Countdown (count up??)

Yaaayyyy mee!! Not only did we have sex last night, I actually more or less initiated.

A good meal, two weeks of loving kindness and tenderness, and a bottle of champange. As usual, it was grand - great - had me giggling and shivering through the whole thing, and of course he was just - ecstatic. Thinking back, I think the last time we had sex was at least a month ago, maybe about 5, 6 weeks? Oh course, included in that period were two week-long periods, a week of a pregnancy scare (I'm perpetually paranoid - see previous entry for why), and a week and a half of him being a royal ass because I didn't give him any. Which, means we had a week and a half window for sex....which while it still sucks, it isn't too too bad.

I have to reassure myself that I don't TOTALLY suck. But, I wanted to note when and the circumstances around when we have sex - esp. if I initiate (which is even rarer) to try and keep a record of what makes me click. We were celebrating some REALLY good news (still nervous, but it's a bit of a weight off of my shoulders) and like I said - two tequila sunrises, and a shared bottle of VERY nice champange - and off come the clothes.

In our last 'conversation' Hubby made a comment that kinda hurt my feelings - and I couldn't really understand the logic behind (at least in my head). He said that it hurt him/made him tendersad that the only time I am really sexual (and enthuased about it) is when I've been knocking a few back. I suspect that in order for me to be - consistently randy - it's going to take some sort of medication, and honestly, I'm cool with that. But - I couldn't understand from his point of view how medication from a doctor to make me horny is any better/different from SELF-medication to make me horny/randy. He's kinda stuck on the idea that I have inhibitions that cause me to not desire sex - but I don't FEEL inhibited - I just don't feel. and liqour makes me FEEL and desire to be felt quicker. Not that I'm saying that it DOESN'T drop my inhibitions, as much of my slutting occured while I was blowed out of my BRAIN, and when I woke up the next morning I usually wasn't the LEAST bit interested in doing the deed with them again - except Samson - but as I've said - he was exceptional. Soo....not sure why he's okay with the drugs changing my mental state and not okay with the alcohol changing my mental state - Men. I wouldn't think he would CARE either way.

So, last night I signed onto a new swinger site - currently we are members of swappernet, adultfriendfinder, SDC...and someplace else, that I can't remember off the top of my head. SDC is the one I joined last night - I wonder how much that had to do with the spontaeneous sex.

I've - suspected - for a long time that my main issue is low testosterone. I did some reasearch/reading a long time ago, and the description of women with exceptionally low testosterone fit me to a T. Mainly - that RUSH you get from a new encounter - at least in women - is actually your body, responding to this new stimulus, producing higher quantities of testosterone than usual. However, after about 3 months, the 'newness' has worn off, and the levels of testosterone being produced drop rather quickly back down to normal. Each time there is someone new though, it spikes back up.

So - I've noticed that every time I even THINK about potentially getting/finding/looking for a girlfriend, I get - randier. It usually only takes a day or so - and it last for at least a week. The same way when I go out dancing/to clubs - WITHOUT hubby. The rush of interaction and sexual interest/tension from strangers (plus the alcohol, I'm sure) ramps me up to a tightwound ball of needy, horny, randy pussy....which Hubby loves, to no end. However - I haven't been able to fully - express this train of thought to him - I don't know how to say it in a way that he won't 'hear' - "You're old hash, I need some new booty to get my juices going" - despite the fact that he will MOST certainly benefit from the added juciness. So, I continue to dance around the edge of it - trying to get that 'stimulation' from others without him being aware of it.

Gah. relationships are SO messy.