Odd....

This will be my 3rd year going to Daughters, and for some reason this year - I'm totally not into it. I'm not excited, I'm not hyped up like I usually am - I'm - I don't know. I don't know if it's a withdrawal type thing, I don't know if I no longer really feel connected (I don't remember what the last rit I went to was - Imbolc, maybe?) because of my ingrained avoidance of drama and.... I dunno. I'm bleh, about it overall. It's not going to stop me from going - but I don't feel my usual pre-festival high.

Had Realm Class last night - it was just me & MD, which was cool - she told loads of stories - I really like interacting with her. Class was also cut short, because of the severe weather we had blowing through - and because students were so light on the ground.

I've decided to only give myself ONE set of homework every two weeks, instead of two. :) So, this blocks homework will be the letters to myself, my body, and my money.

Speaking of money, C got a job! We are going to act like he doesn't have one though, and funnel all of his checks into paying off the CC's that we've run up. We should be able to knock those out of the water in 5-6 months, easily, and then - well, we'll come to that bridge when we get to it.

I've been thinking about how to look at my job differently, to make it more fun. I doubt that I will ever leap out of bed in the morning, just raring to get here (but I could be wrong), but I do think that I need to do SOMETHING to - heighten my vibrations about this place. I don't know.

One of the things (linked to Realm) that I'm trying to do is that I'm trying to release the - belief/filter that my coworkers don't like me/barely tolerate me/are out to get me. That, I think will be one big - block - for me to overcome in 'assimilating' better.
The other - *sigh* - I don't know. I think that once I stop thinking they hate me, I'll be more comfortable in being a little more aggressive with things.

I just laid out my 'schedule' for this summer, and sheesh!! If I do everything that I would WANT to do, only one weekend in April is booked, every weekend in May is booked, two weekends in June are booked, and a full week is booked in July.

*sigh* I know that I can't/won't/don't want to be running like that. So. I think that I'll limit myself to just local festivals this year. So, no RitFest, no PUF. *sigh* I was sicker than a dog at PUF last year, and RitFest was too fucking hot the year before, so I don't mind sitting those two out. Esp. since PUF is right before Care's baby shower - pffhht!

That'll also help me take fewer days off - I'm not sure how many I have left.

That's better. One weekend in April, two in May, one in June, and vacation in July. *nod* That's MUCH more reasonable.

I think that's about it, for right now. :)

Getting and Being

That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You To Seek was a really, really good book. I'm still thinking about little bits and pieces of it, two days later.

One of the things that they talked about was the difference between GETTING angry and BEING angry.

It that, there is nothing wrong with getting angry - anger is an emotion, just as valid and valuable as love. However, being that anger - holding in inside of you and letting it rule your choices and your thoughts - that's the problematic point. They suggested once you are angry, looking past your anger and identifying the actual root emotion. Anger, really, is a shield of some sort - and without looking past the shield, you'll never just be able to get angry, and let it go.

It's really challenging for me, because first I have to identify the feeling that I'm having AS anger. I'm so used to repressing anger (because I'm zen, you see, and things simply roll off of my back), that when I really am angry - I'm either a firey inferno, or I'm crying - or I'm denying what I'm feeling is anger at all.

Poetgirl commented that once the year mark hits, things start to get really hard, emotionally. I was thinking today (as I was putting in my CP/CM notes) that I'm really tired. I want to run away and hide from this, because emotionally, it's stressing me. It's straining me, and it feels all so hopeless, sometimes. I've promised myself that I will not change anything that I'm doing until after the RE appt - then we might have to reconsider things. More for me, than for him, as I don't even know/think it matters, to him.

Speaking of the RE, their receptionist is smart enough to check with the insurance company BEFORE you come in, and she let me know that our visit will be 361.00 out of pocket. Which, is more than we should be spending (I need to figure out which credit card to put that on), but it's the last medical thing that we'll be doing, except for maybe another SA - so I figure it's worth getting the information. He want's Dr. R to send over my scans from the HSG, so I need to call their office and have them do that today, too.

I don't think I'm angry, though. I don't think what I'm feeling is anger. Disappointment? Sadness? Frustration? Anger? See. Maybe there is, just a little anger in there. I don't know. I regularly examine/talk to myself to see if I'm blaming myself for this - don't think that the thought has gone through my mind several times that I might have killed the only child I was ever going to be able to have. The fact that I got pregnant around the same age as my mom, who only had me, despite YEARS of trying for siblings - horrifies me on a regular basis, but I try to not hold onto it. It slides through, and I marvel at the fact that I would be mother to a seven year old, and then it fades away. But, oh, it's always there.

I don't know. I really just want to let the whole thing go, at least for a little while.

And then - C still doesn't have a job. It's going on - almost three months now? He's still looking, hard, and we are still okay- though we are dipping into the savings, and I'm seriously considering majorly dipping into the savings, paying off the IRS and Sears and the Home Depot store card, and - moving on from there.
But then, we are also kicking around the idea of opening a restuarant. We have picked out a location, and we've put together ideas & a menu. Now, we are going to start working on the business plan, and trying to find financing. With the market as it is now, I'm seriously doubting that we'll....... well. Just as I started writing that sentence, I got an alert that my horoscope for today had just hit my inbox.

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, March 19:
Gather your resources and figure out how best to use them for the upcoming
months or so. It's a great day for making plans -- even for several years from
now! Your good energy is perfect for the task.

*blink* Well. Fine, then. I'll do that. I don't know how 'good' my energy is (ahh, that's another thing - not breaking things up into good/bad, but just seeing them as they are. So, my energy is - focused, I think. My energy is ready for a change, and it's in a very Fuck All Ya'll kinda mood, which means my normal reluctance towards change might not be in such a high gear).......

I'll be vested on Friday.

Work has been - well, it's been a bit better. I had my performance review (no raise for me this year, no suprise there!), and - I think some things were laid on the table. I think there will be some shakeups - and well, change is - change. Hopefully, for the better. I'm busier (minutely, and it's more me making myself feel like it actually MATTERs - attitude shift, one could say), but I realized that I've been, more or less, doing the same damn thing for the last 8 years. I don't know - I think I might be ready for a change. I can't believe it's been 3 years already.

But, with the restaurant, my main - inital thoughts for a change (going into consulting) simply wouldn't be an option, as I would need to be at the restaurant after leaving my 'day job'.

And then, there's always in the back of my mind the thought that maybe it's a blessing that we haven't concieved yet, maybe there is a reason. Maybe the worlds really about to go all to shit, and we're being spared the stress of caring for a babe. Maybe we are meant to adopt, instead. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

I don't know. All I know is that..... I am. Right now, that's all I'm certain of, and heaven knows, sometimes I wonder if it's all just a dream.

I think my next book will be my birthday gift from my momma, though.

Shut down, Will Robinson, Shut Down!

I've decided that I'm only marginally going to think about TTC'ing until after the appt. At this point, there's nothing we can do, and the information that we will recieve will be very, very useful - so, it's pointless for me to fret.

Yes, I AM going to my zen space, how'd ya know?

I even went as far to change my nick on one of my favorite boards - it started mentally taunting me - 'to be, or not to be, that is the question!' Horrid.

Moving on.....

C asked me last night why don't we open a restaurant. Once I got past my inital 'We are entering a recession!! Are you INSANE?!?!?!!?' reaction, I started thinking about it a little - calmer. And, ya know, I don't know. We still can't really 'afford' it, but fer fucks sake, that's what investors are for. There's a cool location for sale - right on a main strip, near our house, in a relatively safe hood. Dunno how much they want for it - but, it's a thought. We've got the grand chef, and we have the trusted money person - the problem is we are both ignorant as newborn babes when it comes to all the nits & grits of opening a restaurant. He's got some experience, but strictly from a chefs side. It's funny, at the end of the brief convo I said 'Well, worst comes to worst, we'll just go bankrupt!' *faint* But, yeah. Maybe. I dunno. And I suspect he'll HATE my ideas for a concept..... *evil grin*

So, I don't know. He was rejected for two of the positions he was really hoping for (both of the corporate ones), and the one that's left is the one that he REALLY wants - but he's getting antsy because they are kinda dragging their feet. It's been what - two months, now? I vaciliate being antsy and resignation over the whole thing.

I need to call my mother, but I'm not in the right mind set to talk to her right now - it's funny, I tend to avoid her in times of instability - I still feel like she's judging me (and whether she is or isn't isn't the issue at all), and I still have to prove that I'm a big girl now. I know I DON'T, but the gut feeling/reaction is still there.

Speaking of which, I need to work on my homework for next weeks Realm class - the 5 piviotal people. Mother, Amin, C, M, and..... I don't know. Someone else. It's sad, really, how few people I have in my life that actually MATTERED. Hrm.

Okay. *sigh* I've got a meeting to go to with one of my banes (who I'm sure is just going to go on and on), and I need to be pleasant and perky and shit. *slaps on fake grin* Vodka would make this place EVER so much more pleasant.

unHappy Aniversary!!

It's March 4th, 2008. Exactly this time, a year ago, I was slipping in my Diva, hoping to not see a period again for at least 24 months.

Yeah, not so much.

It's been a year, officially, and it's fucking with me much more than I expected it would. It's odd - the first six months were a drag, the second six months were a blur, and this, the 13th month - well, it's - interesting.

I'm lugging around this impending sense of doom - March 24th is when we go to the fertility specialist and get (finally) a detailed explanation as far as C's S/A results. If there are utterly miserable - I don't know. Realistically, it will be the last step as far as 'assisted' techniques. None of the insurance offered here covers ART of any kind - I suspect we'll have to pay out of pocket for the HSG, which is two grand that we can ill afford. And - from the little bit of reading I've done so far, it seems like when there are female issues - well, they can offer drugs and timing and triggers and etc, etc.... but when there are male issues, they slingshot you directly into IUI/IVF - which we cannot, in any way shape or form, afford.

It's rather - ironic - we waited (I held off) for so long so that I (we) could afford to be the parents that I wanted us to be. And now, here we are here, able & ready to be the parents that we hope to be, and might not be able to bloody afford to get pregnant.
Ain't THAT a blip?

If that is the results of our appt (the 24th), then. Well, I don't know. I've been biding my time at work, thinking/hoping that I would be pregnant soon, and would be able to implement my exit strategy. If that doesn't happen - I think I'll more agressively pursue a consulting opportunity - it'll be a quick way to stack up money - and then I'll move right into - hell, my first thought was midwifery school - but I don't know if I want to be a midwife - more importantly, if the chance of being a mother drops down to something silly like 5% - I don't know if my heart could handle being around birth - I think I would get very angry, very quickly.

That leaves writing. *gulp* I did say, a while back, that maybe if I canna concieve a child, at least I can birth a novel. I don't know. I'm - I'm delaying anything, everything, including my emotions.

And C has been really tender with me lately - I swear, I think he thinks I'm pregnant. Its something about the way he touches me - and how amazing and wonderful it would be if I was.
I think that's why I write so little about it except for brief interludes - I'm all 'energy-aware', and I'm afraid that if I focus/mull on the 'oh my gods, we'll never get knocked up!' side of things, that's exactly what I'll attract to myself. And while, yeah, at 6DPO (or 15DPO, depending on who you ask), it is as it is - it's my own personal juju.

Speaking of personal jujus - I stopped wearing the Gaia necklace. The back of my neck has broken out (we aren't even going to TALK about the skin eruptions going on all over my body - I feel hideous! Gods bless detoxing), and my chain was irritating it. So, I took it off - and I switched the pendant before I put the chain back on. Now, I'm wearing the mother of pearl and carnelian dangle I got from FOS - I haven't looked up the energy of these stones yet, but it feels REALLY good to wear, so I'm happy with that.

Ah, yes, also - the elimination is going well. I still slip occasionally (popcorn, ice cream & hoagies are my downfall) but in general, it's going well. I've lost ten pounds (without even trying), and as I mentioned before, my skin is - oh my gods, I've got more breakouts, hives, bruises, dark spots - it's seriously rather disgusting, all of the GOOP that is coming out of me. If I'm definitely not pregnant this cycle (testing in 10 days), I'm going to HAVE to do a cleanse to get this over with, like NOW. I'm sure it would be nicer if I did it gradually, but seriously, I can't take it - and I scar easily - I'll come through this looking like I had chicken pox, or something!

Work is - well, work. I'm supposed to be on a new path, and making new efforts, and I'm really 'Yeah, whatever' about the whole thing - but, I know that if I wanna keep the job, I really do need to focus more.

C still hasn't found a job - there are a two places that are stringing him along - but I have hope at least one of them will come through. He's starting to do some of the online stuff I had considered doing once I was at home, to bring in a little more money. I'm also scared (all the fear and uncertainty I have in me!) that we can't afford to live on one salary. *deep breath*

It's a time of waiting and uncertainty, generally - leading up to a huge change, one way or another.

Should be interesting.

Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.

I'm on the VERGE of tears at work because Twin1 on my team is doing her usual thing of taking over anything she touches and excluding everyone but Twin2, and I was dreadfully embarassed when someone came to me for an update, and I had that 'caught in the headlights' look.

Do I think she's doing it on purpose? I don't know - she's always been like this (and always the loudest one complaining about how BUSY she is) so no, I don't think she's trying to sabatoge me. She's doing a bloody good accidental job of it, though.

This week has simply sucked, basically. C is being - funny. I don't know what the heck is up with him, and he's made some new online buddy, and.......

Gods, I'm so tired of - just everything. It feels so fucking POINTLESS, and I don't know why. I'm truly just going through the motions because I don't know what else TO do. The delirious fantasy of quitting has danced though my head on a daily basis this week - which, among choices I've made (or considered making) that would be pretty high on the dumbasfuck scale...

It's gotten so bad, that this morning driving to work, I understood why so many people - esp. the opressed & downtrodden, fall so hard for the concept of a perfect Heaven. It gives an ending to the bullshit - and the promise that after you finish plodding through it all, you'll be rewarded. Just KNOWING that there is an end in sight makes suffering through anything easier.

Hrm. Even the potential of there being an end makes me feel better. I feel - very trapped, lately.

And fuck me sideways, this moodswings are INSANE. I don't even feel like writing anymore, because I feel better.

*tear*

Can I has my brain back, plz? kthx.

I am so over....

work.

I know it's just a bit of the post vacation blues, but I REALLY wish these people would just bugger off and leave me alone.

Orlando was wonderful....I read, laid out by the pool, or chilled semi-naked on the balcony all week. We went out like twice, I went to the beach once, and we almost made it to Universal Studios on a free pass, but it started raining. Oh, darn!

I'm so ready to win the lottery.

I read all the Harry Potter books (no spoilers here) and I actually enjoyed them. Not sure why I disliked them so initially, but, I think I'll buy them all, now.

And that's it.

I just had to bitch for a hot second.

:lol

So.

Oddly enough, despite the fact that I am anal, I can't stand anal people. Maybe it's anality that hasn't been explained to me that irks me. If I understand why you are being such an asswipe, I jsut might appreciate it more.  Maybe.

Work (continuing in the vein I started with) is well. Let's just say I spend 12 dollars a week on powerball simply so that I can escape this soulsucking hellhole. I feel rather guilty sometimes, whinging over the lack of - anything - at my job, rather than having concrete idiocy to whine about. Though, maybe I paint things with too rosy of a brush, and this stuff really IS stupid. Either way, I'm still here, still wishing that I wasn't, counting down the months remaining until I am free.

The house - the house is slowly becoming a home. This weekend, the game room should be DONE (which gives us not only a game room, but also a dining room, as all the crap that should be in the game room is currently taking up 1/4 of the dining room) and sweet mother of God herself, a living room. All that is left to do in both rooms is bottom trim and the doors - and I WILL get those done this weekend. Hub was supposed to do the bottom trim in the game room yesterday, but he had to do the DMV duck hunt instead, so. Well. I'm efficient, they'll be done. If for no other reason than I am sick - SICK, I tell you! - of living in 1/3 of the space of the living room because everything is pulled 3 feet away from the walls.

I'm working out and eating right (again, for the 15hundreth time in my short life) and utterly refusing to weigh myself for love or money. I finally broke down and got a *gasp* personal trainer (who isn't really all THAT personal, as I'm in a 'group' with two other people - a lovely 72 year old woman named Jane, and a future med-school student named Justin) but it's not that much, and I know that it will be useful, and dammit, spending a few hundred dollars for health isn't that bad. I wonder if I can get reimbursed through my health care plan. I doubt that I can, just - well, just because any HMO paying for actual PREVENTATIVE care would be - well, it would be too much like right.

I'm half-assedly charting - more so keeping track of my periods and when we do the wild thang than anything else. I 'supposed' to be ovluating around now, so tonight I'm going to go home and spit on the little lens and see what it tells me. We are waiting until March to really START trying, but we are enjoying the practice. Though, hubby pouts each time I tell him we need to use a condom (which isn't ALL the time) and I just laugh. Mwhahahaa! March, you horny man you, MARCH!

I'm such a slackass OD'er lately - I've been trying to note more (which ain't much, considering my track record of noting) to make up for the half assed writing that I do, but well.... life is so - so - level and balanced that I tend to not have much to talk about.

I do keep threating to combine the *thinks* 4 different journals that I have scattered around on 3 different sites into one (body, spirit, hair, life), but I haven't come up with a way that I'm happy to do it - either here or on LJ - so I'mma keep waiting.

Because, I'm anal, ya know?

If you think you might be anywhere near the Midsouth the next to last week in October - take a gander at the previous entry. Or, just gimme an email address, and be suprised.

*smoochieboochies!*

Stuff TO do...

Compare "isfet and Apophis" as well as "ma'at and Ma'at" - one repestenting the concept, the other the god who emobides to concept - Assman, maybe??

Put together recipes for next week.

Calculate the calories in the bacon pasta.

Humph

So, right?

Haven't felt much like writing here - I cheat on OD regularily over on LJ for spiritual and weightloss stuff, so I've been writing, just not HERE. I suppose here, this is more of a general journal of my day to day stuff, and day to day has been kinda - dull.

Well, okay - that's not quite true - I (we) actually had a fun weekend - one of C's coworkers from the old job invited us out to see another friend of theirs play at a little college club/hole in the wall type of place. It was fun - met some cool people, spent WAYYY too much freaking money, had the best damn cheesesteak I've ever wrapped my lips around (take THAT, Geno's!!). 

Umm - on the hone front, unfiberglassed the window in the living room (don't ask) and the temperature in the whole house has dropped an EASY 10-12 degrees just from having that flowthrough. Now, even on the HOT HAWT days, it tops off around 75 in the house - which is wonderful. Attacked some of the wallpaper in the library - *pulls hair* oh my GOD - painful, painful, nitpicky process it is. Can't I just sandblast the walls?

Garden is doing well - I need to stake the tomatoes tonight, and I've given C permission to go all airgun on the ass of any rabbit that we see. *glares* Damn wabbits. The strawberries did poorly (poor bubbies!!) so we DEFINITELY won't have a crop this year (I don't think they are ever bearers) but we should have a nice crop next year.

My hair is - well. *sighs* It's - it's an interesting mass of stuff. It's funny, I realize that I have no CLUE as to what to - DO with it. I love it, love it, love it, and if I didn't work for corporate america, I'd most likely be freeform locking it (possibily the messiest hairstyle EVER) but as it is, I'm trying to keep it neat and soft and purty without becoming a product junkie. Humph. I would cut it all off and start from the beginning if it wasn't for the fact that C would have a kitten, and the fact that I ADORE my color. Love it, love it, love it. Not loving the roots quite so much, but - *ppphhfft* love the color!

I'm still feeling rather frustrated, but with a different focus. *sigh* two more years, that's all - just two more years. Hey!! It's almost July, which will make that like - actual truth! Hmm.... I think I will be working on the library every night this week, so that we can actually PAINT over the long weekend. *sqqqqqqquuuuueeeee!!!* I miss my books, really, really, like REALLY I do. Hmmm. Still need bookcases though.

Went to a corporate meeting this morning - two hours worth of rehearsed platitudes and trite words. Blech. I actually took notes on all of the different ways they talked about firing people - or layoffs - or letting people go - or reducing overhead burders - or S&A (something & assests) reduction - or workforce 'planning'  - or 'tightening the belt to become a smaller company' ... or whatever the hell else. Humph. And considering the whole thing was about how to restructure IT to make us 'more effective' without paying us more, or hiring more people, (or basically, doing shitelse other than having us work harder) - it was really a delightful slap in the face for the last words to be 'But those (indicating the portfolio managers who carp about how IP is becoming more effecient (by firing and closing mills left and right)) are the REALLY important people'.
Humph. A company can become rich WITHOUT being publicly offered.  Really, the most important PEOPLE are the customers, only narrowly leading the employees. Because ya know, if you don't have customers, you're GOING to lose money, and if you don't have employees, you're going to lose money. The only people who think that the 'Street' is the most important thing are those working for their options rather than for a paycheck. I swear, everytime I go to one of these (mandatory) meetings, I just feel all warm and shitted on afterwards. And the fact that one of the 'leaders' on the podium was crowing about hoping that stock reaches 61 so that he can retire and buy that 30ft yacht he's always wanted and spend all his time in the Gulf of Mexico made all us working slobs who are hoping they can afford to send their kids to college feel REALLL warm and full of company pride.
But at the same time, I can't whinge TOO much, as we are constantly assured that OUR group/team/project is different. I just need us to stay different for two more years, then I'll return the warm and shitted upon feeling.

Umph. I need some coffee.

Whoohooo!!

Baby, can I TELL you how long this week has felt?? And how HAPPY I am that not only is tomorrow FRIDAY, it's also the start of a long weekend??

Let's do general updates, shall we??

Home: Doing good - got some elephant ears from the sister of a coworker, need to find someplace to put them. I understand that they spread (which always makes me giddy anytime someone says that -all that land, I NEED spreading things!!). Haven't touched the library since last weekend, plan on finishing the wallpaper this weekend. I think C is off, so it should be a quickie.
Got my books from bookscloseouts.com (more deadly than eBay if you love books) (I got 250 worth of books for 70 bucks - including shipping) and drooled over them for a while. Forgot about the Egypt book I got (The Mind of Egypt by Jan Assman) (hush! he's a well known Egyptologist!) which is a VERY dense, very intense look into how the Egyptians actually - ticked. What made them work. Is a DELIGHTFUL read (but VERY dense) - and I realized that a good bit of my problem is that I don't know HOW to study - I've literally never had to study for ANYTHING in my life. Ever. I was always one of those chicks who just rubbed the book lightly across my forehead and got a B. *shrugs* So - how exactly is this 'studying' thing done?
Anyhow - most of the books were good soild reference books - mostly on gardening and plant identification. Can I tell you - I was - quivering with excitement over the plant identification ones - just QUIVERING! And in the back - pictures!! With proper names for various leaf shapes, petal formations, and the like. Not saying that the whole BOOK isn't full of pictures (gorgeous, full color ones) but it's nice to actually know what the heck a bipartriate leaf is rather than squinting at itty bitty pictures of a leaf on a tree and trying to guess. The indexes aren't QUITE as cross-referenced and as detailed as I would like it to be - but oh!! Rapturous joy! I think this weekend will also involve me wandering around the outside of the house with a huge book in each hand, a pen behind my ear, a notebook clenched between my teeth, and many muttered curses.

Work: Arrrrgggghhhhhhhhh. *thumps head on desk repeatedly* but.... the new building is really nice. I need one of those above the desk mirrors though, because I HATE having my back to the room. Makes me paranoid and stuff. Two more years. That's all - jsut TWO MORE YEARS.
I realize one of the reasons that this job drives me so batty is because I don't feel - natural here in the least. I mean - maybe it's the people, maybe it's me, but - I feel VERY standoffish - just in general. I totally don't feel like I can be my slightly nutty, throughly opinionated, authentic self here. And I hate the fact that I suspect it's 'spreading' into the rest of my life. I really make a DAILY effort to shake this place off the second I slide into my car to go home at night - I do this for one reason, and as long as I put in my fair 8 hours here, the rest of my life is MINE.

Weight: *shhh* I weighed myself a few days ago, and had dropped two pounds. *snorts* I'm not getting my hopes up in the LEAST though, because I expect to weigh myself Sunday (that's the official checkin day), and find out that I've gained six pounds, as my period started today. (amazement and frank talk about womanbits to follow)
The wildest thing is though (which I was kinda aware of, but JUST confirmed today) is that I can TELL the INSTANT my period starts (assuming I'm awake) because I can FEEL the mucus plug just suddenly 'let go'. It's almost like a spasm, then suddenly my whole lower abdomen just feels heavy and FULL. It really FEELS like my uterus just filled up. It's rather cool, really - and I can tell that's when I first 'start' because I actually don't start really bleeding until 4-6 hours later - that pop is just the point where the pressure of the flow overwhelms my cervix. Gah. I really need to start charting - no, we aren't trying for kids NOW - but I suspect that in about a year or so we will, and I'm vaugely suspicious about my 'ovulation' and whether my girl bits work the way they are supposed to. I'm thinking about getting one of those ferny thingys (Where did you get yours from Anna??) and testing myself when I think I've ovulated, and see how on point I am.  Calendar wise, it's usually right on (or a little LATE in my mind), and general 'moodiness' wise it's right (as I tend to get horny as a.....goat) which lasts for about 48 hours, precisely. It would be nice if that IS when I'm ovulating - makes it much easier to time things.
In other weight/preparation news, I realllllly need to get a good multivitamin. I hate pills, can't swallow them, prefer liquid or chewables (or really, having a proper diet so that I don't NEED the bloody things - but, HAH! that's not gonna happen instantly). *pouts* I no LIKEY pills. hmm... something else to add to my growing list of things that I need to do....

Um. I think that's it for now.

Mmmm, Mmmm, GOOD...

So - doing the letter of the alphabet thingy. The rules are - someone gives me a letter, I write out five words that mean something to me that starts with that letter, and then anyone who asks for a letter in my notes gets one.

Temmykerryboombahtastic gave me the letter 'M'

Money - Ah, how I don't have enough to quit this hateful, dreadful, soul sucking job and play in my garden. Bleh. Money - how it's really a cheap and easy way to carry around my life energy. Money - how it smells so PURTY.

Men - mainly my husband and two of my good friends. All three demented, all three I love, all three drive me farking BATTY.

Mousse - how I think I need to find some for black girl hair cuz my hair is all sexy when it's damp, and then get's BLEH once it dries. Fun to play with, but still. I could use the jerrijuice but *shudder*
*starts singing* Just let your sooooulll GLOOOOOOOOOWW!! (14 points to anyone who knows what movie that comes from)

Mother's Day - I'm actually getting my cards out EARLY this year - which almost never happens. I mean, never. Of course, I left my wallet in the car, so I'm going to have to pull over somewhere and find a mailbox, and well - hopefully they will get them on Saturday. or Monday. Close enough.

Moon - It's almost a full moon again - we can see the moon from several windows in the house, and it's SOO cool and purty. I'm waiting for a clear night so that I can go out and see how many stars I can gander at.

 

---

 

Work - ARGH. Sometimes, I feel bitter because I don't have enough to do, then othertimes I feel guilty because I'm wondering how much I am missing/forgetting to do and it's a lovely, horrid, cycle. I want a farking PROJECT already, dammit.

House - Lovely! Unpacked my clothes last night - was lucky enough to hit the box with my summer clothes in it on the first try. I have a 20something item list covering the stuff that we want to do in the house - from the big stuff like replacing the windows, to the little stuff like switching the light bulbs to more energy efficient ones. It's still missing stuff.

Life - I waste way too much freaking time - doing - nothing. I mean - there's nothing wrong with doing NOTHING as long as there ain't nothing that needs to be done, ya know? I've been kicking around the idea of setting up a schedule for myself (I need schedules - I crave schedules) so that I can learn all the stuff that I want to. Really, what I need to do is turn the fucking TV off!! God - it's such a time sucker.

I think I'll set up the stereo tonight. Our house is so quiet, that if there is nothing else going on - you can hear the LIGHTBULBS. I shit thee not. It's rather amusing.

bugger!!!

I was almost done with a lovely long entry that was only 3/4 about the house - and my computer froze. *grrr*

Okay - to recap....

1) We are thinking about the addendums to the purchase contract - so far we want
a) The stained glass windows and crystal chandeliers stay. (NOT negotiable)
b) The appliances stay (I'm assuming they ARE going to stay, as they were listed in the online profile, but better safe than sorry. As it is, we would have to buy a fridge)
c) The lawnmower stays (this is a nice to have, but not required)
d) The junk around the edge of the property goes (or he could pay for the rental and disposal of a dumpster)
e) The polebanr goes (this is a negotiable one)
f) They cover 100% of closing costs.
Anything else super obvious we might be missing?

2) The buying agent never called me back last night. After lunch I'm going to call her and let her know that if she isn't interested - maybe she doesn't like the area, maybe she knows the commision isn't worth it (even though, really - we've done MOST of the hard work),  to let me know so that I can move on and find someone else. Really, I jsut want someone to hold our hand through the negotiations AFTER the inspection comes back. *thinks* OneDreamer - could you leave that name in a [P] note again? Silly me deleted it before writing the name down.

3) Did some research online last night, and joy of joys - Tennesee is a termite RICH area.  Two lovely quotes "In fact, termites are holding up our dirt. There are about 15 termite colonies on an average acre, each with about a million bugs per colony. That's a lot of livestock. If all my termites up and died tomorrow, my yard would sink an inch just from the loss of biomass, and wreck my foundation."  and  "Any Tennessee house could have termites at any time. If you want protection against termite damage, you have to buy a service contract from a pest control company. If you have your house under such a contract (and do read the fine print), the pest control company will have to pay to fix any damage termites might cause in the future."
Is there a way we can find out how often (if ever) they had pest control come to the house? Should that be one of the addendums? Dammit - this kind of thing is why I want a buyers agent - If I can't get hold of one before noon tomorrow, we WILL ask the listing agent this stuff, but - gah.

4) Talking to a THIRD loan officer - still dangling the 6.5 rate in front of him - to see if he can beat it. Muahaha..... he's saying that he doesn't think he can because of the points that they are most likely rolling into the rate. I should ask the Quicken fellow if we can pay some of the points up front and drop the rate - I really did like working with him, but if we can get a better rate, I'mma drop him like a hot tater. Just sent him an email with the copy of the better good faith estimate. MUAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

I think that was about it for the house stuff.

Work is - work. I'm semi busy, but still not nearly as busy as I would like to be. I'm skipping out on a team lunch tomorrow to go and sign the purchase agreement, and I don't feel the least bit guilty. I was telling one of my friends that I didn't really realize just how GOOD I had it at Lilly, as far as a team went. We - actually liked each other. We would talk about our lives, we would go out to lunchtogether almost daily - we got along. Here? It's a buncha people that work together, and that's about it. Bleh.

C is looking for a new job - I told him he isn't allowed to switch jobs until AFTER we get the mortgage. *laughs* But hopefully, he'll be able to get a job paying a hell of a lot more - either by staying at CC and moving into a salaried position, or by finding an Exec job in a freestanding. He's got an interview with a new freestanding place next Wednesday, so *goodthoughts!gooooddddthoughts!*

Um. I think I'm done (and I better save before this POS crashes again!)

Just Simmering Now....

So - this is going to be my comments that go into my final review (CSA) file. Since there is no documentation (which is shady anyhow if I was such a HORRID employee) it's all jsut my word against her word, but - I just found out TODAY that they review your CSA anytime you apply for internal positions. Nice, eh? I guess it's good I don't want to change groups anytime soon.

Anyhow - names blanked out to protect the bitches.

Formal Disagreement with CSA 2005One on Ones
May 20, 2005
June 15, 2005
July 20, 2005
August 8, 2005
September 14, 2005
October 12, 2005

OldBoss and I had regular one on ones throughout the time that she was at IP (before her maternity leave), and during these one on ones, I was repeatedly told that I was meeting expectations, and that she was getting positive feedback from other coworkers around my completion of tasks and my rate of learning the responsibilities of my new position.

Emails with Performance Comments
04/12/2005 – neutral
04/14/2005 – positive
05/03/2005 – positive
05/10/2005 – positive
06/02/2005 – positive
06/17/2005 – negative
06/24/2005 – neutral
07/12/2005 – positive
07/21/2005 – negative
08/18/2005 – positive
08/25/2005 – positive
09/21/2005 – neutral

This represents the list of emails that I received from Katie referencing some assignment that I had been given or volunteered for. Out of the 12 emails received, 7 had statements of outright praise for my actions (58%) , 3 had neither obviously positive or obviously negative comment (25%), and only 2 had outright negative comments (16%) – both of which where phrased in a way which asked me if I was aware that I needed to do a certain task. Since no one is perfect, I considered those to be negative remarks. One of the positive emails referenced the fact that I was going to be doing Primary production support – which is not a task that would logically be assigned to an employee who has no drive and lacks attention to detail.

CSA Comments
Reviewing my full CSA, I notice that in all of the objective sections, my manager noted that I had met the targets that were expected of me, including “Achieve all Project Milestones as denoted within the Integrated Work Plan”. If this target was met, how is it possible that I also put the same project tasks at risk?

Overall, not only do I disagree with my reported competency, I deeply disagree with how it was managed. In every position that I have held previously, if there was an issue with an employees performance, the employee was notified long before the final review time, given guidelines around what should be done, as well as support in changing the negative behaviors. Only once was I told of a failing in my performance, which occurred in the early months of my tenure at IP (no later than May), and that failing was due to a lack of clarity around the precise responsibilities of my job. At that point in time I requested that any failing of mine be brought to my attention immediately, as it is impossible for me to correct a failing that I am not aware of.

Because of the following, I strongly disagree with my final performance comments and ranking.
1) I was verbally informed that I would be ranked at least REC (Results Exceed Commitment) or RMC (Results Met Commitments) before OldBoss left for maternity leave.

2) I never received any negative feedback around my performance from my management or my peers.

3) I did not have a final review with OldBoss before she left the company to allow her to clarify her comments, or to document the situations in which I exhibited performance that was below her expectations.

Work - stuff.

So - I'm workng on my development plan for this year. Sometimes - I really wonder if it IS me that's the problem, as I don't remember recieving any notification that it was development time, but the rest of the team seem to be fully informed, so - *shrugs* I don't know.

I'm sitting here trying to fill this out - and I'm having a really hard time not basing any of it on my review from last year. (If you missed that drama, go back a few days and read 'Slow Furious Boil'). Over the last week - it's been - odd. At my last job, we were a real team. If there were interpersonal issues, they came out to the surface rather quickly, and everyone knew exactly where they stood. I thought it was the same way here, but based on my review - it's not. People here backstab, gossip behind your back, and tell the manager things that they don't have the cohones to tell you. And - I have a really hard time working in that sort of environment. I'm - not used to working with people that aren't honest with each other. I'm not used to working in a place that is so - calm on the surface and troubled underwater.

I'm supposed to select two weakness that I have, and that I want to improve - and all I can focus on is interpersonal development. I feel like I screwed up somewhere in my interactions with my team, and I want to repair that - but it's so damn insidious, that it's not something you can point to and say - "There's the problem!". And considering that newboss is saying that last years review doesn't exist to him - I KNOW that I shouldn't focus on repairing what I was told was broken - but I don't know what else to do, because everything that I think of wraps back to - Results Below Expectations.

*deep breath*

If I ignore the interpersonal aspects of my review, I suppose two things that stand out most are missing project tasks, and leaving errors in my work for other coworkers to repair - but then, of course, there is the lack of overall drive too. I'm taking this WAY too personally - but my work, my performance, it IS personal to me. Being considered loyal, reliable, and talented is - it's a big part of how I view myself, and how I assumed that others viewed me. So - it's a shock. It's a shakeup. Which is why I'm focused so hard on it.....

Okay. Two core competencies to improve. Let's do - Drive for Results and.....
Peer Relationships? The thing that keeps setting me for a loop is coming up with action items for them. I - I don't - I honestly don't think that I failed in Peer Relationships, I feel like I was backstabbed. So - not that one. Lets do....Dealing with Ambiguity. Huh. I can use that skill everywhere in my life.

Slow Furious Boil *edited*

That son of a BITCH!

Okay - I just got out of my yearly review. And - oh, my GOD - I've never gotten a review this bad in my LIFE.  I think I may have mentioned that I was off work for the last 6 weeks of last year after Thanksgiving due to my tumble down the stairs - and I'm wondering how much that impacts this review.

Now - My boss - the one who wrote this - left on Maternity leave in mid October. I had been working her since March, and we had regular one-on-ones. I was ALWAYS told that I was doing well - working well within the team - learning quickly - meeting all of my goals. In the very begininning I was told that I had screwed something up - almost a MONTH after it had happened - and I immeadiately said that if I screw up, I want to be told THAT instant - at the very latest the next day. She agreed to that - and as I NEVER heard anything negative about my work AFTER that point, I assumed that I was doing allright.

This - THIS shit is what was written as the FINAL comments on my review:

Comment on any significant results or shortfalls not mentioned by the individual and the contributing factors.
K. did not exhibit the drive required for her position. Her lack of attention to detail, primarily in the area of integration model builds and documentation put several project tasks at risk.

Based on input from the employee, peers, customers and your own observations, summarize overall performance and the trend of performance, including the employee's demonstrated ability to grow with the job. Comment on how results were accomplished and compentencies (managerial/leadership and/or technical) impacted performance.
Overall, K's performance did not meet expectations/commitment. She left many loose ends and errors in her work, leaving others to find and correct. Her communication, listening and team interaction skills need improvement. She will have to work very hard to gain back the trust of project team members for her to once again take on critical tasks.

Supervisor's Manager Comments
K. must focus on improving performance and will need to work with the team manager closely in 2006 to measure and monitor progess.

Rating:
Results did not meet commitment.

 

---

 

I'm so FUCKING furious I'm sitting here holding backs tears. I KNOW exactly where this SHIT came from, and it's the SAME fucking coworker I was talking about yesterday who doesn't like me. I'm - I'm - I don't know who the FUCK that employee is that they are talking about, but it ISN'T me. I've NEVER, in all of my fucking LIFE gotten a review even CLOSE to that. That - that - *gibbers with rage*

I NEVER heard anything even remotley close to this. I NEVER heard that I was doing BADLY, and I CERTAINLY was never told about mistakes that my COWORKERS had to correct. I wasn't even told when I put PROEJCT TASKS at risk due to my 'screwing up' And THIS is the shit that she wraps up my fucking REVIEW with?

And of course - SHE isn't here anymore to explain what the FUCK I did to deserve this. The only thing I can even THINK of was how fast I left during my medical leave - but shit, I didn't know I was going to be out for 6 weeks!!! I didn't have CHANCE to wrap upo loose ends and shit, and if my whole fucking rating was based on NOT being here for the last few weeks of the year - oh my FUCKING god!!!!  

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING MAD.

*cries*

Oh my GOD.

These motherfuckers can kiss my ass. I'm going to lunch.

 

---

 

Edited: Oh yessssss - I can comment on it. And trust me, I'm GOING to HR to see if they have a copy of the one on ones that we had. And trust me, I WILL be commenting. I had to vent all this out so that I CAN write my comments free of cussing and narroweyed rage.

Luckily enough - one small silver lining in this whole pile of bullshit - is that my current boss was my interim boss while the one who wrote THAT shit was on Maternity Leave - and HE says that he's never seen any IMPLICATIONS that my work was along those lines, and in his mind, once this is signed and filed, it's done, over with, and we will work together as if it never happened.

I'm still fucking furious. I talked to C over lunch, and he's wondering if it's prejudice - you know how us Nigras like to play when the boss is away. *enraged glare* I swear, if my previous boss still lived in the area I would CALL her - I still have her cellphone number - and see exactly WHERE that shit came from.

*rage*

 Let me go and call HR.

Bits & Pieces

Bit 1) Argh. I have a coworker, that I reallly don't like. I've never really liked him, but lately - he's just REALLY getting on my nerves. *thinks* I know I'm young, and I know I'm still rather new to the team, and I think he has certain ideas about women, and then he's just so farking DRY and DULL - but - I really just don't like him. Something about him rubs me the wrong way. I think it's from the fact that he tries his damndest to ignore me. We might me in a meeting, in a conversation, and I'll say something - and it's just like I didn't even say a word. I might be working on a problem with a coworker, and he'll just TOTALLY ignore me - I mean, he won't even LOOK at me when I'm talking. And I mean damn, I'm more often RIGHT than I am wrong - *shakes head* I just don't get it. And it's not very overt - it's not overt enough for me to bring it to the attention of my boss (don't want to come off as the over sensitve youngun) - but it's overt enough that it bugs the living daylights out of me.  I'm guessing he doesn't like me much either, and that's fine - but fuck, at least work WITH me, okay?

Bit 2) So, I did some curbcollecting this morning on my way to work. One of my neighbors had tossed out some tiki torches (I'm assuming because the fluid ran out - even though it WAS refillable *shrugs*) and I scooped those bad boys up in a heartbeat - they will be perfect for supporting my bigger/heavier plants. I haven't touch my garden yet - I need to at least plant some lettuce and some herbs while it's still cool, otherwise they'll all die off once it's hot again like it did last year.

Piece 1) Me & the Boy went to see the WWE SuperShow (taped SmackDown and live RAW) last night - it was actually REALLY good, except for one thing. There was this - woman - behind us. She was - very, very, VERY enthusiastic. She was, in fact, so enthusiastic, that people on the FLOOR were looking up at us. And mind you - FedEx Forum is NOT a small place, and we were on the - 2nd? 3rd? level up? Oh My God, I'm getting another headache just from THINKING about how loud she was. And high pitched - did I mention high pitched? *groans* We actually left the show early - partly because of her, and partly because we were both just wiped out, but it was a really good show. We haven't watched the taped version yet - I want to see if we can hear her from the ringside mics - she was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO loud. *laughs* Funnily enough, her brother was one of the Beer Guys - I told C that the ability to be loud must run in their genes.

Bit & Piece) Um, I'm done. Hah!

Streaming....

Hmmm....almost 1pm, I've got *thinks* 3.5 hours left, and my bestest chatting bud has abandoned me today, so I guess I'm going to have to entertain myself.

It's funny, how you'll have answers right in front of your face, and you'll ignore them because you KNOW the answer is there. Okay, that didn't make much sense, but you'll see what I'm saying in a little bit.

I'm very much so - disconnected from my job. It's interesting - work for me has never really defined who I was. I'm a computer analyst - but that's just what I do for a living. It really has NOTHING to do with who I am. And after the break, I've come back realizing that - not only does this job have nothing to do with who I am - I'm completely disconnected from it. It's not that I've become - slapdash with my work, because I haven't. I take pride in doing what I do well, and quickly. I just have absolutely NO investment in the process. It's a job. Nay, it's a paycheck.

Anyhow, one of the things that has been bugging me is that I have one very, very, very, anal coworker, who regularily comments two of the biggest work related sins there are in my book. 1) He doesn't have a good sense of boundaries - if I'm working on something, and someone comes to you and asks a question about it - redirect them to me, instead of taking on more work, and then bitchin bout how busy you are. and 2) He treats me like I'm slow.

I might be many things at work, but I'm not slow. Anyhow, I've been trying to figure how to - relax - I suppose is the best word in my dealings with him. I can't avoid him, as we work on the same damn module, but at the same time, I don't really want to interact with him, and I get the vibe from him that he doesn't really want to interact with me. So what do I do? How do I just let this go?

I was coming back from the bathroom, and for some reason, my eye caught a little scrap of paper I have posted on my cubicle wall:

The Five Simple Rules to Being Happy.
1) Free your heart from hatred
2) Free your mind from worries
3) Live Simply
4) Give More
5) Expect Less

and it just made - something CLICK. It was like - ya know - I'm not invested. I'm not connected. Why am I letting this 'percieved' irratation actually affect me? And I could almost feel the tension slip off my back. If he's that hard up for additional work - phhft. He can have it. I STILL do what I do very damn well. If he doesn't want my assistance, or can't bring himself to interact with me as if we are intellectual equals - *shrugs* his bloody loss. It's really got nothing to do with me. Give More, expect less.

So, I'm still bored at work, but at least I'm not irritated as well.

I need something else to research.

Terrible Tuesday....

Largely because I'm all out of work. The Access 'issue' that I thought would keep me tied up for a while I finally girded my loins, sat down, put on my iPod, and focused on it for four and a half hours straight, and got it done. *sigh* So - that was next to the last thing on my list, and I'm still waiting for someone else to fix something so I can finish testing something else and.... *sigh* It's going to be a long week.

I had chocolate milk with lunch today, and I keep burfing creamy chocolately goodness. Overshare? Maybe.

I got my doula business cards yesterday - they are sooooo shexzy. Which, really, is kinda an odd thing to say, but I mean DAMN. They are soooo hot. Hot, Hot, Hoooot. So, now for the brochures.
I'm kinda concerned - it's been a week even, and I haven't heard a peep from AM. I know she's still alive cuz I get other unrelated emails - but what if the nice couple said they hated me or I had shifty eyes or something? I'm really deepbreathing about all of it, but ARRRGH woman - let me know something.
I'm so not a tendertart. I'd rather know bad news than dance on little springs about whether the news is going to be bad or not. Just TELL me, already.
*more deepbreathing*

So, the weekend. Went out, hung out over a friends house, basically chilled. Didn't watch the game, didn't even think about the game in fact. Ah, the wonders of living in a mostly sports free household. I finished the training (which was longer and more involved than I expected) for this work at home thing, and the phone lines should be on tommorow, so I guess I need to keep an eye out for a good headset. Oooohhh....just had a sudden thought. Hm, nah, that won't work. Ah well, I'll have to do some comparison shopping.

Ah well, at least it's given me some nice uninterrupted time to write. I've never finished a short story - I usually want to pack too much into it, and it irks me to have to strip a tale down to it's really important component parts. What do you mean I can only have ONE plotline? And then, I started thinking about AfricanAmerican folk tales, esp about the supernatural, but couldn't find a good online source. I'm pretty sure I have some books at home that have a couple of stories in them.....but that's not helping me right NOW, now is it??

What else, what else? Sweet Jesu, it's only 3:10.

I seriously have to start getting up earlier.

 

Holy Cow,

It's only WEDNESDAY?? Sheesh, this week is really dragging.

So, work - right? I write so much more at work than I EVER do when I'm at home, largely because well - at home I actually have ISH to do.

So - I think that yesterday I wrote about my explorations in the world of Thrift for wineglasses, and my utter failures thereof. However! Hope was seen on the horizon from William-Sonoma. Hah! I went, I browsed, I picked up a single (SINGLE) plain wine glass and noted the price tag of 7.99 (for ONE!) and fled to the Target across the parking lot, where I NOT ONLY got 12 (a full dozen, ya'll) wineglasses (plain, yes, but I was desparate by then) for 8.88. I only got one box, because it was the last box of 'general purpose' wine glasses, but now as I think of it, I'm kicking myself for not grabbing the box of red wine glasses as well. Dammit. Ah well, let's see how long it takes for us to go through twelve. And anything other than glass wine glasses are atravesty, so let's not even go there, hmmm??

Went to the interview (appointment?) with my DoulaMentor (hereby known as DM. Hm, AM) and it went - well, I think. I realized that I tend to be a very - exuberant - person, and AM is a lot more laid back - I think a lot of her laidbackness is the fact that she has three kids, a dog, a husband in school, and a little bit of the dreaded doula burnout. So - we shall see - I really didn't talk much, but I interjected a few things (mostly useful, I thought) and I think that it went well. I hope that it went well - AM is going to call them tonight and get some feedback for me. *crosses fingers*

Ah yes, I actaully started the entry meaning to talk about work - hah! Okay - I've got basically three things on my plate - the Access database that I can drag out for-EVER (well, not really, but I can easily squeeze another week out of it if I can jsut get this damn search function to work). Another, that I've mostly finished, but need some outside input on, because otherwise I'd just reallllly be doing busywork, and while I don't MIND busywork (I used to love folding brochures) I insist that it's actually USEFUL,  and a third thing that I can't start on until they rerelease the system to users - which isn't supposed to happen until tomorrow. My coworkers are involved in things - but honestly, sometimes I wonder. Is my workload REALLY that much lighter, or are they just dicking around 7/10ths of the time? Because good lord - the way these people moan and groan about ALLLLLLL the work they have to do - yet as soon as someone else volunteers to help them, it's all - No, I need to finish this - No, I'm almost done, - No, I've got in under control. GGRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And when I scope the room (going for water) I'd say at LEAST 7/10ths of the screens are on SOME non-work related webpage. And then - also, I think that they - are - well, anal? As well as WAY too volunteeristic, but then, I can be a biatch. Heh.
So, yeah, I just think that I'm a little faster, and a little more susceptible to being bored. *sigh* I can't believe I'm going to say this - but I miss my old job. At least the workload was ungodly there. I most certainly, however, do NOT miss living in Indiana. *shudder* *sigh* I seriously would have stayed with Lilly if they could have just gotten me the HELL out of Indiana. Really.

Hmmm... I think I'll go to the other thrift store for lunch....maybe I can score some more books. And I need a semi-attractive, neat, box type object to store my crafting stuff in. I leave in under the table in clear plastic boxes now, but I'm hoping for sumthin a lil purtier.

Sometimes.....

I sit and open my eyes reallllllly wide and stare at nothing.

I'm vaguely hyper, yet slightly sleepy, and mildly bored. Nothing to really jerk my chain, but just enough of nothing so that I'm aware that my chain is being pulled on.

There's always stuff that I think about doing online on my way TO work that I can't do AT work - but by the time I get home, I've forgotten what it was again. So, I have a notepad open that I jot down notes in, and email them to myself before I head home.

Frantic! Manic? I feel like I should be whipping and whirling around, a perfect paragon of productivity, and instead I'm rambling on OD - just to give my brain SOMETHING to do.

Any of you folks guru's with Microsoft Access? I'm stuck at a certain point, and it's driving me bloody bananas because I strongly suspect that I can DO what I want/need to do, I just don't know how.

I rummaged through the email that I had set up to get a job (emplykblack) yesterday, and found four emails from headhunters. Hmmm... they want my BRAINS.

I finally ordered doula business cards. I have to finish taking the certification training for the parttime work at home job I want. I need to go to kinkos and make some brochures, as well as find some nice lightweight cardboard so I can make brochure holders.

I went thrifting today (during my 2 hour lunch  - but shhhh - a meeting got out early) and while I did manage to score nicely as far as books go (I got some more 'mom' directed pregnany books) I couldn't find what I originally went looking for - wineglasses. Over the last *thinks* month or so, we have gone through FIVE wineglasses. I broke two, C broke two, and the last one got cracked in the dishwasher. I even went to PierOne, but they didn't have any WINEglasses - they had water glasses, which I could have fronted with, but dammit, I wanted WINEglasses. The Target that was right up the street closed (how scary is that? Tarjhay? closing?) otherwise I would stop trying to be all unique and thrifty and shit and just BUY a new set of six. But they are closed. Hmmm...ooohhh!! I should go to the William & Sonoma outlet store up on Perkins......they've gotta have some stylin wineglasses!! Hmm....maybe I'll go after work........