Nappilicious Issues

I was on LHCF earlier today, and was responding to one of the ladies complaining about her tangles and knots and etc, and how it's considered 'standard' that tangles and knots are something that nappys have to deal with.
Another poster responded with this picture, and in my response, I got a little long winded, and a little ranty, and a little journally, so I figured I would just C&P most of it to here, and post something addressing the OP's concerns there.

Anyhow - this is a picture from a Benin Oba and Queen Mother Commemorative Heads website, and thus starts my response........

Ooh, how lovely! I'm adding that to my inspirational stuff. I can't wait til my hair is long enough for a gibson tuck! I wish that pic had more detail - their hair looks like it's not braided/twisted, but just pulled up into a high bun? I was looking for pictures of african hairstyles a while ago, out of curiousity as to how Africans wore their hair. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to do a search using tribe/region names in order to be able to pull anything up. That picture actually looks like it was scanned from a book - ah! It was - 'Royal Art of Benin - The Perls Collection' Interesting. It's almost time to go home, so I might check out Benin women hair in a googlefuu later on......

I'm natural, figure I always will be, and I have single strand knots and tangles and split ends, and it's like - so what? *lol* None of those matter unless I'm trying to wear my hair straight - because with the curlies I have, you can't see them/tell they are there.....
I don't know - but then, I also don't understand the idea that if you wear your hair up all the time, you aren't 'enjoying' it - as if the only way you can enjoy your hair is if it's loose. I mean, really - as if having it in a bun, or in twists, or in any of the other styles besides 'loose' are somehow less lovely than having your hair 'out'.....

I KNOW I can't wear my hair in a puff or a fro. without HAVING to deal with tangles, knots, broken off curly ends, and all those other issues. That's how my hair rolls, and if I want to grow it long, I have to roll that way with it. So, I wear my hair up 99% of the time - and it's forcing me to be more creative with my hairstyles and my hair routines. Right now, I'm down to using a comb in my head once a week, on soaking wet hair slathered in conditioner. I'm trying to figure out how to stretch that out to twice a month, but I think I'm going to have to wait for my hair to be longer so that my styles will 'stay' better.

I think one of the reasons that little black girls had such thick lovely hair as children (back in the day where the difference between grown and not grown was enforced - not in todays prostitot age) was because it was only 'down' for special occasions. For the day to day wearing of it - it was up, somehow - whether in braids, or in a bun, or whatever. It wasn't combed daily (cuz momma ain't have time) and it wasn't subjected to glue and chemicals (because that was far too grown). Even now, so many women comment on how much the health of their hair changed once they hit puberty - I think it's less the hormones flowing through us, and more the fact that we don't have our mothers hands in our hair anymore.

Internal Damages

I've always been - well, no. Not always. Lately, I've been wondering if my abortion (8 years ago! holy cow!) maybe - damaged my uterus somehow. I've heard of the cringing and problems that D&C could cause, and - well, the thought was always there.

Then, today, and I don't know why (maybe my period starting? or maybe something I read on cbirth) I started thinking about the actual procedure - and it struck me that they used some sort of vacuum type thing - definitely no blades. I looked it up, and apparently I had a EVA (Electronic Vacuum Aspiration) done - which has a much lower rate of uterine damage than a D&C does.

So, that's an oddly huge relief. What impacts the abortion may have had on my heartfeather, I don't know - I felt enourmously at peace with it then, and I still feel at peace with it. If I end up being infertile, I doubt that I'll feel much peace with aborting the only child of my blood I would have ever had - but once again, I hope that I never have to cross that bridge.

Of course, the IUD could have done something odd too.

*sigh* It's insane, and it sucks, that almost all of the procedures/hormones/methods of NOT getting pregnant so often affect your long term ability to get pregnant when you are actually ready.

I've decided, since we are going to buy another Fertell test anyhow, I'll take the FSH test Saturday morning (CD3 according to FF - I'm totally dismissing the barely there spotting Tue/Wed), and it I fail (which oddly enough, I'm pretty sure I will - just like C did) we'll both retake them in 3 months, once we've finished our bottles of FertilityBlend.

I'm a little - relieved - and a little ashamed at the same time - that we are 'officially' in a NT/NA period right now. It gives us a little time to relax, and to reconnect. It gives me a little time to lose some bloody WEIGHT. In addition - it'll shift the end of the pregnancy more towards the cool months - as I'm really not looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in an air conditioned house in the South.

I wish I could find that article that mentioned that babes concieved during certain months have a lower IQ, overall, and how they believed that was a side effect of the higher levels of pesticides/pollution in the air in the summer months.

Hrm, I'll see if I can dig it up.

Life

I feel like I should write. Not for you guys (though I'm certain you're hanging on my every word), but for me.

I feel like I should be taking pictures and singing in the rain and dancing for no apparent reason - like I should be doing these things, you must understand, not that I want to.

I don't want to be at work - only 48 minutes left, and I don't want to come back tomorrow, despite work having been - well, for the job that it is, it's been pretty darn sweet.

My life is dull, I think. It's wonderful and it's peaceful and it's lovely and it's occasionally (more frequently than I would like to admit) lonely, but - in general - it's dull.

No. Dull isn't the right word. It's dull like the ocean on a still day. It's dull like a perfectly cloudless sky. It's dull like a dead tree, carved and sharpened by sand.

The little things perk me up - like C bringing home meatloaf, or finding the perfect pair of earrings or hearing my favorite song.

And it's not like it's a rut either. And for once, I can say it's definitely not limbo.....it's just my life. And perhaps I've gotten to used to it - but I not (looking around for the tricksy hand of the gods) ASKING for it to be shook up, just to be clear. A wee shake-up would be very nice, and much appreciated, though.

I'm going to get a tattoo this weekend, I think.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I realized (in one of those melodramatic flashes of insight), that I'm unbalanced - tattoo wise, and being wise. I - I can't walk that delicate middle line - social, but not to social, open but not too open, wise but not a smartass, silly but focused, eager but cautious. And I want to walk that line - I'm not asking for it to be easy - but I would like to feel a bit less like a drunken sailor.

Anyhow. The only tattoo I have right now is fire.... and to balance it, I'm going to get three more - water, earth, and air. Water is going to be my next one - perfectly balancing fire (which is on my right hip) by being on my left hip. After that, I suspect me & C might finally get our 'matching' tatts, if I can ever finish designing them.

Then Earth, low on my back, right over my spine. Then Air, on my shoulders.

I don't know how long it will take me, but I know it feels enourmously right. I got fire first, oh so many moons ago, because I felt like I lacked passion. I've learned, over that time, that I don't lack in passion in the least - I just wasn't trying to bring my passion to bear on the RIGHT things. Now, I feel like I'm ready to accentuate ALL of my aspects.

My hair, she is growing.

My ass, is shockingly enough, staying the same damn size (too large) without me fighting to keep it there. Even MORE relieivingly, my 'stable' weight is ten pounds LESS than it used to be. Go figure. We have almost finished putting together the fitness room - I need to order another packages of matting, and we need some fans and an A/C unit, and then I can start working on reducing the size of my ass.

My garden, she is growing like wild things - the cukes and the pumpkins are plotting on how to take over the world, the sunflowers are taller than me, the strawberries are finally producing (though, I don't think I like them, and might buy a new strain next year) the peppers are moving slow, and all of the tomatoes I PLANTED flipped me the bird - but a volunteer from LAST year showed up. It is green, and glorious, and dear god, I'm never going to want to eat another cucumber again.

(left side is pumpkins, right side is cukes). At least I can freeze pumpkin puree.

C is doing wonderfully, working his ass off and his heart out and really making that hotel BETTER. And he loves every minute of it. We've been together for almost seven years, and it feels like barely the blink of an eye. We still ain't perfect, but I never even pictured we would be this close to it.

The FatCat is still ruling the roost - though we think he encountered a snake a while ago, as he was skittish as all get out - he damn near levitated when I shifted the hose suddenly, and he's met a dog (and learned that the tops of cars are wonderful places to hide, much to C's dismay) but he still thinks he's the shit. And of sweet heavens, he's shedding like a..... like a.... like a double coated cat in 90+ degrees temps who spends equal amounts of time outside and in an unairconditioned house, and if I ever get into the yarn/spinning thing, I could totally make a sweater. A full body sweater.

The house... well. This has been the last thing we've worked on.

Going from this:

to this:

One thousand, four hunded, and twenty, if you were wondering how many books there were. And I still need/want/crave/desire more. I've come out of the book dragon closet, and I'm proud, dammit.

So. See? It's life. It's quiet, and peaceful, and comfortable and calm, and as much as I dance on the edge of wanting a sudden squall to sweep there - I'm happy - really happy - as it is.

How YOU doin'???

Randomness

It's about midnight, and I'm stil up because I have henna in my hair.

Well, okay, it's not really the henna that is keeping me up,because I could wash it out at any point in time.

It's the fact that I've never kept henna in for less than 12 hours, and the thought of washing it out at the seven hour mark feels rather pointless to me - even though I know that to some people, 6 hours is a bit of an acheivement.

Anyhow, I'm still awake, and will be taking a shower in a bit, to wake me up even more.

I spent most of the day either futzing around, or building bookcases. I built five today, and they are all nicely installed and attached to the wall so I don't have to worry about the bookcases pulling an Evie.

Tomorrow, I'll catalouge hopefully the rest of my books. I'm looking forward to it - I think that the library will soon be my next favorite room.

I'm watching Iron Chef America, and watching DH fall asleep.

I also have some of the WORST hiccups ever. Ugh.

See.

I warned you.

Randomness.

*yawn*

I'm still not pregnant. I was rather hoping that I would get knocked up as soon as I stopped trying to not get knocked up. *snort* Yah, not so simple, eh?

I really hope that Bobby Flay doesn't win. I'm not fond of him - such a stuck up asshole.

I need to call Andi. Dear Gods, I need to call her - I'm such a sucky slacker of a friend. Fuck all, for that matter, I need to call Alison. Gahhhh. I suck.

Still with the hiccups.

GAHHHH.

Tomorrow is DITL.

I could do it - shit, today is DITL. Hah. I think I will go and get the camera out of DH"s car.

Mwuahahaha. .

G'night dolls.

ETA: Bah. Ah well, wont' be doing DITL, as DH left the charger at work. At that's assuming he didn't lose it, which would prompt me to strangle him.

AHHHH!

*sigh*

 

 

Yes, Yes.

.............

I come, and I stare, and I rack my brain, and - really. Nothing is going on - new like, in my life. Well, nothing that I consider of enough gripping interest that YOU folx would want to know about.

And maybe that's it. I love ya'll dearly, I do, and treasure the wonderful ODbond that has formed.

But. This is MY diary.

And sometimes, I think that - dammit - I think that I censor myself based on what I THINK other people want/need from me. And yeah, this is about way more than just OD.

And I'm slowly coming to realize that - well, not slowly, but the realization bitch slapped me a few days ago, and I'm still slowly coming to terms with it - but I'm coming to realize that not only am I doing MYSELF a disservice, it's an insult - really - to everyone I call friend.

At the same time - it's HARD. Oh dear me, is it hard. And it really shouldn't be, ya know? I shouldn't be afraid of being me. I shouldn't be ashamed of being me. As much as I talk about not requiring approval from others - deep down, I want it. I like feeling stroked and appreciated - and I cringe - on a souldeep level - when I am shunned/ignored/pushed aside. I'm a party girl at heart - but I'm a party girl who has never been one of the cool kids - always forming my own little party of three or so in the corner.

And, over the years I've convinced myself that I'm just so - different - that it's kinda expected I would be the odd kid out. I'm from Jupiter, you see, and therefore I don't have to TRY to fit in. And really - I don't want to fit in.

I just don't want to be afraid of not fitting in.

Also (and I'm only a marginal believer in the concept of horoscopes, but after a couple of nice solid nudges, a girl has to sit up and pay attention) my last few horoscopes/inspirational emails have all had the same thing of authenticity and of selfcenteredness and selfawareness.

I've got to break out of my shell. I HAVE to. I've finally - finally - grown to the point where the shell isn't giving anymore. And it's starting to make me feel stagnant, and guilty, and withdrawn that I can't give what I know I CAN give - and oftentimes want to give - but I just can't break through fully enough to pull it off.

I want to be the full sunhearted, moonbellied woman that I KNOW I am.

I'm just terrified that being me will be an impostion on people, and I'll be left all alone.

*sigh*

Well. Looks like I did have something on my mind, afterall.

11:11

I'm a little scared that without the lubricant of altering substances - weed, alcohol, etc, we won't get along nearly as well.

I don't know why as - I love him sober, and he loves me sober.

Somehow, I just think that it won't be quite as FUN. Are we THIS fun sober? And how scary is that in general? I want to be the cool bitch that I am high, sober.

I've acheived it - ocassionally, and usually with a group of pretty fucking special women, but I don't know if I can achieve it alone - so to speak.

Which really, is rather sad. I think.

I just had a conversation with C about the fact that I don't react - 'normally' to a lot of external social stimuli.

*sigh*

More later, as it's late, and I'm tired, and just. Bleh.

11:26

Traveling without Moving....

I'm - content.

Today, I told a friend that over the last few weeks, I've come to accept two things...

1) Looking at it from a global level, we're quite wealthy.

2) People do dumb shit.

I've been enourmously peaceful through/because of those two revalations. While sometimes 'The Hate' (as I like to call it) overwhelms me, and I hate everything breathing within a 20 ft radius (20 yds if I'm driving), most of them time I'm disgustingly zenlike & happy. 

I feel like I'm finally - doing things  - to get me where I want to be. I'm not just standing still, marking time - I'm traveling. And - I'm traveling, without moving, because most of my travel is - mental?  viewpoint? I'm changing, gradually, into the woman that I've always wanted to be, and it feels odd, and lazy, and - far too easy. 

I feel superstious, like everytime I even think of how wonderful things are, I should complain and bewail it, so that mischevious fairies don't come along and screw the whole thing up - and even as I think that, I laugh at how foolish it is - and yet how right it feels. 

It's scary being this - satisfied. It's not like I WANT drama in my life - it's just that - I've never lived a life as - suitable - to me as this one is. I'm worried that - I'm scared that I might start to take it for granted, and that I might lose sight of how precious and wonderful and lovely my life is.   

*grins* So. New and new and new.

I'm happy.

I blame it on the moon...

Because despite having run around all day yesterday, gone to a late night meeting, and not gone to bed until almost 11pm (and dragging ass the whole time), I opened my eyes this morning with the amazing realization that - I wasn't TIRED. I was actually - almost - well, rather well rested. I felt like I had slept for roughly 326 hours straight, cooconed in a warm bath, and rocked by the wind. Okay, a little flowery, but SERIOUSLY. 

I stood in the shower almost in shock - like WOW. I'm really - awake! I haven't felt this awake since - oh, since forever. I felt fresh and clear and clean and really, why was I going around growling at people and making the monster clawing face and seriously considering crying because I just couldn't take the cap off the bottle of water?

Maybe it was the vitamins (that I hadn't been taking for two weeks). Maybe it was the moon (today is the actual full moon rather than the dragging build UP to the full moon). Maybe I just got the last little bit of sleep I needed to no longer be 'sleep deprived'. Maybe it was the hoagie I had giving me jsut the right shot of stinky veggies and meats to fill my belly and rest me right. 

Whatever it was - THANK YOU.  

Though, it IS almost 4pm, and I COULD use a nap. But - well, who doesn't?      

Tired. Tired. Tired.

But I'm not sleepy in the least - I'm just tired. The kind of tired that makes you snippy. The kind of tired that makes doing anything more than laying draped on a couch under a blankie seem not only unfair, but also rather mean. The sort of tiredness that makes you want to throw tantrums and stomp your feet and pout because dammit - if  you could just GO TO SLEEP everything would seem to be sooo much better. But you can't. Cuz you aren't SLEEPY.

Just tired.

This is what happens when I spend a weekend with the girls - I come home fraying on the edges - it's a delight to spend time with them, but my gods - I'm just plain not as young as I used to be. All I really need is a nap, I think.

A 14 hour nap.

On a featherbed.

On the beach.

Yes, yesssss...........................

  

Wealth.....

I woke up at 9:45 this morning, delightin in the feeling of sleeping luxuriously late...and realized once I got downstairs that it was actually 8:45 - and I felt as if I had a wealth of time.

I puttered around the house, doing my hair, cleaning the kitchen, building (or at least getting a damn good start on) a compost bin - and I felt as if I had a wealth of comfort in my home.

I cooked, stirring the sauce and the veggies and the meat, and set them aside, waiting for the ricotta that hubby is bringng home to be turned into a rich, meaty, juicy lasagna, and as I grazed through the fridge and the cupboard for dessert ideas, and I felt as if I had a wealth of food.

I watched 'Minature Earth' yesterday, I think it was... and one line caught my eye.

"If you have a fridge, and food to put in it....if you have a closet, and clothes to hang in it....if you have a bed, and a roof to go over it - you are amoung the richest 5% of people in the world...."

No matter how 'tight' things may appear to be - I am SO blessed, so wealthy, so loved, so fullof joy that sometimes I have to really sit down, and enjoy it - enjoy it with AWARENESS - the bliss of being rich.....and the comfort of being loved.

*hugsforeveryone*

Yes. It's been sunny for the last two days, and I've spent as much time out in the sun as I could, and MY!! That was just the medicine my spirit needed.

Can I blame it on the rain???

Yeahhh, yeaah.

So. Despite wearing pretty clothes and having pretty hair and it being Friday and getting paid next week and having an idea for Nano and having gotten a full 9 hours of sleep and having a rockin ass sammich waiting on me for lunch and having had a yummy stick to your gutly-type bowl of oatmeal for breaksfast this morning....

I still want to unhinge my jaw and bite the head off of anyone who even LOOKS at me odd....and they don't even have to be doing anything stupid. I feel like my grip on - normal human pleasantry is swirling, swirling down the drain and even people who are right and perfect and cheerful make me want to spray acidic poison on them. Oh yeah, I'm pleasant.

But I'm trying (very very very) hard to keep it under control, because there's really no reason, and it's not THEIR fault that I've turned into Mrs. Snapping Turtle, and as I walked to the breakroom to get some water and saw the clouds breaking and a tiny bit of sun I thought.....

Hey! Maybe I can blame it on the rain. It's been raining for at LEAST three days straight - maybe all week (the days start to blur together, ya know?). And I KNOW how I get in the winter time when I don't get some sun (grumpy, tired, evil, depressed) and maybe, just maybe, this constant rain (on top of my period) has just congealed my heart into a tiny little poisonous rock that glares at puppies and kittens frolicking in the fields (but babies are still cute). So.

I'm blaming it on the rain (yeah, yeah). And I fully plan on being outside, playing in the dirt, building a compost bin, and doing otherwise Vitamin-D creating activites over the (supposedly) sunny weekend, because I'm getting on my OWN nerves now.

*glares at clouds* GO. AWAY.

Thank you.

Babies.

I just watched an episode of Dave Chappelle, where he was talking about his son living in his balls. I know, I know, but it's DAVE.

Any how - that got me to thinking.....

Any babies that I have - they have been living in ME since I was born. I mean - my eggs, and my ovaries, are as old as I am, and .......

Damn.

Does that mean that my babies (subconsciously) have absorbed everything that I've EVER been involved in/felt/loved/hated?

I mean - waaaay before conception - my babies have been a part of me.

And I'm writing this, the day that (much to my relief) I figured out (38 days into my normally 28/30 day cycle) that I'm not pregnant (Goddess's bless the bleeding! Why - WHY - would any woman want to give UP her period? Sweet Jesu, I would think that I was knocked up 24/7 - NOT pleasant. NOT the pleasant. Stressful as FUCK (can I use that word in my entries, as I can't use it in my notes??) really. ).

So. Anyhow.

I'm Not knocked up. And I'm thinking about my eggs having gone through everything I've gone through. And I'm wondering how conscious my eggs are - how much the idea of a cellular memory is real.

*sigh*

I'm not Bene Gessiret, and I'm NOT a Reverend Mother, and I've NOT taken the Spice and I've NOT Changed and - sheeee.....

Eggs have been living in women for - well, forever. And - okay - yeah, kids have gotten odder (crazier, wilder, angrier, requiring more drugs, more autistic) over the last few years (okay, decades) and I'm wondering..... .

Do the sins of the mother really afflict her children?

What sins have I committed..... that I will have to raise?

I'm - TERRIFIED - of having a wild child. A special needs child. A child that is autistic. A child with Downs Syndrome. And - I know that I'm doing everything 'right'.....

But I'm still fully aware that things can go wrong.

And I'm still totally into the - safety and healthiness and beauty of birth/pregnancy..... but I'm still scared.

Is that aiight?

Or - am I just being a controlfreak of a wuss?

Well.....random burblings after too much wine....

Because see, what it really all boils down to - at least at the start - is what you can get from the other person. That really determines a persons 'friend' worthiness at the start - unless some sort of magic happens.
What am I worth to others? Really not much. I'm occasionally funny, intermittently witty, and sometimes useful - but otherwise - eh, not so much. It takes years for me to become really - vital to someone.
I'm a slow friend - like a slow wine, delightful once I age - but it just takes SO damn long. I often wish I could make myself move faster - but.... that's not me.
I'm still trying to process our housewarming. It was fun - it was.
The turnout was sad (no other word for it) and the people who didn't show up shocked me more than the ones who did. littleone (who I haven't talked about in YEARS) came - and it was wonderful. We sat & reminisced, and I cant' wait to see him again tomorrow. I miss having those sorts of friends - the ones who will fly 1000 miles just to show up at a party of yours. *sigh*
Money helps, as always, but I haven't made those sort of friends since high school. I have to continue to mantra to myself - it's not you, it's them.
But then - it's rather along the lines of dating - if all of your life, you've dated fuckups, then it's NOT them, it's YOU, because YOU are the one constant within all of those relationships.
So, if all of my life, I've never had real friends/real friendships - ones that I can talk to, ones that I can tell my heart to, ones that will come over my house for free food and liquor and fun - maybe.....just maybe, it's NOT them - and it IS me.
But - if it is me, I don't know why. I don't know, I have no clue, what I do - or don't do - to develop the connections that I want to. I've always dreamed of having a large gathering of friends - a house full of people who would talk and laugh and love and be - INTERESTING.
I've always DESIRED a network - a true tribe of people. People who would show up at the hospital when I broke my leg and sign my cast. People who would help me paint my walls. People who I could call and ask if I could borrow their truck to pick up an amazing deal from the thrift store - and they would want me to pick up a matching item for them.
Instead, I seem to have collected a gathering of people who..... Gah. I don't know.
I started my period today (thank god, because I was TERRIFED that I was pregnant (six months too soon) and my back HURTED!!) so maybe that's why I am taking it so - personally. But at the same time, I'm not. I'm - resigned. Relieved it's over. Sad that it wasn't what I wanted it to be. Pleased that it went as well as it did. Reluctant to EVER have another party again.
It's just.... meh. But sweet mother of GODs - I'm SOOOOOO glad that it's over. *evil grin* Now, I can start to focus on the Sacred Women's Healing Circle, and tear apart the kitchen. Mwwwaaahhhahahahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh* It's one am, and I'm going to bed. G'night.

9/10/06 (that's just barely today)

This is the fourth time today that I've clicked on 'write' when I meant to click on 'notes'. I guess that is the universe's snarky ass way of telling me that if I want notes, I need to bloody write something, eh?

Be warned - this entry has more parenthetical comments than - than - heavens, I don't know what, therefore it might be an adventure to read. 

Let's see.

Went to Atlanta Labor Day weekend - brought much Indian (dot, not feather) (I've yet to determine in my head if that's unbearly rude/unPC, or what - but ANYONE you are talking to instantly understands. *sigh*)  goodness. Chutney's upon chutneys (and really, If I had just continued to the next sentence without that interjection, the type of Indian would have become obvious. And really, I usually refer to them as Native Americans, so maybe it IS a little snarky) (dammit, I'm still not sure if it's rude), some stuff for hair, two saris (both of the absolute cheapeast kind there was - I still think I'm too fat to look graceful in a standard 6yd sari, so I got the cheapest so I wouldn't kick myself later for wasting money), and some GORGEOUS bangles, that I love.  One of my friends mentioned that in India, it's considered highly erotic for a hubby to recognize his wife's approach from the sound of her jewelry, and I've been wearing them almost every day since.

 

I held a little pysch session with myself as I was cleaning the kitchen tonight (I've been very quiet because I've been talking to myself A LOT - I mean, yes, I normally talk to myself almost constantly, but over the past week - I've been having just running ongoing conversations with myself.  I've learned a few things (you really DO have to listen to yourself sometimes), I got an odd stomach virus/illness/squickiness thing on Wednesday, my boss MILDLY pissed me off when I went back to work on Friday..... hold up - this deserves it's own paragraph.

So - a while ago (at least two weeks) I put in my vacation request - I wanted Sept 5th - 7th off. Now, the 7th was Thursday, and I think that most people would interpet that request to mean that I was coming back Friday. Just to be on the safe side though, I put on the vacation calendar that I would be out Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday (since Monday was a holiday and all) which means, once again, I wouldn't be back to work until FRIDAY, right?
So, I'm happy and stuff, back at work, and notice that my boss is acting all - stifflike. None of the usual asking about how my trip was (and he mentioned, before I left, that I was going with the henna ladies - so he DOES pay attention) - hell, he barely said Hi. I thought it was odd, but more or less brushed it off. Then! THEN!! I get this email:
K, In the future, would you please give me a call if your plans change. We were expecting you back on Wed, and were all a bit worried. Thanks, J.
I promptly replied with:
J, Very sorry for the confusion - but I requested the 5th through the 7th off, and indicated the same on the vacation calendar. Thanks, K.
*sigh* Now, this is where it gets into my personal perception. I took that email as a very slick way of saying - Ay! You took TWO extra days off! We needed/wanted/had a question for you, and you didn't TELL us you would be here - because really, don't nobody I work with CARE enough about me to worry - so, it seemed ODD that despite ALL the indications to the contrary (did I mention that on my LotusNotes, I SET my Out-of-Office agent to say that I would be out of the office til Friday? And I marked the same thing out on my personal Lotus Notes calendar?) he THOUGHT I would be coming back  Wednesday - and it was stuck in his mind so firmly that he sent me a snarky ass little message about it!!!
*sigh* And no, I didn't get any sort of 'Oh, my bad, yeah, you right' message back either, which would make this a moot point. *sigh* I don't know - after the whole SUCKY ass reveiw I got this year, I don't trust ANYONE that I work with to not try to stab me in the back anytime I'm not in the office. Thank god I don't give enough of a shit to let it ruin any vacation I opt to take.

(sheesh, that whole paragraph could have been in parentheses, couldn't it have been?)

Anyhow! I was talking about me talking to myself (how much of a delightfully self centered entry has THIS been huh?) and a LOT of it has focused on life 'after'. Hah. Even when I'm not obsessing about something (like I haven't used my spithingy in - hell, a week? yet, I'm pretty certain my period is about to start - if it doesn't start my Tuesday *hangs head* I"m getting a damn test. I had a lil blood today, and if I don't start - sweet jesu. *LOL* wouldn't that be - interesting??) I'm still analzying it somehow. I think that I've settled a few things in my head - but, hah - it's going to be interesting.

I have henna in my hair right now, and it's mixed with honey, and it's been dripping like hell, and therefore my neck has been STICKY since like 1pm, and it sucks. Sucks. SUCKS.  Since it is now 1am, which means this stuff has been on my head for at lest 12 hours, I'm going to take a shower in the nice clean bathroom and rinse it out. Then, I think I'll finally eat.

Goodnight. And if you actually READ all that rambling, Gods Bless You. Just leave a note, kay?

 

Retreat, retreat!

I sit here, and I feel - squished. Narrowly confined and contained in a box of my own making, and the frustration bubbles up in me until I throw myself into empty mindless activities because thinking about it just makes me feel worse. I've never been much of the type to be an ostrich, but I can certainly understand the lure.  Awareness isn't always that comfy place of peace and Nirvana and light - sometimes, being aware is really rather uncomfortable.  

I'm - afraid to think lately. I'm afraid to explore, to read, to study, because I'm not sure that I'm ready to explore. I'm - I'm not sure that I have the time/heart/energy in me to fully explore, to fully discover, and to fully use what I learn.  I'm vaguely terrified of obtaining something that I don't know what to DO with - I'd much rather wait until I do know what to do with it, THEN obtain it.  I'm a big wuss, in other words.

I'm babbling, I know, really - this is just me thinking outloud on the page because I'm having a hard time focusing on the spreadsheet I'm supposed to  be working on, when my mind keeps wondering if my Ma'at statue on my desk is staring at me.  

*sigh* I (rather foolishly, I suspect) joined a 'coven' (online) in Memphis, and there is supposed to be a group meeting tomorrow. I'm going in with an open mind - really, I am - but... *sighs* let's just say that I don't expect much AT ALL.  I don't mind - not at all - working with those who don't follow my path - considering I don't yet fully understand it, that seems only reasonable and fair. At the same time...... Hm. I don't know.  Do all covens have rules & restrictions, Bylaws & Guidelines?  Maybe that's it - anytime I see a buncha rules, I suspect that they were made because the people in power felt a need to control something - and the only way they could was to put together Thou Shalts and Thou Shalt Nots - and - I don't think that such a thing is - appropiate - in an informal coven that is open to people of any Pagan/Wiccan path.  *titls head* Ah, I know what really chapped me bum - the expectation that everyone would follow the Witches Rede. Um, hello, not the Witch!  

But, I didn't discover this stuff til AFTER I joined the online group, and in the spirit of a fair shake, I'm going to go to the meeting.  If it's just me & the Coven founder - who has a very ballsy Craftname, if I do say so myself (and if she isn't a crone..... I might not even stay through the whole thing). Who knows? I may have already met someone through the group, so - it's not all bad, I suppose.  It's just - worrying.  And how, exactly, do you have a coven meeting in a bookstore? Hmm? *sigh* 

I'm trying, really I am, to not be a grumpy assed old woman.  But - damn, let's jsut say it's a hard road to tread. Sometimes, heads simply SHOULD be bitten off.  

*snap!* 

Perhaps I need to sit and chat with Sekhmet for a while - she knows all about the desire to nibble at heads.  *sigh*

Bugger, but I'm moody.

Broody, moody, grumpy, introspective.

That's me. I haven't been writing much (anywhere) unless it's superficial stuff. I have good days at work, and good days at home, but the good days at home make the majority of the days at work so much more - futile feeling.

And usually, when I'm feeling rather pointless, I don't write. How - interesting. When I was younger, the only time I COULD write was while I was neckdeep in some sort of teenage angst - now..... just nothing.

Maybe it's because I KNOW it's all a matter of timing, and really, I'm just being impatient/inefficient/lazy, and I refuse to bitch about things that I can change - but aren't.

I slept like CRAP over the weekend too, which I'm sure adds to it. I simply could NOT get comfortable - and actually it was just Saturday and Sunday night. Both Thursday and Friday night I slept - normally. Saturday night, I might not have gotten a full HOUR straight of sleep. I would start to fall asleep, then try to get comfy, then drift off, then wake up 40 minutes later, then take another 30 minutes to go back to sleep, then repeat, and repeat, and repeat. I gave up, and got up around 7am, simply because it was so FRUSTRATING trying to get comfy.  Was awake all day - finally drifted off (after a sinfully good meal) on the couch, was sleep for about 2.5 hours (now THAT was lovely) and then spent another 3 hours trying to get sleepy enough to GO to sleep (I woke up around 9:30 or so). I didn't WANT to go to bed, as I was scared that it would be like the night before.  I drank some water, went potty twice, curled up under my good blankie, and it still took me about 45 minutes to go to sleep, I woke up twice to go potty and nce when C came to bed, and that was about it. I still slept WAY too lightly, and I'm grumpy/irked/tired now. *glares* *sighs* And my leg STILL hurts. It's like I don't get the usual menstrual cramps, my thighs just ache. It's not PAINFUL, it's jsut bloody damn uncomfy. *squirms & sighs*

Well, at least it's Monday. It seems - wrong somehow, to inflict this sort of sourpussedness on any day of the week besides Monday.

*sigh* I suppose I should eat some lunch - if I want to lose weight that is. And can I tell you how personally tearjerkingly frustrating it is to be aware that I have to do what I've trained myself not to do (eat, that is - frequently - no ED over here - I don't think) in order to lose weight??!?!? All these YEARS of eating the tiniest bit possbile - and come to find out I've been sabatoging myself. It's bloody irksome, is what it is.

To further creep myself out....

Continuing the whole 'creeping myself out' process - here's another interesting tidbit around 2012 - I acutally read through the article and checked out some links - and this one about John Titor seemed - well, creepy. Basically (the short version) he was a dude who posted on the net in 2000/2001, claiming to be from 2036, andsaid he was 'returned' in order to jack some old school computer that was needed to decode some legacy *ROFLOL* programs.

Not saying I BELIEVE in any of this - but, hell - it's odd, ya know? Here are some of his statements about the next couple of years.

• A Second American Civil War from 2004-2008, during which civil liberties would be surrendered under the guise of National security. (I think this is the creepiest prediction of em all - we've still got another TWO YEARS to go)
• An event similar to the "parting of the Red Sea" will occur in 2012.
• Third World War in 2015, a gradual global escalation that was ended by Russia bombing American, European and Chinese cities.
  • John suggests "avoiding Washington DC" at approximately 3:45am, March 12, 2015.
  • Sometime before this point (referred to as "N-Day") China forcefully annexes Japan, Korea and Taiwan.
  • Chemical and Biological weapons are used, and some "non-lethal" weapons turned out to be quite lethal.
  • Australia successfully repels a Chinese invasion.
  • The war kills over 3 billion people.
• Post-war
  • Communities of survivors gathered and grew around libraries and universities.
  • The United States split into five regions based on various factors and differing military objectives.
  • The US Constitution was changed by a Constitutional Congress.
  • A President is elected for each of the five major areas of the US.
  • The powers of the union government are more defined and reside at the county and state level.
  • The Vice President is elected separately.
  • The US Capital is in Omaha, Nebraska.
• Life in 2036:
• Society
  • Military service plays a large part in day-to-day life.
  • Federally subsidized welfare is gone.
  • Capital Punishment is still implemented.
  • Communities have returned to a family/community centred state, advised by elders.
  • Politics is no longer dual-party, with over 10 major political parties.
  • Texas is Hispanized.
  • International travel is rare and infrequent.
• Religion and Beliefs
  • Religion is far more personal and plays a major part in day-to-day life.
  • There are no large centralized religions.
  • The Ten Commandments have been restored to the "10" that God gave Moses.
  • Sabbatarianism, or worship on Saturday is a common practice.
• Technology
  • Wireless internet is ubiquitous.
  • Television and Telephony are delivered via the Web.
  • Books and other hard media are now distributed online and printed from local hubs.
  • Napster distributes music, but Microsoft and Yahoo no longer exist.
  • Digital Cameras are the norm, film is used only by artists.
  • Power is not distributed over long distances. Alternate forms of generation are common, the most prevalent being solar.
• Environment
  • The environment is heavily affected by radiation. The lack of potable water is the biggest enviromental issue.
  • Global Warming has had little effect. Temperature is about the same although there were anomalies after the war.
  • The ice-caps are still melting at a constant rate.
  • Fresh water is hard to come by, thus supply is controlled.
• Health
• The birth rate is much lower, due to a high number of birth defects and stillbirths.
• Mad Cow, or vCJD in humans, is a devastating public health problem.
• Cures for AIDS and Cancer have not been found. Viral therapy is used for Cancer.

Interesting, isn't it?? I'm not sure what's worse - that none of this stuff would really SUPRISE me if it happened, or the fact that he said it would happen.

Superstitious?

It's interesting. I don't consider myself superstitious, so to speak - but I do believe that there is something/someone's else all out there. I do believe that the ancients may have known things that we've forgotten, and I do believe in race memory. Ask me to prove any of those things, and it's like - phhhft. But - they FEEL right to me, and considering the deeply, throughly anally logical creature that I am, that's rather - important.

Anyhow! The reason I bring this up, is just to give myself a little shiver. Not sure how many of ya'll know this, but I do believe that the world as we know it is winding down to a lovely big ole booming end. From economics, to energy, to war, to disease, to debt, to climate, to water, to oil - it's all going - haywire. Loopy, and looping in a distinctly downhill direction. I don't think that there are many people who would disagree with that list - but I think that MOST people believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that light is a train. Hey, I'm a pessimist! What can I say?

So! I was wandering about online, looking for something to catch my interest, and stumbled across the whole 2012 thingy.  Now, I've always had a good deal of respect for the Mayans - they were some bloody well advanced people, blood sacrifices none the less. And really, what is war but a blood sacrifice to the twin gods of Money and Power? Humph, at least they kept the shit meaningful and personal.  So, anyhow, was checking that out. I've already made it a personal goal of mine to be as well set up on the homestead by 2012 - with animals and gardens and the like. I also want to be able to shoot well by then - I don't LIKE guns in the least, but they can be some damn useful things. At the very least, I want a good crossbow. Largely because a) I think that shit is going to cost - ungodly amounts of money, and as I plan on being WELL into frentic babymaking by then so I'm going to have to contribute to the house in SOME shape or form, and because b) mofo's are rude and shady as hell now, what's it going to be like once things REALLLY get hard and there is a woman, with kids, whose husband is at work, and who appears to be kinda prosperous?? I WILL shoot a mofo.

Then, there is a personal - superstition, that I have. Friday the 13th is usually considered a bad luck day - and my birthday is January 13th. In my own personal twisting of the 'doom and gloom' of Friday the 13th, (as well as based on purely personal historical evidence) I've noticed that any year in which my birthday falls on the 13th is an - well, it's an interesting year. Interestingly enough, in the 29 years I've been around, I've had 5 Friday birthdays - one was my 1st (1978), one was my 7th (1984),  one was my 12th (1989), one was my 18th (1995), one was my 29th (2006), and the next one will be my 35th (2012).  Considering that I have little to no memory of my childhood (everything before 12-13ish is a blur - I can remember some significant incidents, but otherwise *shrugs* - sometimes I think that is why I don't FEEL as old as I am - I don't really HAVE 29 years worth of memories - I really only have 18) the years that I DO remember (which really, only leaves two) were definitely intensely - life chaning and significant to ME.

And, just in general, I think that the birthdays that those years fell on were rather - significant. Let's see - the first birthday, important. 7th birthday, important in a mystical kinda way. 12th birthday - last birthday I was really a 'child', and then -  I mean really - 1995? I went to college, chopped my hair off, got stalked, got laid, lost a BUNCH of fake ass friends, met my father for the first time, came out as bi, *thinks* Shit, what ELSE did I do that year? besides the whole moving 1200 miles away from home, and that general freshman year type stuff.....
And this year - so far it's been - interesting. We got a house (which really, trumps everything else) I'm reclaiming faith, losing weight, making LOADS of friends, went to my first birth, and, the year is BARELY halfway over. Soo... I think that 2012 will be - interesting. Not sure if that'll be interesting in the GOOD way, or interesting in the Chinese curse kinda way, but definitely - interesting.

So - wasn't REALLY going anywhere with that one - just wanted to write something out to waste some time (only 4pm!! Wahwahwahaaaaaa) and also to record some of the odd thoughts that drift through my head.

Snarky.

Had a WONDERUFL weekend, first off. Spending time in the woods is becoming more and more fun for me - despite the tick I picked off the back of my neck (didn't get bit though). *shudders* Anyhow - had a wonderful weekend, spent WAYYY too much money (I've been a bad, bad girl) and got a lovely bit of a tan.  C pointed out my tans lines as I took my first shower in three days last night.

So - why the snarkiness? It's not work - well, not totally. It's not the fact that I lost a long and rather intricate LJ entry I was working on about my brainsimmers. It's not - the weather (I love it, actually.)

It's a rather low grade frustration - with myself, with other people, with the world as a whole. I know, I KNOW that nothing is ever perfect - but sometimes, I just despair over the future. I despair over people. I wish I could scoop everone up and give them as much love as they needed, and could teach them how to love everyone else, and how to honor themselves and the world and each other and just - be NICE, dammit.

But I can't, and I know I can't, and when I write it out, it almost sounds kinda silly. But - it makes me sad, and frustrated sometimes.

And then, I'm also generally disappointed in myself. I want to lose weight. I've been saying that I want to lose weight and get in better shape and blahblahskippy for - YEARS. And yet, lately, when I've been presented with a plan - with a way to do this, and be safe, and be healthy - this overwhelming FEAR response shows up - which honestly, confuses the living FUCK out of me. Afraid? I'm SCARED to lose weight? What the hell? I know I can do it - I've done it before. I know I can gain it back - hell, that's the easy part. I've wanted to be skinner for - hell, as long as I can remember. So - I mean - what's up with this stomach clenching, sweaty handed fear that hits me? It's not fear of poeple laughing and pointing as the fatgirl slaves away in the gym. It's not a fear of being hungry and deprived (okay, maybe a little deprived) and grumpy. It's not a fear of anything that I think of offa the top of my head. It's just a frozen feeling of - I dare not. It feels like losing weight is - dangerous, almost. 

I'm not sure if it's my usual reaction to any major change in my life - but it feels like more than that. I'm giving myself until the end of the month to get used to the fear (and to figure out some actual realities of the situation) before I start my new plan. I've been trimming down my calories, and have lost nearly 6 pounds in the last three weeks - but I'm eating soooo unhealthily.

So, I'm snarky because I'm not behaving properly, and I'm just pushing that onto the rest of the world and saying THEY aren't behaving properly. Humph. I should be better than that. I've had to be careful of my notes and comments, otherwise I know this snidely superior snarkiness is going to raise it's ugly head and say things that otherwise wouldn't be said.

Maybe I just need a nap.

 

I think my brain's going on strike....

I don't deal with shakeups well - too much stuff in the air makes me frantic, and tired. Therefore, I think that my brain wants to go on strike (jsut for a little while) to ignore all of the stuff that needs to be done (at some point in time) and decisions that need to be made (but won't be made right now).

Anyhow - I know all ya'll really want are pictures, right??

Well...

Dammit.

Photobucket is still blocked by the netnanny, so ya'll will have to wait til tonight, once I get home.

We've got a fridge though, so grocery shopping might need to be done first. Bleh.