WOD1 - Bourgeois

I never really minded being called bougie. In fact, I think of it as a compliment. In my mind, being bougie means being cultured. Being classy. Being graceful. Having aspirations of doing big things with your life that don't involve selling yourself, whether implicitly or explicitly.
Of course, bougie also has the connotations of being stuck up, of thinking that you are better than others, of being 'too good'.

And what if that is the case? What if I am better than you when it comes to XYZ - as long as there is still enough humility in my heart to know that I am not perfect, then the fact that I am, indeed, better than you in various areas is just a statement of fact.
Who are these people who don't want to be better? Who are these people that believe there is a ceiling to 'good', and trying to break through that ceiling means that you are abandoning your 'people' and trying to escape where you came from. Sometimes, you come from shit, and there is no shame in trying to escape. The shame is in wallowing in it joyfully, and believing that it's the best available.

bougie
highclass highyellow think you are so
high and mighty
bougie, bitch.
sat down somewhere
and be low
be slow
be happy with what you got
unless you want to be
like them.
bougie.

Since I was a young girl, I've always wanted to be classy. The sort of smooth graceful class that never seems to trip, never makes a misstep, is comfortable in any environment with any class of people. I wanted to be gracious, graceful, elegant.

In some ways, I'm sure it was overcompensation for the ignorant, clumsy, overweight, poor, occasionally obtuse child that I was - we always want what we aren't. It was inspired by the books I read that showed people living seemingly fault-free lives outside of the drama required to keep the book moving. The heroine, even if she started out as a clumsy oaf, would end the book polished, poised, and graceful.

A lot of grace was taught to me at a young age. How to walk, smoothly and gracefully via a dictionary on the head. How to speak, clearly and crisply, so that my words weren't mushed or mumbled. How to move - smoothly and swiftly and gracefully through crowds. Most of this was taught to me in an effort to make me a better wife/domestic/serving girl, but that's neither here nor there.

As I got older, though, and started interacting with largely AA young adults, I was tarred with the 'bougie' brush. I was accused of acting white. I resented the implications that without flaunting your value, you were perceived to have no value. Classiness doesn't flaunt, it just is. It doesn't have to flaunt, to pose, to posture to prove it's worth.

Festival Of Souls 2007

Where to start? Choices, choices, always choices. Wise or foolish, you cannot tell until the choice is made, when the choices dance in the greylands.


Choice - to pay full price, even though I had registered as work trade - it felt good. I need to find the appropiate word for mitzvah that comes from my trad., as that is what it was. It was hard work (oh, my back and my ass were KILLING me - so much more respect I have for what C does day in and day out!), but it was fun, it wasn't cleaning bathrooms, and it wasn't a constant thing..... in other words I had plenty of time to fellowship. Since I'm not THAT active in the community - I should be more active, but I have to say I like my house more than I like SG, it was a good time for me to be visible, and busy. I got quite a few thanks and accolades for the work I did, and it seemed to be a good time to step up, since I was graduating from First Realm.
Community - it lies on the back of those who build, and in the hands of those who live.



Choice - to be persistant, and continue shopping until I laid hands on the stone that I knew was there. There was a stoneswoman there named Dick, and she had a HUGE number of gorgeous and cheap stones - just - stuff that would make your jaw drop. I came across my first - vibratory stone there. I was rummaging amoungst her selections, and this stone sprung out at me - it was a dark rich black color, with little flecks on it that reminded me of the night sky.
Mind you, the night before I had coo'ed over the fact that I could actually see the seven sisters (well, only six of them, but I can NEVER see baby sister for some reason) and so I scooped the stone right up. It started throbbing in my hand. At first, I thought I had too many stones in that hand, and switched out. Still throbbing. Then, I held it in my hand loosely, thinking that it was the tightness of the hand hold that was causing the throbbing. No, no, the rock was DEFINITELY throbbing in my hand. I go to Dick and ask her what the stone is - a garnet. My birth stone. And it clicked - and of course, I go it.

Later on, I'm telling this tale to Joy the Bard, and when she went to her room to change, she returned with a wee gift for me - it was a rose quartz ball (another of my birth stones, according to some) and when she handed it to me, I nearly dropped it in shock - my whole hand/arm tingled, instantly, like a small electric shock had hit it. I dropped it into the traveling altar I had won, and clung to the stone and the bag for the rest of the very long night.

I haven't touched either stone since I got back.... I'm debating in my head (very quietly) my altar setup.

Choice - attending the Mysteries, or staying in the room and kikiki'ng. I was mildly irked with one of my roommates (gah, that's a whole nother post) and I wanted to attend at least one Wyrd Sister workshop.

Firstly, it was possibly the first meditation/guided journey I actually got something out of - firstly, the shock of recognication of the garden, and the stone chair, and the stream. Secondly, the deep anscetress who showed up looked REMARKLY like Lady Kiya (whose picture I didn't stumble across until AFTER FOS) and she told me two things.
1) Be Love
2) Trust You
Yeah, possibly two of the biggest platitudes, EVER, but she was right serious about them. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be the 1st cornithians love, or the hippydippy 70's love & peace man, but it's been running through my head since then. The trust bit she only said after I bugged her about the whole 'Be Love' bit. Hurmph.
I've done the meditation on my own a couple of times, but I never seem to be able to make it either up the steps in the Sacred Tree, or I get distracted by the chambers in the Mound - I want to know what's in them....

Choice - to sit out Guedra. For one, I was colder than - oh wow, I don't think I've been that cold in a while. For two, I was irked - I was filled with a sense of service, and it was a return to reality (on the last night of FOS) that not everyone fills the same - duty - towards others. And ya know, it's not like I'm the most dutiful person either - but, when one has a role, one fulfills that role, dammit. And not half-assedly, either. *sigh* *pulls plank out of my eye*
But it was good - sitting by the fire, listening to people talk, staring at the sky and seeing so MANY shooting stars (I never realized they left trails before) humming along to the chants. In addition, guedra was 'wrapped' up by a complaint from off the field, and I most likely wouldn't have gotten a chance to dance - and it worked, well. I don't know how many more guedras I will participate in..... hrm, I'll have to mull over that later.

It's always so hard to come back from a festival and actually write about it - so much of what happens is magical and of the moment and is built on the moments before and can't be clearly shared after the fact - but I always try, to at least note a little something down, so that I can at least solidify the memory for myself. High points, low points, the smell of cloves and campfire in the morning.

So.... went to the Coven Meeting (by the way, her craft name is Hecate - which to me, is a pretty ballsy name to take on - in my mind, that's along the lines of having the craft name Kali.........) 

*sighs* 
The good: Interesting meeting, two great women there, had a wonderful, wonderfully wandering conversation - I introduced them to the concept of chop wood/carry water pagans (thanks madrun !!!) and bascially bounced all sorts of things around. It was a GREAT conversation - definitely made at least one new friend.

The unexpected: The other two women there - were black! *jaw drops* Not only were they black, they also know of several OTHER black Kemetics (I suspect they are of the nationalistic variety, but beggars no choosers) - and as we hit it off WONDERFULLY - I might have found the link to another paganistic community in Memphis. 


The bad: *siiiiiiggghhh* I plan on going to another meeting (and those intentions get weaker and weaker every day)  - but - in and of itself - I doubt that I'm going to be participating, and I feel rather - badly about it, simply because Samantha (I can't call her by her craft name - it just doesn't FEEL right) seemed so - *thinks* despondent? sad? abandoned? lonely?
Firstly, of course, there was the whole 'coven meeting in a BOOKSTORE' thing. Then, there was the fact that despite she knew that the people coming would all be new (three people showed up, me, and the abovementioned two black women) she didn't have anything  - at all - to say. Then, there was the fact that out of a group of about 25 people (at least that's how many people are in her online group) - NONE of them but her showed up.  And if us newbies hadn't been there - she would have been sitting in the bookstore all by herself. 
It was like - it wasn't a meeting, it was a - a - I don't know - a chance to sit in the bookstore? If we (the three newbies) didn't get along (and provide 90% of the conversation), the four of us would have been sitting around the table in silence.  She talked twice - once about her cats, and once about how after she brought 200 dollars worth of food for a coven meeting, no one showed up. *erm?*  Is that really the sort of face you want to put on your group? Sheeee.......
And then, of course, there was Samantha herself.  I tend to judge a group (rightly or wrongly) by the leader - especially small, intimate groups like this one. She was......................I don't know quite how to describe it. Weak, isn't quite the right word. Ah! She had a very small personality.  Not small as in petty or mean, but small, as in mouselike and withdrawn.  Now, I know that not everyone is the bubbly outgoing type - but - at a meeting - for three new women who indicated some interest in your group - wouldn't you have SOMETHING to say about the group? About how it works? About what ya'll do? About - anything???  
And we - all three of us, at one point or another - asked her if she wanted to, ya know, kick the meeting off - and each time, we just got a little shrug, and a 'It's fine'.  *raised eyebrow*  




Overall, I'm glad I went.  I met some great people, I actually displayed the intestinal fortitude to be in a BOOKstore and not even browse (largely because I knew that if I browsed, I would end up buying. And it was a full price bookstore - and I haven't spent full price on books in.......well, it's been a LONG time).  
But, I definitely haven't found - at least not in the The Sisters of the Triple Goddess coven (wow, just realized the name - I wonder if that's why she picked Hecate? Tsk - if I go next Wednesday, I'll be sure to ask her) the group that I want to jump into and work with.  

Doors and windows, doors and windows. 

Retreat, retreat!

I sit here, and I feel - squished. Narrowly confined and contained in a box of my own making, and the frustration bubbles up in me until I throw myself into empty mindless activities because thinking about it just makes me feel worse. I've never been much of the type to be an ostrich, but I can certainly understand the lure.  Awareness isn't always that comfy place of peace and Nirvana and light - sometimes, being aware is really rather uncomfortable.  

I'm - afraid to think lately. I'm afraid to explore, to read, to study, because I'm not sure that I'm ready to explore. I'm - I'm not sure that I have the time/heart/energy in me to fully explore, to fully discover, and to fully use what I learn.  I'm vaguely terrified of obtaining something that I don't know what to DO with - I'd much rather wait until I do know what to do with it, THEN obtain it.  I'm a big wuss, in other words.

I'm babbling, I know, really - this is just me thinking outloud on the page because I'm having a hard time focusing on the spreadsheet I'm supposed to  be working on, when my mind keeps wondering if my Ma'at statue on my desk is staring at me.  

*sigh* I (rather foolishly, I suspect) joined a 'coven' (online) in Memphis, and there is supposed to be a group meeting tomorrow. I'm going in with an open mind - really, I am - but... *sighs* let's just say that I don't expect much AT ALL.  I don't mind - not at all - working with those who don't follow my path - considering I don't yet fully understand it, that seems only reasonable and fair. At the same time...... Hm. I don't know.  Do all covens have rules & restrictions, Bylaws & Guidelines?  Maybe that's it - anytime I see a buncha rules, I suspect that they were made because the people in power felt a need to control something - and the only way they could was to put together Thou Shalts and Thou Shalt Nots - and - I don't think that such a thing is - appropiate - in an informal coven that is open to people of any Pagan/Wiccan path.  *titls head* Ah, I know what really chapped me bum - the expectation that everyone would follow the Witches Rede. Um, hello, not the Witch!  

But, I didn't discover this stuff til AFTER I joined the online group, and in the spirit of a fair shake, I'm going to go to the meeting.  If it's just me & the Coven founder - who has a very ballsy Craftname, if I do say so myself (and if she isn't a crone..... I might not even stay through the whole thing). Who knows? I may have already met someone through the group, so - it's not all bad, I suppose.  It's just - worrying.  And how, exactly, do you have a coven meeting in a bookstore? Hmm? *sigh* 

I'm trying, really I am, to not be a grumpy assed old woman.  But - damn, let's jsut say it's a hard road to tread. Sometimes, heads simply SHOULD be bitten off.  

*snap!* 

Perhaps I need to sit and chat with Sekhmet for a while - she knows all about the desire to nibble at heads.  *sigh*

Faith, community, Ma'at....

 I love reading to learn new things - even if what I am reading doesn't OBVIOUSLY connect (or is patently false) it gives me another - way of looking at whatever I'm studying.  I usually let the information simmer in the back of my head for a while, and then something will happen that will bring everything together in a relatively cohesive whole. Last weekend at many_rivers Midsummer ritual was one of those times. 


One of the things that clicked for me, is how a strong  - and HEALTHY  - community is built and nourished - is based largely on responsibilty. Being responsible for yourself, for your actions, your words, your deeds, your children - as well as being aware that you are responsibile to the other members of the community. Each time someone in the community shirks a task - whether it is their 'responsibility' or not - it makes the community weaker. Anytime someone assumes that they don't need to do something, because someone else will get it  done, - it weakens the community just a tiny bit - and eventually the community/society/group will die. The reason that the Egyptian society endured for the thousands of years that it did was because everyone was aware of their responsibilites to both their fellow man and the 'state' (in the form of the Pharoah and the Netjer), and they were aware of the eternal reprecussions of failing in their responsibilities.

Even as one thing was pulled out of the brainpot, another was added.  Hanging out with other recons is so cool, as we started talking abot whether it's actually possible to practice a faith that is deeply intertwined with a ancient culture - without actually living in the past.  Honestly, I'm still not sure. I know that I can uphold Ma'at - and without breaking any laws in the Culture that I currently live in.  But - Ma'at - is, at it root, about maintaining a strong community - it's about insuring that which is 'right' prospers, and that which is wrong fails.  I can't impose that sort of - control - over the wider society that I interact with - but I can hold myself up to it. 

I'm still reading 'The Mind Of Egypt' and I also scored two other very interesting looking books about Egypt.  I'm - still very shy about actually doing rituals - I don't feel like I understand the meaning behind them  - the spirit behind them, and I -  to do a thing of Spirit by rote seems - hypocritical.  Yet, at the same time, I'm wondering if I will ever feel that - rush - of touching (or being touched by) the Netjer. I am relying more on my FEELINGS in this process than I ever have before, and honestly, it's - scary, yet freeing. I'm forced to be not only deeply in touch with my inner guts, but also forced to be HONEST about what I'm feeling.  And right now, my feelings are saying that I'm not READY for ritual - that I haven't read/experienced the event that will - make ritual meaningful. *sigh* 

Ahh... this whole thing made ever so much more sense earlier this week when it was fresh in my head.  I still know what I need to be writing, but it's not expressing itself nearly as gracefully this time. I think it's blended in with the rest of the brainsoup a little too well. 

So - I think I have enough brainpower now to talk about DotM.... where to start??

I was invited initially by two women that I know in Memphis, but once madrun said that she was going to DotM, I knew that I had to go.

So, I packed, prepped, and was heading out to the park by 6:30pm on Friday.

Honestly, I didn't have manypreconcieved concepts of what it would be like. I figured there would be talk of men, and sex, and babies, and birth (the conversations that no matter what ELSE is going on, manage to come up when a group of straight/bi women get together) and I knew there would be some rituals (because they told us to bring robes) but - I really wasn't sure what would be happening. Being the blooming Kemetic that I am, and knowing that most of these women were most likely Eclectic Wiccans, I wasn't sure how - smoothly I would be able to fit into things.  And then, considering my general ignorance of the path that I have choosen, I was - bashful, going in, to say the least. 

I get there, and literally, within minutes, my bashfullness is dispelled. The one thing that bugged me at the start, and bugged me all weekened, is that I have - I honestly don't really have a good feel for a lot of interpersonal interactions. I tend to go off and do my own thing - and I don't know if people read that as snobbish and standoffish, or if they view it as downright rude - and usually, that's the sort of question that if you ask, you'll get the same answer no matter HOW they feel. So - large groups of people - I tend to either connect myself with one group (and then feel guilty when I leave that group to particpate in other things) or I drift on the outskirts of everything. Anyhow - that niggling concern tagged along with me all weekend, but in general, I tried to ignore it  and think that I was in a group of adult women, and hopefully, if anyone had concerns about my actions, they would speak on them.

Anyhow!! The festival itself. It started out with the opening cermony, and I was reminded once again that my 'twang' is music/sound. I used to say that dancing in a club was the closest I could ever get to God - simply because dancing is really the only time my spirit is TOTALLY free  - and I can actually lose myself in music.  So - the opening ceremony consisted of us singing the DotM Theme Song, and exchanging our greeting gifts. I got this cool little change purse, and a rather - interesting - jack o' latern candle.

Afterwards - gah, I don't think there was anything really 'planned' for the rest of the night. I got myself throughly distracted repeatedly by getting into different conversations, and meeting people - it was REALLY fun to meet everyone.  Around 10, I got worried about the Nashvillians, and called them to find that they were in the wilds of MS somewhere - the reception in the park was horrid though, so we got disconnected quickly.

Gah...... what next?? More talking, the Nashvillians show up, everyone unpacks, I meet E...... it's interesting really, how the 'unplanned' times just blur into - a medley of cigarettes, laughter and talking.  Ah!! I remember the Bardic Circle, and my closing prayer - as people went around the circle, I thought about which netjer would be most appropiate to honor for the gift of creativity and prose. I was thinking Ptah, but BESIDES not knowing how to pronounce his name, I also wasn't totally sure it was accurate. I finally went with Ma'at, and thanked her for the balance - allowing us to create (the songs, the music, the vibe) while we witnessed destruction (the huge fire that had been consuming wood for most of the circle). It was certainly pulled from the ether, but it felt - RIGHT.

Saturday, I wake up at some ungodly hour (9 or so, I think?) snag a little breakfast, and go to the first workshop.  The theme of the day was Humours, and therefore the first thing that we did was to take a personality profile test and see which humour we were . I was mostly Melancholy,  with a dash of Phelegmatic.  After that, we had lunch, I think..... and after that, the first meditation.

Okay - I have to admit, I have a REALLLLLLLLY hard time with meditations - esp. guided ones. I have a VERY hard time making my brain shut up as it is, and hearing an unfamilliar voice REALLLY doesn't make it easier - esp when they 'walk' fast.  So - for the two 'guided meditations/journeys' (and I couldn't tell the difference between either) I tried to get into it, but between focusing on her words so hard that I didn't 'visualize anything' or visualizing so much that I lost track of her words and went wandering off in the forest, or moving faster than her and having to backtrack when she went a different direction, or making throughly irreverent comments in my head about the descriptions or directions we were being led - well, I honestly don't know that I got much out of them.  They were a definite challenge - I think if I had more time to ground myself, I would have been able to 'lose' myself in the meditation.

After that was naptime - where I TRIED to be nice, and instead screwed things totally up. Gah. I swear I didn't hear her say 'Malboro Lights'! I would have remembered that - I think. It's odd - I was perfectly sober, but even then my brain was doing weird things.

Ummm.... then... the Blood Mysteries workshop I think?? Hey - when it comes to talking about menses with women who don't get squeamish (despite the constant moaning from behind me about how menses was so 'gross and inconvienent and smelly and EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW'  *sighs* ) I can have FUN! So - me and the Nashvillians TOTALLY took that one over - but honestly, I think that without us speaking out, it would have been a much less enjoyable and inspiring workshop.

After that - was another guided mediation - which was if possible, even worse than the first one for me. Some of the thing my brain was tossing out there made me either want to burst into laughter, or made me want to slap MYSELF on the wrist for being so naughty.  *shakes head*  And - if you are guiding on a symbolic journey, I thin kthat I would be able to focus MORE if I knew what the symbols MEANT. So.

Now - after that was the high point (to me) of the whole festival - the guedra (gay-dra). It was a Tureg dance/trance ritual (I've mentioned how dance &  sound 'tweaks' me, right??) and funnily enough, it wasn't even PART of  DotM originially, the Nashvillians were the experienced ones, and taught it to the rest of us.
It was - amazing. I'm generally NOT the biggest  'energy moving/spirit sensing/ open aura' kind of person - but that - it MOVED me.  And after witchatwork (who's LJ I can't get to at work, because it's flagged as porn somehow????) danced/tranced it was - I literally HAD to do. I could feel the energy vibrating up and down my back. I was swaying and sighing and - it felt - scary. Very very scary, yet freeing all at once. It was most likely another HOUR or so before I danced, and by that time, I was so full of 'juice' that I was barely able to greet the four directions before I nearly collapsed onto my knees. I remember feeling the sarong I had put on starting to slip off (and I'm rather modest - totally not the type to go naked in group settings) and I DIDN'T CARE. I finished sooner than I wanted to, honestly - I think the chant changed before I was really ready for it - but it was WONDERFUL.
And the thing that really blew my mind was how I felt AFTERWARDS.  I was EXHAUSTED. I mean - I was so drained, I was limp. I managed to hang out for another hour or so, and then once I lost the beat three times in a row, I had to leave.
I still managed to stay awake until 5am, but - at least that was just talk.  As much as ANY conversation that went on that weekend could be considered 'just' talk. When I went to sleep, I was hoping for dreams of some sort - but instead I just had these - amazing patterns of color that danced behind my eyes until I fell asleep.

Sunday, I woke up, and I was dragging. I mean, my ass was so close to the floor it was damn near a miracle that I was able to walk at all.... Breakfast was to be had, goodbyes to be said, and the closing ritual to be had.
As SOON as the closing rit started, and we started singing, I could literally FEEL the energy rushing out of me and into the ground. It was goosebump provoking. And once it was done - I actually had MORE pep and MORE energy. I guess having excess energy trapped in you is just as drag provoking as plain not having enough energy. Thakfully, I hadn't even started loading the car yet because I couldn't IMAGINE doing it feeling how I felt BEFORE the closing ritual. I loaded the car, said my goodbyes repeatedly, and made my way home.
Overall? I enjoyed the heck out of it. I'm glad that I went to all the rituals, if only for no other reason than I could get a 'feel' for things.  I've been invited to PUF (which is the weekend we close) and Beltaine (which is a weekend or two afterwards) and - I REALLLY want to go to PUF, but I suspect that I won't be able to, and I think that I most likely WILL be able to go to Beltaine, but I'm not sure how much I WANT to.  *sigh* Isn't that life?

So - I'm definitely going to be doing some more reading, and more studying - at the very least, I need to research (in the next week) an at least PARTIALLY authentic Kemetic housecleansing ritual.

Shee.

Bolder and Bolder....

So! I just registered for Daughters Of the Moon - I'm throughly excited and nervous all at once. I - so often, I feel like such a poser in Wiccan circles because I know JUST enough to know that I don't really know anything at all. At the same time, I know that I don't know that much indepth information about wicca because it never felt quite right to me - it's like a Jew knowing the Lords Prayer - I've heard of it, I might know a few lines, but really - it's not my bag babe. So, thus, the nervousness, because I NEVER want people to think I'm a faker - I don't - as I like to say, "I'll never live long enough to fake it". With all that said, I'm STILL going to DotM. I think that - rituals aside - it will be a wonderful time to connect with local heathenish women, and just have a slamming amount of fun in the park. SO - Yay!! Now, I just must find a royal blue robe that I won't feel like a overblown cookie monster in.

Communal Curiousity

I was sitting on the balcony last night, savoring a clove, and I started thinking about how social most people are, and more importantly, the deep urge I have finally given into to be a social person. Then, I began to wonder - is being part of a community an innate human desire? Does everyone feel the need to belong to something that brings them together with other humans, whether it be a church or a school or a workplace? Can anyone ever be totally and completely happy as an isolated entity with no long-term connections of any type to another person or person(s)? I wonder if for some people that is part of the attraction of OD? It's a community that makes you feel as if you are integrated into other peoples lives, and they are integrated into yours - a true sense of virtual community, whether you ever meet anyone from here or not.

Tertiary

So - the main players were: Myself. Paul. Erika. Phil. Luis. Allison. John. Sanjay. We allworked together, and for everyone excpet Paul (who lived there) it was our first time in Geneva. Paul worked at the site, and he was a wee bit of a party animal, so he took it upon himself to take us out and show us a GOOD time on the town.
We started as soon as we got off of work - around 7:00pm. Our first stop was to a lovely outdoor cafe - the drink of the night for the main players was rum & coke (diet coke for me!), and we started out with two or so drinks here. The cafe was in Old Town, so we were surrounded by old buildings, cobblestone streets, and lots of hills. After finishing the drink, we walked down the hill toa little bar/ resturant type place that sold tapas. We cohntinued to drink here - along with a WEE bit of food. After we ate, westayed there and took over a large section of the bar. Yet another thing that I thought was GREAT about Ge. - all the bars had real seating areas - with cushy chairs and couches that simply INVITED you to sit down and to get to know your neighbors - very nice. So - we sat there and ate and chatted until it was dark outside - which would have made it around 9:30pm or so. As we left this place, we walked by a stand that sold a lovely collection of postcards. I promptly snapped up several, figuring that I would not have to find anymore. Our next stop was barely a block away, and it was a basement bar. Once again, there was GREAT seating, and they had REALLY good music. The DJ was spinning mainly american R&B/HipHop tunes, and was mch better than any of the DJ's I've heard here (as in in Indy). We started getting into trouble at this point - when we opted to buy an entire BOTTLE of Bacardi instead of ordering it drink by drink. We finished off the bottle - that would be 1 bottle of rum divided by 8 people - and ALL of us had at LEAST 3 drinks before that. And oh MY - the bartenders do NOT pour light! We started feeling nice and light and loose, and we traisped off to yet another dancebar, but we lost two people - Allison and her husband John. They decided that they were a wee bit too old to keep up with us young lushes. We left them regretfully, and went to the next place - which was down a couple of hills and up a couple of hills and around the corner. It had to be around midnight at this point - maybe a little earlier. So - we get to the next bar and the FIRST thing we do is order yet ANOTHER bottle of Bacardi - now being divided amoung 5 people really as one of us (Erika) doesn't drink much (read at all, but we twisted her arm!) Luis, Paul (who at this point of enibriation was being called Pablo) and Phil all smoked - and me being the substance freak that I am, I HAD to taste one. Okay - why did noone ever tell me that cigs give you a FIERCE brain rush, or is it just me? ONE cigarette, and I felt like I had drank that entire bottle ON MY OWN. So - being wonderfully tipsy, and having ust watched Luis salsa with this cute Italian girl - I decided it was time to boogy my way onto the dance floor. OH. MY. GOD. I wanted to start singing Nelly - I've never been to a club that felt more like a HOT HOT basement party EVER. The fact that we actually WERE in the basement helped - but there felt like there were HUNDREDS of people down there. I danced myself damn near sober :(, and once I took a break, Pablo was ready to move on. We left, and we waited outside for Phil and Luis who were inside macking. I was hot, tired, and semi-sober, so I plopped my tail on the street. Erika, Sanjay & Pablo proceeded to give me the third degree about my dancing style (I get buckwild - I know I'm only dancing, and I let the men know that I'm ONLY DANCING - so what's the harm, eh?) We (being the loud Americans that we are) were being - loud. Apperently we were loud enough that the Swiss Police came to tell us to keep it down as it was 3am(!!!!) and we were surrounded by sleeping people. One of the interesting things about Ge. is that it's not really zoned. Bars are next to (or under) apartments and stores and schools. So - truly, we were in a MOSTLY residential neighborhood that happened to have a fabulous dance club in it. So - the boys finally came out - and we started heading to other bars, trying to find a stylish one that would let us in. Since we thought we were JUST going to bars - two of us had worn sneakers, and that caused a problem dress-code wise. We tried four different places, before one FINALLY had mercy on us and let us in. As we wandered around, I found a stall that was still open that sold PEACE flags. On of the first things I noticed in Ge. was that many of the apartment balconies had rainbow colored flags with either Paix, Peace or Pace on them. I found only ONE - with Pace on it, and promptly brought it. It had to be around 3:30/4am at this point - and MOST of us were still going strong. Luis and Sanjay were both getting worn out - and this last club had these BIG LONG Couches. Naturally - they BOTH went to sleep. In a club. Right NEXT to the dance floor. The poor things were EXHAUSTED. Those of us who were left standing then closed down the club (and half of yet ANOTHER bottle of Bacardi) - by the time we left, they had turned the lights on for us.
We left around 5am, and went to get something to eat. The very thought of food made my rum filled stomach do some very interesting flips, so I opted out. Pablo then suggested that we walked to the lake and wathc the sun rise - which was going to happen in another hour or so. On our way to the lake - poor Luis simply had enough and collapsed (read - passed out) onto the ground. We refused to just LEAVE him there, and when hand tugging and general noise didn't bring him off the ground, we took tougher measures. I straddled his waist and began to tickle him (he's VERY VERY ticklish) and Phil (who happens to be a good friend of the very straight Luis) sat on his FACE! *laughs* That popped him up - and we finished our walk to the lakeside. We sat, ate, chatted, tired to keep Luis awake (me and Pable were really the only ones still going strong) and 'watched' the sun rise. I say 'watched' because it was so dang cloudy, we never really SAW the sun rise, it just got lighter and so we KNEW it had risen. We finally gave up on seeing the sun really well and caught cabs back to the hotel. I walked back into my room at 6:53am. I had woken UP on Friday at 6:30am. I haven't been awake for 24 hours straight in YEARS, and I can never remember feeling quite so good at the end of the 'day'.
At some point during the night - all those lovely postcards vanished. *sigh* I'm going back (YAYYY!!!!) in July, and I will be SURE to get more and actually send them out.
The rest of the week was actually rather dull! We worked, went out to a great Thai place for dinner one night, and managed to close out the hotel bar EVERY night. Those of us who were leaving Friday morning tired to duplicate Firday night on Thursday, but since the Ge. people had to go to work the next day, we ended up back at the hotel at a very decent hour of 12:30am.
I had wisely packed Thursday afternoon before we went to dinner, so when I woke up a mere 15 minutes before the shuttle left for the airport to catch my plane, I was rather calm - tired as HELL - but calm.

I really can't wait to go back. Heh. I'm going to see if me & The Boy can duplicate a night like that here - I'm sure it's doable.

Secondary

I've never truly considered moving out of the US, but having stayed in Geneva for two weeks (though I must admit - had I been there for the G8 riots I MIGHT not be saying this) I could REALLY see myself moving to Switzerland. The city was GOREGOUS - imagine (if you can) NYC - but! spotlessly clean, no-one living under the poverty level, polite, and a disgusting low crime rate. Toss a lovely lake in the middle of the city and surround it by historail buildings, and voila! You've got a good idea of the general atmosphere of Ge.
The flights over were good - we tried to get an upgrade, but the dlight was overbooked, so we settled into coach. Luckily, both me and my coworker are short, so that didn't bother us too much - but the FOOD!! This is my first time taking a really long trip in any level other than first or business, and now I TRULY understand the comments I've always heard about airplane food. *gag*.
After getting settled in, the four of us who were on that flight met some of our other coworkers in the lobby and went out to dinner. Three of them became my hanging buddies - sadly enough I have to wonder if it was because we were the only young people of color there. Eh - there was Luis, Phil, Erika & me. We managed to close down the bat almost EVERY night that we were there - except the first Saturday night (we were busy doing other things) and in general had a really good time. *laugh* I think that I may have made some work/outside work accquaintences - I got the most EXCELLENT compliment of being referred to as a biatch the last night I was there, and that's REALLY saying a lot.
I truly enjoyed 8 out of the 9 days of work that I had there. I think I did more learning and gained a greater understanding of what the hell we are doing in those two weeks than I have in the past 2 YEARS. It's a shame that more people can't go to the AA's... they would learn so much. I like the Swiss work day as well - they come in between 8:30 and 9, take an hour lunch, and leave at 5 - like logical, normal people do when they work for a company that really respects the work/life balance. Our days tended to be longer than their's - we tried to be there by 8, and usually didn't leave until 6:30 - 7pm.
The evenings TOTALLY made up for the long days though. Ge. is about a spit over a hill away from France, and so the food is VERY french. However - the city is SO very cosmopolitian, I saw almost every ethinicity of food represented there was, and had some of the BEST Thai food ever the second week there.
As I was there, I realized something rather interesting - I'm a REALLY social person. I LIKE being out with people, talking, flirting, connecting & all that with new people. It's - FUN. But I still haven't figured out how to generate that same kind of energy without HAVING to be forced together....
The first week, while I wasn't taking notes or listening intensely, I was looking for things to do in the city. I kinew that I would be ableto take Wednesday 'off', and I figured that I should go out and see a little of the city on my own. I figured that I would be out WITH people for mostof the weekend, and I knew there were some places that I wanted to go that they might not have been interested in. I decided to got to the Plain Palais flea market, the Patak Phillpe museum and a Gallery of Contemporary Photography.
The day, I geared myself up, armed with dirctions, adresses, bus schedules, and a little Berlitz book on Switzerland I found in the Indy airport. I LOVE riding public transportation - and love it even more since I know how driving is! I was able to shameslessly gawk or simply withdraw into myself. It's a very nice abdication of responsibility. I made it to all three places - I'm such a touchy feely kinda girl! I was rubbing my hands over EVERYTHING in that flea market - I loved being able (and almost EXPECTED) to handle all the goods. It took me about 3 hours to get through the whole place, but all I left with was a small bag, two saris, 3 pearl bracelets, and a french-english dictionary. About 90% of the people I met spoke passable english - but I thought it would be a useful thing.
The Patek Phillpe museum was STUNNING. The top two floors of the museum were all historical watches - and MAN! If I could find watches like that NOW I would be overjoyed to have a collection. They were all (at least the small ones) more jewelry than watch. And the colors! Oh - the enamel glittered in blues and reds and greens and they wer eaccented by tiny delicate paintings and gold and diamonds. *sigh* SO beautiful. I rushed through the last floor - after seeing THOSE beauties, watch after watch on a plain band were rather dull.
The Gallery was cool - it was a VERY small one with a photographic library upsatirs. They only had two exhibits - one was a series of self portraits - one taken every day ofthe year. The other exhibit was a collection of images of shrines - the impromptu kind that pop up all over the US anywhere someone dies ina car accident or a shooting or something. Both of the exhibits really made me THINK about what I percieve to be art - I really enjoyed both of those exhibits, yet I know that if the idea had come to me to take either of those type of pictures - I would have immeadiately dismissed them as not being artistic enough. After looking at both of those, I went upstairs and browsed in the library - I was deeply regretful that I do not read french, otherwise I would have purchased several of the books there.
It was close to 7 by the time I left there, and I wanted to get back into the hotel in time to catch SOMEONE going out - after all of that time on my own, I was really looking forward to hanging out with people who understand my english. I can't even remember where we went - some resturant (I can only DEFINITELY remember where I went on the first Thursday and the second Wednesday) - and then we closed out the bar AGAIN. What is it about young people in a mixed group, iof you get enough time & alcohol in us we ALWAYS start talking about sex? I refuse to believe that it is just THAT much on our mind! Or maybe it's just ME! *laughs* I truly believe there are some things that you should NEVER know about people you have to work with. But - it was LOADS of fun.

Okay - I'm almost out of characters, and I neeed to go to bed - so I'm going to have to save the outrageous doings of the weekend (during which I lost all my postcards, and tickled a passed-out coworker) for tommorow's writing.

Initial

Wow.... it's been how long (close to a month) since I've written last? And by written, I mean a REAL entry.

For the high level overview: 3 normal planes rides to Geneva, 1 week in Geneva, 1 outrageous weekend in Geneva, my first cigarette, 1 more week in Geneva, 3 normal plane rides home, 1 weekend of grilling, 1 week of my 'real' job, 1 wedding worthy weekend, 1 mad spate of redecorating, 1 dress purchased, several fabulous days with the light of my life, 1 purchase of a membership, 1 wonderful thrift store trip, several more random barbequing episodes, the Witches Meeting, my first visit to an Irish Pub...and I THINK that's about it.

Now - we all know the devil is in the details. I'm working on a pictoral tour of my trip (including the COOLEST toilet I've EVER seen), but I'm dragging my feet about resizing the hundred odd pictures I have ONE by ONE so that I can put them on a webpage that loads before the next day. Until I finish that - I should write down the trip (though I doubt I'll ever forget it) shall insure that I don't miss too much. I took several travelouge style notes, and took some memory jolting pictures.

So - lets follow A'ishah, shall we?

Eep.

My entire favorites list is in bold. I didn't send a single postcard as I lost them during one of our drunken rambles through Geneva. And oddly enough - I'm REALLY excited about being back at work. Let's see how long this lasts....

Who wants a postcard from Switzerland???

Yup - I'm sending em out. I've only been here a day, and really - it's a LOVELY place. And, it looks like I will have a couple of chances to get out on my own, so I'm excited.

Email your snail mail addys to me at greengoddess@jazzyblue.net, and I'll send em out.


Au Revoir!

Production

Sunday, Corey and I started muttering about when we wanted to start trying to have children again. He said - right after we get married? and my mouth fell open. He quickly elaborated that yes, he did remember that we wanted to wait until we were a little more settled and financially secure and all that - but yeah.
I still want to wait - but at the same time I don't want to, but I know it's smarter if we do. I'm thinking that June 2004 might be a good time to start - right after we move to wherever we end up going. :)

I went home and cooked my tail off last night. I made 2 pans of stir fried 'rice', a pot of barbecue sauce which I imeadiately used up on some chicken breasts and a pork loin (for pulled pork), a pot of parmesan spinach, a pan of shepards pie, a pot of hot wings, and 3 kinds of pudding (white chocolate, butterscotch, and pistascio). My kitchen looks like a hurricaine swept through it, but MAN I had fun. I managed to make a little room in my fridge, but not nearly enough. Tonight, I might make some lasagna to get rid of a couple of the containers and veggies, but I'm not sure if there will be room to put anything in there.

I've scheduled myself to go to a couple of Meetups through that Meetup.com place. I've picked the bookcrossing one, a homebirth one, and a pagan one. I was scheduled to go to one tonight, but eh - I don't feel like dealing with outsiders. I have this urge to vaccum my living room - and since the cooking madness took me over yesterday - I was in the kichen from the time I got home at 5:30 until I finally crawled into bed at 11:30 - AFTER I talked myself out of starting another dish - I really didn't have any time to clean. Wow - I shold procrastinate like that ALL the time. So, tonight - I think I will stay at work until 5, then head home, start washing clothes, then start cleaning the house. My bedroom is still pretty good, but the living room needs some serious work. I need to reclean the kitchen too after last night's excitement.

Ah! Lunch time... let's see how good my barbeque sauce is.

Ignorance

Honestly, sometimes I don't understand people. I'm not sure if it's mainly American people, or if it's just people in general - but it rather frightens me how sheeply people are.

I don't understand how women can take birth control (of any kind) without fully understanding the side effects.
I don't understand how anyone can go to the doctor and NOT realize that they didn't complete the examination before they leave.
I don't understand people who immediately dismiss anything that ruffles their world view without even CONSIDERING if it's true.
I don't understand parents who feed their kids food that they KNOW isn't healthy.
I don't understand how people can so easily abdicate responsibilty for their own lives by taking everything that they have ever learned at face value.

Maybe it's because I know a little bit about so MUCH stuff, and that I rarely (if ever) take what I first learn at face value. I'm naturally suspicious. But it's downright EXASPERATING when I try to share that knowledge with others - and they don't even CARE. ESPECIALLY when it has to do with health.

For example - several of my coworkers (for some reason) were having a conversation about milk. I mentioned the FACT that after the age of TWO most humans rapidly lose the ABILITY to fully digest milk - any kind of milk, especially cow's. One of my coworkers (without having ANY other information besides what the Diary Farmers of America have been pumping into the social arena) more or less called us 'crazy'. *sigh* And we aren't even going to TALK about how they dismissed the facts that the hormones in milk and meat cause girls to develop faster (and gain weight). It's KNOWLEDGE. It's understanding more about your body and our world and... I just don't GET how people are willing to just dismiss it - without even checking to see if it's true.

I'm usually a very outspoken person. I live in the heart of the Midwest, and a good majority of my personal choices are distinctly outside of the norm. I've adopted those choices because of the research I've done on it - not because some commercial told me to. Lately though, I've noticed myself keeping my mouth shut more and more. I'm TIRED of defending my choices because some NUMBNUT doesn't have to drive to inform themselves about the choices they are making.

I really need to find some 'unconventional' friends, otherwise I might bite my tongue off. I know that I can come off as VERY 'know-it-all' and I've been told sometimes that I am a little 'holier-than-thou', and truly, I try to remain concisous of that and let people make their own decisions - even if I viruently disargee with them. The hardest thing for me though is staying silent when I KNOW they aren't coming from a place of complete knowledge - that they are relying on what' they've been told rather than what they've learned.

I've got to get out of this state.

Busywork

It's still gorgeous outside. We (me and several coworkers) took a nice walk outside after lunch, and now I'm pumped about planning my spring schedule. My goal is to insure that I am OUT of the house most nights of the week. So far - I'm doing good.
Mondays - starting mid April, I'm going to take swimming lessons. Now that I have my 'new' eyes, I REALLY want to learn how to swim. That was one of the reasons that I never learned how to swim was because once I was in the water, I couldn't SEE. *laughs* I tried to explain to my mother just how odd that is, but I gave up. Your vision is altered enough as it is by JUST being in water, and I couldn't see as it was, so there was no way I could see clearly.
Tuesdays - starting April 8th, I'm going to be taking American Sign Languages classes. I planned on taking them earlier, but I missed the registration period. This time - it's inked in on my calander, and so I'm DEFINITELY going this time.
Wednesdays - I have nothing PLANNED for this day, but I'm thinking it might be a good gardening/laying about in the sun (if it's sunny) day. :)
Thursdays - The belly-dancing classes. Those start this week, and it's an 8 week class. :) This should be loads of fun! I have enough BELLY to dance with this is for sure.
Fridays - There is a Open Mic that I could go to - if I ever get up the nerve to go to a bigger forum than the one I started with. I want to write a few more new poems (or at least RE-write/edit some of my old stuff) before I move to a different forum. I have to admit though, the small group that I went to last week seemed to LOVE my poetry. It was really fun and exciting. One of the guys who read there (and his son) reads at this Friday night meeting, and they said that it's nice... so on the Fridays that Corey comes here, I can go to that reading. At some point when I get crazier or braver (and is there really a difference?).

---

I want to bitch, moan and whine for a while. I'm losing weight, and while that is a wonderful thing is sooo many ways - there is one way in which I'm UTTERLY dreading it. I'm going to have to buy new bras. As of today, most of my bras are 42/44 DDD. I brought close to 400.00 worth of bras from Lane Bryant while I worked there, which means I most likely only actually paid about 150.00 for them. The issue is that now, I've lost enough freaking weight that I really NEED to be in a 38/40 DDD, and dammit them bitches are EXPENSIVE. Obviously, the girls are big enough that they NEED some sturdy support, and so the cheap bras simply don't cut it - I might as well be wearing the wrong size. So - I'm dragging my feet, because I'm so not in the mood to spend what I need to spend to get some good bras, but - what choice do I have? I can't be going around with droopy boobies - besides it being most unattractive - my back will start to hurt, and I have NO intention of EVER getting reduction surgery, so bad bras aren't an option. Gah.

Creeps

There is a woman on Yahoo!Personals who is giving out my phone number. That bothers me on SEVERAL different levels. I don't know who she is, and none of the men who call me to get in touch with her seem to want to give up the goods on her. Today, I got the FOURTH phone call in under 2 weeks from a guy looking for 'Laura'. She sends them an email, and in the email she puts in a phone number for them to contact her. Now, if it happened once, I would have shrugged it off as a typo - I mean everyone's fingers slip occasionally, right? But 4 times? This chick is using a wrong number - and didn't even bother to check and see whose number it was. If I find out what her screen name is...I'm going to send her a VERY nasty gram. Gr.
I guess what is creeping me out the most is that I had this 'friend' who I met on Yahoo!. I say 'friend' because she certainly wasn't a close friend of mine for several reasons that were all on my part, but because I'm a softy, I didn't (which maybe I should have) discourage her from thinking of me as a 'best friend'. My issues with her started with the fact that she lies to everyone from her husband to her parents to her pastor, and I assumed me too. She was going to school to be a YOUTH MINISTER and claimed to be a rock-solid christian and she also claimed to have some mental health issues - which I don't know if that was true or not, but I know she never took her 'meds'. The straw that broke the back of her association with me was when we went to Dayton - she was having some marital issues, and wanted to get away. She can't keep a job, and doesn't have a car, so I was the driver. I had fun - dancing, drinking a little flirting - she had even more fun - including making out with some guy in the parking lot of the club. She however stepped over the line when she invited some dude she had JUST MET the night before (though even if she had known him for years it wouldn't have been any better) (and this was DIFFERENT guy from the guy she made out with) and fucked him in the bed that was oh - 2 feet from the bed I was SLEEPING in. Yeah. Very nasty. Did I mention that she hadn't even been married for a year yet? Yeah. I don't think any woman here would ever want to WAKE up to the sounds of some STRANGER fucking in the bed next to you. Ick ick ick ick ICK! So, once again, being a nice person - rather than listing for her in DETAIL what I thought of her, her habits, and her morals, I simply told her that I didn't think we should be friends any longer, and asked her to break off contact with me.
I know that she hangs out on Yahoo!Personals, and I think she might be twisted enough to give out my phone number to the guys she is drumming up. She called me a few days ago to see if I would meet with her to visit with her kids for a second, and I haven't responded - and don't plan on responding. She had a wonderful set of children who I liked quite a bit, but even for the kids I'm not trying to step anywhere NEAR the tar pit of dependency that she sucked me into the first time.

I may be kind, but I ain't stupid.

Proud

I'm just about bursting with pride over here. I'm throughly and utterly proud of myself.

I'm shy. Not painfully - at least once I get through it, but it's hard (read damn near impossible) for me to take that first step and reach out to new people. But, I know that I'm not going to make friends sitting at home (no matter how fabulous the net is).
So - I joined a mailing list for GLBT people in Indiana called "Mutual Friends". Basically it's a mailing list for friendships and events in the area. Today, I got a email from the mailing list about a poetry reading in a local bookstore. It took me about 2 hours to talk myself into going, and I didn't take any of my poetry - because I had no intention of doing anything but reading.
I get there - and it's PAINFUL. I went in and browsed for a while, then finally sat down and waited.
Mind you, 1) I'm biseuxal, and I've run into some reallly sucky situations when it comes to lesbians. 2) I'm black, and while that doesn't matter to most people -I've never really interacted much with non-black people before I graduated from college. I went to an almost all black high school, in an mostly all black town, and then, went to an all black, all girls college. So - while after a while I don't notice it - it's still a little odd (for me) to be the ONLY black person at an event. I get over it pretty quick, but still.... Finally - I was the youngest person there - by at LEAST 10 years. So yeah - I was almost struck dumb.
But - I had fun. The ice was broken when someone started talking about Lord of the Rings. After that - they started reading poetry. It was rather good, and I started getting twitchy - wishing I had brought someo f my own to share. :) Me!! Super shy, super protective of her poetry ME! Thinking about sharing some of my babies with a bunch of Late Blooming gay folx!! *grins* I ended up giving a bit that I managed to remember - and got a GREAT response. *LOL* They LIKED me!!! (Or at least my poetry).

I feel like I'm on a high. I've NEVER done anything like this - and heaven knows I've never done anything like this BY MYSELF.
Even better - I want to go to more readings - and actually read. While I DID have fun with them tonight, and will most likely go back next month, I DO want to make friends - my age. :) So... one of the guys there said that there is a poetry reading almost every night SOMEWHERE in Indy. *deep breath*

So. I'm SO freaking proud of myself I could SPIT.


*spit*spit*spit*

Balance

I find a certain level of security in being odd. It feels better to believe that the reason I am so solitary is simply because there are so few others out there who can connect to me, rather than it simply being a matter of me MISSING something.
At the same time, I worry that I'm not really odd - I just use it (as I've used money and weight and religion) as an excuse to keep me safe in my solitary little coocon.

But in everything there must be a level of balance. With the purchase of this diary - I now have three. Two on this website, and one that is set up solely for me on my website. I consiously chose to convert my other diary into a place where the entry are all narrowly focused on a certain topic - but I began to miss the connections that I formed with others as I spoke/wrote about my ENTIRE life. So - here I am again...making a place where I can write about everything that I would rather TALK about - but have so few to talk to. So - one place where I vent and talk about a major event in my life. One place where I whisper the thoughts that sometimes I'm almost ashamed to admit I have, and one place to simply write and vibrate with others.

Balance.

That siren story...

last night, shortly before I was going to go to bed, the phrase “ you can’t do that” shimmied through my head. I’m not sure who I was talking to, or thinking of, but it stuck. The intonation of it is what made it more memorable, the simple astonishment that ‘you’ would even try it. How dare ‘you’??

*shrugs* I don’t know what’s going on in my head some days. Lately I have been having the most vivid dreams, so I actually don’t know what’s been going on in my head some nights too.

I posted some online ads for friends. Is that like totally pathetic or what? I look at it this way… most of the friends that I made before… I made online. But I don’t have time to sit around and chat for 5 – 6 hours at a time. So I put out and ad, and hopefully I’ll get some sane hits. If not…I’ll try something else.

I realized that I tend to get really really really maudlin when I’m tired. And I am SOOO tired right now. I’m leaving work half an hour early, and I am going to go home and crawl under the bed…after giving Giovanni his 15 minutes of loving.

Hmmm…. 15 minutes left. Hm. 7 really cuz I wanna take the laptop home. Well. I guess I need to post and begone.

Stay Jazzed…and have a good weekend.