Friday, April 29, 2005

*does a funky lil dance* (more eBayisms)

With a minute left - ONE FREAKING minute - somebody outbid me!! by 2.50 - which I think was the minimum bid. Yes! yes! YES!!!!! :) I so happy now.


Okay. I impatient too..... I'm about to just send this dude the money and say screw the measely 50 cents. I mean really, A - fifty cents? Hah! Paypal calculated it correctly anyhow - the cheaper way, I should say. Yes, yes.... I'm cheap.


And....I'm thinking about getting a gameboy advance. I was thinking about a PSP, but the main game I wanna play (YuGiOh) isn't available for the PSP.


Ohhh.. tempting, tempting, tempting.


That would be a fun lil treat for me (since I've been all responsible and ish), and as I've saved 400.00 bucks by going with eBay.....ooohhhhh.......but it's not very cute. Hmmm.... maybe. Maybe not. Knowing me, not.


What I really want is a PSP. But I want Yugi! Dammit. I might have to jack the TV from my hubby this evening.


Also, I realized that I have some seriously dementedly funny favorites. *wipes tears from eyes* ooohhh...so crazy.


But see... the problem is that I want - I crave - a tiny little new electronic toy. I've got the digital camera, I don't use my palm pilot enough to justify a new one (though - purty color screen & silver tungsteen's are ppuuuuuurrrtttyyyy) but - electronics. Oooohhhhh. (and I'm being notewhorish today as I keep saving this entry, then coming back to edit it. Boredom is dangerous, and it's esp. bad on Friday).



and as I'm mad about Blue (mad about yyyyouuuuuu) I would get that color too. But see - I need to be sure my COMPUTER works before I do any of that - makes no sense to get one and not be able to get mp3's, yes?


But really - how often would I use it? Not often..........which is the sad part bout me - I'm perfectly happy/comfy with the minimum, but occasionally I go a little consumption crazy.


But - LOOK!!!




shiiinnnyyyyy......collllloooorrrr........oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh...........


See....if I still rode the bus, these kind of timewasting purely entertaining eletronic items might be rather useful and worthwhile. But - I drive. And when I'm not driving, I'm reading. Hell, even if I still travelled for work it would be useful. Otherwise it's just a big sparkly toooooyyy.


Okay - why does eBay have 'Mystery Auctions'?? You don't know what you're buying, and usually you're bidding on the CONTAINER - not whatever's in it. Hmmmm......interesting.
Or - I could buy a bag of unsearched Brazilian emeralds....
Or - I could buy a box from Saddam Huessein's palace....


*shakes head*

ooohhh... sparklies....

Every once in a while, I get this craving for a new piece of jewelry (usually anytime I have something even vaguely like extra money in my account.) As I've expressed several times, I HEART eBay, and when I really want to drool, I go there and look. 


See - the interesting thing is that I already own several center stones - I purchased them YEARS ago because I got a GREAT deal on them, and they are all loose - no place to go, no way to wear them. anyhow......Items I'd love to get & use....


 



 



 



If I could get this one without the center stone - oooohhhhh.......



*sigh* *drool* *drool &  sigh* Sparklies, sparklies, sparklies!!! If I had any sense, I would design my own and be done with it. *sigh* *drool*


Or of course, I could quit drooling, get my wedding set redipped (damn white gold) and get them properly cleaned, and start wearing some of the rings I have now.


But that's not NEARLY as fun, now is it?

T&G&I&FFffffffffffff (in other words - eBay!)

Ah yes, finally Friday. The end of the work week, and even sweeter, PAYDAY!!!! Yaaaayyyyy!!!!


So - last night I got vey techy. Took my laptop home, sat down with a random assortment of itty bitty screwdrivers, and proceeded to take apart the screen. That part went VERY smoothly - was able to look at the LCD (such a thin, delicate little piece of machinery) and confirm the part number. Bastids at Gateway don't list the GENERIC part number on their site, just their internal part number - and then have the neve to not even SELL the replacement part. *rolls eyes* Anyhow, went back to wonderful Ebay ( ) and found the screen - cheapest I'd seen anywhere, as most shops were quoting 460.00, the few online stores I could find were quoting 375-415 for JUST the LCD, and eBay had it for *drumroll* 315.00. Can't beat that. I also sprung for the cheaper battery (Buy It Now) which pulled it to a grand total of 400.00 - less than what I had budgeted to pay for JUST the screen. Only downside? I'm STILL the winning bidder for the 100.00 battery - 5h10m left and I'm STILLL the high bidder. Bastids! Dammit! Buuuttt.... I figure there is nothing wrong with having TWO laptop batteries, right? That just means that I'll have longer life without the cord (console yourself dear, console yourself). Sooooo......had to ask the seller a shipping related question, and hopefully I should have a screen in another week or so - and FINALLY we will have a personal computer at home again. Yyyaaaayyyy!!!!!


What else? Excited about Jules Housewaming tomorrow - disappointed about the weather - it's going to be icky for Memphis in May, but we really do want to go - we'll have to see how things pan out.


Argh! 4h56m - and I'm still the high bidder. *gruffle grump grumpty grump*  Quite sad, as I've neve wanted to lose an auction! Oh well.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Free of survey type stuff....

Let's see....I'm SLLLEEEEPPPYYY (that's what happens when I drink caffienated beverages) and work is slow, so I guess I'll babble for a while. Let's see - what makes me happy today?


My hubby - he's a hard headed knucklebrain, but I love him dearly anyhow.
My job - I looked at my future paystub (I love that) and not only has my direct deposit kicked in  (yaay!) I'm also making like 500.00 more than I estimated - and I'm being a GOOD girl and kicking it all (okay, almost all) of it back into my new 401(k).  I've also got the paperwork to get reimbursed for the lease payoff - so much monetary rawkage.
The weather - Yeah, it's COLD (low 60's) nasty (gray and rainy) but guess what? It's 40 something degrees in Indiana. Hah!
Progressive.com - yeah, the bastids charged me for two months of a policy that I CANCELLED - but they are giving me all the money back, which means that my mad money is going to grow a lil faster.


Ah yes, the mad money.  See - I have loans through the credit union account at Lilly - they were bigballin enough to have an employee based credit union. Anyhow - I've got a car loan, and a consolidation loan (credit card companies, get thee OFF my back!) that is going through them. They used to get automatically paid off via a payroll withdrawal, but now that I'm not getting paid there anymore, it's switched to just coming out of the checking account. Now - IP (the darlin angels) while they DON'T have a credit union - they let me direct deposit into like 4 different accounts at different banks. So - while I'm covering the loans at Lilly, I'm also sending a little something extra along - about 100 a month. That's going on TOP of the money I'm sending directly to the savings account here. I figure in about 6 months, I'll have one paid off, and I'll switch that money that was going to the loan over to either C's credit card (bad boy!) or to my student loans (which have a much much much much lower interest rate, so his card will most likely get it). But - I want to save enough money in that account that I can use it as an 'emergency/fun' fund. Not quite sure which....but my god.... I'm actually making enough money that I can SAVE money without feeling like I'm penny pinching - and seriously still get all the junk I want. *grin* My goal - seriously - is to not go into ANY MORE DEBT until all of the debt that I'm we're in now gets paid off. No house, *sigh* I guess we'll have to go in for a car - even though me & C have come to an agreement on how that's going to be handled - maybe we can buy one outright, certainly no electronics (but I wanna new computtter! I wanna! Speaking of which - the battery has hit 100 - I expect the email from eBay telling me I've been outbid ANY day now. Bastids.) But!!! I lurve eBay - there's another battery out there, Buy it Now - 99.00..... if I lose, I'm hopping RIGHT on the cheaper one... and shipping is only 7.50 - unlike the other one for 8 bucks. Yes, I'm a penny pinching fool.


Ohh!! Penny pinching (I love talking about money when I'm feeling abundant!) I managed to download the HotSync software for my Palm Pilot - and I got this cute little spending tracker - that way, I can keep track of how much I'm spending....I got a buncha other freeware too - mostly games, of course, and I redownloaded the CalorieKing counter. *sigh* I miss my address book stuff though - though I have to admit, I rarely used ANY of those numbers - all of the ones I really needed, I had in my cell phone.


*sigh* Only three... I wonder how C's interview went.

Banned Books - continued....

I got a couple of notes about why some of the books were banned - and I figured, hey - why not dig around and find out?? My comments in italics...


James and the Giant Peach by: Roald Dahl
A frequently banned author, this book was banned in a Florida elementary school because "it promotes the use of drugs, tobacco, and whiskey."  Umm... okay? I really need to read that one.


Leaves of Grass by: Walt Whitman
Banned in Boston in 1881 for "explicit language".  Like DRAT?  Though Jules did give another reason why it was banned.


Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
censored/banned where: Virginia, Alabama, Germany, the Netherlands
censored/banned because: descriptions of sexuality, anti-German sentiments, discussion of "the mistreatment of the Jewish people," rebellion against parental authority, "a real downer" Anti-German sentiments....in a book written by a JEW during WWI? Hmmm...... I wonder wny?


Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Some critics found his novel pornographic, sexually explicit, and irreligious. Hmmm.... yet another one I need to reread, as I don't remember ANY of that!


Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder
contains material racially offensive to Native Americans. Innnnnnteresting.


Sylvester and the Magic Pebble, by William Steig
The characters are all shown as animals; the police are presented as pigs. *ROFLOL* It's a KIDS book for heaven's sake! It's not like the rest of the characters were human and ONLY the police were pigs. Sheesh - how fragile do these people think their children are?


Bury my Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexandaer Brown
Literature Suppressed on Political Grounds Humph, no real suprise there....I would like more detail though....


This list seems to be all correct - a lot of the books there were banned in various states and schools - I don't think the Federal Gov't CAN ban a book - so it's all going to be local stuff. Still... *shakes head* based on the books they are banning, I sure hope those poor fragile kids aren't watching TV!  

Banned Books (or my new booklist!)

These are apparently the top 115 most banned books. If you have read the whole book, bold it. If you have read part of the book, italicize it. If you own it but haven't gotten around to reading it yet, underline it. If you own it AND have read it fully, bold and underline it.

1. The Bible
2. Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
3. Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
4. The Koran

5. Arabian Nights
6. Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
7. Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift

8. Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
9. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

10. Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
11. The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli
12. Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe
13. Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
14. Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
15. Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
16. Les Misérables by Victor Hugo
17. Dracula by Bram Stoker
18. Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin
19. Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
20. Essays by Michel de Montaigne
21.The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
22. History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
23. Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
24. Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
25. Ulysses by James Joyce
26. Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio
27. Animal Farm by George Orwell
28. Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell
29. Candide by Voltaire
30. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
31. Analects by Confucius
32. Dubliners by James Joyce
33. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
34. Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
35. Red and the Black by Stendhal
36. Das Capital by Karl Marx
37. Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire
38. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
39. Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence
40. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
41. Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser
42. Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
43. The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
44. All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque
45. Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx
46. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
47. Diary by Samuel Pepys
48. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
49. Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
50. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
51. Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
52. Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant
53. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
54. Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus
55. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
56. Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X
57. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
58. Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger

59. Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke
60. Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
61. Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
62. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
63. East of Eden by John Steinbeck
64. Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
65. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
66. Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau
67. Gargantua and Pantagruel by François Rabelais
68. Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes
69.The Talmud
70. Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau
71. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
72. Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence
73. American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
74. Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler
75. A Separate Peace by John Knowles
76. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
77. Red Pony by John Steinbeck
78. Popol Vuh
79. Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith
80. Satyricon by Petronius
81. James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
82. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
83. Black Boy by Richard Wright
84. Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu
85. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
86. Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
87. Metaphysics by Aristotle
88. Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder (okay -WHY was this banned?)
89. Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin
90. Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse
91. Power and the Glory by Graham Greene
92. Sanctuary by William Faulkner
93. As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
94. Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin
95. Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig
96. Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
97. General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud
98. Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
99. Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown
100. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
101.Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines
102. Émile Jean by Jacques Rousseau
103. Nana by Émile Zola
104. Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
105. Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin
106. Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
107. Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein
108. Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
109. Ox-Bow Incident by Walter Van Tilburg Clark
110. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
111. Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
112. The Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling
113. The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare
114. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle
115. The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Keatly Snyder

better....

Look! It says better instead of my usual bitter!


We had a nice little chat last night - not even really trying to solve anything (we've both given up on solving our issues on our own) but more just - touching base with each other again. He slept with me last night too - though I, as usual went to bed first. It's - nice - just to be not angry with each other. And - I think he understands better how his withdrawing makes me feel - and he's even expressed some interest in maybe coming to therapy with me. I'm not sure if that's really what I want - I really think I need some time to talk to someone on my own - but at least he's willing to take that step with me if it's suggested/recommended.


I really wish there was an 'easy' way to fix us. But, I guess marriage is never easy - it's just not SUPPOSED to be easy.


But at least we can try to avoid making it any harder.


Maybe we'll have sex this weekend. ooohhhh.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Furniture & Pics

YAYYY!!! My profile picture finally showed up!! *grins* I REALLY like it - because she actually kinda looks like me - nice thick black woman with wild thick hair and a bodacious pair of boobs. I don't have a pearl stuck in the middle of my forehead, but I'm DIGGING her jewerly!


 




 


 So - got the IKEA catalouge in the mail last night. I heart IKEA. But - they didn't really have what we are looking for. We want CUTE (CUTE I tell you!) leather furniture....because the pair of furbies that we have were the main reason we abandoned the old set - after a certain point, you just CAN'T get rid of all the cat hair on cloth without tossing it in the wash like we can do with their beds and the pillows. 


Anyhow! This is the set that we want:



In those colors - it LOOKS blue, but it's actually a chocolate brown.  Found this one a website www.sleeksofa.com, and we were both like - OOOhhhhhh!!! PURTY!!!! So - I requested some leather swatches yesterday, and if we like the color, we'll most likely get them ASAP with what's left of the 401(k) cash. The whole set is 1800, but I shudder to think of what the shipping would be! We've already got a dining room set (though the chairs need to be recovered) and coffee/end tables - all in a light wood, glass and chrome, so I think that they will go with that set SOOOO perfectly.


We might get an area rug from IKEA though - or maybe go to one of the local 'funky cool stuff' stores and see what we can find. Hell, Tarjay might have something nice. ahh.... I need to preuse some online catalogs.


Speaking of! I'm still the winner for the laptop battery - though it's up to 78, with two days left, so I doubt that I'm going to actually GET it. Looked at some LCD screens, and they are MUCHHHHH cheaper on eBay - up to half the price I've been quoted. I need to take the laptop home and take the screen out so that I can see what model it is and be sure that I get one that actually works in the laptop. WhoHOOO!! though, because that will free up a nice lil chunka chunka change.


It's WEDNESDAY!!! half way through the weekend!!! Whhhoooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!  

backsliding....

He called me at work today, and apologized for being an ass. My instant reaction was to tell him that he wasn't being an ass, but I did that because just hearing him 'You know I love you, right?' was enough to make me tear up, and since I left my cell phone home - I REFUSE to cry in public at work. Refuse.


But - we've spoken, at least. Even if it was for five seconds. And - that's a tiny little chink in the wall of - whateverthehellitis - that was between us. And yes, I'm going to take mad advantage of that chink, and see if we can't at least start acting like lovers, instead of roomates who are pissed off at each other.


He's been sleeping downstairs for almost a week - it's a rather twisted way of putting me in the doghouse - don't kick me OUT of bed, just never join me there. And every morning when I woke up alone, I got more and more pissed. He was treating me like he didn't love me, because we weren't having sex. But - the logic of that totally escapes me - as treating me like I'm not your wife (your lifepartner) isn't going to make me MORE affectionate - it's going to piss me off. And somehow this morning, I kinda snapped. I asked him if I could kiss him goodbye (one thing that I ALWAYS do - I kiss him goodbye before I go to work, and I kiss him goodnight before I go to bed - I've got to be rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeallllllllllllllly pissed before I don't do that - and I think that's only happened once - but I usually don't ask), gave him a peck, then slammed the front door on the way out.


After a while, I don't feel guilty anymore, I feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated. And oohh... I don't react well to manipulation of any type. But - where's the line between him expressing his feelings, and him being manipulative? Is it too much of me to ask him that he acts/treats me the same way whether we are having sex or not? I'm very - serious about financial security - and he hasn't had a job for almost six months - and I treat him EXACTLY the same if he has a job or not. But my husband having (and keeping) a job is very very important to me - but I don't emotionally punish him for when he's out of work - cuz I'm not into that. I'm not into humiliation or disipline of another adult person. Hell, I'm not into inflicting purposeful emotional discomfort on ANYONE for any reason. And - he's not nearly as 'tender' as I am. For him to call me selfish, he's a hell of a lot more selfish - consiously - than I ever could be.


But. He's admitted that he's been an ass. And the relief of that chink is almost enough for me to backslide and think that maybe we CAN do it on our own. But I know that's just me lying to myself, and if we don't get someone else in the mix, 3 months from now, I'll be writing the same entry again. So.


Dammit. I left my phone at home. *sigh* I guess I'll have to call the nurse back tomorrow - what kind of pre-appointment questions do they ask? Maybe I can talk to her at my desk? But - I don't want to....just in case I have to get a little more blunt than I want my coworkers to know about.


I think I might tell him about the therapist tonight. maybe. depends on whether he's still being an ass.


Bastid.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Feelings

When we aren't sexually intimate, he doesn't feel loved/act loving. When he doesn't feel loved, he withdraws. When he withdraws, I feel guilty/angry/frustrated/guilty, and we dance around each others emotions until one of us breaks down - usually me.


What could we do to change this?
1) I could be sexually intimate at a rate that satisfies him.
Pros:  Some for him, some for me
1) None of the other emotional/relationship reactions would occur.
2) We would strengthen our marriage.
Cons: None for him, all for me.
1) I would have to fake my desire/change my makeup.
2) I might grow resentful of 'having' to satisfy him.


2) He could not withdraw.
Pros: Some for him, some for me
1) The emotional rollercoaster of worry/guilt that I ride would be decreased.
2) I MIGHT be more - willing/interested.
Cons: Some for him, some for me.
1) He would have to conceal his feelings.
2) I would know that he was lying to me about his emotional state.


3) I could not go through the guilty/angry/frustrated/guilty cycle.
Pros: Some for me, some for him
1) I wouldn't feel bad.
2) I MIGHT be more willing/interested in shaking him out of his grump.
Cons: Some for him, some for me.
1) I might NOT be more willing - I suspect I would feel like I was pandering to his pout.
2) He might think that I am/was disregarding his feelings.


4) He could feel loved/act loving  - sexually intimate or not.
Pros: Some for him, some for me.
1) Our relationship would be on more of a level keel
2) I would feel more valued for the wholeness of me
Cons: All for him, none for me.
1) He would have to change his makeup.
2) He might feel as if he's lying to himself about his emotions.

 


 



 




 


How do I feel - just me - about the whole situation?


I feel - guilty that I married him knowing that my sex drive is normally roughly nil. I feel - upset that we hold such widely varying interests about sexual  contact. I feel - bitter that I either have to live with him on eggshells or force myself to have sex with him. I feel - curious about why I don't want to have sex with him. I feel - love for him because I do. I feel - sad that I can't make him feel happy. I feel - guilty that I can't just get OVER it and be a sexually charged woman. I feel - worry that our marriage won't survive. I feel - angry that I even have to go through this process. I feel - bitter that I feel less loved because I don't want to suck his dick/give him a boob job/have him eat me out/watch porn with him/have any sort of sexual relationship with him. I feel - sad because that's part of what a marriage is - and if it isn't, it should be agreed to by both partners. I feel - like crying because I can't talk to anyone who knows me about this because - it's not how I was when I first interacted with most of those people.

Exploring....

Okay, so - I'm going to try the 'new' format. I DO like the way it looks - I just wish that the font's of the title bars and junk could be chosen (largely cuz I HATE HATE HATE Arial. Ugh!) and my notes & shtuff.  I found the PERFECT picture (thanks Jules! I didn't use yours, but it gave me an idea that led down the right track), but of course, the bloody thing won't upload.


Let's see - what's new? *grins* I write too dang much, don't let enough time go for sthuff to happen.


This whole getting paid only once a month thing is - irksome. I need a more frequent reminder of why I'm here - gah! And it's not that it's not enough work to do - cuz it is, really - it's just dull, dull, DULL. *yawn* And I get sleepy way too quick. And, I'm really not 'cool' with anyone here yet, and therefore eat lunch alone (and I keep freaking forgetting to bring my current book to work). Anyhow, I do try to wait until as late as possible before I go to lunch - that way the day seems a little shorter. And the fact that today is nasty, nasty, nasty, really doesn't help much either. *le sigh*


Hmm... I should check my auction to see how close I am to winning that battery. Have I mentioned already how much of a screwing I'm going to have to take to get my laptop back in working order? Then OA had to go and show off this LOVELY little laptop desk. I want, I want! Umph. Up to 66 dollars, with 3 days left. I bid up to 100.00 - I refuse to pay more than that for a battery offa Ebay, considering a brand new one is 130.00. Sheesh. Hmmm....maybe I should look for a screen online too - take the one I have out, see what kind it is, and bid on a new one. I installed a hard drive, it should be THAT much harder to install an new LCD screen.


Almost 12:30..... lunch soon, I think. No books! Gah! Oh! But I do need to go to Target to get a new purse as I ripped the strap off of the old one, and I'm sure I can find a nice trashy magazine - maybe I'll get that LYING 'All Shapes' issue of Vogue (all shapes under a size 8, they mean!).


 

Starting Over

Those first two entries were pulled from elsewhere, but I suppose I should start from the beginning. Who knows how long it's going to be before I can actually get an appointment with the woman, and maybe by the time we make it, I won't need it anymore.


My sexual history: I was always interested in sex - I can remember sneaking books off of my parents shelves - Everything you wanted to know but were too afraid to ask about SEX! Some book about a woman using her sexual prowess to basically start to rule Congress. Where babies come from - all of it by the age of ten. It was fascinating to me, and gave me warm giggly goosebumply feelings. I was fascinated with other peoples sexual organs - but mostly in a very - clincal kind of way. My earlist sexual memory was about 4 or so - me and a girlfriend exploring each others parts under the bedsheets during a sleep-over.

Even as I got older (I stopped around 13), and KNEW it was wrong (and oh, the feelings of guilt I carried around over THIS one) I would 'explore' the private bits of the babies I babysat - I don't remember feeling aroused - just - curious. My mother was a nurse, and very blunt about sex. She told me about everything there was to know, and gave me the rundown about everything you could get - diseases & babies - and everything you couldn't get - real love - from sex. She caught me & a 'boyfriend' messing around one day, and promptly took me to the clinic for birth control pills the next day. I was 15. I lost my virginity at 17 - I met the boy at my best friends 16th birthday party. He was my first 'real' boyfriend, and I thought his badboy persona was about the sexiest thing ever. I didn't have sex with him to 'prove' something, or to make him love me (as he was already obsessed) I was just - curious about what the hoopla was about. And after it was over (rather funny - and not at all painful), I remember walking home shrugging my shoulders, trying to figure out what the big deal was.

I had various sexual encounters in high school - had sex in a park (same boy I lost my virginity with) sex in a boyfriends house (the one my mom caught me with - FINALLY actually did the deed), sucked dick in my mom's living room (another bad boy I was desparate to impress), had anal sex (we were out of condoms and he was really horny - needed LOTS of vaseline - and it actually wasn't too bad - he was obsessed with me too) - and all in all - thinking back on it - I'd say I had sexual encounters with definitely 4, maybe 5 boys in the year and a half before I graduated from high school. It was never really something I WANTED - it was just something I did - something I was talked into, something I gave in to.

In college, for the first 3 years or so, I had sex with two boys - one was my boyfriend freshman and junior year (M) - a huge block of a man, sexy as hell but a consistant liar, and the other, who was an absolute sweetie, but had about as much sense (and desire to actually freaking GRADUATE) as a cat has for taking a bath (J). I enjoyed sex, certainly, but I can never remember really - WANTING it. It was more of a path to - companionship, friendship, and despite all my momma had told me, a shortcut to love.

The last two years of college I like to call my 'slutyears'. I went all out - started cheating on M with a man and a woman, having finally decided that I had to stop 'talking' about being bi and figure out if I really was (yes, and still am). I found the wonderful world of the internet - and being in a major metropolitan city, I found PLENTY of people who were interested in a lil sumthin sumthin. Looking back on it, I think I was lost, lonely, suffering from depression and severely stressed, and offering myself sexually was how I got some 'relief' from the constant decision-making of the rest of my life. I joined a 'swing group' that had regular parties, and was actually crowned 'Best Dicksucker of 1999'. I partied like sex was about to be outlawed.

I came to a screeching halt when I picked up a dude at a bus stop, and let him fuck me in an alley way. That was when it hit me that this behavior was unheathly, dangerous, and likely to get me somewhere I really didn't want to be. I slowed down some, but still hung out with the sexual friends I had made in my slutyears - and actually starting dating one - T. I was the other layer of girl bread in her & her husband's swinging life, and as they went through a divorce, we fell in love. With her was the first time I ran into the 'not interested in sex' wall. We were together about six months, and literally, I'd rather clean the bathroom than have sex with her. It wasn't that I didn't love her (I did, but not nearly as much as she loved me) - I just wasn't interested.

We finally broke up - mostly because she, like a lot of lesbians (she finally gave up the bi label after he divorce) wanted to rush into marriage/living together/settling down - and I hadn't even graduated from college yet, and simply wasn't interested. I was actually approaching cheating on her with one of my boyfriends from college (J), and ended up getting pregnant the first time we had sex after I broke up with T.

I was miserable, furious with myself for having unprotected sex (we used a condom, but I wasn't on the pill anymore - dating a girl for 8 months would do that to you), furious at him for being utterly unwilling to even consider being a father, furious at life for sending me such a fucked up curveball. I love children, but then (and even now) was unwilling to have a child until I was ready. I was depressed, sad, and had the worst case of 1st trimester exhaustion ever - on top of the stress of taking senior finals. I had an abortion on Good Friday 2000, at 11w5days - two days before it would have been illegal to terminate, and as I walked out of the clinic, a huge weight lifted off of me - and a very simple, very cautious realization settled on me. EVERY man I had sex with could be the father of my child. Every. Single. One. Pill, sponge, condom, IUD, whatever - it didn't matter. The human race is DESIGNED to procreate, and well, shit happens.


I graduated (barely), got a new job in a new city, and basically ran as far as I could away from everything that I had gone through in the last 6 months. It took me close to a year to totally forgive myself, 3 years to forgive him, and I met the man who I would marry Labor Day, 2000. I hadn't had sex for close to 7 months, and he introduced me to weed, and every scrap of repressed sexual desire sprung out of me. In the first 3 months of our relationship, we had sex almost every which way imaginable - I wouldn't do anal, and I wasn't all that crazy about sucking dick - but the powertrip that I got off of it got me over the power loss that I felt doing it. We had sex almost every night, and I came in wild gushes. We had sex three or four times most weekends, doing nothing but lay in bed, and have sex. That was the last time we had a sexual relationship that fully satisfied him.


We both hated condoms, and after having been declared 'clean', and knowing that we were exclusive, I got on the Pill, and my sex drive literally went through the floor. We almost broke up several times, because I simply wasn't interested in having sex. I cried, we had screaming matches, but we both KNEW that each other was something seriously worth holding onto, and we worked our way through it. I got off the Pill (after a particularily emotionally painful discussion that ended up with me sobbing in the corner of a room), and got an IUD June 2001. Despite all of our troubles - and I guess the clear signs that THIS would be an issue, he asked me to marry him Thanksgiving Day, 2001. I gleefully said yes. We got married a little less than 3 years later, on April Fools Day, 2004.


Our sexual relationship has gone down the hill since. I've actually lost weight (close to 70 pounds), and while he's even more attracted to me, I could go for months - literally - without even once THINKING about having sex.


I'm an imaginative girl, and I've tried to pretend like he's someone else - that's worked once or twice. I've tried to create my own little fantasy inside my head - that's never worked. I've tried to have HIM treat me like a cheap little slut - and I get pissed off because the power in our relationship is too evenly distributed for me to get off on that. We've screamed, cried, threatened to leave, thrown stuff, stopped talking, stopped having sex, read books, watched shows - and 3 months later, I look up, and he's upset because we haven't had sex in 3 weeks.


Finally, (as I wrote in the first entry in this diary) I've caved. I've tried to tell myself that maybe I'm just NOT a sexual person - I love touching, and being touched, and being loving and huggy and physically affectionate - but sex turns me off. I've tried to convince myself that there's something wrong with HIM, not with me. I've tried to defiently ignore his moods, and the fact that to him sex IS love. And - I can't do it anymore. I love him too much to put US through this kind of pain. So I give. I yield. I lay down my pride and my determination - and if that damn triage nurse EVER calls me back - I'm going to start therapy. Because. It just ain't right.


With all that said - I don't think that she'll be able to do anything for me. For once, I hope that a doctor listens to my symptoms and prescribes a pill that just makes me randy. It's not that I don't LIKE sex. It's not that I don't come when we have sex. It's just that - I'm plain not INTERESTED. It's - ugh. It's kinda like cleaning the litter box - something that you KNOW has to be done - but I'll put it off until the stink is just unbearable.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Finally.

So. Finally. I made a call to a therapist today. I just - I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of feeling sad/guilty/mad/confused/depressed/just plain miserable everytime (okay - almost everytime) I look at C. I mean - I'm stubborn as hell, and I'm good at lying to myself, but I'm tired of being so damn - dysfunctional. I can't/won't call myself broken, cuz I ain't - but troubled? Yes.


I love my husband dearly - I want to spend the rest of my life with him - joyfully and fully. And the fact that I'm not sexual - unless it's NOT with him, is - irksome, to put it plainly. I want to desire him. I want to want him. I want to spring on him and kiss him and suck his dick and sex him like he's never mean sexed before - and while one part of my mind is all 'yeah!' the other part is still stuck in a five-year old's mind that thinks boys are icky.


And honestly? I'm tired of trying to do it myself. I don't think there's a self-help book in the world that'll address this in any sort of long term, fully consious way. Something's blocked in me, and I can't see the wall for the bricks.


I can't even say that he's not being fair to expect this. I can't even say that he just wants it too much. I can't even say that I am 'normal' for not wanting it. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of our almost perfect marriage constantly crashing against this wall. And it's not him. It's not us. It's me. And that first step  - the simple fact of admitting that yes, this is MY problem has taken me 4 years to come to - kicking and screaming the whole way.


And the fact that I'm getting involved in so many things outside of our house - the book club, doulaing, potentially starting up the bookmark thing (again!) is making me realize that if I want to stay married - esp. considering I'm interesting a field that puts SO much stress on a family relationship - I have to fix me NOW. I can't wait any longer - we might lose this wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing we've created. I can't make any more excuses. I can't try to fix what's broken with us by adding other people.


So - I've called the triage nurse. Hopefully, my new doctor (and funny - I'm checking the head before I check the twat) is going to be Renate Rosenthal. My health insurance covers her (and THIRTY out patient visits a year - that's a MINIMUM of twice a week!) and - maybe she can help. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry - I'm so used to being able to do 'on my own'. And I can't even talk to my friends - and certainly not my mother - I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to involve anyone who is involved with my/our life in our marriage. It's really none of their business. It's only our business.


and heaven knows, we've talked, screamed, cried, come together, fallen apart - we've done all of that and still - 2 months later - I'm looking at him again knowing that he's hurting. And sad. and disappointed. and wondering how the hell it's going to work. And I look at him - I see his dick - and just think *ugh*.  I'm 28 for heavens sake! I'm not approaching menopause - my 50 year old mother hasn't even hit it yet. I want kids - lots of them - but - I can't see myself joyfully practing to make them - and I don't like it. I really wish I was a much more sexual woman - and I don't know how to force myself to be her. And in my heart of hearts, I really doubt that talking to this lady is going to help. I think I need a personality transplant - something external to me to create this - being.


Alcohol doesn't even seem to work anymore. It's been a while since we've had weed, but that didn't work the last few times either. I'm just - pressed flat and gone inside. I try to fantisize, and fall asleep. I try to masturbate, and stop because it just doesn't feel like ANYTHING - or it hurts - and/or fall asleep.  Very drunk, and in the house alone, I can give myself an itty bitty orgasm - nothing like the stomach clenching, earth shaking, heart racing O's I used to be able to give myself with nothing more than a few scripted lines of my favorite incest fantasy. and maybe that in itself should have been a sign - that my favorite fantasy has always been Daddy's Little Girl or Sinful Siblings. *sigh*  even when I start out interested, by the 10th minute in I'm thinking - god, hurry up and come so I can get this out of the way for another 3 weeks. And I keep track in my head of how long it's been, and even the guilt doesn't encourage me any more.  I'm smoking more - and I think that I think that'll make him less interested - but instead it just makes me feel like I'm adding more to the already tentative relationship that we have.


And yeah, I'm going to go alone - I want to go alone - I don't want him involved just yet. I just - I just want to talk for me. *sigh* and it feels so vain and so - so selfish but - I miss being - vibrant from within. And for once I hope it's just something I can fix with a pill, and not something that I have to root out like a dandelion - but I'm afraid it's not. and I'm not really willing to - force myself to dig that deep. Considering how teary I get emotionally, I - I suspect that the first few sessions will involve lots of tissues, because I'm ready to spill my guts. I'm ready.


Finally.

me! Me! ME!!!

So - everything I did for me had to do with doulaing/midwifery.



  1. Paid for the deposit, and put the rest needed to the side for the Doula Training Workshop in August.

  2. Got a subscription to Mothering Magazine - I need to get one to Midwifery Today too, but I'm dragging my feet.

  3. Paid off my 401(k) loan - which relates because that's one more monetary monkey offa me back

  4. And paid off the so-called 'EZ Loan' my credit union suckered me into.


So technically, I didn't do anything really FUN - but it was all worthwhile, certainly. *sigh*


I've finished one of the books I have to read for DONA - Birth Partner. I had an old edition (1989!) but - it was still very useful. It's odd - I think that this is going to be rather - simple. The learning process at least - it's going to be the practical that's going to be a hoot and a half. I've started on Pregnancy, Childbirth, & the Newborn - but that book is SOOO chockfulla knowledge, I'm going to have to take it slow. I'm also going to part of a CBE series that the midwife who I am going to try & network with is running. I missed the first class *poutpout* which was last Monday, but at least I'll be able to attend the last two - for free! I'm still looking for a class that will cover the requirements - I figure the more stuff I have done before the workshop - the more I'll be able to focus on getting births AFTER the workshop.


My computer is going to be really important to me - it's interesting - when we came down here looking at apartments, the local newspaper was running a series of articles about the DREADFUL infant and maternal mortality rate in Memphis - and I want to see if 1) anyone has tried to get a grant program for doulas started in Memphis to help those momma's & babies and 2) if they haven't - whether I can get one started up. *sigh* After reading about the main causes of premature birth (constant societal stress (poverty, abuse, drug use), poor maternal nutritional health) I'm not sure how much a doula might be able to help, but heaven KNOWS midwives certainly would. It'll be - interesting, to say the least.


My boss is pregnant, and she's due right after the training, and I'm trying to figure out a way to mention the whole doulaing thing to her. *sigh* I know that AFTER the training, depending on how births and so forth work out, I'm going to have to talk to her about my 'moonlighting' (ah, for the day that this WILL be my only job!!), but - I'm not sure if it'll be in time. I've been seeing so MANY pregnant women - and as I'm not quite ready, I'm not approaching them, but everytime I see one, I wonder how WOULD I approach them? My shyness is going to have to die a rapid death. *nods*


 

Mondaze

Uuuugggghhh....so sleepy. soooo sleepy. And COLD. Damn - I have no room to complain about temps in the low 60's considering some of my faves are still getting SNOW, but damn! It's cold!


I don't feel like doing ANY work today, but I've actually gotten some stuff done. I need to finalize one more thing before the end of the day, but as it's only 3pm (hell! 3! maybe I do need to get on that!) there's no rush.


Let's see - what else? Me & C are a pair of crotetchy old folx - didn't leave the house except for a quick trip to Home Depot and the grocery store - what fun! What delight! *gag* I wanted to go out this weekend, but it was cold. *excuses excuses* At least I know that we have an 'event' next weekend!!
I'm trying to find someplace to get my laptop fixed at - I'm bidding on a battery on eBay, as I refuse to spend 129.00 for a damn BATTERY considering I know that I'm going to have to spend at least 500.00 getting the blankety blankety blank blank screen fixed. *sigh* It's still cheaper than a brand new 2000.00 computer. Gah! Gagnacious!
I've spent most of the 401(k) money - I've got a heap of money orders behind me that are going to all kinds of different people. I've paid of the lease break fee - which I get reimbursed for, so that rocks, and with the money that's left, we will most likely get some furniture.  What did I do for ME with the money? Eh. All that belongs in another entry (which, as I'm procrastinating dreadfully, will be written right after this one).


What else? tired! Have I mentioned that already? And I've actually got junk to do tonight - maybe I go home and take a nap? Hm. Waterbed is back in action - whoohooo!! got some great sleep last night - futons are cool and all, but bllleeech. Ah yes - I need to find a good way to store our 15 trillion stuffed animals - though I'm seriously considering just shoving them all in the attic and being done with it. *sigh*


Okay.

Money Matters

Starting Funds: 6800.00


Paid: 100.00 - Doula Workshop Deposit
Paid: 300.00 - PayPal Reserve
Paid: 293.58 - Lane Bryant
Paid: 1297.00 - Lease Break/Cleanup Fees
Paid: 1000.00 - Savings
Paid: 1100.00 - EZ-Loan
To be Paid:   800.00 - Computer (estimate - 108.00 for battery/600.00 for screen)
Paid:   967.00 - 401(k)


Remaing: 942.00
Reimbursed: 990.00
Left to play with: 1900.00

Friday, April 22, 2005

uuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

*slumps over at desk*


Headache. Tummyache. Tired. HEADACHE. Gah. Only 2. Got to work late because of severe oversleepage due to excessive bookreading the night before. leak in waterbed.


But. It's FRIIIIIDDDAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! and really, that's all that matters.


Ugh. leaving early.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

BARGAIN BOOKS ALERT

I've rummaged through this site, and the prices are freaking OUTRAGEOUS.  www.bookcloseouts.com
If you like to read (even just a little) or are trying to build any kind of library (like me)- GO.  You can click on the link and it'll open a whole new window - just to give you an idea.....


Giving Birth List Price $14.95 BC's Price $3.00
Baby Catcher List Price $26.00 BC's Price $5.99
Respect List Price $17.50 BC's Price $5.49
Rediscovering Birth List Price $29.95 BC's Price $9.99
Hard Labor (Updated) List Price $17.95 BC's Price $5.99
A Holistic Guide to Embracing Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood List Price $15.95 BC's Price $5.99
The New Experience of Childbirth List Price $19.99 BC's Price $3.99
Preparation for Birth: The Complete Guide to the Lamaze Method List Price $14.00 BC's Price $6.99
Pregnancy After A Loss List Price $14.95 BC's Price $4.99
Joyful Birth: A Spiritual Path To Motherhood List Price $29.95 BC's Price $9.99
Conquering Postpartum Depression List Price $25.00 BC's Price $5.99
Mind Over Labor List Price $14.00 BC's Price $3.99
The Spirit of Pregnancy List Price $16.95 BC's Price $6.99
Having a Baby, Naturally (Mothering Magazine) List Price $17.95 BC's Price $6.99
The Practical Art of Baby Massage List Price $16.00 BC's Price $5.49
Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within List Price $10.00 BC's Price $5.99


I'm trying to figure out what other books I need/want to buy......I've already spent a hunnerd bucks - but still for 18 books - shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttt................it's worth it!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

weeeellllllllllllllllllllllll.....................

I know, I know....I shouldn't have done it.
I should be like the ant, and carefully saved and stored away goodies for a rainy day.
And today really wasn't the best day to do it, as I'm just in a DAMN contrary mood.
But.
I cleaned out my old 401(k).
And direct deposited it into my checking account.


Whoa. Mama.


*rubs hands together and laughs evilly* (which I'm sure next April as I'm lubing up, Uncle Sam is going to be doing the SAME damn thing)


I pinkyswear on all that's holy that I WILL do something utterly fun and frivolous JUST FOR ME with at LEAST some of this money.  And ya know - I know exactly what I'm going to do - I just need to find the right jeweler.


As much as I hate Debeers - right hands of the world - UNITE! 


Hell yeah.


*cracks itty bitty little smile*


All I need now is a drink!

Generally Evil

I'm generally evil today - grumpy, sour, I don't think I've given up a real smile once. Why? Argh! No real reason - besides the rock hard ball o PAIN sitting in my pelvis that I stubbornly refuse to take drugs for - did ya know that most painkillers work by blocking proglanstins which are the enzmye that causes muscles to contract? Did you know that menstrual cramps are a signs that your uterus is trying to expell something that needs to get out (like a clot?) and therefore taking pain meds most likely defeats that purpose and leaves cruddy bits of old lining in there? Gah!! It sucks, it does, but I'd rather have a clean ute. *sigh* And I KNOW that emergency tampon of yesterday didn't help none, dammit.


I'm trying to get some information for work that a dingy lady simply can't seem to comprehend. What parts of 'ALL jobs that run in XYZ system', don't you get? And is it my fault that after you TELL me all of the jobs that run in that system start with a specific code, and I include that code in the request, and when I get the list and it is NOTHING like what I wanted - is it then my fault if I attempt to ignore the bullshit you told me in the first place and ask (VERY politely too) for what the HELL I wanted in the first place? *growls* No need to get bloody SNARKY chick.


And I'm so damn confused as to my mood towards my beloved husband I don't know what to do with myself (much less with him). I understand him, and what he wants, and I thin kthe issue is that not only do I not know what I want from him, even if I did know what I wanted I don't know how to ask him (especially in the current mood I've been in) for it in a way that doesn't sound like Ms. Queen Bitch of the World has come for a visit.


And I'm not tired, but I am. And I'm not sick of work, but I am. And I'm not feeling like throwing a big ole juciy tanturn, but I reallllllly want to.


*ggggggrrrrrrooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll* 


And usually, ya know, I know exactly what I need to do for me to make me feel alllllllll better. *sigh* But I don't even know what's up with me, much less a suitable solution for the general frowncloud that's raining on me.


Amazon even sent me a notification for the rest of my books today, and that got a quick 'yay'. Just a 'yay'. Not my usual "YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 


I would say I need chocolate, but that's not even it.


And I've got a FOUR pm meeting. The bastards. I suppose (as it's quarter til 1) I SHOULD go and eat lunch - but BLEH. BLEH I say BLEH.


*grump*
*growl*
*cramp*


Dammit.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Doula'ing Updatin' (3rd entry for today!!)

Soo..... I got the notice that amazon.com shipped three of my books today - 
"The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" Henci Goer 
"Labor Pain: A Natural Approach to Easing Delivery" Nicky Wesson
"The Doula Book: How a Trained Labor Companion Can Help You Have a Shorter, Easier, and Healthier Birth" Marshall H. Klaus, MD
and also, in unpacking the books I realized that I have MORE than I thought I did. I do own Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and I need to reread Hearts & Hands as well. I realize that most of my books focus more on midwifery than doulaing - which is understandable - but still, I think that it can go both ways.


I'm also considering trying to become a Chilbirth Educator (does that takes big ol balls considering I've never given birth??) because Birthing From Within just sounds - HOT! And - *grins* I could actually have classes in my home (wait till you guys see this place - it's SOOOO made for entertaining!!!) and it would be something that would give me an 'in' to the birthing community.


Something else that I've done (and I hope I'm not moving too fast) was set up an appointment with one of the CPM's in the area who runs a homebirthing business, to sit down and talk to her about the general birthing culture here, as well as whether she would be interested in allowing me to volunteer with some of her clients. I'm going to slip in that I plan on using this as a stepping stone towards midwifery, and see if she has any suggestions (or if she would allow me to apprentice with her, which would REALLLLLLLLLY be cool). That appointment is next Thursday, so I'm just giddy all to pieces. I want to reread Hearts & Hands before I go, as well as the Birth Partner, so that I can have a semi-logical set of questions to ask her.

 


Also - I'm thinking about joining a Spanish class at Memphis Community College during the summer sessions - they are on Saturday's, so C wouldn't be able to come with, but he could learn off of Bellisa's CD's - so that might work nicely. There seems to be a pretty significant Hispanic population here, and while I would 'assume' that they normally have sufficient family support, they might still need doula's occasionally. So - excited. Things are moving!  





Dreaming.....

(It's Monday and it's slow - until I go over to the Donagroup I'mma be writing here ALL day entry 2 of the day)


If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend, and whom you would not have met without the Internet, post this sentence in your journal.


One??? ONE???? My god - most of the good friends I have (save three) I met online. I'm still rather suprised I met my husband in real life!! *LOL*

 


Okay - I've been having the ODDEST dreams lately (and we aren't even going to TALK about me waking up at 6:45 ON MY OWN  - utterly unheard of).
Let's see - night before last I had a dream that I lived in this tiny grubby studio that was in this weird little cul-de-sac (did you know that if you say that to a French person, they hear 'bottom of the ass??" *snicker*) that was directly above some subway tracks. It was wintertime and I had just come home - and I see this trail of stuff coming out of my apartment - I run inside and I had been ROBBED! I was blindingly murderously furious (thankfully, I only ever get this angry in dreams) and I just sat in the middle of the floor and cried. Then, I hear someone coming in the front door, and I realize it's the robbers coming back. Somehow, I subdue both of them, tie them up, and beg them to give me my stuff back. Both youngish guys - one in his late teen's the other one about 12/13. They both laugh at me, and tease me, and basically tell me to fuck off. So, I dropped one guy onto the train tracks right before I train came into the station (the older one) and told the other one to either tell me where my stuff was, or he was going to join his friend. He told me, and then HELPED bring me my stuff down. *shakes head* Why does force always work when politeness doesn't? Later in the dream, I was on a train going somewhere else, and ran into one of my ex boyfriends - he's one of the few who I didn't keep in touch with that I REALLLY wished I had -I miss Mike sometimes - and it was cool to see him in my dream. 

 


Then, last night - I had this long dream - it lasted all night, and I know that because I was sleeping VERY light for some reason, and I kept waking up, looking at the clock, then falling back asleep into the same dream. Now though - I can't remember it - it was one of those 'real life' dreams though - where nothing really odd happens - it's just like living a slightly unordinary day through a night. And once again, I woke up at 6:44 (is that sunrise? Maybe it's the light coming in the windows upstairs that's waking me up?) Dang. I really wish I could remember that dream .... something will happen and the memories of it will pop into my head. 

 


Also - I need to find something FUN (and cheap - it's amazing how FAST money goes!!) for us to do this weekend - I think that now that the house is mostly settled (and it WILL be done by this weekend) we're going to be ready to get out and explore our new city a little. I'm suprised C hasn't been doing that much wandering - but then, I've always liked riding public transportation LOADS more than he did. *sigh* I'm worried about my baby - I think that not having a job for so long is REALLLY starting to get to him. I need to shower loving and reassurance on him tonight.
 








Busy Girl....

Soooo.......VERY productive weekend here - let's see.


We went to Pottery Barn outlet on Saturday - found the PERFECT little bookcase/cabinet for our dvds/videos/games - but the dang thing REFUSED to fit in the car. Sooo....had to take it back, and we figured that we could rent a van and pick it up on Sunday.  So - well and good.  Then we went to pierOne, and found these two GORGEOUS bookshelves - very funky looking (black & cherrywood) and got two of them. Me & C had a bit of a tiff about whether to shove them in the car and take them home immeadiately, or whether to wait til we had the van. I reeeeallllllyyyy wanted to do as UTTERLY little as possible on Sunday, and so I stomped and pouted and ended up convincing the guys at pierOne to fit both of them into the car - and I have to admit, putting them in the van would have been much easier, but I'm glad that it ended up that way because after unpacking all of our books on Sat. night, I realized that we STILL needed at least one more small bookshelf  - and I had seen one at Pottery Barn that would work perfectly.


Went to the UHaul place Sunday, picked up a van, went BACK to Pottery Barn, picked up the cabinet and found another set of bookshelves - also snagged a kingsize down comforter (as I have been accused and found guilty of being a blanket hog) shoved it all in the van. Went to HomeDepot to pick up some other little things, swung by the grocery store (does EVERYONE shop on Sunday???) got home, unloaded the van, took it BACK to the UHaul place, and finally settled back in the house.  And I'm thrilled to say that the downstairs is now FULLY unpacked. Once we get all of the empty boxes out of there, it might actually feel kinda homey. We still need furniture, as we are working with just a futon bed and an old ottaman as sitting stuff (besides the dining room set and the kitchen stools - but they don't really count) so those will hoefully be our next big ticket item. I madly want a papasan from pierOne to go in the library (has a better reading chair EVER been  invented???) but - *le sigh* that's going to have to wait.


I'm sad to say, I hardly got any relaxation in - unless unpacking counts (which it SOOO doesn't) so I guess that'll have to wait till next weekend. I'm doing my nails tonight though - hook or CROOK!


Ah! Also are going to finally get our wireless internet installed this week - next I just need to figure out what to do with my poor laptop - the screen is TOTALLY dead, and I really don't want to spend 400 just to fix it - but then, that will be much cheaper than having to buy a whole new one. And I really DO like the laptop - despite the drama that I've had with it.


Oh! Also went to the bookclub - it seems VERY cool. There are actually two published authors that are members - I have a sidenote about that in a bit - and several others (including myself) who are trying to actually finish something that might be publishing worthy. The poetic member who I had talked to through the yahoogroup didn't make the meeting - which was good, as I only had a rough draft of my poems printed out - I really need to go back through them and polish them up a bit. Reading them again after so long - I'm still rather pleased with what I've got  - even some of the old ones are still in really good shape - but they do need a little gloss.
Now - sidenote. One of the things that has ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS irked me about the African American publishing world is that it seems like most of the books are ALWAYS centered around three things - relationships, money, and family - and tend to be in a 'trashy' novel format. Not even really 'romance' genre, but rather - "Drama Queen" genre. Stuff like "Tynesha hated her baby's daddy Devon, but found herself falling in love with his best friend Shane, who is actually her mothers child that was given up for adoption 25 years ago. How will this story of love and redemption play out in the mean streets of Baltimore??" *gag* I mean - yes....could possibly be a compelling story - but it seems like most of them are - well........not good. I haven't read either of the books from the authors in the group - but they both fall into that genre (one with a lil Church thrown in) and  - *sigh* it's just - frustrating for me. I've always known that even if I do write a 'trashy' novel, it's going to be more like a Regency Romance that like THAT.  I feel like a LOT of black authors sell themselves short by focusing only on one 'narrow' aspect of the AfAm experience - like they segregate themselves - writing books that will most likely only interest blacks rather than writing boks for general enjoyment. Also - that market is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO saturated with that 'style' of book - after a while, I'm sure even the publishers think that it's getting kinda old. I might be wrong - but *shakes head* I doubt it. Or maybe I'm just snobby about books. I am excited about the Book of The Month for May though - it's a Pearl Clege book, and while Pearl can be a little oatmeally to get through - she tends to write SO beautifully.


Hmmm....... I think that's it for now. Nothing too exciting planned for the week - getting all those damn boxes out of the house (just talked to C - they are LEAVING AS I TYPE!!! YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!), vacuuming the floors, cleaning the wood floors downstairs, cleaning out the car, finishing unpacking the books/magazines upstairs, *thinks* hmm.... that might be about it for now.
Can I do a little dance of joy that the boxes are leaving/leaving/leaving??? The house might be decent enough soon for me to take pictures and post!!! Besides the fact that the house is going to feel about 8 times bigger. *dancedancedance*


I'm SUCH a homebody. Okay - done for real for now - going to write a 'Path to Tommorow' entry in a sec - got good news there too!


Ciao kitlings!

Friday, April 15, 2005

Weekend Plans

I so desparately want to get some nice bookshelves this weekend so that I can unpack books.  I'm thinking either PierOne or the PotteryBarn Outlet....... I figure that one or the other place should have the kind of stuff that we want. Let's see - what else?? I've joined a bookclub, and am going to the meeting tomorrow - so that'll be fun, meeting more Memphitesans. *grins* I think that several of them are into poetry too, so I'm excited about that - going to take some of my collected poems there with me.


Ummm...what else? If we can get the bookshelves - we'll unpack the rest of the books, and maybe swing over library.....


oohhhh....lucnh time!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

*grin* When it's going good, it's goin' good

*does a lil funky boogie*

Okay - before I left Lilly, my coworkers gave me a 30 dollar giftcard to Waldenbooks. When we got married, one of my friends gave us a 100.00 giftcard to Amazon. I go online today, and lo & behold - Amazon.com accepts giftcards from Waldenbooks and there's 40 bucks left from the wedding gift. So - I've got ALLLLLLLLL the books I need - there are multiple choices of what to read on the required reading list, so I just ordered the ones that look interesting and that I KNOW I don't own. 70 bucks and about an hour of lucious online shopping later, I got out with these books:

"The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" Henci Goer
"Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn, Revised and Updated : The Complete Guide" Penny Simkin
"The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers : The Most Comprehensive Problem-Solution Guide to Breastfeeding from the Foremost Expert in North America" Jack Newman, MD
"Labor Pain: A Natural Approach to Easing Delivery" Nicky Wesson
"Easing Labor Pain : The Complete Guide to a More Comfortable and Rewarding Birth, Revised Edition" Adrienne B. Lieberman
"The Doula Book: How a Trained Labor Companion Can Help You Have a Shorter, Easier, and Healthier Birth" Marshall H. Klaus, MD

for .56 cents. *grins* FIFTY SIX CENTS!!!! Swwweeetttt!!!  And free shipping, so I paid for nothing but BOOKS baby!!! Of course, I have to wait like 3 weeks to get them (cussses about not shipping stuff in 24 hours like they say!) but stilllll!!!  

*grins* Now I just need to get those Spanish CD's from Bellisa so that me & the boy can start speaking in a different tongue.


Life feels goods.


 

My mind's made up....

  It's - interesting how my mind works sometimes - I think my brain is like clay alot of the time - it's hard, stubborn, yet given a little time, it can easily accept the water of something new. So - I was talking about becoming a doula, and then I stopped talking about it - the clay needed a little time to accept this new concept.  I needed to mull and sleep on it - and now, jsut as naturally as breathing, I've made a choice. I'm going to get certified through DONA (Doula's of North America) attend a training in August, and hoefully be ready to start assisting at births by November. *grin*Grin*GRIN* I'm excited now - I really need to unpack my books so that I can figure out what I do and don't have - I've been 'gathering' up books for at least two years - so it will be interesting to see what I've collected.


I've also gotten hooked into several of the Memphis area childbirth/natural mommy groups, so hopefully that way I will be familiar with the women in the area who are part of the birthing community. gah - I'm still nervous though - but not in the least bit doubtful. *grins*


Off to order my certification packet/memebership/license plate!!


 


 

Monday, April 11, 2005

Monday ALREADY?????

Wow - this weekend really did fly by. We got a lot of unpacking done - the upstairs is done except for the books and our clothes - we need new dressers, and so clothes are packed/piled/stuffed EVERYWHERE.  Hopefully, this week we will get a chance to pick up something.  The waterbed is FINALLY filled (yaay!) and I think I may ahve had the best sleep of my LIFE last night - wow.


Let's see - what else is going on? I went shopping yesterday - couldn't find a SINGLE pair of sandals that I liked - which rather sucks. I'm going to find out where DSW is today, and maybe try to go there tomorrow night - tonight is grilling night, and I want to be home on TIME for that. *smakcs lips*


*grins* After my last infinitely long entry (that might be the first time that I've actually used up ALL of the characters) I'm kinda - bleh. Besides, it's monday.


ciao kittlings.

Friday, April 8, 2005

Survey(s)

Yup. I bored. Sooo..... survey time! (I haven't done one of these in a while). Actually, I not bored really, there is just stuff I wan do and I can't do cuz I'm at work, and I don't have enough work (yet) to really super occupy mah mind. So - surveys!





 






 


1. What's the last thing you ate? A couple of grapes and a strawberry that one of my coworkers brought to work.
2. What's your favourite cheese? Extra Extra Sharp White Cheddar, though I did have some Pepper Vodka cheese that was HEAVENLY.
3. What's your favourite fish? Salmon - smoked, grilled, creamed, as jerky.  
4. What's your favourite fruit? Hmm- it depends - cherries, tangerines, strawberries.
5. When, if ever, did you start liking olives? Ew. Olives.
6. When, if ever, did you start liking beer? About a year and a half ago?
7. When, if ever, did you start liking shellfish? In the womb I would guess - I was born in the Cheasapeake Bay area, and apparently through my moms whole pregnancy she ate about an ocean's worth of shellfish.
8. What was the best thing your mum/dad/guardian used to make? Ohhh - Hot eggs and noodles - it's a Malaysian dish and DAMN I need to make some.
9. What's the native specialty of your hometown? Cheesesteaks baby!
10. What's your comfort food? Pudding. Bread Pudding. with creme anglais
11. What's your favourite type of chocolate? I'm actually not a big chocolate person!
12. How do you like your steak? Medium, with a nice pink center.
13. How do you like your burger? Medium well. No pink what so ever...
14. How do you like your eggs? scrambled with shitloads of butter and cheddar cheese.
15. How do you like your potatoes? Mashed with ranch dressing.
16. How do you take your coffee? As coffee flavored milk and sugar
17. How do you take your tea? Ohhh - it depends. Iced usually.
18. What's your favourite mug? Huh...most liekly the match to C's mug that we got 'for each other' a couple of valentines ago.  
19. What's your biscuit or cookie of choice? Bordeaux by Pepperidge Farms *drools*.
20. What's your ideal breakfast? french toast, hot pork sausage, scrambled eggs, an entire bottle of syrup and a glass of milk WITH ice in it.
21. What's your ideal sandwich? Toasted bread, two slices of Oscar Meyer All Beef Balony, miracle whip, a slice of american cheese, yellow mustard and spicy relish.
22. What's your ideal pizza: Banana peppers, onions, mushrooms and extra cheese  
23. What's your ideal pie (sweet or savoury)? Savoury? Clearly this came from the UK - I'm not big on pie either - but if forced to chose, pecan or apple.
24. What's your ideal salad? This really depends on my mood - though I'm always down for a phatass Caeser.  
25. What food do you always like to have in the fridge? Cheese, mustard, water
26. What food do you always like to have in the freezer? Meat and broccoli.
27. What food do you always like to have in the cupboard? Olive oil.
28. What spices can you not live without? garlic powder, cayenne, black pepper.
29. What sauces can you not live without? None really - except for the 'standard' tomato, we make most of ours.
30. Where do you buy most of your food? Not sure yet - it'll most likely be Shnucks.
31. How often do you go food shopping? Once every two weeks, or sooner if we run out.
33. What's the most expensive piece of kitchen equipment you own? Hmm - if I DON'T include C's knives, most likely the giganourmous deep fryer we got as a wedding gift and have yet to use.
34. What's the last piece of equipment you bought for your kitchen? It's going to be pots & pans over this weekend - I think we are going to be real grownup and finally get a worthwhile freaking set.
35. What piece of kitchen equipment could you not live without? Blender - esp during those hot summer nights!
36. How many times a week/month do you cook from raw ingredients? Almost everytime we cook if you count onions.
37. What's the last thing you cooked from raw ingredients? Huh. I can't remember the last THING we cooked period.
38. What meats have you eaten besides cow, pig and poultry? Snail, lamb, goat, fish
39. What's the last time you ate something that had fallen on the floor? Umm...maybe two days ago? 
40. What's the last time you ate something you'd picked in the wild? Wow - that's been at least 5 years.
41. Arrange the following in order of preference: Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Indian, Thai, Sushi: 1: Sushi 2: Indian 3: Thai 4: Chinese 5: Mexican 6: Italian
42. Arrange the following in order of preference: Vodka, Whiskey, Brandy, Rum: 1: Rum 2: Vodka 3:Brandy 4:Whiskey
43. Arrange the following in order of preference: Garlic, Basil, Caramel, Lime, Mint, Ginger, Aniseed: 1: GARLIC!! 2: Basil 3:Lime 4: Mint 5: Ginger 6:Aniseed 
44. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana: 1: Strawberry 2:Cherry 3:Orange 4:Pineapple 5:Apple 6: Watermelon 7: Banana
45. Bread and spread: Toasted whole wheat & butter & strawberry jelly.
46. What's your fast food restaurant of choice, and what do you usually order? *hangs head in shame* McDonalds - two filet of fish, medium fries, large drink. If I'm TOTALLY MickeyD'd out, Wendys for a caeser salad.
47. Pick a city. What are the best dining experiences you've had in that city? *drool* Geneva!! Oh man - where to start? 1) Fondue so stinky you can smell it a block away and you can get drunk off the cheese alone. 2) The 'Duck Place' outrageously expensive, served some of the best damn duck and foie gras I've EVER eaten (including when C's cooked it).
48. What's your choice of tipple at the end of a long day? If I'm being lazy, a beer. If I actually feel like making a drink, a long island ice tea.
49. What's the next thing you'll eat? GREEK dammit!
50. Are you hungry now? No, not at all.
51. Do you eat your breakfast everyday? I rarely do - I'm usually nausated for about the firs two hours after I wake up (that doesn't bode well for any morning sickness I might have, does it?) and by the time I can bear the though of eating, it's 45 minutes to lunchtime.
52. At what time do you have breakfast? Umm - see above
53. At what time do you have lunch? Usually around 11:45ish.
54. What do you have for lunch? Gah. For the [ast two weeks, McDonalds (when I've eaten) Usually, it's leftovers from the night before.
55. At what time do you have dinner? Around 8 or 9 - I don't eat til I'm hungry and I tend to get hungry late.
56. What do you have for dinner? depends.
57. Do you light candles during dinner? Sometimes when I want to be romantic...
58. How many chairs are there in your dining room and who sits in the main chair? Four, and they are around a round table so there is no 'main' chair.
59. Do you eat and drink using your right hand or the left one? Both, dosen't matter to me.
61. Mention the veggies that you like most: Green beans, broccoli, cauliflower, asapragus, artichokes.
62. What fruit and vegetable do you like the least? Lima beans, peas, and unless C cooks them (and even then it's iffy) brussell sprouts.
63. You like your fruit salad to have more: Ew. No fruit salads. Ever.
 64. You prefer your vegetable salad to contain more: Tomatos or cruncy bits like nuts.
65. What’s your favourite sandwich spread? Miracle Whip (and I blame that on C - I used to be a die hard Mayo fan).
66. What’s your favourite chocolate bar? Heath Toffee (oly barely chocolate - mostly rich, crunchy, nummy toffee).
67. What’s your favourite dessert? Not a really big dessert person - though I might smack someone around a little for some GOOD baklava
68. What’s your favourite drink? Clearly Canadain (though I haven't had any in ages).
69. What’s your favourite snack? Crackers & Cheese, or white cheddar popcorn, or - anything cheesy, really.
70. What’s your favourite bubble gum flavour? Bleh.
71. What’s your favourite ice cream flavour? Either Hagen-DazDulce de Leche or Ben & Jerry Carmel Toffee Swirl.
72. What’s your favourite potato chip flavour? Herrs Red Hot, Old Bay, and Salt and Vinegar mixed together. *drool*.
73. What’s your favourite soup? Progressive New England Clam Chowder or Steak & Ales Lobster Bisque.
74. What’s your favourite pizza? Super thin, super greay, craploads of cheese.
75. What’s your favourite type of dish? Middle Eastern, I'd have to say. I could eat that family of foods FOREVER.  
76. What food do you hate? Chittlins. Never ate em, never will. *gag*
77. What’s your favourite restaurant? Haven't found a new one yet - I'm a variety chick, and usually I'll burn out on a place.
78. Do you eat homemade food, food delivered from outside? Both.
80. Who cooks at home? Both of us - I think that when he's not working C cooks more, and when he is, I do. He's a better cook (obviously) but if it falls under the 'sweets' category, I RULE!
81. What kind of diet (e.g. low-fat, high-fiber, high-carbohydrate, balanced diet etc.) do you have? I'm supposed to be on a low-carb diet, but wellll errah......
82. How do you keep yourself fit? We're supposed to keep fit too??



 



 




 


 


 




 


The Beginning
What is your name?: A'ishah (really, it is!) 
What is your mother's name?: Leslie (to give her a lil privacy - my mom's current name rocks more than mine though)
Do you like your name?: I like that one better than my first, actually.
How old are you?: 28 (It's so sad I have to really THINK about it) 
Do you attend school?: Noooooo.
Do you skip school frequently?: Duh - no - and I didn't even when I was in school. The occasional 8am class (oh yeah!) but that ish cost too much for me to waste money by not going!  
Are you a freeloader?: No - I'm usually the one being freeloaded off of.
Do you like food?: Umm... yeah..
Do you like Taco Bell?: It's aiight if you are in desparation.
Where do you live?: Memphis, Tn
Do you pay rent?: Yup
Are you a slacker?: It's my fondest dream to become filthy nasty stinking BillGates-esque rich so I CAN be a slacker. As of now, no.
Do you have a job?: Yes.
Do you have any siblings?: Nope
Who is your favorite cousin?: *thinks* Do I have any cousins? Yeahhh... my uncle has a couple of kids, but - *rolls eyes* so much babymama drama, so I don't know any of em.
Do you have a lot of money?: Enough....
Do you have your own room?: No
Do you like cheese?: My mom's nickname for me as a child was 'Mouse'. Does that answer the question? 


Favorites.
Band?: Jamaroqui
Word?: WHAT??!.
Body organ?: Fingers.
Name?: A'ishah (selfcentered much?)
Type of car?: Preferablly a free one that works perfectly.
Brand of potato chip?: Herr's.
Fast Food Joint?: McDonalds.
Restaurant?: N/A
Movie?: Dogma
Animal?: Cat
Novel?: Dune
Person to mock?: C - we love to torment each other.
Sexually transmited disease?: None! How bout that?? Ew!
Other disease?: *evil grin* Diarehha of the mouth.
Insult?: Ohh... I don't insult people often, and when I do, the vulgarity and creativity of the insult depends on how pissed off I am.
Type of Person?: openminded, openhearted, and intelligent?
Number?: 1
Bodily Function?: breathing - useful thing that.

This Or That.
Death or destruction?: Destruction.
Murder or mayhem?: Mayhem.
Order or anarchy?: Order.
Bush or Kerry?: Kerry.
Sex or virginity?: Sex.
Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom?: Legolas!!
Cheese or steak?: Cheesesteak
Sleep or activity?: I like to sleep.
Sport or Art?: Art.
Tolkien or Rowling?: Tolkien
Kennedy or Lincoln?: Kennedy
Germany or England?: England
Love or lust?: Love
Anger or resentment?: Anger
Coffee or soda?: Soda


Deep Thoughts.
Do you think dead baby jokes are cruel?: Yes - ain't nothing funny about dead children in any way shape or form and those who think they ARE funny should be whipped.
Are you liberal or conservative?: Liberal.
Are you against gay marriage?: No.
State your opinion on the Vietnam War.: Umm...was I alive? No. Was it stupid (but perfectly in line with the American mentality)? Yes.
Is masturbation okay?: Obviously.
Was Roe vs. Wade the right decision?: The decision made in that case was the right one.
Was there a conspiracy to kill JFK?: Of course.
Is the Patriot Act right?: No.
Should the minimum wage be raised?: I want to say yes, but I know there are economic represscussions that I don't fully understand, so it's a yes, but answer. 
Should school be mandatory?: Nope
Should God stay out of the government?: Oh sweet mother OF god, yes.
Are you for or against the War in Iraq?: Against.


The Finale.
What time is it?: 3:06p.m.
How are you feeling?: Upry.
Have you ever had sex?: Yeahhhh...
What are you listening to?: coworkers talking about escaping early
Are you a late sleeper?: YES!! .
Would you ever join PETA?: Hmmm....besides my love for meat - maybe. Do they have issues with pets?
Do you like salt?: Yess....
Have you ever dated a friend's ex?: *grins* Yes.  
Do you have enemies?: Nah.
Do you like to get dressed up?: Oh yeah.....looking all hot makes C all bothered. hehehe.





 




 


your porn star name (first pet you ever had, street you live on): Jihad Roland
your movie star name (favorite snack food/grandfather's first name): Smartfood SpermDonor
your fashion designer name (first word you see on your left, favorite restaurant): Edge N/A
exotic foreign alias (favorite spice/last foreign vacation spot): Cayenne Dominican
socialite alias (silliest childhood nickname/town where you first partied): Kenny Atlanta
fly girl a (first initial, first 2 or 3 letters of your last name): K Bla
icon alias (something sweet within sight/any liquid in your kitchen): Grape Tequila
detective alias (favorite animal/where you went to high school): Cat Chester
barfly alias (last snack food you ate/your favorite alcoholic drink): Sour Cuba Libre
soap opera alias (middle name/street where you first lived): A'ishah 4th
rock star alias (favorite candy/last name of favorite musician): Heath Jackson
your Star Wars name (first two letters of your first name and the first three letters of your last name to make your first name/take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city where you were born): Kebla Guwas


 

 


 


 




 


Okay - I know I have to be hitting the character limit (Hey DM!! What happened to the char counter with the WYSIWYG editor? Hmmm? Hmmm?) but I'mma keep rolling on! And seriously - if you've gotten this far, say WhooHooo! Cuz you are even more bored than I am!




1.Your full name: K**** A'ishah B**** (I'm open, but not THAT damn open)
2. Do you feel like your name fits you? Yeah- I've finally settled into it...and I don't even miss my maiden name as much as I thought I would.
3. Do you have an alter ego? Mulitples.
4. Where were you born? Umm... Washington General, I think. (Who keeps track of that level of detail?)
5. Where do you live? Memphis
6. Do you like to travel? Yes! It's fabu!
7. What is your birthday? January 13, 1977.
8.  Do you have siblings? I've got a half-sister I've never met, but other than that, I'm a spoiled rotten only child.
9. Do you have pets? Two cats - Nikki and Giovanni
10. Which was the happiest year of your life? Ohhh... honestly - each year has been happier than the last, so I guess 2004.
11. How old do you wish you were? 28 is cool - I would mind going back to about 23 if I could keep the husband and the knowledge - that way my biological clock might SHUT UP.
12. A movie is being made about your life, who would play you? *grins* Countess Vaughn - or if we are talking about the me that I wish to be - some unknown as there ain't enough Black Actresses
13. Who would you cast to play your significant other? *grins* Cuba Gooding Jr.
14. What would you like to be famous for? Making a difference in some way.
15. Is it better to be famous or infamous? Personally, I'd rather be rich & obscure
16. You’re going to die a natural death. What is the cause? Old age.
17. You’re going to die a sudden, tragic death. What is the cause? Car accident
18. How long do you plan on living? As long as I keep my faculties.
19. What was the last song you got stuck in your head? "I wanna dance with somebody" by Whitney Houston
20. Sing any commercial jingle. *cusses* Bahdahbapbapbaaaahhhh I'm lovin it!
21. What is your favorite element on the periodic table? I love AU
22. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset, as 1) it comes through the windows of my house and 2) Sunrise happens too damn early
23. Introvert or extrovert? Introvert with extroverted tendencies - if you meet me after I've got some alchohol in me, you won't believe it!
24. Creation or evolution? Evolution.
25.Action or reaction? every action causes an equal and opposite reaction, so does it really matter?  
26. Unity or individuality? Individuality.
27. Hugs or drugs? Hugs while on drugs?
28. Animal, vegetable, or mineral? Depends on what I'm doing with it.
29. Popsicle, creamcicle, or fudgecicle? Dreamsicle
30. Fight or flight? Flight (yes, I AM a wussass) figure could we have done without?
31. Who is your favorite historical figure? The unsung ones who did the work that the famous one's got credit for.
32. Which historical figure could we have done without? Ummm.....I'm not even GETTING into the paradox of history changes.
 33. What happened in the last dream you remember? I was a queen (ohh Celebrity cruise commercial flashback) - telling people what to do.
34. Do nice guys really finish last? Last and broke....poor babies.
35. What are your favorite boys’ names? Michael,  James, Christopher
36. What are your favorite girls’ names? anything flowery
37. Open or closed? Open
38. White bread or wheat bread? Wheat - white bread has no taste.
39. Is it better to burn out than to fade away? Burn out - I wanna be a STAR!
40. You put a quarter into a toy machine. What do you get? one of those squeezy stress ball thingys
41.What do you want to be when you grow up? An asskicking, name taking momma and midwife
42. What were your favorite childhood toys? Legos
43. What was your first pet? A kitty named Jihad (she was a mean bitch)
44. What annoys you? Shhhtupid people who think they know it all
45. What is your favorite action caption from the old Batman TV show? BAM!
46. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? 28 with a small tongue, 13 with a large tongue....and I'm going to stop there.
47. The glass... half empty or half full? The glass is too big. Obviously.


WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON
48. Tightie whities? As long as the ass inside is cute, I'm cool.
49. Mc Donald’s Happy Meals? FUN!
50. Reality shows? Unrealistic
51. Gummi bears or gummi worms?If it ain't so sour your eyes start to water when you open the package, neither
52.Would you rather sky dive or deep sea dive? I'd like to skydive into the sea 
53. Paper or plastic? Paper.
54. What position do you sleep in? Legs turned sideways and curled up, boobs to the bed, head to one side. On my right side.
55. Do you sleep on the left, right, or the middle of the bed? Umm - when C's in the bed left, if I'm alone, middle.
56. Sweet or sour? Sour!
57. What was your favorite after school special? WISHBONE!
58.What is your favorite word? Huh?
59. Beach or mountains? Beach
60. Mounds or almond joy? Ew.
61. Do YOU feel like a nut? Regularily
62. To give or to receive? Both - I'm balanced
63. Chocolate or caramel? Caramel - the day they come out with a lowcarb version, I'm going to buy a big bag and sit on the toilet and enjoy.
64. Do you have any nicknames? Nahh... except the lovely sweetie ones me & C banter back and forth 
65. What does your name mean? Success
66. Have you ever fainted? No.
67. Have you ever had a crush on a school teacher? OOOhhhhh lord yes.
68.What was the last thing you ate? strawberry
69.Do you have any bad habits? I smoke.
70. What was your most happy memory? Getting married, interestingly enough considering I cried through the whole wedding.
71. What was your most unhappy memory? The day my mother told me she was remarrying my stepfather for the thrid time ranks right up there with the day my best friend told me he refused to help take care of his child. Bastard.
72. If you could visit any time period, what would it be? Ancient Egypt
73. What would Jesus do? *evil grin*
74. Make up a word and define it. Damn. I've got several self-made words, and of course, I can't remember any now.
75.Favorite Kool-Aid flavor? Yeech.
76. Favorite pick-up line? *gags*
77. Who was the third gunman on the grassy knoll? yo mama.... (i mean, really?)
78. What did you like to make believe as a child? I was rich because I had just discovered a huge archelogical treasure
79. Did you have an imaginary friend? I still do.
80. Would you like to live in a castle or a mansion? Mansion - castles get drafty.
81. Re-arrange some of the letters in your first, middle, and last name to make a word: Too much work.
82. Do it fast or do it right? Fast and right.
83.What was the last book you read? The ShadowSinger by L.E Modesitt Jr.
84. Have you ever had surgery? Nope
85. Random fact about you: I still have both of my severely crooked wisdon teeth
86. What is the first thing you wash in the shower? My arms
87. What is your favorite cereal? Corn Pops - gotta get my pops!!
88. If you could learn any foreign language, what would it be? Spanish
89. If you had the choice to live forever, would you? and stay youthful? Hell yeah!
90. If you had the choice to be the opposite sex for a day, would you? Oh yes. Just to see if you really DO lose all your sense with your dick gets hard


WORD ASSOCIATION
91. Grey... goose
92. Human...being
93. Fruit loop...puffs
94. Glove...hand
95 Plum...darling
96. Race...wars
97. Heart...break
98. Parasite...uncle
99. Light...hearted


DO YOU BELIEVE IN
100. Fate? Yeah
101. Ghosts? Yeah
102. God? Creator, yes. Big Daddy in the Sky? No
103. Big foot? Yeah.
104. Soul mates? Yeah
105. Aliens? Definitely - the universe is too big for humans to be the only sentinent beings
106. Angels? Hmm...maybe
107. Loch ness monster? Yeah
108. Heaven and hell? On earth
109. The Zodiac? sometimes
110. Love at first sight? Yes
111. Karma? Oh yeah
112. Vampires? there are some innnnteresting diseases out there
113. If you had any super power, what would it be? Telepathy
114. Would you use your power for good or evil? Good, but of course. Mwahahahahaaa
115. Name something nostalgic. Snork! (our cable has Boomerrang - I'm we're SOO geeked!)
116. What are your turn-ons in the opposite sex? Intelligent, wit, honesty
117. What are your turn-offs in the opposite sex? Idiocy and -ism's
118. What was the best compliment ever given to you by a non-family member? Hmm... that's a hard one - I'm not good with getting compliments
119. Which character from Scooby Doo do you most relate to? Velma.
120. What is the worst trend of the present time? selfishness
122. What’s a show you’d like to have cancelled? *shrugss* I could care less - if I don't likey, I don't watchy
123. You can’t sleep. What do you do? Read
124. Do you wear jewelry? Yes
125. What is your favorite smell? Black Nag
126. What was the best decade of the past century? The 70's dammit - prelove & peace pre-AIDS and Bush
127. What is your favorite month of the year? May
128. Do you smoke? Yes
129. Do you drink? Yes
130. What is your favorite subject in school? English. I love reading and writing.
131. What is your worst subject in school? Math. That's why some brilliant person created calculators - his name started with a B.....
132. If you had to give up one of your senses, what would it be? Hearing
133. Do you follow your head or your heart? My head - my heart can be a right dumb heifer
134. Do you truly know who you are? I'm working on it
135. Are you superstitious? Not at all.
136. Are you sentimental? Not really.
137. How many times a day do you eat? 2, occasionally 3 if I'm up late.
138. Are you more of a main idea or detail type of person? Main idea.
139. What is your favorite pie? Pecan (sans crust)
140. Have you ever been close to death? No.
141. Do you like roller coasters? Yes
142. Apples or oranges? Oranges
143. Are you hyperactive? nooo...
144. Do you talk in your sleep? sometimes
145. What is your favorite holiday? None really
146. Do you go to church? No
148. If you could open up your own business, what would it be? A birthing center
149. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Alfred Duggins
150. What is your weakness? fooooddd
152. If love were a flavor, which flavor would it be? sour apple
153. If hate were a flavor, which flavor would it be? chittlins
154. Have you ever been prescribed any drugs? Not since the Ortho-Tricyclen days
155. Is lying sometimes necessary? Definitely
157. What is your favorite curse word? Dammit!
158. Do you have any birthmarks? No - I used to have one in my eye, but after my LASIK it went away
159. If you could visit anywhere in the US, where would it be? Haw'ii
160. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would it be? Egypt
162. Do you feel like your physical self matches your personality? Not - I'm a size 8 hot momma underneath
163. What was the name of your kindergarten teacher? Didn't have one
164. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Neither now, wore glasses from 5 till 16, contacts from 16 till 26.
165. How tall are you? 5'4”
166. How tall would you like to be? Either 5'0 or 5'9
167. Your current mood: Bored.
168. Do you dress up for Halloween? No
169. Have you ever been in a car accident? Two - neither time was I driving.
170. What is your favorite lucky charm? There is something seriously wrong with dehydrated marshmellows
172. Do you tend to date people younger or older than you? Older.
173. Do your exes look alike? Hmm.... they are in pairs
 174. Do your exes act alike? Nope
175. Have you ever been in love? I’m in love right now!
176. What is your favorite kids movie? Mulan
177. Have you ever hallucinated? due to lack of sleep, yes
178. What do you like most about the opposite sex? Their minds. Seriously!
179. What do you hate most about the opposite sex? Their minds - silly boys
180. Have you ever been on a blind date? No.


HAH! Ran out of space!


Ciao beautiful people - have a GREAT weekend!!


Okay - I think I'm done for now - maybe someone's updated. ..... ARGH! Only one person - prepare to be subjected to more surveys (and if you've actually read this far, you rock.... really)