Boob Tube

It’s amazing the things you learn having a television.

I was never before aware of how ANYTHING and everything dealing with life has been turned into a moneymaker. I am simply astounded by the fact that aging, something that no of us can escape, and that is simply a part of life, has been turned into something to dread and to hold off by any means possible. I mean.. personally, I think that my first gray hair will be something that I am proud of. It will be proof positive that I have LIVED…that I am not just a young innocent thing anymore, that I hold some wisdom and some knowledge that might be worth something. However, if I believed the commercials, I would know that I need to be coloring away any sign of gray, moisturizing away the least indication of wrinkles, and god forbid that I admit that I will reach a point when I no longer have the stamina & energy of the 23 year old I used to be.

And the materialism..oh my god. The simple assumption that you NEED to have as many ‘things’ as possible in order to truly be happy. That if you don’t just run right out and by the latest thingamajig you will simply shrivel up & age away. *laughs* Oh…and of course there are the sixty & a half zillion ways to save time…and what are you supposed to do with all the time you save? Stay at work longer so you can make MORE money to buy more stuff. Ugh. *sighs* I totally thank my mother for keeping me away from this for so long. *shudders* TV is an amazing force…it’s a shame it isn’t used more for the good and less for the money. And it isn’t really the SHOWS that are the bad things…it’s the commercials.

Give me good music any day.

Stay Jazzed.

But, this....is Priceless

Ever seen those lovely little Mastercard ads, where they add up the price of some exotic trip, and then conclude that something about the trip is really priceless? Hmm…each time I see those commercials, I notice that what they are claiming to be priceless, often has very little to do with the whole trip. : ) Usually, what they are in essence talking about is a connection between two people, some sort of discovery about the person, or the couple, or the group. Connections between humans…face to face…intimately, but not sexually. Something that it seems like there is less & less & less of now a days… real human connections, *sighs* anyhoww……I want to make a list of things that I consider to be priceless, or the things that when they happen… I will consider to be priceless.

I remember when I first saw Star Trek: Insurrection (which really wasn’t THAT good of a movie), and there was a scene where girly girl showed him just how to freeze time. How to hold a moment so still that you felt like you were living in that moment and in that moment alone. *sighs* That is the kind of priceless moment I want to remember, the ones you want to freeze and treasure forever. Anyhow… on to the list…

1. The first time I hold my newborn child
1a: Almost everything having to do with the conception and birth of a child I am ready for.
2. The moment I get married…not the wedding & the I do part, but the moment that I realize that I am bound to this person for life & for death, in love and in anger, and I am completely and utterly overjoyed by the fact.
3. The first time I see the Egyptian pyramids.
4. The first time…hell possibly every time I see the sun set & rise over the ocean on the same day.

Hm. I can’t think of anything else…maybe the most valuable priceless moments are the ones you don’t see coming. hm.

Stay Jazzed

Once Again

I wrote this years ago, for the young man who I gave my virginity to. *laughs* He was an amazing young man. He had so much vitality, so much intelligence, and so little urge to use it. I loved him so much, and it was more than just that ‘the first man you have sex with kinda love” , but I realized that he just wasn’t with me in so many different ways, and that me trying to force me into catching up, or even changing his ways a little would do neither of us any good. He had to change on his own, because he wanted to. When I wrote this I was alllll up into Nikki Giovanni and Nzotake Shange, so that is where the slightly odd spelling came from.

Somehow…it feels appropriate once again.

12-10-93
I wud light u in2 something beautiful
with the light of learning
but
then i wud light u
u must light yourself
i wud build u in2 a strong/beautiful/proud/noble/black/man
with the strength of my spirit
but
then i wud build u
u must build yourself
i wud show u the world
make u open your eyes
and your mind
but
then i wud force you
to open and see
u must see for yourself
i luv u
but
u must
light/build/open/grow/develop
yourself
and then
u will be worthy of me
bright/strong/proud/noble/black/woman

Stay Jazzed

Concluding Notes

So, I can think about things a lot more level headed, a lot more open minded than I have been able to at any point before now. First it was because the shock and hurt at what had happened was just so great think I simply couldn’t think straight. and then, my period hit, and I am the most unbalanced, weepy, melodramatic person in the world then… so anything that I would have said or thought would have been totally *thinks* inaccurate , and subject to change. So now, I have three things to do.…
1) Decide how I feel about the situation as it occurred
2) Decide what sort of relationship I can pursue in the future
3) Be sure that he is interested in the same sort of thing
4) Execute my plans…

Well…. part one I have handled. *sighs* How I feel about it? At this point, I am still hurt, still intensely disappointed, mainly because I had let so much of myself out, and I had become so wrapped up in this one person that the awareness that he wasn’t totally wrapped up in me too hurts. Basically, at this point I am jealous as hell. *shrugs* As much as I have prided myself on not being a jealous woman, *shrugs* I am. As far as how If eel about him… *shakes head* he needs to grow up. I still think that we need to try being together *sighs* but that now is just not the right time. He has so much more that he needs to do with his life, on his own. And I know that being the semi-aggressive, bossy woman that I am, a lot of it would have been my own nagging and pushing and prodding and poking that would have pushed him into doing what he needs to do.

That kinda segues into the next part, what sort of future relationship I am willing to pursue. Right now, nothing more than friends. Simply put, I know I can’t deal with more, and I don’t think that it would be fair to ask anymore of him then that he grows and develops as he needs to. However, at a later date in time, when we are both more mature and prepared… *smiles* I still think that we can make lovely music together.

Does he agree? I have no clue… I haven’t had a chance to really sit down and talk to him about it. Considering I have just gotten my head together, I haven’t been able to grab him for the amount of time that is needed Will he agree? I don’t know…. if he does agree that we can/should try again later, I will be happy. If he doesn’t… *sighs* ah well, I will just have to accept that some things you only get one chance at.

So.. next comes the execution. *sighs* talking about it. Ugh. I hate talking about emotions…*shrugs* one of my downfalls I guess.

Any way… I have majorly serious money problems. *sighs* I am going to have to ask my mother for some money… perhaps even the use of one of her credit cards, and I REALLLY hate that. Mainly because I should have known better, and secondly because I just hate asking her for anything. Mind you, the card is more or less mine, and I have to pay the thing off anyway.. but it is just the fact of asking her for it. *siiiiggghhhhs* I really want to be grown up & on my own and I keep doing dumb stuff that I should avoid. Ugh. I really thought I had it all covered, and now this. *siiiigggghhhs* Oh well, another healthy helping of the humble pie coming up.

anything else? I have starting writing on a daily basis, or I guess I should say a nightly basis. Nothing major…in fact it is a lot more casual than what I write in here. As I was ‘prepacking’ I uncovered a journal that I bought ages ago… one that basically asks you through a series of questions to recount the high & low points of your day, along with a page to just write whatever. I have been writing in it every night for a bit, and it is nice.

I still have problems going to sleep every night…but *shrugs* I don’t know….maybe I am getting TOO much sleep.. even though I still feel tired all the time. *shrugs* *sighs* If I didn’t know better I would think I was pregnant again. But anyway, writing in there gives me a chance to settle my mind and clear my head so that as I lay my head down.. I can go to sleep. It hasn’t been working very well though. *sighs* Even the heat isn’t helping me go to sleep, which is usually my best sleep aid. *sighs* Oh well.

Stay Jazzed.

Brain Fart (1)

Just a random note.

Suddenly I understand that damn Deborah Cox song "We Can't Be Friends". It doesn't make it any less depressing and sad of a song, but at least I understand how something like that can happen.

Jazzy

Oh My Goddess!!!

I found this delightful little quiz that finds the Goddess in you. I took it, and these were my results. How….interesting.
If you want to take the test, the webiste is:
http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/articles/0,4097,77655~126,00.html
Cut & paste and enjoy. If you take it..leave me a note so I can come and see your results...


You scored 33% Aphrodite
If you are ruled mostly by Aphrodite, your femininity and passionate spirit are the controlling forces in your life. You tend to be charismatic and self-assured, comfortable with your body and unrestrained sexually. Men are drawn to you like bees to flowers, which satisfies your erotic nature. However, you tend not to form permanent attachments with lovers because you value your sexual freedom, which may leave you feeling lonely and even depleted once a relationship ends. To find and form a more lasting relationship, you need to add more of the goddess Hera to your life.

You scored 25% Persephone
If you exemplify the qualities of Persephone, you have most likely experienced great loss in your life -- the loss of your health or your emotional or physical security, the betrayal of a friend or lover, the loss of a child, your own divorce or that of your parents. This experience has forced you to face the dark, unenlightened side of yourself (the side that blames other people or circumstances for your own suffering) and transform yourself into a stronger, more independent, more accepting and more loving person. It may have also led you down a spiritual path, and moved you to place great emphasis on inner calm and on close connections with friends. You are capable of embracing, integrating and accepting difficult experiences. Because of that skill, you offer others the gift of empathy -- you know where they are or have been.

You scored 16% Artemis
If you are ruled by Artemis, your independent spirit belongs to no one but yourself. Your body is vibrant, your attitude robust and your manner vigorous and alive. You are driven by physical rather than mental energy. You feel complete without a man in your life and would never compromise your essential nature for a romantic partner. You are skilled at establishing personal boundaries and enter into relationships on your own terms -- in short, you can take care of yourself. This attitude may at times put men off..

You scored 16% Athena
If you are ruled by Athena, you are bright-eyed, shrewd, resourceful and inventive. With friends, you are the wise counselor -- always ready with an empowering message. You are believe strongly that women can accomplish anything men can. No wonder you put so much time into your career. Athena women tend to be ruled by their head, not by their heart. You carefully guard your intimate side, protecting your emotions and vulnerability. If you want to awaken your unexpressed womanliness, you'll have to use the same passion you apply to your intellectual achievements. It's important that you work to integrate your strong masculine side with your feminine side -- bringing together your strength with your vulnerability, your creativity with caring, your intelligence with imagination. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unaffectionate and self-righteous.

You scored 8% Demeter
If you fit the Demeter archetype, you are a nurturer and caretaker. You have a generous heart and enjoy extending your love to others. You are motivated by the most powerful of instincts -- to give life -- and selflessly devote yourself to the life you create. You feel compelled to care for all those around you, even if they are not your own children. In short, you feel the need to be all things to all people and, therefore, your own needs sometimes go unmet. You must learn to say no, and apply Artemis's sense of boundaries and Aphrodite's ability to put herself first. That way, you can give to others from an overflowing rather than a half-full cup.

You scored 0% Hestia
If you embody the qualities of Hestia, you understand the value of having your own sacred place, whether it's an actual room or simply a time of day when you free your mind of busy thoughts and experience peace of mind. There's no doubt this place is at home -- where you feel the most joy. Home is your sanctuary. You are at home with yourself wherever you are, though, and no matter whom you are with. You know that the meaning of your life springs from your spiritual center. This brings you a great sense of security. You do not crave attention or material possessions; you nurture your friends and family with your unconditional love.

You scored 0% Hera
If you possess many of Hera's qualities, you tend to find fulfillment in relationships and look on marriage as a permanent union. In marriage, you feel no sense of frustration or resentment, because you are an equal partner with your spouse. You are confident and have no trouble asserting your authority in and out of the relationships. You seek men who are self-confident and successful, because you are comfortable with the concept that you can be fulfilled through him (and him through you). As long as your partner honors the marriage as much as you do and appreciates you, you will be happy. If he doesn't, you must concentrate on your own growth and discover an identity independent of him.


Staying Divinely Jazzed…

Sometimes, it gets too sweet.

I am gagging
on the sweetness
of a life well lived
the sweet taste of
delicacy
decency
and femininity
turn my stomach into
a writhing mass
of bile.
Forced
I sup
until over full and
utterly sated
on the sugary honey
of silence
modesty and
meekness.
Sugar and spice
and everything nice
has been shoved down my
throat for so long
I yearn for the lemony tartness
of No.
I crave the salty tang of a bold look
I hunger for the bitter taste of a failed attempt
at love or money
I dream of sour independence and stinging honesty
and awake to the candy crusted
falseness
of a life well (and ladylike) lived.


Where that came from I have no clue. I want to be able to do that all the time, to have a line pop into my head and tumble around until I am forced to find other lines that go with it and manage to come up with something as utterly angry as that. The first 3 lines jut popped into my head and they wouldn’t leave me alone. Hmm…. I remember a perfume ad that I saw a while ago, back when I was in high school about the ‘Bijan’ woman. Anyone remember that fragrance? *shrugs* Me and my mother had our first real argument over whether I would remain Muslim over that ad. Humph. I wish I had kept it… that agency knew what they were doing with that one, even though I am sure it offended quite a few Muslim women, and even more Muslim men. Somehow it reminds me of the ad, of the fact that sometimes…the goody two shoes life can suck too.

Any how…back to the lines tumbling around. What do I need to do in order to catch them? Keep myself open to them all the time?? Most of the time when I get the lines I am busy in the midst of doing something else and they either bug me until I stop what I am doing and make me write them down, or I manage to ignore them and they fade away. Hmm. Perhaps the less I ignore them the more of them I will ‘hear’. Rather like life, the more you leave yourself open to, the more you will discover.
Goal for the week: Leave my self open to every word that floats through my mind and create with as many of them as I can…maybe next week I will have full blown stanzas pop into my head, and the week after that who knows? I need to go out and buy a good pen with my next cheque. ( I love that spelling). I hae more than enough journals to write in, and that way I will never have an excuse to not pause and record the words I will dredge up. Hmm. Shoppping trip!

Stay Jazzed.

I'm a Hot Guhrl.....

There is something innately purifying about heat. Heat forces you to strip down to the very basics, to eliminate everything that is not totally needed. And I love it…

I love the feeling of standing in the sun and feeling that one droplet of sweat rolling down your back, the sweat dripping off of your calves. The best kind is dry heat…where the wind blowing against your legs feels like silk fresh from the dryer…so soft and warm that I have to stop walking just so that I can concentrate on the feeling of the wind and my legs. I am happiest when it is between 85-95 degrees and breezy and barely humid. The bright sunny days of the southern summer that promise a thunderstorm every other night and lightening shows on a regular basis. These are my favorite days, when air conditioning is an insult to the season, and ice cold water is TRULY the sweetest thing.

This makes me the odd one out amongst most of my friends, who tend to flee into the air at the least indication that the temperature is going to be over 75 degrees. They look at me as if I am demented when I linger outside in the heat, luxuriating in the sun. *shrugs* What can I say, I was born in the middle of one of the biggest blizzards in recent history, and that was more than enough cold weather for me for the rest of my life. And yet, here I am… about to move in INDIANAPOLIS, which is not, as far as I know, famed for it’s long summers and mild winters. *shivers* I haven’t worn a real winter coat in so long it is scary…since high school maybe? Hmm…and then there is the fact that I tend to have a slightly lower normal body temperature than normal (mine’s tend to hover around 95.9-96.4 degrees rather than the normal 98.9), so I am just more comfy when it is hotter.

Cold hands….warm heart. Right?

Stay Jazzed.

The OTHER Green Eyed Monster

W’Jaizah,

Yeah I know, it has been ages since I have written to you, but right now I don’t know who else to turn to. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I wake up feeling him just fading out of my fingers, I go to sleep wishing his back was turned to me so that I could curl up to it. I pause in the middle of my day, shocked a gain by the sudden realization that he isn’t the huge part of my life that I wanted him to be. I answer men’s inquires to whether or not I have a boyfriend with a no that is so filled with sadness and regret that I wonder they don’t ask if he died. My heart clenches and turns and shakes in denial that what we had is over.

And at the same time I am oddly unwilling to let him know. Why? I feel like if I tell him just how conflicted I am, that will do nothing but add to his already sad state, and I am still clinging too much to being the Protectress to release the role that easily. And, if I do that , I might have to start talking about how I feel about the whole thing. How I feel like maybe she is what he needs, like maybe she fits him better right now. I have never been a jealous woman, but right now I am. I am jealous of every conversation he had with her, I am jealous of every connection they have that I can never share.

I am jealous that she knows what it is to be a survivor. I am jealous that she is a writer and an artist and can share more with him in those subjects than I ever could. I am jealous of the fact that he told her about projects that he has in the planning that I never knew about. I am jealous that he sang to her. I am jealous that they have songs they dedicated to each other. I am jealous that he called her his heart. I am jealous of every long ass late night conversation. I am jealous of the times he listened to her voice fully, while he watched TV as he listened to mine. I am jealous of everything that they share that we did not.

I love him so much that it hurts, and I wonder how long it will last. The fact that I miss him, that I wish that this never happened, the fact that I regret ending things….all that scares me. It isn’t right & it isn’t me & it isn’t fair that I found him to have him take himself away from me. And why can’t I forgive (as I already have) forget (as I doubt I ever will) and move back into his arms? Because it would be a delusion, it would be a fairy tale that can exist only because we are so far apart… both physically & emotionally.

And because he was so unaware, or at least claims to have been so unaware of what he was doing… of the simple wrongness of the fact. If he didn’t know that what he was doing would hurt if I knew, how can I trust him to be aware of other things that will hurt? If he wasn’t aware of the fact that me reading those emails would break my heart, what does he think is wrong? I can’t ask him to break off all of his emotional ties with others. I guess in an odd and twisted way, I am kinda blessed because I don’t have any of those ties left. I don’t love Mitchell that way anymore, and James has been erased out of my heart like he never existed except for me to wish him ill every once in a while. So I don’t have those left over loves that I have to break off with because I have someone in my life. He does…mercy only knows how many. Shall I even get into the reality of the Ramona thing based on this last escapade? No… I don’t want to lead my mind down those twisted paths of maybes and could be’s tonight.

I guess the problem is that for the first time the awareness that I am not all that my man needs has slapped me in the face. And it is such a nasty feeling to be insecure, to be uncertain of whether what you have and what you share is really enough. For once, I have been left behind, supplemented, and I didn’t even know I was lacking. Have I always been missing something, or was I just missing what he needed? And if I am not missing anything, why? Why did he go there?

And I really don’t know what to do with myself. I am not sexually attracted to anyone, but then again I have only really considered Jeremy, and he is slimy in a much more varied and larger number of ways. Asshole. I WANT Chris, with all of his issues, and lies, and evasions, and immaturity, and bullshitting. And at the same time because of all of that, I don’t know if I can handle him. I don’t know if I can deal with wondering what I am missing, with the doubts about myself that will be reflected every time I talk to him. I don’t know if I can handle the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to DO anything about the state that he is in. I don’t know if I will be able to handle having to pry things out of him about his life & his dreams and feeling like the damn Gestapo each time I do it.. and wondering why he won’t just share. I don’t know if I can handle pouring out my life to him, when I won’t know that he is doing the same. I don’t know if I can handle being so far away for so long…and will I be suspicious of every moment that he is not in touch?

All I know right now is that I love him. And no matter how pissed I am, how scared I am, how much I doubt myself & him, and how much I think he needs to grow, all I know is that I love him, and if he called me up and told me he was moving to Indy I would take him back in a heart beat.

Hmm… that brings up something else. Me and my damn conditions. If… IF….we ever got back together we will have to be in the same city. Fuck that long distance shit. IT allows for too much vagueness in a relationship. Damn. Maybe I can’t forgive him for it. I can forgive hi for doing it, but I can’t forgive him for alll the shit he pulled to try to get around it. And I wonder if he ‘admitted’ to doing ‘it’ because he figured that would be the only way to save any relationship between each of us and him.

*sighs* Girl I am SOOO done.

Talk to ya laters….

Jazzy.

The Green Eyed Monster

I don’t think that I am a moody person…much. But occasionally I will have days where I just go from mood to mood for no apparent reason. Most of the time, my moods are directly correlated to either how much money I have, or how much sleep I have gotten. If there ever comes a point in my life when I actually have enough money to cover all of my needs and a few of my wants, and I am well rested, I think that I will be a simply amazingly cheerful and pleasant person.

It is interesting how money colors almost everything I do, and how I look at and judge people. Hm. I can’t ever say that I truly know what poverty is, simply because I have lived as a member of the ‘working’ poor for so long, that the concept of being truly poor to me, is to be homeless. When we were homeless, I was really too young (thank god) and my mother was too skilled in making it seem like some huge adventure for me to really be…aware of what poverty feels like. Now, looming in front of me like the Emerald City is the idea that it may actually be possible for me, in the not too distant future, to not live from paycheck to paycheck. That I might actually be able to pay off all of my bills. That for once, since I left my mothers house, I might not be in debt, that .. oh mercy..

I might be able to start INVESTING...and saving for a HOUSE…and…. *gasps* purchase a CAR. And the feeling is actually kind of scary, because I don’t want to become one of those people who have money, and who are cheap. Every time I tell people that I am going to be broke for at least another 4 or 5 years, they always look at me like I have lost my ever loving mind. However, it makes perfect sense to me. I am not going to be able to go out and just casually spend money like I would want to. And until I can do that…I am going to feel broke. Not as broke as I feel right now *grins* but broke all the same. And the fascinating part is that I am going to ENJOY being broke for once in my life, because I will be able to see the whole debt/income ration decrease. I am going to get an odd sense of pleasure from writing away hundreds of dollars in checks every month. Of course, I will be pleased even more when I can STOP doing that…. *sighs* ah. money.

I have always been more of an ant type than grasshopper. Always saving a little for the cold times…and I cannot understand how people who have huge sums of money ever go broke. In that I guess that I am kind of limited, because I have never really been a huge consumer. But all the same, how can you literally SPEND millions of dollars on…stuff?? Okay change. I can ‘understand’ it logically, but why would you want to?? I would want to live for 10 years on 100,000 dollar a year, rather than one year on a million, and then have to scramble for the next 9 years trying to keep up the lifestyle that million has you accustomed to.

And.. what sort of madness infects people anyway?? Folx who three months ago could barely afford a new pair of shoes, now flying to Italy to get shoes custom made by some one they never heard of a year ago? Why? Is it really all about keeping up with the Jackson’s when you get a certain amount of money? *shakes head* And the line between spending foolishly and spending well is SUCH a thin one. Ah well.

Stay Jazzed.