review, troops long past review....

So....actually had a rather good weekend - lots of snuggles and cuddles and kisses - but still no sex. I feel like I'm warming up to it though - I really wish this damn triage nurse would call be back. Thank heavens I'm not in serious/desparate need.

So - I figured that I would list all of my sexual partners (in order, as much as I can). It's actually been a long while since I've done that - I've actually lost track of how many folx I've done the deed with - I'm doing to include sexual contact of any kind (oral, anal, vaginal) as being 'valid' so to speak.

---

High School

1) Devon - the first, the guy I lost my virginity too. Bad boy, but got to be a little too bad for me - after a certain point, I refused to deal with his self-destructive tendencies.

2) Daz - high yellow honey. We dated, had sex (I lusted after his brother), and he was the first 'older' guy. He fell in love with one of my good friends - and I was pissed, but got over it rather quickly.

3) Toddie - first guy I knew who died in gang-related violence. Sucked his dick late one night in my mom's house, as I had been crushing on him for years. He came really fast and totally ruined my crush.

4) Harrison - one of my best friends ex - we crept around behind her back for a LONG time (after they had broken up). Last I heard (about two or three years ago) she's still mad at me over that one.

5) Alfred - my first 'real' boyfriend (as in, the first one I introduced to my mother). He was obsessed over me, and taught me that tears from a man is no reason to renig on the breakup. He was my first anal experience - and to only be 17, the boy knew what he was doing. I broke up with him firmly and finally the first week I was in college.

College

6) Mike - my first college boyfriend - reminded me a LOT of Alfred, size wise. He was a pathological liar though, and played with me & another girl for most of our four years in college. Me and the other girl hated each other on sight - before we even knew he was sleeping with both of us.

7) James - Mike's good friend - I bounced between the two of them for most of my college years. He was a supreme dork, and the only man (thus far) to get me pregnant.

8) Joy - my first female experience. She was amazing shy, and it was both of our first time - I liked her, didn't like her boobs.

9 & 10) T&T - the couple I hooked up with a swung with. Never HAD sex with Taylor (the male half) because that was against their couple rules - but I sure as hell wanted to, and he wanted me too. Tasha - I dated, fell in and out of love with.

11) Q - boy I met online. Only hooked up with him once - sucked his dick. Eh.

12) Mike (a different one) - had the tinest dick I'd EVER seen. I mean, damn. *LOL* I always thought he was gay, as the only way he could get it up was doggy style. Or maybe he just thought I was ugly.

13) Jeremy - 12 years older, acted like an incestuous uncle. Through him I ran into the APC - but he was so possesive that I only had sex with two other guys the whole year and a half I ran with them.

14) Terrell - dumb ass ex-con - did a threesome with him & Jeremy.

15) Antonio - Jeremy's best friend - sucked his dick with his girlfriend to prove a point.

16) Tony - He was such a sweetie - I met him at a club, and he sweet talked me home. Everytime I went back, I hoped to run into him.

17) Mohammed - fine ass Iraqi dude I met at a club. Went back to his hotel and had funky sex with him.

18) The cabbie who took me to Mohammed's hotel - yup, left M's hotel, went back to mine with the cabbie. He sucked.

19) Samson - fine ass Egyptian dude - freaky as hell - the one who treated me like a little slut. Lied through his teeth about EVERYTHING. Met him once, randomly ran into him at another club. Fabulous sex both times.

20) Abdul - dude who's room I left crying. I THINK we had sex, but I was so damn drunk, I don't really remember.

21) Ishmael - tall, funny looking african dude who refused to let me come. I got sick of it, made myself come, and snuck out of his apartment once he fell asleep. Swiped the necklace he let me wear, and still wear in on occasion. Always gives me a little chuckle.

22) Zayil - sweet african guy (the african tended to be REALLY sweet). Fed me breakfast and smoked fifty million cigs with me.

23) Paul - coworker of mine, I never HAD sex with him, though he did 'invite' me over to his apartment and try to convince me to do the deed. He gave me one of the best professional recommendations I've ever gotten.

24, 25 & 26) Swing Club dudes - one got me off sucking my nipples, another fingered me for like 5 HOURS straight, and another one ate me out. I fucked none of them.

27, 28, & 29) Various men & women I encountered at swing parties with T&T. It may have been more than three - but I know it was at least three.

30) Random Guy - met him online, convinced him to come over and fuck me. It was - odd.

31) Random Guy #2- dude from the bus stop - my 'oh shit' sexual encounter.

32) Marvin - despite having a stupid name, this was a fine, tall, skinny, black cop. Watching him strip out of his uniform - possibly the sexiest thing EVER.

Post - College

33) Hubby - my husband. Had sex with him on our first date. Still having sex with him on occasion.

34) Angie - thick white girl who 'pretended' to be bi. In other words, she recieved, and never gave - heifer. She had a sweet pussy though.

---

Damn!! That list ended up being MUCH longer than I expected it to be. Hmm....10 years, roughly 34 people - roughly 3 people a year. I'm pretty sure I'm missing some though - at least one or two other girls in college, and heaven knows I'm missing some more of the college/swing club people - I had sex at LEAST twice each visit, with different people.

That was actually - rather interesting. Hmm.....I'll add to this list as others pop into my head.

Starting Over

Those first two entries were pulled from elsewhere, but I suppose I should start from the beginning. Who knows how long it's going to be before I can actually get an appointment with the woman, and maybe by the time we make it, I won't need it anymore.

My sexual history: I was always interested in sex - I can remember sneaking books off of my parents shelves - Everything you wanted to know but were too afraid to ask about SEX! Some book about a woman using her sexual prowess to basically start to rule Congress. Where babies come from - all of it by the age of ten. It was fascinating to me, and gave me warm giggly goosebumply feelings. I was fascinated with other peoples sexual organs - but mostly in a very - clincal kind of way. My earlist sexual memory was about 4 or so - me and a girlfriend exploring each others parts under the bedsheets during a sleep-over.

Even as I got older (I stopped around 13), and KNEW it was wrong (and oh, the feelings of guilt I carried around over THIS one) I would 'explore' the private bits of the babies I babysat - I don't remember feeling aroused - just - curious. My mother was a nurse, and very blunt about sex. She told me about everything there was to know, and gave me the rundown about everything you could get - diseases & babies - and everything you couldn't get - real love - from sex. She caught me & a 'boyfriend' messing around one day, and promptly took me to the clinic for birth control pills the next day. I was 15. I lost my virginity at 17 - I met the boy at my best friends 16th birthday party. He was my first 'real' boyfriend, and I thought his badboy persona was about the sexiest thing ever. I didn't have sex with him to 'prove' something, or to make him love me (as he was already obsessed) I was just - curious about what the hoopla was about. And after it was over (rather funny - and not at all painful), I remember walking home shrugging my shoulders, trying to figure out what the big deal was.

I had various sexual encounters in high school - had sex in a park (same boy I lost my virginity with) sex in a boyfriends house (the one my mom caught me with - FINALLY actually did the deed), sucked dick in my mom's living room (another bad boy I was desparate to impress), had anal sex (we were out of condoms and he was really horny - needed LOTS of vaseline - and it actually wasn't too bad - he was obsessed with me too) - and all in all - thinking back on it - I'd say I had sexual encounters with definitely 4, maybe 5 boys in the year and a half before I graduated from high school. It was never really something I WANTED - it was just something I did - something I was talked into, something I gave in to.

In college, for the first 3 years or so, I had sex with two boys - one was my boyfriend freshman and junior year (M) - a huge block of a man, sexy as hell but a consistant liar, and the other, who was an absolute sweetie, but had about as much sense (and desire to actually freaking GRADUATE) as a cat has for taking a bath (J). I enjoyed sex, certainly, but I can never remember really - WANTING it. It was more of a path to - companionship, friendship, and despite all my momma had told me, a shortcut to love.

The last two years of college I like to call my 'slutyears'. I went all out - started cheating on M with a man and a woman, having finally decided that I had to stop 'talking' about being bi and figure out if I really was (yes, and still am). I found the wonderful world of the internet - and being in a major metropolitan city, I found PLENTY of people who were interested in a lil sumthin sumthin. Looking back on it, I think I was lost, lonely, suffering from depression and severely stressed, and offering myself sexually was how I got some 'relief' from the constant decision-making of the rest of my life. I joined a 'swing group' that had regular parties, and was actually crowned 'Best Dicksucker of 1999'. I partied like sex was about to be outlawed.

I came to a screeching halt when I picked up a dude at a bus stop, and let him fuck me in an alley way. That was when it hit me that this behavior was unheathly, dangerous, and likely to get me somewhere I really didn't want to be. I slowed down some, but still hung out with the sexual friends I had made in my slutyears - and actually starting dating one - T. I was the other layer of girl bread in her & her husband's swinging life, and as they went through a divorce, we fell in love. With her was the first time I ran into the 'not interested in sex' wall. We were together about six months, and literally, I'd rather clean the bathroom than have sex with her. It wasn't that I didn't love her (I did, but not nearly as much as she loved me) - I just wasn't interested.

We finally broke up - mostly because she, like a lot of lesbians (she finally gave up the bi label after he divorce) wanted to rush into marriage/living together/settling down - and I hadn't even graduated from college yet, and simply wasn't interested. I was actually approaching cheating on her with one of my boyfriends from college (J), and ended up getting pregnant the first time we had sex after I broke up with T.

I was miserable, furious with myself for having unprotected sex (we used a condom, but I wasn't on the pill anymore - dating a girl for 8 months would do that to you), furious at him for being utterly unwilling to even consider being a father, furious at life for sending me such a fucked up curveball. I love children, but then (and even now) was unwilling to have a child until I was ready. I was depressed, sad, and had the worst case of 1st trimester exhaustion ever - on top of the stress of taking senior finals. I had an abortion on Good Friday 2000, at 11w5days - two days before it would have been illegal to terminate, and as I walked out of the clinic, a huge weight lifted off of me - and a very simple, very cautious realization settled on me. EVERY man I had sex with could be the father of my child. Every. Single. One. Pill, sponge, condom, IUD, whatever - it didn't matter. The human race is DESIGNED to procreate, and well, shit happens.

I graduated (barely), got a new job in a new city, and basically ran as far as I could away from everything that I had gone through in the last 6 months. It took me close to a year to totally forgive myself, 3 years to forgive him, and I met the man who I would marry Labor Day, 2000. I hadn't had sex for close to 7 months, and he introduced me to weed, and every scrap of repressed sexual desire sprung out of me. In the first 3 months of our relationship, we had sex almost every which way imaginable - I wouldn't do anal, and I wasn't all that crazy about sucking dick - but the powertrip that I got off of it got me over the power loss that I felt doing it. We had sex almost every night, and I came in wild gushes. We had sex three or four times most weekends, doing nothing but lay in bed, and have sex. That was the last time we had a sexual relationship that fully satisfied him.

We both hated condoms, and after having been declared 'clean', and knowing that we were exclusive, I got on the Pill, and my sex drive literally went through the floor. We almost broke up several times, because I simply wasn't interested in having sex. I cried, we had screaming matches, but we both KNEW that each other was something seriously worth holding onto, and we worked our way through it. I got off the Pill (after a particularily emotionally painful discussion that ended up with me sobbing in the corner of a room), and got an IUD June 2001. Despite all of our troubles - and I guess the clear signs that THIS would be an issue, he asked me to marry him Thanksgiving Day, 2001. I gleefully said yes. We got married a little less than 3 years later, on April Fools Day, 2004.

Our sexual relationship has gone down the hill since. I've actually lost weight (close to 70 pounds), and while he's even more attracted to me, I could go for months - literally - without even once THINKING about having sex.

I'm an imaginative girl, and I've tried to pretend like he's someone else - that's worked once or twice. I've tried to create my own little fantasy inside my head - that's never worked. I've tried to have HIM treat me like a cheap little slut - and I get pissed off because the power in our relationship is too evenly distributed for me to get off on that. We've screamed, cried, threatened to leave, thrown stuff, stopped talking, stopped having sex, read books, watched shows - and 3 months later, I look up, and he's upset because we haven't had sex in 3 weeks.

Finally, (as I wrote in the first entry in this diary) I've caved. I've tried to tell myself that maybe I'm just NOT a sexual person - I love touching, and being touched, and being loving and huggy and physically affectionate - but sex turns me off. I've tried to convince myself that there's something wrong with HIM, not with me. I've tried to defiently ignore his moods, and the fact that to him sex IS love. And - I can't do it anymore. I love him too much to put US through this kind of pain. So I give. I yield. I lay down my pride and my determination - and if that damn triage nurse EVER calls me back - I'm going to start therapy. Because. It just ain't right.

With all that said - I don't think that she'll be able to do anything for me. For once, I hope that a doctor listens to my symptoms and prescribes a pill that just makes me randy. It's not that I don't LIKE sex. It's not that I don't come when we have sex. It's just that - I'm plain not INTERESTED. It's - ugh. It's kinda like cleaning the litter box - something that you KNOW has to be done - but I'll put it off until the stink is just unbearable.

Creeping Heart

Whoo…. That was fun… the world of point & click is amazing… it is kinda odd tho.. to have almost doubled the number of entries in a single day…. Ah well… I have coasted past the 100th entry…. So I guess my next goal is 200. Woo hooo… .

I am feeling kinda off balance.. I want to push everyone away because I feel… I feel like a creeper vine who is about to bloom and I want to be sure that the people I have around are people that I am willing to really really and truly love. I don’t know… I feel like I’m opening up and ready to let folx in.. *sucks in breath* I think…at least for now… I’m ready to fall in love again.

My heart
like a creeper vine
reaches out
to you
can I hold you close
kiss your eyelids like petals
listen to your heart beat
can I fall for you
fall into you
and stay immersed in you
for a lifetime
will you come with me
for a season
for a reason
for a lifetime
where are you?
who are you?
that calls out to my heart so sweetly
that makes me want to cry
and sing love songs
I’m here
I’m ready
I’m waiting for you to come back to me
and love us forever

I called Little One’s (MJW) house yesterday… and hung up because I was so nervous. My stomach did triple somersaults…in perfect time to the racing of my heart. Me & nee had a nice long chit chat fest..and she really helped me. *sighs* I have finally figured out WHY I was so hurt…. His..actions…of the past year slapped me in the face with the realization that I am not as important to him as he is to me…and that I am just another friend…if even that. *winces* and finding out that the man who you have loved forever and a day (as Nee says… since sperm & egg) doesn’t even consider a very important friend.. *shivers* it’s kinda ugly…but that is all hypothetical… cuz I don’t know how he treats the important people in his life. *sighs* So… I am gonna grab my ovaries…and ask him. Flat out. What value he puts on our relationship...friendship…whatever the hell you want to call it. *sucks in breath* SO I will hopefully find out…for either good or bad or neutral…and I know that I won’t collapse forever.. I will be hurt.. and bruised and my heart will want to scream ahh fuck it all…but after a while I will heal…and I will leave him behind. But at the same time.. I don’t think that will happen…*laughs* I think that Nee knows something that she won’t tell me… *sighs* ah well..

I got the full news on CAK & his girlfriend.. *sighs* it is weird… this is the first time I have really been in this position of seeing someone that I am in love with be with someone else… I mean.. I have been in love with one person and WITH someone else quite a few times… but this is the first time that I am on the other side of that fence. And while I wonder how his new/old relationship will change the one that we have… I am happy for him…the women he is with.. he has gone through a lot with her.. and somehow I think that she will be good for him. *sighs* *raised eyebrow* was her name Marnita? *shakes head* that would be ironic & funny and utterly scary… If it was.. I have to go and read over my writings again…

My sexcapades have reached an impasse…I have a chance to get with one of my friends.. and I like him too much to feel really comfy in sleeping with him. I don’t want our friendship/relationship whatever to be bounded by sex..and I feel like sleeping with him would do that. *sighs* but he is such an appetizing little morsel… *laughs* and then since I like him as a friend so much.. I feel like I’m teetering on that edge of falling in love with him...and with me.. sex is a catalyst many a time… I tend to like folx MORE after I have had sex with them.. so if I already like you a lot… and my like leans in the direction of love… *sighs* sex is a deadly thing to add to that…I need to go and do some work…

Stay Jazzed

Location of Conscience

Rain falls.
Wind Blows.
Fire…burns.

All things have their place, their own sphere of life that defines them. Sometimes I wish that I knew WHAT my sphere of life was, what defines me. I could find it in religion I suppose, but it seems that too many religions define me as a baby maker and a silent partner, which does NOT fit my nature. I could find it in a job, but…there are so many things that can be done, my mind boggles at the thought of managing to find the right one. So I’m drifting through life, tying to find my ‘niche’ My place, where I can best work my magic and feel my joy.
I used to think that I had skills…in writing and understanding. But I’m not so sure anymore, mainly because I have lost that…flow…that connection to words that made choosing JUST the right phrase almost second nature. I have lost something, that I’m not sure I can get back just by exercising the skill. I don’t know what I will do with myself…today or tomorrow.
I’m not sure if I have talked about this here, before, but I will do it now because I am facing a crisis of conscience. I have a very good friend (I have mentioned him before) called JEH. We were, about two years ago, an ‘item’ We had a great relationship, passionate, fun, serious…on occasion. HE started getting to serious...mentioning that M word and stuff, and I re-fell in Love with MJW. Those processes totally ended any hope of our relationship, but god knows, I remember more fun & good with him than with any of my other men. Annywayy… he has this girlfriend. They met in *thinks* October, and when they met she had a boyfriend. They ‘slept’ together for a while…almost 2 months, before she finally (and only due to MUCH pressure from JEH) broke up with her boyfriend. Mind you, she broke up with him...by having an argument, dropping him off, and never calling him back. *sighs* To continue, he is deeply, deeply in love with her. He wants to marry her. And I think that is all well & great & good. But...the problem is…she is a bitch. *shrugs* not just any kinda bitch, but a crazy one. She has pulled him away from all his friends (female & male) she doesn’t like for her to go out without, she...I won’t say MAKES, but she strongly encourages him to work two jobs so he can cover her bills…*sighs* And all this is going on while he is STILL trying to get out of school. I see abusive patterns written all over this. Emotional ( she throws fits & guilt trips any time she doesn’t get what she wants WHEN she wants it), physical (she slaps, bites & kicks him), verbal (calls him stupid, accuses him of cheating with anything in a skirt) ..and it worries me. *Sighs* but the things is...he is IN LOVE WITH HER. And I know, from previous experience, the love is most definitely blind. And… I don’t know. I want to be like JEH...you REALLLLY might want to break up with her before she breaks your heart……or head. But I know that he won’t take that in the spirit that I would offer it. So I am at a crisis point. I want to say something, but I’m not sure what I want to say or how to say it. I have already offered him a place to stay if she ever decides to kick him out, but.. *sighs* my protector genes are popping up again. I hate to see my friends hurt…by ANYONE…especially when I saw it coming. I want to try to save him from himself & his love basically, and I know it just won’t work like that. So...my crisis (to recap) is… do I say something and risk losing a friend because he isn’t ready to hear it…or do I stay quiet and act as a listening ear that is sympathetic to his agony of decision? SO far I have been doing the whole listening ear thing...and it is working pretty well….*sighs* but I am afraid for him. I am afraid that..something will happen between them that will totally change the kind of man that he is. We women have that power ya know… to completely alter the way one man looks at all of us. And I really don’t want her to even have the CHANCE to exercise that power against him.


Stay Jazzed.

Propping of the Lids

God/ess.. I am soo freaking tired it isn't funny. I had my first threesome last night tho....so that counts for something.... I'm writing this to remind myself to write more about this later...when I can keep my eyes open by themselves. Damn it was good tho..and even in utter exhaustion I can...

Stay Jazzed.

Sweet Sade.....

I didn’t even talk about the job fair. It was kinda cool, the store seems like it will be an interesting place to work… a lot of team work and togetherness and all that. The store doesn’t open until the end of July, and so that gives me plenty of time to do my whole gym thing and get beautiful.. also.. I think that this might be a good job to have once I get back into school…. it will be interesting that is for sure..

Oh….. the guy yesterday?? C.?? He turned out to be a TOTAL gurb. What is a gurb? I goober like bamaish scrub that is what. *shakes head* so clueless and Smoothnessless it was a damn shame… I mean the man asked me if I wanted to play DOCTOR. I mean realllllllllllyyy… aren’t we a little old for that? Anyhow…. I figured out what it is…. he is friends with the dude from ‘Opps did I do that’ and apprently he thinks that he is gonna get a little bit of something something too… *snorts* as if. Like I said.. I MAY be a floozie.. but dammit I won’t fllllllloooooooozzze all over just anybody.

So…. other than that.. yesterday was a peach..today has been simply lovely…. I MAJOR thunderstorm swept through here and I sat on my back step mostly naked (wearing a sari-style wrap) freezing my ass off in the cold rain….. but it felt SOOOOO good. Made me nice and horny too…. nothing like a good rain shower to make a sista want a warm body next to her in bed. *sighs* ah well…. I’m about to go to bed so I can get to work on time tomorrow….as I sleep I will dream of a better sexy me….a me that will ALLLLWAYS be able to….

Stay Jazzed.

J said - Soliloquy

No matter how much you insist to yourself that there is nothing to be ashamed of
nothing that should embarass you

nothing that you can't say


there is always that NEW experience that you simply cannot share...

not for the shame that you feel from having done it

but for the shame that others might try to place on you.


Yeah.

But I'm not ashamed...I think.

I have nothing to be ashamed of. I think.

*smiles* I feel like Eve right after she realized that she was naked. Distinctily ashamed...but not quite sure why. ah well.


*laughs*


J.