Returning to...

Ahhh…. I have missed my house so much…. I have missed my COMPUTER so much…. I realize that I am sorely sorely addicted. *shrugs * It isn’t too bad of a thing though, I think it is better than being addicted to the idiot box of a TV. I had to go to the airport after work today to collect my suitcase. The bag that I had taken with me was missing two of it’s wheels, but since I Had been in cars the whole time, I didn’t really notice it..but when I got dropped off at the airport I realized that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to carry that heavy, no– wheeled suitcase home with me on the bus… or even close to home. So I left it there and brought back an even bigger bags (that has all its wheels and is much easier to maneuver) to collect my stuff. I still haven’t unpacked, but that is mainly because I fell asleep almost as soon as I finished eating when I got home. Anyhow, I will have to pack the big bag up again as soon as I unpack it because that will have the stuff I am taking to Indy with me in it.

I am so enthused about moving… I can’t wait to get someplace that will be really mine. I mean this apartment that I am in now is mine, but I always knew in the back of my mind that it was only a stopping place before I went towards bigger and better things. The apartment I am going to find when I am in Indy tho, that IS the bigger and better thing. And since the apartments are so freaking cheap.. I am sure that I will be able to get something verry verry nice. Everything is together… all in one piece and the like. *smiles * I am so thrilled that nothing has happened to my place the entire time that I have lived here.. it is kinda nice. Makes me feel much better about living in the ghetto.

I have decided to write old entries from the days that I was gone in the order that they should be in.… There are some repercussions from the trip that I need to talk about… but I think I will wait until I have told all about the trip. It’s amazing how I can remember each day what I wanted to write about…mainly because I fixed in my head.. hmmm I want to write this in the OD when I get back. The OD has become a storehouse of my memories and my emotions and my feelings…. Some place that I can go back to later and look at and say yeah.. that is what was going through my head then… have I grown in understanding of it? And then of course there is the wonderful feedback from all the people out here…. *smiles * Blessings heaped upon blessings and then some….

Stay Jazzed.

I'm bacccckkk

*big ole smile*
HEYYYYYY OD Peoples??? I'm back, and can I just say that life is really realy funny? I have had the BEST time over the past week..with hardly any downs and a whole lotta ups.. I have SO much to catch up on that it is scary.. and so much to write about that it is amazing... but I'mma work on all that later.
I am sorry to say that I DID very little writing while I was gone (bad bad girl) but that was mainly because someone STOLE my favorite pen and I am very anal about having the right kind of instrument to work with when I am writing by hand. Once again... another reason that I need a LAPTOP. Be back laters....


Stay Jazzed.

The Day of the Dead

A day of fun in the sun, picnics, barbecues and the first official day of summer. The day that the USA is supposed to honor those who have fallen in the many useless and wasteful battles that have been held over money, oil, and the ‘democratic’ principle. A day that the ‘children’ in DC strut out and about and show their pride in who they are, unashamedly and fully. *smiles* Isn’t it odd that they are the one group who is almost forbidden from dying in a war, but who can be killed randomly on the street?

We didn’t do much today…I met L’s sister C.. : ) cool girl… and we went out and watched the children… prayed that it wouldn’t rain… saw a wonderfully good movie called the Croupier (only showing in ONE theater in DC … you gotta love the artsty movies), went back to L’s house…watched him cook for me, and read my love cards.

I don’t know if I have ever talked about these cards (I haven’t been in much of a state to need to use them), but they are a deck of cards called ’52 ways to stay in love forever’ I use them to focus myself, and to clear my mind, and to figure out exactly what the hell is really going on. At the start of any potential relationship of mine I lay out seven cards. 3 represent the strengths in the coming relationship… what would hold us together. 1 represents the breaking point, what will hold us together or break us apart, and the last 3 represent the breaks. or what will surely destroy us if we allow it to.

I thought about what be & Papi had… and what me might have… and what I wanted us to be, and came up with the following cards:
Strong Points:
Creative Collaborations: creating and building things together that will outlast us. Artwork, writings, and the like. I don’t see that as being a problem here.
Variety: Changing up how we do things, not letting ourselves settle into a rut of a relationship. Hmm… I know that I get bored quickly, so I tend to want to do life differently every morning…so this should be accomplished with a little work as well.
Sacred Time: Taking time away from everything else in life and simply spending some quality, awake time with your sig. other. Taking the time to reconnect to each other without any distractions or interruptions. This seems to be a wise thing in any relationship, but know how I run about.. it might be one of the hardest strong points to build up & on.
(I found it interesting how these cards laid themselves out in order from easiest to hardest)


Breaking Point:
Thoughtfulness: be aware that everyone has habits that will get on someone else’s nerves. Be aware of the habits that you have that will drive your partner batty, and decide on just how much those habits are a part of you, and whether you can discard (or at least tone down) on them t allow for a more harmonious relationship. Hm. This one may be hard for me simply because I am such an individual… I’m not used to letting anyone else dictate what I can and cannot do. *sighs* in this card right here is the whole compromise issues that I was concerned about.

Weak Points:
Tokens of Affection: Provide small things that show how much you care and love your partner. Little silly things can build up so much more. Since this card showed up in the weak points section, that means that it is something that we will have to work on. I know that I am one who is like ‘If I tell you I love you once I mean it… do I have to keep saying it over and over again??’ so this serves as a reminder to me that love must be talked about and shown on the regular.
Hazardous Waste Management: Take time out to release all of the bitterness and irritation that you have been storing up about your partner before it breaks loose and overwhelms the relationship. This is a VERY good one. I know that I tend to hold things in and then bust out at a totally inappropriate time about the little things that have been pissing me off for a good long while…and I know that may cause issues.
We’ve got the Power: Examine the power structure in your relationship. Many people assume that the passive partner has less power, when in actuality they may almost completely control the relationship. *nods* I have been called passive – aggressive many times, but hopefully my habits of speaking out will balance the exchange of power.

A bit of food…a few good movies…and bed once again. Even though I have not talked to Papi since he dropped me off (I really need a cell phone) I feel so much more at peace with my choices… a little guidance was all I needed.

Stay Jazzed.

Dance Fever

I too can FREE my mind….. cuz I KNOW my ass will follow.

Papi drove me to L.’s place this morning, and we talked more about this ‘thing’. He suggested that he come to Indy with me, and if we are to have any kind of real & serious relationship I think that it would be a good idea… but at the same time I had doubts dancing around in my head that were too too vague for me to put a hand (or anything else) on… mainly the fact that we hadn’t even decided what this ‘thing’ was, or what we might want out of/from each other.

As we parted at L’s house.. I told him that I wanted a straight answer from him, because I already knew what I wanted. After he left… I put the matter mostly out of my mind… except to explain to L exactly what the hell was going on… his only comment was… ‘Ya’ll might be jumping from step A to step ZZ without going through all the in between portions first, and that could ruin all that you all have’. Humph. I knew that and it was one of the reasons that I am kinda antsy about the whole concept, but I put all of it out of my mind and prepared myself for at least 3 days of freewheeling fun.

L had to run and do some work, so I went along and managed to get in a good 5 hours of sleep while he handled his bidness… making life so much brighter (stiff back and all) when it was time to go out. Our first stop of the night was to a house party being thrown my one of his friends. Mind you, I had decided that I would be spending the weekend with mainly nothing but gay men, and I knew that it would be….hmmm fun to say the least? And indeed it was… from drinking some of the most DELISH rum punch I have ever had, to taking digital photos of them in various poses, to going to a club simply PACKED with men and dancing your ass off. Earlier I had said there is nothing like the sound of hundreds of women lifting their voices in song, in the same way there is nothing like hearing hundreds of men chanting ‘can I get a fuck you’ in time to Jay-Z. Sent shivers down my back…

I now fully understand why many straight black women are bitter on the subject of gay black men. I met more tight, together, intelligent, working, FIONE AS HEEEELLLLLLLL black men this one night in a dance club than I think I have ever met at one time. I can see how sisters look at them and get bitter as hell… our men can be sooo beautiful, and it might make a sista angry to see so many of them totally out of her reach. Ah well… I know that I had FUN…. *smiles* I get flirted with more, and in a nicer way, by gay men that I ever do by straight men…. why is that? L says it’s the tits… and men no matter whether gay or straight have breast fixation… *grins* that may be… but I am cool with it…

After the fire Marshall shut down the club for overcrowding, we walked back to L’s house… and I fell asleep, knowing that I would be tight and sore the next morning… but having loved every minute of it.

Stay Jazzed.

Booooiiiinnnnnngggggg Rebounded

I don’t think that he expected the bonds to pop up again in just such a way.. in fact I think that he was more feeling the sexual tension than anything else. We left the bookstore with me in a state of shock… through the ride back to his godparents’ house we muttered in various ways… ‘ I don’t BELIEVE this is happening’ By the time we returned to his godparents house.. I had decided that it was time that we faced up to whatever the hell it was that was going on between us…we spent the time until the movie (MI:2.. it’s really not all that great) talking about the state of the world today with his godfamily.

I really have to learn how NOT to bite my tongue when people say utterly illogical crap about gay folx… *sighs* but I haven’t figured out how to call someone a bigoted twerp politely…After the movies we drove around...talking for the longest time… trying to figure out what we wer going to do about us.

It seemed like it was time to figure SOMETHING out, to stop running from the bonds that we have and explore them to their limits. I had called poor L. about 3 times by now, and finally called him to let him know that I wasn’t coming to his house that night… it was close to 4 AM and we still had so much talking to do. So we hunted for a hotel room (do you have any clue how hard it is to find a hotel on the spur of the moment on a holiday weekend...) talked, hugged, cuddled and eventually fell asleep.

Being with him felt right in an odd way…but the niggling wonder of whether this was all my neediness showing it’s head or something more haunted my sleep.

some bonds
will not be broken
no matter how much
you may want them to.

Stay Jazzed.

Booiiinnnggggggg

There are some connections and bonds that have to be honored…some binds that will not break until you have explored them to their fullest. I have run smack into a few of those bonds today, and the concept of exploring them is still making me quake inside.

I had been kinda ambivalent about going to visit Papi as I had planned on. At first the plan was for us to meet on Tuesday (the day I was leaving) but it got shifted to Saturday instead. I honestly wasn’t sure if he wanted to see me, because there wasn’t the excitement or enthusiasm, at least from him, which I had expected from a friend who I hadn’t seen in a year.

*grins* I mean L. who I had just seen at new years, was about to bust a gut in anticipation of seeing me…*shrugs * I don’t know… it was odd. So no real firm plans had been made as far as how & when we were going to meet, or what we were going to do…I figured that we would plan it out as we went. My mother sent me off with a hug & a kiss & an 'I love you' like she always does, and I was off to DC. I think I was sleep for most of the trip… sleep or reading...or listening to music…. I really can’t remember which, but the ride went by at a blur. S

ince I was coming into DC from the North I couldn’t seethe view of the city like I usually could, which left me feeling a little… lost. A little unsettled and antsy… but I got over it and moved on. I got to the terminal and looked for P. No where to be found… I knew he was picking up the car at 1:00pm…so I figured I would give him about ½ an hour to get to the train station…since he was only coming from the airport. I waited… and around 1:45 I figured I would give him a call.. *shakes head* pay phones realllly rip people off when it comes to making long distance phone calls. Utterly ridiculous. So he called back at let me know that he was on his way..

*sighs * I HATE waiting… one of my larger personality faults… but I wasted some money and waited. When he finally got there… I was happy to see him.. more so because I could stop waiting and get on with the rest of the day than anything else… we collected my bags and went back to the car.

I wanted this meeting to be nothing like the last one… I didn’t want the whole sexual tension/attraction thing to go on and I didn’t want to dredge up any hidden feelings (if there were any), so I made a conscious effort not to do some of the things that I had done on my last trip…. but.. I failed. *laughs * I flirted shamelessly, and felt so simply comfortable with him that I knew I was melting into a state where sexual tension was the next logical step. ON our way to the car he suggested that we go to see his godparents, and I agreed… finally I would get to at least see some of the people that he talks about so much.

*grins* Being around them made me realize exactly why I wished for an extended family. I felt such warmth. such love and acceptance in that room from those people as I ate their EXCELLENT barbecue.. it was amazing.. that is what family should be all about. Papi & I (mostly I) had to make a quick run to the mall so that I could get a wallet.. For once in my life I had actually had more cash than I felt that I could safely just stuff in my pocketbook and ignore, and he was kind enough to take me to the mall. I was starting to feel a little bit of something.. a neediness that I thought was coming from the fact that for so long I hadn’t been touched. and mercy knows I don’t mean that in a sexual way.. I mean a hug and caress from someone who cares… and being around him I knew that if I wanted.. I could get that and more…but why would I want to complicate issues so much?

MY mantra was leave it alone Jazzy… just let it be. I swept through the mall like a mad woman, and left bearing my treasures of wallet and umbrella, because the Baltimore sky had decided to begin pouring… and me expecting summer time weather was not dressed accordingly.

Our next stop (a quick diversion) was the bookstore. I could feel the tension building…like the electricity that collects before a storm…when I want something.. it is hard for me to deny myself.. and right then and there I wanted him… or more I wanted something that I knew he could give… I was wandering through the bookstore, with him tagging along paying more attention to me than he was to the books… last year our ‘scene’ had started in a bookstore.. and somehow I figured that once again… this would be the case. He finally made his move in the music section.. pulling me towards him and kissing me like I was lost…and for a while I was.

It felt so good… just kissing someone…just kissing him that I was overwhelmed by it. Shuddering I had to pull away because I was almost in tears. Tears or relief mixed with anger. I WAS not ready for this to happen… I DID not want this to happen… my heart stirred… wondering if this was something that could be of importance…and as I turned to emotionally walk away, I ran SMACK into those bonds that cannot be denied.

The Final Days...

All I have to say is I realllly need to learn how to drive. Traipsing across the little behind city is no fun…and mercy knows I am not going to want to do it in Indy… but the money the money the money… it’s always the money.

Today (since my plans were interrupted yesterday) I spent wandering around, visiting my old teachers and giving out thank you cards. Once again I had that feeling of a paragon… something to be looked up to. It really isn’t a good feeling… because it makes you scared to be human, to fail, to change from the high high road that you were balancing on, to a lower one that you can walk on with freedom. It limits you in what you can do, constrains you to what a paragon would be, and not who you are. Anyway… I did all my last visiting today… went to see my grandmother again and raid her closet, went to see my great-aunt… who seems trapped in her house with her husband like a mouse with a cat at it’s door….

I visited Mrs. J a woman who defies all of that ‘When you get old you can’t do blah blah blah’ mess that my grandmother chirps… every time I visit Mrs. J she refreshes me, and make me think that HEY…. that is how I want to be when I grow up and older.. I want to be a go-getter… a hot ass and an active woman…someone who knows that she has paid all of her dues.. and the world is there for her to enjoy..swung past the library one last time… got some email addresses of folx that I HAVE to keep in touch with.. some of those solid grandmothers and great grandmothers that remember how this city once was…

My mother then took me out to eat… *smiles * MAN but I love her…. so cool so wonderful and still my Momma… without a doubt or a bit of shame… she is the MOTHER, and I can do nothing but respect that.

After we got back in the house Little One came over and we went down to south street (another of those traditions) to browse about… that had to be even more depressing than MyTown. I have never in all of my life seen so many empty young people. Girls with the eyes of whores, dressed to get the most dicktention that they can, and the men who swivel their heads to look. The men who are rude & feed upon the young girls… and I do mean young. *sighs* I don’t even think that I can fully explain what I saw.. but I felt it… it was an utter lack of spirit…there was no peace on the street… no looking towards anything that was not either sexual or material…there was no thought of what could be, of what there is within themselves that could make them more beautiful than any amount of Mac or Lancôme ever could. There was no understanding that a fat wallet cannot conceal an empty heart… that a fat ass does not make up for a lean spirit. *sighs* It Hurt me to watch that… painful painful… painful….

Stay Jazzed.

Changing Faces

Why must the madness that is the friendship between me & Little One be so…mad? I have more or less given up on understanding him, more or less given up on him being and acting anything like your average human type person. But then I do something like spend a day with him, and everything gets turned all topsy-turvy again. So here is the tale, and here is the story.

He has a perfectly lovey job as a nurse in one of the major major big hospitals in MyTown’s area that keeps him working 12 hour shifts, and today was his only day off, so we went out to do our tradition of taking pictures in some park. It’s simply amazing to be with him in person and see how much freer and open he is than how he appears to be online. And it is also quite astonishing to realize that he is a master and saying very very little and meaning oh so much. Anyhow, we went riding around, on our way to the park. He was kind enough to take me on a few errands (since he had the benefit of a car) and go with me to visit my grandmother briefly. I wanted to go and visit my teachers and hand out thank you cards to them (still racking up from graduation) but I was having such a laid back time with hi, I opted not to…it would have taken away from the little bit of time that we could have together. He showed me *grins * big houses… damn near mansions of housing complexes that had sprung up in the far out suburbs. It was sad to see such progress and beauty only a few miles away from the dismal existence of MyTown, but…isn’t that how the USA is?

Finally…. We reached the park, and we began to take pictures. Mostly of flowers & grasses & trees & weeds. : ) My favorites, we did a lot of walking and exploring and then he hit me with the bombshell.… he wanted me to take nude pictures of him. * laughs * To say that I was in a mild state of shock is saying little. It’s odd that after all of this time of lusting after this boy, and praying that he would show me the LEAST bit of attention outside of a brotherly way, it was NOW… when I didn’t even WANT the child anymore…. That I would get to see his body. * sighs* As we rode back to his house to get some clothes that he could do quick changes out of, I knew that somewhere, something was getting a very good laugh at all of this.

I have never, in all of my life had so much fun with photography, never felt such a creative force in me as I did for those 2 ½ hours that we were out there. I know that it was partially because of my own eyes looking at him & the scenery, but it was also because I had such a wonderful & willing model, someone who was cool with sitting in ice cold water to get a good picture…someone who managed not to laugh at the sight of me in my sandals scrambling up rocks and under bushes. He has almost as good of a creative eye as I do (or better) and since what he wanted to have pictures of and what I wanted to take pictures of were roughly the same thing….everything came out rather well. Mind you, during this entire thing I was…hmm… aware of him as a model first, then Little One, then as a naked man. Interesting hm? I felt like FINALLLY….. we had reached a stable point, where both of our concepts of what the relationship was balanced out….fast forward to that night.

Me, Little One, Nee & JJ had decided to meet for dinner, hang out and kick it for a bit. I realized at that dinner table that I have been utterly spoiled by the caliber of friends that I have. I expect everything from them, and tend to get it. I have the most brilliant, beautiful, intelligent & open-minded people as friends… it is simply wonderful & amazing. Anyhooow…. Dinner was hoot…and afterwards me & Nee wanted to party… get a little bit of a groove.. a little bit of a shake on… in other words we was gonna go clubbing. We invited Little One & JJ , but they both begged off since they had to go to work in the morning, and it was already close to 11. So off to Nee’s house to collect some money and some clubbin clothes… and then we were off to the club. On our way there… the other shoe fell.

Nee & Little One had been having a conversation about his twisted relationships, and she was trying to grasp an understanding of his concept of friendship… in the process he asked him if he was sexually attracted to me….and the fool said yes. As she tells me this my mouth drops, my eyes glaze over, and I go into a state of shock. * sighs * just when I thought it was all over, all at piece and stuff, this pops up. Urgh.

There was nothing I could do or say…and in fact I simply pushed it to the back of my mind. I refuse to accept it, and in fact plan on totally ignoring it. The fact really doesn’t make a difference at this point, and since it is totally contrary to the way the child treats me… it won’t have much of an affect of our relationship. I hope. The day ended much as it had begun…with me staring at the roses on my dresser… and wondering exactly who the hell he is.

Stay Jazzed

Good Lovin Rockin

I am so depressed by the statistics for relationships. Marriages tend to have a 50/50 chance of surviving, people fall in and out of love like they are changing clothes, and everyone is looking for something that they swear cannot be found. I think that I have discovered the reason why.

If you did not grow up in an environment where you saw two people in love, interacting on a daily basis with all the highs and the lows and the pitfalls and the peaks that making love work requires, where would you get your concept of love from? How would you know what was real love and what was something else, like infatuation or random lust? You would have to go to secondary sources, and what is the main secondary source for love knowledge after the babblings of our just as lost friends? What surrounds each of us every single day that deals mainly with love? Music. Umhm… music… love songs.

After watching all of the videos that I have over the past two days (today was my sleep very very late & veg out day) I realized that I have an utterly unrealistic idea of what love is. I somehow expect my love to be hot and magical and passionate and EASY. I expect love to be something that is simple and uncomplicated and totally and utterly perfect, until suddenly it ain’t right no more. I expect to make it last forever , without ever realizing that I got work to do. I am expecting a love supreme, when sometimes all I have ever really wanted was real love. I have expected sex (that good love) to cover all of the holes and gaps and missing spots in a relationship, rather than realizing that communication is a powerful thang, and can overcome anything.

I got the urge to write a research paper on the Representation of Romantic Love in Popular Music, just so that I would be able to outline and set down exactly how backwards most of my assumptions were/are.
And in the process of thinking about all of this, I started to realize that some of those old school - old fashioned ideas might be best…saving sex until marriage, taking it slow. Yeah, there might not have been that crazy passionate love in some of our grandparents & great parent’s relationships, but they learned to love each other, they learned to be in love.

*sighs* Love is the biggest compromise there is, and * smiles * I remember saying earlier that I don’t think that I could ever be fully and completely in love because the compromises required were too high. After these last few months though, I am more than ready to compromise. *smiles* This latest heartbreak has cured me of all of my wandering lust issues. I am ready to *gulp* settle down. The next thing I get into, the next relationship that I have, I want it t be for keeps. I want it to be something that will last. Now I know that I could previously never stand folx who were looking for a wife, because it seems that they limited themselves to finding only those kind of people who were looking for the same thing. But now I realize that if that is what they want, then they are not TRYING to go through the hassle of opening up their heart to someone who knows that they will be transitory, a thing of a few months before they move on.

Now… I understand. *sighs* Growing up sucks sometimes. I have been looking at these videos with a really jaundiced eye, trying to see if there is anything that I can pull from them that can be useful. And the more I watch, the more disgusted I get. *sighs* Me…the queen of sexual freedom being turned ever so thoroughly turned off by the rampant sexuality of the music world.

*Sighs* Ah well… I think that my earlier free wheeling spirit may be coming to bite me in the butt. To me, most sex (mainly penetration) is not even a representation of love anymore. It is just something that folx do to get their rocks off. I feel like kissing and cuddling are about the sexiest and most intimate things you can do with someone…a hug or a touch on my collarbone inspires more feelings of love than a dick sliding into my pussy ever could. *sighs* Humph. The lessons learned too late to make a difference, the burnt child wonders what a fire is good for.

Stay Jazzed

Home Sweet (?) Home

It is kinda scary to me to see just how much folx have… thought of me and talked about me and looked at me as a wonderful, brilliant, beautiful person.
The airplane ride home was nice, hardly any turbulence, and I slept through most of the whole thing.. my kinda ride :) Any how, after we dropped my grandmother off (praise god) at her house, I decided to run across the street to the library, the site of my first job and many many fondly remembered afternoons. When I worked there I was still wearing a headpiece and fully covered in the style of a proper Muslim woman, so when I strolled into the Library wearing a short skirt and a short sleeved shirt my supervisors had to take a double take or two to realize that it was me they were seeing. *smiles * I love growing up. It gave me a really odd feeling to listen to the reminisces of how they hoped I would turn out, and magically enough I turned out that way.

Ms. B almost started crying from…shock? joy? at seeing me all grown up and ‘successful’ rather than beaten, broken women like many of my classmates who stayed in the city have turned out to be. I realized that part of the shame/sadness/tears that I shed when I knew that I was pregnant was for these people, the ones who damn near (it felt like) look up to me and use me as a character witness for others. I always told myself that other folx judgments on me don’t matter, that I am my own woman and I can handle the punches that life may throw my way. And that is still true, for the most part. My problem is that I am tenderhearted (yeah yeah really I am) and I hate to hurt those that I like, love and/or respect. :) The rest of the world can bite me. So I stayed there for a bit, and got the first of my graduation cash. :) I collected almost 90 dollars in one day, and I know that most (if not all) of it will be gone by the time I am going to Indy.

Then we went through the city real quick, juts so I could see what had changed… It is sad when one place can depress you so thoroughly upon entering it. This city is run down, tore up, and too damn stagnant to even try to make a push for change. My town used to be a bustling hub of business in the 40’s and 50’s when the big ships and the steel mills and the gasoline companies were working up and down the river like a busy highway. Then the mills closed (isn’t that always the deadly line in a story) and then the oil companies wanted more than just experienced labor, they wanted educated labor, and a whole strata of the town fell into unemployment and despair. Now it is the children and the grandchildren and the great grandchildren of the city who are there, and the few who are still there are only there because they have no vision to see of somewhere else to go. Those of us who KNOW we can go somewhere else, have gone…and there are very very few of us who have any plans of coming back. I can’t ever see myself coming back…it would be a step in the totally wrong direction. Even my mother plans on moving soon, leaving her mother and the rest of our small family behind, because she says she wants to go to DC. Hm. As long as she doesn’t come to Indy, it is okay with me.

The rest of my first day home I spent calling folx to let them know I was in the city (I am notorious for being slow on the tip) and hanging out with JJ. We talked about the tangled webs that two of our friends had woven around themselves and each other over love denied. Or love ignored or attraction dismissed or whatever the hell you want to call it. They have managed to turn themselves into two remarkably unhappy people, and they are going to lose each other as friends. *sighs * It is sad when something that could be so beautiful ends up so twisted and almost ugly.

I watched music videos too….lots & lots & lots of videos…and Little One brought me a beautiful dozen of red red red roses. Oh these flowers are so gorgeous and perfect I could sit for hours and just stare at them. I would take a picture but it wouldn’t even be able to carry off the beauty of these flowers right. *sighs * Sometimes I really can’t stand that boy… I dismiss him as a caring thinking person, and then he manages to bring something of beauty like this into my life…. what can I say? Chaos… personified and controlled.
Stay Jazzed