:waving:

Howdy!!!

Haven't been doing much with my hair, as usual - though, I have learned a new technique, that while it hasn't revolutionized how I deal with my hair - I think it's the tweak I needed to keep things on track.

Ive started (thanks to the wise suggestion of Sareca!) to condition my hair DRY - with a little bit of heat. It didn't make sense (still, doesn't, actually) but it works SOOO much better - my hair feels - richer? smoother? and definitely more moisturized. I don't actually own a hair heating device, so I'm using a warm towel on my head instead - it's the closest I'll get, and honestly, I'm not totally certain that it's needed.

Anyhow - it's shifted how I do things. Instead of taking my hair down, getting it wet, detangling, putting in conditioner, leaving it in overnight, detangling again, rinsing out, moisturizing, putting into fat braids to dry, taking down, combing again, and then putting it into my weekly style (gah, that sounds so complex) I now just - take my hair down, put in conditioner, detangle, put into fat braids, rinse out conditioner, let dry, take down, put in my weekly style. And, my hair is actually long enough that I can turn my fat braids into a style that I can wear out in public without shame.

So. Urm.

Ah! I need to take another picture of my temples - looking at those pictures from March, I really do think that they have filled in A LOT - still not as lush as I want them to be, but I think that the care I'm taking of my face (and by extension, the skin of my hairline) will make a big difference - I've managed to (FINALLY) cut down on the freaky flakies on my face, and I'm hoping it'll make a difference to the leath of my hairline. So. I'll take a new picture at the end of next month, and compare it to the pictures from March, and just see the difference.
I suspect that a lot of the thinness was just from the stress that my dreads put on my hairline - five years of tiny locs pulling (and sometimes ripping) the already amazing fine hairs of my hairline has definitely made a difference. *sigh* Have I meantioned how incredibly NOT patient I am? :laugh: And my back hairline (behind my ears and all the way back) is SOOO lovely and full and - just nice. *sigh* I can't wait for all my hair to be like that.

I also updated my hair profile thingy - I really need to change my hair type to a straight up 4a - I wish they had a 3c/4a combo, but that's okay. I changed the length to reflect TLHC's standards, even though I really think it's - skewed, as of COURSE the hair along my nape, if stretched out, and added to the size of my head, is going to make my hair 'longer' than it really is. I really think that measuring the length of the strands themselves is more accurate (esp. for someone like me who has a BIG head of strands which are generally all the same length which = layers) them measuring from hairline to bottom of the longest strand at the nape.
Let's put it this way - measuring strands of hair (which to me, is usuable hair length) is seven inches, or so. My 'TLHC' length is 17 inches - and my head is about 16 inches. See - I told you I have a big head. :laugh: I guess it's just that - heck, it seems like I should be able to make a ponytail with 17 inches of hair, but with the size of my head - that's a total no go. I'm thinking - 16 inch head, I need at least 8-9 inches of hair to be able to pull it all together (which would translate into about 20 inches) and at least 12 (24-26 inches) to really be able to start doing nice buns, etc..... but then, having just done a quick measurement check, that's about halfway between SL and APL, which, really is about the point in time that most people really ARE able to pull their hair up. *sigh* Let's see, count bald from May 2006, and I've gotten to 16 inches in - 16 months - that's a 'virtual' inch a month, which really is AMAZING growth. In strand length, I'm at more 1/2 an inch a month. *sigh* So - that should mean that I would be at full sholder length in another 8-10 months, or so - that's not bad - in fact, that's right fair growth for two years. *stops my whinging*

In ear news.... *sigh* I think I'm going to go up to a four. *shakeshead* The 6g just isn't BIG enough anymore - even the 2g I have in the car that I thought was just HUGE when I first got it, is now - murph, not too bad at all. And, I think that I'm slowly growing away from the NEED to have dangles, and if I graduate to plugs - well, a 6g plug ain't shit, really. *sigh* So, yeah.

I might do some eBay browsing tonight.

10:09

I am falling into one of my worst habits, extrapolating doom.

Or, maybe it's one of my best habits, when kept in check.

I don't know.

But - I didn't expect the reaction I got.

*sigh*

I don't know.

He suggested - on a Friday night, where he has to get up early, and I usually stay up late - that we play the sex cards.

No.

He asked me when I was going to come to bed (as I'm messing with my hair, as I USUALLY do on a Friday), and when I asked why, he said because he's been wanting to play the sex cards.

Which, ya know, he has....but it's not like we haven't been having sex, without the cards even.

Of course, the first time he mentioned them, he said he wanted to play cards, and I got SO excited because I thought he wanted to spend time with me not associated with TV or sex.

But no.

He wanted to play sex cards.

And, so my next yeah (as I've promised MYSELF to keep my no's down to periods when I would truly feel violated by having sex) wasn't nearly as enthuased as the card playing one was.

He retracted, and we played two rounds of cards. One. Two. I won one, he won the other.

Anyhow, that was about - a week? week and a half ago? In between that time, there's been the 'letter'.

And my response, which I'm still too much of a pussy to send - and let him read.

*sigh*

Anyhow.

He asks me tonight, when I'm coming to bed, and I say not too late.

And then...

Maybe that's where I messed up.

I suggested a delay.

Because, ya know, I'm getting poked with needles and swallowing 30 odd pills a day in an attempt to try to get pregnant, and ya know, the problem might NOT even be me.

And ya know, since we had sex THIS MORNING (once again, wasn't worth my saying no), and Fertell requires a two day 'hold', I figured - hey! We can hold off, I can finish my hair, he can get the rest he needs, he can take the test Sunday, and we can play the cards Sunday night.

I mean, obviously, he'll have no problem getting it up twice a day, as that's what he suggested tonight.

'How about we play Sunday night?'

Mild look of - what? Disgust? Disappointment? Anger? Depression? Sulk? crosses his face.

'Fine.'

He looks upset, still.

'Would you mind taking the fertility test Sunday morning?'

'What?'

He's already got the upset/withdrawn look on his face. I'm wondering - did he not hear me? Did he not understand?

'Would you mind taking the fertility test Sunday Morning?'

'What does that have to do with me?'

I just look at him. What - I couldn't even understand the question - what does it have to do with him? Huh?

I begin to explain, and he cuts me off - now, very withdrawn, very upset, very cold.

'Fine.'

I look at him, hoping for something more. He stares back.

"You know that means you can't cum for two days?....."  I ask uncertainly.

'I know, that's why I said Fine.'  Short, now. Brusque. Cold. Withdrawn.

I don't understand. Maybe - maybe he's scared of the results, and that's his only way of expression. Maybe, despite having sex four times in the last week, he thinks I'm trying to dodge him. Maybe...... I don't know. Maybe he has changed his mind, and doesn't want to have kids. Maybe he has no CLUE how important and heartfelt this - journey - that I'm really walking alone - to have children is to me.

I don't know.

But - I'm tired of crying in front of him. I'm tired of crying because of him. I'm - tired, really. I don't have the energy (or according to him, the right) to fight anymore, so why even bother?

I hate love, I think.

We go on, I determine that I'm not going to bed anytime soon, and he starts watching the end bit of a movie.

Silence.

Stiff, silence.

I decide that I'm also in no mood to eat. *sigh* One carryover, I can identify, no, pinpoint clearly.

he gets up, to go to bed, and I get up to refresh the hot towel on my head. He begins telling me about his day tomorrow - long hours, again, as usual. I don't geel the usual surge of love and gratitude - more a cloak of relief that I'll be able to avoid the coldness for at least a day. I wonder - should I be TRYING to have children with him? Is it worth it? Am I repeating my mothers mistakes?

I tell him my plans for Sunday - he's off, but has to go in, and I wanted to let him know when I would be out of the house so that maybe he would time it. I explain, briefly, Mabon, and he says......yeah, you guessed it.

'Fine.'

He asks me whats on my mind, and at first, I say nothing.

No, too obvious of a lie.

Nothing I can put my fingers on.

Ah, that's a lie he'll buy.

He buys it, and goes to bed. Single, hard, cold kiss.

As soon as he's upstairs, the tears start leaking out. I straighten up the kitchen briefly (I've set up recycling bins - why can't/won't he use them?) and come to write.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to handle the not giving a fuckness.

I'm pretty sure I'm overly emotional, but.

Ah.

It'll officially be six months in exactly a week.

That just struck me.

Ah, Kendra child, what will you do with yourself and him?

And, I'm debating if I even want to be a midwife anymore - which doesn't help me, any.

And that letter is still sitting heavy on my head.

Am I being too too?

I don't know.

But I do know that I will sit here long enough to stop my tears, do my oilpulling, braid, then rinse my hair, take a shower, and dry off to go to bed with a smile.

At least, I know he won't want sex.

The question is, will he even touch me at all?

10:36

The hilarity that is my product stash!!!

I started with all the stuff I rarely use, and my more used stuff is at the bottom

I've never used either of these on my hair, but they are SUPPOSED to be for hair (the lighter is to seal the ends of fake twists/braids)




The Empty bottles, tubs, and jars for my custom mixes....




The stuff I could use, but almost never do....




Mystery concontions.....



The stuff from my previous hair life (ie, stuff I NEVER use)



Now, for the stuff I actually USE on a regular basis

My pitiful collection of hair 'toys'




My stash of butters:




My stash of oils:



Herbs (there is a huge pack of Fo-Ti powder under all that... and I forgot to pull the henna out of the freezer to add to this), and that lush thing is Caca Rouge



The 'chemicals'




My essentials...I didn't grab the carrot oil I use in my hair, and my Elasta conditioner is in the next pic......



And finally - the parade of conditioners - this was all that I had in the house, minus 3 or 4 bottles that I left in the bathtub.




Ahh, the joys of a PJ! And this is the stuff I just had on hand - I'd add another 10-12 products that I tried, ran out of, and never brought again - and stuff that I haven't restocked on, like HoneyHemp, and the food stuffs I use in my hair (honey, lime, coconut milk) that I didn't take a picture of.....

Seriously? June 20th? Holy cow!!!!

Urm, okay, lets start with comparison pictures (I'll update the photo thread with these as well)

Now:




Then: (Nov 2006)





Lovely, isn't it? *happysigh*

I haven't really been doing much new with my hair - I've been hennaing every month, and HLC'ing whenever I feel like it. :lol: Urm, I haven't trimmed in a while, and it doesn't really need it, based on how it acted in twists. Still using the same products.......

I'm really boring, in other words. I'm going into the more shedding/slower growing period, and I'm considering a topical potion to charge up my temples (yes, another one) because honestly - that's the ONLY part of my hair that I'm anything less than totally pleased with.

I'd like to put my hair in yarn twists for most of the winter, but I'm being a lazy git, and not only haven't found the yarn, I also haven't praticed one bit (though I've stalked MANY a fotki).

I've been hanging around LHCF for the last few days out of boredom, and it's inspiring in me a vibe to try some new stuff, mix up some stuff out of the ingredients I already have.

I actually need to go back through my journal and IDENTIFY some stuff - I have no clue what some of my mystery mixes are.

Okay. I'm heading home, but I'm going to post a pic entry once there.....

Would I Lie to you??

So.... a couple of days (week?) ago, I posted the lovely Hair & Lies entry. Here's the results......

 

Everybody gets to ask me 3 questions. They can be about anything.

Two of them I will answer honestly.

The answer to one of them will be a complete fabrication.

Then you get to guess which one is the lie.

Set 1:
a) Who is your favorite admin of any message board? Robin, of course! *lol*
b) How did you meet C? At a strip club
c) What is your favorite baby name? Anjali

Set 2:
a) are you bi? Yes
b) how many siblings? none
c) how many kids do you want? 7

Set 3:
a) What is your worst 'vice'? Lying
b) What is your favorite book of ALL TIME? Dune
c) Who is your hero or heroine? Beverly Guy

So.

Which is lie, which is truth, hrrrrrmmmmm??

 

---

 

In other news, Heeellllooo Fall! Apparently, once August is done, it's Fall's turn, and Fall has stepped up with a vengence. 60° at 8:30am??? WTF? I'm so not ready! I'm still wearing flipflops and gauze!! Noooooooo!!

Though, one nice thing about fall, and the cooler weather, is that I'm EVER so much more industrious - my eyes start wandering around the house and myself, looking for things that I can work on. Yes, winter is MY busy time, and summer is one loooonnnnggg siesta.

This weekend, I'm tackling the garage. Our gym is mostly set up (I'm waiting on the treadmill, and I need to find a cheapie TV) but everytime I walk through the garage, I get the heebiejeebies, and the oh my gods, what the fuck IS that - so, yes, MUST clean out the garage. Most of it is old stuff that Mr. Wilson left behind, some of it is our stuff, and a lot of it is dead bugs. *shudder*

I was thinking about it last night, and then started thinking about what I would wear (scarf, long pants, long sleeved shirt) and I realized that a long sleeved tshirt would be about perfect - but I don't own one, and don't plan on owning one.

See, I have this thing about clothes. I'm a fat girl, no getting around that, and personally, I feel even fatter when I'm in - slouchy clothes. Teeshirts are toppers on my list of slouchy clothes - I wear them before I go to bed/around the house - and even rarely then. I just - I feel sloppy in them, and as I feel like most people who look at a fat person automatically think they are sloppish, I'm not trying to feed into/buy into that attitude. Annnyhhhooowww, I started thinking about what else I could wear that would fit that same general 'ideal' - light, not wrinkly, comfy, cheap, easy to clean - and it hit me! I need a kameez.

So, I drifted off to sleep daydreaming about the perfect kameez, and how I'm going to sew most of my clothes this winter (bugger, that reminds me, I MUST send off that woman's patterns tomorrow!)

Anyhow.

In addition to cleaning the garage, I want to try to put in yarn twists. I've been avoiding it, because I know how long it takes me to twist my hair, and I suspect it's going to take me even longer with the learning curve, and I really most likely need a full empty weekend (if ya know what I mean) in order to do that, and I REALLY should have done it over the Labor Day weekend (and dammit, I need to find that yarn) and blahblahblah.

I figure it HONESTLY shouldn't take me more than 18 hours. And I can squeeze 18 hours out - esp. if I prep my hair on Friday night. So, I'm thinking - prep hair on Friday night, clean garage on Saturday, finish hair prep Saturday night, do twists on sunday. Of course, I also run the risk of having to go to work with some crazy looking hair, but thats what headwraps are for. *lol*

Urm, house, hair - ah, yes, womb.

I'm still bleeding. *sigh* Tis day *think* 25? I think....but at least it's slowing up - I should be leakage free by the weekend - praise all that is sweet, holy and merciful. Thankfully, it's been a very - easy - bleed, this  go around. No cramps, no headaches, no rashes,  just a woman and her cup. *lol* I almost kinda sorta want to STILL be bleeding tomorrow, so that I can freak the accupunturist out - who has been horrified at the length of my bleed for - oh, since the first visit - what, two weeks ago? *shrug* What can I say? My body needs to get rid of it, I'mma let it get rid of it. I feel fine, and I'm not bothered by it (though, I SHALL enjoy having 'neat' sex, ooh, yes I shall!) and while it's PISSING me off as far as TTC'ing goes - if I trust my body, I trust my body. And, as it's an annovulatory bleed ANYHOW, it's gonna be abnormal. If I was doing this after a normal cycle (ie, not a 60 day one) I would be fffffreaking out.

It's interesting to me, how Fall tends to me more of a time of change than spring is. I get into ALL my major - my life sucks, and this is how I'm going to fix it ACTIONS in the Fall. Springtime, I'm just so damn happy it's not winter anymore, nothing in my life sucks, therefore I have no reason to change anything. *lol*

Urm.

Yes, that's about it. I'm actually NOT going to talk about work, this go around. I've had a mostly pleasant week, so yeah.

Toodles!

---

I are Nerd

Okay, I haven't even FINISHED taking the test, and I must say - this is the hardest. question. EVER.

Fuckkkk. ME!

If you could only pick ONE of the following items in the next six groups, which would it be? (i.e. by picking the ONE, you can no longer have/possess the others, EVER)
...Group 1...
a)Your collection of books
b)A computer
c)Your DVD collection

*weeps* But - it didn't say you couldn't USE one. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's it.

Anyhow.

Here's the test.

NerdTests.com says I'm a Cool High Nerd. What are you?

Rock on, with the coolness, and the highness. I am Duchess Nerd, ya'll.

Quick Fun Facts:

36.6% of all test takers would choose the Internet over sex, and
29.2% of married test takers prefer the Internet over sex.

*ROFLMAO*

---

And, in sadder news - Madeline L'Engle is dead. I think the next book I will pick up to read will be one of hers - and they are shortish, so I might squeeze it in before I finish all the books I'm reading.

Hair & Lies

OK, here's the deal.

Everybody gets to ask me 3 questions. They can be about anything.

Two of them I will answer honestly.

The answer to one of them will be a complete fabrication.

Then you get to guess which one is the lie.

Heheheee.....

 

---

 

And, after the many demands, here is a bad picture of my hair.  I should have taken it on Monday or Sunday, or something. *laugh* By the end of the week, it's fuzzy & full. The red & black picture is a comparison of my hair in twists in - November, I think.  It's hard to really see the huge difference in thickness of the twists, I think, but it's very easy to see/feel IRL..... It's about the same length at this point as it was in Nov - but without all the dyed & fried ends - which is a HUGE part of the added thickness....

          

*frowns at face*

I think I've gotten fatter.

 

Shit & Sunshine

I always start by saying I don't have much to say, and then ramble on for three or four screens, so...I'mma be honest with myself and you and say I don't know what the hell I'm gonna say, but the fingers felt like typing.

Let's see.

My cat died. Mauled by a dog, apparently. Thank all the heavens, C found him while I was out of town as I might have plain out lost my mind. With the wee bit of distance NOT discovering him provides, I just leak occasionally.

 

I'm ever so glad I decided to play with my camera a few months ago and get some semi-good pictures of him. *tear* I'mma miss my furry little fatboy.

There. That's the misery out of the way.

Can you BELIEVE it's almost SEPTEMBER? *goggles* Holy shit, seriously, what happened to the year? I can feel fall peeking around the corner - the morning sunlight is - different. And the birds are starting to flock. And praise all that is holy, the mosquitos are starting to be a little LESS - biting.

I'm still vaugely irked at the assholes of the world, but I've been - withdrawing - in general, lately. I suspect I'm sliding gently into one of my 'fuck the world' phases (slowly, says she) and I'm quite alright with it. Or, maybe just one of my Screw you guys, I'm going offline moments. Yes... that might be more accurate.

Still not pregnant. Roughly five months, the start of roughly my fifth cycle (3rd, really, as the last one and one at the start of spring were annovulatory). I'm still decidedly dragging my feet about seeing a doctor, because, well, I don't want a doctor involved. *shrug* I've got an accupunturist appt. on Friday, and they have a TCM practioner there too. Yeah, I'll drink a nasty ass mixture of herbs and berries before I'll pop a pill. What can I say, I've become much more - fuck the system - lately.
Okay, not quite fuck the system, but I question EVERYTHING. I'm a doubtful, doubtful, downright suspicious Nellie.....and - I don't know. I'm listening to myself, and there is no fear just DEEP aversion.

Still gainfully employed. *pullshairgently* Speaking of which, my hair is doing wonderful, amazing, fabulous things - I need to pull out my camera and take a picture before it gets all muddled up again. It's growing like a weed, it is, and has gotten amazingly thicker, as well.

C is still working at the same place! Almost 9 months! It won't truly be a record til he breaks 2 years though, and he's already starting to get restless. *bangs head against wall* There are oftentimes - many times - that I wonder if me not being pregnant yet is a good thing.

But I was told to stop sending mixed bloody messages.

But I don't know how to accept it, and to accept that there ain't no good reason for it. I mean..... *sigh* I do try to force everything into something logical. *snort* You would think, 20 odd plus years of being on this planet, I would have grapsed the utter futility of that in certain situations. You WOULD think.

House is still wonderful, though the back half is starting to turn into a jungle. Garden finally gave up the ghost - I had a realllly crappy dirt mix. *sigh* But, each year is a lesson learned, and thank all the heavens that we aren't RELYING on it yet.

Hrm. What else?

I'm taking (asslaggingdragging, more accurately) a Homeopathy 101 course. I suck, as I jsut got the books over the weekend. I'm also still going to First Realm class, which had a high point in usefulness a few weeks ago, and since then have just been - blech. *shrug* It's okay though, as I'm not certain what I supposed to be learning, so whatever I'm learning is good enough. My shrine has been sadly, sadly, sadly neglected.
I'm a very bad little pagan. Or am I? What is the judgement of a good/bad pagan, as there are no books of dogma, and even if there were, they most likely wouldn't apply to my path.
At least I was wise enough to stay away from opened statues.
Gaaahd, I can't wait to quit.

Long weekend! I am 'working from home' on Friday, since my appt. is early in the day, then a friend is coming a visiting (must run that past the boy, and get him to help me with the futon), and then Monday is a holiday AND I took Tuesday off too, cuz I fucking rock like dat.

Only leaves me 3 days (I think) left for the rest of the year, but *shrug* whatever.

Haven't done a blessed bloody thing in the house for a while - we need to come to a consensus on whether the kitchen is 'done' - if so, I have many bottles to wash and rearrange. And why do boys think that 'cleaning' a room leaves room for dirty shit still left piled up in the corner of the room? A clean kitchen means CLEAN - not one with all the bloody pots & pans and other icky stuff your dainty fingers are far too fragile to wash still left heaped on the counter. That. Isn't. CLEAN. I'm far too tempted to throw many of them out. Faaaarrr too tempted.

I need to be sewing. And painting. And installing. And leveling. And weeding. And other useful type shit around the house, but instead I go home, pop right back online (I'm trying to catch up on a yahoogroup with 41K+ posts - from the START) and read and absorb and relax, somewhat. Or sleep. Oh, sleep is SO wonderful - esp. when it's hot.

Hrm.

I think my brain has run out of random things to spew. I'm averaging about 3 times a month now, eh?

I try to visit almost daily, but I'm about as crappy of a noter as I am a poster.

I am the Batman! *whirls cape and vanishes dramatically*

6:48

I swear, a few minutes ago, I sat here and FELT my cervix move. I couldn't tell what it was doing - it felt like I was pushing out a clot of some sort - that slow, rich feeling? but it didn't feel - heavy and wet like a clot would.

Still being paranoid, I went into the bathroom, and wiped, and checked my CP.

My cervix is so high - it felt like a fucking cavern in there - I couldn't even reach it - using a single finger!

And the CM? Thick, creamy, only a little bit, and a whitish color - maybe with the FAINTEST hint of yellow.

Oh wow, I so think I'm pregnant. *crossesfingers*

I've been putting it off - but I realized I won't be able to test til Monday, as I won't be here Sunday morning.

And, it would be bittersweet and nice to go to E's birthday party and have it be the last party of me as a single being - and KNOW it.

*deepbreath*

And ya know, either way - if I am, or if I'm not - I'm going to WANT to party - in one case to grieve and forget, in the other case to celebrate and welcome.

*wiggle*

*sigh*

I really think that I will love being pregnant.

6:53

Wolves

I'm not the kind to get ANGRY, really. Anger is a - foreign feeling for me, most of the time. Now, I'm not saying that I have never been angry in my life - oh, no, I've been ragingly, blindingly, FURIOUSLY angry - but it's usually because of a totally over the top violation of the interpersonal agreement someone has made with me.

I don't LIKE being angry. It hurts, and it's pointless, and while a good string of cuss words can release a little steam, real anger twirls and twines in my belly and starts to eat ME up.

Frustrated, though? Oh, yes, I think I live most of my life frustrated. That the driver ahead of me isn't moving fast enough. That my coworkers are idiots. That people online are asses. That DH doesn't see dirt. That I still haven't won the lottery.

I think the difference - at least for me - is that frustration prompts ME to change, whereas anger makes you want to force the other to change. And ya know, one of the things I do know is that there ain't shit that I can do to FORCE someone else to change who doesn't want to - as nice as it would be to think that a raging, ranting, cussing streak at someone would make them be less (or more) whatthefuckever - it's totally unrealistic.

And, ya know, I would have thought that MOST people would be aware of that by now - at least the people of an age to be parents, ya know? Esp. the ones who are trying to be non-angry, non-yelling, non-hitting, parents..... I would expect for them to have gone through the transition of anger -> frustration, and to have learned ways to constructively use that energy to encourage change.

But, I see (and have seen, and am very sad to see) that in general, it's not the case. Not sure if it's the 'mob mentality'. Not sure if some people LIKE being angry, LIKE being mean, LIKE being so self-centered that only THEIR way of thinking is acceptable/hearable/worthy, and anything that challenges that is to be stomped upon and put out of it's misery ASAP.

And it makes me sad, it does. It really, really, really does make me sad.

Because - ya know, because of my transition of anger -> frustration, the energy that I would have put into my anger, I can now use to give the benefit of the doubt. Being frustrated/confused is a lot less stressful than being angry, and it clouds the mind much less, and with that extra energy and extra clarity I can think about what's been said/done, and examine things from the others POV, and be able to ask the RIGHT questions to understand if anger is even a valid response to the situation - and suprisingly enough, not only is it RARELY the right answer to a situation, MOST of the fucking time, it makes the situation WORSE.

And to ME - finding out where other people are authentically at is exciting! It's enjoyable. I like understanding people, and understanding where they are truly coming from, and understanding whether they are TRULY assholes, or if they are just misunderstood, or if they are just not as facile with words as I might be.

And from there - still with the energy I've conserved by not flying off the handle - I can decide how I want to use my time and energy further.

There are several places that I frequent, and where I know that certain people are just unconvertable assholes. I've given them a chance, I've put myself in their shoes, I've asked questions, and yup - you're an asshole. And ya know what? I don't rail against them for being an asshole - whats' the point? If they haven't becoe less of an asshole by NOW - ain't no shit I type gonna change that.

Thankfully, I don't live with you, live near you, work with you, nor am I forced to respond to everything (or anything) you say - and in fact, I can step back, and just shake my head at the rampant assholery, send a little sympathy to the people who do HAVE to deal with you, and move on.

Is that SERIOUSLY an act of wisdom, or just plain fucking common sense?

Seriously, ya'll?

I'm SOOOOOO confused. And tired. Anger makes me tired. And 95% of the time, it's SO fucking petty and SO fucking pointless and the main people who are FEEDING the fucking anger are the same ones bitching about the negative energy.

*pulls hair out of head*

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?

I mean.......................okay. Maybe it's just that anger trumps logic. Maybe people are tired, and stressed, and feel like anger is their only outlet to get out the feelings they are repressing about everything else in their life. Maybe they take things out on the strangers on the other side of the screen because it's 'easy', and it appears to have no effect on the angry person. Maybe it's some hormonally related release of cortisol - a good tearing down of someone else leaves you feeling more relaxed and in control of the life that you actually have. Maybe it's that some people don't know how to express their feelings without being purposefully cruel - though, it's sad if your default setting is 'mean as shit'.

Though, I can't quite understand how the venom that you spew in one area CAN'T affect you, and your life as a whole - I mean, how can you be so cruel in one minute, and then turn around and be loving and kind and generous to your family the next? Isn't that a wee bit psychotic to be able to split your feelings that way? A little Eight Faces of Eve?

Or, maybe, it's that the persona - the words/actions - of people online aren't 'really' them. Maybe most people are reversed from me - where I am the person that I feel is MOST authetically me online, and I put up various facades to people offline - online is safe, for me. Maybe it's because it automatically puts people an arm length away - and from an armlength away, it's much harder to stab me in the back (or in the heart) than it is from right beside me.

I don't know.

All I know is, it gets on my fucking nerves. Sweet Mother of us all, how LONG does it take people to grow UP? And dear god, if this is how the people who DON'T believe in yelling/hitting their kids act towards other adults, I only shudder to think of what the parents who DO believe in yelling and hitting are like - and the kind of vicious, angry people they are raising.

This is why I'm a hermit. Seriously. People are fucking insane - wolves slavering over a feast of dark emotions.

 

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There was a grandfather, his little grandson often came in the evenings to sit at his knee and ask the many questions that children ask.

One day the grandson came to his grandfather with a look of anger on his face.

Grandfather said, "Come, sit, tell me what has happened today."

The child sat and leaned his chin on his Grandfather's knee. Looking up into the wrinkled, nut brown face and the kind dark eyes; the child's anger turned to quite tears, and he told his story of mean boys taunting him and stealing a new possesion.

Once he finished the tale, the boy's anger returned, and he shouted -  "I hate them, I hate them all!"

The Grandfather, with eyes that have seen too much, lifted his grandson's face so his eyes looked into the boys. Grandfather said, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

"But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me, one is white and one is black. The White Wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. But will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

"But, the Black Wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.

"Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy, looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes, and asked, "Which one wins Grandfather?"

The Grandfather, smiled and said, "The one I feed."

 

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Please. For the sake of yourself, your family, your children, our world, your life - please, stop feeding the wrong fucking wolf. K? Thnx!

 

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