Coming Out of The Box

I read an article not too long ago about how some fundamentalists types were accusing some large universities (oh how I WISH I had remembered more details) of concealing rampant lesbianism in their Women's Studies departments. They went as far to say that the school should be honest and call them Lesbian Studies so that girls would not be drawn to the department under false pretences. This has been floating in the underbelly of my mind for a while... and it wasn't until I started really READING about the history of my college (an all women's school) that the reason for its continual floating in my mind.

One) Okay... yeah... sometimes the Women's Studies Department does have slightly more gay/bi women in it than most other departments. It is a matter of going where you heart leads you. But at the same time... there are more straight folx out there than gay ones ANYWAY.... * rolls eyes * so that is kind of a moot point.

The next thing that intrigues me was something very simple.... but frightening at the same time... The fundamentalist assumed that because it was Women's Studies...most of the women interested would be gay ones. They believed somehow... that the determination of real woman hood is only in relation to manhood. And while I can in my logical mind understand that concept of polarities. (man/woman dark/bright young/old), the intuitive portion of me recoils from it. Why...are we defined in terms of what the other lacks? Why... in order for me to be considered a 'real' woman.... I must shun all of those things that have been classified as 'manly'? Why ... in order to be a real 'man' he has to shun those things that are classified as 'womanly'?? Why is there such a chasm.. a gap between what is and is not... it seems that it would make...so much.... simpler if we viewed ourselves as PEOPLE/humans foremost.. and then as man/woman next... to further separate ourselves. * sighs * Just like the black/white divide.

And I think the reason that it was floating on my mind even more is because I am SICK SICK SICK and tired of being boxed.. categorized.. and expected to make a single choice from a million and one options. *sighs * I am trying to escape out of this tiny box called black bisexual womanhood into a mental, emotional and physical state called Jazzybelle. I am TIRED of being limited in what I can do by fears of what I will be called and considered. I am TIRED of busting my hump to fit into some mold that pinches and prods and gets tighter by every day. Dammit I want to be ME so bad I can taste it in my very bones.... and yet sometimes... I wonder if one woman can ever hope to escape from centuries of societal pressure....and still be sane.


Stay Jazzed.

Runaway Heart-umm I mean fingers

holding my hands between your thighs
your heat
makes me drift
into a funk of
passionate entanglings
and brazen bliss
wild river woman
changing like the tides
taking my heart
my mind
my soul
on an impossible lovers ride
like cool spring rain
falling over me
you take me
and turn me
and burn me
until I am simply
a tower of flame
you are my hearts guiding light
sweet summer water woman
with the aura of
love
passion
and pain
can I be yours
tomorrow….
and today?

---

So...what is a woman to do when she thinks she is falling in love with another woman? who happens to be married? *smiles* I don't know what I can do.. this whole episode.. this whole relationship thing has me off kilter. and since it is so out of the norm (the trio version of a relationship) who can I talk to? My straight friends wouldn't understand me falling for a woman... the gay ones would have issues with the fact that she is married... to a man no less... so I sit here and write bad poetry and wonder if I will ever get up the nerve to say I love you... even in a joking way...cuz I have been scared from the start... afraid of where loving a woman might take me...and I don't think I want to know where really loving a woman will lead.
The only problem is.. somedays that seems to be all I can think about... my T**** as I call her...I get jealous of her husband...cuz he wakes up to her everyday. Yeah... ain't nothing all sweet...and I have enough issues to keep me out of a relationship for years to come... but still.... falling for her is the sweetest thing I have done in so long... and my life is almost stable sometimes and...and I just don't know what to do with my self.. or her.

So I sit here...and talk to her.. and wish for someone else to come and sweep me out of her life and out of this thing that will have to end in misery... cuz there is no sunny way out. And I have no interest in forming nay new relationships with a man...*shrugs* I have been spoiled my a passion that is so much like my own that I can no longer see fighting to form the bonds and limits of love with someone whose idea of passion is a kiss in the morning and a good f****** every night.
And I am fighting to find a man who doesn’t relate to me on a level of passion before he peeps into my heart...yeah I am fighting to find a woman like that too...but we are so different. *sighs* With some men... most men who are attracted to a woman... the thought of sex is a barely concealed ideal..hidden only by societies and the 'good' girls demand that sex isn't what she is all about.
Am I babbling??? am I racing on and on?? yeah maybe but I have to get all of this off of my heart & out of my head before I turn to do some real work...sometimes the only time I ain't wondering what I am going to do with myself and my wayward heart is when I am programming... and that is only cuz I have to devote my entire mind to what I am writing...computers are anal about precision...


whoooo that was a trip... i guess when the urge is on all you can do is write...and write and write. Hold me tight and neva let me go...cuz I don't know where I would be without you....

Stay Jazzed.

Into the Looking Glass

She walks in darkness like the night
of cloudless climes
and starry skies
and all that is best
of dark and bright
meet in her aspect & her eyes


That little piece of poetry drifts through my head sometimes, and it bugs me that I don’t know who wrote it…but that was just a starting point for something else….somewhere else.
I have a confession to make. I am a lurker…. I drift through diaries… through peoples lives on here and never leave any trace of my passing.. .like mist like clouds like the spider web you feel but never see…I interact with almost 30 people on the OD and they are not aware of it… I miss people and I hope that some folx get there relationships together and that others love harder and some love less. I hope that some get a job.. and that others start writing and that some figure out what they want… I hope that many heal…. and that others become aware that they need healing. and I don’t leave notes cuz I don’t know what to say.. how can I compress all that I am thinking into 250 characters? How can I compose my verbose words of hope & love and concern & sympathy into something that fits & doesn’t sound trite or empty? How do I pull that off.. and still remain true to the sprit that I came into this diary with of a place of intensely personal introspection? *shrugs* I haven’t figured it out yet… and sometimes I wonder if I like having this really personal space that people have to stumble onto t to find me…. never feeling a need to demonstrate or show off or write on a daily basis… or even respond t o notes because this is mine….and then people vanish and I feel a loss and a lack and somehow I Wish I had someone to share that lack with… in the same way that sometimes I Wish I had someone to share the joy that other diarists on here go through with…. and I wonder.. how can I hide in my own world… and still be a part of theirs?
Anyhow….enough introspection for right now. *lauhgs8 I don’t know..so much & so little at the same time is going on in my life.. I feel like the eye of a hurricane sometimes… standing still amongst utter chaos..
Annyhhoooowwww…. I just had to vent about that…. and I think I might start forcing myself to do note runs… just go through my favorites and scatter notes….on whatever touches me…. maybe I will be come a better more open person.. : ) maybe I Will just become more connected to a whole nother community…. ah well… until I write again…

Stay Jazzed…..

Baby Love

I'm tired. And lonely. and need love. and am too busy to even SEE the folx that are here who love me. and I want something more than most of them can give. I want more than I am prepared to handle. *sighs* And I don't want to fall for anyone who offers me love because then I may not be happy with the rest of the package that comes with it. and I am to tired to hold out.. when the mind works overtime it frees up too much control over the heart. and that I don't have the time or the energy for.

---

I float away
lost on the dirfts of your love
filled with the thoughts of your arms
wrapped around my sleeping body
I settle down
belly curved and fulll
with the memories
and reminder of our love
warm with the feel
of my arms wrapped around
our child
I cry
with the joy of loving you
and holding her
and turning a corner
into a new life
that is all love.

---

but I guess this is part of the challenge that is my life...learning how to do without that which seems sometimes to be all that I need. annnyhow.... I am off. To study and the like. *sighs* goodnight.....

Stay Jazzed...

Bland as a raw Egg

It's been entirely too long since I have written, mainly because I have been so busy... and because I no longer seem to have anything to write about.
School has narrowed my life into some very boring channels...everything that I do is now focused on either passing or making money or combining the two somehow. My minute social life does still exist, and I have to thank my friends who have been keeping me fed & warm for the past few weeks.. but there no longer seems to be any depth to what I do. I eat (sometimes) sleep, go to class, go to work, study, do homework, sleep, and repeat the cycle with various time spans. I have even started TALKING like my major... using jargon in ways that it really should never be used. *sighs * I MISS being in the real world, and I am even more confused by these people who say.. " Oh I want to stay in school... I don't want to get a job and be in the 'real world'" *shrugs * Maybe it is just the fact that I WAS out there, and I had a job, and I paid my bills, and I had fun... alot more fun than I am having now....and now that I am BACK in school.. I STILL have to deal with the same issues. I still have to pay rent, and eat, and try to pay my credit card bills..and ALL of the same bull I was doing before.... except now I have one job that has 10-12 hour long days, plus take home work...and doesn't PAY!

okayy...end bitter rant

But it is kinda scary.. I have nothing to write about.... I mean.. *sighs * I'm not DOING anything...or even considering doing anything...creative & or interesting.... my life has become small and boring again..... I suppose this means that I have to start forcing myself to write. Stories have been popping up in my mind every once in a while... and some of my dreams have been works of art...so I guess that shall be my goal.. my adventure... to write my fiction/dreams and keep the creative juices juicy. Ah well.... until a story pops up....

Stay Jazzed

The World goes round and round and round and round

I have finally figured something out…well maybe not figured it out.. but grown to a point where I can put it into words. Life…is all about choices. *nods* okay.. yeah that may be obvious as hell.. but I mean that in a deeper way. I mean it… mainly dealing with my world. Not my life as I live it per se, but the world that I move through. I have a choice to make, and I have been making one choice without even realizing that the other option was available.

In my world.. I have a choice, I can either decide to move within a very enclosed circle, only touching those who I have deemed worthy of approach…. OR I can leave myself open to everyone, opting to touch & be touched by those who I would normally not even CONSIDER worthy… much less allow to approach.
The one approach (the one I am currently taking) would keep me safe, allowing me to closely monitor and define who and what I dealt with on a daily basis. The second approach (the one I am considering) would open me so much to much more… hurt & anger & incivility…but I would learn on a daily basis…and what I would learn would be totally outside of my normal sphere of life. And by choosing to be open to life & to the world as a whole….I might meet some folx who will be what I need…even though they are not what I want. I will be able to increase my patience (which tends to be very very thin) perhaps touch up on my sympathetic side….and discover & explore so much more. *sighs* Maybe……..

---

Okay…. that is all of the deep & insightful stuff I have for today…. and it still isn’t finished.. but that is all that felt like coming out today….. Let’s see.. what has been going on in my life lately? School is kicking my tail….. making me really remember what hard work is all about…I miss Nee…and my friends who came down for Labor Day…. such wonderfully wonderful people : ) My tongue ring is healing very nicely….while I still have to be careful of how I chew… it works rather nicely. : ) I have been trying to figure out how my mother will react to it… but I will crosss that bridge when it comes. I have been spending entirely too much time with JEH lately… and *sighs* I don’t know. We have a very .. odd relationship. and that is where I will leave that discussion. I have my books for school ( Thanks Mom!) but the Finance commision is still screwing with my PLUS loan…. and many many many bills are rapidly approaching that due date and god only knows WHEN I will get paid. *sucks in breath* okay… ; ) but I have food in the house..and the phone and the light are still on and my rent is paid so… I am okay.. really.
My house needs to be cleaned and I need to run to the corner store and I reallly really need to get started on some of this homework….

Stay Jazzed.

Of a Chicken and It's Head

Okay.. so I'm tired. Grumpy. Hating most of humankind right now. And so...into it all it is amazing.

My labor Day weekend was lovely... I had two old friends and one new friend staying in my place for Black Pride and we ran the streets every night. The only thing that I regretted was the fact that there was not more of a mixed scene. The women had their own parties and the men had theirs. So I was living in a happy little gay world for a while. Then Monday... I was on the train..having spent and absolutely lovely day hanging out with JEH.. and I hear the comments start.... there are two obviously gay & in love Black men sitting in front of us.. and when they get off the comments.. nasty hateful cutting comments start.

My whole little happy bubble of peace and contentment crashed in hard & sudden. I felt so furious & so sad & so helpless all at once. I just left the company of men who were better then those who threw the comments.. so much so that it would put them to shame.. yet since they fuck women they are considered some sort of superior being.
I wanted to cry.
I have never felt so...so hopeless. How...why do people hate so much? It goes beyond the human thing of fearing what you don't understand...it goes beyond a social thing of thinking that it is immoral.. it goes into a whole nother level... a entirely different realm of the blackness of the human heart.
I wanted to scream.
How DARE they say such things? What gave them the right? And why...why did those two brothers have to walk out of the train hearing those words in thier ears... keeping THAT as the last memory they had of this city? How can people be so cruel...to those that they don't even know?
And...worst of all I felt ashamed.
Shamed because I kept silent...shamed because my heart wept and I could do nothing. Shamed because I was so secure in my appereance of hetrosexuality that I would be approved...even tho I love just as they do. And I wondered...as I looked around the crowded train... how many other hearts were weeping in the silence... where all we could hear echoing in our ears was

North Avenue Station. Where all the faggots and the sisses and the girly boys get off to fuck each other and fuck up the world. Man I HATE them bitches. I wish they would all die.. I wish they all had AIDS. I wish one of them would look at me so I could beat his punk ass down


I'm running around
like a chicken with no head
I have gone beyond
being a chicken head
to something far more rare
and far harder to see
a woman
who wants
the world to be
like me.

Stay Jazzed.

I sing a song....

Yesterday, I finally made it to the mall & used my HMV gift certificate to get Macy Gray & Meshell Ndegechello’s CD’s. Now… I’m listening to Meshell and… *thinks* her CD is so private. I feel like I am looking in on someone’s prayers and dreams. Her voice, soft & husky sucks you into the songs...and the slow guitar & harps in the background bring you down to a state of almost somnolent peace. She sings like she is casting her heart out into the world… she sings you down into peace and pulls you right back out into her pain. She sings about love and pain and hate and grace and bitterness and changes it all back around so that she is singing about you and her and praying that you both become whole.

She sings me
Into a prayer
Into a personal space
That opens to the world
She drifts
Into the memories
Of her own love
And I follow
Hopelessly
Entangled in the web
Of her honey voice
And diamond sharp tongue

So…I have been listening to this CD almost since I got it…tho I did slide in Janet’s Design of a Decade to clean. *sighs* I got almost the whole house done last night… I just have to clean the kitchen and organize my junky closet back into a semblance of decency and I will be done. I will most likely wash clothes tomorrow after I get in from class. Then my entire house will be clean. Although I am short on cash (I can pay the rent…but food might get a little tight) and I have to buy a book for ONE class that costs 108.00.. I am going to go to the dollar store and buy some candles for myself. I need to get some more incense too…but I am not sure where I can find that at. *sighs* I will NOT worry about the money…although I do need my books kinda badly. *thinks* I need to see how much I have left on my credit card. I might be able to get one book with that…
I love the internet… I have found ALL of my books for 260. All four of them. : ) *sighs* Now all I have to do is convince my mother to put them on her card and I will pay her back later…


Stay Jazzed.

Dust Bunnies of The Heart

*sighs & stretches* Well… a bit of empirical evidence and I think I have made my decision.
I had sex with JEH last night… and it had to be the … *thinks* strangest thing imaginable. I… *shakes head* I am a very open & out going & *thinks* totally free person…but for the first time ever...having sex made me feel… dirty. Within myself… without anyone else’s opinions or thought affecting that balance. I hated it…. without a doubt.. without a side note.. without a second thought…. *sighs* I ain’t sure why I feel this way.. and I’m not even sure if it matters. I just do… and it isn’t even the fact that I didn’t remain celibate (which is PROMPTLY back on track).. it was just the feeling that there was something so wrong in something that once was so right…..

This is starting to scare me… *sighs* I mean…. I don’t know… It is like something within me is changing and I don’t even know what it is.. all I know is that this change is heading onward whether I understand it or not. It feels like….rebirth….and somehow it will all eventually make sense.

I know that all day… well at least the part of the day when I wasn’t out and about and doing stuff.. when I had quiet time I just felt.. unclean… like I needed to scrub my soul out. *sighs* I don’t know… I feel so uncentered and so… unright. *sighs* I feel like apologizing to myself for doing it… for letting him convince me to do something that I wasn’t really wanting to do.. I feel like I need to beg forgiveness of my spirit…and I need to build myself back up…from a point that I had reached without even being aware I was approaching it…

Anyhow… today was the first day of classes. *sighs* I think this semester will be hard as hell….but fun. somehow I feel like a freshman again… when everything was new and incredible and amazing somehow… and all I wanted to do was learn. I have to pick up some other skills as well.. (classes that I SHOULD have taken but haven’t) and I think that … with a LOT of hard work...and some guidance, and some peer support and some determination I will make it through. I don’t see myself graduating in May 2000 tho…because that would require me taking almost 25 hours next semester and THAT particular scenario of madness ain’t happening.
Hmm…. what else? I have been seeing A LOT of folx from school in the last few days.. folx who have actually been in the city but who I simply haven’t seen… it is kinda cool…I know more people than I thought I did. The money situation is getting kinda tight because the PLUS loan hasn’t come through yet, and I still don’t have a for-certain job pulling a paycheck although I have three of them lined up so far. *sighs* none of them have PERFECT hours… but I will take what I can get.


*sighs* I feel so thoroughly CRAPPY right now. I want to crawl into bed and just melt away. *gags* but instead I think I will turn on some Janet…and clean my house…the physical one at least… I think the mental & spiritual one will take a little more work.

Stay Jazzed.

Style of Sex

I opened MSWord….fully intending to sit down and write a long diatribe on the follies of Internet communication. And then I asked a simple question and started talking about religion...and evolution...and all sorts of delightful things. anyhow…. I decided not to write about that… simply because it doesn’t hold QUITE as true anymore… so..where to now? *sighs* let’s talk about it…. sex that is….

I had quite the weekend this weekend. And last.. which I haven’t talked about just yet… or the repercussions from last weekend.

I guess I will start with last weekend..because that affected this weekend in some ways.. *sighs* I don’t know..

I went to a get together that T&T had…. according to Tfemale… was NOT going to be a sex party…she was.. *laughs* performing an experiment to see if a group of open minded people could get-together withOUT sex occurring. In other words.. could we get together and chill & kick it and be ourselves without somebody having to f***? To put it simply it failed pretty damn badly.. it denigrated into an all out sex party. I wasn’t part of it because I was sick… stomach problems? *raised eyebrow* that may have been my way of getting out of a situation that I was thoroughly uncomfy with. I truly DID not want to f*** any of the people there…. especially the guys.. *yeech* like I said.. I am just not into the whole dude thing.. So I spent the weekend there… the party was on Saturday…and I stayed there over night..and I spent Sunday there too. Now mind you.. me and Tfemale had been.. *thinks* touching each other all during the party.. not DOING anything even remotely hedonistic.. but touching.. on the arms.. on the face.. *sighs* it was… very relaxing and safe feeling for me. Anyhow…. Tmale went out with the remaining couple for breakfast and Tfemale and I chilled around the house… when Tmale got back .. *sighs* he was doing something or another and started having sex with Tfemale…anyhow..somehow I got pulled into it… literally… *laughs* for the longest me & Tfemale were just kissing… that was it. And… *thinks* it felt so good. *laughs* It was almost like a soul kiss… but not.. it was something outside of what I have gone before.. I was like I could have kissed her forever and been simply happy with doing that and only that… but I progressed onto doing more.. and we will draw the curtain over that scene…
fast forward to.. *Thinks* Wednesday I guess… me & Tfemale are talking…and the subject of ‘us’ comes up…. and it was odd..because she was trying to feel out how I felt about her..and I had to be honest.. that if it wasn’t for her husband.. I would want to be in a relationship with her (I think.. we aren’t going to get into my whole relationship thing) ..but once again that male presence would just… warp everything somehow. so..that went through.. and I was kinda… floating for awhile because I think/thought that I do want a girlfriend. I’m not going to go into the differences between being in a relationship with a an and being in a relationship with a woman. anyhow…. fast forward to this weekend. I had promised JEH a massage…. his back hurt for some reason or another… I told him I was going to try to be celibate...and he told me that we were gong to have sex before October. *rolls eyes* anyway. So he came over Saturday night.. I gave him the massage and it was cool… we were laying next to each other..cuz we do still love each other. *shrug* that is how we are…. anyhow.. he tried to go further.. *sighs* and that started the trend.. all weekend basically he was begging me to let him f*** me. and all weekend he was getting the same answer… NO NO & HELL NO. *shrugs* and…. I DID relate to him sexually… we did a lot of kissing and rubbing…. but I would have enjoyed it just as much without it. I like being around him..I like hanging with him..but he always manages to bring sex into it and that warps the whole thing. Once again.. I recognize that it is a matter of changing how we relate to each other..but damn I didn’t think it would be quite so hard.

So that long ass story brings me to now. And now is a question that is looking me dead in my face… assisted by a random snide remark tossed my way by MJW who is gay regarding bisexuality. What do I really want? I mean… as CAK told me…. you can’t be celibate with men and do stuff with Tfemale at the same time…. and he has a perfectly good point. I can’t..but do I even want to? the question that I am asking myself now is simply this… do I want to STOP having sex with men period for a while…. or do I want to stop having sex period? While deciding to only have sex with women would upset a few folx.. *shrugs* They will get over it.. this is my life my heart & my decision to make. I have been.. *thinks* looking over & past & around this question for a while because the implications that would come up are more than I am really ready to handle. I have never really been one to narrowly define anything..but if I choose to start having sex with ONLY women… that will change how I am viewed, and how my sexuality is viewed, by a lot of people.

And I’m not sure….which is the problem…. I love being with women… I love laying with a women… and right now at this point.. I like it more than I do being with man. *shakes head* I can’t explain it..but there is something in women that men (or at least the ones I have been dealing with) are lacking… and it is s something that I simply don’t see existing within them. *shrugs* so here I am…. and I’m wondering if refusing to have sex at ALL is a way of sticking my head in the sand for while….ignoring the problem as a whole.

So.. that is my state of confusion...that is my dilemma and somehow.. by writing it down I haven’t come to a decision…but I feel a whole hell of a lot better. Maybe I will read this tomorrow or Wednesday and it will seems so stupid and inane that I will laugh at myself….or maybe it will make perfect sense then. *shrugs* who knows?

Stay Jazzed.