Hola Indy!!

8/15/00 11:59 pm

Well, I’m here. I simply love my apartment, such a HUGE change from where I was before. I mean I KNOW I can make something truly beautiful out of this place, no problem. I haven’t done anything today (here) just washed the huge amount of dirty clothes I brought with me and pretended to unpack.

Flying first class is simply the most wonderful and jazzy thing. : ) *laughs* I will never be able to look at that little packet of peanuts the same again. Money provides you with so much.

I have been on the phone all night nearly, calling those who are near & dear to me to let them know about the new digs, and to pass out my number, and to share my joy. I almost shy to talk about this place because it seems/feels so damn extravagant it’s scary. Like I skipped a step in the socio-economic ladder. But I WILL make it… and make it will.

While wasting away those two hours in Hartsfield, I bought this book called ‘Hot Relationships’ that supposedly gives you the skinny on how to develop and keep a relationship going. Most of it is amazingly obvious, but she does have some good points, like HOW to argue. Anyhow, as me thinking about relationships usually does, I got to thinking about my ‘men’ and their unreliable trait.

I realize that I am NOT a demanding woman, and honestly, I tend not to ask for much. But when I do ask for something, it is because it is important to me, and for it (whateer it is) to be shuffled aside is a wee bit off-putting. Also, I am a firm believer in the power of no. If I don’t want to, or am unable to do something for someone, I will tell them no, and prefer to be treated the same way. For someone to tell me that they will do something, or (mercy forbid) VOLUNTEER to do something for me should mean that I no longer have to worry about it, because it will get done. Why does it seem like this is so rarely the case? In my next relationships, I am going to keep a tally sheet to see if I am tripping, or if what I feel is what is really going on. It just might be that I remember the times when his word was NOT kept more than I remember the times that it was.

Hm. I think that I will go and get a library card tomorrow, along perhaps with posting this stuff if the library has some decent computers going.

Stay Jazzed.

Adios Atlanta

8/15/00 (in the airport) 5:05 pm

Well, I’m leaving. It still hasn’t quite hit me that I’m leaving. That I won’t return to the tiny ghetto apartment I have made home for the past year and a half. I may never see the ‘vodka bottles’, or turner field, or Spelman again. Maybe it’s because I don’t think I am really leaving. I’m transferring for a bit, to give myself room to grow & change and make some money, but I will be back. This city is more home to me than any other place I have lived in. I have memories here, connections here, acquaintances here that I will never be able to forget. Besides, I LIKE this city dammit!
So for, everything is going well. I got my full security deposit back, so I have plump cushion of funds to work with. I didn’t leave anything in the spotlessly clean house (though I do think I forgot to lock the back door). I have a bottle of white zinfandel in my bag to toast my new beginning, and some incense to smoke the place up with. I’m comfortable, calm & confidant. I might be growing up…finally.
I have big plans, and the only thing that can hold me back, is me.

6: 20 pm

there is a fierce and
tender power
in the first lift of
wings
the moment
when
metal and rubber and
human ingenuity
become a

miraculously airborne wonder.


Indy….here I come.


Stay Jazzed.

8/14/00

Hey Everybody!!!!

The moving folx came a day early, and I feel completely lost. No computer, no TV, no bed, no books. *groans* This is like my own little personal hell. So, I broke down and came to work just to give myself something to do, and to access the web. Mercy, I love computers. Having to pick up my check is really a secondary matter.

Well folx...my plane takes off tommorow at 6:00pm, and I will be computerless until most likely frday(and bookless, and bedless, and TVless *sighs*) so I will talk to you guys later.
Oh yeah...I'm getting excited now. :)

*hugs*


Stay Jazzed

Moving on...

*smiles* all is well, and I am mostly at peace. I’m moving on Monday, flying out of town on Tuesday, and I got my hair done. Mind you, that friend that was supposed to help me out, didn’t, but really…I’m not in the least surprised. In fact….I would have been more surprised if he had actually kept his word. Umph. Is that one of those self-fulfilling prophecy kinda of things? Because I tend to expect men to disappoint me, they do? Or is it because I somehow seek out men who are inherently unreliable? Or is it just that most men are shady, and I haven’t met enough men to have increased my statistical pool to the point where I have a chance of finding one of those rare reliable souls? *sighs* I don’t know, but I am really not stressing it.

Anyhow…all I have to do now is clean up the kitchen, finish packing my clothes, and wait for the moving guys to come. I’m not nervous… I’m not excited, yet. I am one of those people who doesn’t get excited or stressed until the last possible moment. I will most likely get excited and nervous when I am actually about to get on the airplane. And once I get there…well. We shall see when I get there.

Anything else going on in my life? Nah…nothing else new. I’m still lonely, still sleeping way too much, still reading those damn romance novels (though the last few have been written so badly I couldn’t even get through them) , still watching TV and marveling at the commercials. I have been trying to watch music videos, but it seems like none of the music channels really play music videos anymore. They have a schedule that seems to consist of everything BUT music videos.

Anyhow…I have noticed that all the music videos seem to be all about sex, sex and more sex. Even the female performers have more semi naked women in them than anything else. And it doesn’t seem to matter what genre the music is in either. Hm. I have always used music videos to find out what is considered sexiest now. For awhile, all kinds of women were in there. Light, dark, short, tall, plump, skinny, short hair, long hair, braids, perms, naturals, nothing,. But now… the standard of video ho has seemingly returned to it’s lowest level. Tall, skinny, big breasts, long hair, and a lot of times, rather….hmmm.. multiracial shall I say?? I have seen more Asian, Indian, and ‘other’ VH’s in video lately than anything else. *smiles*

Another result of the whole global economy thing?

Umph. I think I am going to go & take a nap now.

Stay Jazzed.

the disconnect

Okay - to start.... I stepped to the other side this evening - just got back and took my shower. FAB-OU-LOUS man - a cop. Is there anything sexier than watching a cop peel out of his uniform? *fans self* I soooo think not - old enough to be my daddy too. Umph. And FIONE. Lord HELP me - so fine. Ate me out like there was no end in sight......then fucked me once - spanked me too - yum. *sigh* Anyhow, I like Sgt. *puurrrr* But - *shrugs* I mean, it was fun and all while I was in the moment - but afterwards - *shrugs* I shed it - the whole experience, the sensations, the pleasure of it - like water off a ducks back. It just *shrugs* it made no MENTAL impact on me.

And I was thinking about that - afterwards, as I went grocery shopping, and as I was taking my shower, and I was thinking about it as I put away the groceries - and I think I've come to a conclusion.

My mind just isn't ENGAGED during sex. I mean - It feels good, and it's exciting, but - *shrugs* it leaves no impression on me. I mean, I can do it, and turn around and look at it and say *shrug* ohh...that was nice. I'm not sure if it's really a physical/emotional disconnect (which it could be, as I've never associated sex/physicalness with love, nad maybe that 'minor' disconnect has spread deeper) or if it's a mental/physical disconnect (which is even more likely, as my brain and my body don't play well together in any area of my life). I don't know why what should be a soul-touching experience is just SHED like a fart. *LOL*

Seriously....that's what it is. A fart. A wet, juicy, front-facing shuddering fart that releases some pressure I might not even have been aware of, and is gone in the wind. Hell, a good massage leaves me feeling better than sex does. Swimming leaves me feeling better than sex does. Lifting WEIGHTS leaves me with a more long lasting feeling of satisfaction and pleasure than sex does - and I'm not talking about your average 'yawn' sex. I'm talking screaming, moaning, shuddering, sweating, multi-orgasmic, leave a wet spot on the SHEETS wet sex.

So - with this awareness, what can I do to 'reform' the connection? I think that my current focus on my own physical fitness/health will help - at least I won't be ignoring the physical side of myself like I have been the last 23 years. What else can I do? I think I should read 'Peace is Every Step' again - it focuses on teaching you to focus on your every action without thinking about the next - it teaches you to just BE in the moment. But - I think that I AM in the moment so...maybe that won't help as much.

*sigh* I just - forget about it. The feeling, the orgasmic potential, all of it. I can't REMEMBER most of my sexual episodes - not cuz I've had so many - which I have - but simply because - *shrugs* it doesn't leave me with much of an aftershock. Let me think - I remember sex with Samson.....I remember ONE particular episode with Jc (my first MMF threesome) ..... I remember my first sexual episode (with a guy and with a girl)..... and I think that's about it. And I've had a HECK of a lot more sex than that. Sheesh.

I think that if I could better remember and more - vividly - remember how GOOD sex is I would be more interested in GETTING more of it. It's rather like never HAVING a sense of hunger AND never remembering how good food is - you'll eat, and enjoy it, but once dinner is done - it not something that you would spotaneously want to do again. *sigh*

Themes and Worries.

This is actually something that I have thought a about a few times….actually more than a few times. If a fire/flood/hurricane/police attack ripped through my apartment and destroyed everything in here, what would I regret most no longer having? Oddly enough, the only thing I would miss having is my writings. All of the scraps of paper that I have poured my heart & mind onto for the past ten years of my life. Everything else I have in my house, money can re-buy. Yeah, I would miss the books, I might cuss about the computer, losing the camera might make me cringe ( I TOTALLY haven’t gotten my money’s worth yet), and I could be minorly pissed about the CD’s, but really, all of those things would pass. The only thing that I own, that I can’t just throw money at to get back and I would REALLLY miss is my writings. I don’t have that many pictures of myself, so that isn’t a major loss.

Hm. I really need to put them all together, maybe burn a CD with all of my work on it, and them stick it in a safe deposit box. Am I going too far? maybe…I’m not sure yet. I know if I ever write a book , or start writing it, I will keep the manuscript somewhere away from my house…just for safekeeping.
Ah. I just finished writing my final for my CG class. That had to be the absolute biggest load of bullshit I have ever written in my entire life. Ah well, all I want is a C. Really.

I think I am going to have to actually go to this stupid school and get my damn money. *sighs* I am really going to get underpaid this pay period. *siigghs* Well, I will at least be able to pay my rent and some bills. The hair thing is still up in the air. *sighs*


Stay Jazzed y’all…..

Life Instructions

*smiles* I grabbed this from someone else's diary, and I thought it was rather wise & nice.


Instructions for life:

Eat a lot of brown rice
Give to people more than they expect and do it with grace
Learn by heart your favorite poem
Do not believe everything you hear, do not spend all you have and do not sleep as much as you would like
When you say "I love you", mean it
When you say "I am sorry" look at the other in the eyes
Keep an engagement of at least six months before getting married
Believe in love at first sight
Do not ever make fun of other peoples dreams
Love deeply and with passion. You may get hurt but it is the only way to live life fully.
In case of disagreements be fair.
Do not offend
Do not judge others by their parents
Speak slowly but think fast
If someone asks you a question you do not want to answer, smile.
Remember that the biggest loves and major successes entail greater risks
Call your mother
Say "bless you" if someone sneezes
When you lose, do not forget the lesson
Remember the three R's: Respect towards yourself, Respect towards others and Responsibility for all your actions
Do not allow a small misunderstanding to damage a big friendship
When you realize you have made a mistake, correct it immediately
Smile when you answer the phone, who calls you will hear it in your voice
Get married with a man/woman that likes conversation. When you are old, your ability to converse will be more important than any other
Spend some time in solitude
Open your arms to change, but do not throw away your values
Remember that silence sometimes is the best answer
Read more books and watch less TV
Live a good and honourable life.
Later on when you will be old and you will remember the past, you will see that you will be able to live it a second time
Trust in your beliefs but lock your car
A loving mood at home is important.
Do everything you can to create a loving, harmonious and relaxed atmosphere
When in disagreement with your loved ones, give importance to the present situation
Do not bring up the past
Read between the lines
Share your friends, it is a way to reach immortality
Be kind with the Earth
Do not ever interrupt one that shows you affection or kindness
Take care of your business
Do not trust a man or a woman that does not close their eyes when you kiss them
Once a year visit a place you have never been before
If you make a lot of money give to help others while you are still alive. This is the best satisfaction that good fortune can give you
Remember that not obtaining what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck
Learn all the rules and then infringe some
Remember that the best relationship is the one in which the love between two people is bigger than the need you have for one another
Judge your success in relation to what you must renounce to obtain it
Love and cook with some abandonment

Stay Jazzed

Mother Love

*sighs* talking to my momma always makes me feel worse and better at the same time. I am already in a funky mood, between money stresses, being lonely as hell, being stood up repeatedly by somebody who I thought was a friend and then reading too damn many black romance novels, too say that my wish list of my life is huge and most definitely in the front of my mind. All of the things that I want, and that I KNOW I am going to get, it is just a matter of taking the time to work through my plans and make it to that point. H

However, patience has never never been my strong point, and I want my life to be better and I want it to be better NOW. *sighs* *deep breath* I think that I will get int o doing yoga too. *sighs* I need to be able to release the desire for material things and live with joy & peace. Like the gospel song says “Count it all Joy” . Some days, even with all the madness that is going on, that has gone on, that will continue to be going on in my life, I will try to count it all as joy. Whether the event itself, what I learned from the event, the repercussions of the event, or just the wisdom that going through it gave me, I will count it as joy. Ugh…..even as I bitch about it, I will try to count it as joy. *sighs*

I hate love stories. *sighs* Especially romance novels. I need to meet more people. Not for love, but just for loving-kindness, like Eunice in Heinlien’s I Shall Fear No Evil . *sighs* The freedom to just be *sighs* myself… easy & free and giving & gentle & happy & easy & loving and.. *sighs* just as huggy and touchy feely and kissy as I want to be WITHOUT it being so damn sexual. *sighs* I know I was a cat in another life, and I am still in my kitten stage. Kittens curl up with any other kitten they can find, and not because they are in heat, but just because they LIKE being with others. I totally understood Brittany & the Love Bed on Big Brother. *sighs* I need a snuggle bunny.
ugh.

Stay Jazzed.

Worry Wart Poems

loving you freely
without any fear
loving you is easy
even tho
you ain't really here
never have i been hurt
by you
you have never caused me tears
all the pain I felt from you
was to prepare me for your
coming here
loving you is easy
child of my flesh
i wait for your coming
and pray you forgive me your death

---

balanced on a wire fine line
between hope & despair
frozen in the stillness
walking over empty air
i dare myself to fly
and see the view from down there

---

Okay...I am stressed stressed stressed. I am like the queen of planning & preplanning and having my plans laid out and cemented in stone. However, due to the fact that my plans hinge on OTHER people doing what the hell they are supposed to be doing, I am mildly stressed. I STILLL don't know when the movers are coming, I am not sure that the 'friend' who is supposed to be hooking me up with braids is really going to pull through, my refund money for my rent for the next two months still hasn't come through, and NOBODY is returning my calls.

*deep breath* And I'm broke. And I keep getting these freakish little flash headaches anytime I move too fast or lift something. What if I have brain clot or something and I will be dead in two days anyway?? Then none of this would really matter would it? And the fact that I am tripping over minute problems in my life would not be able to compare to the regret that I would have that I didn't spend these last few days having FUN. Relaxing, breathing, not being stressed about petty shit. But where is the line between not stressing over stuff and enjoying the minute by minute parts of life, and not stressing and screwing up because there is no plan b, c, or d? *sighs* Okay...really I am not the worrying type, but that is usually because I have everything under control. *sighs*

Anyway...the two poems I posted I found in one of my carry about journals, so I have no clue when I wrote them, except that it had to be some point after Good Friday of this year. The second one I think is a remake of one I wrote years ago on a scrap of a receipt that I found as I was pre-pre-pre-packing. I like the second one much better than the first, mainly because the first one seems a lot more rambly and general than the second, which is short & tight.
The first one could be called an Plea to A lost child, and the second one I want to call humility, because it feels like it's telling me to get off of any highhorse I could ever have conceived my self to be on, and look at the world from a more humble view. Eh...are you allowed to find the symbolism in your own work?

Stay Jazzed.

Knees Together!!

Okay, that article was a lot longer than I thought it was, but I had to grab it and tuck it in here so that I would have a place to come back to it and talk about it. Bits and pieces of the article have been going through my head since I first read it, and there are some things I wanted to touch on.

I have tried this celibacy thing before, in fact right after I broke up with Tasha I had said that I wanted to stay celibate for at least three months. Less than three weeks later, not only was I fucking J.E.H., but I was pregnant. *sighs* What shook me out of that particular spate of celibacy? Mainly because I had no reason for it... it was just something that I was like “Hey….that sounds like fun, I’ll try it” And then J.E.H was in the picture, who was such a hot spot pusher on me, and then of course, the fact that I was trying to be celibate he took as a personal challenge. *sighs* Before that? Nah… I don’t think that I have ever tried it before then, at least not consciously. When I was a virgin, I was never too concerned with staying that way.

Ugh…..I feel like I am talking about this too much, but it is rather important to me. It’s rather scary actually, trying to figure out how me, Hot Pants Harriet, is going to adjust to a life with men & women, that does not include sex. All I know right now is that I’m changing.

Any how….on to the points in the article that I wanted to touch on. The first one is the comment she made about becoming so much more aware of my own biorythms. I notice much clearer how my sexual desire raises and wanes depending on the time of the month. I notice so much more what pleases me, what doesn’t. I get pleasure from just being myself. *smiles* Now *shrugs* I don’t know…I feel like I am becoming more myself.

Stay Jazzed.