Catch as catch can......

Hi there.

 

Work: It's busy as hell. I'm playing mental hooky right now as I jsut don't bloody FEEL like writing one more gotdamn test script. I'll get over it soon. Lots of old faces showing back up - it's going to be a fun couple of weeks - if I can keep my sanity. I've realized that I honestly don't like people much. If I'm around a lot of people (esp. if I'm 'ON' and around people) I have to be alone for at least three or four hours - just to decompress. I'm going to be doing a lot of decompressing this month.

 

Home: Eh. The house is a wreck, I'm starting to suspect that I'm the main one cleaning (which is getting nipped in the bloody bud PRONTO jack) and I haven't started packing (or even pre-packing) yet.  I think I'm afraid to clamber into the piles of crap that have invaded my home.

 

Money: Got paid today! Whoho! *snorts* yeah, whatever. Bills, bills, plus I have to hold some money in reserve for the move. *snorts* Paid a couple of IOU's out too - so that's not helping any.  So yes, I'm broke, less than 24 hours after the money hit my account. *shrugs* I'm still going to get my nails done though. I gave myself a pedicure last night, so now it's just the horrendous hands that I need to get worked on. I'm trying to see how long my nails will grow - right now they are about 1/4 inch over my nails bed - and they FEEL enourmously long - so this should be interesting. This is the longest I've ever gone with chipping or breaking one and needing to get new tips, so yeah.

 

Life: I'm considerin running away from home. I know I'm a little old for that - but on my way to work today I got the urge to just KEEP DRIVING. *sigh* I wonder how far I could get with two grand and a smile? Eh. I think I'm a little - weirded out by the fact the the VA project has been pushed back - and no-one is sure for how long it's getting pushed back. So - I feel a little - freer? but a little more stuck at the same time. That means I have to stay HERE for at least what? another year now? And while that fits in really nicely with C'.s plans - what effect (if any) does it have on mine? For once, I don't even care about wanting to plan or thin about the future. Sticking my head in a big-ass pile of sand sounds - almost heavenly right about now.

 

I think I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, tired of planning, tired of being so bloody responsible, tired of being stable and secure and wise and calm and collected and a source of strength. I wanna let everything go and KNOW that there is someone else who will catch it and manage it for at least a little while. I'm tired of having my hands on the reins at work and at home - and I'm tired of feeling like I can't admit or acknowledge that tiredness.  

 

How do parents DEAL with it? I guess that's why the love is there - so that you can at least pretend that even though it''s all on you - you are doing it all for a reason far greater than money or accolades. *sigh*

 

Bleh. I need a vacation from life.