Fear. Worry. Insanity.

So.

At some point last week, as we were drifting off to sleep, C said - "I don't want to be 60 when my kids graduate from college." I muttured something reassuring (as my brain had already been taken offline). He then continued with, "I don't wanna be 50 when they graduate from high school" - and my slightly more on-line brain did the calculations, and my mouth muttered "Too late".

Two days later, we really sat down, and talked, and - holy shit, we are going to start trying to have a baby in the next few months.  I told him that I REALLLY don't wanna be super swole in the middle of summer, so - we need to try to time this right.  

I'm TERRIFIED.  I'm afraid that we won't be able to get pregnant, that I won't carry to term, that I'll have to have a c-section, that the baby will ahve a birth defect, that I'm going to hate staying home with a squalling brat, that we won't be able to survive on one income and I'll have to go back to work, that we'll get pregnant too SOON and not be able to save as much as we wanted, that I'll gain anotuher 100 pounds and will be the biggest momma in existence, that, that, that..........terror.

I never expected THIS reaction.  I know that I don't react all that well to change - this, I know. And I know, that having a sprite is about the biggest life change EVER, this I know.  But - I didn't expect to go through stomach-clenching, sweaty palm, moodswinging, insanity BEFORE I even get knocked up. I mean, REALLY.

Suddenly - life feels like it's moving waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too freaking fast. 

Um. For those who planned their bambinos, is this - normal? Or, is another aspect of my oddly obsessive personality coming out?

So. Anyhow. We are 'praticing' *wiggles eyebrows* for now - if I catch, I catch. According to our 'plan', I really SHOULD work about about another 20 months to have us financially cozier than a bug in a rug - but, if that timeline gets trimmed to 11 months, we'll still be fine - a little less cozy, but fine.

I'm going to smoke myself SICK over labor day weekend, and then, that'll be my last pack/puffs.

I'm already taking a daily multivitmin, (which I checked for folic acid) so, that base is covered.

I'm still trying to lose weight, but - meh.

Um. So, Yeah.

I'm not going to say that we are OFFICIALLY TTC until next year, because the less time I have to fret, the better.

I am ordering a OPK ferny thingy though - just to be sure that I AM ovulating.

*gulp*

Utterly. Insane.