Oh, Stop it!!

I don't know what I'm bumping to cause those OLD entries to show up as my latest, but I swear, really, they aren't - I'm just strolling down memory lane.

In 2007 news - holy fuck, it's OCTOBER???!?!?!!?? I mean, okay, obviously that happened about 11 days ago, but DUDE! This year feels like a blur - WHooooosssshhh! Which ya know, is one of the reasons I'm strolling down memory lane - it's amazing how much has happened (and hasn't happened) over the few years I have in OD. Okay - I've BEEN here for seven years, but I've winnowed down my diary a couple of times between now and then.

I'm totally not ready for it to be cold yet - I don't have many inbetweeny clothes (because I'm HUGE! Oh my god, I'm soooo fat), and it's still too warm for winter clothes.

I'm in love with skirts (floorlength ones) but none of my winter skirts are long enough. Can you make nice skirts out of pillproof fleece? I'm thinking they might look like wool.

I don't have any shoes - I've (finally) released my addiction to heels (I think it's been the long skirt thing - I don't care so much about how my legs look *laugh*) and I've been wearing thongs/crocs all summer (when I'm not barefoot altogether) and - my toes are getting cold! I think I'm going to do ballet slipper type things....

Gahhhhh! I need to go clothes shopping (or sew) and I so don't feel like doing EITHER.

As I've been meandering down memory lane, I've stumbled across the two (or three - maybe four??) different weight loss/health efforts I've made, and ya know what? I suck. *lol* I mean - seriously, I'm literally the EXACT SAME WEIGHT I was 5 years ago. Which, I suppose could be a good thing, if that weight wasn't so damn overweight that it's insane, AND if I hadn't lost close to 90 pounds inbetween there.

*sigh*

I finally broke down and ordered the full price treadmill - It's hate to walk around the yard as I have to coat myself with OFF. It stinks.

Speaking of stinky - I've stopped using deodorant! *l* I use this bar from Lush (www.lush.com - beware, you will fall in LOVE) and it's WONDERFUL. I smell - good. Human, rather than some chemicalized version of a spring rain coated with baby powder.

Urm. What else?

I have about another 200 books I need to add to my LibraryThing - I love bookclosests.com and the thriftstore - oh, love! And I refuse to shelve them, so they are scattered alllll over the place - *headshake*

I should most likely do that this weekend.

So, how are ya'll?

Hah! And Hah!

We aren't going to talk about Nano, and that's all I have to say about that.

It's rained everymorning this week - and since it's only Monday, that's not saying much - but at least the sun peeks out a tiny bit for around 15 minutes at roughly 2pm - when I'm usually in some meeting or another.

I got measured yesterday - and I've lost FIVE inches from my waist - not so much from the hips (like a 1/2 inch) and hardly anything from the boobs (1/4 inch - no suprise there) - I'm turning back into an hourglass.  I'm still - meh - about my progress rate. I know, I know, it's only been eight weeks, but STILL. I'm desparately fighting the urge to eat LESS - I know that I'm barely eating as much as I should now (we aren't even going to TALK about my protien intake) and eating less isn't GOING to help - so. Breakfast is GOOD! Dinner is better. Yum.

I've been busily domestic diva'ing it up over the last few days. Over the weekend, I envisioned, measured, purchased, and put together 10 window insulators. You know how people usually put plastic over their windows in the winter for insulation? We have teh old house, so we really did need to do that - but 1) I hate taping stuff to the windows - we have enough nice days that sometimes we might WANT to open the windows in December and 2) I'm far, far, far too cheap to consider having to buy more plastic EVERY year - besides it being utterly environmentally heinous. So.  I built wooden frames, attached the plastic to them, and put foam all around the outside, so that they fit snugly in the window. Easy, inobtrusive, cheap, easily removable, and can be reused until the plastic rips - and then I'll jsut have to fix that one....so YEAH!!

The other thing I have been working on has been installing the sewing machine into one of the sewing tables that I have. It's been a riproaring, growling swearing, cheering experience, I'll say that much. I strongly suspect that I'm doing this the HARDEST way possible, but hell, it's fun. I have to swing by Home Despot this afternoon and pick up some shorter screws and a couple of wingnuts and something else (I made a list) so hopefully, I'll be able to finish installing it tonight, and then be able to clean it and get it working tomorrow.

I've found that I REALLY enjoy putting stuff together/installing stuff/fixing stuff. It's - fun starting with a bunch of STUFF, and ending up with something - functional and useful and CHEAP. Mwuauaahhhaaa!!

Though, I think I might turn into more of a tool queen than my hubby  - I finally gave in and admitted that yes, we could use a dremel tool (and a saw, and a sander, and a better drill, and a worktable, and........)

I've already figured out the first thing that I'm going to make - a simple floor pillow for my 'nook' upstairs.

Ummm... what else? Getting geared up to go to my mommy's house for THanksgiving - I'm excited - looking forward to seeing my mom and my grandmom and friends..... It should be loads of fun - more fun than we would have at the in-laws, that's for bloody sure.

I think that's it, guys and gals...... let the sun shine in.....

I Will Not.....

be self defeated. I will not expect things to happen instantly. I will not allow not seeing the success that I want now to give me a reason to give up - if I give up, I'll NEVER see the change that I want. 

Instead, I'm going to challenge myself more. I'm going to push a little further, a little harder, a little stricter. 

I'm seriously - sweet mother of god - seriously considering going back on Atkins.  At this point, I feel like I have the physical activity side DOWN - I'm working out at LEAST 3 times a week (on a bad, bad week) and at BEST 5 days a week.  I'm doing cardio AND weightlifting. I'm - I'm doing that right. 

Eating, on the other hand? Meh! Gah! Ugh!  I'm eating SO horribly - I'm eating REGULARILY - which is certainly a change from how I normally ate, but WHAT I'm eating? *shudder* I hang my head in shame, seriously. And - okay, maybe I don't need to go as strict as Atkins, but I HAVE to set up a 'plan' around food.  It's so much easier for me to exclude than it is to include - which isn't a good thing, but it's me. 

Umm... I need to copy this rant/thought stream on working out/losing weight here - it gives a general view of how I'm feeling.... 

---

 My ass is still - wide (hah! it hasn't been not-wide since I was 6!) but - I'm actually starting to ENJOY working out more. I can't say that I look FORWARD to it - there's always a little debbil sitting on my shoulder, asking me in sweet sweet tones whether I would really PREFER to go home and crash on the couch and burn my brain away with television - but once I get there, and once I get changed - it's - it's - good. I'm enjoying challenging myself (dammit! forgot to bring in the 8 pound weights from home!), seeing myself progress (I did 40 minutes on the treadmill Wednesday - and not 40 lesiurely minutes either - 40 sweaty, heartpoiunding, felt funny walking once I got off the treadmill and sucked down a bottle and a half of water minutes - and I felt GOOD - 2 months ago, I was sucking wind through 12 minutes!) - but..... I'm not seeing the changes in my body that I want to. Now, I KNOW that because I'm doing some serious weightlifting, that I'm going to get bigger before I get smaller, and I'm going to gain weight before I lose it, and I'm NOT doing this to see instant results - I'm doing this to be better and faster and stronger....but all I'm saying is that when I get measured week after next, if I haven't lost at LEAST 2 inches overall (which ain't much - really, that ain't much at all) I'm going to leave, buy an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, and eat it with delighted, luxorious slowness - and then, take my ass right back to the gym to the next day.
The thing that scares me - the real devil lurking in the back of my head - is that the reason that the weight is creeping off so very very slowly is that there is something 'wrong' with me - PCOS, hypothyroidism, pre-diabetes, and that I'm simply sick, and I'll never be able to get knocked up without many rounds of fertility drugs and I'll be fat ALL MY LIFE.
But then, I have to remind myself - I'm SO not eating as cleanly (or as much protien) as I should be, and that I didn't gain it all in 2 months (more like 20 years) (okay, okay, 10 years), and I'm not going to lose it all in 2 months, and I can't be impatient because it's a slow gradual thing, and because most of my clothes are sacks anyway and I haven't worn pants in months (I've worn pants twice since it's gotten colder and they feel - ODD on me) so I don't haveany thing with a 'tight' waistline to compare my waistline too because I'm still too fat to even dream of trying on any of my skinny clothes and therefore I could be changing and I wouldn't even know it because the scale LIES and.......................
And I have muscles in new places and I can run up and down the steps a couple of times without losing breath and I'm stronger and can open bottles and hammer nails and drive screws without feeling like my hands are going numb and I'm sleeping better and I feel sexier and I think I actually have a metabolism now and it's slow - and it's minor - and I can't see it on my ass (yet) but I know it's coming. It's gotta be coming.

I've never looked forward  to someone wrapping a measuring tape around my ass THIS much before in my life.

nbsp;

Colorgenics....(and again, BAAAAAAAAA!)

Haven't even started writing today - naughty, naughty girl. I've been pounding away on a document I need to get done for SWHC that I need to finish at work so that I can print out many many free copies, so - yeeeahhh.

I may be the oddest person ever - really - I get moody for the silliest of reasons - just resentful that things aren't going MY way. *stomps foot*

Why yes, I AM a brat.

But - onto the profile!

---

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbours and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.

The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.

---

Suprisingly on point - esp. in the particular mood I'm in. I'll have to do this again when I'm a wee bit more cheerful. *glares at nothing in particular*

*crunches into chocolate*

And - why! Why! Would you a) give away OLD candy (like stale icky old) for Halloween, and then! THEN! bring the even staler, ickier, leftovers to work to torment your coworkers? I mean damn ya'll - if ya gon give away candy from 2003, at least keep it in the freezer so that it stays FRESH.

Though, I suppose I shouldn't be eating candy ANYWAY - my ass is still - wide (hah! it hasn't been not-wide since I was 6!) but - I'm actually starting to ENJOY working out more. I can't say that I look FORWARD to it - there's always a little debbil sitting on my shoulder, asking me in sweet sweet tones whether I would really PREFER to go home and crash on the couch and burn my brain away with television - but once I get there, and once I get changed - it's - it's - good. I'm enjoying challenging myself (dammit! forgot to bring in the 8 pound weights from home!), seeing myself progress (I did 40 minutes on the treadmill Wednesday - and not 40 lesiurely minutes either - 40 sweaty, heartpoiunding, felt funny walking once I got off the treadmill and sucked down a bottle and a half of water minutes - and I felt GOOD - 2 months ago, I was sucking wind through 12 minutes!) - but..... I'm not seeing the changes in my body that I want to. Now, I KNOW that because I'm doing some serious weightlifting, that I'm going to get bigger before I get smaller, and I'm going to gain weight before I lose it, and I'm NOT doing this to see instant results - I'm doing this to be better and faster and stronger....but all I'm saying is that when I get measured week after next, if I haven't lost at LEAST 2 inches overall (which ain't much - really, that ain't much at all) I'm going to leave, buy an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, and eat it with delighted, luxorious slowness - and then, take my ass right back to the gym to the next day.
The thing that scares me - the real devil lurking in the back of my head - is that the reason that the weight is creeping off so very very slowly is that there is something 'wrong' with me - PCOS, hypothyroidism, pre-diabetes, and that I'm simply sick, and I'll never be able to get knocked up without many rounds of fertility drugs and I'll be fat ALL MY LIFE.
But then, I have to remind myself - I'm SO not eating as cleanly (or as much protien) as I should be, and that I didn't gain it all in 2 months (more like 20 years) (okay, okay, 10 years), and I'm not going to lose it all in 2 months, and I can't be impatient because it's a slow gradual thing, and because most of my clothes are sacks anyway and I haven't worn pants in months (I've worn pants twice since it's gotten colder and they feel - ODD on me) so I don't haveany thing with a 'tight' waistline to compare my waistline too because I'm still too fat to even dream of trying on any of my skinny clothes and therefore I could be changing and I wouldn't even know it because the scale LIES and.......................
And I have muscles in new places and I can run up and down the steps a couple of times without losing breath and I'm stronger and can open bottles and hammer nails and drive screws without feeling like my hands are going numb and I'm sleeping better and I feel sexier and I think I actually have a metabolism now and it's slow - and it's minor - and I can't see it on my ass (yet) but I know it's coming. It's gotta be coming.

I've never looked forward to someone wrapping a measuring tape around my ass THIS much before in my life.

Okay. I have to get back to this ^($&%$*&%$ $ document now.

Nano count later.... much later, as I might not write til I get home, depending on how the afternoon goes.

*kisses*

Still on Track.....

More or less.

As always, the eating bit is HARD for me. Hard, Hard, HARD. I try to make good choices, but - Meh. Taint the easiest thing to eat every three hours like I'm supposed to - though, I have to admit, I do tend to get HUNGRY every three hours - my metabolism is starting to ramp up. I usually screw it up over the weekends by eating throughly stupidly, but I'm going to try to get better.

In workout news - PT is still an evil, evil, man - but I'm lifting - weights! Not little girly weights either - my lowest is ten pounds (and I grunt and strain and weep through each rep) and my highest is 35 (which, okay, is still kinda girly, but definitely in the weight 'building' range, not the weight 'toning' range).
I've also found my personal miracle drug - MSM. No next day 'crippled old lady walk' instead it's just a deep achiness. And I know it's not me getting used to the routine because a) EvilMan has been changing it up every week and 2) it works when I do a new routine or go up in weights - which - really, makes things even sweeter, because there aren't really any negative repercussions from working out. Cardio is still a beast (I'm up to 40 minutes!! FORTY!!!) and I need new sneakers pretty darn badly, but otherwise - tis all good.

I can tell I'm still getting smaller - I haven't hopped back on the scale, and I have no clue when he is going to measure us next, but I know that I'm getting smaller. Clothes fit just that LITTLE bit nicer (as I have very few things that really FIT my current size), my face is getting prettier and less piggy looking, and I even have a few tiny muscles (which are still coated with WAAYYY too much fat to really be seen).

I skipped lifting on Friday (I had errands to run and a VERY busy weekend and I just couldn't AFFORD to be sore - excuses, I know - but it's the first time I've missed a weekly workout since we started, and I'm looking FORWARD to getting int there tonight (DESPITE the fact that I'm period-achy, and really just wana go home and go to SLEEP), so no harm, no foul), but I am going to fully rock the casbah tonight.

Okay - with that out of the way.... things that I am going to do better.

1) Complete a full lifting cycle - I normally haven't really been able to finish a WHOLE new routine within the first week, so tonight, I'm expecting to do all my reps.

2) Get more protien in - I'm going to start having a shake as SOON as I hit the door at home at night, and once I get paid, I will be getting some vanilla/unflavored protien powder to fix in with my oatmeal in the morning.

3) Get in more water - I've been slacking on that lately - not drinking my usual 3-4 42oz cups a day - usually maxing out at about two - at least at work. I usually drink another 1/2 liter on my way home after working out/at home......that's a little over a half gallon, so that's not TOO bad, but not as good as I could be.

My thighs.......

are rubbing together!!

Okay - normally that is something that women tend to weep and gash their teeth about - but for me, it's a GOOD thing, as they usually just STICK together - there ain't enough room between them to even rub. I was walking through Target a few days ago, and was sweating (damn weather!) and realized - holy shit!! My THIGHS are rubbing together!!

Another exciting thing - my pooch is getting 'floppier' which means there is less fat 'plumping it out, and my skin hasn't quite caught up just yet. And! The nasty little folds over my elbows when I have my arms at my sides are MUCH smaller - almost gone.

I comment on all of this - BEFORE I mention that I got on the scale, and saw that I had gained 6 pounds. Say WHAT??? But then, I thought about how muscle takes up more room than fat, and how new muscle is VERY heavy because it's holding onto water in order to restore itself. So I'm pleased.

My fitness trainer is an evil, evil man, who I appreciate the living hell out of, because I haven't seen results like this in - in ever, really. And I'm challenged to push myself a little futher, and a little harder, as long as it doesn't feel DANGEROUSLY painful - and I'm trying to stretch my limits of what that is.

I still don't like cardio, but - it's a needed thing. It's interesting - I'm starting to suspect that I'm one of those people who can build muscle easily - but who also LOSE it at the drop of a hat. So.... from that..... I've made an inner decision. I'm going to work towards becoming a 'figure' competitor. Yes, I know I'm horribly fat, and overweight, and short - but I'm going to work towards it. The very WORST that could happen is that I'm skinnier (and healtheir and in better shape) than I've ever been in my life. The very best? Who knows.

Little Things

My rings are getting slightly looser - they feel more like they are supposed to feel, and less like they are the endcaps on a flexible sausage.

My eating = dreadful. Just utterly. And we aren't even going to TALK about the drinking. But - I've been exercising like a maniac (maniac! on the dance floor!). Lifting weights (painful though it is) is downright pleasureable for me....it's a very SATISFYING feeling - a creamy contentment slides over me after I finish working out - the feeling of a difficult job well and gracefully done.

I stepped on the scale today (I know, I know!! - it was in my way, and it's going in the closet tonight!) and looked at the number, (which I'm purposely not noting) and it didn't really - mean anything. It was a number. Not an ugly number, not a pretty number - just a number.

Went grocery shopping Sunday, picked up some soymilk and some whole wheat tortillas - I need to figure out a good portable way to eat them. Hmmm - I need to see if the yogurt I have at home is still good, and I'll make some Tziki....

My boobs are fitting into the bra better too. And my back is starting to break out - the oddest (yet most reliable) sign of weightloss I have.

Happy am I, but aware that this is just the first bit of pleasure on a very LONG journey.

Little Things

My rings are getting slightly looser - they feel more like they are supposed to feel, and less like they are the endcaps on a flexible sausage.

My eating = dreadful. Just utterly. And we aren't even going to TALK about the drinking. But - I've been exercising like a maniac (maniac! on the dance floor!). Lifting weights (painful though it is) is downright pleasureable for me....it's a very SATISFYING feeling - a creamy contentment slides over me after I finish working out - the feeling of a difficult job well and gracefully done.

I stepped on the scale today (I know, I know!! - it was in my way, and it's going in the closet tonight!) and looked at the number, (which I'm purposely not noting) and it didn't really - mean anything. It was a number. Not an ugly number, not a pretty number - just a number.

Went grocery shopping Sunday, picked up some soymilk and some whole wheat tortillas - I need to figure out a good portable way to eat them. Hmmm - I need to see if the yogurt I have at home is still good, and I'll make some Tziki....

My boobs are fitting into the bra better too. And my back is starting to break out - the oddest (yet most reliable) sign of weightloss I have.

Happy am I, but aware that this is just the first bit of pleasure on a very LONG journey.

Did I mention that I'm not going to be weighing myself?

I had almost convinced myself of this last time - saying, quite logically too, that if this was REALLY a full life change - something that I was doing for my health, then the pleasure of doing it - and doing it better than I did before - was the only reward/carrot/result I should be looking for. The numbers on the scale WILL change - as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm serious this time - no scale.

And - I'm amazed at how sexy exercising makes me feel. Okay, that's not absolutely correct - it's more that I'm not in the depths of despondency over mah fat arse because I'm actually TRYING to do something about it, rather than continiuing to sit on the aforementioned body part and stuff dingdongs in my mouth. Not that I actually EAT dingdongs (I prefer Oatmeal Cream Pies) but, you get the idea.

I did my first independant wieght lifting workout yesterday - Oh my god! One good thing I can say, is that when I was done, my thighs hurt less. Yes, I thought that was odd too - considering I had worked out with the demon whom I shall call D (otherwise known as my personal trainer) on Monday, and had skipped a day on Tuesday (because I had taken a half day from work, and also because my thighs felt like they were going to physically rip themselves from my body) - but after working out yesterday I feel almost - normal. Nay, human even. My thighs still hurt when I first stand up and start to walk around, but - other than that - it isn't half bad. So, I guess working out isn't half bad, neh? Though, squats and shrugs are still el diablo himself - I'm delightfully satisfied when I'm done. 

The fitness center that I go to is popluated by mostly BOYS which is vaguely creepy/embarassing/oh my god I am teh suck/ but I firmly try to ignore them, make sure I have the proper form, and pretend like I'm a hawt strong girl doing this instead of an almost hawt utterly weak girl trying to get hotter & stronger. There is one girl there who dares to touch the weights, and another woman there who I don't think knows that the weights EXSIST - but other than that, it's a pretty small crowd. But then, it's late in the year..... I'm sure that after January, it'll be ass against the glass in there - for a month or so, and then people will fade away again. 

Umm - I've tweaked my points system a little, and corrected a REALLY obvious mistake, and I'm going to use it for the rest of the week, and then see how well it turned out for me....but I think that I will stick with it.  I was debating punishments/pointlosses for eating 'bad' foods - but no. This is a life long change - there is no such thing as a 'bad' food - there are jsut more supportive and less supportive foods, and if I want to eat something that has all the support of a 12 year old bra, then dammit, I will. Technically, I WILL lose a point because it won't fall into protien/starchy carb/fibrous carb - but I just really want to get away from the idea of good food/bad food. 
I need to work on a shopping list, dammit all.  Grocery shopping MUST be done this weekend.  I need to put together some meat & veggie combos for lunch - though, I suspect that sandwiches and soups will be a favorite. I had oatmeal for lunch today - YUM! I think it'll be easier for me to deal with that for lunch than anything else. I'm also thinking about making some breakfast burritos and freezing them, to give me a quick grab yum! for snacks. Hm. 
I think that's it, for now. Must do grocery list TONIGHT!

9-26-06

Umph.

I got slapped with a hungry stick around 9:30am, and wolfed down a yogurt. (One point) Good, that I ate, bad, that all I had was yogurt. I have to bag up some Oatmeal, and go to Family Dollar tonight.

I was only at work for half a day, and I gulped down a protien shake around 11:00 ish (hungry again- yet another sign that the yogurt wasn't enough - another point).

I ran some errands, went home, started making lunch, got interuppted several times, finally sat down to eat (a BTC sammich) around 2pm. Had chips with it, made two sammichs, only ate one. (2 points)

Then, got bust doing stuff, was full - and okay, until around 8ish, I suppose (ah, just lost a point here). Ate some leftover cheesy goulash of hubby's that I dotted with the remaining bacon. (3 points)

Took my last set of supplements around 9:30, was in bed by 10:30, sleep by 12.

I didn't work out - the whole half a day thing (lose 4 points - I refuse to count a weekday as a cheat day), but that's really no excuse as I HAVE weights at home, and I HAVE a piece of cardio equipment so - I just generally suck.

I REALLY need to set up a 'home' schedule, because otherwise I jsut sit on my ass and get jack ALL done. So. Yes.
And I need to start working on my grocery list - the monthly shoppin trip is this weekend, and I've got a whole world of supportive eating to prep for.

My God, how much do I suck?

Seriously??? 


So, it's pretty obvious that I haven't done jackall for well over hte last month.  I was in the zone, grooving and moving, and then - SPLAT. As I always do, I nicely sabatoged myself, and stopped doing EVERYTHING.  But - a couple of things have come up, and a couple of things have changed, and hopefully - sweet jesu - no, there is no hope. I am GOING to do this, gotdammit - no ifs, no ands, no buts, and any damn excuses should come out of my ASS. 
*clears throat* 

So - firstly, I finally got the key to out fitness center - it's an nice place. Has several treadmills, a couple of machines, plenty of free weights.  I hadn't bothered going until last week when I - 
Secondly - started working with a personal trainer.  It's the same fellow that I was emailing back and forth with a few months ago (most likely when I started this journal), and while it ain't cheap (but really, how expensive is 425.00 for a lifetime of health?), I think that it will be useful. On a personal level, I think he's a bit of a twit, but - it's the asskick I need. Plus there's
Thirdly - I just joined a challenge that was on one of my hair boards (we aren't going to go into that obsession right now, TYVM!) - 2007 Head to Toe challenge.  As I've begun to realize that - from my hair to my body to my spirit - I'm all one, all intertwined, and I can't expect one to truly flourish while I neglect the others, I'm on board with that. The hair aspects are in my hair journal, the spiritual aspects with be in my spiritual journal, and the body aspects will be here. 
I swear before ALL that is holy - at some point I'm going to grow a set and combine everything into one place. 

So - as part of pushing myself along (accountability, accountability) I'm going to start scoring my days.  According to the fitness trainer, I need to work out 6 days a week, and I get one cheat day a week.  I need to eat every three hours, and while he doesn't recommend a certain level of protien/carbs/fats (he just gives us this list of 'supportive' foods, which really, might work better for me anyhow - as he says, you don't have to be PERFECT, you just have to do better than you've done before).  There are two portions of my workout - cardio and resistance, and three portions of my food - protien/starchy carb/fibrous carb. 

3 points per meal - (I'm not going to specify how MANY meals I should eat a day, because on the weekends (when I sleep in) it will get thrown off. 
4 points per workout (2 points for cardio, 2 points for resistence) 
3 points per supplement (I'm supposed to be taking a supplement 3 times a day - I usually only do it twice a day) 
5 points for timing - I'll just GIVE myself five points for eating every three hours (I figure 15 hours is about my max) and lose points as I go along.

So - that's 15 points a day, which means in a perfect week, I should have 90 points.  I'm going to START by shooting for  75 points - five perfect days. Each thing that I miss - I lose a point for.  For example, if I eat breakfast at 9am, and then don't eat again until 2pm, I lose a point - if I skip cardio, I lose 2 points. If I eat a meal that only protien and starchy carbs, I lose a point (no fiborous carbs). I'm going to start each day out with five points for timing, and add the rest as I go along.

I'm officially kicking off the point system today - I'll put together a little chart in Excel that I can keep up with easily - Gods Bless GoogleSpreadsheets. I'm going to give myself a week to tweak it, and then shoot seriously for 75+ points EVERY week.

And I still owe someone a freaking workout CD - as soon as the computer room is back in shape and I can actually get ON my computer - it will be burnt and sent.

Whinging.

I've been going all over, spreading my weepy ass across the landscape, so I figured, why should my weight loss journal be any different, hmmm?

So. still at 241 - yeah. Still eating - yeah. *sigh* I'm kinda, sorta, almost, but not really wondering if I have a mild ED - let me flow of consiouness for a while.

So... over the weekend, I was thinking (and bitching) about the fact that I HAVE to eat in order to lose weight, Not only that, but I have to eat regularly - or, more realistically, anytime my body says it's hungry. Now, I've always been able to tell the difference between hunger and boredom, hunger and thirst, and real hunger - so, that was never an issue. The thing is - I usually ignored it. I ate when I was good and ready - which might have been 6 hours after my body said 'Hey, hun? FEED ME!!!'.
I realized that I've always associated a sort of - spiritual purity - to not eating. Okay, maybe not SPECIFIALLY to not eating, but to transcending what my body demanded that I do, and control it with my mind - ie. not eating because my body said so, but eating because my brain wanted to eat. It felt - it feels - cleaner, righter, more in control - than leaping to the fridge the instant my body demanding food - whether I was in the middle of something or not.
But - doing some further thinking about it, I realized that is most likely why I lost so much weight on Atkins - AND why I stopped losing weight. I was able to lose so much weight because not only was I eating frequently, I had also 'tricked' my body into feeding off of it's fat source when it would normally tell me that it was hungry. As I lost more and more weight, I started eating less and less, and despite the 'eat fat' trickery, by body started being more reluctant to let anymore weight go, because you know, I've apparently got those famine genes. So - if I had continued to eat - maybe not ALOT, but at least regularly - I might have lost more weight.

I've noticed, over these last few weeks - the weeks that I eat - all seven days of the week, and don't skimp out and eat only once on Saturday, and once on Sunday (if at all on Saturday, depending on what time I wake up) I lose weight. Period. The weeks that I DON'T eat on the weekend, or skip a lunch, or eat a low-protien dinner - I gain or maintain.

In order for me to lose weight, it is simply NOT an option for me to skip meals. I NEED to eat breakfast, I NEED to eat lunch, I NEED to eat dinner - and I most likely should be sliding in a snack or two inbetween there to keep me going. That's so damn irksome.

I've also noticed that my blood sugar is MUCH more variable - it really is dependant on me eating, and if I go too long without eating, I can FEEL myself getting grumpy and - easily irritated. Or, I get a headache. Sheesh, is this what it's like to have a NORMAL metabolism? You have to EAT frequently?? Blargh. Too much bloody trouble is what it is. But - at least I'm learning, and I can accept the fact that for me to get what I want out of my body, I have to give it what it wants. The spoiled bitch.

In other news - I STILL don't have a blankety-blankety keycard for the fitness center. I'm - ready to start working out. Okay, I haven't fully figured out the whole clothing/shower issue - but that's just a matter of a little forethought. I suspect that once I start exercising, I'm going to be even HUNGRIER, and I'll HAVE to eat those inbetween snacks (and a more robust breakfast than yogurt) - delightful. But - I won't mind as much, cuz I'm sure my body will be routing those protiens into muscle, so, okay.

*sigh* There, I think I'm done whining. I've tried to be REALLY good with food this week (all of Wednesday that it is) and we shall see what the scale says Monday. I honestly do think I'm losing/rearranging, because some of my clothes are fitting slightly different. Can't say it's better or worse, just - different.

Whinging.

I've been going all over, spreading my weepy ass across the landscape, so I figured, why should my weight loss journal be any different, hmmm?

So. still at 241 - yeah. Still eating - yeah. *sigh* I'm kinda, sorta, almost, but not really wondering if I have a mild ED - let me flow of consiouness for a while.

So... over the weekend, I was thinking (and bitching) about the fact that I HAVE to eat in order to lose weight, Not only that, but I have to eat regularly - or, more realistically, anytime my body says it's hungry. Now, I've always been able to tell the difference between hunger and boredom, hunger and thirst, and real hunger - so, that was never an issue. The thing is - I usually ignored it. I ate when I was good and ready - which might have been 6 hours after my body said 'Hey, hun? FEED ME!!!'.
I realized that I've always associated a sort of - spiritual purity - to not eating. Okay, maybe not SPECIFIALLY to not eating, but to transcending what my body demanded that I do, and control it with my mind - ie. not eating because my body said so, but eating because my brain wanted to eat. It felt - it feels - cleaner, righter, more in control - than leaping to the fridge the instant my body demanding food - whether I was in the middle of something or not.
But - doing some further thinking about it, I realized that is most likely why I lost so much weight on Atkins - AND why I stopped losing weight. I was able to lose so much weight because not only was I eating frequently, I had also 'tricked' my body into feeding off of it's fat source when it would normally tell me that it was hungry. As I lost more and more weight, I started eating less and less, and despite the 'eat fat' trickery, by body started being more reluctant to let anymore weight go, because you know, I've apparently got those famine genes. So - if I had continued to eat - maybe not ALOT, but at least regularly - I might have lost more weight.

I've noticed, over these last few weeks - the weeks that I eat - all seven days of the week, and don't skimp out and eat only once on Saturday, and once on Sunday (if at all on Saturday, depending on what time I wake up) I lose weight. Period. The weeks that I DON'T eat on the weekend, or skip a lunch, or eat a low-protien dinner - I gain or maintain.

In order for me to lose weight, it is simply NOT an option for me to skip meals. I NEED to eat breakfast, I NEED to eat lunch, I NEED to eat dinner - and I most likely should be sliding in a snack or two inbetween there to keep me going. That's so damn irksome.

I've also noticed that my blood sugar is MUCH more variable - it really is dependant on me eating, and if I go too long without eating, I can FEEL myself getting grumpy and - easily irritated. Or, I get a headache. Sheesh, is this what it's like to have a NORMAL metabolism? You have to EAT frequently?? Blargh. Too much bloody trouble is what it is. But - at least I'm learning, and I can accept the fact that for me to get what I want out of my body, I have to give it what it wants. The spoiled bitch.

In other news - I STILL don't have a blankety-blankety keycard for the fitness center. I'm - ready to start working out. Okay, I haven't fully figured out the whole clothing/shower issue - but that's just a matter of a little forethought. I suspect that once I start exercising, I'm going to be even HUNGRIER, and I'll HAVE to eat those inbetween snacks (and a more robust breakfast than yogurt) - delightful. But - I won't mind as much, cuz I'm sure my body will be routing those protiens into muscle, so, okay.

*sigh* There, I think I'm done whining. I've tried to be REALLY good with food this week (all of Wednesday that it is) and we shall see what the scale says Monday. I honestly do think I'm losing/rearranging, because some of my clothes are fitting slightly different. Can't say it's better or worse, just - different.

Weigh-in and Whinging

Starting weight: 246
Last week's weight: 241
Current weight: 238
This week's loss: 3
Total loss:  8
STG: 220
LTG: 140

Arghh. I didn't weigh-in last week because I got on the scale and was just CRUSHED by the reading - crushed I tell you.  Especially since, in my mind, I had been eating SOO well. 
But - thanks to FitDay, I reviewed what I had eaten, and realized while I WAS eating WELL, I wasn't eating ENOUGH. Gah. Can I tell you how FRUSTRATING it is to FORCE yourself to eat in order to lose weight? The delights of a famine-trained metabolism. 

Anyhow, I ate MUCH better last week - and I see the results on the scale.  Yayy! For me.

So, I know that I have no RIGHT to whine about this - but - I must. 
I've always been a fat girl - always, always always.  And, as a side effect of that - in my mind - things got a little twisted. 
The less I ate, the more pleased I was with myself - I felt like I was trumping my natural urge to eat and eat and eat - and thus pack on more and more pounds.  I trained myself to ignore hunger signals, and to drink water to cover them up.  And even as I had this pride in eating so little, it was rather pointless, considering I was STILLL gaining weight. 
Then, I started using FitDay, and I realized that even eating a little wasn't all that hot if it was packed with fat and calories.  So - I began to train myself to eat small bits of good food - not fried, as fresh as possible, and as natural as possible - and still, I was pleased when I ate the absolute minimum - never cleaning my plate, never eating as much as my husband does. 
Then, I started talking to this hardcore fitness fellow, and he gave me some suggestions and guidelines (that I then researched myself) and I realized that I have been starving myself for YEARS - therefore every bit of fat my body could store it would, because it didn't believe that it was guarenteed a good, healthy, stable source of food.  

I could cry.  All these years, ALL THESE YEARS, of eating tiny portions, and feeling so noble, and - I've been sabatoging myself the entire time. And I had - have - a certain sense of pride (even now) in being able to comfortably go for an entire day without eating.  It feels - right. It feels ever so much righter than finishing off a huge plate of chicken and greens, or scarfing down a tabuli sandwich the size of my head. But - I've seen - the difference over the last two weeks has shown me that as SOON as I start eating LESS - I gain weight.  

I suppose I should be celebrating! I should throw all of those old calorie calculations out of the window, and make sure that every day I get at lelast 100g of protien, 100g of carbs, and 50g of fat - those should be my goals.  But - I still stare at the fridge, or the food on my plate, and I groan at the thought of eating.  I don't WANT to eat, I'd much rather NOT eat, and I rarely have a taste or an appetite for anything (healthy) anyhow.  But - If I really want to lose weight - I have to force myself to eat.  I wonder how long it'll be (if ever) before my metabolism is back to normal? Or am I going to be forced to eat at that delicate line between eating the max I can and overeating for the rest of my life?  

At least I know the trick now.  It sucks, sucks majorly to have to force myself to eat, but dammit - I have to force myself to exericse, to go to bed at a decent hour, and everything else that is useful and helpful and not completely natural....I just wish something could be EASY!!!




Got throughly pissed off today, as the cleaning crew decided that RIGHT BEFORE lunch on a MONDAY was a good time to go through and 'clean' the fridge out, which really means they picked up everyones food and threw it out because one persons food smelled bad.  Now, mind you, I try to bring a weeks worth of food with me to work on Mondays so that I don't have ANY excuse to not eat lunch.  3 chicken breasts, about 5 or 6 chicken wings, and like three or four CUPS of my barley pilaf - all in the trash.  *angry face* I can't even - I mean - the - STUPIDITY - of doing something like that - I mean - DAMN!! That was a LOT of food. Thankfully, they didn't throw out my yogurt, cuz if they had, I might have had to go apeshit on them. 
*sigh* so now, I need to figure out what lunch is going to be.  I ransacked my desk drawers today and came up with Miso Soup, an apple, some peanut butter and some crackers - wayyyy too light on the protien and too high on the simple carbs (I can feel myself getting sleepy already) but - at least it'll tide me over til I get home. I'm still so PISSED that they did that though!! Sheesh!! At least give folxs a DAYS warning - just a LITTLE bit of a heads up. 
Bastids.

So, ten pound loss!! Whooohoooo! And all that.

*sigh* So why don't I feel like I've actually acheived something? I've lost 4% of my body weight - which ain't half bad - and it's just - meh. 

Thinking back, I think this is a large part of the reason why I backslid so severely last time I lost weight - I was seeing the numbers change  - but I wasn't really impressed with the results. And then, when I hit the period where the numbers just WOULDN'T change - and I thought that 'shocking' my body by increasing carbs and calories might work - and well, I shocked 60 pounds right back on. 

Once again, this solidifies the need for PICTURES.  Dated, pictures - because I'm sure that if I looked at a picture from last month, and a picture from today - I know that I WOULD see a difference. The camera doesn't lie.  

*thinks* Let's see - I've lost the tiny bit of a double chin I was forming (I realized that when I was looking down, I could feel this little lump of fat - that scared me! I've never had a double chin!), and my wedding rings are fitting better. *thinks*  I've only got another 16 pounds to lose to fit my short term goal - and I've got two months to lose it in! 

Blah!! It's jsut that - I want - so badly - to have the hot body. And I'm only 10% of the way there - of course, that's a hell of a lot better than being only 1% there - or 0% there! It is! it's just - soooooo slow. That's what it is - slow, slow, slow. I want this to happen in a blur - and I know that looking BACK at it - it will happen in a blur. Hell - those first ten pounds vanished while I was gardening, camping, reading, drinking, laughing, loving, praying for the lottery, and just generally - LIVING life.  And I can keep living life, and stay fat - or I can live life, and lose weight at the same time! Wow! What a notion!  

Yes, I'm being snarkily sarcastic - it's just. Bleh. I don't know.  I'm certianly not DOWNPLAYING my loss, it's just - *sigh* it's just that I so wish it was so much more. And I know that I will have to keep 'ramping up' my - challeneges to myself, I guess - in order to keep this sort of progress going. I still haven't gotten the key to the Fitness Center *ggrrrrr!!!* so I'm not able to workout yet. *sigh*  I have been eating right, drinking lots of water, and taking my vitamins though - the vitamins alone are damn near a miracle, as I hate swallowing pills, but managed to find some Centrum Chewables, so I'm happy. 

*sigh* I really should have taken pictures yesterday - I refuse to document this journey in front of my hubby - he loves me JSUT as I am, and I don't want him getting any ideas.  

How scary is that?? I've just realized - just like the mirror lies to me, I honestly do believe that his eyes lie to him - and I don't want him to see me without a filter....because then I'm afraid he wouldn't be nearly as attracted to me as he is now - and man, that would break my heart. So he's  not allowed to help in any way shape or form, except for gently supporting my food choices. 

I can tell that my metabolism is ramping up though - I'm actually MORE hungry than usual. *sigh* I realize, that's one distinct downfall to have a working metabolism - it's such a HASSLE eating so much of the times. Especially eating aware! Before, I could go - hours at a time (12-14) without eating, and I MIGHT get hungry - once - and then I'd drink a lil water or something, and I'd be fine. NOW? Phsshh! I'm actually HUNGRY enough to eat breakfast (and that's BEFORE I start working out), and lunch time, as well as snack times, make themselves QUITE well known to me. I have to look at it as a good thing, not as my body trying to distract me from whatever I'm actually focused on just so that it can get fed. Humph, demanding creatures, bodies are, ain't they? 

It's definitely an encouragment to ensure that I have plenty of pre-prepped stuff ready for me to eat - esp. at work! We have a full sized fridge here, and I bring about a week/week&a half's worth of food, and just leave it here - that way, if I decide I want yogurt for breakfast, and for a snack, I've got enough here - and there's less chance of me 'forgetting' to bring my lunch to work - it's already here! 

Okay, I think I'm done whining now.

Weigh-In Mondays....

Starting weight: 246
Last week's weight: 238.5
Current weight:  236.0
This week's loss: 2.5
Total loss: 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STG: 220
LTG: 140

*does a happy dance* 

I've hit my first short term goal - TEN pounds!!  I'm so stoked.

Okay - I usually sneak on the scale at some point in the middle of the day Sunday, just to try and give myself a 'preview' of what the 'official' weigh-in is going to be - and I'm starting to think it's worthless, as Sunday's weight and Monday morning's weight NEVER match up. :) but I'm usually plesantly suprised, so! 

Whoohoo! Onto the next ten!

The Mirror Lies

It's really been a struggle for me - acknowledging how large I am. 

I'm doing some new 'stuff' with my hair, and I decided to take a few side/profile shots of myself - and my god! I recognized my ears, and my hair - but whose puffy, flabby face is that? And why is it so BIG? 

My husband and I recently brought a house, and our real estate agent always takes pictures of her customers at closing to use in testimonials - and she included a copy of the picture - and - who IS that? The huge face with the deep creases around the nose and mouth when I smile (all fat). The outfit that I THOUGHT looked so cute looking like - who did what, and WHY, dear god, WHY? 

I try to sit outside for a few minutes every afternoon - just to soak up some sun and warm up. The bench that I sit on is right in front of a plateglass windows, which insure a good reflection. Somedays, I just look at myself - seeing the rolls on the back, and the width of my upper arm (it's as wide as my hand!) and the generally blobby apperance - and I'm honestly shocked. Who IS that woman? Where did she come from? How long have I not noticed that she's been here? 

 

The mirror lies. I'm not sure if it's the delicate forgiveness my eyes give the image transmitted back from the glass, or if it's a illusion built of movement and personality - but, the mirror LIES.  

I've trusted the mirror for years - I'm not a vain woman, by any stretch of the imagination, but I do try to look - neat, clean and nice. Professional, even, and generally cute & attractive.  The mirror has supported me all these years, soothed me when the scale creeped, reassured me when comparing myself to others - but it lied to me.  

Pictures, on the other hand - tell the truth. My god - it just hit me that I'm BACK at the weight where I was last time I took 'progress' pictures. I can't find the skimpily dressed ones, but here is how far I came, went, and retreated. 

I don't think I'm QUITE as big as I was in the first picture - but I could be wrong.  I've thrown (or given) away all of those clothes - well, not - actually I haven't. I have one dress left from then - it was a long linen dress, and I refused to get rid of it (I was plotting on making a skirt from it) and that dress is a bit tighter than I would like it to be.  I think it's a size 22.  

*sighs* That girl in the second picture - that WOMAN in the second picture - that's my vision of me - of what I look like - no matter HOW much I weigh.  And the mirror concurs.  

I've decided that I'm going to HAVE to take pictures to see the truth.  I'm not going to try to take them every week - I think I'll take a picture every month.  And I want it to be a nice picture - a picture that I can bring to work with me, so that I can post it in my cubicle for inspiration.  I'm going to post one on the wall next to my alarm clock so that I can see it when I wake up, and it will encourage me to get out of bed and workout in the morning.  

*sighs* I feel oddly tired. *sighs* Maybe tired isn't the right word - I feel - deflated. Not - worthless, not - despondent, but deflated. Frustrated?  Maybe, maybe not. It's - it's - I'm disappointed in myself.  I'm disappointed that I was doing SO well, and then just - backslid. Was it the stalling weightloss? Was it the frustration with the limited food selections on Atkins? Was it just - oversecurity because the mirror lies, and I tend to avoid pictures like the plague (Hmmm, I wonder why THAT is??)??? I don't know - but I'm NOT going to let it happen again.  

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.  I made a bad choice (to stop eating healthy, to stop working out, to stop treating myself the way I deserve to be treated) and I've learned - ouch, have I learned. 

The mirror lies.

Interessstiinnnnggg..............

So - this is going to be harder than I expected. I suspect that I will have to cut down on my protien - or break down and start eating the processed versions. 
See - a large part of me changing my eating habits/patterns is because I am on a path of becoming more natural. I'm working with my natural hair, I'm going organic in the garden, I'm trying to use as few chemicals in the house as possible - just in general - I'm trying to green my life. And eating stuff that I can grow/breed - is a LARGE part of that. So, I'm rather - reluctant to break down and get the ultra-processed protien in order to hit my numbers. Blech. 

Anyhow! Didn't eat nearly to plan today. Well, that's not true - everything I ate WAS on plan - I just didn't eat nearly enough. 

I woke up around 7:30, got to work around 8:15, had a cup of coffee (with a teaspoon of dried milk - nonfat - in it - I figured anyway I can sneak even a tiny bit of protien in, the better). Didn't eat breakfast - told myself it was because I didn't exercise this morning. Ummhmm. 
Around noon, had lunch - one serving of the Chicken Dijon Potato Salad. It was actually pretty good - sitting overnight CERTAINLY helped it. I would use less mustard next time though. 

Around 3, the thought started nudging me that I needed to eat - but I got 'involved' in something, and was convienently busy. My plan was to have an apple, and some peanut butter, and maybe a bit of cheese then. 

Got home, dicked about in the garden for a while, then came in and made myself this HUGE salad, with 8oz of pork on it (ugh!) and two slices of toast with some fat-free cream cheese. Only finished half the salad, and about 3'4 of the meat - I gave the rest of the salad to hubby. 

Have had two 32 oz of water.....and a lite beer, and a glass of wine. Ahhhh.... 

Overall scoring? 

Pro:143g
Car: 65g
Fat:  63g

Not too bad!! I plan on having a couple of the Eggies for dessert  (2g Pro/11 calories) and I don't know....maybe some tea!! I've got wiggle room for almost any high protien/mid fat/mid carby item.....but, I really don't think I can eat another SOLID bite. (One benefit of the Eggies - they are light and soft). 

This is really going to require a SERIOUS reworking of how I think about food - what I palce values on. After the years of lowcarbing, and the deeply ingrained resistance to fat  - it's - interesting - actually eating - right. Yummy, too.

---

So - one other thing that I have picked up on pretty quickly to judge a food/meat.  Anything I get - fat grams need to be half of either carb grams or protien grams. So - for instance, when I was grocery shopping yesterday - it was EASY to figure out what kind of sausage I needed to get - the one with 12 g of P and 6g of F!  The same goes for almost everything - it should either be carb heavy, or protien heavy, and light on the fats. In addition, that insures that my ratios are always good - if I reduce the serving size, I reduce the ratio at the same time. 

Umm - what else have I learned on this first day of eating healthy and consiously. The food tastes pretty damn good - though the salads will be better when it's home grown veggies in them. I don't have to deny myself (of much - chips, I've totally sworn off of, as well as fast food - but dammit, that's just eating HEALTHY).  I think my hair is going to grow faster - between the vitamins and the protien! Oh! The vitamins - I totally scored at the grocery store and found two bottles of CHEWABLE Centrum! How cool is that? So - I've been taking one of those right before I brush my teeth. 

Hmm - what else? My horoscope today seemed to have good words for me: 

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, July 5:

Once you firmly commit yourself to change, you'll take off in your new direction as if you had rockets strapped to your feet. So what are you waiting for? Get to that launch pad and start the countdown, already.

 

*grins* I'm jsut waiting for my keycard! Okay - honestly, even if I get it tomorrow, I not going to GO til Monday - but I WILL work out on Sat and Sun on the Gazelle while hubby is at work. Or - maybe I'll walk up to the community center, and see what sort of stuff they have going on up there.

Monday Weigh-In

Starting weight: 246
Last week's weight: 243
Current weight: 238.5
This week's loss: -4.5
Total loss: 7.5
STG: 220
LTG: 140

Amazing!!! Wow! Ummm - I'm just so happy about the loss! Let's see - I'll be working (hard) around the house today, and going grocery shopping to be sure that I have everything I need to eat clean - period!

Looking forward to the rest of the week!!

Utter, and complete, Insanity....

See, I KNEW I was crazy!! That whole long, angsty diatribe about my husband yesterday? We were at home, talking about something (I think it was the lack of eggs in the house) and jsut naturally it started flowing - I explained that I wanted to start eating healthier and exercising, and I had been talking to a few friends of mine who gave me pointers, and that I wanted to be sure that our grocery list relfected that.

Sooooo bloody easy. He was down with us eating healthier, but so totally not interested in the P/C/F breakdowns that I have to do. As I explained to him - you, really only have 20 (he negotiated me up to 25) pounds to lose - and considering how EASILY you lose weight - you don't have to be NEARLY as strict as I do! so!! That was soooo simple!

Anyhow. I think that (as usual) I'm taking things in too big of chunks! I need to remember that this is just the start, and I don't have to be PERFECT from the beginning - I just need to make my best effort. And as long as I'm making my BEST effort, I'm going to get better, and better, and better - and soon, I'mma be the poo, and others will just have to take a big whiff.

So - now here comes the fun! Figuring out the food - as well as a way to figure out foods WITHOUT driving myself utterly bonkers. I think I have some recipe calculating software tucked at home somewhere - and I'll definitely be using this : Google Spreadsheets so that I can keep track of stuff both at work and at home without having to use my iPod as a portable drive. 
I've been looking at body builder websites (because they have diets that are closest to mine) but - those men (mostly) are INSANE!! Chicken breasts and canned tuna seems to be about all they eat - almost no fats! I'm SUPPOSED to get 100g of fats, and I plan on enjoying each and every gram!! Also - they tend to stick to very American recipes - I LOVE eating from all different cultures (and plan on having MUCH sashimi - I mean, it's PURE low fat protien, but dished out in an amazingly yummylicious way) and I KNOW that other cultures will ahve high protien/low fat/med carbs foods that I will enjoy and appreciate. I'm already plotting on how to make my own pita bread for lunchtime sandwichs - in my mind, loaf bread REQUIRES a spread to make a good sammich - but pita bread doesn't.
This whole diet - and my recipes - are going to be about making food that is quick, healthy, yummy, and helps me lose weight. Really, except for the losing weight part, isn't that what MOST of us want in our daily diets? And I honestly don't think it's difficult - it's just not been properly RESEARCHED. *wide grin*  
For example - I've already come up with breakfast - I'm going to cook  3 egg whites, and 1 egg - well salted & seasoned - into 4 little rounds about the size of a McMuffin. 1/2 oz of cheese sliced into two pieces (or even less) and two sausages, or ham, or chicken, or bacon - or whatever kind of meat, and a smear (I'm think 1/2 tbls) of jam. Yummy, filling, doesn't feel the LEAST bit depriving, and has: 364 cals, 43g P, 17g F, and 5g C. Most of the carbs come from the jam, and most of the fat comes from the sausage - oohh!! I wonder what the playout would be if I replaced the sausage with a breakfast patty, MorningStar style?? Hmmm... it drops the protien by 4g, drops the fat by 3g, and UPS the carbs by 7g! I think I'll stick with the real stuff - esp considering I'm SUPPOSED to be getting 20g of fat a meal - that's actually a little low - but that means that I could cook the eggs in butter!
But - that's going to be brekkie most days - I can switch out bacon, or just some cheese - or whatever I want in the middle. It's something that can be made ahead of time, will freeze well, pops in the microwave easily, AND is easier to consume (at least for me).
I need to work on similiar ideas to that for ALL of my meals - I want to do this for the next week during the week, so Friday I can go and get anything fresh that I need for meals for the next week, and then Sunday I can cook.  As time goes on, I'll develop recipes I love, stuff I hate, and I'll figure out how to mix and match things well. I'm NOT going to learn how to do this without actually DOING it. And since I'll be doing it, I'l be able to spread it over a longer period of time, and it WON'T be quite so overwhelming. 

I am crazy sometimes - way tooooooo inside my head, and stubborn. Here's to change!