be self defeated. I will not expect things to happen instantly. I will not allow not seeing the success that I want now to give me a reason to give up - if I give up, I'll NEVER see the change that I want.
Instead, I'm going to challenge myself more. I'm going to push a little further, a little harder, a little stricter.
I'm seriously - sweet mother of god - seriously considering going back on Atkins. At this point, I feel like I have the physical activity side DOWN - I'm working out at LEAST 3 times a week (on a bad, bad week) and at BEST 5 days a week. I'm doing cardio AND weightlifting. I'm - I'm doing that right.
Eating, on the other hand? Meh! Gah! Ugh! I'm eating SO horribly - I'm eating REGULARILY - which is certainly a change from how I normally ate, but WHAT I'm eating? *shudder* I hang my head in shame, seriously. And - okay, maybe I don't need to go as strict as Atkins, but I HAVE to set up a 'plan' around food. It's so much easier for me to exclude than it is to include - which isn't a good thing, but it's me.
Umm... I need to copy this rant/thought stream on working out/losing weight here - it gives a general view of how I'm feeling....
My ass is still - wide (hah! it hasn't been not-wide since I was 6!) but - I'm actually starting to ENJOY working out more. I can't say that I look FORWARD to it - there's always a little debbil sitting on my shoulder, asking me in sweet sweet tones whether I would really PREFER to go home and crash on the couch and burn my brain away with television - but once I get there, and once I get changed - it's - it's - good. I'm enjoying challenging myself (dammit! forgot to bring in the 8 pound weights from home!), seeing myself progress (I did 40 minutes on the treadmill Wednesday - and not 40 lesiurely minutes either - 40 sweaty, heartpoiunding, felt funny walking once I got off the treadmill and sucked down a bottle and a half of water minutes - and I felt GOOD - 2 months ago, I was sucking wind through 12 minutes!) - but..... I'm not seeing the changes in my body that I want to. Now, I KNOW that because I'm doing some serious weightlifting, that I'm going to get bigger before I get smaller, and I'm going to gain weight before I lose it, and I'm NOT doing this to see instant results - I'm doing this to be better and faster and stronger....but all I'm saying is that when I get measured week after next, if I haven't lost at LEAST 2 inches overall (which ain't much - really, that ain't much at all) I'm going to leave, buy an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's, and eat it with delighted, luxorious slowness - and then, take my ass right back to the gym to the next day.
The thing that scares me - the real devil lurking in the back of my head - is that the reason that the weight is creeping off so very very slowly is that there is something 'wrong' with me - PCOS, hypothyroidism, pre-diabetes, and that I'm simply sick, and I'll never be able to get knocked up without many rounds of fertility drugs and I'll be fat ALL MY LIFE.
But then, I have to remind myself - I'm SO not eating as cleanly (or as much protien) as I should be, and that I didn't gain it all in 2 months (more like 20 years) (okay, okay, 10 years), and I'm not going to lose it all in 2 months, and I can't be impatient because it's a slow gradual thing, and because most of my clothes are sacks anyway and I haven't worn pants in months (I've worn pants twice since it's gotten colder and they feel - ODD on me) so I don't haveany thing with a 'tight' waistline to compare my waistline too because I'm still too fat to even dream of trying on any of my skinny clothes and therefore I could be changing and I wouldn't even know it because the scale LIES and.......................
And I have muscles in new places and I can run up and down the steps a couple of times without losing breath and I'm stronger and can open bottles and hammer nails and drive screws without feeling like my hands are going numb and I'm sleeping better and I feel sexier and I think I actually have a metabolism now and it's slow - and it's minor - and I can't see it on my ass (yet) but I know it's coming. It's gotta be coming.
I've never looked forward to someone wrapping a measuring tape around my ass THIS much before in my life.
nbsp;
No comments:
Post a Comment