I'm - emotional.

No, maybe irritable is the right word. I want to throw a huge temper tantrum, and I've got utterly no reason to do so. Home is wonderful, we get paid tonight, work is - well, it's a pain in my ass, but that's normal, and I'm still not knocked up.

I think that might be it. That might be the root cause of the general over-emotionalness of -everything. It's vaguely PMSy feeling, actually, with the sense of something being 'off' inside my head, and utterly unaffected by what I'm doing out here.

I'm still reading cbirth, and still vacilliating back and forth. Well, not really, I'm debating prenatal care, now. I haven't met the local midwife (the only one I'm willing to use), and I'm hoping - yet not - that we don't hit if off, and then, it'll leave me a clearer path.

I'm considering going to a family doctor, but how many of them do prenatal care, anymore? That's all the realm of an OB - like I really need one to have me pee in a cup and weigh me and write a slip for an ultrasound. Then, I'm also still considering the OB/GYN that I've gone to before - a really cool, seemingly laid back black lady. I don't know - she had a small practice, and she SEEMED aiight - though I do remember tsking over the fact that she had a 'how to prepare for your c-section' pamphlet, but didn't have any breastfeeding ones.

And then, I'm thinking about the hospitals, in general. This town sucks, seriously, when it comes to hospitals - the one that I've doula'd in, I wouldn't birth in if you paid me to - besides, it's too far away. The one up the street from us, I've never been to - but I think I might check it out.

It's rather goofy of me to be worrying over all this, considering I'm not even partially pregnant yet - but it's the last little 'gnawing' worry that I have. I want to talk to A - but I feel - funny, somehow, emailing her ahead of time.

I've also decided that I'm going to go through this journal, and try to remove as many references to my actual location as possible. My name is out there, but that's okay - it won't help anyone find me.

*sigh* What an ugly and confusing mix of paranoia, fear, melencholy, and hope.

Home, home again.....

Made it home, safely, no dents, no despair.

I wished I wasn't driving so much - I would have liked to journal a bit, and to take more pictures, and etc. But, me driving was ever so much LESS stressful than having DH drive (have I mentioned he's totalled 3 cars in seven years, two of them mine? Yeah. I'm enourmously paranoid about him driving my car) so I sucked it up, and enjoyed the ride.

The time with the family wasn't too bad - they seem to be mellowing out some. I spent most of the day nose deep in a book, though, so that made it better, as it always has, since I was a wee one.

Back at work, and oh dear, what a dreary day this has been. It's a suckerpunch to the stomach to be reminded how much I don't CARE - esp. after spending so much time - active and engaged in LIFE - to be back here, and feeling like it's just all shit on a wall, again. *sigh* It's - work, though, and I've signed up for it, so I'll shove on through it.

BFP's seem to be abounding around me - I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a much harder time with those who are further along, oddly enough. I still sigh over the belly pictures, but there's a bit of a gutcheck now - it's not quite jealousy, more like regret/longing. It's sadmaking, is what it is.
However! My period was a mere 5 days this go around, and I'm feeling - normal? Upbeat? Horny, dare I say? And I'm wondering if this 'formula' I'm on is getting things settled. I'm almost scared to start working out, and throwing another potential wrench into things, but I still am.

Hrm, yes. I'm going - tonight, I suppose, though I might drag my feet (rephrase, I will drag my feet) til the weekend - I need to get some stuff for the gym.
1) Heater
2) Timer
3) Plug Converter/power strip
4) Cleaning Supplies
5) Gym Shoes
And I think that's about it - so that I can start working out, regularily. My thought is to wake up and actually get out of bed when I temp (6:15am), meditate for about 15-20 minutes, then go and work out for an hour - that's why I want the timer, so I can have the heater come on before I go to workout, and it'll be nice and warm. That'll take me to 7:15, which is about when I normally start getting ready for my day. I'll skip Sat/Sun, and those will be my 'treat' days of being able to sleep in.

I realized that I have a very warped self image. It's one of the things that makes keeping myself motivated to keep exercising so hard - I really, rarely see just HOW fat I am. I'm yuge. 260 pounds on a 5'4 frame is obviously huge, but I don't feel it, and I rarely see it - even when I'm standing in front of the mirror. *sigh* But then, there are times when I see it so CLEARLY - the lumps and bumps and bulges and folds and I wonder, briefly, how DH can possibly be attracted to alla THIS. Then, I look at him, and realize how much love smoothes over the minor (and major) imperfections - turning them into something not ugly, but simply He. So, I'm assuming that's the same thing he sees, but I'd certainly be more - certain - if I wasn't QUITE so fucking fat.

And I spent close to a grand on that Treadmill - I'd be damned if I don't use it.

Base Camp, Night One

I figured I'd record our travels to the inlaws over Thanksgiving, since we are actually 'roadtripping'. We decided to take the Great River Road north to Central Il, stopping at the local winieries along the way, and then cut due east across Il and In to the in-laws.

Today, we left the house a little late - didn't actually get on the road til around 10am, and by the time we fueled the cars and ourselves, it was closer to 10:30.

So - we drove, taking 51 most of the way north, cutting through Henning and Dyersburg and Ripley and a bunch of other little towns on our way to Hickman, Ky. We saw a sign for the Miss. River, early on, but once we realized that it was a 30 mile round trip out of our way, AND didn't have a ferry, we stayed on 51 instead.

In Hickman, we took a ferry across the river to Dorena, Mo. From Dorena, we took a closer look at the map, and realized that taking 61 north would keep us on the River Road, vs taking Yahoo's directions and staying on the major roads. So, after taking 102 to 105 t0 60W, we finally ended up on 61 - the first time we saw the vaunted River Road signs, too.

We made it to Cape Gieraduee (horrid spelling for a lovely little French Settler town), and upon realizing that 1) it was the biggest town for a while and 2) we wouldn't make it to Ste Gieneveve in time to visit the winieries, we decided to stay here overnight.

We tried the waterfront, but it reminded us of small, dull towns - the street was rolled up at 4pm, and half the shops looked permanently closed. Luckily, we found the visitors center, and scooped up some information about lodging.

We scored a hotel room, made a Target run for a few supplies, and then went back to the room for a little relaxation before dinner.

The hotel we were in offered a 20% off coupon for a nearby restaraunt, and the menu doesn't look half bad, so that's where we'll be going for dinner.

So far, I've enjoyed myself amazingly. I've never taken back roads on PURPOSE before, and it's an entirely different slice of America we're cutting through. The trees are lovely in their fall colors, and the corn stalks that are left are the most breathtaking shade of sunsilk gold ever.

The occasional 20MPH zones do drive me crazy, but I still prefer them over the times when we intersect with an interstate and the speed limit is suddenly 70MPH - I'm ENJOYING going slowly.

Today was totally not supposed to turn out this way - but I'm enjoying it. There really is no rush, and we have MORE than enough time to do all the things we want to, and even if we run out of time, guess what? We can always come back and do it again - I wanted to see the Indian Mounds, anyhow - and I knew we couldn't do it this trip.

I doubt that we'll spend any night sleeping in the car, even though we came prepared for that - I think it's a bit cold, personally.

I'll add pictures to it later tonight - we left the camera in the car.

Oh, and I think my period started today. Mrumph.

Bitchin...

At least I'm healthy again, but now, I hate people.

I really don't want to be at work (and ooh, look, it's only noon) but that's most likely my eagerness to get home and start my vacation time.

C & I had a huge, stupid, fight last night, mostly because of a straw that broke this camels back, and him being thickheaded - I hate it when people agree with me just to shut me up - no, the conversation ain't over til it's done. *sigh*

Anyhow, now I'm all moody today because I know he's gonna be grumpy for at least two more days (oh, the delights of being married to a man moodier than you are)

And there's the trip 'home' that I have not planned for, thought about, prepped or packed for, and I know that I need to do all of that, as well, otherwise we'll leave Monday sometimes and spend the whole time at GMIL's house - and ugh. At least I've figured out our answer - we just brought a house, we're in no rush to have a baby! I have no issues whatsoever with lying to that bunch.

Hrm, what else? Had a wonderful potluck at work, and made a really good beans and rice recipe - used some Zatar, which gave it a nice full-bodied flavor. It really needs a hunk of ham to simmer with it, but I made it vegetarian so our veggie coworker would be able to eat it.

I've been spacing on taking my pills for the last few days - either walked out the house without them, or never took them at work. *shrug* I don't know - I know I need to be still taking them, but missing a day or two here and there doesn't seem to be too bad. I take them at night pretty faithfully, so it's not even a whole day, it's just a dose that I'm missing.

I SOOOOOOOOO want this day to fly by. Please?

I'm getting sick.

I HATE being sick, and it's such a rare occurance for me, that I don't really know how to deal with it.

I rest, a lot. I drink, a lot. I eat what my belly wants. I stay warm.

The basics, ya know? It's still irksome - and I'm hoping that I haven't caught the flu from someone who got the vax shedding. *glares at coworkers* I was getting a couple of hot flashes today - that might have been from me moving around fast with a sweater on, though.

It's also officially cold now, which is irritating. I desppppise cold weather. Suck, suck, suck.

Did I mention that I get whiny when I'm sick, too? No? Well I do. It's all poor me, and hate that, and this sucks. Hrm, I wonder if that's why I was so. damn. grumpy! yesterday - oncoming sick.

I still haven't planned out our Thanksgiving trip.

So far - I know we will be stopping in for greek food (ooh, a hoagie would be lovely tonight! But all that cheese and bread would stop me up, for sure!) and maybe going to the head shop. I should get my other tattoo too - stop in at the same place where I got my first one. I should swing by Lilly, and see my excoworkers, but I don't know.

We'll most likely be in Marion the 22/23/24, then drive back the 24/25.... not sure how we are going to do the drive up thing.

And Trans-Siberian Orchestra is coming to Memphis! I'm so excited - must get tickets.

And I SO can't believe it's only 3pm - why is this day draggggiinnngg so? I think I'll be leaving around 4pm, for inconsolable sickness. I also need to get some air in my poor, poor mostly flat tire. *sigh*

sweetheart

Testing date on Thanksgiving. Most likely won't test until four or five days after that.

Trying to remain calm, and zen, but I have a really good feeling about this cycle.

08/16 - Full Moon
08/18 - G's anniversary

I need to ask C when his grandmothers birthday is.

And the Chinese calendar says girl.

snarls

Snarl is actually a kinda pretty word - makes me think of my hair, but in a good way.

I'm grumpy today. It's cold, I have to deal with a meeting with the dilliest of my coworkers, I'm still not knocked up, and did I mention that it's cold?

Also, I would like to eat, but today, as like the four or five last days before this, I don't want to eat what I brought along to eat today.

So, yes, I'm generally grumpy. But!

On high notes - it's Wednesday, which means the week is almost over.
It's going to be a short week next week, because we're going on vacation (though, I cannot think too hard on the destination of that vacation, because that would make me MORE grumpy).
Urm, what else is cheerful in my life?

I think I'll go to lunch.

I don't know what I'll eat, but at least I'll be outta here.

*sigh*

cream

I look at my chart and feel contented and delighted.

At first, I thought that I wasn't sure why - but it's an expanse of potential. This is the fun part of TTC'ing - I'm not bleeding, I'm waiting to ovulate. This is the time that makes you want to pull your hair out, but this is also the only time that the chart REALLY makes a difference.

Oooh, food.

More later, maybe.

*tears*

It's not that I'm sad - really, I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. My mom asked me if I was sad last time we talked, because everytime she got off the phone with me, she was left with a lingering feeling of - sad.

I'm not. Or, if I am, it's the sort of sadness that just seeps in and covers everything in the same blanket of sad - so there's nothing that really scream out - SAD!

Melancholy? Maybe. That might be it. It's the sort of sad that you feel after you've moved from a really nice city to another one that's jsut as nice - but just, not the same. It's a transitionary sad - a grieving of that which - is. was. will be.

So. No, I'm not sad. And even when I read about others newborns, or cheer on others hoping for that BFP - I'm still not sad. I'm not jealous, anymore, either. I'm just - there. Maybe it's a bit of a facade - a bit of a wall between whatever is raging in my heart, and what I'm actually able to express. I think of my friend - TTC'ing for seven years - and wonder how she felt - how did she respond to others?

Maybe I'm disappointed. Disappointed in me? No, disappointed in time. My expectations did not match up to the reality, despite all of my efforts otherwise, and - that is a little saddening.

But it still doesn't make me sad. Not yet. I'm not sure when - maybe, one day - years from now, if we still haven't concieved, I'll be sad then. Sad for the sure loss of the life I believed I would have.

But not now. Now is still time for hope, even if it's cloaked in a melancholy dress. Hope is waht lets me read. Hope is what makes me cheer. Hope is what drives me on. Hope, and even deeper than that, certainty. I don't know when, but I still believe it will.

40 is the new 20

Like bloody hell it is.

Driving in to work this morning, a lady called in to give herself a birthday shout out, and the DJ commented that 40 is the new 20.

Even if I look at it from a perspective that with longer average lifespans, 40 isn't the 'end' of your life - but then, I never held to that, either. Hell, I don't consider 80 to be the 'end' of your life if you still have your mind and a good bit of your body and your health.

I'm only 30, and the idea that 40 is the new 20 was insulting as all get out - by the time I'm 40, I would have lived for 20 more year beyond my twenties. I'll be smarter, wiser, more confident, more secure, more Me. I'll have learned, and loved, and lost. I'll have overcome adversity, and I'll have given in to things I cannot change.

In fact, the ONLY thing that could possibly have NOT improved on me between the ages of 20 and 40 is my physical apperance - and nowadays, hell, that's not even a given. In ten years, I MIGHT not be obese anymore - it certainly gives me plenty of time to work towards it.

So, what, exactly makes 40 the new 20? Are 40y/o's now immature, still living with their parents, barely starting out on a carrer, and freshfaced and young? Holy shit, I most bloody well HOPE not.

I mean - really. Maybe that's what really pissed me off the most - the idea that perky boobs and a lack of crows feet are somehow better than all of the experience that extra twenty years provide. That if you could just stay suspended there - in your 20's - that makes you better than someone who has moved on and grown - maybe out, but DEFINITELY up.

But then, maybe that's the problem with this country and this culture, as a whole. We don't want to grow up. We want to stay children, and have someone else take care of us, and manage our retirement, and manage our health. We want someone to tell us what to eat, and when, and where to live, and what to want. Maybe we, as a country, HOPE that 40 is the new 20, because it means you can still be excused for not knowing better, for not caring more, for still having an adolescent attitude towards life.

No thank you. I happen to LIKE being an adult - with all the freedoms (and the pains) that entails. I only have two parents, and I don't need the gov't or society to be my stepparents of adulthood.

40 is the new 20 (0r 30) my ass. Droopy, stretchmarked, and bigger than it was 10/15/20 years ago as it may be.

Myths in Time...

The time before the First Time was the Golden Age. All that existed in that time were the Ogdad - the Eight Gods and Goddesses of everything that is and was not.

Long before even the conception of the idea of existence, the gods stood at the points of the compass and the goddess stood between them - the frog-headed gods and the snake-headed goddesses repeated and frozen, fixed into place by the force of the balance they embodied.

Time went on and never moved, and the Age stood still, mirroring the frozen gods.

The Eight possessed memory and minds which thought, and they grew restless and crafty and begin to think on what would bring variety to the never-ending sea of darkness filled with unseeable things.

Perhaps seeing would bring us amusement roared Amun in a voice that was all and nothing at once.
We cannot force sight, as we hold power over that which cannot be seen, whispered Amaunet.
And the Eight were silent.

Kauket challenged her - We control the dark - without darkness there must be sight.
But without darkness, what power would we have, questioned Kek.
And the Eight were silent.

We have all the time there ever was, pondered Heh.
And as long as we remain balanced, we hold all the time that ever will be, rejoined Hauhet.
And the Eight were silent.

The waters contain the all, Naunet added in a voice of oceans and space.
We could part the waters, and perhaps, perhaps then something new would be revealed, responded Nun.
And the Eight were silent.

All around them, there was a maelstrom of sound, as the waters rushed back from them, leaving them frozen, hanging in a sea of nothingness. The waters drained, and the waters dropped, and finally the waters stopped moving, leaving an empty space between and around the Eight, but nothing changed.

There is still timelessness.
And there is still dark.
And there are still the unseeable things.

The darkness wavered, something not light but not dark either danced along the edges of the water, leaping between the open space and the Eight and the Water, but nothing appeared.

There is still timelessness
And there are still the unseeable things.

Heh moved, spinning in a slow pirouette, turning his face away from the circle and whispered - I can see what was.
Hauhet moved, spinning in a slow pirouette, turning her face away from the circle and exclaimed - I can see what will be!

But the unseeable things are still here.

Hauhet sighed, seeing what was to come. There is now time and I see change. Wait.

Naunet groaned as the waters tried to return to their place. Now that movement has begun, there is little time left.

Kauket focused and the notlight/notdark changed, growing stronger. I see - I see - what is it that I see?

With a crack, the waters broke open and flooded back towards the Eight, and Amun screamed - I see them! Amaunet countered - no, no, I see IT!

And as the waters returned to their place, for the first time since the Age had begun, the Eight moved out of the places they had stood since they came aware of being.

And the all shuddered. And the waters rushed. And time moved. And something grew - grew from the waters that rushed in beneath them and all around them, and between them, and into the places they no longer held.

It leapt from the waters, bearing the Eight upon its height - the Mound that is Khmun.

Nun and Naunet moved away from it, retreating to its edges, and to the touch of the waters they controlled.

It is not water, it is the land. We are powerless over it.

The Eight stared at this new thing - the first new thing since they themselves appeared.

The waters lapped around the mound, and something like a soft wind blew. It was silent again, but only for a moment.

The Mound shuddered, throwing the Eight to their feet, and cracked open, and from within it came something never before seen.

What is it? What can it be? they whispered, eyes wide with the experience of seeing.

Kek and Kauket retreated from glow emanating from the mound.

Is it not dark - it is what pushes the dark away. It is light and it reveals new things and we are powerless over it.

As the light bubbled and rolled out of the Mound, something else arose.

A lotus flower, rising with the light, and blooming as it rested on top of the Mound.

It is change - it grows and blooms and must die, and we are powerless over it.

Heh and Hauhet stepped away from the Mound, stretching out time between them.

The wind blew again, and a bird’s call broke through the silence.

In the light of the Mound, above the lotus, something was seen.

It is the unseeable thing, made visible, and we are powerless over it.

Amun and Amaunet stared, unable to control the bird that swooped and dived above them.

The ibis finally landed, its curved beak arching high over the mound, and with another call, it laid an egg upon the lotus.

The ibis, and the Eight waited, and watched, and time flowed on and on, inwards and outwards, as the waters lapped the base of the mound.

The egg shook, and cracked, and a brilliant beam of light shot out from the cracks. The scraps of shell fell into the waters around the mound, and swam away.

The egg opened, and Re stepped from it, fully made and young, with eyes that glowed with light and hair that flowed like water and garb that was visible only to those who could see the unseen, and a voice that echoed through time.

I am Re.
And I have power over the lands and the waters.
He made the waters into a bridge over the Mound, and sat Nun and Naunet upon it.

I am Re.
And I have power over the light and the dark.
He shaped the dark, and made shade for Kek and Kauket upon the Mound, and sat them beneath it.

I am Re.
And I have power over time and eternity.
He curved time, and pulled Heh and Hauhet onto the Mound, fixing time between them into an ever turning wheel.

I am Re.
And I have power over the seen and unseen.
He summoned the ibis to him, and bound it to Amun and Amaunet to ride upon so that they could see the seen and unseen without sight.

I am Re.
And I will create the world.

Bouncing, bouncing....

...from topic to topic that is.

3429 words on day one if Nano! I always start off strong though, and then peter out to nothingingness and bullshit though, so we shall see. I'm REALLY trying to focus on just blowing through this month, worrying about intrigue and proper names and etc, etc, etc, at a later date.
I'm not going to be posting bits of it - unless I decided that I REALLY like it. I'll post the creation story that I wrote in July, though - I really liked that.

I'm moving up to the 4g now - . My ears are a little hot, and a little surly, but it was a MUCH easier stretch than I thought it would be. I suspect it's because I REALLY let my ears heal - I've been at a 6g for - sheesh, since early summer, or so? My left ear still stretched much easier than my right, as usual - but a little Liquid Gold, and amazingly enough, it slid right in. So odd. I'm using pyrex spirals, and I'm shifting them as my ears whine more so that it's on a smaller bit.

I asked the magic 8-ball at work today whether I would get pregnant this cycle, and it said postively! *lmao* Yeah, we shall see, magic 8. Though, I think that I am FINALLY about to stop bleeding - I woke up this morning, and there was no leakage, so that's a start. I'll be so THRILLED to be having sex again, heaven knows THAT.

I've lost track of whether I'm supposed to henna this week, or next week. Oh! I need to change out my calandars, too. Hah! How appropiate! I have an Egyptian calendar, and this months image is of Horemheb, the Pharoah after Ay who was after Tutankhamun, and Horenheb happens to be the pharoah that is in power when my MC in Nano dies.....but, anyhow, henna. This weekend is a chruch meeting, and I don't think that there is anything going on next weekend....so I might wait. Or I might not. We'll see how I feel on Saturday.

Suprisingly enough, I don't have any plans for this weekend. I need to shove some more dirt around the roots of the bushes we moved - I didn't have the energy to do that last weekend. Ooh, and maybe I should start working on some clothes. I went to the thrift store today, a scooped up a big white board - I think that will make a suitable 'no cut' board for a rotatry blade. I'm cheeeaaapppppp and I REALLY don't wanna pay freaking 40 bucks for a tiny rotatry board.
Kiss mah grits.

Urm, whatelse?

I think that about covers it.