WOD2 - Ephemeral

My birthday is in 6 days, and it's reminding me of the unavoidable trickle of time.

It's funny, because one of my consistent complaints has been how I feel stagnant - like nothing is changing, nothing is moving around me. Somehow, I'm ignoring the march of time - the simple fact that every second, every instant, is a new moment - never seen before, never to be seen again. And yeah, while it's true that the events of the past set the stage for the next second - it's still changing/morphing/growing. The only thing around here that is stagnant is me.

So.

I'm not going to be putting my life on hold for a baby, anymore, for one thing. I'm not going to go out and set myself for something that is totally incompatible with children, or get my tubes tied, or anything, but I'm gently letting the sense of certainty that at some point, there will be children in my life, go. It's, it's been interesting. I'm hoping that it lasts, this time - and I think that I have more than enough other things/potential going on in my life to fill any gaps that pushing that vision of my future out will leave behind.

I'm letting go of the idea that I'll ever escape corporate America, and at the same time, I'm putting in more effort into my entrapuenial goals, that will allow me to leave.

I'm letting go of the concept that I'll always be fat. I've got plenty of time to lose weight, and even if it's slow, if it's consistent, I'll get there.

Like sand trickling through my fingers, like dew evaporating in the sun, I'm losing time - I'm getting closer and closer to death, and I'm starting to feel like I haven't really been living for quite a while.

At least I realized this young.

Who, Me?

Funny sometimes, how things pile up, one on top of the other, trying to encourage me/plant a solid foot in my ass.

So, yesterday, as I'm driving to First Realm class, there are these huge, fluffy, gorgeous clouds in the sky, and it took me back to being a little girl, and wanting to learn how to paint. I had a book that had those same huge, fluffy clouds in it, and I tried - oh, how I tried for WEEKS to get the color shifts just right, and tried to mimic the glow of the sun and the sheerness of the clouds, and I ended up with a white/blue/yellowish-grey mess. I think right around then might have been the time that I convinced myself I had about as much artistic talent as a brick.

Over the years, I've tried other things - and largely, they ended up being just other bricks - other failures, other perfectly shining examples of just how unartly/uncreative/unskilled I was.

I've built up a wall - a rather nice sized one too, around my own creative energy. I had help - oh, I won't claim that I did this all by myself! - and it's been - safe. It's been comfortable, telling myself that it's okay not to try, because failure is the most likely result.

And of course I'm going to fail! I don't really think I can succeed with that brick wall - or, at least not my current definition of success (which I have no clue of what it is!).

I get to class, and my teacher almost immeadiately starts asking me if I ever considered writing professionally - based solely on a (in my mind) slapped together paper that took me all of a day and a half to complete, that she RAVED over. It was - honestly, it was possibly the most emphatic 'Holy Shit, Woman, you're GOOD!' I've ever gotten on something I've done - ever.

And - looking forward down & through the years, I know that once I start staying at home, and once I get into the groove of being at home, I'm going to want to start writing. At that point, I will have no reason to NOT write. At that point, the 'roadblocks' that I've had to writing will be gone. Yeah, I'll be dealing with a whole NEW set of roadblocks, but in my mind - those will be energizing ones, not draining ones. And that time is getting closer and closer - whether I'm knocked up right now or not, I soon will be, and - *deep breath*

My teacher also happens to be part owner of a publishing business.

So. Yeah.

I found that whole series of events - interesting, to say the least. What will I do with it?

I don't know.

But I think the mortar is starting to powder.

Ahhh......

*sigh*

A sudden sadness has fallen over my heart.

I've been doing a lot of online talking/reading/thinking learning lately, and suddenly, someting settled on me.

I'm an outcast twice.

My skin makes me an outcast in the culture my mind/attitude would 'assign' me to.

My mind/attitude makes me an outcast in the culture my skin would 'assign' me to.

4:18

Because it's not just the desire for a baby that pushing, pushing, pushing me. It's the need - the craving - to be doing something, everyday, every hour, that I actually GIVE a fuck about.

I don't want to be here. That came to the forefront of realization when I saw how delighted I was at the thought of being fired. I'm working on my Career Development & Workplan now, and I realized that my number one problem is that I don't give a fuck. I've got no drive, no passion, no interest with most of the things that go on around here.

I need to be on a process team, where I'm challenged to do new things, create new processes, and actually have OTHER people give a fuck about it, rather than stuck here where half the people whine, and the other half play online.

Yea, I'm a little frustrated. Because I know I've got more in me - but why the hell should I give it to IP? I've got no reason to. I work hard enough to get my paycheck, and to keep things moving along, and anything extra is more than I have the energy/interest/passion in doing.

And, at the same time, I feel completely unauthentic at even PRETENDING like I want to move somewhere else - why, when I know (ovulation willing) I'll be flipping this place the long-term, kissmyass bird in less than a year?

So.

I don't know. I'm going to have to mull over this one at home. Can I fake it? I doubt it - I'm not busy enough to even build up that sort of head of steam. I'll have to think on it.

In more chapter appropiate news - I got a POSITIVE OPK!!! Wooott! That was *thinks* Yesterday. We've DTD almost 4 days in a row - I'm trying to stagger it so that we do it at night, skip a day, then do it in the morning. That seems to be the best plan to insure that we've got fresh sperm up there all the time. I also had EGGWHITE!! EGGWHITE!! I didn't think I could make eggwhite, and it was just a little bit, hanging out up by my cervix, but STILL!

We've had more sex in the last few days (back to back to back) than we've had in a while, and suprisingly enough, it's nice. It's not nearly as much of a chore as I expected it to be - sex with a purpose.

My chart makes us look like bunnies, but I don't care.

And - I think I ovulated today - this afternoon, actually, around 2ish. I was sitting here, and  there was this sudden, short, sharp cramp on my right side. That would be really nice, to get pregnant. If I do, my LMP needs to be 3/15, according to dates, and things.

I don't think I'll tell OD as a whole until I'm at 8-12 weeks. Anna just went through her miscarriage here, but - well, everydamn body knows how baby insane she is, so - it was more expected. I've kept my babyside to myself, because - well, just because that's how I roll. And, I'm gonna keep it to myself for as long as possible. Because, dammit. I jsut want to. My own little secret. Our little secret.

*sigh*

I haven't even gotten my coverlines yet, and I'm already dreading this 2WW.

I need to get out of here earleish.

4:30

Keepin on...

I keep coming here to write something - anything - and I just keep falling flat. I stare, and I think, and it's like - everything bubbling into my head is just - pfft.

Tomorrow is March 1st (also known as Burn the Condoms Day), so that's one big thing on my mind.

I'm in love with my car (and I'm a neglectful new car owner that I STILL haven't taken piccies - tomorrow is DITL though, so I'll be sure to snap a few then).

I still am bored brainless by my job.

I'm feeling guilt because the kitchen is STILL not done and the garden hasn't even been STARTED.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty guilty about a LOT of stuff that I want to do and haven't started/have started a dropped/am consiously ignoring.

I need new shoes, and new clothes, and I don't want to spend money.

I don't know. I'm restless, unsettled, bestirred, and a little reserved, and so instead of 'real' entries, you'll have to forgive me if the best I can do is random surveys.

I'm trying to note (after a huge purging of my faves that still isn't complete), but....

I suck. That's one thing I'm consistently good at. *lol*

Kids are just little people.....

Okay - some thoughts bout children and parenting and XYZ have been floating through my head for a while, and I want to write about them.... just my version of thinking outloud that I can preserve for myself.

I've always thought that kids were little people - heck, I call them little people half the time. It's - it's really a rather interesting way to look at kids - to really understand and - respect - really, their feelings/attitudes/viewpoints. I remember a while ago - most likely when I was with C's family for one reason or another, feeling so sad at how the kids were just - dismissed. Their feelings about a matter didn't seem to matter - it was like - you're short, so shuddup.  And most of the time - it was about things that really, in the whole scope of things, didn't really matter. But - it's faster and easier and simpler to just ignore someone than it is to 'lower' yourself - physically and emotionally - to look at things from their point of view. And that applies to little people and big people - when you don't understand someone else, it's much easier to just dismiss them, and say that they must be wrong, and really, it doesn't matter, than it is to work with them and to learn and understand and respect them.

 I've always known that all children do for the first few years of their life is learn how to be human - how to be people, basically. And that a huge part of parenting is being sure that you are teaching your kids the right things - by example, and by action. Each reaction to your child teaches them something, and I've realized that you really have to THINK about the implications of what you do - think that you don't know anything, and examine what YOU would learn from what you are about to do with/to/for your child. Kids are notoriously observant, and they pick up on things that some adults would never even notice.

I've been hanging around on crunchy parenting boards - and there is a very strong no-spanking attitude there - and spanking has always been the one parenting option that I have always been half and half on. Half because I was spanked, and honestly, I took it as a joke most of the time - a 'symbol' of punishment, that in the long run, meant jackall to me, besides giving me encouragement to insure that I didn't get caught. Half because - well, the whole teaching thing. Spanking is teaching your kids that it's okay to hit someone who is smaller than you, and who isn't doing what you want them to do.....and thinking of them as the perfect learners, and as little people - well, I've shifted almost totally onto the not-spanking side of the track.
I mean - how would I react if each time I did something that C didn't like, he hauled off and slapped my hand, or took a belt/strap and gave me a few licks? I would fight back like hell, is what I would do - and it certainly wouldn't improve our marriage, and it certainly wouldn't make me WANT to do whatever it was he wanted me to do in the first place. 
I don't hit my cat when he does something wrong - what's the point of hitting him? He's not going to associate what he DID with getting hit - he's just going to cringe each time I try to rub him.
I don't want my kids to think that fighting is a wise option - I want them to consider physical violence against others as an option of not only LAST resort, but also of severe duress - how will including spanking as punishment show them that physical violence is the last resort - and is only done in severe duress?  How will I teach them that it is unacceptable to hit their siblings and friends - when I, the person who is supposed to love them most - hits them 'because I love them'??
And then, there's the fact that spankings eeriely remind me (and almost always have - esp. when called 'whoopings') of slaves being beat on the plantation.  I firmly believe that the slave experience has warped every generation of AfAms in America is ways we are (and most likely always WILL be) blind to, and beating my child because they did something that I don't approve of - well. It doesn't sound right - it sounds like an option to either beat the spirit out of them, and encourage fear and avoidance of authority - or an encouragement to lie, and conceal, and be sneaky, and be withdrawn.
It's - uncomfortable - thinking back on how white men and women did the same thing to my ancestors because they viewed them as little more than animals.
You don't beat horses or dogs or dolphins or whales or elephants or tigers or lions or bears to teach them discipline and how to follow instructions - and I'm starting to feel that using spanking as discipline is basically saying that a human child is less intelligent than those animals, and unable to learn what is and is not acceptable and expected without physical pain....

But at the same time - even with all that logic - I have no CLUE of how to actually disipline children without it! It's an on-going joke in black culture about how 'bad' most little white kids are because they don't get whoopings. The concept of a 'time-out' is considered a weak parenting resort - a way to turn your child into a little brat who throws tantrums and cusses at their parents and grows up to shoot up schools and start illegal wars.

Just a little tap on the behind will teach them - teach them what? That I can hurt them if they don't do what I want? Who wants to teach their kids that? Who wants to encourage their children to be little sadists in that pain will provide them control over other people? I would rather my child burn their hand on the stove, than me to spank them for trying to touch it - at least that way they will clearly understand the real danger -  that momma was trying to protect me from something that hurts - rather than momma hurting me because I was doing something she doesn't want me to do.

*sigh*

It's REALLY hard, even thinking about this, and that troubles me SO much. Because - logically, I mean - come on! It makes perfect sense to NOT hit your kids. I mean - I'm going to do all that I can to protect them from pain everywhere ELSE in the world - and then I'm going to inflict pain on them to protect them from pain? *sigh* It's - stupid. It's - really, really stupid, actually - thinking about it logically.

And it's enourmously sad that I - and I think a lot of parents - simply don't KNOW any other way. I mean - really. If spanking wasn't considered so - so - okay - then people would work and look for other avenues to teach and to disipline their kids and it might make a difference. *sigh*

People always talk about how much 'badder' kids have gotten since they stopped doing corporal punishment in schools - but I think about what else has changed since then. How about the disintergration of the community and the extended family? How about all the crap we are pumping into the air and the food and the water? How about the violence that is shown and glorified on every channel of the TV - sometimes in such subtle ways that you don't even RELIZE there is violence occuring? How about the lack of attention most kids get from people who love them? How about the fact that kids don't play outside nearly as much anymore? I mean - shit, so much has changed in how kids are raised from then to now - how can any honest person point to corporal punishment and say - that's what the problem is?

*sigh* I'm really glad that I started thinking of this NOW - because it really is a mental shift. It's a mindchange to think of spanking as abuse - and interestingly enough, I think of it more as emotional abuse than physical. It's a real shift - even for me, who always thought of kids as little people - to realize that ya know what? I really SHOULD treat them the same way I want to be treated - and that if it's inhumane to beat a lion to train them - it's even more inhumane to beat a child.

It kinda scares me, and saddens me just how hard this is to process...and how I have to keep telling myself - I wouldn't hit a friend who was doing something I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my husband for doing something I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my boss for doing something that I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my cat for doing something I didn't like - why on the birght green Earth would I hit my child - who, besides the cat, understands the LEAST about what is expected of a little person?

It's really amazing - out of everything that I want to do around childrearing - this is the most radical.

ETA: And can I tell you how intensely uncomfy and scared and wondering it makes me that every time I talk/think/ponder spanking, my ass starts to tingle? And no, it's not even vaguely sexual or in a good way.... it's just - odd. It feels like a physical memory, and that bothers me deeply - esp. considering how nonchalant I feel about having been spanked.  

Fear. Worry. Insanity.

So.

At some point last week, as we were drifting off to sleep, C said - "I don't want to be 60 when my kids graduate from college." I muttured something reassuring (as my brain had already been taken offline). He then continued with, "I don't wanna be 50 when they graduate from high school" - and my slightly more on-line brain did the calculations, and my mouth muttered "Too late".

Two days later, we really sat down, and talked, and - holy shit, we are going to start trying to have a baby in the next few months.  I told him that I REALLLY don't wanna be super swole in the middle of summer, so - we need to try to time this right.  

I'm TERRIFIED.  I'm afraid that we won't be able to get pregnant, that I won't carry to term, that I'll have to have a c-section, that the baby will ahve a birth defect, that I'm going to hate staying home with a squalling brat, that we won't be able to survive on one income and I'll have to go back to work, that we'll get pregnant too SOON and not be able to save as much as we wanted, that I'll gain anotuher 100 pounds and will be the biggest momma in existence, that, that, that..........terror.

I never expected THIS reaction.  I know that I don't react all that well to change - this, I know. And I know, that having a sprite is about the biggest life change EVER, this I know.  But - I didn't expect to go through stomach-clenching, sweaty palm, moodswinging, insanity BEFORE I even get knocked up. I mean, REALLY.

Suddenly - life feels like it's moving waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too freaking fast. 

Um. For those who planned their bambinos, is this - normal? Or, is another aspect of my oddly obsessive personality coming out?

So. Anyhow. We are 'praticing' *wiggles eyebrows* for now - if I catch, I catch. According to our 'plan', I really SHOULD work about about another 20 months to have us financially cozier than a bug in a rug - but, if that timeline gets trimmed to 11 months, we'll still be fine - a little less cozy, but fine.

I'm going to smoke myself SICK over labor day weekend, and then, that'll be my last pack/puffs.

I'm already taking a daily multivitmin, (which I checked for folic acid) so, that base is covered.

I'm still trying to lose weight, but - meh.

Um. So, Yeah.

I'm not going to say that we are OFFICIALLY TTC until next year, because the less time I have to fret, the better.

I am ordering a OPK ferny thingy though - just to be sure that I AM ovulating.

*gulp*

Utterly. Insane.

Overload, Overload

Things I want to do with myself.....

1) Finish my freaking doula training
2) Immerse myself further - and regularly - in studying Kemetism
3) Grow 60% of our vegetables and fruits and 20% of our meat
4) Create an extremely energy effiecient house
5) Decorate our house
6) Lose weight
7) Pay off debts
8) Honor my friends/family/husband better

I think eight is enough, yes? I've been quietly muttering to myself  for WEEKS now about how much stuff I want to do/learn/be involved in, and how I most likely need to actually set up a - class schedule for myself. Cuz see, I desparately require structure and schedules, because I'm naturally a mulitasker, and if I don't have things outlined properly before I start, I end up running around like a chicken with it's head cut off - bouncing fruitlessly from one thing to another. Of course, I'm also rather talented with self-sabotage by procrastinating dreadfully as I try to 'organize' everything before I'm ready to start. Really, does all of life require such a dainty highwire act?

Looking at that list calmly, I - I honestly don't even know where to start. First, there is knowledge, then there is application. Perhaps the first thing I need to figure out is a timeline for each one..... how long am I 'giving' myself to do this stuff? Then - maybe with that outlined, I can take a breath and realize that not everything has to be done at once. So.

1) Finish my freaking Doula training.
I've got the details of what I need to do written out already - and I believe that my packet expires in April of  2007 - so that gives me a pretty solid timeline - 11 months.

2) Immerse myself further - and regularly - in studying Kemetism
I - I don't know where I want to reach with this - I honestly think that this will be an on-giong path of study from now til - forever. Let's say that my timeline here is more on scheduled time - twice a week, after work.

3)  Grow 60% of our vegetables and fruits and 20% of our meat
Another relatively long term process. I'd say I'd want to be at this point by Harvet 2009, which really, gives me all of this year to prepare the ground and pick out viable species, and next year to start growing, Harvest(s) of 2007 and 2008 to really get into the swing, and hopefully Harvest of 2009 will have me at this point. Of course - this one alone includes so much OTHER side stuff - I really do need to write all of this out.

4) Create an extremely energy effiecient house
I'd like for this to be 50% done by this winter (the stuff that requires exposure to outdoor air like replacing/recaulking windows) and then finish it this winter (like reinsulating the attic and maybe blowing some cellulose into the walls).

5) Decorate our house
Bah - you'd think this would be the easiest one - but once again, it's so overwhelming that I don't know where to start. Actually, that's not true. I KNOW that the first room we will do is going to be the library - period. The next will most likely be the downstairs bathroom - but once again, there a bit of a learning curve - need to write this out in detail too.

6) Lose weight
Gah!! Consistent, on going, always - but it's really becoming - important. Not important - crucial. I don't know how much I weigh, I really don't WANT to know how much I weigh, but I can guarentee you that I could lose 100 pounds and NOT be considered underweight. That - I'm certian of, and it - concerns me. How can I live healthily, if I'm not - healthy? I'm - I'm really not interested on going back on Atkins, largely because - I want to focus on eating real food - not soy protien/whey powdered imitations of food. If I want bread, dammit, it's going to be homemade with a smear of butter and a dab of homemade jam. I don't think that's asking for too much - *sigh* I need to find a natropathic doctor too. But - I was talking about timelines. Hm. *sighs* yet another ongoing process. Let's say - by 2007, I'll have lost 25 pounds. That's a little less than a pound a week.

7) Pay off debts
*laughs* This is actually the only one that I'm pretty - calm and confident about. Our budget has been shot all to shit since the Amazing Race trip, and our move has totally changed the baseline outflow, and hopefully C will get this other (much, much, much higher paying) job, and well - I've firmly decided that we will at least get a bit of a grasp on our income/outflow by the end of the month, and most likely over the next month tweak it a bit - but I strongly suspect that we will be out of debt (except for the mortgage) by mid 2007, if not late 2006. Okay, late 2006 is a delightfully hopeful dream, but we shall see.

8) Honor my friends/family/husband better
This one is so vague - but it's ongoing, and it's something that I MUST do. I have to get better at not just creating, but nuturing the relationships that I start. I don't quite know how - but, this is something that I must figure out.  Gah. We aren't even going to get into my nerouses around interpersonal relationships. I need a good self-help book.

Hmm... I kinda feel better. Sorta. *sighs* Okay. The ongoing things, are automatically on my platter. Relationships, Weight, Kemetism, Debt.  Then the short term stuff - Library, Doula, Knowledge of Garden type stuff.  Then, the longer term stuff - Energy Effieciency, actually growing stuff in the garden.

Ongoing stuff.... Weight will have to be addressed daily.  Relationships will have to be addressed daily. Kemetism, two days a week - back to back days - so let's say Wednesday and Thursday. Debt, once a month - maybe twice - but it's on a weekend, so let's say Sundays.
Short Term stuff.... Library should be a two, maybe three weekend project once we decide exactly what we want to do to it. So, let's say for the next week, that's my goal - dig through all of those decorating magazines/get paint books/and put together a real deisgn for the room. Doula - I have GOT to email A - I haven't talked to her in a while *sheesh* because I really knew that for the month or two that I was house obsessed, I would be screwing shit up. So, I'll email her this afternoon....then find a farking childbirth class - even if it IS the one at Baptist/Methodist this weekend. Knowledge of Garden type stuff - humph - I'll write out the full plan later today - I have a couple of book winging their way towards me, and I need to unpack the seed magazines, which are hidden in the depths of the library somewhere.
Long Term stuff - The only thing I really need to look into RIGHT now are windows. *sighs* This is an old house, and I doubt that ONE window in this house matches any other window, so yeah, this'll be fun. I wonder how hard it is to replace them yourself. Based on DIY - it's not that hard - the hard part will be finding windows that match the house - I don't want ultra modern looking windows. *makes face*

It's interesting to me - how much stuff I've started to HAVE to write down, because there just isn't enough room in my brain for all of it. Gah, I've GOT to find a good doctor. *snorts* Of course, the likelihood of him/her being covered by my insurance is laughable, but - *shakes head* I'm so not physically well.  I'm seriously about to have to ressurect my daily planner. And - I had already said that I wanted a white board in the house to keep up with stuff.

BirthDay

How to start? It was - amazing - interesting - incredible - yet, at the same time, somewhat disappointing.

M's water broke around 9ish, shortly before her appt. with her doctor (who was flying out of town later that afternoon to visit his mom - go figure!), and the doc wanted her to check into the hospital. She talked him into letting her go home to get her bags, and called in A (the doula) from there. She was 1cm/90% effaced at that time.
We met at her house around 1 - contractions were still pretty irregular & mild, and A started her one a series of homeopathic stuff to get the contractions really going. J (the dad) went and dropped the doggie off at the kennel, and when he came back (around 2) we went for a walk around their complex. He really wanted her to go to the hospital (he was wanting to stick to the doctors schedule) so, we left to go to the hospital around 2:30ish or so.
Once they were all checked in, the long haul started. Thankfully, the nurses were really nice - they had all worked with A before, and the on-call doc didn't show up until around 5 - her contractions were still pretty irregular at that point - but they were strong enough that she couldn't talk through them anymore. The doc checks her at 5pm, and says that she is still just 1cm. She tells him that she's had a LEAP done (13 years ago!) and he comments that LEAP's can often scar the cervix and cause dilation issues, so while he's checking her, he stretches her cervix out to 3cm.
After that - the contractions really started picking up. By 10ish, she was hitting transtion, and was really starting to be out of it. A talked her into getting into the shower, and the second the water hit her back, she dropped to her knees (which freaked me out! I thought she had fallen!) and started grunting that she needed to push.

At that point, all hell broke loose. See - the whole labor had been really low key - me, A, M & J in the room - listening to jazz and Norah Jones - M was doing visualizations and breathing through her contractions - the lights were dim - it was really - laid back. As soon as she started bearing down though - *shakes head* about 5 nurses showed up, plus the doc. They turned on the big bright lights, they wheeled in extra equipment - it was - insane, to say the least. And - they almost totally IGNORED M. It - it was actually rather surreal. But - she pushed for MAYBE 45 minutes - I think closer to half an hour, and little (tiny! 6lb4oz/19in) Sarah was born at 11:35pm. 

It was a REALLY quick labor for a first time mom, and she - oh wow ya'll - she was soooo - strong, and intense, and - beautiful really. The delivery was - what I had expected from a hospital birth (he gave her an episiotomy DESPITE her not wanting one - and really - a SIX pound baby???!! she soooo didn't need to be cut) and it wasn't - icky - really at all.

So - it was kinda disappointing to me personally - it was - odd, being the 'apprentice'. I'm glad that I was with A for the birth - but - I felt pretty darn useless, honestly. I occasionally helped when J was on the phone or A was in the bathroom, but other than that, I drifted on the outside feeling very much - out of place. Birth is a very intimate time, and since I didn't really have any  assigned roles - I was definitely the 4th wheel on the tricycle. A called me this morning because another one of her clients was in labor (she cut those two CLOSE) and she asked me if I wanted to go, and I said no - largely because I was still trying to review the first birth, and secondly because I'd never even MET this woman - I wouldn't feel the least bit comfy being at her birth - esp. considering that A had been at her previous birth so they had even more of a connection already. I'm trying to figure out how I should handle this - should I ask that I be a part of all of her prenatal visits? Should I limit myself to just being backup and accept the fact that I won't meet the moms ahead of time? I think that me & A need to sit down and talk about what my role should be - I really didn't like feeling like a voyuer at her birth. And being the ice/chux/water/essential oils fetcher wasn't so bad, at least once M's contractions really required some thought to get through - but....... gah. It wasn't what I expected.

However! I'm so - so much more calm about being a doula, in and of itself. I know that M's birth was - a dream, really, all things considered. She was very much so prepared, the doc really didn't give a damn as long as she had the baby before the 24 hours were up, the nurses were very laid back, her hubby was fully participatory, she wasn't having back labor - it was a dream birth, really. And seeing the role that A took - *grins* I SOOO know that I can do this - I definitely won't have the same style - she's very different from me - but - at least now I'm pretty sure that I won't royally fuck up if I'm on my own.

I did not even attempt to claim the birth as one for my certification - I didn't feel like I DID enough to even attempt to claim it. A asked me about the form for the doc, and I just shook my head - at that point I hadn't figured out WHY I wasn't going to claim it - but really - that's why. I didn't feel like I added anything to the birth - nothing that was significant enough to count it as part of my certification.

What did I learn? I know that I want to learn more about homeopathics and using them to encourage contractions. I know that I need to get a 'uniform' - I really don't WANT to wear scrubs (I think they are hideous, and look funny on me, and dammit, I'm too stylish for that ish) but that means I have to find something else. I need some proper shoes, and I need to get some clients. I need to review the pressure points. I need to strengthen my legs so that I can squat for long periods of time without getting wobbly.

So. :) That was it. It was wonderful - and - not the least bit - gross, in any way shape or form. I wanted to get a better look at the placenta - but the doc was grossed out by it, so he trashed it ASAP. Ah well.

*wrings hands*

M's water broke on her way to her doctors appointment - she's having some mild contractions - we're going to meet up at her house around 1pm - I'm so glad I got the stuff for my bag YESTERDAY - and I'm so glad that she started on a FRIDAY - I'll only have to take a half day.

*pants*

I'm SOOOOOOOOO damn nervous. My hands are sweating.

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*blinks*

*gasps*

Oh my god ya'll.... I'm about to go to a birth!!

*grins*

 

Cycles....

I know I go through cycles, and I really wish I could time them so that I'm aware of when my next internal insanity is going to rear it's nasty little head. The cycles vary - I have high points and low points on my personal graph of life and everything. The main variables are usually money, babies, work, weather - not always in that order. "That Girl" does a saucy scale on her entries - I would need four! But at least my hubby isn't included in one of those insanity triggers - usually in fact, he calms me down.
Sidebar: Can I say that he is so wonderful? I've noticed that I don't talk about C much (unless he's pissing me off - which he hasn't done in a WHILE) - but really, my husband rocks. There are somedays when I come home and I just have to love all over him because I don't ever want him to think that there is a thing that I would change - and really there isn't (most days). He's a wonderful, amazing, man. *laughs* Okay - as I'm typing this - I can hear Minnie Riperton's 'Loving You' playing from SOMEWHERE in the office. How appropiate.: End Sidebar
So - I (being not quite bored, but don't quite feel like doing the hideous work of consolidating a spreadsheet and a database) considered making one of those little biorhythm type graphs of each of my crazy making points, on a scale of one to ten. (have I ever mentioned that I LOVE excel?) and then noting how I feel about each one on a day to day basis. I know, I know - silly, but - well - I need another excuse to play with excel!

Um. Damn. There was something else I wanted to type about, but now I can't remember what it was.  One cool thing that I have noticed lately?? I can ALMOST touch type. I type slower thna my usual 120 wpm speed - but I'm not looking at the keyboard. That is one danger of 'learning' how to type by chatting - if I'm writing from the head, my fingers literally FLY - but if I have to transcribe something, I'm slow as molasess. Of course, I can't SPELL at al, but really - who needs to be able to spell?

I've noticed that many very intelligent people that I know have a bigger written vocabulary than they do a spoken one. I'm one of those people - there are words that I can spell, but I can't say.  Like ask.  Yes, I'm one of those people who say axe, and it drives me BATTY, and as much as I've tried, I've yet to figure out how to say it right. How do I overcome it at work?  I NEVER say - Hey - can I ask you something? I always say - Hey - I've got a question for you...... I even TYPE - quick question? when using our internal IM software. *shakeshead* But - that's not really the kind of vocab I was talking about. *thinks* I wish I could remember what word it was - but it happened recently, and you could tell that the person KNEW what the word was they were using, they just couldn't pronounce it.

Some coworkers of mine are having a conversation right now about not being able to move/leave their job because of retirement. One of them said that her husband has 15 years left at work in order to get his retirement pay. FIFTEEN YEARS??? Holy shit. I mean - *tilts head* maybe it's my age group. I can't - I can't imagine working at one place for 25 years. I can't imagine WANTING to work at one palce for 25 years.  I guess - maybe as you progress up the company ladder, it get's eaiser? Or is it just a rut?

I don't know.

There's really so much that I think I know, that I know that I don't really know. Until you actually experience something, you don't really KNOW it. Book knowledge and experiential knowledge are two entirely different things. Obvious, but - hard sometimes. Esp. for someone as curious as I am - I feel like I know a little bit about a lot - but really, I don't know much about much at all.

3/3/06

Wow - I got lots of responses to that last entry, rather thoughtful ones too. Funnily enough, I had forgotten I had written that, and when I logged in I was like - DANG!! Where all the notes come from? Anyhow!

Had a wonderful, wonderful weekend. Me & the Boy crept out of town and had a wonderful weekend in South Carolina - did ya'll know they have palm trees there? It was rather trippy - I thought I was just still sleepy - but nope, they were real palm trees. We stayed in this wonderful sexy hotel, and wandered around the city (and can I tell you how LOVELY the weather was) and ate food that just isn't offered in Memphis (like GREEK!!!) and - generally had a fabulous time.

We're actually going to be going out/social birds for the rest of the month. On the 20th, we are going to a wrestling event (that I brought tickets for and didn't tell the Boy about - he's gonna CRAP!) and a Grizzlies game (the company offered tickets for 5 bucks - but we ARE in the nosebleed section, so we may or may not go to that one) on the 28th - which is also our first wedding anniversary. We'll most likely celebrate the second this year, as it lands on a weekend. 

Also - I finally got the ovaries up to email AM (the doula I'm working with) and ask her about the long silence and wonder of wonders!! She actually got really GOOD feedback from the couple we saw, and she's just been really busy and didn't get a chance to answer my email.  Can I tell you how much better (and worse) that makes me feel? Better because, well, I don't suck. Worse, because well - she didn't respond to the email - is that a sign of things to come? Anyhow, she suggested that I pack a doula bag (which, I already have - the only thing missing out of it is something for my hands - I should learn how to knit or something). So *deep breath* I feel SO much better about that. 
I still haven't made up my brochures - largely because I'm debating being cheap and flimsy, or being expensive and sturdy. Basically, it's all about paper weight. Standard paper weight is 24lbs - but it's also rather flimsy and - well, it has a rather homemade feel about it. Brochure weight is 32lbs - a little more sturdy, but still a heck of a lot lighter than cardstock. It's also a heck of alot more expensive than cardstock OR regular paper - I think because it's mainly used for resumes. I don't really WANT to use glossy brochure paper (even more expensive), and I haven't found a good source for 32lb paper in the color I want. I need to go to xpedx and see if I can find some there.  Maybe I'll do that tonight.

Ohhhh!! Yes - during the drive to SC, something CLICKED in my head around the whole 'fear of my own light' issue.  I realized that I don't LIKE going outside of - predetermined paths. I'm not a real pathbreaker - I like to travel paths that others have traveled and that I KNOW will get me to exactly where I'm going. I'm not all that eager to experiment with my life. And - as I was thinking about that, I realized, that ya know - the path that I want to follow isn't one that can be mapped out ahead of time for one person, and then work perfectly for everyone else. It's too - unique, too specialized, too much me and not enough society. So - with that thought in mind, I realized that one thing that I can do to - ease - a lot of the fear that I have is to map OUT my path. I've done it from the financial side via our budget (oh, our poor creaky budget), but I've never really outlined in detail the other things that I need to do in order to get where I want to be going.
If I have my path mapped out - I can at least follow the first few steps that I think are right, then at least I've made a start. And once I follow those first few steps, I can regroup, and see where I am, and figure out the next ones to take. I basically have to scout out my life. *creep&crawlcreep&crawl* So, yeah. That's my goal for this week - actuall get down on paper what I want to do - and list out at least five steps of how to further that. *nods* And ya know, that's not the LEAST bit scary.

Honestly.....

There's a saying - something about fearing your own light?

 

---

 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

 

---

 

I'll be sitting here, and reading something online (as I tend to do for most of the day) and my heart will go 'squish' and my palms will get sweaty, and my eyes will get that 'almost-maybe-kinda-wanna-cry' feeling, and I have to take deep breaths and find an inspirational song just to keep going.

And it really sucks, because beyond every reason that I ever give for not standing up, sweeping all my tchoktes into a box, and dropping off my ID as I walk past my notbosses' desk is fear. Not fear of not being able to pay my bills. Not fear of getting evicted. Not fear of not having high-speed cable (the horror!). But a deep, gut centered fear of failure. A fear of actually standing up and claiming that I am grownup, and I am able, and I am tenacious, and I am free of any expectations besides those I place on myself. Nothing is scarier to me than disappointment. Nothing breaks my heart faster than me disappointing others, or others disappointing me. And the thought - the very idea that I might truly fail and disappoint myself - is painful - and terrifying.

I have a hard time believing in myself. I have - doubts. I fear that the light I think I have is just a lie that I've told myself for so many years that I've forgotten what the truth is. And I'm utterly and completely terrified that I'll try to stand and walk my own path, and I'll fail royally, and I'll never even be ABLE to work up the nerve to try again - and then what will I do?

But at the same time, the thought that I might never be a mother/midwife/writer is so foreign to everything that I ever thought I was and could and can be - it's - terrfiying. But - the thought that I might not be who I should be is still less scary than the thought of trying to be what I should be - and failing.

Am I really willing to passively give away my spirit because of my fear rather than potentially throwing away the material aspect of my life in a big noble gesture of hope and determination?

No. and, Yes - if we are still being honest. I'm not - ready. Really, I'm not. And what scares me even more is that I don't know if I'll ever develop the bravery to be ready. And - that disappoints me.

Post-It Butterflies

Sometimes - no, scrap that, Most of the times, I feel like there is so damn much that I WANT to be able to do, and just not quite enough time in a day to do it.  Or - maybe more importantly than time - there's just not quite enough energy in me to do it all in a day - or, not even a day, but I don't have the strength required to balance too many more balls than I am balancing right now. Sometimes I'll get little surges of energy and scoop up something new to my plate, but I've learned to keep an eye on those urges, and be sure that whatever I was about to scoop up, I will actually still be able - and willing - to juggle once that surge of energy fades. 

*sighs* I feel like I have a trail of mental post-its following me with little subjects on it of all the things I want to do and just haven't.  Like DAMMIT! I still haven't ordered any seeds for my garden this year.

*shakes head* And if I think about it, I'll jsut get frustrated and start hating my job even more (this is SO not the joyful returning of my gifts to the community) so instead, I'll wrap this up, and despite it being only 4:48, and I didn't get here til 9am, I'm heading out into the fresh freakishly warm air, and sigh.

 

Terrible Tuesday....

Largely because I'm all out of work. The Access 'issue' that I thought would keep me tied up for a while I finally girded my loins, sat down, put on my iPod, and focused on it for four and a half hours straight, and got it done. *sigh* So - that was next to the last thing on my list, and I'm still waiting for someone else to fix something so I can finish testing something else and.... *sigh* It's going to be a long week.

I had chocolate milk with lunch today, and I keep burfing creamy chocolately goodness. Overshare? Maybe.

I got my doula business cards yesterday - they are sooooo shexzy. Which, really, is kinda an odd thing to say, but I mean DAMN. They are soooo hot. Hot, Hot, Hoooot. So, now for the brochures.
I'm kinda concerned - it's been a week even, and I haven't heard a peep from AM. I know she's still alive cuz I get other unrelated emails - but what if the nice couple said they hated me or I had shifty eyes or something? I'm really deepbreathing about all of it, but ARRRGH woman - let me know something.
I'm so not a tendertart. I'd rather know bad news than dance on little springs about whether the news is going to be bad or not. Just TELL me, already.
*more deepbreathing*

So, the weekend. Went out, hung out over a friends house, basically chilled. Didn't watch the game, didn't even think about the game in fact. Ah, the wonders of living in a mostly sports free household. I finished the training (which was longer and more involved than I expected) for this work at home thing, and the phone lines should be on tommorow, so I guess I need to keep an eye out for a good headset. Oooohhh....just had a sudden thought. Hm, nah, that won't work. Ah well, I'll have to do some comparison shopping.

Ah well, at least it's given me some nice uninterrupted time to write. I've never finished a short story - I usually want to pack too much into it, and it irks me to have to strip a tale down to it's really important component parts. What do you mean I can only have ONE plotline? And then, I started thinking about AfricanAmerican folk tales, esp about the supernatural, but couldn't find a good online source. I'm pretty sure I have some books at home that have a couple of stories in them.....but that's not helping me right NOW, now is it??

What else, what else? Sweet Jesu, it's only 3:10.

I seriously have to start getting up earlier.

 

Holy Cow,

It's only WEDNESDAY?? Sheesh, this week is really dragging.

So, work - right? I write so much more at work than I EVER do when I'm at home, largely because well - at home I actually have ISH to do.

So - I think that yesterday I wrote about my explorations in the world of Thrift for wineglasses, and my utter failures thereof. However! Hope was seen on the horizon from William-Sonoma. Hah! I went, I browsed, I picked up a single (SINGLE) plain wine glass and noted the price tag of 7.99 (for ONE!) and fled to the Target across the parking lot, where I NOT ONLY got 12 (a full dozen, ya'll) wineglasses (plain, yes, but I was desparate by then) for 8.88. I only got one box, because it was the last box of 'general purpose' wine glasses, but now as I think of it, I'm kicking myself for not grabbing the box of red wine glasses as well. Dammit. Ah well, let's see how long it takes for us to go through twelve. And anything other than glass wine glasses are atravesty, so let's not even go there, hmmm??

Went to the interview (appointment?) with my DoulaMentor (hereby known as DM. Hm, AM) and it went - well, I think. I realized that I tend to be a very - exuberant - person, and AM is a lot more laid back - I think a lot of her laidbackness is the fact that she has three kids, a dog, a husband in school, and a little bit of the dreaded doula burnout. So - we shall see - I really didn't talk much, but I interjected a few things (mostly useful, I thought) and I think that it went well. I hope that it went well - AM is going to call them tonight and get some feedback for me. *crosses fingers*

Ah yes, I actaully started the entry meaning to talk about work - hah! Okay - I've got basically three things on my plate - the Access database that I can drag out for-EVER (well, not really, but I can easily squeeze another week out of it if I can jsut get this damn search function to work). Another, that I've mostly finished, but need some outside input on, because otherwise I'd just reallllly be doing busywork, and while I don't MIND busywork (I used to love folding brochures) I insist that it's actually USEFUL,  and a third thing that I can't start on until they rerelease the system to users - which isn't supposed to happen until tomorrow. My coworkers are involved in things - but honestly, sometimes I wonder. Is my workload REALLY that much lighter, or are they just dicking around 7/10ths of the time? Because good lord - the way these people moan and groan about ALLLLLLL the work they have to do - yet as soon as someone else volunteers to help them, it's all - No, I need to finish this - No, I'm almost done, - No, I've got in under control. GGRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And when I scope the room (going for water) I'd say at LEAST 7/10ths of the screens are on SOME non-work related webpage. And then - also, I think that they - are - well, anal? As well as WAY too volunteeristic, but then, I can be a biatch. Heh.
So, yeah, I just think that I'm a little faster, and a little more susceptible to being bored. *sigh* I can't believe I'm going to say this - but I miss my old job. At least the workload was ungodly there. I most certainly, however, do NOT miss living in Indiana. *shudder* *sigh* I seriously would have stayed with Lilly if they could have just gotten me the HELL out of Indiana. Really.

Hmmm... I think I'll go to the other thrift store for lunch....maybe I can score some more books. And I need a semi-attractive, neat, box type object to store my crafting stuff in. I leave in under the table in clear plastic boxes now, but I'm hoping for sumthin a lil purtier.

Schemes, and other things.

So.

*laughs* I scared the holy hell out of C last night. I got home before he did, and I was sitting at the computer in my lounge wear. He gave me this look, then said "You DID go to work today, right??" I just looked at him and said "I think I'm gonna quit." *laughs* The expression on his face was PRICELESS. It was funny, if it wasn't so damn serious.

The original plan was to stay around here until our debt was paid off (Sept of 2007) which is like what - another year and a half? *rolls around laughing and crying* Um no, that is SOOO not going to happen at the rate things are going now. But - the thing is you see, is that once our debt is paid off, we can live on about 2000.00 a month - which would make me being a doula/midwife in training so much less stressful, as C's income alone can cover that nicely, and any money I made from clients could be split between household expenses and going back into the business. Anyhow.

Where I think I'm going with all of this is that what I NEED to be focused on is paying off the debt - more so than I already AM, of course. Since it's debt, not expenses, we can't trim them down - we just have to pay more on them. And that means another semi-steady source of income, and that means a *gasp* nother job for one (or both) of us. Now, C has already made it perfectly clear that he does NOT want to get a second job, and ya know, I really can't blame him. Second jobs suck - especially when they aren't REALLY required - which at this point, it isn't. But - I'm willing to get one (something I can do at home!!!) and dump any income from there onto the debtload. The more money I can make (doing - whatever!) the faster the debt can get paid off, and the faster the debt gets paid off, the faster I can escape this mindnumbing, soulsucking, energysink of a job.

Good heavens, I'm SOO bloody spoiled. Spoiled ROTTEN in fact. But - I know what I want, and I know it ain't this, and despite the fact that this ain't really all that bad - it sucks for me. And so, I'mma fix it - or at least try.

Wish me luck.

Days Go By.....

So. Tommorow, around 9:10pm, I'll officially be 29.

It's - interesting, me getting older - esp with all else that has been happening to me and around me. Looking back over the years, I'm certainly NOT where I thought I would be at 29, but - I'm - happy with where I am. I have a husband whom I love (and loves me), I've got a job that pays the bills and a plan for the future. I've got friends, and joy, and love. I don't have kids - or a house - yet, but - I see that in our close future. And really - I'm - HAPPY, dare I say it?

What else? As I was just recently telling a friend of mine, these are the most boring days of my life ever - but I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I'm working with a local doula as an apprentice - she/we have a client due on the 14th (or so her doc tells her, but she usually runs long) and wouldn't THAT be a birthday gift from heaven! Me & The Boy are applying to be on Amazing Race 10 - wouldn't THAT be just - fucking FABULOUS? My mommy is happily settled into her new house. We still only have one cat, but I figure that if we should get another, one will - land on our doorstep so to speak. I've been working out (have any of you guys heard of Tabata Intervals? They are MURDER, to say the least - but my new mantra is I can do ANYTHING for 20 seconds), I've been writing, I've been working on my small business Idea (outside of doulaing). Life is -  wonderful.

I've noticed that the years where my birthday (the 13th) falls on a Friday tend to be - interesting years - years of radical change - to say the least. :) Even though my life is boringly wonderful now - I could deal with some radical change, because I KNOW that the change will just shove me - us - further down the path to the rest of our life. :) And The Boy actually made it home in time for us to ring in the new year together - can you believe I almost forogt to kiss him? *laughs* It's been so long, I forgot about that delightful little bit of tradition. So - the year started well, it's been going well, - *smiles* and I see good things in our future.

Salud!

On the Cusp of something New.....

So - what's happened to me this year?

• New Job
• New City
• New Friends
• New Diary Name
• My kitling died
• My mommy brought a house
• We started a budget and stuck to it
• I started exercising
• I stopped smoking
• I learned how to make homemade sourdough
• I started training to be a doula
• I went to therapy
• I learned how to swim
• We brought a new car (without going further into debt)
• We brought a new computer (without going further into debt)
• We got new phones (without going further into debt)
• We've paid off a lot of our debts

All in all, it's been a DAMN good year. It's had some rough spots - but really, 2005 has been a GOOD year for me. Somehow, I think that next year will be even better (come on POWERBALL!!!) and I think that this New Years Eve will be remarkable in its peace. I considered going out, and doing the damn thing - but eh. I thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it, and finally said - ya know, the only reason I would be going out is because I'm 'supposed' to, and not really because I wanted to. So, tonight it'll just be me & the hubby (and I'm hoping that this year, he MIGHT make it home in 2005 so we can celebrate the start of 2006 together) and the kitling and some champange, and black eyed peas, and collard greens, and cornbread, and ham. Oh yeah, I'mma do it up RIGHT.
So - may next year be the best year of your life - at least until the year after that.
Cheers, Salut, and Love!!!
Kiya!

a.r.g.h.

Ya know....there are things that you can do something about, and there are things that you can't do anything about, and heaven knows that the difference between the two is sometimes so glaringly obvious that I cringe at just how MUCH I want to meddle - knowing quite well that I have a) no damn place to meddle and b) not enough information to meddle.
So instead, I bite my tongue, and come here to vent/kevtch/mutter grimly about the horrid state of care for mothers to be.
My boss is pregnant - well, she will be until around 2:45pm this afternoon. Her due date is the 31st. They are scheduling her for a c-section - for 'low' amniotic fluid (which consider how small she's been through her whole pregnancy, I suspect has been the case all along, and I'd LOVE to know what her numbers are) and because the baby is breech. TWO WEEKS EARLY????? Ummm - and she's a first time mom??? Shesssshhhhhhh people! *thumps head on desk* *bangs head a little harder* *cries in pure frustration* And mind you - she's tired, yeah - but she wasn't anywhere near the 'Oh sweet jesus get this kid OUT of me stage'. 

So see - not a damn thing I can do. Not even a damn thing I can say at this point. I just bite my tongue, and curse the fact that another woman is having a c-section despite the lack of any serious risk to babe. and TWO WEEKS EARLY!!! Holy shit! If she was due - hell, post dates, I might - MIGHT - understand. But two weeks EARLY? *sigh*

Jaysus. Jaysus! Dammit!

It's not my birth, and I know damn well that it's not my birth, but - it's - *sigh* don't know the whole story. Give the doc the benefit of the doubt. *snork*

Breathe.
Curse.
Breathe.

Ah, well. *shrugs*

I'm seriously going to cry if the babe has to go to the NICU for underdeveloped lungs. And her family tends to go post dates? *shakes head*

*sigh*

and another thing that I've noticed that is REALLLLY starting to creep me out - a LOT of YOUNG women taking clomid/going through infertility treatments - or at least on OD. I can understand it if you are 30ish - okay, yeah, infertility treatments - okay. But 21? 23? Damn - isn't that supposed to be like peak babymaking times in a womans life? And is it horrid of me to wonder if these TTC diares of these super young woman are actually real? esp considering when they write about stuff and can't even spell the words right? Or when they are asking noters to tell them when to start taking the hormones instead of their doctor? Eh.