lifelines

I have to write a biography for 2nd realm, and it's been - interesting, and mildy depressing and suprisingly enlightening. We have to write it in 3rd person (to distance ourselves from the subject matter) and - it's slightly less heartbreaking.
It's not that I had a BAD childhood - it was just - sad. At least the bits that I can remember - there isn't much joy there. But isn't that how memories go so often? The minor wounds stay with you forever, but the minor joys that go along with them are lost in the mists.
It's one thing that I like about journaling - the fact that most often here, I'm sharing - and saving - the tiny joys in my life - the things that happen on a daily basis that make me smile, and that make me think. I don't need any help remembering the upsets - those, my brain will hold onto of itself.
So far, I'm only up to 15/16, and I totally skipped the years between 13 and 15 - ever had a book that you LOVED, but had a horrible, sad, miserable episode in the middle that while it ADDED to the book, you only needed to read it once, and the next time you read the book, you skip over that section because you know what happened? Yeah, that's about how I feel about 13, 14, 15.
I fell asleep last night trying to remember as much as I could about those years - the actual details, and not the details masked by the miasma of depression, puberty, and abuse the way they have hidden in the back of my head. It was interesting, the things I remembered that I had forgotten - esp. how many of my 'dream' homes (as in the homes I dream about) are actually bits and pieces of places I've lived in before that I've forgotten.
I still haven't worked up the gumption to write about it - I think a large glass(es) of wine might be required to numb me enough to really write about it. I also haven't continued past highschool - I KNOW I can't until I fill in that gap. *sigh* I might have to write it as fiction, that might be easier.
I'm also - oddly enough - considering sending it to my mother when I'm done. I realized that I really don't know much about my personal history - we don't talk about the past much - and I assume in her mind as well, the joys from those years have faded into the background, and the bitter regrets might be all thats left.
Last night also, as I was falling asleep, Sade's 'Someone Already Broke My Heart' came on.....which is one of her songs that I've been humming and singing for a while - TheBoy and I were making jokes about how all of Sade's songs are DEPRESSING, and that particular song was my example.
I realized though, last night, as I was thinking about my dark years, that it could be a song of hope - someones already broken my heart, and I know that pain, and I lived through it that time, so I'll be able to live through it again.
Then, I wandered into the thought that everytime a heart gets broken, it gets bigger. You can't mend something, without adding a little something extra, even if it's just glue. And that something extra makes your heart bigger, stronger, upgraded, ready to handle the next thing.
I don't want to focus on the fact that my hearts been broken - that's in the past. I want to focus on the fact that I've healed. Even if it's not fully healed, I've started healing. I've taken things I valued, and I've mended my heart. No, it's not the pretty, simple, smooth heart of a child anymore, but then, ain't no other part of me still childlike, why should my heart be any different?
And in the fact that I've healed - I've proven I can heal. I've proven that no matter how horrible the heartbreak, I might want to die, but it won't kill me. I know that if my heart is broken, I'll mend, and I'll move on, and I'll grow.
In turn, that means I don't have to fear heartbreak. It'll hurt, yeah, but I'll be okay, really. And without fear, I can go further - I can push down at least one of the bricks in the walls that segment me, knowing that I don't NEED it. My hearts not some fragile, unproven thing. She's (we've) been through some pretty rough spots, and we are all the more for it. And the next rough spot - though I might want to die in the midst of it - it'll make me more, just as the joyful spots that seem to fade away have made me more, as well.

I want to include two poems in my biography as well.....I think they fit the - interesting - times I've lived in. I kinda wanna rework both of them - the first one is almost 9 years old, and the second one is 8? 7? something like that - and while I still like them, they don't catch me the way I want/need them to.

And yeah, dragon stories are still bubbling away on my back brain burner. 9000 words? I can bang that out in a day, but a GOOD 9000 words? *sigh*
I think I'll start writing, again.

Ah, it's almost the end of the year. I usually do a year in recap, around here, but meh. I'm not quite feeling it.

This last year, really, was largely about internal journeys. I think that outwardly, I haven't changed much - if any - but inwardly, my mind is at an entirely different place than it was at the start of the year.

Generally, I'm more peaceful. I'm less stressed. I'm more loving. I'm more honest. I'm more open. I'm more generous. I'm more selfish. I've knocked down some walls and strengthened some boundaries. It's been - transformative. That's the right word.

Going forward into the new year? Ah, I expect that the transformation will ramp up - and I'm really looking forward to seeing how 2nd Realm plays into that. But, that transformation is going on the simmer setting (which is essential, for any good stock) and I'm turning my focus to my health.

I'm going to go sugar and grain free for a while, to see how it makes me feel. I'm going to start exercising (finally - I actually set the timer last night!) because I know it'll make me feel better. I had my last clove today (and I got a nicotine buzz from it too, which I haven't gotten in a WHILE) because I KNOW I'll be healthier.

It's funny, how I've delayed myself. Maybe I needed that time - that year - to prove to myself that yes, things MUST change. I've always KNOWN that I would have to change my diet, my exercise habits, and my weight to get pregnant. I wasn't really fooling anyone but myself, and as the months went by, and my belly stayed - well, we'll have to say unoccupied, as it's already nicely round - the - dread - almost, began to sink in on me. It's not an option, anymore Kiya dear, and in all honesty, it never was.

Health. That's the theme of next year. Emotional, Physical, Mental, Financial, Spiritual - I want to be a glowing ball of HEALTH. The real health, the health that makes your soul sing and your face smile, not the dry, dull, popping four pills for four ills health.

I suspect I'll journal here, a bit more, as I always do at the the start of a year, just to iron things out, and to keep a personal track of what's going on.

Note, do, that I'm not calling this a resolution, of anysort. And, it's mostly accidental that it's close to the new year. I'm on the brink, and I'm ready.

Emotional: Open up more to DH. Make more friends.
Physical: Eat as my body needs. Exercise.
Mental: Reduce TV/Computer time. Read more. (what a shocker that I HAVE to include that!)
Financial: Return to a 0 CC balance. Tithe 15% by June.
Spiritual: Daily Medition. Maintain my altar.

Sounds so simple, written out here, doesn't it? Hah. I'm certain it won't be as simple as it sounds.

Internal Damages

I've always been - well, no. Not always. Lately, I've been wondering if my abortion (8 years ago! holy cow!) maybe - damaged my uterus somehow. I've heard of the cringing and problems that D&C could cause, and - well, the thought was always there.

Then, today, and I don't know why (maybe my period starting? or maybe something I read on cbirth) I started thinking about the actual procedure - and it struck me that they used some sort of vacuum type thing - definitely no blades. I looked it up, and apparently I had a EVA (Electronic Vacuum Aspiration) done - which has a much lower rate of uterine damage than a D&C does.

So, that's an oddly huge relief. What impacts the abortion may have had on my heartfeather, I don't know - I felt enourmously at peace with it then, and I still feel at peace with it. If I end up being infertile, I doubt that I'll feel much peace with aborting the only child of my blood I would have ever had - but once again, I hope that I never have to cross that bridge.

Of course, the IUD could have done something odd too.

*sigh* It's insane, and it sucks, that almost all of the procedures/hormones/methods of NOT getting pregnant so often affect your long term ability to get pregnant when you are actually ready.

I've decided, since we are going to buy another Fertell test anyhow, I'll take the FSH test Saturday morning (CD3 according to FF - I'm totally dismissing the barely there spotting Tue/Wed), and it I fail (which oddly enough, I'm pretty sure I will - just like C did) we'll both retake them in 3 months, once we've finished our bottles of FertilityBlend.

I'm a little - relieved - and a little ashamed at the same time - that we are 'officially' in a NT/NA period right now. It gives us a little time to relax, and to reconnect. It gives me a little time to lose some bloody WEIGHT. In addition - it'll shift the end of the pregnancy more towards the cool months - as I'm really not looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in an air conditioned house in the South.

I wish I could find that article that mentioned that babes concieved during certain months have a lower IQ, overall, and how they believed that was a side effect of the higher levels of pesticides/pollution in the air in the summer months.

Hrm, I'll see if I can dig it up.

Seriously? June 20th? Holy cow!!!!

Urm, okay, lets start with comparison pictures (I'll update the photo thread with these as well)

Now:




Then: (Nov 2006)





Lovely, isn't it? *happysigh*

I haven't really been doing much new with my hair - I've been hennaing every month, and HLC'ing whenever I feel like it. :lol: Urm, I haven't trimmed in a while, and it doesn't really need it, based on how it acted in twists. Still using the same products.......

I'm really boring, in other words. I'm going into the more shedding/slower growing period, and I'm considering a topical potion to charge up my temples (yes, another one) because honestly - that's the ONLY part of my hair that I'm anything less than totally pleased with.

I'd like to put my hair in yarn twists for most of the winter, but I'm being a lazy git, and not only haven't found the yarn, I also haven't praticed one bit (though I've stalked MANY a fotki).

I've been hanging around LHCF for the last few days out of boredom, and it's inspiring in me a vibe to try some new stuff, mix up some stuff out of the ingredients I already have.

I actually need to go back through my journal and IDENTIFY some stuff - I have no clue what some of my mystery mixes are.

Okay. I'm heading home, but I'm going to post a pic entry once there.....

One. Two. Three.

Last night I told him that I can't wait until we've been together longer than we've been apart. Which, funnily enough, is NOT the sentiment we were actually voicing on the night before the wedding. In fact, if I remember right, we were in the midst of a HUGE fight.

For life, til death do us part.

Happy 3rd Anniversary, My Love!!

Well, my new style lasted for about 5 days before it was just too matted for me to be happy with it - but still! That's very reasonable - I could alternate this style, and my 'protective' style to give me some alternation.

Anyhow! It's been about 6 months since I've started on this hair journey. My hair is a little shorter than it was when I started (by my choice!), but I have more skills, more knowledge, and a cabinent full of wonderful substances for the health of my hair bot externally and internally. I'm not as healthy as I would like to be overall - in fact, I feel LESS healthy at the end of this year - but that is one of my main goals in the next - to get back on track with the physical changes that I was making, and prepare myself for my next adventure.....

Happy New Year's Yall - may this year be your best year ever!

Is 2006 really over???

I know - It's the 31st of December, which means, yeah, 2006 is officially almost over - but - damn....this year just whizzed on by. I'm not ready for time to start to fly by just yet - I want the days to plod by, and for weeks to stretch out into forever. 

Well - the highlights of my year....

• Made semi-finalist for The Amazing Race 10. Didn't make it any further, can't bear to watch the show anymore.
• Started leasing to own a house and land from the gov't and the bank - and have actually done a good bit to make it ours.
• Agreed with The Boy that would would start officially trying for a little Black in 2007.
• Wrecked my car
• Attended my first birth
• Got my first doula client
• Started and buried several friendships and a woman's group.
• Hubby went from line cook, to Exec Sous, to Exec in a year (cuz he's the shit, thas why)
• Paid off all of our debts
• Made new friends
• Started walking my spiritual path

2006 has really been a year of new things - new begininnings, new lessons, new awarenesses -  There have been places that sucked, but looking back over the year, my mind is glossing those over, and the highlight blaze out clearly.

I've enjoyed this year. I've learned this year. I've loved this year.

May each of you enjoy more,  learn more, and love & be loved more in 2007 than you were in 2006.... 

Go in Peace! 

K.   

OD Year in Review

Rules: Take the first sentence (or 2, or 3 or 4 whatever lol) from the first post of each month of 2006. That's your year in review.

January:
So. Tommorow, around 9:10pm, I'll officially be 29.

It's - interesting, me getting older - esp with all else that has been happening to me and around me. Looking back over the years, I'm certainly NOT where I thought I would be at 29, but - I'm - happy with where I am. I have a husband whom I love (and loves me), I've got a job that pays the bills and a plan for the future. I've got friends, and joy, and love. I don't have kids - or a house - yet, but - I see that in our close future. And really - I'm - HAPPY, dare I say it?

February:
It's only WEDNESDAY?? Sheesh, this week is really dragging.

So, work - right? I write so much more at work than I EVER do when I'm at home, largely because well - at home I actually have ISH to do.

So - I think that yesterday I wrote about my explorations in the world of Thrift for wineglasses, and my utter failures thereof.

March:
Hmmm.....I'm thinking that maybe I should change my diary name - I'm still Witty, Wicked  & Wise - but I'm more other things than I am that. And lately, I've been feeling kind of - sharp. Pointy, even.

April:
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
-- Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten

That song has been - my song - since it first came out. I love it, love it, love it. It reminds me to be open, to be hopeful, to keep moving forward and pressing on.

May:
Hmmm... let's see, what's shaking in me life?

The movers are coming Thursday, as is the cable guy (gotta get the internet, ya know!), and hoepfully (if the bastids from Sears ever CALL me) so will the fridge, but I'm thinking we might have to go a couple of days fridge free. Luckily, we have two HUGE ice coolers, and a pratically bare fridge, so that should work out well. I'm going to do a DITL on Thursday, even though the 'official' DITL day was yesterday. Pffht. *laughs*

June:
So, it's the end of the week (Yaaay!!) and we just got paid (YAYYY!!) and I'm merrily plotting on what to do with the 'loose' money (within reason, of course!)

So. Let's start with making more money. I've got a 401(k) that I can use to 'play' with stocks.

July:
There really should be more four day weekends - they are lovely - just long enough to TRULY enjoy the weekend, but not quite long enough that I am dreading (anymore than usual) coming to work. So....

Didn't do NEARLY as much as I planned, but did do the important stuff.  The bathroom is spotless! The kitchen - mostly spotless. It was spotless before I leapt upon it and wrecked it with a 4 hour cooking marathon.

August:
Your Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers.

September:
This is the fourth time today that I've clicked on 'write' when I meant to click on 'notes'. I guess that is the universe's snarky ass way of telling me that if I want notes, I need to bloody write something, eh?

Be warned - this entry has more parenthetical comments than - than - heavens, I don't know what, therefore it might be an adventure to read. 

Let's see.

October:
Why, yes, I AM still alive. Bullets, cuz I'm random like that.

• I have instruction manuals for both the knitting machine and the sewing machine, as well as bobbins and needles and yarn and thread and the like. Now, I just have to muss things up, and turn my dining room table into a craft center.

November:
Haven't even started writing today - naughty, naughty girl. I've been pounding away on a document I need to get done for SWHC that I need to finish at work so that I can print out many many free copies, so - yeeeahhh. 

I may be the oddest person ever - really - I get moody for the silliest of reasons - just resentful that things aren't going MY way. *stomps foot*

Why yes, I AM a brat.

December:
But I'm not sleepy in the least - I'm just tired. The kind of tired that makes you snippy. The kind of tired that makes doing anything more than laying draped on a couch under a blankie seem not only unfair, but also rather mean. The sort of tiredness that makes you want to throw tantrums and stomp your feet and pout because dammit - if  you could just GO TO SLEEP everything would seem to be sooo much better. But you can't. Cuz you aren't SLEEPY.

Just tired.

Historically Speaking.....

So - I was digging around in my old files, and stumbled across this - and since it HAPPENS to be on the same day (jsut seven - SEVEN!!!!! years ago) I figured it would be cool to post it.

Loving U....aint't easy.... - 11/16/99

Yeah.. I'm at work Again....when else would I be able to write in peace??

I had a most interesting conversation yesterday...about falling in love & being in love. I was talking to one of my friends who is sprung...in love.. head over heels. Her man is her life, her heart , her soul. She has said quite often that she would not want to live without him, and that she is in a constant state of depression because he is in NYC and she is here. Okay...well and good. That is lovely and all for her, but when she tried to say that that is what being in love is all about. And at that point I bust out with... " I think that i am too independent to ever fall in love." * laughs * I nearly had the whole computer lab in chaos, as all these women tried to tell me that falling in love doesn't mean giving up who you are, it just means a blending of you and somebody else. * sighs * And yeah, I listened to what they had to say, but all of them were talking about how they started doing things what they never thought they would do... and I asked " That isn't a change of who you are?" they said that I would do these things without thinking about..simply because I wanted to...but why would I suddenly want to do something that I never wanted to do before...because I was in love?? * rolls eyes * Somehow.. I think not. And I don't think they understood what I was trying to say. What I was trying to say... in my own brief words was: I am unable to give of myself fully...I am unable to let myself go all the way. I analyze everything to see how this affects me . My boundaries of how far I let anyone into my heart have been set in stone, and it will take a lot more than love to break them down. I have fought too long and too hard to be my OWN woman to suddenly turn into a creation of someone else's love. And sometimes I regret that...a lot of times. Sometimes I wish that I I couldn't be so coldly analytical, and that I could let emotions run me for more than a few days. But I can't... or at least at this point in my life I won't. Why? *shrugs * I got burnt rather badly as a child... * laughs * Yeah.. I'm blaming this one on my 'parents' cuz going through 3 divorces between the same two people doesn't inspire precisely the greatest faith & trust in love. Going to shelters and cars and other folx houses cuz love led you there...doesn't quite inspire the security and comfort that I want in my life...so I opt out of that whole falling IN love shyt. I love... *nods * oh yes I love totally and fully and with my all. But I love as *thinks * as a part of me that is extended. My love is not so tightly wound around who I am that it can't be released without taking parts of me with it. I love as part of a feeling that I have FOR a certain person...but if that person was gone... I would not be destroyed within myself. I guess that is why I tend to treat my friends and my lovers so much the same. I am not willing to give anyone a higher status.. because that means I would have to do more than just love this person.. I would have to let that person inside of me...let them roam around the solitude that I call my heart..but I want to keep those rooms all to myself... letting no one else in...I need a place to retreat to that I can always call all mine own... created by me for me...and I let my heart be that place. So...yeah... I think I am too independent to fall in love. It requires a amount of change and rapture that I am not warm enough to see. *laughs * as my girlfriend says... 'caught up in the rapture' I *sighs * I ain't strong enough to endure the pain of falling OUT of love... so I never let my self go to fall In in the first place. *sighs * Maybe if I just once saw a happy love affair... that lasted till death did them part... that STARTED and ENDED with them still IN love..and not having gone to them just 'lovin' each other.. I might have a little more faith. But until the fairy tales start to come true... I will stick to loving those who deserve my love...and not fallin...for nothing.

Stay Jazzed.

---

Scarily enough, even afterh aving fallen head over heels in love, and having been married for three years - I still can't really disagree with the 21 year old I was then. I KNOW that there are parts of me that I don't let C into - and every day, I judge what I do for HIM means to ME.

*laughs*

I DO, however, do things for him that I would never have pictured myself doing for someone else - just because he likes it. I'm SO giving, and SO loving, that - I can't really hold back giving to others - I just hold back on giving MYSELF to others.

I think that sometimes, THAT is why I'm so - freaked/eager to have a child - because I think that will be the event that really shows me a hint of the expanse of my love.

Hair through the years

I'm going to start with a quick history of my hair in pictures (really, I'm procrastinating from doing all of the other stuff that I should be doing), but - if I don't do it now, I'll just keep putting it off.

Anywho!!!


Starting with me as a wee one - isn't that just the cutest afro EVER???




Now, I grew up Muslim - so, I couldn't find ANY pictures of me between birth & high school (when I made the choice to take off the veil) that had me bareheaded. I had hair though - really, I did!

So - we fly through many, many, many years - and I'm back on the scene - with a short, short relaxed hair. I wish I could remember how MUCH hair I cut off to get this style - I'm certain I was beyond shoulder length - but I can't remember how FAR below shoulder, as I got a relaxer, and promptly chopped it all off. So - this is the next picture I have of me - freshman year at college....



I HATED having a relaxer - unless I went through a can of hairspray, and spent at least an hour in front of the mirror with a curling iron, I looked like a wet cat. So, I went with braids instead - at least until my natural hair grew out enough for me to do something with. I was in braids all of sophmore & junior year.



Once my hair grew out enough - I started doing twists.... that carried me through junior & senior year, and the first six months out of college...







This is the point that I get really confused at.... I'm not sure if my hair was REALLY that long, or if I was just treating it SO badly that I made it unmanageable, but - I got sick of dealing with it, and I started locking....

My locks - well, they carried me along well - until I started going crazy and doing the dye thing - which slowly, slowly, slowly, killed my locks - check out this progression from thick and full to thin and stringy.....








*sigh*

So, so very sad. So - I got sick of my dreads, and said - hey! It's been five years - why not try going back to loose hair? So - I slowly, slowly picked my dreads out (rather than cutting them out as most people suggest doing) and a bucket o'hair later



I was a short haired gal again.



Then, I (not having learnt my lesson about dye yet) went bleached blond, and rich red, in a matter of ohh..... five hours?




And, I went back to the twists.

This was REALLY the point at which I started my 'hair journey' you could say - I REFUSED to live in twists, and I also refused to believe that my hair was simply UNMANAGEABLE - so I started hunting around online - and I found - and fell head over heels into - TLHC.....

I started hennaing..... and doing all the other fun stuff I talk about in my journal - and - well, growing it out. Really, I'm just growing out the dyed ends now - I'm cutting them off with the moon just as fast as I can.... so I haven't SEEN any real increase in length - I think I'm cutting it off/breaking it off almost as fast as I'm growing it.

So! I want to take pictures of my hairstyles (and sad attempts at hairstyles), as well as the creeping line of natural colored hair (henna does NOTHING colorwise to my virgin hair), and - hopefully, since I can't really MEASURE my hair because of the intense curliness (I can say my hair is 4 inches long, or that it is 16 inches long - each strand of hair is 4 inches, but then I have a big ole 12 inch head, so..........)

*does happy dance*

Laters ya'll!!!

To further creep myself out....

Continuing the whole 'creeping myself out' process - here's another interesting tidbit around 2012 - I acutally read through the article and checked out some links - and this one about John Titor seemed - well, creepy. Basically (the short version) he was a dude who posted on the net in 2000/2001, claiming to be from 2036, andsaid he was 'returned' in order to jack some old school computer that was needed to decode some legacy *ROFLOL* programs.

Not saying I BELIEVE in any of this - but, hell - it's odd, ya know? Here are some of his statements about the next couple of years.

• A Second American Civil War from 2004-2008, during which civil liberties would be surrendered under the guise of National security. (I think this is the creepiest prediction of em all - we've still got another TWO YEARS to go)
• An event similar to the "parting of the Red Sea" will occur in 2012.
• Third World War in 2015, a gradual global escalation that was ended by Russia bombing American, European and Chinese cities.
  • John suggests "avoiding Washington DC" at approximately 3:45am, March 12, 2015.
  • Sometime before this point (referred to as "N-Day") China forcefully annexes Japan, Korea and Taiwan.
  • Chemical and Biological weapons are used, and some "non-lethal" weapons turned out to be quite lethal.
  • Australia successfully repels a Chinese invasion.
  • The war kills over 3 billion people.
• Post-war
  • Communities of survivors gathered and grew around libraries and universities.
  • The United States split into five regions based on various factors and differing military objectives.
  • The US Constitution was changed by a Constitutional Congress.
  • A President is elected for each of the five major areas of the US.
  • The powers of the union government are more defined and reside at the county and state level.
  • The Vice President is elected separately.
  • The US Capital is in Omaha, Nebraska.
• Life in 2036:
• Society
  • Military service plays a large part in day-to-day life.
  • Federally subsidized welfare is gone.
  • Capital Punishment is still implemented.
  • Communities have returned to a family/community centred state, advised by elders.
  • Politics is no longer dual-party, with over 10 major political parties.
  • Texas is Hispanized.
  • International travel is rare and infrequent.
• Religion and Beliefs
  • Religion is far more personal and plays a major part in day-to-day life.
  • There are no large centralized religions.
  • The Ten Commandments have been restored to the "10" that God gave Moses.
  • Sabbatarianism, or worship on Saturday is a common practice.
• Technology
  • Wireless internet is ubiquitous.
  • Television and Telephony are delivered via the Web.
  • Books and other hard media are now distributed online and printed from local hubs.
  • Napster distributes music, but Microsoft and Yahoo no longer exist.
  • Digital Cameras are the norm, film is used only by artists.
  • Power is not distributed over long distances. Alternate forms of generation are common, the most prevalent being solar.
• Environment
  • The environment is heavily affected by radiation. The lack of potable water is the biggest enviromental issue.
  • Global Warming has had little effect. Temperature is about the same although there were anomalies after the war.
  • The ice-caps are still melting at a constant rate.
  • Fresh water is hard to come by, thus supply is controlled.
• Health
• The birth rate is much lower, due to a high number of birth defects and stillbirths.
• Mad Cow, or vCJD in humans, is a devastating public health problem.
• Cures for AIDS and Cancer have not been found. Viral therapy is used for Cancer.

Interesting, isn't it?? I'm not sure what's worse - that none of this stuff would really SUPRISE me if it happened, or the fact that he said it would happen.

Superstitious?

It's interesting. I don't consider myself superstitious, so to speak - but I do believe that there is something/someone's else all out there. I do believe that the ancients may have known things that we've forgotten, and I do believe in race memory. Ask me to prove any of those things, and it's like - phhhft. But - they FEEL right to me, and considering the deeply, throughly anally logical creature that I am, that's rather - important.

Anyhow! The reason I bring this up, is just to give myself a little shiver. Not sure how many of ya'll know this, but I do believe that the world as we know it is winding down to a lovely big ole booming end. From economics, to energy, to war, to disease, to debt, to climate, to water, to oil - it's all going - haywire. Loopy, and looping in a distinctly downhill direction. I don't think that there are many people who would disagree with that list - but I think that MOST people believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that light is a train. Hey, I'm a pessimist! What can I say?

So! I was wandering about online, looking for something to catch my interest, and stumbled across the whole 2012 thingy.  Now, I've always had a good deal of respect for the Mayans - they were some bloody well advanced people, blood sacrifices none the less. And really, what is war but a blood sacrifice to the twin gods of Money and Power? Humph, at least they kept the shit meaningful and personal.  So, anyhow, was checking that out. I've already made it a personal goal of mine to be as well set up on the homestead by 2012 - with animals and gardens and the like. I also want to be able to shoot well by then - I don't LIKE guns in the least, but they can be some damn useful things. At the very least, I want a good crossbow. Largely because a) I think that shit is going to cost - ungodly amounts of money, and as I plan on being WELL into frentic babymaking by then so I'm going to have to contribute to the house in SOME shape or form, and because b) mofo's are rude and shady as hell now, what's it going to be like once things REALLLY get hard and there is a woman, with kids, whose husband is at work, and who appears to be kinda prosperous?? I WILL shoot a mofo.

Then, there is a personal - superstition, that I have. Friday the 13th is usually considered a bad luck day - and my birthday is January 13th. In my own personal twisting of the 'doom and gloom' of Friday the 13th, (as well as based on purely personal historical evidence) I've noticed that any year in which my birthday falls on the 13th is an - well, it's an interesting year. Interestingly enough, in the 29 years I've been around, I've had 5 Friday birthdays - one was my 1st (1978), one was my 7th (1984),  one was my 12th (1989), one was my 18th (1995), one was my 29th (2006), and the next one will be my 35th (2012).  Considering that I have little to no memory of my childhood (everything before 12-13ish is a blur - I can remember some significant incidents, but otherwise *shrugs* - sometimes I think that is why I don't FEEL as old as I am - I don't really HAVE 29 years worth of memories - I really only have 18) the years that I DO remember (which really, only leaves two) were definitely intensely - life chaning and significant to ME.

And, just in general, I think that the birthdays that those years fell on were rather - significant. Let's see - the first birthday, important. 7th birthday, important in a mystical kinda way. 12th birthday - last birthday I was really a 'child', and then -  I mean really - 1995? I went to college, chopped my hair off, got stalked, got laid, lost a BUNCH of fake ass friends, met my father for the first time, came out as bi, *thinks* Shit, what ELSE did I do that year? besides the whole moving 1200 miles away from home, and that general freshman year type stuff.....
And this year - so far it's been - interesting. We got a house (which really, trumps everything else) I'm reclaiming faith, losing weight, making LOADS of friends, went to my first birth, and, the year is BARELY halfway over. Soo... I think that 2012 will be - interesting. Not sure if that'll be interesting in the GOOD way, or interesting in the Chinese curse kinda way, but definitely - interesting.

So - wasn't REALLY going anywhere with that one - just wanted to write something out to waste some time (only 4pm!! Wahwahwahaaaaaa) and also to record some of the odd thoughts that drift through my head.

Days Go By.....

So. Tommorow, around 9:10pm, I'll officially be 29.

It's - interesting, me getting older - esp with all else that has been happening to me and around me. Looking back over the years, I'm certainly NOT where I thought I would be at 29, but - I'm - happy with where I am. I have a husband whom I love (and loves me), I've got a job that pays the bills and a plan for the future. I've got friends, and joy, and love. I don't have kids - or a house - yet, but - I see that in our close future. And really - I'm - HAPPY, dare I say it?

What else? As I was just recently telling a friend of mine, these are the most boring days of my life ever - but I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I'm working with a local doula as an apprentice - she/we have a client due on the 14th (or so her doc tells her, but she usually runs long) and wouldn't THAT be a birthday gift from heaven! Me & The Boy are applying to be on Amazing Race 10 - wouldn't THAT be just - fucking FABULOUS? My mommy is happily settled into her new house. We still only have one cat, but I figure that if we should get another, one will - land on our doorstep so to speak. I've been working out (have any of you guys heard of Tabata Intervals? They are MURDER, to say the least - but my new mantra is I can do ANYTHING for 20 seconds), I've been writing, I've been working on my small business Idea (outside of doulaing). Life is -  wonderful.

I've noticed that the years where my birthday (the 13th) falls on a Friday tend to be - interesting years - years of radical change - to say the least. :) Even though my life is boringly wonderful now - I could deal with some radical change, because I KNOW that the change will just shove me - us - further down the path to the rest of our life. :) And The Boy actually made it home in time for us to ring in the new year together - can you believe I almost forogt to kiss him? *laughs* It's been so long, I forgot about that delightful little bit of tradition. So - the year started well, it's been going well, - *smiles* and I see good things in our future.

Salud!

On the Cusp of something New.....

So - what's happened to me this year?

• New Job
• New City
• New Friends
• New Diary Name
• My kitling died
• My mommy brought a house
• We started a budget and stuck to it
• I started exercising
• I stopped smoking
• I learned how to make homemade sourdough
• I started training to be a doula
• I went to therapy
• I learned how to swim
• We brought a new car (without going further into debt)
• We brought a new computer (without going further into debt)
• We got new phones (without going further into debt)
• We've paid off a lot of our debts

All in all, it's been a DAMN good year. It's had some rough spots - but really, 2005 has been a GOOD year for me. Somehow, I think that next year will be even better (come on POWERBALL!!!) and I think that this New Years Eve will be remarkable in its peace. I considered going out, and doing the damn thing - but eh. I thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it, and finally said - ya know, the only reason I would be going out is because I'm 'supposed' to, and not really because I wanted to. So, tonight it'll just be me & the hubby (and I'm hoping that this year, he MIGHT make it home in 2005 so we can celebrate the start of 2006 together) and the kitling and some champange, and black eyed peas, and collard greens, and cornbread, and ham. Oh yeah, I'mma do it up RIGHT.
So - may next year be the best year of your life - at least until the year after that.
Cheers, Salut, and Love!!!
Kiya!

unpleasant possibilities....

Got a note on this yesterday, and figured I would actually write it out, as I never have before.

I've always wondered if I was sexually abused as a child. I certainly don't remember it - but it would make a lot of things - not necessarily CLEAR, but understandable. I honestly don't remember most of my childhood - from about 5 until 15 is mostly a blur in my mind. I can't remember all the places where we lived - and there were A LOT - some places that my mom will talk about, and I have TOTALLY no recollection of ever living there, much less the people that we interacted with - though sometimes I will get flashes of places in my head, or someplace will REMIND me of someplace else, and I'm never sure if it's a true memory, or just some odd deja vu.

So - what makes me wonder?? Hmm... I've ALWAYS been sexually aware - always. The first sexual encounter I actually remember I was about - 4? and I was 'playing' with a little girlfriend of mine during a slumber party. I can't remember exactly what we did, I just remember us being either under the covers or in a sheet tent, me talking her out of her pajama bottoms, and then playing with her girlparts. After that - I honestly can't remember how many of my little friends I 'explored' with - boys and girls - but for me, it wasn't really exploring - I knew exactly what I was doing, and what results there would be. *frowns*

I finally stopped when I was around *thinks* 13? 14? and it really hit me how HORRIBLE what I was doing was. I remember when I was about 8 or 9, my mom taught me about the facts of life - and that book turned me on. I would sneak it out of the bookshelf and read it repeatedly - it was a kids picture-comic style book, and the page where the mom and dad were under the covers doing their thing got MUCH play. At the same age - I remember because we were living in a house (the only one we ever lived in) and I would go through my stepfathers bookshelves (once again sneaking books) and read every book I could find that had sex in it - there was this one about this country girl who went to DC and fucked her way to the top that I was obsessed with for at LEAST 3 years - I would read the book over, and over, and over, and over again.

A lot of my 'obsessiveness' I suppose, retreated when I hit puberty - at least that I can recall. But of course, that's when I started packing on the weight - whoooo boy, did I start gaining weight. In fact, hah - looking back on it, I was one sad, depressed, smart little girl. All I did was eat and read - usually hiding away in my room, escaping to the wonderful world in the books - but I always tied that to the misery/loneliness that were part and parcel of my puberty years as a Muslim girl living in my mothers' & stepfather's marriage. What a misery of love that was...

There's a boyfriend of my mothers that I DISCTINTLY remember - his name was Omar, and I think she dated him when I was about 3 or so - maybe a little younger and when I was around 13, I wrote a 'letter' to myself - basically an autobiography, and I included him in the list of men that were in my life at one point or another. I showed it to my mother, and she said that she had no clue who he was (and I know that I'm not quite remembering what she said right - but it was basically - he shouldn't be in there) - yet I remember this man CLEARLY, always have. I think it's because - when I was little, my mom would braid my hair into about 5 or 6 thick braids - and I got it into my little head to cut OFF the braid right at the crown of my head. I think he was the one who disciplined me, and if he wasn't, he was definitely in the scene somewhere. I always thought it odd that my mom denied this guy existed - I never had a doubt that I remembered him - in fact I think that he was the one that first introduced her to Islam.

What else? I don't know really - it seems like such a 'faddish' thing to claim *swoons dramatically* Alll of my sexual problems are rooted in the fact that I was abused as a child - even though I don't remember it!!! Gah. I've got several close friends who WERE abused, and who clearly remember their abuse, and - *shudders* castration is too good for the men who abuse children that way.

*frowns* I have a very hard time associating sex with love. It just - it doesn't feel right. I feel like I shouldn't be having sex with someone that I love - that it cheapens/dirties the love somehow. However, having multiple one night stands - well, that's perfectly acceptable, and almost - normal, somehow. The more I love someone, the more platonic it becomes - which is something that I acknowledged about myself a while ago - once I FALL in love, I swiftly fall out of lust - and I've always wondered why my partners didn't value the purity and innocence of my love as much as I did.

Sex to me, is always more fun when there's a power play involved. I've always wished that I could be a stripper - in fact, my VERY first OD entry wayy back in 1999, and right at the start of my rampant promiscuity talked about me either being a stripper or a hooker - and me lamenting the fact that I was too damn fat to dance, and too damn picky to fuck just anyone for money. Sex for money however, or the 'illusion' of sex for money has always made PERFECT sense to me. It's worth something, and I don't mean that in the LEAST bit in an emotional way. And somehow, I don't feel like paying for pussy devalues it - in fact, I feel more like it ACKNOWLEDGES it's value in something concrete, rather than that wussy ass emotional floaty ghostliness that is love.

Incest is one of my 'nasty' little fantasies. Usually uncle/niece, or stepfather/stepdaughter. Rarely father/daughter, and NEVER mother/son. And usually, it's the girl who initiates - who basically seduces the older man - makes him want her, and fuck her well. I've actually never admitted that - it's - horrid. It's taboo, both socially and biologically, and it's one of the few things that'll get me off faster that a 17y/o virgin surrounded by gyrating naked playboy models. I feel - dirty - just admitting it, but - it's a hot, sexy, dirty.

And - see - that's about it. *shrugs* Not much to base anything on. Really - nothing to base anything on. Nothing to even SUSPECT anything on. Simply odd tweaks in my personal sexual personality. The fact that I don't remember most of my childhood I always chalked up to just natural childhood forgetfulness, and the fact that I was homeschooled, so I didn't have the 'regular' schedule of school/home/grades/summer vacation to stabilize my memories in time. My sexual obsessiveness, which turned into rampant promiscuity, and now into sexual withdrawal, I've always chalked up to me just being me. My mother's forgetfulness of Omar is the only thing that - seems odd, almost unexplainable. I need to see if I can find that letter, I know that I still have it.

So - it's just something that I wonder about sometimes - a worry that curls in my gut, that one day I'll wake up from a dream screaming and sobbing with the memories that I don't want to have, don't think I have, yet I worry lurks deep inside my subconscious somewhere. And really, I don't think about it that often - in fact, I usually only think about it when someone else brings it up - I don't want to 'create' memories, and dammit, if I have them, I'd really rather they stay in the deep, deep basement of my mind.

review, troops long past review....

So....actually had a rather good weekend - lots of snuggles and cuddles and kisses - but still no sex. I feel like I'm warming up to it though - I really wish this damn triage nurse would call be back. Thank heavens I'm not in serious/desparate need.

So - I figured that I would list all of my sexual partners (in order, as much as I can). It's actually been a long while since I've done that - I've actually lost track of how many folx I've done the deed with - I'm doing to include sexual contact of any kind (oral, anal, vaginal) as being 'valid' so to speak.

---

High School

1) Devon - the first, the guy I lost my virginity too. Bad boy, but got to be a little too bad for me - after a certain point, I refused to deal with his self-destructive tendencies.

2) Daz - high yellow honey. We dated, had sex (I lusted after his brother), and he was the first 'older' guy. He fell in love with one of my good friends - and I was pissed, but got over it rather quickly.

3) Toddie - first guy I knew who died in gang-related violence. Sucked his dick late one night in my mom's house, as I had been crushing on him for years. He came really fast and totally ruined my crush.

4) Harrison - one of my best friends ex - we crept around behind her back for a LONG time (after they had broken up). Last I heard (about two or three years ago) she's still mad at me over that one.

5) Alfred - my first 'real' boyfriend (as in, the first one I introduced to my mother). He was obsessed over me, and taught me that tears from a man is no reason to renig on the breakup. He was my first anal experience - and to only be 17, the boy knew what he was doing. I broke up with him firmly and finally the first week I was in college.

College

6) Mike - my first college boyfriend - reminded me a LOT of Alfred, size wise. He was a pathological liar though, and played with me & another girl for most of our four years in college. Me and the other girl hated each other on sight - before we even knew he was sleeping with both of us.

7) James - Mike's good friend - I bounced between the two of them for most of my college years. He was a supreme dork, and the only man (thus far) to get me pregnant.

8) Joy - my first female experience. She was amazing shy, and it was both of our first time - I liked her, didn't like her boobs.

9 & 10) T&T - the couple I hooked up with a swung with. Never HAD sex with Taylor (the male half) because that was against their couple rules - but I sure as hell wanted to, and he wanted me too. Tasha - I dated, fell in and out of love with.

11) Q - boy I met online. Only hooked up with him once - sucked his dick. Eh.

12) Mike (a different one) - had the tinest dick I'd EVER seen. I mean, damn. *LOL* I always thought he was gay, as the only way he could get it up was doggy style. Or maybe he just thought I was ugly.

13) Jeremy - 12 years older, acted like an incestuous uncle. Through him I ran into the APC - but he was so possesive that I only had sex with two other guys the whole year and a half I ran with them.

14) Terrell - dumb ass ex-con - did a threesome with him & Jeremy.

15) Antonio - Jeremy's best friend - sucked his dick with his girlfriend to prove a point.

16) Tony - He was such a sweetie - I met him at a club, and he sweet talked me home. Everytime I went back, I hoped to run into him.

17) Mohammed - fine ass Iraqi dude I met at a club. Went back to his hotel and had funky sex with him.

18) The cabbie who took me to Mohammed's hotel - yup, left M's hotel, went back to mine with the cabbie. He sucked.

19) Samson - fine ass Egyptian dude - freaky as hell - the one who treated me like a little slut. Lied through his teeth about EVERYTHING. Met him once, randomly ran into him at another club. Fabulous sex both times.

20) Abdul - dude who's room I left crying. I THINK we had sex, but I was so damn drunk, I don't really remember.

21) Ishmael - tall, funny looking african dude who refused to let me come. I got sick of it, made myself come, and snuck out of his apartment once he fell asleep. Swiped the necklace he let me wear, and still wear in on occasion. Always gives me a little chuckle.

22) Zayil - sweet african guy (the african tended to be REALLY sweet). Fed me breakfast and smoked fifty million cigs with me.

23) Paul - coworker of mine, I never HAD sex with him, though he did 'invite' me over to his apartment and try to convince me to do the deed. He gave me one of the best professional recommendations I've ever gotten.

24, 25 & 26) Swing Club dudes - one got me off sucking my nipples, another fingered me for like 5 HOURS straight, and another one ate me out. I fucked none of them.

27, 28, & 29) Various men & women I encountered at swing parties with T&T. It may have been more than three - but I know it was at least three.

30) Random Guy - met him online, convinced him to come over and fuck me. It was - odd.

31) Random Guy #2- dude from the bus stop - my 'oh shit' sexual encounter.

32) Marvin - despite having a stupid name, this was a fine, tall, skinny, black cop. Watching him strip out of his uniform - possibly the sexiest thing EVER.

Post - College

33) Hubby - my husband. Had sex with him on our first date. Still having sex with him on occasion.

34) Angie - thick white girl who 'pretended' to be bi. In other words, she recieved, and never gave - heifer. She had a sweet pussy though.

---

Damn!! That list ended up being MUCH longer than I expected it to be. Hmm....10 years, roughly 34 people - roughly 3 people a year. I'm pretty sure I'm missing some though - at least one or two other girls in college, and heaven knows I'm missing some more of the college/swing club people - I had sex at LEAST twice each visit, with different people.

That was actually - rather interesting. Hmm.....I'll add to this list as others pop into my head.

Starting Over

Those first two entries were pulled from elsewhere, but I suppose I should start from the beginning. Who knows how long it's going to be before I can actually get an appointment with the woman, and maybe by the time we make it, I won't need it anymore.

My sexual history: I was always interested in sex - I can remember sneaking books off of my parents shelves - Everything you wanted to know but were too afraid to ask about SEX! Some book about a woman using her sexual prowess to basically start to rule Congress. Where babies come from - all of it by the age of ten. It was fascinating to me, and gave me warm giggly goosebumply feelings. I was fascinated with other peoples sexual organs - but mostly in a very - clincal kind of way. My earlist sexual memory was about 4 or so - me and a girlfriend exploring each others parts under the bedsheets during a sleep-over.

Even as I got older (I stopped around 13), and KNEW it was wrong (and oh, the feelings of guilt I carried around over THIS one) I would 'explore' the private bits of the babies I babysat - I don't remember feeling aroused - just - curious. My mother was a nurse, and very blunt about sex. She told me about everything there was to know, and gave me the rundown about everything you could get - diseases & babies - and everything you couldn't get - real love - from sex. She caught me & a 'boyfriend' messing around one day, and promptly took me to the clinic for birth control pills the next day. I was 15. I lost my virginity at 17 - I met the boy at my best friends 16th birthday party. He was my first 'real' boyfriend, and I thought his badboy persona was about the sexiest thing ever. I didn't have sex with him to 'prove' something, or to make him love me (as he was already obsessed) I was just - curious about what the hoopla was about. And after it was over (rather funny - and not at all painful), I remember walking home shrugging my shoulders, trying to figure out what the big deal was.

I had various sexual encounters in high school - had sex in a park (same boy I lost my virginity with) sex in a boyfriends house (the one my mom caught me with - FINALLY actually did the deed), sucked dick in my mom's living room (another bad boy I was desparate to impress), had anal sex (we were out of condoms and he was really horny - needed LOTS of vaseline - and it actually wasn't too bad - he was obsessed with me too) - and all in all - thinking back on it - I'd say I had sexual encounters with definitely 4, maybe 5 boys in the year and a half before I graduated from high school. It was never really something I WANTED - it was just something I did - something I was talked into, something I gave in to.

In college, for the first 3 years or so, I had sex with two boys - one was my boyfriend freshman and junior year (M) - a huge block of a man, sexy as hell but a consistant liar, and the other, who was an absolute sweetie, but had about as much sense (and desire to actually freaking GRADUATE) as a cat has for taking a bath (J). I enjoyed sex, certainly, but I can never remember really - WANTING it. It was more of a path to - companionship, friendship, and despite all my momma had told me, a shortcut to love.

The last two years of college I like to call my 'slutyears'. I went all out - started cheating on M with a man and a woman, having finally decided that I had to stop 'talking' about being bi and figure out if I really was (yes, and still am). I found the wonderful world of the internet - and being in a major metropolitan city, I found PLENTY of people who were interested in a lil sumthin sumthin. Looking back on it, I think I was lost, lonely, suffering from depression and severely stressed, and offering myself sexually was how I got some 'relief' from the constant decision-making of the rest of my life. I joined a 'swing group' that had regular parties, and was actually crowned 'Best Dicksucker of 1999'. I partied like sex was about to be outlawed.

I came to a screeching halt when I picked up a dude at a bus stop, and let him fuck me in an alley way. That was when it hit me that this behavior was unheathly, dangerous, and likely to get me somewhere I really didn't want to be. I slowed down some, but still hung out with the sexual friends I had made in my slutyears - and actually starting dating one - T. I was the other layer of girl bread in her & her husband's swinging life, and as they went through a divorce, we fell in love. With her was the first time I ran into the 'not interested in sex' wall. We were together about six months, and literally, I'd rather clean the bathroom than have sex with her. It wasn't that I didn't love her (I did, but not nearly as much as she loved me) - I just wasn't interested.

We finally broke up - mostly because she, like a lot of lesbians (she finally gave up the bi label after he divorce) wanted to rush into marriage/living together/settling down - and I hadn't even graduated from college yet, and simply wasn't interested. I was actually approaching cheating on her with one of my boyfriends from college (J), and ended up getting pregnant the first time we had sex after I broke up with T.

I was miserable, furious with myself for having unprotected sex (we used a condom, but I wasn't on the pill anymore - dating a girl for 8 months would do that to you), furious at him for being utterly unwilling to even consider being a father, furious at life for sending me such a fucked up curveball. I love children, but then (and even now) was unwilling to have a child until I was ready. I was depressed, sad, and had the worst case of 1st trimester exhaustion ever - on top of the stress of taking senior finals. I had an abortion on Good Friday 2000, at 11w5days - two days before it would have been illegal to terminate, and as I walked out of the clinic, a huge weight lifted off of me - and a very simple, very cautious realization settled on me. EVERY man I had sex with could be the father of my child. Every. Single. One. Pill, sponge, condom, IUD, whatever - it didn't matter. The human race is DESIGNED to procreate, and well, shit happens.

I graduated (barely), got a new job in a new city, and basically ran as far as I could away from everything that I had gone through in the last 6 months. It took me close to a year to totally forgive myself, 3 years to forgive him, and I met the man who I would marry Labor Day, 2000. I hadn't had sex for close to 7 months, and he introduced me to weed, and every scrap of repressed sexual desire sprung out of me. In the first 3 months of our relationship, we had sex almost every which way imaginable - I wouldn't do anal, and I wasn't all that crazy about sucking dick - but the powertrip that I got off of it got me over the power loss that I felt doing it. We had sex almost every night, and I came in wild gushes. We had sex three or four times most weekends, doing nothing but lay in bed, and have sex. That was the last time we had a sexual relationship that fully satisfied him.

We both hated condoms, and after having been declared 'clean', and knowing that we were exclusive, I got on the Pill, and my sex drive literally went through the floor. We almost broke up several times, because I simply wasn't interested in having sex. I cried, we had screaming matches, but we both KNEW that each other was something seriously worth holding onto, and we worked our way through it. I got off the Pill (after a particularily emotionally painful discussion that ended up with me sobbing in the corner of a room), and got an IUD June 2001. Despite all of our troubles - and I guess the clear signs that THIS would be an issue, he asked me to marry him Thanksgiving Day, 2001. I gleefully said yes. We got married a little less than 3 years later, on April Fools Day, 2004.

Our sexual relationship has gone down the hill since. I've actually lost weight (close to 70 pounds), and while he's even more attracted to me, I could go for months - literally - without even once THINKING about having sex.

I'm an imaginative girl, and I've tried to pretend like he's someone else - that's worked once or twice. I've tried to create my own little fantasy inside my head - that's never worked. I've tried to have HIM treat me like a cheap little slut - and I get pissed off because the power in our relationship is too evenly distributed for me to get off on that. We've screamed, cried, threatened to leave, thrown stuff, stopped talking, stopped having sex, read books, watched shows - and 3 months later, I look up, and he's upset because we haven't had sex in 3 weeks.

Finally, (as I wrote in the first entry in this diary) I've caved. I've tried to tell myself that maybe I'm just NOT a sexual person - I love touching, and being touched, and being loving and huggy and physically affectionate - but sex turns me off. I've tried to convince myself that there's something wrong with HIM, not with me. I've tried to defiently ignore his moods, and the fact that to him sex IS love. And - I can't do it anymore. I love him too much to put US through this kind of pain. So I give. I yield. I lay down my pride and my determination - and if that damn triage nurse EVER calls me back - I'm going to start therapy. Because. It just ain't right.

With all that said - I don't think that she'll be able to do anything for me. For once, I hope that a doctor listens to my symptoms and prescribes a pill that just makes me randy. It's not that I don't LIKE sex. It's not that I don't come when we have sex. It's just that - I'm plain not INTERESTED. It's - ugh. It's kinda like cleaning the litter box - something that you KNOW has to be done - but I'll put it off until the stink is just unbearable.

YEEP!!

It's about that time - my subscription here is about to expire. So - I'm going to just copy ths whole place, and then let 'er pass in peace. :) I've settled down enough that I don't really NEED an entire diary JUST for my wedding.
Anyone who hasn't found my 'other' identity yet - I'm A'ishah. See ya round.

Creative Expressions

1)Dancing on the front porch – it was a dream of me being a ballerina that was crushed by my body. Enemy = myself

2)Images – tried to draw – the eyes, I was always drawing eyes. It was secretive and hidden because I wasn’t supposed to draw images. Enemy = Amin

3)The Writing – those letters to myself that I showed my mother who corrected the spelling. I poured out my heart and was told to rewrite the story to something that I know was false. Enemy = my mother.

4)Art as a hobby – something more worthwhile has to pay the bills. Enemy = Ummi

5)Photography – I had an eye – I was observant – I was good. What happened? What changed? The last set of real pictures I took was in Atlanta. I felt so very adrift like the photography should have a purpose and all I was doing was taking snapshots.

I may be my biggest enemy. I expect perfection from myself from the start - as if I'm too good to practice. Perhaps because everything else in my life has come so easy - I never had to study, I didn't do anything active enough to have to practice it, there was no need for concentrated repetition in my life. I picked it up fast, and I can't pick up everything that fast. It doesn't mean that I CAN'T do it - it just means that I need to practice doing it. And even the best still took an occasional snapshot.

I need to re-read the tasks, and then I will come back to this.

Go In Peace