purge-a-tory

the lives
the times
the people
perhaps my connections were never too real
too strong
too focused
to be kept.
I don't know
my heart isn't
here
anymore.

I've been on OD for almost *thinks* 4 years pretty consistently - low periods sometimes, high periods other times. Lately - for the past few months in fact - I've mainly been a reader - hardly ever a writer. And - I do want to keep reading - on some occasions - but I feel like I've fallen so far out of so many lives that I don't know if I havethe umph to slide myself back into them. I look at the favorite link for OD, and it's just like - uuugghhh. Guilt/sadness/distance all rolled into one. Maybe I'm too busy - between work and business and home and finally consiously trying to get off my ass and have a life outside of the screen. And the crash did't help - it's actually made the break maybe a little easier.
I think - if anything - I might start over. Dump all of A'ishah - strip down my faves to the bare minimum - and work forward from there. I've got till February to decide - and who knows what might happen by then.
:) Ciao for now.

Collation

I'm having one of those days where every second I spend at work feels like a waste of time. I know there is some useful way for me to spend this time, but I'm not sure what. Once I get my grubby little hands on this website I'm going to be working on that will give me something to distract myself with.

I'm keeping an expense report for every penny I spend. It makes me A LOT more aware of where my money goes. My challenge to myself is to spend as little money as possible each week. We'll see how well it goes.

I am going to cook tonight- the stir fried rice. I didn't get the ingredients for the Rueben casserole because I was at my spending limit, but I will most likely just cook some chicken or something for lunch for the rest of the week instead.

I'm going to start organizing my books as well this week. During the riproaring green silk hunt I went through last night, I ran across a few more books, and I need to finally create a list of books that I own. I signed up for bookcrossings finally, and I want to put up a list of the books I'm willing to share ASAP - I hve my eye on one particular book that I want to read BADLY and there are three copies of them available on BC. So - that's exciting.

I've been rather quiet lately at work - just not feeling a particular desire to talk to my coworkers at all. At lunch, or just in general, I feel like there isn't much that I would want to even discuss with them. I wonder if I am starting to pull away from the people here because I'm changing, or because I know that I will be leaving soon, or what - but I just haven't felt like dealing with them much.

For Easter, we went to spend half the day with Corey's family - and it went really well. I have to wonder if it went so smoothly because we weren't in his grandmothers house. I swear - I hope whoever owns that house after them does a really GOOD cleansing of it. One of my favorite little people was there - Ephraim. He's 11 months old, and an absolute ANGEL. So, I had baby arms all day - and there wasn't even that many comments about me 'praticing'.
I really like children - they are so active and creative and curious and INTELLIGENT. Children don't have nearly the amount of knowledge that adults do, but I swear, most kids are smarter than most adults.

Okay. I've done enough typing for now. I think I'll clean out my files.

Two sides of a single coin...love & pain

I managed somehow to avoid calling MJW this weekend.. oh yeah. I wasn’t HOME. That was it. Me & nee had a lovely long convo about him & me and stuff. *shakes head* she still insists that we WILL get married at some point many many years down the road. My heart can feel that happening… *laughs* but my head can’t. Nee actually understood that I was too afraid of him to really totally open up because I am so much in love with him. And with that level of love, hurt can occur so easy. And he is the kind of person who hurts others without even knowing it. Just as part of himself he wounds and stabs and cuts...and doesn’t really understand how to hug and apologize for it later. *sighs* I am slowly growing towards a point of forgiveness and forgetting…for the year. Mainly because he doesn’t even KNOW what he was doing. IT wasn’t out of maliciousness.. it wasn’t out of dislike…it was just MJW being himself. I don’t know… I guess we are each going through our times and our lives and at some point that will once again walk to same path.

As for me & CAK… *thinks* I think that life has returned to almost normal... I still get flashes of our time together…and I still wish that the time could have been longer...but he is coming down here in August. *grins* when there will be NO one else here. No mommy.. no friends…no Nee. Just me & CAK...*sighs* somehow I think that it will be an interesting(in the best of ways) few days. I have to get the tickets to the concert soon. Like…Thursday. *smiles* As he said…good music.. good fun & a good friend. All I have to do now is cook a good meal and we will be set. *thinks* My feelings flared up to a fever pitch…but now they have settled back down into something steady.

*sucks in breath* I really think I hate email sometimes. *breathes slowly*
My heart hurts. My head hurts. My stomach hurts.
Damn.
I can’t even explain it. I am all off balance and out of whack and just confused. Damn. Oh shit that hurt. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe I’m not getting what he is saying. Maybe I’m tripping. But damn. The hardest thing in the world for me to do is to open up my gut and let everything spill out. I don’t trust easily, and I hurt too easy to do that. And it is even harder for me to keep opening myself up after I have been punched repeatedly. Reading between the lines is a hard thing. Oh shit that hurts…moral authority? Ow. Okay I’m babbling right now.. and I don’t know what I’m saying...but I’m sitting here trying not to cry trying to figure out what just went on there. I sent CAK a very long email detailing the events of the weekend…and I just got his reply and…I don’t know.. I am feeling like a whorish slut in the worst sense of the word. *shudders* I don’t know…but oh that hurts. I can’t even pull out a line and say this… .this here is what hurt. He said he was upset and so he might sound cold but... how much of it was coldness and how much of it was the utter truth finally coming out?
This is why the closer you get to me the less I tell you The closer you are to my heart the fewer protections I have against your thoughts, opinions and words…I become hyper sensitive to every nuance of your tone/word selection. I become open to whatever you offer good or bad. *frowns* and then…*shakes head* damn. That hurts. He called me by an ex-girlfriends name…*frowns* AH! And in that lies the problem…the hurt. I have never had to defend myself against him. I have been able to lay everything before him and never have to worry about being judged and deemed worthy or less than worthy. OW. Now he judges me and damns me in the same breath. With a single word. Ow. I tried to reply to the entire email…(we carry on e-conversations) and couldn’t. I was getting too hurt and too upset and just too overwhelmed. Damn. I had to fold my hand and close off my heart. I might try to reply to it later tonight.. or I might just leave it alone. *takes a deep breath* When I’m hurt I tend to curl up into a tiny ball of emotionlessness...showing nothing...not what is true not what is not. I shun everyone. Damn…*sighs* the hardest thing in the world is going forward when one KNOWS of the pain that can lie ahead…damn…*shakes head* my head hurts. But I have to keep writing. I am NOT going to let this sit inside of me and fester…OW. *sighhhhhhs* I hope it rains…this has just totally rocked my equilibrium. And for really no reason. Damn. I can’t stop writing cuz if I stop writing I’ll start thinking... and I don’ t want to think right now.
Are eyes the windows to the soul
or are they tiny corners of the heart
pulled away and put on display
to exhibit that which you can
not prevent and only remotely
know.

Stay Jazzed.