Saturday, May 29, 1999

The Trip (Parts 1, 2 & 3)

The entries for May 29 - 31 were written while on the trip and posted on the second (hopefully) of June


May 29

*deep breath* arg, Okay...the trip here was cool. I didn't expect that the drive would be as enjoyable as it was. I haven't really talked to other women for a while. We talked about everything from sex roles to politics to hypothetical 'what-if' scenarios. As I rode, I grew more comfortable, spilling my guts about what I have been. Who/what I was. It was nice to be able to bullshit. I was awake for most of the trip...the two sisters in the back slept. I didn't really mind, but I had to give it up around 4:30am. I woke up around 5ish...feeling much much much better and watched the sun rise. So lovely...I wasn't nearly as nervous anymore for some reason. I think it is the fact that I am FINALLY actually HERE!

The women we are staying with have a GORGEOUS house... I want to have a house like this when I graduate....and fill it to the brim with friends...sometimes. *sighs* I HATE being slow/late/whatever. and I absolutely DESPISE unreliable people. *SIIIGGHHS* I KNEW that I should have left around 10 like I planned on it, but.....*sighs* I shouldn't have listened to her. Now I am waiting for them to finish eating...I can't eat cuz I'm all tumbled and grumbled inside. *sighs* Ah well... I wasn’t able to get the rest of his gift so I will have to do that later.....I'm going to go outside and take some pictures here. dammit. I hope he doesn't leave.


May 30

So finally we left..and Finally I got there.. and *grins* merciful goddess he was stilll there. Hm. How/what to say? It wasn't strange or uncomfortable at all. It was just me and CAK talking. Face to face. finally. It was different, but still the same somehow. It was...weird. We went around..seeing various DC & DC metro sites. Touching....holding...him raining kisses across my back and on my arms like blessings. The chemistry was...without a DOUBT still there. After a While I couldn't/wouldn't look him full in the face while I was in front of him .... knowing that I would simply HAVE to kiss him. So we wandered about for the longest, stopping in stores and browsing and in general doing the whole tourist thing. Then we kissed in the bookstore and it was...amazing...It was so right and so fragile and *sighs* I felt like I fit him..he fit me. I had mostly (shame on me....more about that later) forgotten about my friends as we returned to his car and did just some little things *grins* but....DAMN! It wasn't really explosive like new...it was explosive like old...like something that is so amazing that it is right everytime whether it be the first time or the last. It wasn't a singular hot thing. It was a banked, steady steady fire...but still no less powerful.

*sighs* I loved the day....and wished that it would not have to end. But I knew that each moment I stayed out longer I was digging myself a deeper hole that *yeech* I would have to climb out of. *sighs* I hate being in the wrong. and I hate being unable to compose my apology. Hm... I will..as soon as the three....no four of us are together I will speak. God.. I hate being pulled between friends...I am supposed to call him today....but since these women don't even HAVE long distance....& I most likely will be out all day...he may have to wait until I get home. *sighs* Here they are.....here goes nothing.
Dammit....jazziness is NOT easy.
Well... that wasn't too bad. I cried as I always do when I am truly in the grip of something big...& bad. But my apology was accepted. I realized that saying ' I'm sorry' and apologizing are two very very different things.....But we are off....off to see alll the wonderful Gay People... Black Pride.... here I Commmmeee

May 31

Okay.... *grins* My first black pride!!! It was great..amazing.. wonderful & beautiful to see so many gay/bi/les same gender loving people.. I mean I KNEW we were out there....but it was soo good to see so many of us together. I'm sorry that I didn't have time to write yesterday during the day or once we got back, because there were so many things that I wanted to say but because of sleep/drink and general exhaustion I have lost alot of the little things that I wanted to say....but some things to note..

1) Why is it that gay men..when totally 'out' seem to be so free, unfettered by mainstream society rules, but limited at the same tie by their own?

hell Nevermind.... It is really strange being bi around gay friends. You share half of their interests (or they share half of yours as the case may be), but they and you remain totally confused about the rest. And oddly enough (or not so oddly) sometimes you simply WANT to be around folx who can understand and appreciate the double whiplash from watching a fine man and a fine woman walking down the street in opposite directions. I wished that CAK were bi, because it was odd being THIS close to him, and not being with him. I don’t know what's up with that.. the whole me & him thing. I mean goodness.. I DO love the child with all my heart...but I can/can't see us as being more than friends. I don't know. I am so turned off about relationships because I still don't know what I want. Man woman old young... *laughs* I'm taking the cowards way out and saying FUCK it... I want it alll. Also.. I hear how he talks about his ex's, and I don't ever want to be spoken of like that. And I KNOW that eventually I WOULD be an ex..because I am soooo not into monogamy right now. It would change too much..for no real benefit.
I'm running through things that I was thinking about earlier, but didn't have the time or access to my book to write down. It was crazy talking to him...because I felt like I was seeing double. The CAK that I had envisioned, and the CAK that was actually THERE. I don't know...Sometimes the two would mesh perfectly, and other times...well so. Hm..anyway.. *thinks* I am jumping from thing to thing as I remember them and I won't change what I'm writing.


Hm. He was so.. *evil grin* responsive. I don't know..I have never met anyone so delicately sensetive..no fancy tricks just the slow stroking of his side or neck and *sighhhhs* oh so lovely. Sometimes I wonder if I could ever be THAT responsive or whether my natural withdrawing would prevent that. I realllly do wish we had more time & space. I asked him to come up with a safeword....because I NEED to know when he truly wants me to STOP and when he is saying 'no' but means 'oooh lord yes'.

hm. We are waiting for AV (the driver) and the occupants of the house to come back so we can get on the road. I think that I will go outside and wander for a bit..but until I come back....

Stay Jazzed.

Friday, May 28, 1999

Rhythm of the Night

Actually I know what it is. I’m scared. I’m afraid that because we have gotten this close without actual contact….us, both who are very contact driven people.. that when we actually DO make contact we will never be able to let go. *sighs&grins* Like the girl with the golden goose. As soon as you touch it you are stuck… and there is no use it trying to escape. *sighs* and I don’t know if I want to do that to myself…be in that kinda love again. And… oh boy. This will be interesting. To put it mildly.

I have changed my mind. The lips & the TONGUE are the sexiest parts of the human body.. and skin..ummmmm skin…. *sighs* hm. *sighs*&grins&licks her lips*

Ever hear the song ‘ Pride…a Deeper Love’? I love that one too…

Pride a deeper love
Pride a deeper love
Pride a deeper love
Whoa whoa whoa whoa
People keep on moving…
I work hard night and day…
Tell the truth…
It ain’t easy…
But I got bills to pay…
*something something something*
Welfare I don’t need
Slipping Standing
No back stabbing
Cuz I’ve gota deeper love
A deeper love
A deeper love inside
I’ve got a PRIDE
A deeper love…


We did a dance to that one too… *thinks* yeah these are songs from UB…. That last wild summer. I was my skinniest EVER that summer… or the summer of 97….either one. I danced my ASS off….was in FOUR different dances.. and had a solo part. *grins* that god my lapa didn’t fall off.. I think I would have sank into the stage….

What else?
Everything must change…

Pride… a deeper love…

100% Pure Love…

*dances out to lunch*

Jazz! *ends with a flourish*

So Long.. Farewelll

People can really really REALLY be idiots sometimes. (I’m taking Tuesday off as a holiday Darwin!) okay..today’s examples of idiocy.

1) Road Rage… two different stories related by my co workers of people getting SO enraged on the expressway hat they swing in front of the person who was bugging them (on the EXPRESSWAY..going ohhhh 70-90 mph) and slam on the brakes. Now…. There are a few possible results and only one (the person slammed on is a good enough driver to avoid an accident) is even remotely good. The rest are bad bad bad…and increase the number of possible deaths. But.. let’s say you really don’t GIVE a damn about the other folx.. why the HELL would someone try to rearrange the contours of the back of their car in such a manner? Whiplash anyone?

2) I work in a credit card company.….we send out occasional letters that inform people that somehow..something is about to with their account..limit going down….APR going up (nothing really good) Why… oh why…. Do people not write back and opt out (yup.. we give them chance) but instead wait until faaarrr after the deadline and THEN write an irate letter because we did just what we told them two months ago that we were going to do? Idiots Idiots Idiots.

*sighs* okay.. I just HAD to get those out. I mean… *shakes head* We…as individuals can be brilliant, amusing, funny, kind & loving. But as a race *rolls eyes* we are STUPID. The mean (in the mathematical sense) of us pullls everyone down.

*sighs* Not long now…. Oh my god… I am about to go for almost four days WITHOUT access to a computer of any type. Hm. I packed my black journal and I will have to ‘borrow’ some pens from work so I will be able to write down what I’m thinking and feeling in DC/MD. I mean.. I’m going to be meeting CAK for the FIRST (and hopefully not the last) time, going to my FIRST Pride Celebration…going on my FIRST road trip *grins* I’m acting like a college student! Really! Really! I am.

4:00p.m. I have an hour left. What shall I do? Hm… I think I’ll make a gift for CAK. I wanted to send him this a while ago.. but I never did. *thinks* I wonder if I will ha e enough time tog et the other part of it?? *frowns* well… it is SOMETHING to do… and if I can’t put it all together before I get down there.. I will just give him this part of it. I made one for myself a looonnnng time ago…. And as I made it I designed one for him too, but could never find the perfect backing.

4:29p.m. Okay.. I’m just starting but it will be lovely… *grins* I hope….trying to clean off my desk…chat with co workers… and create at the same time is NOT an easy thing *grins*

Okay… I’m shutting down the OD so I can focus… *sighs* *grins* I will be back..but while I’m gone….you can bet your BOOTY..that I will….

Stay Jazzed

Sun...lights...up...the Sky.

Sooo.. I’m sitting at my desk cold, paranoid.. slightly terrified and utterly out of order. Wow. Tomorrow… *grins* I mean I know other folx have met other diarists but this going sooo far. *laughs* me & CAK are more than just other diarists.. god. Why? Okay…
1) cold…office. Men. White men. Yes..they DO have a lower air temperature requirement than I do.
2) Paraniod..mainly because..well we have a wonderful friendship.. I don’t want to stop it in it’s tracks…. But I don’t want to ruin it by pushing to far. *sighs* I don’t know….I have occasionally THOUGHT about being WITH CAK….but I KNOW it wouldn’t work. We are too different and too much the same. *grins* and there is NO way I could survive in a LDR, *grins* I like… I NEED affection…touch… (SEX) too much for that. And he is… *sniffs* about to move to CALIFORNIA?!?!?!?!?!?????? So.. I’m urghhy.
3) Terrified? See above.
4) Out of Order? *humph* I feel like everything is everything or nothing at all. I’m making no sense what so ever but.. goodness. I realize I’m not going to be talking about too much else for the next few days, so bear with me. And I’m tired. God.. I was really going somewhere there and it just *shlooop* slipped out of my head.


Anyway….. Q came over last night. *laughs* I told him before he could get the job he had to submit to an examination…. I must say he passed with flying colors. *shakes head* I have never seen such an incredible display of self control in ALL of my life. Umph. Even I’m not THAT good…but I like him. He is…….a lot different from what I expected.. and he has a simply LOVELY body.. *shakes head* umph umph umph….and… he is.. I don’t know…. I guess I had/have an idea of what jail birds are.. and he doesn’t fit any of the molds. *sighs* hm. And he is so… open about his experiences in there.. it makes him… intriguing. So I’m kinda sleepy now…but hopefully I will be able to sleep in the car on the way to DC (since I can’t drive…at all) and I will be fresh & rested & stuff once I get there. *grins* I am supposed to be hooking up with so many folx.. *shakes head* this really will be amazing… My First Road Trip. *pats bag* and I have a good supply of lube & film to record every moment.

Thursday…things weren’t the same…(*hums Mary J’s song*)

Okay.. the songs in my head are so sappy.. considering how much of a hopeless romantic I am not. But.. god…. It’s weird because I have this song in my Head that I associate with MJW (I’m still not sure why) and for my first few years of college it would ALWAYS make me cry…. I still don’t know you actually originally sang it, But I have a version by Randy Crawford…my favorite verse(s)

Everything must change…
Nothing stays the same…
Rain comes from the clouds…
Sun lights up the sky…
Humming birds do fly (ay yay ay ay yay ay)

And sometimes…

Music makes me crrrryyyyyyy.

*shakes head* the MOST beautiful song I have ever heard. Anybody know who it’s by? I need music money. I need book money. I need moonnnneeey…….

The main problem with getting involved with your best friend? Who do you talk to about your relationship?? *laughs* oh god. I don’t know. I don’t know…..okay.. I SWEAR.. I’m going to stop harping on it now.. really I am. I need to go do some work…I wish these jumbo jets in my stomach would land so that it would be easier to….

Stay Jazzed

Thursday, May 27, 1999

Stream of Madness

bored Bored bored.... don't wanna go upstairs.... I don't wanna grow up I'm a toys r us kid.. neverdid go shoping for tha dildo... can't really afford itanyway.. I wonder how long i will stay celibate...Q asked to bemy 'back door man' *giggles* he seems to be such a sweet heart.. tho he has a bit of a temper....he was in jail for amed robbery.....*sighs* he is a 5%'er..he doesn't have dreads.. i realized that i only like women with natural hair.. perms are icky to me somehow...and god knows ghetto hairdos are in serious need of some fashion sense... fashion. i need some new clothes.. i need to lose weight.. i am not buying anymore clothes until i lose more weight my...my mommy might take me shopping. i miss my mommy.. i miss my aunt.. i wsh she was still around.. SHIT.. i need to call my grandmother hmm hmmm hmmm need to buy a phone card I am the goodie box the goodie box queen the goodie box queen. i am the goodie box queen the goodie box queen I am.. i wonder if we will sleep together... i have to kiss him.. no matter what.. I wonder if I have choice will the chemistry survive... everything happens for a reason..they say.. i need more money...target hasn't called me back yet... swish thump swiwh thump swish thump....sleepy sleepy sleepy...swish thump swish thump swish thump..if it was cleaner outside of the laundormat i would lay on the ground and soak up the sun.... it's gonna rain on yo heeeeaaaddd.....nap? no at work......hm hm hm..... pre period time allways makes me sleepy OH SHIT. hmph. guess we won't be doing THAT then will we....ah well... saving the best for last or later... hm hm hm.....stream of consounes... more like a burble. .burble bubble waters in trouble.. .hmmmm... piee...*laughs* I love you.. you love me.. we're a happy family...seduction is a dangerous game....*sighs* damn i wish i was awake enough to write.....dammit to 'ell.

I'm off to see the Wizard...

*shakes head* Yeah.. I might just WRITE my entire work day away... but I have to get this out. I am SOOOO freaking nervous about meeting CAK. I mean.. *whoo* I don't know why.. I just am. I don't know.. I wonder if I am building up inside of myself some kinda fairy tale meeting ... and the actual reality of it will be so fr below that that it will disspaoint me. *sighs* I don't know. I want our meeting to be like our online coversations.. some friendly, some freaky, some funny, some serious... all of it in a almost perfect balance. And that is kinda fairy talish. *sighs* I don't knoooow. I wonder even more what he actully LOOKS like. I mean pictures are well & good and everything but.. *sighs* I don't know..... *laughs* I wonder what he will think of me.... will he be surprised? disaapointed? shocked? I mean... whooo.. we have 'known' each other for almost... damn.... has it been ONLY 3 years? *shakes head* I feel like I have known him fora lifetime and a half..... *sighs* okay.... I had to get that out.. I am REALLLY going to go and do some work now....

Enoguh work... more writing.... *sighs* Okay...goodness I am soooo sleepy.. I need to decide what I am going to wear. Sexy clothes or comfy clothes.. or maybe a little bit of both. I am going to totally Femme it this weekend, which means all dresses. Hmm.. I think I will take the long ones instead of the short. *grins* I feel more lovely in those...I'm going to go home..... changein tosome jeans...stuff abig full of stuffand go STRAIGHT to the launderomat. *yawns* ooohh goodness. hmm.. apprently I got outall of the realserious stuff early. Althought the Tale of the Trio wasn't really THAT serious. Humph.... Walk down memory lane is what THAT was.

Stay Jazzed

The tale of The Trio

Hm. Okay.. I'm about to go into some history... I haven't talked much about me & Nee & MJW...and for some reason I think I should. Perhaps just to give our history a semi solid place in my mind.

They called us The Trio, becuase if you saw one, the other two were either close behind or that one knew where they were. We were the BEST of friends...and some folx thought we were sleeping together too. But we weren't..were were just tight..brilliant and oh so cool.

It was the summer of 92, the summer after my freshman year in high school. My mother Refused to let me sit around the house and get fatter all summer, so she talked to my uncle who works in the school system and found out about this program called Upward Bound. We went to an interest meeting, and to say I was horrified would be putting it mildly. I was expected to LIVE with a bunch of other kids for six months of the summer, AND go to class? *YEECH* the only benefit that could have been gotten from this was the fact that it was held on a college campus, a BEAUTIFUL college campus, and I would be away from mom for a whole ten weeks. *sighs* plus...it was really cheap... so I went. At the final meeting before they sent us off into academic hell... my mther ran into one of her girlhood friends... they have lived right across the street from each other and they went into tales of the 'old neighborhood'. My mom's friend had her oldest child with her, a girl who LOOKED to be around 20.. maybe 21. She introduced me to her, and I was shocked when I found out that this made-up, too grown looking girl was ONLY 15, a year YOUNGER than me. Humph. And that was how me & Nee first met.

MJW was at the program too, trying to make himself more brillant and prepare for the next year of his Catholic School. *Sighs* I honestly DON"T remember how we met, and the first really clear memory I have was of me gazing at him *uttterly* crushed out as he was working on a computer. My roommate KNEW I was interested in the boy... and she did something remarkably stupid that forced me to talk to him. We talked... and we hated each other. *laughs* we actually argued evverytime the other opened his/her mouth. Somehow...me & Nee met him...and we started hanging out...at least for that first summer.

The school year after that, me and Nee got much closer.. and I THINK me & MJW tried to have relationship. *shakes head* He was a cold & closed off person then and I THRIVE on attention and affection. so clearly..the whole relationship thing just didn't work. But I was head over ears & heels in love. I was in love with him a couple of ways south of totally *laughs* god. it is sad & funny and amazing how much I loved him. *sighs* annnnyyyywwayyyy.... during that school year I lost my virginity. And even today.. I still wish that i could have lost it with him. *sighs* annnnywwaaayyyy...

The Next Summer at Upward Bound we really bonded....we managed to take all of our classes together, and managed to be the SMARTEST folx at the program. In ANYTHING academic.. one of us was at the top...and that was on the occasions that we didn't tie. Folx always accused us of cheating...and we took it on ourselves to separte ourselves while taking tests or whatever. And we STILL blew everyone else out of the water. Than is when they first began to call us the Trio. *laughs* UB (Upward Bound) had a quiz show program called Q-Up, and the most popluar matches were the ones in which we had to go against each other. *laughs* yet we STILL managed to blow everyone else out of the water. *sighs* That was the bonding summer....

Then... the NEXT school year.. *thinks* Me & MJW were still in our on again off again strange ass love thang... nee was whipping through the men like white on rice (have I mentioned that the girl is FIONE too??) and we managed to start a tradion of getting together at someones house.. usually MJW's and baking the sweetest... gooeiest.. high suger high fat high cholesterol chocolate chip cookies imaginable.... eating them alll and trpping off of our OWN sugar high. *laughs* and that brings me to our final summer.

We were seniors in Upward Bound. We were bad-asses in general. We were so tight it made our teachers MAD at us. *laughs* SO we set for ourselves a final challenge. We would do EVERYTHING offered that last year. And STILL manage to get the best grades and be MVP's in Q-UP. Okay.. maybe you aren't understanding what we were doing. acadmeically were were going through a 16 week curriculum in 10 weeks. Taking *thinks* Chemistry, Algerbra 3, Trig/geometry, Latin, Advanced Honors English (a class of 8...guess who three of the 8 were?), Biology, and Spanish. in additon, we still had to study for Q-Up, and we were tutors for the lower level classes. Okay.... on TOP of that... we were all in Dance, the poetry group, the choir, photography, and the volunteer T/C (tutor counselor group) MJW & Nee were also doing step (which I STILL can't do), and I was in a Creative Arts class. Okay.... so say we were some BUSY ass people was puttig it mildly... becaue not only did we plan on DOING all this.....we wanted to be the BEST that had everdone it. That is when we created our call & Response..... someone would say *rolling tongue* TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOO! and the other two would respond " WE LATTTTTTTTTTE!!!' *laughs* we were always running from one side of the campus to the other..doing something. *grins* We got away with more stuff -staying out after curfew .. MJW chillin! in the girls dorm...us chillin in the guys dorm..stuff that got other folx kicked OUT of the program...but no one.. not even the other students minded. *laughs* During the awards show that they have at the end of the year.... They told the three of us to walk up on stage, and we were up there for at LEAST 15 min as they presented us with all the awards we had gotten. *smiles* I think that was the high point of my acadmeic/social career.


*shakes head* We were....amazing. I think that they still are... He just graduated with a degree in Nursing.... She graduated pre-med and got accpeted to a pretty good Med School in PA. Me? *sighs* I'm here.... not dong much it seems.... *shakes head* I don't know.... I feel like they are blazing stars...and I am a bottle rocket. We were utterly brilliant & wonderful & beuatiful and I think they still are, while I have tarnished into something so NOT Trio.... I don't knnow if I even wanat to be. I was always the hub of the Trio.. *laughs* Nee & MJW rarely talked during the school year, but I was always in touch with the both of them....and I wonder if I have tarnished .. will the Trio fall apart? Or will it becom the Duo... of them two?

She talked to MJW a few days ago. He said that he wasn't mad at me.. nor did he hate me... nor did I do anything to him.... but he was just having a hard time in school so he decided to focus on his studies and forget about keeping in contact with folx. *frowns* I have to accpet that as true.. but still. shit. email takes a couple of minutes. I don't know....maybe I'm too sensetive.... I heard from Nee on occasion..enough to know that she was still alive & having a hard go of it, but doing well. *shakes head* I think that says something about the level of the friendship that I thought we (me & MJW ) had....hm. well... I need to go and do some work now..so

Stay Jazzed.

Summer Timmmmme

Okay.... I am officaillly as of today a Cosmo Ho. *grins* that magazine is simply OUTRAGEOUS. I have learned more things about men & sex from reading it than I could have ever come up with.. I mean some stuff is obvious (men like to get head in odd places) but some things.... whhhoooo wheeeee. I don't think I can talk about them in this Family place. annywwayyy...... I bought a cosmo on my way home because I KNEW that i had to wash clothes today.. I mean it is bad enough I am 'on' , but having to wear funky clothes too? umm no! MY ass would have had to stay HOME. So.. I fianly broke down and washed some clothes. It actually isn't THAT bad...The place was almost empty.... so I was in and out in under an hour..But....while I was thre I got officaily introduced to summer. My first mosquito bite. High on my right shoulder..... and I killed my first mosquito...slighly lower on the same arm. Damn things. Anyhow.. I guess it was partially my fault because I was floozing in this white strappy dress.... showing just TOO much of my sweet skin. But I was testing it to see if I should/could wear it this weekend (or the red one just like it..) I don't know..depends on how bold/sassy/sexy I feel. *laughs* Men in this city are funny.... show a lil cleave and a lil skin (it doesn't matter WHERE) and have big ass and you can eaaasy stop traffic. or cause accidents. *laughs* Sometimes I Wonder if I am scared to lose weight. I mean.. *sighs* I have a big ass and big breasts now.. and something tells me that while my legs and my tummy may get smaller my ass and my tits are gonna stay just about the same size... and THAT.. my faithful readers. is scary... *looks down * I mean these monsters over whelm ME sometimes and I have been living with the for a while.. if there was less of ME and the (or close to the) same amount of them I may have to make a GOOD deal of my friends unhappy and get part of them removed. as for the back.. umph umph umph.. I plan on ALWAYS staying stacked....

umph umph umph... I am trying to decide how much.. if at all I'm gonna seduce CAK this weekend... *grins* damn. *sighs* I don't know what is polite in such situations.. I am getting a ride to DC witha group of Gay women ..to go to gay Pride.. and I am gonna dump them all for a day for a man... *laughs* This could get intersting...anyhow.. I need to find a good gift for one of our hossts... *thinks* actully all of our hosts are straight (last I knew) so... hmmm I don't know..sex & politics & lesbians are like......synonoumus sometimes.... here I go again with my bi-ness. *thinks* If I was all-the-way-gay would I worry about what they would think about me going to meet a guy? most likely not.. but would I even be INTERSTED in meeting him?? *sighs* I don't know.. I suppose it depends on whether or not I come back to the house looking well.... welll.... well like I got some and got it GOOOOOD. *grins*

Anyhow.. I might try some of my newly used cosmo Ho techniques... tho.. I don't know... I have been getting along just fine without.. *groans* lord lord loord..... I think I talk about sex too much. I have sex on the BRAIN. *thinks* I'm gonna sit here right now and figure out how long it has been. *thinks* okkkkaaayyyy.. I only do the wild thing on the weekend. I KNOW I didn't get any last weekend... C ws here... *thinks* the weekend before that Donna was here (didn't get any) the Weekend before THAT.... hmmm...can't remember what I did... but i know what I DIDN'T do.. *sighs* shit.... it has been at least TWO months.... umph umph umph.... okay....I'm gonna stop know and play some games or something. *sighs* I willl be back tommorow... until then...

Stay Jazzed.

Everything Must change

Whoa. Incredible how things can change,and your eyes can be opened to new things in such a short amount of time..days minutes seconds... folx lives can change... or....even more amazing. they can stay utterly the same. Whatthe hell am I talking about?? Oky, I'm not going to be totally coherent, because I am trying to remember what I wanted to write last night but ccouldn't because my hands were full of hair (my hair. yes we are on hair again) I was twisting my hair, talking to CAK & Q...and writing in the OD at the same time simply was NOT gonna happen.

Ok, I told CAK who/where I was...why?? Hmm..that is a kinda long story.

Okay.... about a month or so ago, when me & my mom were on the phone on a regular, she told me that she was worried about me, becaue I haven't been sounding really happy on the phone. She said that every time she got off, she wanted to call back and be sure that I was okay. *shakes head* I couldn't understand WHY she was worried. I mean I have relatively cool job, a lovely house, money (enough) and I am set in my ways... pretty much so. Life is good. Yet she said that I sounded Depressed... *sighs* and I told her then.. I feel FINE. Since then, every time she calls I can hear a little bit of... I don't know.. worry in her tone.... *sighs* Somehow I DO believe that is why she wants to come down here. To be sure that I am really OK.

Next part.... yesterday, before I left work Icalled Nee. *grins* She isn't coming down untilthe fourth, which means while Iwon't be able to meet Q in privacy *wiggles eyebrows* before then.. I WILL be able to go to DC and meet CAK... *whoo HOOO* annnyhooow.... we were on the phone for a while and she was like.. Jazz..what's wrong? You sound..... depressed. And I snapped on her. *sighs* for no reason really.. but it was just the fact that dammiit! I FEEL FINE! annnyway.... she was kinda quiet and then she was like ooookk! I will leave that one alone. But the reason I snapped was because it kinda freaked me out.. I mean the two people who know my voice the BEST (if I was still talking to MJW he would have most likely said the same thng) said that I sounded..well depressed. *sighs* Fine. So as I was leaving work, I sent a quick message to CAK saying... I think I'm depressed...but dammit I feel FINE' . I know he has suffered from depression so he might... I don't know..be able to tell me something or clear stuff up. *sighs* So I go home.. and I am in a TOTAL funk. *shrugs* I don't know... I was thinking about it now. I haven't been eating or sleeping noramlly... I have certainly withdrawn from people... *sighs* and a whole bunch of other stuf that I KNOW are classic signs of depression. SO anyhow.. I go home.. and start talking to CAK... he asks me what was up and I tell him. *frowns* As I was telling him about how I have bee n withdrawing from people..... I realized that in a way I was withrawing from HIM. I was doing the same thing that MJW had done to his friends.. puling away little pieces of himself for no apperent reason. ANd I don't want to do that.... I feel comfortable enough with him (sometimes) to tell him everything..soo.*sighs* and so.. I made him PROMISE me that he would never ask about anything I said in here.. or question me... cuz like I said in the beginning... I might say something here one day and not mean it the next and I really DON"T want to have to think about what I'm saying.... so. That is how it has eneded up. Hm. *shrugs* I don't know.... It is cool. *grins* I nevver really wanted to NOT tell him.. but I didn't want to have to put myself in the position of explaining myself. anything. Nor did I want to worry about hurting his feelings if I wrote something that was... less than complimentary shall we say? hm. Annnyhooow..... that is how it has ened up. *smiles* okay

But....after I told him, I started reading through my diary again, and I realized that I had made quite a few references TO depression.... sayin things like... I don't want to be depressed.. and I know that is a sign of depresion.. *Sighs* I don't know. It's not that I'm in denial.. (if I AM suffering from it) it is just that I DON'T want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with ANYTHING... I want to crawl into a little corner and hide. *sighs* is that another sign? So... I went to some website that CAK gve me and found out that I hav e had 7 of the 10 major symptoms of depression for at least 2 months... maybe as many as 7 (since November). I thnk that it first started happening while I was at HTech. *thinks* I had crying spells and bouts of suicidal thought s then too. *sighs* *frowns* which is rather odd for me. But... *shrugs* hey Life really really SUCKED then. A chemical imbalance in the brain. Dammit but I HATE drugs. But.... I need to get this looked into before I start school. Something tells me that acadmeics & depression don't go together. *sucks teeth* Shit. I feel freaking FINE. I mean if I didn't.... how could I have possibly managed to....

Stay Jazzed.

Wednesday, May 26, 1999

Blah Blah Blah

Okay.... I will write down the diaries on a little sticky...Post It thingy so that I can keep track of who I am reading.. everytime I turn around (or go to the main page) someone else grabs my attention and I'm hooked. *grins* The wonder of words.

*sighs* I want totalk to someone....but no one is onloine. I will call Nee around 3, cuz I have to leave this computer and go back to my real desk then. So I will be able to find out justhow much I can do & when & where. Although, when I go down there for pride.. I will be kinda short on cash. *sighs* Between rent & paying my mom back for the dressers my entire paycheck (which I JUST got today) is gone gone gone. Ah welll... the pain and promise of Cash.

Now I am sleepy.... COld & sleepy and full....hmmmmmmmmmmm..nap......

Black Butterfly.....

I have had these whisps of a romantic story floating thru my head for a few days now. All I know is it involves a man, a woman, hair and a tender kind of love. I have a fixation on hair, if you haven't noticed that yet. I LOVE my hair, even though we tend to have differences of opinions on some occasions about just HOW it should be handled... but it is mine. Beautiful, (mostly) natrual and all mine. Not that I won't get braids (extensions) put in at the drop of a hat, I'm not saying that at all.. I'm just saying that I respect my hair.. and it is an extension & expression of me. IT is thick and curly (like my body) yet wild and utterly unique (like my mind) annyhoow.. the story....the bits and pieces I have are more scenes than a story.. there is no plot, and really no storyline.. it is jus the musing of a man as he watches his woman move around the house, slipping into her natural self... converting from the outside woman to the home woman...and it peaks as she begans to take out her hair (the last piece of the transformation) He helps her with her hair..and they lay... connected somehow by the hair in all of its glory that she has.. *sighs* Then he helps her put it inot a home sytle... lovingly and gently...I don't know...maybe the story is more abouta shifting of attitudes from the daily stresses of work/lifeto the peace and tranquility that SHOULD be home. hmmm.... anyhow.... I can FEEL the story but can't quite seem to write it....maybe I will give it some time to grow.


I dreamed a ring yesterday. Or *thinks* I dreamed ABOUTa ring yesterday and now I am burning to find it. It was very simple, a gold ring witha smooth oval garnet in the middle of the narrow band.. The band flared just enough to go around the oval set stone (set the long way) and then narrowed back down. *sighs* I WANT that ring....now all I have to do is find it. For some reason I think that it might be a Tifffany's ring... but I'm not sure. *sighs* I need another job....or an inheritance..hmmm.... Tiffany's website doesn't have a e-catlouge... how... gauche. Ah well I will have to try to hunt down MY catalouge I already have at home. I really Really Really need to wash clothes before I go to DC. *sighs* I think I'm going because I don't think that Nee would be planning on moving down here THIS weekend and not have told me yet. That would be rude far beyond anything she has ever done... not to say that she is often rude but... *sighss* oh never mind.

I need to keep a list of folx whose diaries I want to read daily.. I always feel like I'm leaving someone out as I make my rounds... perhaps I will get up the nerve to start leaving regular notes....just so that they KNOW someone is looking....but I wonder if they care? I think that we all neeed a little encouragement at times...it helps you....

Stay Jazzed.

Tuesday, May 25, 1999

Sex & Cirumstances & Cassandra

I hate being so busy I don't have time to write. How ironic is that? I few days ago I didn't even CARE about writing daily, nd now it is a hopeless habit. Ah well... there are worse things to be hooked on.

Y2K & meetings.... god they seem to go hand in hand. It is kinda odd for me to be sitting in meetings dealing with Y2K preparation, considering that I won't even BE here during the Turn of The Century. Somehow I think that people will actually make it worse (as we always do). Everything MIGHT go smoothly, but somewhere panic will begin, and there will be a run on the banks, and looting, and then some vandal will hit a power supply station and things will spiral out of control. But had everyone stsyed calm, nothing would have occured... everything in fact, might have gone smoothly. Hey.. just call me Casssandra. That is why I plan to be as far away as humanly possible from masses of people. In a basement maybe, or hiding out in someone's remote cabin. Away from civilization, with a large supply of canned foods and burnable wood. I'm not asking for much now am I??

Ummmm.... salads are so wonderful.. I'm eating lighter (as in hardly anything at all), but that is okay because I will have the body beautiful come graduation. God knows... it can be at least one thing that I can accomplish under my own steam power. I haven't gone to the gym this week, because I have no clean gym clothes, because I haven't washed clothes, because I'm too damn lazy to do to the laundermat after work...and too relaxed and waiting for my furniture to go this past weekend. It is getting ugly people. *sighs*

OH! wonders upon wonders... I shall HAVE to go to inserrection and get myself a good sturdy dildo. (wonders if the DM will mind..nahhhh) Mind you, in the state of Georgia... (or Alabama for that matter) such things are to only be sold as a novelty item. I would like to meet the person who put THAT law into effect. Okay.... you seel this 12 inch long dildo with the optional anal plugs and vibro-rod (for that EXTRA sensation), and you thinksomeone is going to out this on their mantel as a conversation piece??? I mean we have come a looonnnnng way in sexual openess, but I really think that is asking a bit much of people. Really... but as a side effectof this law, the folx who work in the stores... (who trust me.. know more about sex and the toys thant I could EVER dream of ) are FORBIDDEN.... by law.. to talk about them. So I can't just walk into a store and say.. ' Excuse me, I'm looking fora little something to easse the stress of long work days and lonely nights...what do YOU recommned?? ' *sighs* see... you aren't supposed to USE them, so of coure you can't hear the wonderful story about the .lady who LOOOVED this model... and the 12 ladies who absolutely HATED the way THAT one felt. *sighs* Talk about virgin territory. I would take someone along.... but the only person I would feel comfy going dildo shopping with is in MD. And I really SHAN'T be going THAT far.... or maybe I will? humm... if I could get a reeally good one... I'm sure I willl go to sleep EVERY night feeling quite....

Jazzed.

Monday, May 24, 1999

Talk about FREEAKKKKYYY

arghh.. but it feels like this day has gone on forever. Having your usual assignment abruptly cahnged, along with having to shuttle from desk to desk is an intensely irratating thing. I don't work welll with eyes hovering over my shoulder. Especially when those eyes are not offfereing any useful advice or aren't busy at their own 'oh-so-important' work. No... I couldn't be a secretary for long.

Goodness.. I am sooooo horny. It is actully kinda sad....but I should get some relief tonight. Me and one of my sex fiends.. I mean friends... have set up an role playing agreement.... the Daddy/Baby Girl episodes. *sighs* tonight is supposed to be the first episode, but I don't know if he is going to show up. I'm kinda nervous for some reason.. and if he doesn't show up I will back out of it. But if he does... oh my oh me... but tonight maybe kinda interesting....I was going to wash tonight, but I think I willstay home and finsh cleaning my house first.
*laughs* I have so many opportunities for sex... but none ofthemreally light my fire... I wasn't really intersted in the Daddy person until he suggested these episodes, and as for C the re is absolutely NO chemistry.. and as for Q... hmm.... he offered to be my back door man... *rowwl* and I might take him up on that. I swear....I might just have to get used to the light skinned men...Talking about it makes it no better... so I willl go and try to fcus on my work... dear god only an hour left.. I should be able to ...

Stay Jazzed.

Love & Happiness

Good Morning all..... I had written some stuff yesterday, but I left it on my computer at home, so I will add it in later. But for today.... let's just say that the weekend was an aamusing one.. to put it mildy. My furniture is simply lovely.... and I have learned that the easiest way to squelch my libido is to wash my hair. Yup... a goooood hairwashing will calm down those hormones in no time at all.

Anyhow... I submitted a picture to this website for black folx called BV. (anonymous enough oh Great & Mighty DM??). The response that I got was quite overwhelming... and I have met a couple of rather cool people. This one guy (who will be referred to as Q. shades of ST:TNG) is a real nice guy..at least so far... intelligent (from the way he sounds) down to earth....not my type physically... (I like em TALLL DARRRKKK and THICK.. oh me oh my) but he seems really cool... *claps hands delightedly* a new friend... yipeeeeee. The fact that he was in jail for 5 years makes him kinda interesting too. He ... he seems like the kinda person that got sent to jail for going something utterly stupid and childish.. rather than for something malicious. He could have been selling..but I don't get that vibe from him. He has a job, and was in college so.... hm. an enigma here..

Speaking of Friends.... Nee emailed me.. *blushes* I got her graduation date all wrong and so she was mildly peeved... but she knows I love her anyhow.... *sighs* However she may be moving down here this weekend and if she does that puts a serious cramp in my whole DC Pride thing...did I mention that I was roadtripping it to DC for Pride? No....ahhh well yeah. And I was gonna meet CAK (actually I think I did mention this) and all that sort of wonderful stuff *whoo hooo* annnyhhooow.... if she moves down here this weekend, well... we will see each other on the 4th. of July that is.... *laughs* but then other firends will be here too... goodness.. I don't think there will ever be a time when it is just me & him meeting without either of us being distracted by other folx... ah well.

*laughs* He has this (CAK this is) irresistable charm that sucks women into like a black hole. Have you ever noticed how little boys always get love? He gives off that hurt little boy thing, yet at the same time he is a strong sensative remarakbly intelligent man, and women fall for him head over heels. He thinks that I am immune.. and in some ways I am. I love him madly truly deeply.. but I guess that is a whole nother thing. But my secret is as much as I love him, I tend to keep my mouth shut about it. *grins* yeah I will say I love you.. in a heart beat... but I can't let him know HOW much. He relies on me to be that impartial sitsalovafriend....and that I am. My heart justs holds him close....with him... even tho he DOES confuse me at times...With him as my friend...I can always

Stay Jazzed.

Sunday, May 23, 1999

Sweet Sade.....

I didn’t even talk about the job fair. It was kinda cool, the store seems like it will be an interesting place to work… a lot of team work and togetherness and all that. The store doesn’t open until the end of July, and so that gives me plenty of time to do my whole gym thing and get beautiful.. also.. I think that this might be a good job to have once I get back into school…. it will be interesting that is for sure..

Oh….. the guy yesterday?? C.?? He turned out to be a TOTAL gurb. What is a gurb? I goober like bamaish scrub that is what. *shakes head* so clueless and Smoothnessless it was a damn shame… I mean the man asked me if I wanted to play DOCTOR. I mean realllllllllllyyy… aren’t we a little old for that? Anyhow…. I figured out what it is…. he is friends with the dude from ‘Opps did I do that’ and apprently he thinks that he is gonna get a little bit of something something too… *snorts* as if. Like I said.. I MAY be a floozie.. but dammit I won’t fllllllloooooooozzze all over just anybody.

So…. other than that.. yesterday was a peach..today has been simply lovely…. I MAJOR thunderstorm swept through here and I sat on my back step mostly naked (wearing a sari-style wrap) freezing my ass off in the cold rain….. but it felt SOOOOO good. Made me nice and horny too…. nothing like a good rain shower to make a sista want a warm body next to her in bed. *sighs* ah well…. I’m about to go to bed so I can get to work on time tomorrow….as I sleep I will dream of a better sexy me….a me that will ALLLLWAYS be able to….

Stay Jazzed.

Saturday, May 22, 1999

The Dating Game

okay...sometimes I Just don't understand men. at all. in the least. At the same time I might not be giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I am assuming too much about him..not giving him a chance. Who? oh. The dude.. named C. he likes me *gags* ahh.. and I think that is the problem. He is honestly interested in me... as relationship potential and I am just so noooot into the whole dating thing. I have never dated in my life..and don’t really want to. I have made friends.... and the friends developed into something more.... sometimes faster than our friendship developed.. .but always AFTER we ad the friend bond. He is tying to do it the other way around. Meet me.. once.. me like I like you and I wanna get with you.. urgh. I mean.. to me.... it is odd to meet a woman once and decide that you might be interested in a relationship with her. Doesn't it take longer than that??? Now I know that I’m charming & wonderful & sexy and all that good stuff but dammmmnnnn..

Hmm.......talking to good friends makes life so much clearer.....

Me: hey CAK.... your girlfriends.. were they your friends first? or did you do the whole 'dating' thing?
Him: dating? D was a friend first. mostly the others, were dating...
Him: you? what about yours?
Me: all friends...
Me: I don't get the whole dating thing.
Him: why not?
Me: *shakes head* not sure..
Him: well for myself I do
Him: cause it's like... how do you know from dating that someone will end up caring about you? which is why you're together in the first place I hope. with a friend, it's easier to tell
Me: I mean..dates area way to get the person better... at the same time indicating that you might be interested in a relationship right?
Him: yeah... it makes no sense though.. you're right... cause it's like.... the intent is to have a relationship... but that's not a good way to start a relationship
Me: until I KNOW you pretty damn well.... I don't want to be in a relationship with you.
Him: I hear you... unfortunately, I haven't always worked my relationships like that
Me: so I have to be your friend first... cuz if I wouldn't be your friend without the thought of a relationship.. I don't want to be with you anyway..
Him: makes sense. that's how I should work my relationships from now on. that's how I’m trying to really. be friends with folk... then maybe be with them
Me: so.... who wasn't your friend first? if you don't mind talking about it and that relationship... I’m trying to figure something out..
Him: what are you trying to figure out?
Me: if C. is trying to date me. cuz if he is I'mma have to be able to set him straight nicely and clearly and so I’m trying to work out my urrgginess about dating.
Me: did that make ANY sense?
Him: it makes sense. is he trying to 'date' you?
Me: not sure.
Me: I think so though.
Me: after we went out the first time. *rolls eyes* he was like I like you.. I said okay..... and he was like can we go out again.. *frowns* I don't know.. it’s a odd vibe I'm getting from him..and since I have never dated I’m trying to figure out if he is trying to date me.
Him: but weren't you so sure that he wanted to have sex with you though?
Me: *rolls eyes* I ended up asking him straight out.
Me: he said he wants to 'cuddle' *raised eyebrow* he said he wasn't interested in intercourse but.. *shrugs* I'll take his word for it now.
Him: OK... here's my rule of thumb... if someone says "can we go out again" or "can I see you again", they want to date you. especially since you just met him. he's not trying to be your friend. he's either trying to get to know you better by dating you or he's trying to lick you between your thighs. he said he wants to cuddle and wasn't interested in intercourse? he actually said that? interesting... he meant to say that he wasn't interested in intercourse, yet :)
Me: *laughs* yeah.. that is what I heard too...
Me: *sighs* dammit... I don't like being 'dated'
Him: OK. someone you barely know told you the he wants to cuddle? yeah right... yeah right.... put it like this.... you and I didn't want to cuddle after we'd known each other for a couple of years....
what's wrong with being 'dated'?
Me: he wanted to 'cuddle' the first freaking time we went out and I looked at him like he was out of his damn mind..
Me: *shakes head* why put that much energy into someone I don't even know if I like as a friend yet?
Him: yeah... why do you cuddle with someone you just met? as romantic as I am, I’ve never done that.... he wants more. he's probably playing that role
Me: ummhmm... I HATE role playing. & games *rolls eyes* dammit.
Him: well look out for it. why won't he just say that's what he wants? to me, cuddling is something reserved for folx I care about. I don't cuddle too much with those I don't.
Me: an that is the other thing about dating.. he might be a perfectly cool guy who would make a GREAT friend.. but since we are 'dating and if that chemistry ain't there we would never know that we missed out on a great friendship
Him: and that's a great point. tell him that.
Me: *nods* yeah me too... cuddling is ONE thing I tend to reserve for folx I love/ am in a relationship with..
Him: but you know that some guys don't look for friendship from women... only relationship/sex

*smiles* I love him so much.. cuz he makes such wonderful sense sometimes.... So I will see him tonight... see if he is trying to date me.. and if he is.. I will be able to set her straight... *sighs* If he is trying to date me...and isn't even interested in friendship.. I don't think we will be able to

Stay Jazzed.

Friday, May 21, 1999

Friday Night....Just got Paid....

I'm not sure If I willb e writing this weekend. I might droo in right quick and eavea wonderful note of joy about my new furniture.. or a angry rejoiner about how the delivery folx messed up... but..... hm. I don't know.

I am not going ot the party tommorw.....tho I might gve this guy that I might be going out with tonight some... depending on how he acts.. *grins* Someone told me once that most women have no problem having sex with men... but th men do something so utterly disgusting or stuoid that the women are like hmmmm nah. nevermind!

*laughs* Sex... hm. what does it really really have to do with love? The two folx that I love the most who are according to laws and my own stomach, available to me.. I have never hd sex with. The person who to me, most of the time, is a convient penis to wrap myself around.... I MIGHT sniffle at his furnel. but that would be becaue he STILL owes me a hundred dollars. So what ist he connection? I have read amny a book that says that women were the first to associate sex wit hthe ideal of love... to make access to future generations dependent of just how well you treated, and how faithful you were to her. Now that some of us don't care anymore.. it has become a whole nother ball of wax. And it is really hard findng your own way thruogh the mess & morass that has become sensual expression. *sighs* EVERYTHING has been corrupted somehow.... even passion.
I am soooo tried. 50 minutes to go. This is usually the point when someone calls me. Or someone gets online that I can talk to. *groans* oooh.... and watch.. as soon as I leavet his builing I will be wide awake and raring to go... I was considering 'forgetting' that i had this 'date' tonigjt..butttttt....hm. I think I will 'remember' ifI have nough energy to stay awake..... sex when I am tired is an ugly ugly thing. 35 minutes to go. MY nipples are showing through my dress. Is that inappropiate for work? Do my nipples care? *grins* one of my friends has Happy Nipples (TM) anytimeso gets really really really enthused about something..her nipples pop up like little soliders. HELOO! We are HAAAPPPPPYYYY! *laughs* poor child... it is... kinda cute tho. I wish Ih ad bigger niples... consdiering my chest size... my nipples are far below par. *grins* the nipple benchmark. okay. I have to do some last minute stuff.... so If I don;t see you during the weekend..... I hope that you somehow...manageto ...

Stay Jazzed.

Beliefs & Mysteries

I haven't written a good essay in awhile....actually I haven't written too much of ANYTHING in a while. Little scraps of stuff, bubbling tot he surface, but...nothing serious. Nothing detailed or long winded orthat uses my wonderful vocabulary. I have been doing a heap of reading tho. Fiction & Non fiction, and that is a new one for me. I think that...i KNOW that I have the ability within me to write in wonder & amazement... my magic is in words.

hm. That is something that I can talk about... how I believe that each of us has a magic that will allow us to fully fulfill ourselves. If we deny that magic it's outlet, we stifle ourselves and the beauty that we hold. *sighs* Okkay.. I'm not saying this right....

As humans, we each havea single skill that surpasses most others. Some of us are blesse with more than one, but we ALL have one. For some, it is a wizardry with math... for others it is a way with people... for some it is music.. others art... others of the mind & some of the body. No matter how crippled in heart & soul we may be, we each HAVE this magic. NO one can take it from us, but we can stifle its expression. Okay.... when you use your magic is a healthy way, on a daily basis, your life becomes filled with joy & a sense of rightness. You are doing what you were created to do, and that fufills the mind, body & soul. Ever meet a person who just hates the world? Never gets a moment of joy from anything or anybody? they have stifled or someone has stifled for them, their magic so throughly that they have lost all joy. Those psychopaths that one meets? They have twiste their magic into something warped and ugly. Most ofthem get along with people well, and use that to harm others... pulling people into that web. *shakes head* It is odd writing down someting that has always beena resident belif with me, but I could never quite find a way to put into words.
I think that those people who are most fufilled, most joyful have found that spot that is theirs... that place inthe world where their magic works best for them. Hm, Perhaps if insetead of magic I called it Talent, it would make more sense. AH! It is like a river...hidden under the earth. As long as the river flows along ts right way, unrestricted or bound, all is well. But let something block the rivers path, or turn it away from it's streambed, and trouble appears on the earth. Things die, become stunted.... become hard. And if the river is turned away from it's right way for too long, it becomes fixed it that warped pattern... warping the earth as well. So.. the river is our Talent/magic, and the earth is us. How we feel about ourselves, how we realte to life... it is all reflected by how our talent flows.


I once told someone that if we compare a tree to itsef it is perfect. Nothing else can fit the space that the tree has made so well. At times I forget to apply this to myself. I always compare myself against some standard that is not....well me. How can I compare myself to that which is not me? *sighs* There is no bench mark for Jazzybelleness. So.. I am alewas comparing myselfagainst some vague unattainable THING.... that I couldn't be if I really wanted to bebecause that THING is not me. *sighs* NOT to say that I cannot change because I can... but... *sighs* another one of those vague beliefs that I hold on to but can't be explained very well. It is just understanding or not understanding. there is no middlestage.

I wish I could sleep with my eyes open... I am honestly too tired to

Stay Jazzed

Heal the World

Okay... sometimes my maddness when it comes to reading a good bok get's strecthed a bit far. I was up until 3:30 this morning reading an MOST excellent book called The Deed of Paksernarion, by Elizabeth Moon. It is actually a triloogy, three books in one. But it wassucha good read that even tho I kept looking up and seeing the hours creep by, and even though I KNEW that I would have to come to work in the morning, I drifted right back inot that world. *sighs* So of COURSE I made it in to work late... ah well. I will do better time wise next week.

I am surprised that MS. (the magazine) is under new ownership. You can feel a diffence in the magazine somehow, it isn't as....womanish anymore somehow. *shrugs* Or that could just be my reaction to the fact that they had almost 12 pages dedicated to Monica Lewinsky. I tend to distance myself from daily news, and the rest of the world in general. They are crazy.. they are ALL crazy. And it is kinda frightening that people get so involved in the little things... perhaps it is our societes way of pulling blinders over their eyes to the BIG problems... that if you listened to most of the folx in power, dont really exist.

I got an email acouple of days ago that linked the Columbine shooting to everything from taking prayer out of the school to supporting abortion and safer sex to voilence on TV to rap music to *sighs* even to the internet. It is amazing to me that someone can blame things that have affected hundreds upon thousands of children on a daily basis, and point to these things as the 'reason' why those young men reacted as they did.
Once again, we (as a soiciety) are trying to ignore the fac that any demons that are in our midst have been created BY us. Through either sins of omission or comission, we (as a SOCIETY) are to blame. When the governemnt itself is more concerned with how & when & why she sucked him off than with the fact that at LEAST 25% of children live so far below the 'poverty' level that it is terrfiying,, why do we have the nerve to wonder why SOME children don't understand the preciousness of life. When good 'Christian' folx blow up, burn, & kill abortion doctors and those who are in their clinics, in order to STOP the destruction of one life, that the mother & father have decided cannot be raised in a healthy heart & head whole way... we wonder why those boys thought the violence solves all. When we have a war going on to STOP killing....can we have the audacity to ask why they were so comfrtable with guns?? Don't blame a lack of 'godliness' on the worlds ills, because that isn't the source either. The so called "word of God' (as interpeted by man) has been used over the years & eons to destory so many & so much it is no surprise that some shy away from those 'standard practices of belief and religon'. Instead blame the fact that money, power & respect (as the rapper said) rule everything. And those boys KNEW not from fictional shows on TV that guns = power, they knew from watching the news... they Knew from Desert Storm, from Kosovo..from the fact that even tho we (the US ) is acknowleded as STILL being the most pwerful (arms wise) nation in the world, the Defense Budget is larger than the Department of Education...or that of health and human services... or hell.... it's bigger than the budget of the two PUT TOGETHER. . And who can deny that the power to destroy is the second greatest power after the power to create &LOVE
Until showing a woman kissing WHOEVER she loves is less shocking than the sight of someones guts being ripped out on Prime Time TV.... until the sight of two men walking down the street is no more disgusting than the random & meaningless violence that occurs on Thunder (a WWF wrestling show) every Thursday night, until loving someone ANYONE ina healthy and beautiful and supportive way is as acceptable to us as the fact that yes the sky IS blue & yes sun will rise..... is it any wonder that until we realize these things we (as a SOCIETY) will not be able to...


Stay Jazzed.

Thursday, May 20, 1999

Wrap it up and add a bright shiny BOW

I start writing to fight off the sleep from my mentally non stimulating job...a nd then I wake up,. and as soon as I go back to the job it's sayonara sista! *sighs* I wish someone was on yahooPager so I could talk to them that way.. but CAK is at his new job *protect him & keep him strong & give him hope*, and John John is most likely still sleep.. *ahh * I miss summer vacation. J. (one of my sex fiends... I mean friends) is incognegro....and he has been being shady for a while anyhow. I could call Nee, but umph! I'm trying to put that convo off for some reason. Dang! A quick nap would be soooooo nice right now.
I actually ate outside with C. (one of my co-workers) today,and that was nice. But time is crrrreeeeepppping along. I want to geto ut of here, go to the job fair and go HOME. The plan is to be in bed by 8:30. ah. bed. sleep. hmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Time flies once you start ignoring it. 4:30.... almost time to go. *sighs* I am going to the job fair.... it is worth a try...good night, and until tommorow...

Stay Jazzed

Baggage & Stuff

*goddess..I never knew I had so much to say... I'm ALWAYS talking to myself, and never thought to write it all down*

I'm considering moving some of my old entries from the other diary here. or I might just grab the poetry and leave the other stuff. That woman there was the other me. This is the REAL me. Yeah... so I have spilt personalities.... *grins* don't we all?

Okay.... I don't remember the dates for these, but these are all.. I think that I'm going to bring with me.. a little baggage is all. Here I can explain each one.


I don't want to talk
about the state of the union
or about Jada's hair
or about the
price of milk
I want to hold you in my arms
wrap my soul around your love
and talk
without saying a thing.
I don't want to write
an essay on
The
Suffering of Modern Woman
or an article
for the student paper
I want to put
pen to paper
and let the whispers that
haunt my heart
slide into eternity
I don't want to think
about how I'm gonna pay the rent
or what tests I have to take
or what the rest of my life holds
I want to think about the color of your eyes
when you laugh
the sound of your voice
when you cry
the touch of your hands
when you love me.
I don't want to be alone
for life
for birth for change
I want you to be there
touching me
whipsering to me
holding me
all through my life.



I wrote this for CAK actually, in one of my odd moments when I realized how much I love him before I remembered that we will most likely never BE together because we are too damn different.


So what if I can't fly
without wings
scream to Arizona
change colors
I can be me
and that is better
than anything else
So what if I can't
sing like Aida
dance like Paula
or **** like Vanessa
I can be me
and that is better
than anything else
So what if I can't
write like Nikki
or rap like Lauryn
or cook like Melle
I can be me
and that is better
than anything else
Cuz I can
Sing (like me)
Fly ( in my dreams)
scream (in my heart)
Change (my mind)
Dance (like me)
**** (so we like it)
Write (like me)
Rap ( in another language)
Cook ( so I don't starve)
And that is better
than doing anything else.



I wrote this… in one of my moments of bold independence. *grins* I think I might print this one out and put it up on my walls somewhere….


I peel off the layers
And stand naked
before me
Beggarman
Thief
Whore
what more
As I peel
I see
I dissolve away
I change out of
but not into
a shell of me
Beggarman
Thief
Whore
what more
Beggarman
Thief
Whore

until I can see
I will follow the path
I have not made
until I can hear
I will listen to the words
I have not spoken
until I can breathe
I will die
over and over again


I think I wrote this right before I got sick. I was really really ill. But I like the way it flows….so it stays.


I realized that to most people I am incredibly strange. I am simply NOT the norm. Never really wanted to be. Well maybe...once or twice. But anyhow.. I realized that compared to most of my peers...I'm damn strange. I listen to jazz more than hip hop. I read more than I watch TV. I prefer Malaysian food over McDonalds. I collect journals instead of mementos. I take black and white pictures of nothing instead of color pictures of people. I like to be alone...even when I'm with others. I'm not interested in sports, politics, actors actress or super stars. I would prefer to read Discover to Vibe any time. I want to be a writer when I grow up. I want to Grow Up. I want a house NOW. I want to garden. I dream in techni-color *laughs* but you get the picture...and sometimes I catch myself feeling guilty for not being even remotely normal. I find that chit chat and small talk is hard for me to do. I mean..what common ground can we meet on to chit chat about?? So I tend to stay silent...watching from the outskirts...noticing group flows and interactions...but never really a part of it. And sometimes I feel sorry for me...then I realize that I am unique. Quite totally. While I have had many a person say I favor someone...I have never been able to remind people of someone else. And to me...that is a blessing. Very few people forget me, once they have talked to me for a while. Simply by being ME I stand out even as I'm blending in.
So I feel bad. Sometimes. and other times I firmly decide that I hate humans. I wrote, for a drama class, this loooonnnggg drama/play called Jupiter Lives. Basically it went through my life and stated that
And as I live, and as I grow into the woman I am...through me Jupiter Lives.
My momma lied to me shamelessly as a child. She told me that I was from Jupiter.. that her 'real' daughter was on Jupiter and we were part of some exchange program. Now while in cold print that seems kinda cruel...to me it was always an explanation of why I am so DIFFERENT. I have an extra line on the ring finger of my right hand. a little thing but... *grins* that is my symbol of Alien origins... I have only met one other person in my life who has an extra line...and he is kinda out there too.
SO that is why sometimes I hate humans. mainly because I'm NOT one...and because they do REALLY stupid things sometimes. not that I don't...but I shouldn't.
Have I psycho-analyzed my terror of messing up? Maybe... I'm reading a book now called Women's Bodies, Women's Minds and it says that we as women have become distanced from ourselves. We have been trained to ignore what feels GOOD in favor of that we have been TOLD is right. *sighs* So I guess I'm gonna go with what feels RIGHT to me...and if I mess up...well us Aliens aren't perfect either.


That one I wrote to explain me to myself. Makes sense? Yes? No? neither do I .




I admire women.
Women who manage to remind me of how wonderful life can be over thirty.
I admire women who wear their gray hair as a sign of dignity and growth.
I admire women who stand up to whatever bothers them, and make the personal political.
I admire women who won't take no for an answer.
I admire women who with out knowing it themselves, know what we MUST do to grow as a people.
I admire women who can write and make me cry.
I admire women who can write and make me think.
I admire women who posses themselves.
I admire women who allow themselves to be themselves.
I admire women who want to be whatever they want to be.
I admire women who become what they want to be.
I admire women who raise their daughters AND their sons.
I admire women who love unconditionally...without being fools.
I admire women who give of themselves...and expect nothing in return.
I admire women who can say NO. And mean it.
I admire my mother...my aunt...my grandmother...my great grandmother...my cousins...my sisters of the hand and the heart.



In Honor of Nee's Graduation.


There are
some kinds of love
that will not be ignored
cannot be denied
stand in front of
you
and
demand
that you open your heart to them
There is no hiding

of the mind body or
spirit
they step out
into your life
at the mention of
a name

the glimpse of sky
the words
that cannot be brought back
There are some kinds of love

that don't care if they are returned
cannot be destroyed
that will never die
refuse to be
stomped out
even as you ice up everything to deny it
throughout life

joy
pain
there are some kinds of love
that will haunt you
pursue you

annoy you
drive you love sick & stir crazy
twist your thoughts
until you kneel

and acknowledge them
There are some kinds of love
that will never die
no matter how much

you need it to.



This I wrote for MJW. Because I Still love him…. Right down to the tips of my toes. And I don't like him too. Hate is too strong.. too much.. wrong. But I love him, and at the same time I feel for that that which is the opposite of love. *sighs* there is so much pain in all of my love.... I wonder.... if I stop loving...would I be able to


Stay Jazzed?

I dream..a simple fantasy

I have a wish list for my house

1) Plants...lots & lots of Plants
2) A NEW Refriderator
3) Nails & a Hammer that will punch through concrete and let me hang my pictures
4) A pretty rug to go in the living room
5) A table in the kitchen. I saw this realllly cute one in the Sears book.
6) A standing lamp for the living room
7) A computer desk
8) A set of dishes

I think that is about it. *grins* I can't wait for Saturday. I jsut ordered my dressers, ad they said that I most likely won't get them for a month. A MONTH!!! Jesus and some of his lesser saints, but I could carry it home on my BACK in a month. *sighs* By that time, Nee will be staying with me (she has an internship in the city and will be staying with me rather than getting her own place) and in fact that will be the week that my mom will be here to visit. My house will be crowded crowded. I think that I will have to break down and get some of the stuff that I need and carry it home on the bus. As much as I didn't want to.. I may have no choice. The dishes I can get from Kmart, or someplace like that, and the ironing board I can get downtown. *sighs* I can get the full lentgh mirror downtown too but GOD that will be a headache, and I would hate to break it. I am loving having a house, although my spending frenzy will hae to cool down ofr a couple of weeks while I pay the rent and the rest of the monthly bills.

I am trying to decide if I want to go to this job fair that is going on down the street to get a job at this new store that will be opening up soon. I'm not sure when, and if the store opens up after school starts that would be perfect, because I want to have a job while I'm in school. But... if I have to start working while I'm still here that will be a problem. I really really really want to continue going to the gym and workig out, but if I have to be at a second job at 6 every night, that kinda cancels that out. I was considering trying for a weekends only job, but that isn't much beter because there are errands that I have to run on the weekneds and having a job wayy out here (I'm not close to my house at all) would really suck. But I want to try, and I really can use any extra money. Which, sadly enough, is one of the reasons I decided to let Nee stay. She is willing to pay part of the rent..and HEY! I'm not one to turn down a lil cash from anybody.

Must go eat lunch.. I ahve been treating my body badly lately...eating cheese and meat *yeech* I need to make up that little 'rotting things' card...even tho the thought of it won't let me....

Stay Jazzed

What Price Perfection?

For years, my goal in life was to be the perfect woman. The woman that everyne (male & female) wanted, lusted after, was oh so untainable. I tried to mold myself daintly, with the grace of a thousand years of beauty, the sleekness of a cat, and the intelligence of a wonder of gods creation. I tried to fit myslef in to what my partner believed I shouod be, meek or outgoing, sexual or prudish, bold or modest. I trired so hard, and for so long, that now that i have decided to mold myself in my own image...I find it so hard to. I fell myself bowing to what others want me to do or be, without them even saying anything. I used to pride myself on being able to predict some elses desires, and fufill that desire before it wad even fully expresed. I learned to red body language and theshifting of eyes and every tone and nuance in a voice, just to be prepared to please. Now that I wish to please myself, I have to be alone, otherwise I drip like hot wax into the mold of who ever is around me. They don't even have to express a desire for me to be a certain way, they may truly NOT care who I am or how I react, but I still change, sublty slowly into something more pleasing to them. I pick up an accent, I change the way my body moves I change my speaking patterns. All unconsiously and it isn't unitl they leave and my consious mind returns to myself do I realize what I have done.

Now that I want to be me, I find that I can barely remember who I am. Is the way I move something that I alwas did, or is it the leftovers form the bf i had who 'liked to watch me walk' ? Is my thought pattern truly mine, or is it blindly following a path that was laid by my stepfather? Is my taste in clothes hoinestly what I would wear, or has it been dictated by my mothers opinon? Where do I began and those who have influenced me end? Or is there a separation? Am I simply the sum of those influences, and that in itself creates me?

I always try to keep people pleased with me. & the worst feeling (to me) is when I know that through something that I have done, whether on purpose or not, I have upset/angered/inconvienced someone. I fell sick, stupid, lower than the lowest dirt. Thus, to avoid this I try to be perfect. Never messing up, never failing, never doing it wrong. I think that is why I left HTech. I KNEW that I would fail at it, simply because that is not what I (the real me) wanted, and so I left. Rather than fail, I quit. Is that a form of failing? *sighs* amd somehow this all wraps back around to CAK & JazzyBelle. If he knew of her, the simple fact of him knowing would change her into someone NOT her.

I tend to brood on things, constantly turning them over and trying to understand whether I am doing the right thing.. that which will bring me closer to perfection. Each step that I take changes EVERYTHING that will come, and sometimes I just have to withdraw within my self...and stop thinking about what a mess I have made of the life I never knew I had...cuz if I think about it to long... I can't


Stay Jazzed

Easy....like Sunday Morning.....

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG......

Okay.. so maybe I shouldn't have told CAK about this Diary.... I was reading his (and yeah it IS kinda unfair) and he said that he was a tad bit upset with me. *sighs* It isn't that I am trying to be closed, or even secretive. It is just that in my other Diary, I found myself editing.. not saying things that I was thinking because I wasn't sure that I really meant it, or because it might not come out right. here, I can say what ever I want.. and no one whose opinion really matters knows I'm here. *sighs* and I don't know if I will beas free once I know some one else is reading. If he finds me, well and good, but otherwise... nah..... as much s I love him I need a room of my own.

I am such a lurker. I have *thinks quickly* 9 diares on here that I follow on a daily basis, yet I can never seem to leavea note. Most of the notes I read sound SOOO insincere somehow.. Almost as if that person was writng a note simply to say 'I wuz here'. I think that these diaries spill too much of the person for anything to be left that does not live up to the outpouring of emotions that is above it. So unless I have somethng sincere and honest and heartfelt to say.. I simply nod...rejoice in their successes, weep in their hurts and hope that they all grow well. Papi Poeta, Firefly, DesertRein, Sylverling, Lasher, Serin, Blather, Gattaca & Jane Says.... I treasure the look into your life that you give me/us out here. Besides.. what can you REALLLY say in 250 characters?? Something tells me that might be the DM's next change...make the notes BIGGER!!! Although sometimes I wonder why is MY life so dead? *laughs* Most of these folx are right around my age, and they have been through & experienced so much more than me.. I feell like a lttle child.

THis office is always sooooooo freaking cold. I think that I will have to wear a sweater in here all year. And it gets really really bad when I come in wearing a light pretty summer dress and immeadaitely throw an old green tatty sweater over it. But at least I'm warm...and when I'm warm I'm not grumpy. And a grumpy Jazzybelle at work is a bad bad thing. Ah well.... let me go and work some. Work Some...Play some .... thati s how I manage to....

Stay Jazzed

Wednesday, May 19, 1999

Hot Thoughts at the end of the day

I firmly believe that the sexiest part of the human body is the mouth. Especially the lips...*sighs* The mouth can caress and kiss, hold and lick..touch and massage, speak & enchant. The mouth can arouse your body AND your mind....and what is better than a good mindgasm every once in while?

I had siad not to long ago that the next time I had sex it would be with someone I loved.. but.. *sighs* my libido *here girlllly girllly girl* Really can't wait. What I want more so is time.... not a quick whan bam thank you ma'am but a lil time...time to explore every single pore and inch of skin on that persons body..to learn their taste and their texture and their smell. Time to absorb and inhale and just leeeaaarn every inch of them. Even if only for one night.... but I doubt that I get that either. I am supposed to go to a party this weekend, thrown by a bunch of my accquaintences..... better known as the PLA. It is nota sex party...but it is morea party for those who like sex, and have no problem admitting it, but who DO havea problem finding folx to do to with who are just as free. I'm still split about going...and I most likely won't go simply because I have no way to get there. Hitch hiking is NOT for me.
Ah. the end of the day...this working/writing as you go thing really works for me..... good night....and


Stay Jazzed

Dramatis Personae

Dammit all... I told him that I have a new diary.. didn't say where or who and now I think he is upset cause I won't share it with him. *sighs* sometimes I need something that is all my own.. and I don't have to defend that to anyone. He needs a name..cuz I will be talking about him alot. Hm. I guess I should introduce all of my Characters.

My Mother = Mommy
My Best Friend (Current) = CAK (love of my life, troubled, straight)
My Best Friend (EX) = MJW (first love, never kissed/touched gay)
Many Other Friends = Steve, the wonderfully funny amazing gorgeous bi New Yorker that I met through John John, one of the few friends from high school that I still have. He is bi too. Then there is Donna, the Gay Woman of Shure (not the real name) College, and the sexy little gay lady AV. Then there is Nee, the best freind/recent grad/about to go to med school friend . Hmm... that is about it. Other men & women may come through every once in a while, but they are the main characters in my saga of life. Wow... I never realized how many more women there were then men. Interesting. I'll also givea background story on each... just to settle their history in my mind.....

Mommy.... she is the most beautiful wonderful intelligent mommy anyone could have. I love her immensely, from afar and from upclose, and she loves me back. I think we hated each other through the last two years of high school.. bu that is a NORMAL mother daughter thing right? I realize that she is alot like me.. out going among freinds..quiet around new folx.. always amazed by the world around her... intelligent and intuitive as all get out. *sighs* I love my mommy. I miss my mommy sometimes....and she is SO young.. she makes ME feel old sometimes. Did I mention that she is beautiful?

CAK.... my...damn I don't want to use his nickname....but I can't quite imagine how else to put it. He is mi corazon. Like a brother/lover/friend I never knew I needed. We have never met... and we will HOPEFULLY meet Memorial day weekend...and iti s kinda scary. I mean..what if we meet each other and justget on each others nerves to NO end?? god... thsat would be the absolute WORST.... we were doing what if scenasrios last night.... and I think that we are close enough to get over any physical shocks....but will we mesh as well emotionally in RL as we have on here? God I would be so hurt if we couldn't. My earlier entry Crying at Work was about him. Him saying that shocked me into realizing how much he wad a part of my life. I was at the mall later that day and as I was shopping I kept thinking,. hmm I need to tell CAK about this.... or CAK would like this.. or hmmm I wonder if CAK knows that they have come out with that new album? and each time it was like oh dear god. what if he was gone? Ah. That would hurt so much. and I don't really remember how we met anymore...there is so much to tell.... aand so hard to put it into words. He was abused as a child. He was abused (emotionally) in most of his relationships as a man...that changes a man.

MJW....ah. I should call him Heartache. I have cried more over this manchild than anyone or anything else. He was my first first love. We met in a summer camp the summer of... god... was it 92? We had an on & off relationship until I went to Shure in the summer of 95, and then we went to friends. For about three years we were the closest and best of friends. He felt like my missing piece and I loved him so much it was likea disease...because he is, and always has been very closed off and withdrawn. NO one gets close to him...as I told John John (whoh as known him since grade school) it is like he is on a pedastal..and everytime I get close toreaching him he kicks my ass back down. The last time I REALLY talked to him was in August of 98. HE withdrew totally from all his friends....didn't respond to emails ..phone calls...letters... nothing. That was the LAST time I was letting my ass get kicked my him. So I cried. and moped. and let go. He is a sore space in my heart now....they way your gum feels after a tooth has been pulled...sore but so much better than before. I mis him so so so much tho...but I think that the friendship and closeness we had before has been totally mucked up. And then he invited me to his graduation. *sighs* WTF?

For the rest... that quick synopsis will do.....at least for now. With friends like these....I can always

Stay Jazzed

Something Small Delicate and Round

Between Jane Says and my best friend (who has a diary on here...but for the sake of him not knowing about this one will remain nameless) I have dedcided to write everyday. When I get in to work I'll open an instance of wordpad and just type away. I don't really expect to have much to talk about...but sometimes just being able to scribble down whatever is good.

Dear god...I am SOOO hungry.

I like having money.. It makes everything so much more sun shiny and bright. *laughs* I have fianally purchased some furniture.. *WHO HOO* and it will be getting delivered Sat. I know there was a story I once read called Femme Fatale by J.California Cooper. It was about a woman who was trying to be a Femme Fatale. Beautiful, enchanting and dangerous..in her own way. Anyhow... the reason I am thinking of it is because of how she wanted her house to be ' all cozy and comfortable yet individual and unique. A place you would come to to lay your head and forget about the world...all here would be focused on her and on her alone, the Femme Fatale in her web.' Anyhow.. now that I have a little furniture I can happy happy happy.. I can begin to acheive the whole 'boudoir of me' look I have been shooting for so long.

WHOOPS! It's noon, gotta run to get some food and some cccaasssshhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ahh.... chicken...

My mom will get me the dressers *grins* now all I need is decoration and some carpeting to hide the hideous stuff I have now and all will be well. I love my mommy. She is sooo wonderful....I think that I can tell her anything and everything but only my own punkish cowardice prevents me from doing so. Shei s sooo young at heart....I mean she gota TOE RING sat,. *laughs* I don't even havea toe ring yet... maybe now when i get a tattoo she won't have a cow ...

Everyday I have been eager to leave work. Not because it is borning (because I always have something to do) but because what I COULD be doing is so much more exciting and fun than what I am doing... I think I have caught a bad case of the Springtime Bug. Where I sit I cna see out of two windows and the sun and sky and clouds are jsut calling my name all day..... JAZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYY...ohhhh JAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I just want to be outside doing SOMETHING. I think that going to the gym has something to do with that too...my body is limber and eager and ready.. yeah let's sweat let's get that heart pumping and those hips working AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

Yeah... I have a mild sugar buzz from the Root Beer. *sucks lips* cool and refreshing.....and my nipples are hard. *sighs* I think little doggy Bido has come back with her tail twitching QUITE merrily..or I'm just cold as hell.

I have a book in the works.. I have the characters.. I have the plot... I have a rough rough timeline... but I am just too damn lazy to actually buckle down and DO it. Plus.. my time is short as it is.. I work from 8:30 to 5...then I work out.... usualyy until around 8:30 or 9... go home... eata lil something... go to bed. Then on the weekends I sleep late... clean the house....wash clothes.... relax.
Now.. if I get on job for the weeknds ( Im going to a job fair Tommorow at this Target that is Opening up soon) Then my time will be even more compressed. *sighs* and writing a book takes TIME. If I know nothing else than that..I know that. All the authors agree..writing takes time. It is like a second job....although in my case it mught be a third one.... and I want to do it with joy... not tired.. not drudginly.. but with pleasure.....Yeah I know.. it won't always be like that.. but at least fora wile I want it to be fun.

Only one?? dear goddess I wana get OUUUUTTTA here.. I think I will have to start eating lunch outside....being inside is no much strain for me. especially all day long.

Friday, May 14, 1999

J said - Re: Side Notes that I have to say

Dammit.

I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING THAT IS FAR BEYOND WORDS. I NEED TO SPEAK OF SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE HELD ON A PAGE. I NEED TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU.


Dammit.


But will that make a difference, Papi?


Dammit.


I think that I don't like email any more.


Dammit to HELL Chris.



She stirs in the silent dark room, listening to the sounds drifting up from below. Still half asleep they filter into the sounds of a fight. She drifts back to sleep and dreams.


Her hands are tied behind her. She is laying curled up ...under a heavy mildewly blanket. Her feet are tied together. She wiggles out from under the blanket...terrified as to what she will see. She looks out into her living room...and watches as he hits her once...twice...thrice...four fivesixseveneightnineteneleventwelve times...she stops counting...tears fill her eyes. She is silent. She is still. She is helpless and hopeless.



Dammit.


I NEED TO HEAR SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE SPOKEN. I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE SAID.


I can't stop you, but damn I don't want you to go.


Dammit.


Dammit to HELL.


Why?


I can't cry at work.

So I will go now.


Dammit.


I can't even find out if something happened. IF something happens. POOF. GONE. SHIT.


Please don't scare me. Please please please please please please please please please don't die on me.

I love you to much to lose you. Please Papi?


J.

J said -The Naked Truth..

I reread a couple of my entires and realized that I sound so bitter about Little One. Really I'm not. I'm in pain more so...ana ching kinda pain that settles righti n the bottom of my heart and reaches up everyonce in a while and tweaks me. I saw The Beautiful One yesterday...and somehow that along with some raging hormones and a utterly lovely rainy day brought this out.


There are
some kinds of love
that will not be
ignored
cannot be denied
stand in front of you
and
demand
that you open your heart to them
There is no hiding
of the mind body or
spirit
they step out
into your life
at the mention of
a name
the glimpse of sky
the words
that cannot be brought back

There are some kinds of love
that don't care if they are returned
cannot be destroyed
that will never die
refuse to be stomped out
even as you ice up everything to deny it
throughout life
joy

pain
there are some kinds of love
that will haunt you
persue you
annoy you
drive you love sick
& stir crazy
twist your thoughts
until you
kneel
and acknowledge them

There are some kinds of love
that will never die

no matter how much
you need it to.



Not to say that I don't love. or can't love or will not love any more. Cuz I do. I just think that part of love IS pain.



J.

J said - Profile: Me

The profile...I have been lurking around enough other diaries that have in there for it to be interesting...


NAME: Arabic..or is it African? Not sure. But it’s MINE MINE MINE

AGE: 22

HEIGHT: 5’3”

EYE COLOR: dark brown

LOCATION: Atlanta. I wish I was in someplace sunny and warm so I could get a tan tho

FAV RELATIVE(s): my mother

MEMORY YOU MISS MOST: Mitchell

FAV DRINK IN THE FRIDGE: Apple Flavored Ginsing Rush

FAV TV SHOW: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Daria. But I don’t have a TV so that is kinda crazy, yes?

FAVE CONCERT YOU'VE BEEN TO: Jamaroqui! The 6’6 black man in all leather holding that single rose is something I will NEVER forget

IN THE CAR, AC OR WINDOWS: Windows upto 98 deg. Then I NEED air to survive

DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: only when I’m writing or dancing or loving

FAVE ONLINE BUDDIES: PoeticGold, B1nstlye, BiggaJ, AfreFreaky

FAVORITE BEER: YEECH!

FAVE SMELL: Rose Musk

SCARIEST PERSON: Bigots.

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: depression, loneliness, loving hopelessly

BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: love, when it doesn’t hurt.

FAV SOUNDTRACK: Waiting to Exhale Or love jones or The Phantom Of the Opera

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS: thinner, richer…maybe a mother

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT WHEN YOU WOKE UP YESTERDAY MORNING: SHIT.….it’s 7 already? !!

DO YOU HAVE CELL PHONE/PAGER: nope. If you want me..leave a message

DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS? no

ROLLER COASTERS- DEADLY OR EXCITING: Thrilling…if you don’t scream…it’s no fun

PEN OR PENCIL: pen..or very very dark & pointy mechanical pencil

FAV AUTHOR: I can only pick ONE??????

HOW MANY TIMES BEFORE YOU PICK UP THE PHONE: one to zero…I’m pretty fast on the uptake

COOLEST THING ABOUT YOUR HOUSE: Park out the back door

WHAT HAS MADE YOU CRY THE MOST: losing friends.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: chocolate

SIGN: Capricorn

THUNDERSTORMS: Erotic & Amazing & Enchanting

WORST JOB YOU'VE EVER HAD: Intern at NASA (I HATE red tape)

BEST JOB YOU'VE EVER HAD: Assistant Childrens Librarian (kids & books..what could be better?)

ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF: sometimes…usually when I’m beautiful

# OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN TITANIC: five…or six….hmmmm has it been seven?

# OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN GOODWILL HUNTING: none

LAST MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN IN THE THEATRES: She’s All that ….it was so bad

WHAT MOVIE MADE YOU CRY: Armageddon

WHAT COLORS DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR BED: red..brown…blue… green…orange..

HOW MANY CDS IN YOUR COLLECTION: at least 100 maybe more

COFFEE DRINKER: sometimes

SHOWER AT NIGHT/MORNING: morning or night…depends on how tired I am

WHAT'S MOST ROMANTIC SONG: Loving You, Minnie Riperton, Ride Inside My Body, Minne Riperton

FAV CD RIGHT NOW: The Velvet Rope: Janet Jackson

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUIJA BOARDS: Wonderful things…can I tap the power BEHIND them?

HAT BACKWARDS/FORWARDS: hat? What is a hat?

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSEPAD: MY Sororities Flower

FAV BOARD GAME: It used to be monopoly…but I’m a horrible real estate agent anda sore loser

FAV MAGAZINE: National Geographic

BEST THINGS TO DO ON A WEEKEND: Lay in the sun & read a book…take pictures

IF YOU COULD STREAK IN FRONT OF SOMEONE'S HOUSE, WHO WOULD IT BE: my currently married ex boyfriend

WOULD YOU GIVE A GUY/GIRL YOUR SHIRT: yeah.

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE ANY OCCUPATION..WHAT WOULD IT BE: Author

IF YOU GOT A TATOO WHAT/WHERE WOULD IT BE?: a butterfly with cat eyes…on my waist

WHAT IS ON THE WALL OF YOUR ROOM: a picture of a naked woman being caressed by the sun

IS THE GLASS HALF FULL/HALF EMPTY: half full

COOL RANCH OR NACHO CHEESE DORITOS: yeech. How about some nice Smartfood Cheese Popcorn instead?

FAV SNAPPLE: Pink Lemonade…

HAIR COLOR: red & brown and black…soon to be all black

HOW MANY TAPES/RECORDS DO YOU OWN: tapes? As in cassette? About 15

HOW MANY BOOKS DO YOU OWN: hmmm….maybe 2000, maybe less

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE?: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?: yes. I wish Aunt Bevie would come back for a lil while. I have some questions

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOODS?: any thing that can be eaten with your fingers.

GOLD OR SILVER?: silver

CANDLES OR INCENSE?: incense and candles

ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS: nope.

CATS OR DOGS?: Cats

MOCHA OR LATTE?: mocha mocha MOOOOOCCCHHHHHAAAA

ONE PIECE SWIMSUIT OR TWO?: one…I’m too ‘fine’ for two

BEST FIRST DATE?: *Thinks* haven’t had a really good one.

FAVORITE DAY OF YOUR LIFE?: graduation (hurry up and come already)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? Define god.

DO YOU DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT?: ahh…but do I drive at all? NO.

IF YOU COULD SMACK ONE FAMOUS PERSON IN THE HEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?: no clue. I don’t care enough about any of them to hit them.

FAVORITE FLOWER?: Orchids

AS A CHILD, DID YOU COLLECT ANYTHING?: rocks.

FAVORITE COLOR?: blue blue blue

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM?: sports? Huh?

LIPSTICK?: oh yes… the best lipstick is the same color as your areola…

HAIR...LONG OR SHORT?: medium length…eagerly waiting for it to be long

WHAT MODEL & COLOR IS YOUR VEHICLE?: no car. No license

ARE YOU LAID BACK?: yes. Laid back and lazy… the line is SO fine

ARE YOU IN DEBT?: yes… credit cards…and soon school.

FAV FLAVOR: Skin

FAV MILK: *shudders* I am lactose intolerant

IF YOU COULD MEET ANYONE, LIVING OR HISTORIC, WHO WOULD THEY BE AND WHY?: The founding ‘fathers’ I’d give them a healthy piece of my mind.

WHAT WAS YOUR WILDEST ADVENTURE? Life.


J.