but....

 in spite of all the worries and fears I have - I have a wonderful life. I've got a wonderful job, a peaceful & lovely apartment, two gorgeous cats, enough money to be far from poverty, and a amzing man who loves me. I've got my health, friends, a deep desire to expand and grow, a fierce curiosity and enough faith in myself to somehow manage it all.
Sometimes I have to stand back and look at only what is solid and true in order to ground myself in the wonder & awe & beauty & love that is the wolrd I live in EVERYDAY. There is soo much beauty and love and joy that surrounds me (and all of us) that sometimes I have to force myself to look away from the tarry pit of self-pity, and exault in the simple peace & joy of rain.

doubtful

It's not that I hate PMS, because I don't. If anything - I fear it. I don't know how to look at my emotional state during this time. Is this how I TRULY feel, and simply repress during my less 'in touch' times? Or is this simply a silly side effect of the hormonal cocktail swirling through my system? I don't know - and with that not knowing comes the fear. I don't know if I should grant any validity to the concerns I have now - are they concerns that are true & valid ones, that I have stubbornly ignored and assumed I would be strong/intelligent/willing enough to work out? Or are they problems that will be in the long run, minute ones - but for this period of time they are molehills bloated into mountains?
I don't know anymore. And it's really scary. I tend to believe that for the most part - I'm in touch with myself. It might take me a little time, but I listen to my heart and take its view of the truth and try to tone down the relentlessly logical paradigm I normally operate under. Even still, I know that sometimes I ignore what my deepest sense of myself is telling me - because it's too hard, too ugly, too sudden, too DIFFERENT from what I do everyday - and I can do that seamlessly - with only this time being the time that I am forced to look right into my heart - with no option of recoiling from the mirror I see there. But I can't tell if it's a clear smooth mirror, or a funhouse one. And I can't talk to my friends because the things I see there I don't want to think of - much less hash out with someone else. I can't even write them down and out - here, on paper, anywhere! Maybe I would feel comfortable writing them out in the sandy shore of an ocean and watching the waves dissolve them...but anything even vaguely semi-permanent? I can't do it.
This time - the mirror is showing me something so totally life-changing I can't even LOOK at it. It's been creeping into the back of my head occasionally over the last month or two - but I've shoved it back figuring it to be just a general grousing of the spirit - me growing and stretching as I learn and experience more. Now - today - they don't look the same. My heart is telling me the very last thing I want to hear, and right now I CAN'T do anything but give it time & space and validity to grow - or to die. Maybe it's a phantasm that will fade away after a week - or maye it's a swelling tumor that will choke me until I yield. I can do nothing more right now than acknowledge both of those options - and honestly, I'm not even sure which I would prefer.
I think that is what scares me the most.

Wanted: A Dancing Queens Castle

went out last night - I was really looking forward to it. I had picked out just the right outfit - clubbin appropiate without being slutty (oh, if I had only known then....). I wore a tank top with "I [heart shape] my freedom" on it - which everyone amusingly enough assumed to be in SUPPORT of that foolish war on Iraq, and a smidge over knee length skirt that I had trimmed last weekend but never wore, and a nice study pair of clunky shoes. I was a wee bit nervous about the tank top as it was a WEE bit tighter than I usually wear, and I've got a little jiggly belly that showed through some(oh, if I had only known then....)
I've gotten directions off of Yahoo! and I knew that ladies get in free before 11, so I figured I'd try to make it there by ten - just to be on the safe side. The directions took me down the back roads to some of the CREEPIEST neighborhoods I had ever seen in my life (foreboding anyone??). There were few street signs, fewer street lights, and even fewer fools besides me going down these roads. I'm guessing where Yahoo! led me was it's version of 'shortest time'. They've got 'most direct' and some other category but I really think they need to add another category - 'least creepy'. So - I finally get to the shopping center the club is in (after turning around twice) - and realize that it is BARELY a mile from an exit on the MAIN highway in the city - which I LIVE a block from. We all know how I went home, don't we? But I won't jump ahead.
I had to stop and ask a cop in front of the just closing (and very abandoned looking) LoBill to figure out how to actually get to the club - which ended up being behind the shopping center down a road that was in a MOST disreputable state. I pull into the parking lot at almost ten on the nose, and there were less than 10 cars there. I finally started to get worried. Then, I thought - okay, CP time, no one is really going to GET here until 10:30/10:45. I was brave enough to GO to a club alone, but there was no way in hell I was going to be the first person to walk into an empty club. So - I sat in the car for 45 minutes, smoking cloves and listening to my 'get pumped' CD.
Two guys stopped at my car - one security guy to see why I was lingering there (most likely thought I was stalking one of the non-existant club-goers) and another cheerful young fellow who tried to sell me three CD's. It's interesting - I always thought unsigned, uncommercial hip-hop was called underground, not indie, but after I sweetly told him I wasn't buying anything, he gave me a free CD of indie hiphop. I've yet to listen to it, but I'm sure it will be, if nothing else, interesting.
Around 10:30, suddenly the parking lot started to fill up - cars of women. This is when I REALLLY started to get nervous. I haven't lived in the hood, or associated with hoodlike people since I left Atlanta 3 years ago, and I've done enough maturing at this point that they aren't even FUNNY anymore. Every single woman who walked through that door personfied hood-trick in a different fashion. Whether it was the bootyshorts showing off the tattoo on both thighs (and the generous cellulite) with the droopily braless halter top, or if it was the big gurl who borrowed her ten year old (her SKINNY ten year old) little sisters dress for a shirt, it was worrisome. And I'm not even going to TALK about the hair. I may have been the ONLY woman in that club who grew all of the hair that was on her head. So - I watch this parade of women for about 10 minutes, then decided that I had better go on over before the line got too long. I brought 5 bucks, my ID, my car key, and my smokes with me - which shortened the search process considerably.
What is it wih black women and the whte eyeshadow? I could never get that - I NEVER thought it looked attractive, but that's clearly just me as the group of girls in front of me were sharing a stick before we got in the club, and the girl behind me looked like she had been slapped with a stick of it.
I make it through the search, and enter the club. This place was actually HUGE - I was really suprised by the size. There was a little bar and grill (hot wings and french fries), 4 bars, a nice sized VIP section, a pretty roomy dance floor and a smaller one, and a area in the back with 6 pool tables in it. Plus, there were several nice little seating areas - with TV's. I grabbed a good seat (so that I could watch the parade as it went by) and proceeded to wait. My ONLY reason to go was to dance - not to hookup, not to really talk to anybody, not to get drunk. Hell - I had to go to WORK the next morning. I waited...and waited...and waited some more - about a good 30 to 45 minutes had gone by before the DJ got set up really good and started playing music. In that time, this guy and girl at the bar next to the seating area got into a fight - much cursing, much accusations of being a 'broke ugly ass bitch' and 'weak ass nasty nigga' which ended with homeboy being gently escorted from the club. I watched the girl celebrate with her friends how she had just played him, and made a consious decision to stay as FAR away from her & her girls the rest of the night.
The DJ played NOTHING but hiphop, and the occasional slow jam (or assgrinders as he so colorfully called them). Now, don't get me wrong - I dig hiphop. It's not the easiest thing to dance to - but you can get down. I danced pretty steadily for about an hour, but after slapping four DIFFERENT pairs of hands away from going UP my skirt (annd I was actually dancing rather conservatively - comparing), and witnessing a girl literally hump a guy on the floor (and I was just praying that the bits I couldn't see had clothes on them), I decided that I needed to be MUCH drunker than the almost stone-sober I was to enjoy this. I held out dancing on and off until 1:45, then decided that it really wasn't going to get any better, and besides, I had to go to work in the morning. The club closed at 3am, and I didn't think I wanted to see the effects of any more alcohol in the bloodstreams of the folx around me. I had the distinct feeling that people had been shot as they were leaving this club, and I wanted to be gone WELL before that.
As I was leaving, there were still people coming INTO the club - white eyeliner and gold fronts everywhere. I laughed as I left - I swear, sometimes there are REALLY perfectly good reasons for not going out. As I left, the security guard told me to be sure to come back Saturday - as the club "gets a lot more live". I don't think I could HANDLE any more live than that.
So - now I'm on the hunt. I've GOT to find someplace that I can go and dance and have a good time without having to deal with nasty ass dudes and trampy acting girls and nasty attitudes in general. I hope it wasn't simply the almost all-black clientle that made it so...unpleasant (my people, my people) but I figure I'll try Have a Nice Day Cafe next Thursday - once again a cover free ladies night. Anything has GOT to be better than that - and it's much closer to home - on a MAIN street even. *sigh*
I'm a dancing queen with no club to call home.....

Wish me luck.

Stuff

I didn't go work out last night (but it was my off night!) I"m not going tonight either - but that's because I'm going out to a club to shake my booty - and I figure that trumps a mere half an hour of sweaty sacrifice. Besides the fact - I'm looking FORWARD to going home and laying out in my living room and taking a little hot sweaty nap before I go out - especially since I've been yawning since I woke up this morning. I'm going tonight (instead of the much more sensible tommorow night) because it's ladies night, and in my current state of fiscal instability - that sounds like a damn good thing.

I've been calling places canceling - thankfully I hadn't booked EVERYTHING, as I've only gotten back 1/2 of one deposit thus far. *sigh* The postponement announcements went out today - I think they are light-hearted enough that I won't be deluged with a flood of 'Are you okay??' messages - though I would totally understand people sending them. I actually feel slightly GUILTY about being relived that we postponed. Hm. It's one less thing to stress about - even though that dress in my closet is going to be singing a sweet song. I feel like I should feel bad about it - nervous and guilty and shamed and apprehensive about what it all means - but I'm not.  I'm actually a little giddy about it - but it's not because I don't want to marry him - heaven KNOWS I do. It's not because I wasn't looking forward to the wedding - cuz heaven knows I WAS. It's just - it's just not a bad thing somehow. Maybe I'll dream about why it's okay - maybe next week something will happen that will highlight just why I feel so - secure - in having made this decision. Eh. I don't know - but I'm happy and that's the critical bit, yes?

Affirmative Action

I'm a black woman. Under those circumstances, you would think that I would be one of the ones madly cheering the Supreme Court's decision on Affirmative Action. In actuality, I'm rather dissappointed.
The basic premise of AA is that because certain people have been historically denied access to certain 'benefits' of life due to their gender or race, the government should step in and insure that there is no discrimination in areas that recieve gov't. funding. In theory - I doubt that anyone feels that someone who has the same skills & qualifications should be denied a position solely because of their sex or race - that's just basic equality. Where the problem comes in, as in the Supreme Court case, is when people who DON'T have those same qualifications and skills are chosen over people who DO have them, simply because of AA and the color of their skin or their gender.
My disgust with the Supreme Court decision goes beyond them endorsing racism. It goes, in fact to the root of the problem - why DON'T these people have the same skills & qualifications as others? Why do they recieve lower tests scores? Why do they have lower GPA's? Why don't they have as many extra-curricular activities? Obviously, they have some interest in their education, otherwise they wouldn'tbe trying to get into college in the first place. So - what's the problem?
I went to a 99% black high school. Out of my class of 600 people, there was ONE white person, and about 7 or 8 hispanics. Due to the area that the school was located in (very poor, very low rate of home-ownership) the school taxes that were paid barely covered the maintence of the school builiding, much less things like new textbooks, SAT study guides, or any of the other 'perks' that most schools in more prosperous areas receive. In addition, a majority of the people I went to school with were the first generation in their family to even have a HOPE of going to college, and their parents had no clue what was needed to insure that their children had the skills and qualifications that the children who went to the school in the suburb up the street had. I'm assuming that the parents even actively supported their child's desire to go to college, which many parents didn't because they considered it a waste of time and money - esp. when the power plant up the street was hiring people fresh out of high school at the regal rate of 13 bucks an hour - plus overtime.
Contrast this to the also public high school (of mostly middle to upper middle class white people) that my best friend went to. Since it was a public school in a very affluent neighborhood, it was richly funded by school taxes, and it showed in the level of education. They purchased new textbooks every year. They had a brand new chemistry lab. They were able to afford in-school SAT Prep classes. They were able to afford highly qualified, dedicated and skilled teachers. They were EXPECTED to go to college after graduation - and those benefits and expectations showed in their grades and test scores.
Let's take a step back and look at this again. We have two children, and let's assume they have the same IQ, the same basic skills, the same ability to learn- but because of their parents/environment/schooling - one ends up with a SAT score of 1500, and the other ends up with an SAT score of 1000. The difference in the scoring is not due to their intelligence, or their ability to learn, but simply because of what school and what district they attended school in. That is the inequality that AA is supposed to correct - and while it does that for some cases, I firmly believe that it happens WAY too late. AA should exisit at the public school level - from Pre-K to High school - so that there is NO huge gap between the quality of PUBLIC SCHOOLS based on where you live - which most children have absolutely NO choice in. If every child is given an EQUAL opportunity to learn, and an EQUAL quality of education (which is what PUBLIC, gov't funded schools should be all about) then we wouldn't NEED AA at the college level - the playing field would already be level, and the race of the applicant would no longer make any difference in their qualifications and skills.
Screw Affirmative Action. Let's start correcting the inequalities at the ROOT of the problem, not at the tip.

poof!

loosely tied down
by the weakest restraints
of duty
and ethics
like a dandelion after bloom
with one hard puff
i’ll be swept away

---

I’m twitchy. It’s gotten worse over the last few days – but I’ve got so much nervous energy rumbling through me I don’t know what to DO with myself. I understand how kids feel who are forced to sit still behind a desk for long periods of time – it’s just MEAN. I’ve no clue where this wiggliness comes from – it could be the exercise, it could be the fact that I KNOW it’s officially summertime outside, it could be the excitement of my upcoming return to Geneva, hell I don’t know! I have the attention span of a GNAT.
But I know that it seems like every hour here – esp. the hours in which I have not a scrap of work to do (I hate limbo) – is slowly driving me CRAZY. I wanna be doing something – anything. And with this latest form of writers lock where if I write anything that isn’t damn near factual I think it’s utter dreck, I can’t even blabber on in here.
Maybe it’s the music – but that seems to be the only thing that keeps me calm.

Quandry...

I feel like SUCH a huge weight has been lifted off of my (our) shoulders, but at the same time, I'm rather embarassed about the whole thing.
Corey & I have decided to postpone the wedding - not because of any issues between us, but because it's just not financially viable at this point for us to have the wedding we REALLLY want to have. I've cut so many corners the whole dang thing is bleeding, and we finally had a real sitdown & heart to heart about it this weekend - and for several more reasons than JUST the money - we decided it would be best to postpone. We don't know for how long, but.... it's the best thing for us to do.
Now of course is the delightful decision of how to let everyone know. I (being the smart ass that I am) was going to send out postcards that were a riff off of our save the dates (STD) - but thought that might be a bit too informal. I could do the invites - but I don't want to send out the same style of envelope & paper like I did for the STD's. Argh. And I need to do this SOON - like this week - so that as few people as possible make travel plans. I've called the people whose curent numbers I have...and then the mailing. *sigh*

For me to be such a planner, this is utterly mindblowing.

Currency

Current Book
Peace Is Every Step: The Path Of Mindfulness In Everyday Life
Current Song
I Would Die 4 U - Prince
Current Favorite Pair Of Shoes
My Eagle Creek High Heel Strappy Sandals That Feel Like I’m Walking On Air.
Current Favorite Piece Of Clothing
My ¾ Sleeve Clingy Black Shirt From LB
Current Recurrent Thought Or Concept
Patience My Child, Patience
Current Favorite Beverage
Water
Current Anxiety
Money.
Current Best Time Waster
Open Diary
Current Favorite Annoying Thing To Do
Tap Nails On Desk Noisily
Current Favorite Fantasy
Winning The Lottery
Current Wish List
Lots Of Money (Or No Bills)
A Really Close Girlfriend
A Housekeeper
A Non-Corporate Job
Current Small Happiness
I’m Going Shopping This Weekend!
Current Bane Of My Existence
No Banes….
Current Irritation
The Fact That I No Longer Own A Single Bra That Fits Perfectly
Current Mood
Calm, A Little Bored
Current Favorite Animal In The World
My Kitlings
Current Language I Wish I Knew/Knew More Of
Spanish Or French
Current Place I'd Rather Be Than Where I Am
At The Beach
Current Thing I'm Most Thankful For
My Mind And My Sight

---

Yes, clearly I'm a little bored at work today - FOUR entries in one day? I think this is a record for A'ishah....

Communal Curiousity

I was sitting on the balcony last night, savoring a clove, and I started thinking about how social most people are, and more importantly, the deep urge I have finally given into to be a social person. Then, I began to wonder - is being part of a community an innate human desire? Does everyone feel the need to belong to something that brings them together with other humans, whether it be a church or a school or a workplace? Can anyone ever be totally and completely happy as an isolated entity with no long-term connections of any type to another person or person(s)? I wonder if for some people that is part of the attraction of OD? It's a community that makes you feel as if you are integrated into other peoples lives, and they are integrated into yours - a true sense of virtual community, whether you ever meet anyone from here or not.

Dreamin....

It's do hard for me to try to write about my dreams because I never really remember the whole thing - just bits and pieces of them. Still - the dreams I had this morning were vivid enough that I want to write down the details I rememeber.

a) I was living in a hotel that had all kinds of rooms and cubbyholes in it - esp. back in the 'service' area. I found this one room that looked like it had been squatted in - the bedside dresser had money and other odd little coins in the top drawer, and the bottom two drawers were full of checks made out to this one person KK, and the little bathroom was full of furniture from other rooms. The main dresser had clothes in it, and on top of the dresser there was a jewelry box on top with all this really unique and totally to my taste jewelry. I knew this was someones room I had stumbled into, and so I didn't steal anything - but for some reason I had to stay there. I laid down on the waterbed, and it sunk down into this hole that was under the bed - I looked into the hole, and it was the ceiling of someones house. I finished cutting open the hole into the house, dropped into the house, and started randomly rummaging through a table of mail and money by the front door - the ceiling hole was right near the entrance way. A little boy came running into the house calling for his father, and I leapt behind a chair so that he wouldn't see me. As soon as the little boy left the room, I collected the stuff I had stolen, and slipped out of the front door, and began running away from the house. I almost got lost, but truned back and saw the hotel above the house and started to follow the road that led to the hotel. A few seconds later, the man whose house I had been in (Papa) came out, and started running towards the hotel. I kept walking, and ended up in some sort of open air market. Papa then caught up with me, and started flirting with me, having no clue that I was the one who had just robbed his house. Papa was a fine specimen of a fellow too - he looked African, and was tall with smooth & dark chocolate skin. He had short hair, and a sexy lil goatee too. We walk to the hotel, chatting and conversing, and when he gets there he stops at the desk to tell them want happened, and I go to the squatters room to drop off my goods. I then left that room, and went to stay in the room that I was ACTUALLY living in at the hotel.
This was only the last part of the dream - I had done a lot more in the hotel before I found that little hole, but I can't remember what.

b) I was somewhere with another woman - like a Super Walmart gone mad. The woman had two children - a little girl (about 2) and a little boy (about 2 weeks). For some reason, she made the little girl try to feed the little boy, and he simply could not get enough food. The woman seemed a little - mentally off any how - and I stopped and sat down and started feeding the little boy. I gave him a bottle, and I kept feeling like I was actually breastfeeding him even though I was WATCHING him eat from this bottle. The woman then told me she was the queen of this area (the outside area, not the Super Walmart place) and she and her husband (the King) were looking for someone to take care of their children and I seemed perfect. I agreed, and went home with her to meet the king. I met the king who was a gorgeous Arab looking man. About 6'5 and just - massive looking. Almost like a bear, but amazingly sexy. In a matter of days we were embroiled in a seriously torrid affair - sex, love and our intense focus on the children. At some point, I was interviewed by a group of phsycologists and was made to be the 'true' queen in all but name because the children had imprinted on ME as being their mother.
I quite regretted the point at which I had to wake up from this dream because I was in the middle of a tryst with the king. Once I woke up, all I could remember was having this AMAZING sex in my dream, but I couldn't remember WHO with. It took me recalling the fact that the babies thought I was their mother for me to remember the king.

So - those two dreams have been knocking about in my head all day, and writing about them made me remember some of my other dreams - like the one I had a couple of months ago where my car had broke down in the middle of a trailer park, and the people who offered to help tried to rope me into a swing party that was going on at the time - and I couldn't because of something that meant I had to leave. Mind you, once I tried to leave I was so rattled that I hit about 4 cars as I tried to drive out of the park. It's interesting that almost ALL of my dreams have sex in them, or some sort of sexual undertone, no matter WHAT the rest of the dream might be about. Actaully - more accurately, the dreams I REMEMER always have a lovely thread of sexuality through it. I wonder if it's a sign of my repressed sexuality (which is a topic for another entry).

Now that I've recorded them, I think they might leave me alone...though I'll daydream about kingy boy for a little while longer. Damn but he was HOT.