*taptaptap*

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I'm a tart

Okay - more accurately, I'm tart. Salty, sour, all of those food related words that indicate all is not well in my mind space.

*shrugs* I'm trying, ya'll - really I am. Sex once a week - whether I really WANT it or not. *shrugs* It's supposedly worth it for the sake of peace, but *rolls eyes* Ya know, I think he thinks I'm really interested. And it came to a head last night.

We're in bed, kissing, fondling, generally having fun. He slides between my legs, and says 'Tell me how much you want me to fuck you'. I looked at him with a lovely blank look (masked by darkness), and I tried to open my mouth to say that utter lie, but it wouldn't come out.

"Come on baby, tell me how much you want my hard cock in your pussy"....oh gagNACIOUS now. I was willing to fuck him, but I most certainly didn't WANT it - and I just COULDN'T get the lie out. I pratically stammered....then I snapped - "Stop asking me stuff and just fuck me!" 15 minutes later, I'm sweetly snoozing away, debating sneaking downstairs to write an entry, no orgasm (not that I wanted one, though I did fake one to make him hurry up and come), mentally brushing off my hands in having performed my wifely duty.

This morning, as I'm flying around the house (late for leaving for work as usual) he comes into my boudoir (easiest way to explain it) and says - "Did we have sex last night, or was I dreaming?" I give him a real stupid look (damn, I didn't think he was THAT drunk) and say - yeah, we did have sex. He comes back with - "So when I was asking for what I wanted to hear, you did tell me to stop asking questions and just fuck you?" I nodded, a frown on my face. Damn, so now he doesn't just want PUSSY, he wants pussy that meows on command. "Why did you say that??"

And then, I did something very very wrong. It was 8:25, it takes me 30 minutes to get to work, I had to be here by nine, I was barely awake, and really, I just didn't FEEL like getting into it just then. I shrugged, and gave him a halfassed answer. "I just didn't feel like it." He frowned - and I KNOW he interpeted it as - I didn't FEEL like saying it, not that I didn't FEEL like fucking you. He made a little face, then gave me the 'we kiss goodbye every morning but I don't really feel like kissing you right now' goodbye kiss, and I rushed downstairs to grab the last bit of my shit.

So....now, tonight I think I'm going to have to confess. Tell him that despite my 'apparent' higher interest in sex, I'm just trying to get him off on a regular basis, so he won't turn into the Sex-Deprived Asshole of the South...tell him that, I STILL want sex at the same frequency I've ALWAYS wanted it - once a month (or so....I can go longer) but I'm consiously being receptive to HIS needs (most of the time) when HE wants it (every other damn day). And with that simple fact in mind, it's going to be hard for me to lay there and lie without channelling a very bad actress in a very bad porno.

"Oh yeah Hubby, stick that big fat cock into my tight hot wet little pussy...ooohhh.....ahhhh......yeah Baby, I want your hard dick pounding in me....yeah...." all while mentally filing my nails.

*gag*

*sigh* Though I suppose, considering I'm actually FUCKING him when I don't want to now (how far I've come), give me another six months and my fucking nickname will be Debbie. And - don't get me wrong - there's NOTHING wrong with his size/style/performance/endurance - any of that. He's a great lover. It's just hard to be enthusiatic about it when I really don't want to be loved on.

Speaking of faking orgasms, I've realized that I can actually cum on demand - and I mean the full waterworks....I can CONTROL the shiver, the squeezing, the juice making....*LOL* I would actually be a great porn star.

*sigh* And we are supposed to be going to a swing party this weekend, and I'm REALLLY not sure if I want to go. But....I said I would go. *sigh* And - hey - who knows what might happen/might not happen. Maybe he'll finally fuck another gal. But hey - at least it gives me a reason to go shopping!

closing the cage....

Well....it didn't go nearly as well as it could have, and yet, it turned out so much better than I expected. I love my Hubby, if I haven't explictly stated that before. He is SO much of my heart it's kinda scary - and ahh....well....let's do the recap shall we?

I go to pick him up from work, and for the FIRST time since he's had this job, he tells me he's had a horrible day. I know (without him saying so, though he later did admit it) that a good part of his horrible day was from fears/worries about my 'bombshell' so to speak.

So....we talked. Lord, did we talk. His first response?? 'I married you so I wouldn't HAVE to share you - I'm cool with sharing you with women, but I'm not comfy with you fucking other niggas.' *sigh* At least he's honest, ya know?? And - I was cool with that. Really - I AM. It's - *shrugs* oddly enough, it felt like more of an opening, once all was said and done more so than anything else. I've slammed into his boundaries - and with that ugly/horrible/dreadful confession out of the way - I feel - freer? Hmm...I guess confession is good for the soul. Anyhow - we talked - and talked - and talked for about 3 hours - the kind of talking that's - still not quite comfy for me...hm.

Sidebar:

One of the things I've noticed about myself is that the more I love someone, the more emotionally vulnerable I am - which makes sense. The - odd - thing about me, is that I tend to WITHDRAW emotionally from those I love - because I'm utterly TERRIFIED of them using that free pass to my heart to hurt me. So I can be a very blunt, randy, mouthy, utterly open and honest person with people I DON'T know - whereas I have a hell of a hard time even APPROACHING that brand of openess with people I love.

End Sidebar

So - where did we end up?? More or less in the same place we started, but some of the - delicacy is gone. We are going to try some new & fun things....and he DID say that maybe a few years down the line (once his possessiveness has eased a little) at least we both know where I stand.

releasing the inner beast

First things, I did something VERY fun and VERY naughty Friday when I went to pick Hubby up. I was TRYING to get off before he called, and he called before I could - so I brought my vibrator with me, and gave myself a LOVELY orgasm on the way to get him. RAWR!! I thought for sure I would get into an accident....but I made it safely. heheh....

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In other, MUCH more important news.......

I got THROUGHLY drunk on *thinks* Saturday night, I believe it was, and fessed up to the Hubby.

I told him - I would like to 'sample' other men. I've been reading 'The Ethical Slut' again, and well - every TIME I read that damn book I realize that it SCREAMS me. Hello - this is me. So - I basically told him by starting out with 'Darling, I think I'm a slut.', and went on from there. High points - I told him that I think that - I've never learned how to leave the door of my sexuality halfway open - I can't 'be' straight, and I don't THINK that my full sexual persona knows HOW to express itself with one person....and that being able to touch/suck/rub on other people, would free me to be able to TOTALLY turn him out. The conversation actually went SUPRISINGLY well - he heard me, and listened to me, and the top of his head didn't fly off at any point in time. So - it went well.

The next day (Sunday) we had a quickie in the kitchen right before my family got here (heheheh) and then later he mentioned that he was sure that we could work things out in a way that would make us both happy....he's mentioned it several times - just little comments that let me know he's thinking about it. He said that his biggest fear/worry is hearing me make a noise with someone else that I've never made with him, and with me exploring/doing new things with someone else that I haven't done with him. Of course, and easy thing to solidfy that would be to say that anything I do new, I do first with him...that would be no problem. The sounds/expressions/reactions thing - eh, I don't know. I'm kinda trying to warm him up for a party that some of the local swingers are throwing next Saturday.....just to soften him up for the experience (if we go....which I hope we do).

So - I come home from work today, and find this waiting for me in Notepad:

Why does my wife want to fuck everybody? I've never had an issue with women but if you wanted to fuck other guys why did you marry one? If having any woman you want and just one man isn't enough..........I just don't know. Am I STILL missing somthing? If you have always felt this way, it is very unfair of you to bring it all out now that we are married. I guess better now than never.

My response (which I'm putting together in here on the fly) is going to be:

It's not that I want to fuck EVERYBODY - ick. I'm sure you didn't mean that in an indiscriminate way, but - quite simply, I'm pretty picky. And honestly, unless we are at a swing party, and are doing full swapping, I doubt that I'll find many (if ANY) men that I would fuck rather than you.

With that said, I married you because I love you. As simple (and complicated) as that. Are you still missing something? Kinda yes, and kinda no. Remember - I'm exploring myself within the limits of a long term relationship for the first time - and in my previous relationships, I did cheat on occasion - but I don't want to break the commitment that we've made to each other by cheating, so instead I'm trying to open up, and let you know what's really going on in my mind sexually. Remember how I tried for the first few years that we were together to be 'straight'? And I realized that closing off half of my sexuality dampened my WHOLE sexual being? In a somewhat similiar way (and I'm cringing as I say this - but it's truth) I think that - I might not be sexually monogamous.

So have I ALWAYS felt this way? Yes, and no. I've never HAD to feel this way, if that makes any sense. None of my previous relationships broke up because of anything major - it was more just me deciding that I didn't want to be with that person anymore - and only once was it because I WAS cheating on that person, and decided that I didn't like the feeling - the guilt - of worrying about whether I would get caught. And - hah - I've ALWAYS been free (prior to being married) to having the - option of straying - or at least getting damn close to it. Now that I AM married - that's just not an option - I'd much rather try to work out something between the two of us that allows me to - be my full sexual self. And yes, I do think that involves me having at least the - option - of sleeping with other men. Do I have anyone in mind? Nope - haven't even (and you KNOW how many men try to talk to me) found anyone that MIGHT peak my interest like that.

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So.... what do ya'll think? Am I handling this right?? I think so - I think that......we CAN work this out. We just have to work through is fears. For ya'll that swing/are poly (CW and CuriousHubby mainly) was this something that ya'll came to AFTER you were married, or something that was already known ahead of time.

Rockin Weekend...and other related thoughts

Ahh... had a lovely weekend....this whole 'social' life thing doesn't leave me much time to sleep, but it's very fulfilling in a different way. And it's also VERY funny how my 'social' life is so - striated. The first thing I did on Sat was with a group of AfAm women - none of whom know about OD or my sexual life - but they understand my life some. The second group was a group of women I met online - obviously they know about my color, but they don't know about 'this' side of me. The last meeting was with a bunch of swingers, and they know the most about me - I'm closest to my full self with them.

Anyhow, C wasn't able to come with me (work) and I really regret that - I really want him to meet some other AfAm married men who swing, simply so that he can talk to them, and maybe work out some of his worries/concerns about full swap. Though, I think the thing might be - he just isn't really interested in swinging. He's - okay - with the idea of a threesome, but I think that's just more because he knows that I'm bi, and he wants to do that to please me. But of his own free will - he's just not that into it. And - well, I don't know. I would love for him to read 'The Ethical Slut'. I LOVE that book - it literally resonates within me - it's a mirror to some of my inner heartdesires..... *sigh*

We've had sex what - twice this week I think? Yeah - once on Wednesday after I met girly (who I've talked to once or twice online, but I'm definitely trying to phase her out) and then again yesterday - I had gone outside to sit in the rain and read my book on Tantra that I brough on Saturday...and he came out and we chatted for a little while, and then he sugessted we have sex. I didn't really want it, but - eh. It wasn't bad. I gave him a lil head, and we started outside until it stopped raining, then we went to the bedroom to finish off. I actually didn't cum (just wasn't in the mental space for it) but I faked a good one to make him cum. It's odd - I rarely feel bad about faking it, largely because I do it SO infrequently, and usually I do it so that we can wrap things up - thank you once again, Dr. Kegel!

But I'm glad that we did it twice this week, as I'm on my period, and it's interesting - I'm just totally not into it then - but I used to be, as long as the guy didn't mind. Gah. I showed him the Tantra book, and his response was 'That's the thing that shows you how to prolong your orgasms, right??" and I told him that yeah, that's part of it, but there is also a spiritual and mental aspect...and he swiftly volunteered to be my practice partner. *smiles* As if I expected anything less?? It's interesting - I think little things like that gives him hope - and reassures him that I really am interested in salvaging/repairing our sexual relationship, and he's cooler with having sex a little less often as long as I'm working on it.

Hmm... what else?? There was something else I wanted to - AH! Lately, (hello Ladies!!) I've been getting noted by several ladies who have gone through the same thing that I am dealing with - low sexual interest in their husbands, but still have a libido, as proven my their roving eyes. They are both about ten years older than me, and have kids - and sweet heaven knows that I want to have this done, settled and behind me one way or another before we start having kids....uh-uh. Not trying to incite that kind of drama in my life - no sirre bob!

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Also, I'm debating cancelling my second appointment with the therapist....I didn't really feel that she helped me much....I mean - telling me to stop being selfish and just give him some - well, shit, I figured that out from all of the self-help books. What I want/need is for someone to sit down with me, work me, and figure out why I don't feel horny very often - and not just dismiss it by saying 'oh, that's how most women are'. GAh! Just because most women are this way doesn't mean that is a woman's normal level, and if I'm there talking to you about it, maybe that means that I'm not satisfied being there?

Ah!! I figured out what it was really - that's the thing with me. I RARELY get horny. *and I might have written about this before, but I'mma talk about it again*. I mean, there are sometimes when I might want to be touched....there are sometimes when I crave a solo orgasm to relax, but I RARELY (and never sober!) get into that "I need dick and I need it NOW !!!!!!!!!!" feeling - in fact, the only time I get that way is if I'm surrounded by music, alcohol, and horny men I'm not married to (ie. the club). And I know, as a younger sprite in college, I used to get pretty randy.....still nothing like what I get after a good night out with the girls, but - it came up occasionally - I would wake up from hot sex dreams....hmmm...interesting, thinking about that, I don't think I've had a hot sex dream since....shit....at least a year and a half ago, now??

Which is very interesting, as I used to have those rather frequently....but hmm... that's just died off. So anyhow, debating if I'm going to go to this appointment. I mean shit, OD has been a better therapist than she was in the first session. At least ya'll validate my feelings, don't make me feel like I'm a bad woman, and offer concrete suggestions of things to do/try that aren't in every selfhelp book I've ever picked up.

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In other news - I told Jc that I was coming to Atl....I actually called him while I was waiting for Girly to show up on Wednesday, and I casually mentioned it, shortly after he thanked me for the latest batch of pictures I had sent him *evil grin*. He promised me that he was going to block out the entire month of September, and that we had to meet at least once, and that he was going to be on his best behaviour. *evil grin* Just - too, too much fun, really.

Okay - running off now.... :)

Further stuff....

I figure that if I heighten my independant level of sexual interest, that I will be able to extend that - attraction/passion - towards him. So, to that aim, I try to get MYSELF off at least 3 times a week - usually when I go to bed before him, I'll lay there, work up a nice little fantasy (or a continuation thereof) and have a sweet little orgasm. I love my vibrator, by the way - no clue what it's called, but it's hot pink, and has a little 'bulb' on the end of a shaft - and the bulb is angled slighty - so I can position it between my legs, and it hits me in JUUUSSSST the right spot. Lovely.

Anyhow, as I've gone through and built various fantasies, I've realized that it's the perverted stuff that turns me on. It's distinct power shifts that turn me on. It's slutty wives, sluttier daughters, and the many many men who fuck them that turns me on. Thinking about a woman and her husband having sex in the back of a car - boring. Thinking about a woman having sex in the back of the car with her husband's best friend while her husband drives and jerks off listening to them - hoooooooot. Thinking about a highschool girl fucking the whole football team - boring. Thinking about her coming home full of cum and fucking her stepfather next to the pool - hooooooooooot.

So - how do I work that into my relationship - with the husband who tells me that while he wouldn't MIND a threesome - I'm the only woman he really desires/wants/needs. How can I sit him down and tell him - I'm not really into fucking you - but I WANT to fuck other men - and then come home and fuck you? Gah. I don't know if he's willing to have an open relationship to save our sex life. I seriously doubt it.....and I will NOT do it behind his back.

And then, I feel enourmously guilty about infidelity being my 'button'. Of course, there's nothing better than something new, but - that's just SO unacceptable to - society as a whole. I mean, marriage is SUPPOSED to be mostly about faithfulness, right? And even as I say this, I know that I've got some serious poly tendencies, but - my husband doesn't. A lot of times though, it's not even the actuality of someone else, it's the POTENTIAL of having someone else that makes it really exciting. Talk about some deliciously forbidden fruit - yuuuummm.

I'm a promiscious little slut, that's the problem. And dammit, if I can't fuck whoever my fancy takes, I'll be celibate - and oddly enough, I can do either, casually and comfortably. It's this whole one man my whole world thing that bugs me.

Countdown (count up??)

Yaaayyyy mee!! Not only did we have sex last night, I actually more or less initiated.

A good meal, two weeks of loving kindness and tenderness, and a bottle of champange. As usual, it was grand - great - had me giggling and shivering through the whole thing, and of course he was just - ecstatic. Thinking back, I think the last time we had sex was at least a month ago, maybe about 5, 6 weeks? Oh course, included in that period were two week-long periods, a week of a pregnancy scare (I'm perpetually paranoid - see previous entry for why), and a week and a half of him being a royal ass because I didn't give him any. Which, means we had a week and a half window for sex....which while it still sucks, it isn't too too bad.

I have to reassure myself that I don't TOTALLY suck. But, I wanted to note when and the circumstances around when we have sex - esp. if I initiate (which is even rarer) to try and keep a record of what makes me click. We were celebrating some REALLY good news (still nervous, but it's a bit of a weight off of my shoulders) and like I said - two tequila sunrises, and a shared bottle of VERY nice champange - and off come the clothes.

In our last 'conversation' Hubby made a comment that kinda hurt my feelings - and I couldn't really understand the logic behind (at least in my head). He said that it hurt him/made him tendersad that the only time I am really sexual (and enthuased about it) is when I've been knocking a few back. I suspect that in order for me to be - consistently randy - it's going to take some sort of medication, and honestly, I'm cool with that. But - I couldn't understand from his point of view how medication from a doctor to make me horny is any better/different from SELF-medication to make me horny/randy. He's kinda stuck on the idea that I have inhibitions that cause me to not desire sex - but I don't FEEL inhibited - I just don't feel. and liqour makes me FEEL and desire to be felt quicker. Not that I'm saying that it DOESN'T drop my inhibitions, as much of my slutting occured while I was blowed out of my BRAIN, and when I woke up the next morning I usually wasn't the LEAST bit interested in doing the deed with them again - except Samson - but as I've said - he was exceptional. Soo....not sure why he's okay with the drugs changing my mental state and not okay with the alcohol changing my mental state - Men. I wouldn't think he would CARE either way.

So, last night I signed onto a new swinger site - currently we are members of swappernet, adultfriendfinder, SDC...and someplace else, that I can't remember off the top of my head. SDC is the one I joined last night - I wonder how much that had to do with the spontaeneous sex.

I've - suspected - for a long time that my main issue is low testosterone. I did some reasearch/reading a long time ago, and the description of women with exceptionally low testosterone fit me to a T. Mainly - that RUSH you get from a new encounter - at least in women - is actually your body, responding to this new stimulus, producing higher quantities of testosterone than usual. However, after about 3 months, the 'newness' has worn off, and the levels of testosterone being produced drop rather quickly back down to normal. Each time there is someone new though, it spikes back up.

So - I've noticed that every time I even THINK about potentially getting/finding/looking for a girlfriend, I get - randier. It usually only takes a day or so - and it last for at least a week. The same way when I go out dancing/to clubs - WITHOUT hubby. The rush of interaction and sexual interest/tension from strangers (plus the alcohol, I'm sure) ramps me up to a tightwound ball of needy, horny, randy pussy....which Hubby loves, to no end. However - I haven't been able to fully - express this train of thought to him - I don't know how to say it in a way that he won't 'hear' - "You're old hash, I need some new booty to get my juices going" - despite the fact that he will MOST certainly benefit from the added juciness. So, I continue to dance around the edge of it - trying to get that 'stimulation' from others without him being aware of it.

Gah. relationships are SO messy.

deja vu

"so how does it feel to be in the couple and not the incoming freak?"

Very, very, very odd.

We talked. We cried.... a lot actually. We realized that yeah, we do have options - I don't HAVE to change, and neither does he. I realized that yeah, he does love me - and he confirmed that he always knows that I love him.

Good lord help me, I'm stepping BACK into the lifestyle. I was smoking something yes, but this is CRAZY.

*laugh* And so much fun. Good lord.

Unmasking the Night

I have alot on my heart and mind right now, and I am not sure exactly how I want to deal with it..if at all. T convinced me (not a hard thing to do) to come and sty the night over her house on Saturday. I agreed, and had a pretty good time. Didn't get there until late, but still a good time was had by all.
I woke up Sunday to the sounds of an arguement. Her and T were having it out...*sighs* and at that moment I wished thst I had a car so that I could just get up, get dressed and leave. I did not like being the neutral party to both sides in my parent's rocky marraige/divorce..and I am not liking it now. Of course, my sympathies lie with Tfemale *shrugs* where else could they go, but I am scared of what might happen between us if they DO break up. I know I am not ready to be anybody's one & only. and I don't think that I would be anywhere near ready or willing to do that for her.. Love not with standing. Later hse came in and told me that the arguement was not about me, but I mean really... *sighs* I don't want to be anywhere near coming between a couple. I never wanted it to be...and even if it is the fact of her being bisexual, and not the fact of her being with me... STILL...I currently represent her bisexuality. *sighs* I don't know. I wish I was blinder to the facts... I wish I wasn't so damn observant, I wish I could pretend that all is well. But it isn't...so I am flowing and going along the best I can. She told me (in a sideways kinda way) that she has a diary on here, and I have decided not to even consider looking for it. We all deserve some little amount of privacy.. to hash out the issues that come up in our lives.

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Anyway....other than the minor amount of chaos in my lovelife...everything else seems to be going well. School is still kicking my rump, but I kick back every chance I can...and I think that I will end up on top. A little more than a month to finals... and I have a strong B average going on...this might be a good year.
I am on this diet, called the Atkins Diet, (low carb) and have been on it for roughly a week and a few days, and I have already lost 9 pounds. :) It is hard to stick to, but since both me & T are on the diet, that support makes it easier. I am eating more meat than I ever wanted to, and will have to find SOMETHING to keep me ummmm regular.... but I am thrilled by the fact that for the frist time a diet is WORKING for me, and thatI may actually be able to reach my goals without pulling my hair out.
Hmmm.. unmasking the night....last night WAS Halloween ( how odd that it fell on a Sunday) and I wrote a little something in the day's (and night's) honor.

I hide behind the mask
that holds my heart in check
I hide behind the spectacle
that lets my mind protect
I hide behind the words
that fall away with fear
I unmask the night
and run away from here

The night holds all the terrors
of a life too sharply led
the night holds the fears
that follow me to bed
the night takes me to task
for all I think I lack
the night hovers
in silence
breathing down my back
I unmask the night
And face all my fears
I unmask the night
and make my stand here.

Style of Sex

I opened MSWord….fully intending to sit down and write a long diatribe on the follies of Internet communication. And then I asked a simple question and started talking about religion...and evolution...and all sorts of delightful things. anyhow…. I decided not to write about that… simply because it doesn’t hold QUITE as true anymore… so..where to now? *sighs* let’s talk about it…. sex that is….

I had quite the weekend this weekend. And last.. which I haven’t talked about just yet… or the repercussions from last weekend.

I guess I will start with last weekend..because that affected this weekend in some ways.. *sighs* I don’t know..

I went to a get together that T&T had…. according to Tfemale… was NOT going to be a sex party…she was.. *laughs* performing an experiment to see if a group of open minded people could get-together withOUT sex occurring. In other words.. could we get together and chill & kick it and be ourselves without somebody having to f***? To put it simply it failed pretty damn badly.. it denigrated into an all out sex party. I wasn’t part of it because I was sick… stomach problems? *raised eyebrow* that may have been my way of getting out of a situation that I was thoroughly uncomfy with. I truly DID not want to f*** any of the people there…. especially the guys.. *yeech* like I said.. I am just not into the whole dude thing.. So I spent the weekend there… the party was on Saturday…and I stayed there over night..and I spent Sunday there too. Now mind you.. me and Tfemale had been.. *thinks* touching each other all during the party.. not DOING anything even remotely hedonistic.. but touching.. on the arms.. on the face.. *sighs* it was… very relaxing and safe feeling for me. Anyhow…. Tmale went out with the remaining couple for breakfast and Tfemale and I chilled around the house… when Tmale got back .. *sighs* he was doing something or another and started having sex with Tfemale…anyhow..somehow I got pulled into it… literally… *laughs* for the longest me & Tfemale were just kissing… that was it. And… *thinks* it felt so good. *laughs* It was almost like a soul kiss… but not.. it was something outside of what I have gone before.. I was like I could have kissed her forever and been simply happy with doing that and only that… but I progressed onto doing more.. and we will draw the curtain over that scene…
fast forward to.. *Thinks* Wednesday I guess… me & Tfemale are talking…and the subject of ‘us’ comes up…. and it was odd..because she was trying to feel out how I felt about her..and I had to be honest.. that if it wasn’t for her husband.. I would want to be in a relationship with her (I think.. we aren’t going to get into my whole relationship thing) ..but once again that male presence would just… warp everything somehow. so..that went through.. and I was kinda… floating for awhile because I think/thought that I do want a girlfriend. I’m not going to go into the differences between being in a relationship with a an and being in a relationship with a woman. anyhow…. fast forward to this weekend. I had promised JEH a massage…. his back hurt for some reason or another… I told him I was going to try to be celibate...and he told me that we were gong to have sex before October. *rolls eyes* anyway. So he came over Saturday night.. I gave him the massage and it was cool… we were laying next to each other..cuz we do still love each other. *shrug* that is how we are…. anyhow.. he tried to go further.. *sighs* and that started the trend.. all weekend basically he was begging me to let him f*** me. and all weekend he was getting the same answer… NO NO & HELL NO. *shrugs* and…. I DID relate to him sexually… we did a lot of kissing and rubbing…. but I would have enjoyed it just as much without it. I like being around him..I like hanging with him..but he always manages to bring sex into it and that warps the whole thing. Once again.. I recognize that it is a matter of changing how we relate to each other..but damn I didn’t think it would be quite so hard.

So that long ass story brings me to now. And now is a question that is looking me dead in my face… assisted by a random snide remark tossed my way by MJW who is gay regarding bisexuality. What do I really want? I mean… as CAK told me…. you can’t be celibate with men and do stuff with Tfemale at the same time…. and he has a perfectly good point. I can’t..but do I even want to? the question that I am asking myself now is simply this… do I want to STOP having sex with men period for a while…. or do I want to stop having sex period? While deciding to only have sex with women would upset a few folx.. *shrugs* They will get over it.. this is my life my heart & my decision to make. I have been.. *thinks* looking over & past & around this question for a while because the implications that would come up are more than I am really ready to handle. I have never really been one to narrowly define anything..but if I choose to start having sex with ONLY women… that will change how I am viewed, and how my sexuality is viewed, by a lot of people.

And I’m not sure….which is the problem…. I love being with women… I love laying with a women… and right now at this point.. I like it more than I do being with man. *shakes head* I can’t explain it..but there is something in women that men (or at least the ones I have been dealing with) are lacking… and it is s something that I simply don’t see existing within them. *shrugs* so here I am…. and I’m wondering if refusing to have sex at ALL is a way of sticking my head in the sand for while….ignoring the problem as a whole.

So.. that is my state of confusion...that is my dilemma and somehow.. by writing it down I haven’t come to a decision…but I feel a whole hell of a lot better. Maybe I will read this tomorrow or Wednesday and it will seems so stupid and inane that I will laugh at myself….or maybe it will make perfect sense then. *shrugs* who knows?

Stay Jazzed.

Pulls Me Into the Pit...

*sighs* I write the best poetry & stuff like that when I hurt cuz then I have a mirrored egg around my heart and nothing but me exists in there.

The sweetest thing from this weekend…holding Tfemale in my arms as she came and kissing and stroking her face gently and having her turn to me with a kiss.
I can’t get emotionally involved with T&T.. I KNOW this with all consciousness.

(I am writing this right after the previous one..cuz I can’t stop writing…but oh I am SOO good at denial and ignoring things that hurt too much to look at straight on)

But at the same time…we get along so well. What Am I saying? We click...we act like old friends and new sistas… I like talking to her…about all sorts of things.. she likes the same tings I do. I am too loving of a person and I can FEEL my heart stretching out trying to wrap it’s fingers around her/them and hold them close...but I know it would be/will be madness.. They are married. To each other.. and a third person is till a third wheel no matter what.
Ow… I want to babble on about tings unimportant and inconsequential…and let everything else flow away and be free. I want to think about the color of my nails and what boy likes me and whether it’s gonna rain. I want to be able to drift off in a memory bliss. I want to fall in love so hard and so good that the concept of pain doesn’t even exist. I want to be who ever I want to be. I want to dance through life with a light heart and fragile feet…balanced on the edge of utter misery. Whoa. Emotional turmoil…signaled by sudden digestive stress. I will NOT go there… not today…not tonight. But I can’t ignore it. *side steps jerkily…* like a black hole my pain pulls me towards it. And the more I write about it the smaller it becomes. Ah. It doesn’t hurt as bad as I though it did. In fact I could almost sit her and lie to myself and say that it doesn’t hurt at all…but that would not be very Jazzy. *sighs* I don’t want to cry anymore...and I don’t want to harden up like old cement…
Work certainly allows you to distract yourself… I understand workaholics now.. they do it for the blunting. It’s time for me to go home…so I’m going to leave….and try my damnedest to…

Stay Jazzed.

Front Back Side to Side

Ohhhhohhhohhh……. *humms & rocks to Les Nubians*

Morning everyone…I am feeling pretty good today. I had a nice long weekend. It is incredible how long some weekends can be compared to how short others are. My last entry talked about a swinger’s party that I was going to on Saturday…well I went. And I had loads of fun. I’m not going to detail what went on, because 1) I don’t think the DM would be happy about that & 2) it would take too long for me to write it all. But I do want to talk about other things that came up from the party. I don’t know exactly what I want to say, so I will (as usual) just kinda flow along with it. When I first got there I felt kinda odd, but there was a very relaxed atmosphere…everyone was friendly...into each other and very open. *thinks* It’s hard to describe...but there was a feeling of family. I have been in many places, with even odder groups of people, but never have I felt so immediately welcomed. I have been among groups who to all intents and purposes were VERY much like me, same school, same sex, same color, around the same age…and I did not receive the unconditional welcome that I got there. I know T&T told me that there was a strict No means NO policy at the parties, and that I had nothing to worry about. Now I Wasn’t worried about anyone taking advantage of me.. I was more worried about being to nervous to really get into it. But…the couple I went with and I clicked so well that I had no fear. *smiles* It was fun. More than JUST the sex…but the ….I don’t know…companionship I guess…. It is really hard to describe.
Anyway.. I enjoyed myself….but the weekend brought up some problems… *sighs* and I don’t know how to handle them. For a while I was seriously attracted to the male portion of the couple I am swinging with, but now… the female portion is SOOO much more attractive to me. *frowns* This is my first regular threesome…but this time it was more of a twosome (her on me…or me on her… or…well you get the idea) and I think he felt kinda left out.. and I don’t know how to handle that , or if it is even MY place to handle it. I am leaving it up to Tfemale to decide how she wants to work it.. I hear them talking last night while I was out, regretfully...not what they were saying but just the fact that they WERE talking, and I hope they handled it…because I am really enjoying my time with them...but *sighs* I have to respect their relationship...which I think is a part of the whole thing. You have to understand...there is ALWAYS a primary relationship, and then there is a secondary one…sometimes both members of the primary have a secondary… sometimes they don’t. *sighs* and the fact that I think Tmale reallllly wants to ‘get’ with me, and Tfemale isn’t ready to take that step within their primary relationship is adding strain. Ah. Well….
*grins* I got TOYS yesterday…the dildo I got is too big…but I have already named the vibrator Black Magic….*laughs* I was too optimistic about the size of 1) an average man & 2) The size of a dildo…but I will be having fun with my other toy…I need to find a good lube that doesn’t irritate me…I am SUPER sensitive to almost every type of lube that is sold in those lil stores. I haven’t tried KY Jelly yet….but I might have to invest in some of that…cuz the side effects of using the wrong lube is…icky. *yawns* I neeed a god nap, but I am supposed to go music shopping with Nee tonight. God knows I don’t need to spend anymore money. *bounces* It’s a whole nother world out there little ones…with corners and cul-de-sacs far beyond any one persons imagination…I go off to explore…and always, through alll things, manage to….

Stay Jazzed.