Bitchin...

At least I'm healthy again, but now, I hate people.

I really don't want to be at work (and ooh, look, it's only noon) but that's most likely my eagerness to get home and start my vacation time.

C & I had a huge, stupid, fight last night, mostly because of a straw that broke this camels back, and him being thickheaded - I hate it when people agree with me just to shut me up - no, the conversation ain't over til it's done. *sigh*

Anyhow, now I'm all moody today because I know he's gonna be grumpy for at least two more days (oh, the delights of being married to a man moodier than you are)

And there's the trip 'home' that I have not planned for, thought about, prepped or packed for, and I know that I need to do all of that, as well, otherwise we'll leave Monday sometimes and spend the whole time at GMIL's house - and ugh. At least I've figured out our answer - we just brought a house, we're in no rush to have a baby! I have no issues whatsoever with lying to that bunch.

Hrm, what else? Had a wonderful potluck at work, and made a really good beans and rice recipe - used some Zatar, which gave it a nice full-bodied flavor. It really needs a hunk of ham to simmer with it, but I made it vegetarian so our veggie coworker would be able to eat it.

I've been spacing on taking my pills for the last few days - either walked out the house without them, or never took them at work. *shrug* I don't know - I know I need to be still taking them, but missing a day or two here and there doesn't seem to be too bad. I take them at night pretty faithfully, so it's not even a whole day, it's just a dose that I'm missing.

I SOOOOOOOOO want this day to fly by. Please?

10:09

I am falling into one of my worst habits, extrapolating doom.

Or, maybe it's one of my best habits, when kept in check.

I don't know.

But - I didn't expect the reaction I got.

*sigh*

I don't know.

He suggested - on a Friday night, where he has to get up early, and I usually stay up late - that we play the sex cards.

No.

He asked me when I was going to come to bed (as I'm messing with my hair, as I USUALLY do on a Friday), and when I asked why, he said because he's been wanting to play the sex cards.

Which, ya know, he has....but it's not like we haven't been having sex, without the cards even.

Of course, the first time he mentioned them, he said he wanted to play cards, and I got SO excited because I thought he wanted to spend time with me not associated with TV or sex.

But no.

He wanted to play sex cards.

And, so my next yeah (as I've promised MYSELF to keep my no's down to periods when I would truly feel violated by having sex) wasn't nearly as enthuased as the card playing one was.

He retracted, and we played two rounds of cards. One. Two. I won one, he won the other.

Anyhow, that was about - a week? week and a half ago? In between that time, there's been the 'letter'.

And my response, which I'm still too much of a pussy to send - and let him read.

*sigh*

Anyhow.

He asks me tonight, when I'm coming to bed, and I say not too late.

And then...

Maybe that's where I messed up.

I suggested a delay.

Because, ya know, I'm getting poked with needles and swallowing 30 odd pills a day in an attempt to try to get pregnant, and ya know, the problem might NOT even be me.

And ya know, since we had sex THIS MORNING (once again, wasn't worth my saying no), and Fertell requires a two day 'hold', I figured - hey! We can hold off, I can finish my hair, he can get the rest he needs, he can take the test Sunday, and we can play the cards Sunday night.

I mean, obviously, he'll have no problem getting it up twice a day, as that's what he suggested tonight.

'How about we play Sunday night?'

Mild look of - what? Disgust? Disappointment? Anger? Depression? Sulk? crosses his face.

'Fine.'

He looks upset, still.

'Would you mind taking the fertility test Sunday morning?'

'What?'

He's already got the upset/withdrawn look on his face. I'm wondering - did he not hear me? Did he not understand?

'Would you mind taking the fertility test Sunday Morning?'

'What does that have to do with me?'

I just look at him. What - I couldn't even understand the question - what does it have to do with him? Huh?

I begin to explain, and he cuts me off - now, very withdrawn, very upset, very cold.

'Fine.'

I look at him, hoping for something more. He stares back.

"You know that means you can't cum for two days?....."  I ask uncertainly.

'I know, that's why I said Fine.'  Short, now. Brusque. Cold. Withdrawn.

I don't understand. Maybe - maybe he's scared of the results, and that's his only way of expression. Maybe, despite having sex four times in the last week, he thinks I'm trying to dodge him. Maybe...... I don't know. Maybe he has changed his mind, and doesn't want to have kids. Maybe he has no CLUE how important and heartfelt this - journey - that I'm really walking alone - to have children is to me.

I don't know.

But - I'm tired of crying in front of him. I'm tired of crying because of him. I'm - tired, really. I don't have the energy (or according to him, the right) to fight anymore, so why even bother?

I hate love, I think.

We go on, I determine that I'm not going to bed anytime soon, and he starts watching the end bit of a movie.

Silence.

Stiff, silence.

I decide that I'm also in no mood to eat. *sigh* One carryover, I can identify, no, pinpoint clearly.

he gets up, to go to bed, and I get up to refresh the hot towel on my head. He begins telling me about his day tomorrow - long hours, again, as usual. I don't geel the usual surge of love and gratitude - more a cloak of relief that I'll be able to avoid the coldness for at least a day. I wonder - should I be TRYING to have children with him? Is it worth it? Am I repeating my mothers mistakes?

I tell him my plans for Sunday - he's off, but has to go in, and I wanted to let him know when I would be out of the house so that maybe he would time it. I explain, briefly, Mabon, and he says......yeah, you guessed it.

'Fine.'

He asks me whats on my mind, and at first, I say nothing.

No, too obvious of a lie.

Nothing I can put my fingers on.

Ah, that's a lie he'll buy.

He buys it, and goes to bed. Single, hard, cold kiss.

As soon as he's upstairs, the tears start leaking out. I straighten up the kitchen briefly (I've set up recycling bins - why can't/won't he use them?) and come to write.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to handle the not giving a fuckness.

I'm pretty sure I'm overly emotional, but.

Ah.

It'll officially be six months in exactly a week.

That just struck me.

Ah, Kendra child, what will you do with yourself and him?

And, I'm debating if I even want to be a midwife anymore - which doesn't help me, any.

And that letter is still sitting heavy on my head.

Am I being too too?

I don't know.

But I do know that I will sit here long enough to stop my tears, do my oilpulling, braid, then rinse my hair, take a shower, and dry off to go to bed with a smile.

At least, I know he won't want sex.

The question is, will he even touch me at all?

10:36

One. Two. Three.

Last night I told him that I can't wait until we've been together longer than we've been apart. Which, funnily enough, is NOT the sentiment we were actually voicing on the night before the wedding. In fact, if I remember right, we were in the midst of a HUGE fight.

For life, til death do us part.

Happy 3rd Anniversary, My Love!!

11:11

I'm a little scared that without the lubricant of altering substances - weed, alcohol, etc, we won't get along nearly as well.

I don't know why as - I love him sober, and he loves me sober.

Somehow, I just think that it won't be quite as FUN. Are we THIS fun sober? And how scary is that in general? I want to be the cool bitch that I am high, sober.

I've acheived it - ocassionally, and usually with a group of pretty fucking special women, but I don't know if I can achieve it alone - so to speak.

Which really, is rather sad. I think.

I just had a conversation with C about the fact that I don't react - 'normally' to a lot of external social stimuli.

*sigh*

More later, as it's late, and I'm tired, and just. Bleh.

11:26

Man Problems....

So why, exactly, am I freaking out about telling my husband about my plans? Okay - maybe no FREAKING out - but just - deeply nervous.
We were on Atkins together, and - he, being a man, lost weight SO much easier than I did, as well as not having to be NEARLY as strict. With me, if I even LOOKED at something high carb, I put three pounds back on.
He's also a chef - so a lot of our life revolves around good food, and good wine - and that can definitely be a benefit when it comes to creating yummy and interesting menus... I don't know.
I mean - I think that part of it is the whole - denial - thing that I was talking about in the last entry. I mean, if I can't admit to MYSELF that things have gotten out of control, how can I possibily admit it to the man I love? And god knows, I weighed more when I met him, and he still loved me, and I weighed less when I married him, and he still loved me, and I weigh more now, and he STILL loves me and finds me sexy and wants to jump my bones on the regular, so what is it?
Is it fear that once I tell him, I'll be accountable for my actions? That I'll have someone in the house who knows what I should - and should not be doing - and therefore I have an 'external' honesty control? Is it the fear that we won't be eating together? (though, honestly, I've noticed that we RARELY eat the same meal most nights anyhow). Is it fear that I will fail, and because he knows what I was doing, I won't be able to gloss over the failure as I could to myself? Is it fear because there's no 'name' for my program, I'm just going to be doing all the shit that all the weightloss books/articles/people say you should be doing? Is it fear that I'm being unfair my changing how we interact because I want to lose weight? Though, really, if most of our interaction is about/around food, that's an unhealthy pattern of behaviour ANYHOW. Is it fear of the frustration when he eats up all the good food that I've brought for lunchs/dinners? Is it fear of succeeding TOO well, and having all the men drool over me and tempt me? I don't know. I don't even know how to sit down and bring this up...I'm putting together the grocery list, and I think that is where I will start.
And ya know, part of it might be guilt because I've been mulling this over in my head, but haven't mentioned it to him, and thus - well, I feel like I've been sneaking somehow.

And the really sad part is that I KNOW that I'm tripping, and all of these fears are utterly pointless, and he will be wonderful and supportive and loving and my biggest cheerleader/encourager - so why do I feel like telling him about this is akin to being pulled on the carpet in front of my boss? We don't even have that type of RELATIONSHIP! Gahds, I need to be pyshcoanalyzed sometimes, I swear.

So - I'm trying to think of the right opener. I tried talking about changing our diet a few weeks ago, and just approached it SOOOO horribily wrong - gah, I can't believe how I hosed that one up. And that's my stumbling block - I don't know HOW to bring it up. And even more than that - I don't know what I want his role to be in this - a useful tripod to take progress pictures? A stubborn alarm clock, making sure I get up every morning? Hands-off, only complimenting me when he can see a distinctive change? I don't know - but I think that it'll be interesting, no matter what.

Yet, at the same time, I still have this distinctly unsettled feeling in my throat. Why?????

Here we go again, gotdammit

I've been with my husband for a little over six years now, married for two. When we first got together, I had been purposely abstinent for a year, and wow - those first couple of months of sex were - stellar - out of the universe - totally amazing.
Since then, my level of sexual desire has dropped, and dropped, and dropped, and dropped - and his has stayed at the same redhot level it was to start with.
We have an almost PERFECT relationship - except for the fact that I MIGHT want to have sex with him once every two months, and he wants me in the sack three times a week.
We've argued, cried, I've gone to therapy (where the doctor basically told me to have some wine and think of England), and I'm at my LAST string.
We refuse to get a divorce over sexual issues, and we want kids - really, we click EVERYWHERE except for the bedroom.
My question is - is it - unfair of me to not have 'one-sided' sex with him? Has anyone else ever done that to save their relationship (have sex despite not wanting it) and gradually - gotten used to it? Can having sex, when there is no sexual desire, create sexual desire? Prime the pump, so to speak? And how long does that take? Will resentment build up in that period of time? 

And why am I so resistant to even trying? I've never been able to connect love and sex - in fact, when I was growing up, I was told that the fact that I loved someone was no reason to have sex with them. Now, I'm being told 'If you loved me, you'd have sex with me!' and I'm still reacting with resistance - but he's my HUSBAND.
In a way - he's right, isn't he? Or is that the root of my problem - I don't think that anyone should have the right to dictate my sexual expressions - including my husband - and if I give him that right, I'll slowly start to abdicate all of my rights?
Why can't I think of it the other way around - by GIVING him my sexuality - he'll GIVE me himself. Seems like a fair trade, but it seems so - manipulative to use my sexuality so blatantly to obtain what I want - a father for my children, a partner for my life.
But - as much as it - bothers me - as much as it feels like - an abidication of something I never really claimed - I'm willing to try. *laughs* Maybe I should read some GOOD submissive porn to get my juices flowing - which, I actually like - but I don't feel like he's strong enough to have earned my submission.

Ummmm...........

*blows dust of the pages*

Eh. It's been awhile. Haven't been able/interested in writing much - I've just been SO DAMN TIRED. *huge yawn*

Umm....what's going on? Let's see - I think I've met a girl. Well, no. I KNOW I've met a girl (I guess she'll have to be D) and she's cool, sweet, funny, sexy, and all that wonderful stuff. We've only gone out twice, and have had a riproaring time BOTH times....so that's right exciting. Supposed to be going out tonight with her and another girl (who's flaked out on me before, so no high hopes) - but ugh (the above mentioned exhaustion).

Um. Don't think I like the new birth control much. It's huge, and I was feel it while we are having sex, and it's sooo not comfy. Besides the fact that me + artificial hormones = more drama and mental anguish than one woman (and her husband) should have to indure. I was hoping that since the amounts of hormones were so much lower, it wouldn't affect me - but ugh. The ring to prevent me from getting pregnant, and some other drug to prevent me from turning into a celibate hermit bitch. Bleh. I miss my little tinman.

Ah! Speaking of meeting girls, C was trying to meet a girl - and on Saturday (the day they were going to meet) he said that he thought he would like to fuck her. Mind you, I'm still under the influence of the hormones, but I reacted to that about the same way as I would if he had said 'I'd like to play cards with her.' A totally - casual grin, nod & shrug - and a demand for full details later. But, she flaked out as well (flaky ass women) so - that hasn't happened. Let's see if they hook up this weekend - but somehow I doubt it.

I tried to give myself an orgasm *thinks* Wednesday, I think it was? *sigh* It was - it was - horrid. And I was in my state - home alone, warm and comfy on the couch, a couple of glasses of wine, my naughty news group comics, and - ppphhhfft. I mean - it was like...okay - NORMAL orgasm for me - esp a self given one - is about ..... hmm - a good 5.8 on the Ricther scale. The orgasm I had Wednesday wouldn't have even made the needle jump. It was more like a stampede of four horses (compared to an EARTHQUAKE, mind you). It was the oddest thing EVER - I mean, I could feel how weak it was. It - it was a tinygasm. Hell, I've cum harder without touching myself in a wet dream! *sigh* So, I worry that's another side effect of the ring - the side effect that forced me to give up on the pill. And heaven knows, my libido is low enough as it is, I don't need any bloody HELP supressing it, thank you very much.

"Most hormonal birth control works by shutting down the ovaries, which are also the main producers of testosterone in a woman's body."

Oh bloody hell.

I'm trying to find a part time job where I can make a little extra money - sextexting. It's quite popular in the UK, rather like their phone sex. Phone sex, I couldn't do - I'm not THAT good of an actress. Typing though? Hah! I could blow someones head off. So. I need to talk to Hubby about it......but I don't think he would mind.

I'm so proud of him, by the way!! HE brought up the fact that we need to work out a new budget - the smart, brilliant man he is - finally learning some damn financial sense.

and a free spirit

Okay....remember the party? The one that was tomorrow night? Well, apparently I had a brain fart of HUGE propotions, and the damn thing is actually TONIGHT. Shite. I have nothing to wear, I have no birthday gift, I have to leave early to pick up Hubby, take him home, wait for him to shower, and come back to the party (if we make it back..... I'm only giving us a 30% chance of actually going back - whether it's because he just doesn't FEEL like it, or if it's because it's a wackass party)....and I have ANOTHER social engagement tomorrow - which means I'm going to have to get up early, drive him to work, do the usual household shit that needs to be done, primp for this event (that I REALLLLLY don't want to go to) go to that, escape, go and pick up Hubby....and finally I'll have Sunday to relax - but then, if we go car shopping, I most likely won't be able to relax totally then either. I'm not complaining - if anything, I'm trying to list out why having ANOTHER car note is a good thing rather than a bad thing.

We still haven't had the conversation about *thinks* whatever night that was when I told him to keep his trap shut - but - it's funny. For someone who is ALWAYS on me about not being communicative enough, he'll sit, and stew, and stew, and stew. I figure by Monday, there will be a full blown case of assholitis in our household. Why haven't I opened the topic? Okay - I've been reading The Ethical Slut (I HEART that book) and one of the main tenets is that you have to own your own emotions - and be able to express how they make you feel in a way that does NOT put the burden of your feelings on the other person. It's - rather freeing actually - coming to terms with the concept that I can be the BEST wife that I can be - but NOT having to take responsibility for how HE feels - only for how I feel. It sounds - selfish written out like that - but it's NOT that I don't care about how he feels - I do, and deeply - but I'm no longer going to do the work of expressing his feelings for him. In turn, I'm OWNING my feelings - when he told me earlier this week that he would 'make me a deal' and bring home fixings for cheesesteaks if I cleaned up the kitchen, I could have gotten angry/upset/disgusted over the concept of him making a DEAL - as if he EVER fucking cleans the kitchen - but instead I just let it slide off my back - and returned to my nap, since I had ALREADY cleaned the kitchen when I got home since the nasty milky water sitting in the sink was attracting flies.

It's nice - refusing to be an adult for him. Like right now, he's awake. I know he is, because his Yahoo! ID is no longer idle. But, when I get home, the house is going to look just how it did when I left - if not worse. He might find the time to lay out his clothes for tonight to make our turnaround time faster, but I doubt he would even think of that. He's most likely looking at big boob porn, and playing his video game, and he'll do that until he HAS to get up and take a shower so that he can go to work. I'm NOT looking for his car - yeah, it's painful to me for him to NOT have a car, but *shrugs* he knows how to get online, he knows how to call people - and it's NOT like he doesn't have the TIME to do it.

Ya know, I'm tired of taking care of both of us. We should be taking care of each other. and oh - don't get me wrong - most of this stuff is minor. It's just stuff that rubs me very much so the wrong way sometimes (especially when I'm hormonal) but - it's also something that I've kinda grown (growing) to accept. *sigh* We're not perfect people, in any way shape or form, and - well - I guess it's the imperfections that keep it interesting.

Right?

I'm a tart

Okay - more accurately, I'm tart. Salty, sour, all of those food related words that indicate all is not well in my mind space.

*shrugs* I'm trying, ya'll - really I am. Sex once a week - whether I really WANT it or not. *shrugs* It's supposedly worth it for the sake of peace, but *rolls eyes* Ya know, I think he thinks I'm really interested. And it came to a head last night.

We're in bed, kissing, fondling, generally having fun. He slides between my legs, and says 'Tell me how much you want me to fuck you'. I looked at him with a lovely blank look (masked by darkness), and I tried to open my mouth to say that utter lie, but it wouldn't come out.

"Come on baby, tell me how much you want my hard cock in your pussy"....oh gagNACIOUS now. I was willing to fuck him, but I most certainly didn't WANT it - and I just COULDN'T get the lie out. I pratically stammered....then I snapped - "Stop asking me stuff and just fuck me!" 15 minutes later, I'm sweetly snoozing away, debating sneaking downstairs to write an entry, no orgasm (not that I wanted one, though I did fake one to make him hurry up and come), mentally brushing off my hands in having performed my wifely duty.

This morning, as I'm flying around the house (late for leaving for work as usual) he comes into my boudoir (easiest way to explain it) and says - "Did we have sex last night, or was I dreaming?" I give him a real stupid look (damn, I didn't think he was THAT drunk) and say - yeah, we did have sex. He comes back with - "So when I was asking for what I wanted to hear, you did tell me to stop asking questions and just fuck you?" I nodded, a frown on my face. Damn, so now he doesn't just want PUSSY, he wants pussy that meows on command. "Why did you say that??"

And then, I did something very very wrong. It was 8:25, it takes me 30 minutes to get to work, I had to be here by nine, I was barely awake, and really, I just didn't FEEL like getting into it just then. I shrugged, and gave him a halfassed answer. "I just didn't feel like it." He frowned - and I KNOW he interpeted it as - I didn't FEEL like saying it, not that I didn't FEEL like fucking you. He made a little face, then gave me the 'we kiss goodbye every morning but I don't really feel like kissing you right now' goodbye kiss, and I rushed downstairs to grab the last bit of my shit.

So....now, tonight I think I'm going to have to confess. Tell him that despite my 'apparent' higher interest in sex, I'm just trying to get him off on a regular basis, so he won't turn into the Sex-Deprived Asshole of the South...tell him that, I STILL want sex at the same frequency I've ALWAYS wanted it - once a month (or so....I can go longer) but I'm consiously being receptive to HIS needs (most of the time) when HE wants it (every other damn day). And with that simple fact in mind, it's going to be hard for me to lay there and lie without channelling a very bad actress in a very bad porno.

"Oh yeah Hubby, stick that big fat cock into my tight hot wet little pussy...ooohhh.....ahhhh......yeah Baby, I want your hard dick pounding in me....yeah...." all while mentally filing my nails.

*gag*

*sigh* Though I suppose, considering I'm actually FUCKING him when I don't want to now (how far I've come), give me another six months and my fucking nickname will be Debbie. And - don't get me wrong - there's NOTHING wrong with his size/style/performance/endurance - any of that. He's a great lover. It's just hard to be enthusiatic about it when I really don't want to be loved on.

Speaking of faking orgasms, I've realized that I can actually cum on demand - and I mean the full waterworks....I can CONTROL the shiver, the squeezing, the juice making....*LOL* I would actually be a great porn star.

*sigh* And we are supposed to be going to a swing party this weekend, and I'm REALLLY not sure if I want to go. But....I said I would go. *sigh* And - hey - who knows what might happen/might not happen. Maybe he'll finally fuck another gal. But hey - at least it gives me a reason to go shopping!

closing the cage....

Well....it didn't go nearly as well as it could have, and yet, it turned out so much better than I expected. I love my Hubby, if I haven't explictly stated that before. He is SO much of my heart it's kinda scary - and ahh....well....let's do the recap shall we?

I go to pick him up from work, and for the FIRST time since he's had this job, he tells me he's had a horrible day. I know (without him saying so, though he later did admit it) that a good part of his horrible day was from fears/worries about my 'bombshell' so to speak.

So....we talked. Lord, did we talk. His first response?? 'I married you so I wouldn't HAVE to share you - I'm cool with sharing you with women, but I'm not comfy with you fucking other niggas.' *sigh* At least he's honest, ya know?? And - I was cool with that. Really - I AM. It's - *shrugs* oddly enough, it felt like more of an opening, once all was said and done more so than anything else. I've slammed into his boundaries - and with that ugly/horrible/dreadful confession out of the way - I feel - freer? Hmm...I guess confession is good for the soul. Anyhow - we talked - and talked - and talked for about 3 hours - the kind of talking that's - still not quite comfy for me...hm.

Sidebar:

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that the more I love someone, the more emotionally vulnerable I am - which makes sense. The - odd - thing about me, is that I tend to WITHDRAW emotionally from those I love - because I'm utterly TERRIFIED of them using that free pass to my heart to hurt me. So I can be a very blunt, randy, mouthy, utterly open and honest person with people I DON'T know - whereas I have a hell of a hard time even APPROACHING that brand of openess with people I love.

End Sidebar

So - where did we end up?? More or less in the same place we started, but some of the - delicacy is gone. We are going to try some new & fun things....and he DID say that maybe a few years down the line (once his possessiveness has eased a little) at least we both know where I stand.

releasing the inner beast

First things, I did something VERY fun and VERY naughty Friday when I went to pick Hubby up. I was TRYING to get off before he called, and he called before I could - so I brought my vibrator with me, and gave myself a LOVELY orgasm on the way to get him. RAWR!! I thought for sure I would get into an accident....but I made it safely. heheh....

---

In other, MUCH more important news.......

I got THROUGHLY drunk on *thinks* Saturday night, I believe it was, and fessed up to the Hubby.

I told him - I would like to 'sample' other men. I've been reading 'The Ethical Slut' again, and well - every TIME I read that damn book I realize that it SCREAMS me. Hello - this is me. So - I basically told him by starting out with 'Darling, I think I'm a slut.', and went on from there. High points - I told him that I think that - I've never learned how to leave the door of my sexuality halfway open - I can't 'be' straight, and I don't THINK that my full sexual persona knows HOW to express itself with one person....and that being able to touch/suck/rub on other people, would free me to be able to TOTALLY turn him out. The conversation actually went SUPRISINGLY well - he heard me, and listened to me, and the top of his head didn't fly off at any point in time. So - it went well.

The next day (Sunday) we had a quickie in the kitchen right before my family got here (heheheh) and then later he mentioned that he was sure that we could work things out in a way that would make us both happy....he's mentioned it several times - just little comments that let me know he's thinking about it. He said that his biggest fear/worry is hearing me make a noise with someone else that I've never made with him, and with me exploring/doing new things with someone else that I haven't done with him. Of course, and easy thing to solidfy that would be to say that anything I do new, I do first with him...that would be no problem. The sounds/expressions/reactions thing - eh, I don't know. I'm kinda trying to warm him up for a party that some of the local swingers are throwing next Saturday.....just to soften him up for the experience (if we go....which I hope we do).

So - I come home from work today, and find this waiting for me in Notepad:

Why does my wife want to fuck everybody? I've never had an issue with women but if you wanted to fuck other guys why did you marry one? If having any woman you want and just one man isn't enough..........I just don't know. Am I STILL missing somthing? If you have always felt this way, it is very unfair of you to bring it all out now that we are married. I guess better now than never.

My response (which I'm putting together in here on the fly) is going to be:

It's not that I want to fuck EVERYBODY - ick. I'm sure you didn't mean that in an indiscriminate way, but - quite simply, I'm pretty picky. And honestly, unless we are at a swing party, and are doing full swapping, I doubt that I'll find many (if ANY) men that I would fuck rather than you.

With that said, I married you because I love you. As simple (and complicated) as that. Are you still missing something? Kinda yes, and kinda no. Remember - I'm exploring myself within the limits of a long term relationship for the first time - and in my previous relationships, I did cheat on occasion - but I don't want to break the commitment that we've made to each other by cheating, so instead I'm trying to open up, and let you know what's really going on in my mind sexually. Remember how I tried for the first few years that we were together to be 'straight'? And I realized that closing off half of my sexuality dampened my WHOLE sexual being? In a somewhat similiar way (and I'm cringing as I say this - but it's truth) I think that - I might not be sexually monogamous.

So have I ALWAYS felt this way? Yes, and no. I've never HAD to feel this way, if that makes any sense. None of my previous relationships broke up because of anything major - it was more just me deciding that I didn't want to be with that person anymore - and only once was it because I WAS cheating on that person, and decided that I didn't like the feeling - the guilt - of worrying about whether I would get caught. And - hah - I've ALWAYS been free (prior to being married) to having the - option of straying - or at least getting damn close to it. Now that I AM married - that's just not an option - I'd much rather try to work out something between the two of us that allows me to - be my full sexual self. And yes, I do think that involves me having at least the - option - of sleeping with other men. Do I have anyone in mind? Nope - haven't even (and you KNOW how many men try to talk to me) found anyone that MIGHT peak my interest like that.

---

So.... what do ya'll think? Am I handling this right?? I think so - I think that......we CAN work this out. We just have to work through is fears. For ya'll that swing/are poly (CW and CuriousHubby mainly) was this something that ya'll came to AFTER you were married, or something that was already known ahead of time.

wow

Someone - and I'm going to have to go through my notes again to figure out who - suggested that we try tantra to see if it helped us any. On that bit of advice, I went online, looked at some stuff, and finally, when I was in a bookstore a couple of weeks ago, I picked up a tantra book, and started reading it.

One of the things that they pointed out was that sex, so often, is focused on the other person - that our expectations are based on how the other MAKES us feel, rather than how WE feel - if that makes sense.

Anyhow - last night, I'm heading off to bed - a tired gal, as it was around 1am. Hubby asked if I wanted some company - and while I was kinda - eh, I said sure. As we got into it, I decided that instead of thinking about what was going on - I would immerse myself in how I felt, rather than how what I was doing was making him feel. I also tried to STOP thinking - just to totally be my feelings, and to react/vocalize only that. I also had to let go of my - expectations. If I wanted him to go faster at a certain point, and he slowed down, I didn't get upset about him NOT doing what I expected - instead I just moved my awareness of what was going on BACK to what was going on.

Wow. It was - stellar. It was - kinda like it used to be. Such an amazing array of FEELINGS - not emotional mind you - maybe a better way to say it would be - such a wide array of SENSATIONS - that are always there - but normally - I just don't feel them. It was - wow. Powerful and wonderful and high-enducing. For the first time in a long time, I laid there afterwards with a grin on my face - it was FUN. Mind you, I still wasn't really up for a second round - but *evil grin* neither was he.

*shakes head*

It's odd how I get to breakthroughs - I'm just so damn slow. It's like watering a baked clay - you've got to do it for a while, and give the clay time to absorb the water before any real results are seen. So - I'm going to keep trying this - internalizing - and see if the return to me helps us out. Hm. :)

It's been a while....

since I've written - but I just haven't really been in the mood. Been noting occasionally, but that's about it.

What's new today? Hm. London - *sigh* I feel just as bad for London as I do for Baghdad, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Holiday - went camping with the hubby - learned that if you are going to suck dick in a tent, do that BEFORE you try to jerk him off with Off! covered hands. Bllleech.

Work - played hooky yesterday - due to severe over indulgence in tequila the night before, combined with an hour or two of crying - we started talking about what sort of car he should get, somehow moved onto the subject of kids, I broke down in tears and finally told him about my suspected miscarriage while we were ON OUR HONEYMOON. Geh. I'm such a girl. Anyhow, everything is better.

Sex - had some hot steaming sex AFTER I stopped crying. It started out good, and then right in the middle I was like - ugh. I'm done (and no, I hadn't had an orgasm) but he wasn't done yet, so - yeah, whatever.

Therapy - saw her yesterday, didn't have much to say - doubt that I'll ever go back - it's just like bleh. She wasn't helping/interested in what I see as my ROOT issue, she was just all about me giving it up to hubby. And yeah, that's gotten easier - but it's more like *shrugs* sure - here - whatever, rather than the RAWR!!! Jump me jump YOU that I would like.

Smoking - I'm actually enrolling myself in a 'stop smoking' study combining Zyban and the patch. Really, I just want the free drugs, but as I figure that there MIGHT be a possiblity that the perfect, wonderful, four year long birth control I've been using might have to be REMOVED - well, hell.....I still think it's too early, but - as the light of my life said - we've pulled shit together faster than anyone might think possible before....so....who knows? Besides, I wanna see what I'm like on anti-depressants. But then, I might be getting a placebo....so....damn, I want the real stuff. I wonder if there is anyway to test and see if I'm getting Zyban or a placebo. Though, considering placebos have been proved to work almost as WELL as the real stuff, does it really matter.

Speaking of which - drug studies are such bullshit. Did you know that when they do studies, all they have to prove it that it works better than NOTHING, not that it works any better than something that is already on the market - or even something that might be available over the counter. *snort* such bs.

Saw a commercial last night for some drug that they are marketing to people undergoing chemo for cancer - it boosts your white cell counts. Me & Hubby immeadiately looked at each other and said - that HAD to be developed orginally for AIDS....

Okay. I think I'm done.

I had lovely hot steaming....

SEX last night. RAWR!!! Wonderful stuff, just wonderful.

And we talked...it was rather interesting, talking to him in such an - open way. I mean, it was - WONDERFUL really....we talked, we cleared some things up - we really connected (in ever so many ways). It was ALMOST better than the orgasms!!

I also met a lady (woman, girl? lady just sounds - old fashioned - ah!) chica last night that I had been talking to online. I'm so not looking for just a hit & Run, and I think that is where her head was at - esp. considering she was whining that I taught her 'patience' by not meeting her AT HER HOUSE the first night we talked, and instead waited until Wednesday (gasp!! a whole FOUR days) to meet her face to face. *rolls eyes* She was a cool sis, but had almost no class, no openness - and seemed to have SERIOUS issues with homosexuality. I'm sorry, I KNOW that I'm not healthy, but there seems to be something really twisted in WANTING a woman - and then turning up your nose at a table with a lesbian couple sitting there. Uh-Uh....not trying to be your therapist darling, I got one of them already! *laugh* She also seemed traumatized by the fact that I have a therapist - ah well......

I'm talking to a few other women, and I've joined a discussion/support group for black bi women, and I'm VERY happy to be a part of that group. The focus is on support and sisterhood, NOT sex (though they do have a spicier side group) and - *sigh* I'm really enjoying it. I MISS having girlfriends dammit - or at least sistagals I can hang out with....

looking forward to this weekend......I just wanna - RELAX.

I'm wondering.....

exactly what my husband is up to. All week, he's been very affectionate (which I love) very - sexy (which is also enjoyable) but somehow, he's managing to do it in a casual - comfortable (for me) and open way. It's like - *thinks* last night, we are laying on the couch, having just finished a DELICIOUS meal. I'm not wearing a bra, and he tells me to lean back, and proceeds to lift my bra and suck & play with my nipples for about five minutes. Honestly, I wasn't really FEEEEling having sex, but I pushed myself into the moment, and laid back, and worked on the awareness of enjoying the sensation. Then - he stopped, pulled my shirt back down, kissed me, and we cuddled for a little while. It was Sooooooo cool, yet - almost odd. Is he trying to tell me through actions that everytime he approaches me sexaully, intercourse isn't always the goal? That would be kinda sweet, actually.

So - just wanted to make a note/remember that - see how things progress.

Questions....

In other news, as Hubby was driving me to work this morning, I remembered what I'm missing...ya'll know how when you are thinking about that one person (or those particular people) us ladies get that gooey sensation in the pit of our stomach? And you sit, and squirm, and wiggle, none of which helps the sensation? Just the thought of him touching you, whispering in your ear, kissing you makes you downright moist and wondering when you'll get the chance to just smell him again? Much less touch/lick/suck on him?

Yeah - THAT feeling. That gooey, flushed, nipple hardening, wet between the legs feeling - THAT's what I miss. As we were driving, I sat and tried to remember who was the last person who gave me that feeling.....and I thought, and I thought, and finally figured that the last one that I could REMEMBER was CK - huh - I think I might have left him off of my list!

We have been friends for - damn near ten years now, as I met him online as a freshman in college - we talked, flirted, loved, and had wonderful cybersex with each other...and we finally tried a 'relationship' which crashed and burned miserably, nearly taking our friendship with it. And we only had sex ONCE. Hell, we only met in person TWICE. But - he - even sometimes NOW - he's the one who - sparks my eye. Not often, I must admit - but just everyonce in a while I blush a little thinking of him.

My hubby? Heavens no - I don't think I've EVER had that feeling with him - even at the beginning of the relationship. The sex was always good, but I never CRAVED it. I never longed for his touch, for us to have sex - it was certainly ALWAYS fun - but just not...............I didn't anticipate it.

So yeah, I miss the feeling of anticipation - of having something lucious and hard to look forward to.....and having the connection alREADY in my head that spurs those feelings, WITHOUT me having to force it.

*sigh* So troubled am I.

Further stuff....

I figure that if I heighten my independant level of sexual interest, that I will be able to extend that - attraction/passion - towards him. So, to that aim, I try to get MYSELF off at least 3 times a week - usually when I go to bed before him, I'll lay there, work up a nice little fantasy (or a continuation thereof) and have a sweet little orgasm. I love my vibrator, by the way - no clue what it's called, but it's hot pink, and has a little 'bulb' on the end of a shaft - and the bulb is angled slighty - so I can position it between my legs, and it hits me in JUUUSSSST the right spot. Lovely.

Anyhow, as I've gone through and built various fantasies, I've realized that it's the perverted stuff that turns me on. It's distinct power shifts that turn me on. It's slutty wives, sluttier daughters, and the many many men who fuck them that turns me on. Thinking about a woman and her husband having sex in the back of a car - boring. Thinking about a woman having sex in the back of the car with her husband's best friend while her husband drives and jerks off listening to them - hoooooooot. Thinking about a highschool girl fucking the whole football team - boring. Thinking about her coming home full of cum and fucking her stepfather next to the pool - hooooooooooot.

So - how do I work that into my relationship - with the husband who tells me that while he wouldn't MIND a threesome - I'm the only woman he really desires/wants/needs. How can I sit him down and tell him - I'm not really into fucking you - but I WANT to fuck other men - and then come home and fuck you? Gah. I don't know if he's willing to have an open relationship to save our sex life. I seriously doubt it.....and I will NOT do it behind his back.

And then, I feel enourmously guilty about infidelity being my 'button'. Of course, there's nothing better than something new, but - that's just SO unacceptable to - society as a whole. I mean, marriage is SUPPOSED to be mostly about faithfulness, right? And even as I say this, I know that I've got some serious poly tendencies, but - my husband doesn't. A lot of times though, it's not even the actuality of someone else, it's the POTENTIAL of having someone else that makes it really exciting. Talk about some deliciously forbidden fruit - yuuuummm.

I'm a promiscious little slut, that's the problem. And dammit, if I can't fuck whoever my fancy takes, I'll be celibate - and oddly enough, I can do either, casually and comfortably. It's this whole one man my whole world thing that bugs me.

thoughts as I read

Taken In Hand:

I like the idea of an oldschool, romantic, swooning, he is mine and I am his kinda relationship. Where I know that I DON'T need him, but I want to feel everyday like I do. I'm much more comfortable with this concept of submission - emotional and mental more than persistently physical.

But one thing that is repeated is trust. Trust in the man to make the right choices. Trust in putting the last word in his hands. And the delicate ability to give him the right to make that decision, and still gently correct him where he proves to be wrong. I've noticed myself doing that more lately - or getting more irritated because he just WOULDN'T make a decision - and basically made me feel like all the responsibilty rests on me.

shit...must run.

---

I had to go and pick him up last night - kinda lost track of time. Anyhow, continuing on....

As I read more and more - I'm vacilating. I know that our relationship isn't working right now - I DO harbor some bitterness, and some reserve, and some uncertainty that what we have now is what I need - much less what HE needs. And - I'm willing, nay eager, to find SOMETHING that will let us both be happy. I think that I know what would make me happy - but I'm not sure if that is what he wants - what's his image of a perfect relationship? I think that what we have NOW might be his image (minus the craptastic sex life) and - I know that it's not mine. And because I know that what we have now doesn't makes him happy, and it doesn't make me happy either - what steps can be taken to make us both happy?

And yeah - there's always the awareness that sex every other day is really alllllll he needs at this point - but I need more. And maybe - hopefully, I'll be able to figure out what I NEED to be happy......besides the inital comments that started this whole exploration.

---

I've always had a really - clear view - on the kind of relationships I admired - hell, even the first screenick I made for the both of us reflected what I really wanted - I want to be a Sultana. The Sultan's wife, his number one love, his - amor, his angel, his queen. *laugh* I always believed that I would be a wonderful princess/number one harem girl.

How would that change our relationship now - as far as how I would feel/act? I'm going to try very hard to ignore the financial aspects implicit in all of those scenarios.

Okay - my main concerns in life would be our house, and our relationship. I would be able to handle, manage, and organize both - and still be able to enjoy the things that interest me. I would feel like we are equal partners - both focused on taking care of us, despite the fact that we do that in different ways. Maybe the biggest thing is that I would feel like - no, I would KNOW that he cared about our lives/home together as much as I do.

And ya know - writing that out, I think that I might be being utterly unfair to him. He DOES care about us - hell, sometimes I think he cares about us more than I do. But - dammit. It all comes back to the little things - the actual actions, and not the emotions. I straighten up. I clean the house. I wash the clothes. I make sure the cats have food and their litter is clean. I keep track of the bills. I handle most of our interactions with the outside world. I support us in almost all ways - including financial. And a lot of the time, I feel like he's just sitting back, garnering all of the benefits of my hard work (not that I don't benefit as well - I DO!!) without actually equally shouldering the load.

I constantly FEEL dominant - that if I just sat down and said - No more - nothing, literally nothing that makes a house a home would get done. If I didn't set up the internet bill pay, none of our bills would get paid. If I didn't suggest we go grocery shopping, we would live off of delivery and fast food (which we really can't afford). If I didn't think about the long-term effects of EVERYTHING, we'd be screwed. A small, but detailed example. We haven't paid the rent yet. Why? Because we can't find the checkbook. I don't USE checks - guess who was the last one to have had the checkbook? Ummhmm, it wasn't me. I'm almost SURE the checkbook is in his bag, despite him saying that it's not. Did he look for it? I doubt it, and even if he did, that doesn't mean that it's not there. I could be wrong, but I'm usually not. *sigh* I feel like his bloody MOTHER sometimes, and while I do love him, and I love being WITH him....it's irksome as HELL. A lot of the time.

Gah.

further introspection

Hmm....I love having this separate place. I was talking to one of my online friends earlier today, hooking him up to another new screenname of mine - and jokingly, he asked me if I had a multiple personality. At last count, I have *thinks* only 3 screen names that I chat under (with three? four? different services), but - goodlord - I could have up to five, and I have - 6 - no - 8? different emails adresses.

It's not that I have a multiple personality - in fact, my personality is very integrated (I think sometimes maybe TOO integrated) - it's just that each aspect of my personality has it's own outlet - and I make connections based on that intial outlet, and later - much later, if you're deemed worthy, I'll open up the rest of me to you. But yeah, I'm very much so closed in - I've never met anyone - not Jc, not my husband, not any of my best friends, who I would truly trust and offer all that I am to.

There's ALWAYS been something about me that no-one knows - but here - you folx don't KNOW me. You see a little side of me that I share in this place - and that's what you know of me. You judge me, read me (or not) and note (or not) solely based on what's here. There's no history, and most likely, little chance of a future. And with that kind of freedom - I have room to share all of the things that no-one but me knows.....without fear of someone who KNOWS me finding this - because they would never think - oh, I know this woman. No one knows me - I don't trust anyone enough to know all of me and not hurt all of me - at least, this way, they can only hurt what they know.

And yes, yes, I know that I'm selling most of my friends short. I'm pretty sure that I'm selling my husband short - but - I'm ashamed. No - ashamed isn't the right word. I'm - tenderskinned. Very, very, very tenderskinned - and the more I love someone, the softer the skin becomes. And - when it comes right down to it, I don't LIKE it. I get hurt/sad/upset over the most minor and stupid of things - things that even as I'm sniffling over, I KNOW he didn't mean that way, or mean to have any malice in saying it - but it hurts like hell. And so I retreat. But - I can't find my balance there either - I retreat so far back that I'm icy-cold, and can barely respond to anything without either a grunt or a shrug. I - I haven't learned the art of neither wearing my heart on my sleeve, or locking it in Fort Knox. Unless - and this is the sad part - unless I just plain don't CARE about the person. No history - no future - and the true multifaceted, utterly amazing, glowing, intuative, charming, social woman that I REALLY am comes out. But - it's always a little sad because , I like that girl. I wish she would hang around all the time - and realize that those who really do love her, will love most facets of her......and not shoot her down as so many people have done in the past.

Who am I? Really?

I'm a lover, a woman, a poet, a artist, a laugher, a nuturer, and a giver. I can be loud, impatient, and cuttingly sarcastic. I'm a listener, a talker, a liar, and a sneak. I'm joyful, sad, bashful and incredibly curious. And that only touches on the tip of the iceberg. I've been Muslim, Protestant, Baptist, pagan and agnostic. I've had abortions, orgies, and long term relationships. I'm a libertarian and a peace nik. I'm empathic and sensitive. I don't like taking pills, but deeply enjoy recreational drugs. I am me. All of me. Even the parts I don't know are me, the parts I don't understand, that parts that I don't even know are there.

But - I'm not quite - bold enough to be me all the time. Sometimes, I have to retreat and hide me and only offer what others can handle. Sometimes, I can't handle myself - and I'm the one IN this head. And - sometimes I just can't EXPLAIN to other people what's going on - hell, sometimes it takes ME a few minutes to backtrack through my mind and figure out an association that I've made - and - dammit, I feel like regressing to the teenagers lament 'No one UNDERSTANDS me!' - and it's true. No one does. And it's my fault, because I've never given anyone a real CHANCE to understand me - to get all up under my skin and peep out of my eyes. And it's not because I'm shamed of who I am - I'm not. I just don't want to be - viewed differently because of who I am. I want someone else to be able to understand me in the same way I understand myself - freely, easily, not judging, not deciding - accepting that I'm still a work in process/progress.........and that the roots of what I am is good, and it's wonderful, and it's - amazing, and it's really something that everyone should have a chance at knowing/feeling/understanding - but so very few people ever will. *sigh* And so instead...

---

That went ENTIRELY another direction from where I planned - I have been reading some D/s websites that I've dug up while at home, and I've been thinking about what I said earlier about never being able to submit to my hubby, and trying to figure out why that is - there was never even any doubt in my head - it just plain wouldn't happen. But why? Was there something about him? Something about me? and then - in reading a subs story of her and her Master, I realized - I don't respect him. I love him dearly, and I value his intelligence, his humor, his passion for life, but I don't really view him as my equal - I think of him more as a 17y/o cousin I've fallen in love with, but now have to take care of after his momma kicked him out the house.

I haven't explored much more from there - is it the job situation? Is it the household situation? It is his pisspoor attitude about bills and credit? It is his (to me) obsession with comic books, video games, and cartoons? I mean - what really makes a man mature? What makes him - respectable, and admirable in my eyes? I don't look up to my husband - he's just another responsibility I have. It doesn't decrease my love for him, it doesn't make me think (consiously at least) less of him - I think I've simply accepted him as he is - and I DO love him, as he is. But he'll never be my Master (if I ever even come to the point where I think I might want one - from what I've been reading, it would take a very special person for me to be a 'real' sub.)

*blink* *gasp*

Holy. Shit. I'm online at home again (must remember to wipe history) and I was catching up on my notes, and I just reread my previous entry.

HolyShit. When I talk about when I'm the most randy - the most horny - here, I'll copy it for you:

---

I'm hornier when I'm carefree. When I don't have to worry/think/stay aware of ANYTHING. When I know that I'm being taken care OF, I turn into a little gooey puddle of sex and raunch. When I'm totally relaxed - no where to be, nothing to do, no bills to worry about, no house to clean - basically if I'm in vacation mode, I can be - and am - very - frisky. And - it's hard for me to get there now, because I am - adult, I suppose. I do have to think about what needs to happen tomorrow, and whether the cat box is clean, and whether I've sent off enough money to cover the cable bill. I am that responsible, step-vacuuming, dishwasher loading person. And truly, I DON'T mind. But at the same time, it puts me into a place where I am not footloose and fancyfree.

Earlier in my diary, I had mentioned that if I could stay home, and be taken care of (financially) he'd get it every night - and I still think that's true. Hell, I actually think it's even MORE true. If I didn't have to worry about making it to work on time, if I wasn't focused on whether the sheets needed to be cleaned, if I - if I could just LIVE without all the nasty fiduciary concerns that are required to live - I would be a very different woman

---

Rereading that (after catching up on all my faves and adding a few new ladies) I realized. I'm a sub. As in submissive. As in - hah, I want to be the spankee, not the spanker. And, I also realized something else, rather sad. My husband will NEVER be able to dominate me. Just - period. We've never had that kind of relationship - if anything, I've been more dominant, and - holyshit - I mean. And - he's simply not the KIND of Dom I would need. We've played around with it - and the only way I can get off without being ENOURMOUSLY frustrated is to basically 'top' him. In fact, sex when I'm in control and deliciously tormenting him is usally the best - talk about orgasmic waterfalls. Or maybe it's the best because I'm a bit of a control freak? And - wow. I'm realizing that the simple fact that he CAN'T take care of me almost insures he'll never be my Dom. And since that's what our relationship was built on - it makes even more sense. Wow.

I've always been into BDsM - but always very much on the fringe. I KNEW it turned me on - rawr! rawr! (Beauty, anyone?? *flutters*moist*) but I could never really settle in my mind whether I was a top or a bottom - it seemed to flucuate somehow - which makes sense, as I am somewhat dominant (read - an anal Capricorn control freak) - but can be (and have been) VERY submissive for the right fellow. In fact - one of the best fuckbuddies/friends/lovers I've ever had - Jc (I need to write an entry or two about him) got me to do shit that I've never done with/for Corey. *laugh* He was the man who gave me my dicksucker award - because I would, and did, and ENJOYED sucking his dick - I think the longest I ever went was an hour and a half - and he came 3 times. Heh. I LOVED it - it gave me the biggest power rush EVER. Something, that I've noticed I've never gotten from *thinks* anyone.

*blinks* I'm sitting here, with my stomach all in knots, and my ass feeling hot, in total SHOCK. I mean. Shit. Me?? a SUBMISSIVE???

Hah - explains all of those 'secluded princess', 'naughty niece' and 'horny harem girl' fantasies I have floating around. Holy SHiT. So much - so much of my kink is settling into place. My frustration about having to EXPLAIN to him what I want. My almost insistence on pleasuring, rather than being pleased. The fact that people getting angry at me I can handle without a twitch, but someone being DISAPPOINTED in me makes me wanna cry. The occasional desire for pain with my pleasure (I'll take that on the side, please). The delighted thrill I get from inflicting pain. The constant guilty feeling interest in those damn 'Gor' books I refuse to buy because I know I'm either going to love them or hate them - and if I love them, I'm going to be pissed that I didn't buy the whole set, and if I hate them, I'm going to be pissed that I DID buy the whole set. Even if the kink turns me on, if the writing is shit, I won't be able to get past it.

Hell - my occasional obsession (me, antiwar peace nik, hippe earth mama not yet a mother me) with going to BOOT CAMP. My through arousal at being treated like a little slut (see Samson - ANOTHER muthafucker who I've done things for/to that I haven't done with my husband!!! - though he was a liar, so anyway...)

*fans self*

Talk about a bloody golden halo opening up over my head. JAYSUS.

*blinks* My head hurts, seriously. I didn't feel this shocked when I figured out I was bi. *blinks* Holy shit. What the hell am I going to do about THIS?

*blinks* Of course, I have just smoked half a bowl of the good cheeba, and I could be delusionally reading more into this. But shit. It REALLY makes waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much sense. All the slightly off, rather kinky shit that turns me on (though I'd die of pure embrassment to admit it) fits into this. It all fits the same bloody pattern.

I was considering going to a book convention in Atlanta in Sept, and that's where Jc lives. We still talk occasionally, and I always feel a little sad that I'm not the voraciously sexual woman he remembers, and very relived that he honors my wedding vows as I do. Considering being in Atl in 3 months was the final impetus for me to go and sign up at a gym - because I KNOW that I would see him, and I wanted to be utterly iressistible. Now, I'm actually afraid to go.

*deep sigh*

I'm SERIOUSLY going to have to sleep on this one.