Delirium

I have issues. Not major ones, not ones that will ruin my life, but issues all the same. While I know that everyone, no matter their age, race or size has issues, because these issues are mine, they seem so much worse. What brings this up? Well…it often takes me going someplace new to realize just how odd I am. Perhaps it is the time ‘out of the box’ or maybe it is just the fact that HEY! Things really are seen in a new light, but leaving home always seems to bring out the despondent in me. I’m going to go through them one at a time…and maybe in the process of writing them down, I will be able to pull them out.

1) I think we all know that I have some serious size issues. I realized today that you simply cannot be fashionable, according to current trends, if you are anything over a 10, and then you are pushing it. *sighs * I swear, it drives me batty sometimes…okay alllll the damn time. The obvious solution is to lose weight (of course) but that is going to be the subject of a whole nother rant/bitch session.

2) I feel guilty when it comes to spending money. On this trip, I had money to burn. A healthy amount of money to burn in fact. And I just couldn’t spend it. I brought some makeup, and had to convince myself that there was really no need for me to take it back after wards. I want to get myself a nice piece of jewelry, a bracelet. Nothing too extravagant, nothing too over the top…and I just couldn’t get it. I saw some things that I might have wanted, but I didn’t actually look at them because I knew that I would feel dreadful about getting it. Unless it was under 20 bucks, I would feel really bad. I don’t want to be one of those people who because they have lived so long with so little, are almost unable to live on anything but a little. Is this the reason that I can’t seem to buckle down and buy some furniture? And since I don’t even know what a ‘good’ price is, or what real quality looks like… I am trying to go for the cheapest thing that looks good…and I still feel guilty about buying that.

3) I have no personal style. There is nothing really that means or that brings me to mind, even to myself. I make no statement in my life. I say nothing really. I feel like I live everyday in a life without meaning. What is my goal of living? Why do I continue to breathe on a daily basis? What…for what am I here and if I haven’t figured it out yet, will I ever figure it out? Yeah, I’m only 23, but…even so, my life should not be so damn empty.


4) I realize that some of my issues with Chef come from the fact that I feel like I am the target of some huge con game…like I have been targeted for some kind of total mind fuck that will take years to come to fruition. Yeah, maybe I am bringing the past to bear here, but the niggling feeling is still there, and I am just cautious as hell about it all. So far, he has shown me nothing but good…but… I don’t know…Ms. DAG (Doom and Gloom) has to raise her head occasionally otherwise it wouldn’t be my life right??

So, anyhow, I came to all of these epiphanies (remember that word from Boomerang?) while I was wandering around this huge mall, and I got deliriously depressed. I meant there is nothing that will bring you down faster than realizing you are a fat piece of worthless fluff with money and intimacy problems. *rolls eyes * Really… I can’t think of a single thing that could be any more cheerful than that, can you?

And no, so far writing them down hasn’t helped. I brought the laptop with me, so I am sitting in O’Hare (I always thought it was O’Hara…humph) typing away. Hmm…maybe I will invest in a laptop as the power supply on MY computer just got blown the hell out. *sighs * Anyway, writing it all down hasn’t made me feel the LEAST bit better. In fact, it has made me feel a little worse because of the simple fact that I have issues and I am not sure what to do about tem, or if they are even major enough to need something to be done about them. I have talked about finding a therapist before, just to have someone to talk to, but I don’t know if it will be worth the time effort and money. I mean really… therapy? For what? Isn’t the whole idea of therapy to FIX something that is wrong with you? If I just have emotional issues, but there is nothing really WRONG with me, shouldn’t I leave ‘my’ therapist to more worthy fucked-up people?? *laughs* My…isn’t that just the least bit self centered? *sighs* I swear… sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself.

Me and Chef had the most interesting conversation last night…don’t ask me what it was about now, because I really don’t remember (yeah, my mind is going too!) but I know we talked about some emotional issues and all that jazz. *smiles* I am supposed to see him tonight, but unless a wake up from the half somnolent state I am in now… the only thing I am going to be seeing is going to be the inside of my eyelids. Of course, I am tired as hell like this because I have been eating starches & sugars like that was all there was to eat, and I suffer from food coma in a heart beat, but do I stop eating it? Nope? What is wrong with me? Really? It’s like I have a self destruct switch in my head as the second it comes to something that I should not be doing (for my own bodily good) of that switch will flip and turn any common sense that I have right off. However, if I m getting into something that has the least bit of a potential for being emotionally damaging, I will run, fight, scream, lie and steal to get out of that situation. *shakes head* Maybe I need to have a heart attack or not be able to walk or have something seriously damaging happen to my body as things have happened to my heart in order for me to be able to utilize the same ‘burnt child’ switch.

I need a massage really really really bad. MY neck, back and upper shoulders are so tight it feels like I Have my shoulders hunched up around my ears when I really don’t. It’s rather painful and very irritating. And then, to make matters worse, it feels like I have air bubbles all inside of me..like inside of the layers of fat and muscle and stuff. Once again, a very nasty feeling. Yeech… andI have to go to work tommorow. Ah well… before I think of any OTHER horrid stuff that will put me even deeper in the dumps. I’m off. To be posted tommorrow… at my wonderful job.

Stay Jazzed.

*sigh*

Classes suck. They are boring boring boring. And only barely better than work. Besides, I m encouraged to sprnd money...what else can I do for entertainment?

edit & change

Welll…. I am officially a bad girl. *laughs&blushes* I think I will have to change my rules of dating & relationships. Just one minor little baby change…cuz the movin & groovin is the bomb….and I ain’t sporting a ring. *grins* TMI? Nahhhhh not at all. Some things just deserve to be shared.

Interesting. I realized that I have not been checking my OD email, and went there to find a long email that was detailing just how BAD that The Atkins Diet is for people. In refuting this person, I went down a list of things that were going on while I was on the diet, compared to the things that are going on in my life now, and I can’t understand myself. Clearly this diet thing is good for me, it WORKS for me. So why can’t I just think about what I am eating and be more conscious about what goes into my mouth? Lazy? I guess so, but it really isn’t that hard. *sighs* I don’t know what it is…maybe I just don’t care? Ah… what’s the word… ennui…a complete and total amount of who-gives-a-fuckness. *sighs* How do you start caring again??

Speaking of email… I just went and expressed some of my repressed anger over the whole JEH thing by toying with a few of his email accounts. *sighs* That felt good. :) I think I will sign him up for a gay sex line next.. *rubs hands together evilly* Yes it’s petty. Yes it’s immature as hell. Yes is makes me feel DAMN good. Humph. Just call me petty and immature. Besides, hopefully I will run across a email that lists in details just how horrid his life is and I will feel ALLLL better. :)

Along somewhat similar lines, I decided that it was high time I cleaned out my hotmail address book. I have managed to keep this address ever since I started messing around on the net, so it has become somewhat of a permanent home for me. Anyhow… I emailed everyone on my list who I haven’t talked to in long enough for them to have moved, just to see who is cyberspace is still out there. So far I have gotten about 6 bad addresses, and one reply from a wonderful fellow who I had a falling out with over gay folx a while ago (like three years maybe??), but who other than that was a wonderful person.

So in all.. today I have been very communicative. :) And I like it.

In other news… I was browsing through Indy’s weekly paper, and saw an ad requesting egg donors. *YAAYYY* I can do it, I just know I can. The daily hormone shots might suck a bit, but it will be worth it. I just need to get in touch with the people and fill out some forms and hopefully they will accept me. Hm. That is another encouragement to lose weight. A lot of times they will not accept women who are over a certain weight because the hormones might not be able to act as effectively. *sighs* Also in this paper, I saw an ad for those Police Impound Auctions. Hmmm… this might be a way for me to get a car slightly sooner than I thought I would. I mean, I would settle for getting a good car cheap that isn’t EXACTLY what a want a year or even six months early, rather than waiting and getting suck even further into debt. From the looks of it, these auctions are real, but my only question is is there any worthwhile stuff there or is it mostly old junk heaps that nobody wanted anyway?

There were a couple of other interesting thing in the paper too, but I am not THAT money crunched. I worked out a budget, and if all goes well I will be free of my school loans by March, 2003. *sighs* I was hoping to be done with them by the end of 01, but THAT ain’t gonna happen unless I make a lot more money on the side than I am expecting to. *crosses fingers & toes* That WOULD be nice though.


Stay Jazzed.

Weekend Woes and Wonders

Yesterday was an official gloriously pissy day. I was in a nasty mood for most of the day, and insisted that I be by myself and in bed. I ate badly, watched bad TV, and left the house in more of a wreck than it was when I started the weekend. I realized that I haven’t luxuriated in a bad mood in a while. I have been so busy worrying about why I was grumpy, I wasn’t enjoying it. Why was I grumpy? No particular reason, just grumpy.
Saturday however was most of a blast. I went out with a couple of sistas from work, and we went to a step show and just kinda hung out at the Classic. It was a lot of fun…I miss hanging out with women.

Blagh. Don’t have much to talk about today…maybe as the day goes on I will figure out something to blab on about, but for right now…I’m okay.

I got my nails done yesterday, and I have been admiring them since then. They are so shiny and frsh and pink looking. I didn’t put any color on them (as I have been going around for a while au natural) and I really like it. Some slightly more radical people might see a contradiction in me wearing my hair natural and my nails fake…but I just work with what I want and what I know.

10/6/00

Amazing how things happen that seem to reflect on other things that have happened. Me & Chef had a ‘talk’ a few nights ago…and me, being the closed mouthed person that I am didn’t say much. Afterwards, he got up and went into the living room…and I was suddenly thrown back into a memory of something that had happened between T&T during the later days of their marriage. A very similar situation, and Tmale was furious later because Tfemale had not followed him to ask him what was wrong. So, of course I went out to see what was wrong, and he just said he couldn’t sleep. as that was what I had been trying to do for the past hour or so…I said okay and went back to bed. Later, he came in and made a comment that struck kinda hard. He said I was ‘dead-pan’. *sighs* Ugh! And I honestly got scared… I don’t want to lose him, or push him away in any way. So I talked… I spilled…I let my guts hang out and dangle on the floor. And he didn’t hurt me, or step on them, or do anything but listen. And I liked that. Mercy…more and more with each thing that he does, I am liking this man more and more.
Anyhow…I just wanted to make a note of that…OH! And he is good with the money thing too. *smiles*

OH! I think I might be making some friends at work. I met a couple of cool sisters at this luncheon thing...and we are going to a step show tommorrow.

Just dooooownnnn

*sighs* This whole late night thing is getting to be too much for me. The fact that he usually doesn’t get off of work until close to midnight, and then we sit up and talk for hours…it’s wearing a sista down. Not that I am complaining in the least.. because I am not. It is just the simple fact that MAN…my brain is feeling THICK today. But… we had an interesting and worthwhile conversation last night, that rather makes up for my thick brain right now.

*sighs* I realized last night, that I have never had a totally face to face relationship since I left high school. All of my relationships in college were half face to face, half internet. The last relationship I was in was all interenet. This is something totally new to be grown enough to segue into a new way of relating to someone. I can't put things off and talk to him in AIM about it…because that just isn’t how we talk. I know I don’t want to rush anything, and I want to take each step a little bit at a time…but I am so…blank with this. I have no guidelines, no ideas, no…structures to follow. I am going into this totally blind, and it is scaring the shit outta me.

Maybe I need to change the name of my dairy to Men, Money and Poundage. It seems to be all I talk about now. *sighs*

Speaking of which (guess which topic I am going to now) I figured out why I went into such a funk when I first went on the diet. Carbs provide serotonins, which are basically the feel-good neurotransmitters. The fewer carbs you eat, the fewer additional serotonins that your body has, In other words, you feel like crap. So…that is why when I went home and gorged on all those carbs, I felt like a quarter of a millin bucks. Anyhow.. I have decided that in addition to my usual multivitamins, I am going to start popping St. John’s Wort to ease the pain. :)

I am SOOO tired. I would really prefer taking a nap to eating lunch today. *sighs* Hopefully I will make it.


Stay Jazzed.

10/5/00 Atkins

Okay. This is it. I am GOING to do this and do it RIGHT.
Just a little bit at a time. For the restof this week: No caffiene, no bread, no starchy veggies, no sugar. Some exercise every night.
Having a scale is scary.

A Deadly Weapon

Amendment II (1791)
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

I may be a liberal, bleeding heart sap who wants the government to interfere with every aspect of a citizens day-to-day life (note the sarcasm please), but for the life of me I do not see how the Second Amendment grants the citizens of the United States the right to own and use guns.

“It’s right there! Clear as DAY!”, members of the NRA may claim. “Don’t you see it? : The right to bear ARMS!”

Well, yes. I DO see that. But my gap in understanding comes from seeing where arms translates to guns. That…my liberal brain just can’t wrap around. But…if arms are a synonym for guns, I would expect to find that in the dictionary…right?

I’ll start with the Cambridge International Dictionary…
Arms: weapons and equipment used to kill and injure people.
Hm. No mention of guns there.

Let’s try good old Webster’s…
Arms: Weapons of offense, or armor for defense and protection of the body
Nope…no guns there either.

Let’s go to Cambridge’s Dictionary of AMERICAN English. That should help…
Arms: to provide (yourself or others) with a weapon or weapons
WOW! Still no mention of guns. How…interesting.
So, according to standard dictionaries, the idea of arms = guns is a false one.

Now… I talked about this before, and I got a note that said something along the lines of “I’ll give up my gun when you give up your right to free speech”. I have already given up PART of my right to free speech. How so, you ask? Simple. It’s called slander and libel. If all speech was truly FREE, I would be able to say anything about anybody, whenever and in whatever forum I pleased, and the government couldn’t do a thing about it. Free Speech you know. Why is that ‘type’ of free speech prohibited? To protect American citizens. Speech is a many faceted thing, and it has been expanded to mean much more than just an utterance of the tongue.
In the same manner, arms are a many faceted thing, and it includes much more than just guns. I won’t insult anyone’s intelligence (this time) by listing all of the objects that are arms according to the above list. In fact, according to the above list, there are very few things that are NOT arms. So why I ask, cannot guns be eliminated from the list of legal arms that the Second Amendment has given me the right to bear, just as slander and libel have been eliminated from the types of speech that are free for me to utter?

Obviously, the amending of an amendment is something that has occurred before, usually after a long drawn out legal battle. But there is an amendment that has been amended repeatedly, without the benefit of a battle, or even a court decision. Which one you ask? Take a look at this:

Amendment VIII (1791)
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

How has this been amended? By the simple march of time and reasonability. In 1890 charging someone a quarter of a million dollars in bail would be considered excessive in the utmost. Now, it is a common bail to be charged for high profile cases where there is a chance of flight. Why? Because times have changed, and so the Constitution must change in order to remain a living document. In the same way, in regard to guns, times have changed. In the 1800’s guns were a necessity of life. To feed your family, to guard your home, to defend yourself. In the 2000’s in most areas (warning! Generalities to follow) you do not HAVE to hunt to feed your family. You do not HAVE to patrol your land to scare off the Indians the land was stolen from. You don’t HAVE to have a gun to defend yourself. In a time when almost every time the news is turned on, there is another child killed by a gun, another madman who snapped and killed tens of people for no reason, it seems that in order to continue to protect its citizens, the United States needs to take a firmer stance on guns.

I’m not a lawyer. I am not a judge. Hell, I have only been able to legally vote for five years. But there are some paths of logic that seem almost too obvious to be denied, to clear to be fogged by fancy words and demands of ‘freedom’. I welcome any holes that can be poked into this path of logic. I welcome any ideas that can be brought up to refute the wisdom of these thoughts. Of course, one obvious hole is “How can it be done? The government hasn’t been able to truly prevent any other illegal substance from entering the country, what makes guns any different?” or this one “If guns are outlawed, then the only people who will have them are the criminals.” Honestly, I don’t know. But I would hope that for the sake of our citizens, and for the protection of this country, somebody comes up with an answer that will usher in a time where the concept of a bullet wound is as foreign to our children as the concept of a 200.00 bail for a mass murderer is foreign to their parents.

Stay Jazzed.

P.S. Or maybe we should keep guns legal, and just ban bullets.

Short Talk

Proud of myself I am...I sent off the application for school so I can get this last class and finally, truly be a graduate, AND I enrolled myself in a bartending course. 500 bucks for a two week course, but I figure it will be worth every penny. I am looking at it as an investment, and I know I will be able to make the money back in no time.

Hm. Work is...boring. I have never done so much of so little in all my days. Humph. Maybe I'm just not a self starter. And of course the fact that every time I try to do something, I find that I don’t have all the access that I need really doesn’t help matters out any either.

Chef & I are aiight. I have stopped predicting doom, and now I am just waiting for the blow to strike. It’s odd…I don’t expect him to turn out to be some dreadful mean evil man anymore, I just expect something to happen that will strain him to the breaking point. Or me. *siiiiiiiighs*
Nothing interesting to write about… at least nothing that I am willing to turn into solid matters of the mind by putting them down on paper. Maybe after lunch.

Stay Jazzed.

10/2/00 Atkins

*moan* There is clearly something wrong with me. I have no will power, and little self control. I am considering upping my exercise and continuing to eat what I want.
*flings herself back on the bandwagon*