the relationship. *sighs* And there I went.. back into something heavy...*blows a kiss up the Mountain* Sleep well my sweet....

Stay Jazzed.

Starting Over Again....

Inner Child: classically defined as that which keeps you young, more commonly defined as that which makes you immature.

I have a inner child, and a inner parent, and sometimes.., just sometimes...they go to war over who will rule me this day.. this time... this month. For a while... for a long while in the beginning of the year.. I killed both of them and brought out the inner slut. * nods* Looking back now.. I have no problem saying that. For a while.. for a long while it was a kinda hurtful thing.. a kinda outer expression of the utter uncertainty and shame that I was feeling because of my utter total and graceful failing that marked my experience at Tech.
I did stupid things... things that were beyond idiotic, and things that while I do not regret.. I thank all that has control and mercy that I escaped from those experiences unscathed. I did things that I will never talk about.. never share.... except for maybe here .... in a private entry. But this isn't about the sex... it is about the woman that I was and the woman that I have begun...once again...to grow into.

A year ago... I was hunting for a job... preparing myself for the 'real' world that I was about to step into. I was scared stiff, with almost no self-confidence, and a low sense of self worth. I was afraid...and depressed...and in denial of both emotions. Yeah... I was a bit of a wreck waiting to happen. but I pushed on... ignoring everything else but the very singular goal of getting employment... getting a place to live... and getting the hell out of dodge. From what I remember that I was feeling... I was mainly ashamed. I felt like a quitter a loser a.. idiotic little girl who had made herself out to be so much better than everyone else... and who had finally taken her long deserved fall. *shakes head * damn... I was seriously stressed.... not only did I fell like I Had let everyone else in my entire life down... from my high school teachers to my mother...I really had no clue as to who I was.. So much of who I was as a person was wrapped up in my academic achievement.. that when that was lost.. I didn't know where to go or who to become.

And the amazing part is that all of this happened on the inside..only those who were very very very close to me (my momma and mi papi) could even tell that something was wrong. *shrugs * I tended to keep everything inside... because I thought that no one would understand me. *smiles * it is beuatiful to see how far I have come... how much I have changed. Man.... I don't know how to write this.. how to express just how radically the same and yet different I am now. Damn.... how do you wrap up a year of growth in a single entry?? in five entries? in a hundred entries? and I don't want to just gloss over the highlights.. because there really were none... only small snowballs that changed the whole face of me.

*laughs * I can't even start to subsume what I was into what I am.. the growth and change was so subtle... that I didn't even notice it until I looked.... damn. Sometimes.... I feel like the inner child & the inner parent have merged together.... smoothing out one of my many personalities into a dainty blending of one whole person.

Stay Jazzed.

Let's Get Som'thin Started....

Curiouser and Curiouser
said the spider to the fly
you see me
and you walk right on by

keep on walking
I ain't talking
to ya
anymore.....

I have noticed over time that my entry titles tend to be songs. OR at least bits of songs that float through my head. I have on of those irritatingly anal retentive minds that can grab a song from most simple phrases. If I have ever heard a song with that bit of something in it..>.*shakes head * I am done...the song is stuck in my head for a while... but anyway.. that isn't really what I wanted to write about today. I have decided that I will write every day this month...going back over the year in review.... Now that I think about it...my anniversary should be coming up... if it hasn't passed by already. Okay.. my anniversary is on the 7th. hmmm.. It's amazing... it certainly doesn't FEEL like I have been here for a year.. but I have..the proof is.. as they say in the writing. Anyway.... this has been an amazingly long year... I have gone through some serious changes.. some ups ands downs.. dear god just thinking about now.. I have seriously LIVED this year if I haven't lived in any other year. Well... I have to come up with a format for these entries... some sort of order... I think I will work from the inside out...starting with me and how I have changed over this year... and moving out.... from feelings to looks to love to....whateva else there may be.... Though some of them might not get on here in time considering I have no clue how I will be getting online from home *sighs * my momma really needs to just break down and get a new computer.

Here goes....

Stay Jazzed

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This is the first day...of the rest of our lives. How long it will last...I don't know...where we will end up...I don't know...but for the love I feel and the hope I hold....I am willing to give it a try.