Firsts....

For the first time, I bawled like a baby over not yet being pregnant. I've teared up a couple of times, I've gone into funks, but this - this made me cry.

For senior, abortion a medium for art, political discourse

Martine Powers

Staff Reporter
Published Thursday, April 17, 2008

Art major Aliza Shvarts '08 wants to make a statement.

Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself "as often as possible" while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body. But her project has already provoked more than just debate, inciting, for instance, outcry at a forum for fellow senior art majors held last week. And when told about Shvarts' project, students on both ends of the abortion debate have expressed shock . saying the project does everything from violate moral code to trivialize abortion.

But Shvarts insists her concept was not designed for "shock value."

"I hope it inspires some sort of discourse," Shvarts said. "Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it's not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone."

The "fabricators," or donors, of the sperm were not paid for their services, but Shvarts required them to periodically take tests for sexually transmitted diseases. She said she was not concerned about any medical effects the forced miscarriages may have had on her body. The abortifacient drugs she took were legal and herbal, she said, and she did not feel the need to consult a doctor about her repeated miscarriages.

Shvarts declined to specify the number of sperm donors she used, as well as the number of times she inseminated herself.

Art major Juan Castillo '08 said that although he was intrigued by the creativity and beauty of her senior project, not everyone was as thrilled as he was by the concept and the means by which she attained the result.

"I really loved the idea of this project, but a lot other people didn't," Castillo said. "I think that most people were very resistant to thinking about what the project was really about. [The senior-art-project forum] stopped being a conversation on the work itself."

Although Shvarts said she does not remember the class being quite as hostile as Castillo described, she said she believes it is the nature of her piece to "provoke inquiry."

"I believe strongly that art should be a medium for politics and ideologies, not just a commodity," Shvarts said. "I think that I'm creating a project that lives up to the standard of what art is supposed to be."

The display of Schvarts' project will feature a large cube suspended from the ceiling of a room in the gallery of Green Hall. Schvarts will wrap hundreds of feet of plastic sheeting around this cube; lined between layers of the sheeting will be the blood from Schvarts' self-induced miscarriages mixed with Vaseline in order to prevent the blood from drying and to extend the blood throughout the plastic sheeting.

Schvarts will then project recorded videos onto the four sides of the cube. These videos, captured on a VHS camcorder, will show her experiencing miscarriages in her bathrooom tub, she said. Similar videos will be projected onto the walls of the room.

School of Art lecturer Pia Lindman, Schvarts' senior-project advisor, could not be reached for comment Wednesday night.

Few people outside of Yale's undergraduate art department have heard about Shvarts' exhibition. Members of two campus abortion-activist groups . Choose Life at Yale, a pro-life group, and the Reproductive Rights Action League of Yale, a pro-choice group . said they were not previously aware of Schvarts' project.

Alice Buttrick '10, an officer of RALY, said the group was in no way involved with the art exhibition and had no official opinion on the matter.

Sara Rahman '09 said, in her opinion, Shvarts is abusing her constitutional right to do what she chooses with her body.

"[Shvarts' exhibit] turns what is a serious decision for women into an absurdism," Rahman said. "It discounts the gravity of the situation that is abortion."

CLAY member Jonathan Serrato '09 said he does not think CLAY has an official response to Schvarts' exhibition. But personally, Serrato said he found the concept of the senior art project "surprising" and unethical.

"I feel that she's manipulating life for the benefit of her art, and I definitely don't support it," Serrato said. "I think it's morally wrong."

Shvarts emphasized that she is not ashamed of her exhibition, and she has become increasingly comfortable discussing her miscarriage experiences with her peers.

"It was a private and personal endeavor, but also a transparent one for the most part," Shvarts said. "This isn't something I've been hiding."

The official reception for the Undergraduate Senior Art Show will be from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. on April 25. The exhibition will be on public display from April 22 to May 1. The art exhibition is set to premiere alongside the projects of other art seniors this Tuesday, April 22 at the gallery of Holcombe T. Green Jr. Hall on Chapel Street.

The first thought in my head? That BITCH! She gets pregnant - multiple times, no less! - solely to have an ABORTION for the sake of fucking ART?!? ART? Where is the art, in that?

Art: a: the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects; also : works so produced

I suppose, if one was being strictly dictionary, she did use her creative imagination to produce an aesthetic object, if someone can find beauty in blood and dead children. *tear* I can't. It's just a open bit of sadness, for me, right now. Actually, this would have been horrifying and - seriously psychotic - no matter where I was in my life, but at this point? Right HERE? It's making me cry.

I suppose dead kittens are art, too, somewhere.

The only thing that soothes me, is that - while she did say that she repeatedly inseminated, maybe - just maybe - she really wasn't pregnant. Maybe - just maybe - it's really just menstrual blood, and she wanted to make it more 'interesting' and 'shocking', so she called it a miscarriage.
That's the only thing that's - that's - I don't know. It's the only thing that could possibly make this less horrifying.

From a purely political point of view - I think that she had the right to do what she did. By law, she was well within her rights. As a pro-choice/pro-women's rights individual, I have to set my personal feelings aside, and say - yeah. That's her right - as unsettling as it is, because to say that it's not her right to do it, erodes all of our rights. Do I still think it's psychotic? But of course.
But then, all the 'good' artists are insane, aren't they?

40 is the new 20

Like bloody hell it is.

Driving in to work this morning, a lady called in to give herself a birthday shout out, and the DJ commented that 40 is the new 20.

Even if I look at it from a perspective that with longer average lifespans, 40 isn't the 'end' of your life - but then, I never held to that, either. Hell, I don't consider 80 to be the 'end' of your life if you still have your mind and a good bit of your body and your health.

I'm only 30, and the idea that 40 is the new 20 was insulting as all get out - by the time I'm 40, I would have lived for 20 more year beyond my twenties. I'll be smarter, wiser, more confident, more secure, more Me. I'll have learned, and loved, and lost. I'll have overcome adversity, and I'll have given in to things I cannot change.

In fact, the ONLY thing that could possibly have NOT improved on me between the ages of 20 and 40 is my physical apperance - and nowadays, hell, that's not even a given. In ten years, I MIGHT not be obese anymore - it certainly gives me plenty of time to work towards it.

So, what, exactly makes 40 the new 20? Are 40y/o's now immature, still living with their parents, barely starting out on a carrer, and freshfaced and young? Holy shit, I most bloody well HOPE not.

I mean - really. Maybe that's what really pissed me off the most - the idea that perky boobs and a lack of crows feet are somehow better than all of the experience that extra twenty years provide. That if you could just stay suspended there - in your 20's - that makes you better than someone who has moved on and grown - maybe out, but DEFINITELY up.

But then, maybe that's the problem with this country and this culture, as a whole. We don't want to grow up. We want to stay children, and have someone else take care of us, and manage our retirement, and manage our health. We want someone to tell us what to eat, and when, and where to live, and what to want. Maybe we, as a country, HOPE that 40 is the new 20, because it means you can still be excused for not knowing better, for not caring more, for still having an adolescent attitude towards life.

No thank you. I happen to LIKE being an adult - with all the freedoms (and the pains) that entails. I only have two parents, and I don't need the gov't or society to be my stepparents of adulthood.

40 is the new 20 (0r 30) my ass. Droopy, stretchmarked, and bigger than it was 10/15/20 years ago as it may be.

Shit & Sunshine

I always start by saying I don't have much to say, and then ramble on for three or four screens, so...I'mma be honest with myself and you and say I don't know what the hell I'm gonna say, but the fingers felt like typing.

Let's see.

My cat died. Mauled by a dog, apparently. Thank all the heavens, C found him while I was out of town as I might have plain out lost my mind. With the wee bit of distance NOT discovering him provides, I just leak occasionally.

 

I'm ever so glad I decided to play with my camera a few months ago and get some semi-good pictures of him. *tear* I'mma miss my furry little fatboy.

There. That's the misery out of the way.

Can you BELIEVE it's almost SEPTEMBER? *goggles* Holy shit, seriously, what happened to the year? I can feel fall peeking around the corner - the morning sunlight is - different. And the birds are starting to flock. And praise all that is holy, the mosquitos are starting to be a little LESS - biting.

I'm still vaugely irked at the assholes of the world, but I've been - withdrawing - in general, lately. I suspect I'm sliding gently into one of my 'fuck the world' phases (slowly, says she) and I'm quite alright with it. Or, maybe just one of my Screw you guys, I'm going offline moments. Yes... that might be more accurate.

Still not pregnant. Roughly five months, the start of roughly my fifth cycle (3rd, really, as the last one and one at the start of spring were annovulatory). I'm still decidedly dragging my feet about seeing a doctor, because, well, I don't want a doctor involved. *shrug* I've got an accupunturist appt. on Friday, and they have a TCM practioner there too. Yeah, I'll drink a nasty ass mixture of herbs and berries before I'll pop a pill. What can I say, I've become much more - fuck the system - lately.
Okay, not quite fuck the system, but I question EVERYTHING. I'm a doubtful, doubtful, downright suspicious Nellie.....and - I don't know. I'm listening to myself, and there is no fear just DEEP aversion.

Still gainfully employed. *pullshairgently* Speaking of which, my hair is doing wonderful, amazing, fabulous things - I need to pull out my camera and take a picture before it gets all muddled up again. It's growing like a weed, it is, and has gotten amazingly thicker, as well.

C is still working at the same place! Almost 9 months! It won't truly be a record til he breaks 2 years though, and he's already starting to get restless. *bangs head against wall* There are oftentimes - many times - that I wonder if me not being pregnant yet is a good thing.

But I was told to stop sending mixed bloody messages.

But I don't know how to accept it, and to accept that there ain't no good reason for it. I mean..... *sigh* I do try to force everything into something logical. *snort* You would think, 20 odd plus years of being on this planet, I would have grapsed the utter futility of that in certain situations. You WOULD think.

House is still wonderful, though the back half is starting to turn into a jungle. Garden finally gave up the ghost - I had a realllly crappy dirt mix. *sigh* But, each year is a lesson learned, and thank all the heavens that we aren't RELYING on it yet.

Hrm. What else?

I'm taking (asslaggingdragging, more accurately) a Homeopathy 101 course. I suck, as I jsut got the books over the weekend. I'm also still going to First Realm class, which had a high point in usefulness a few weeks ago, and since then have just been - blech. *shrug* It's okay though, as I'm not certain what I supposed to be learning, so whatever I'm learning is good enough. My shrine has been sadly, sadly, sadly neglected.
I'm a very bad little pagan. Or am I? What is the judgement of a good/bad pagan, as there are no books of dogma, and even if there were, they most likely wouldn't apply to my path.
At least I was wise enough to stay away from opened statues.
Gaaahd, I can't wait to quit.

Long weekend! I am 'working from home' on Friday, since my appt. is early in the day, then a friend is coming a visiting (must run that past the boy, and get him to help me with the futon), and then Monday is a holiday AND I took Tuesday off too, cuz I fucking rock like dat.

Only leaves me 3 days (I think) left for the rest of the year, but *shrug* whatever.

Haven't done a blessed bloody thing in the house for a while - we need to come to a consensus on whether the kitchen is 'done' - if so, I have many bottles to wash and rearrange. And why do boys think that 'cleaning' a room leaves room for dirty shit still left piled up in the corner of the room? A clean kitchen means CLEAN - not one with all the bloody pots & pans and other icky stuff your dainty fingers are far too fragile to wash still left heaped on the counter. That. Isn't. CLEAN. I'm far too tempted to throw many of them out. Faaaarrr too tempted.

I need to be sewing. And painting. And installing. And leveling. And weeding. And other useful type shit around the house, but instead I go home, pop right back online (I'm trying to catch up on a yahoogroup with 41K+ posts - from the START) and read and absorb and relax, somewhat. Or sleep. Oh, sleep is SO wonderful - esp. when it's hot.

Hrm.

I think my brain has run out of random things to spew. I'm averaging about 3 times a month now, eh?

I try to visit almost daily, but I'm about as crappy of a noter as I am a poster.

I am the Batman! *whirls cape and vanishes dramatically*

Wolves

I'm not the kind to get ANGRY, really. Anger is a - foreign feeling for me, most of the time. Now, I'm not saying that I have never been angry in my life - oh, no, I've been ragingly, blindingly, FURIOUSLY angry - but it's usually because of a totally over the top violation of the interpersonal agreement someone has made with me.

I don't LIKE being angry. It hurts, and it's pointless, and while a good string of cuss words can release a little steam, real anger twirls and twines in my belly and starts to eat ME up.

Frustrated, though? Oh, yes, I think I live most of my life frustrated. That the driver ahead of me isn't moving fast enough. That my coworkers are idiots. That people online are asses. That DH doesn't see dirt. That I still haven't won the lottery.

I think the difference - at least for me - is that frustration prompts ME to change, whereas anger makes you want to force the other to change. And ya know, one of the things I do know is that there ain't shit that I can do to FORCE someone else to change who doesn't want to - as nice as it would be to think that a raging, ranting, cussing streak at someone would make them be less (or more) whatthefuckever - it's totally unrealistic.

And, ya know, I would have thought that MOST people would be aware of that by now - at least the people of an age to be parents, ya know? Esp. the ones who are trying to be non-angry, non-yelling, non-hitting, parents..... I would expect for them to have gone through the transition of anger -> frustration, and to have learned ways to constructively use that energy to encourage change.

But, I see (and have seen, and am very sad to see) that in general, it's not the case. Not sure if it's the 'mob mentality'. Not sure if some people LIKE being angry, LIKE being mean, LIKE being so self-centered that only THEIR way of thinking is acceptable/hearable/worthy, and anything that challenges that is to be stomped upon and put out of it's misery ASAP.

And it makes me sad, it does. It really, really, really does make me sad.

Because - ya know, because of my transition of anger -> frustration, the energy that I would have put into my anger, I can now use to give the benefit of the doubt. Being frustrated/confused is a lot less stressful than being angry, and it clouds the mind much less, and with that extra energy and extra clarity I can think about what's been said/done, and examine things from the others POV, and be able to ask the RIGHT questions to understand if anger is even a valid response to the situation - and suprisingly enough, not only is it RARELY the right answer to a situation, MOST of the fucking time, it makes the situation WORSE.

And to ME - finding out where other people are authentically at is exciting! It's enjoyable. I like understanding people, and understanding where they are truly coming from, and understanding whether they are TRULY assholes, or if they are just misunderstood, or if they are just not as facile with words as I might be.

And from there - still with the energy I've conserved by not flying off the handle - I can decide how I want to use my time and energy further.

There are several places that I frequent, and where I know that certain people are just unconvertable assholes. I've given them a chance, I've put myself in their shoes, I've asked questions, and yup - you're an asshole. And ya know what? I don't rail against them for being an asshole - whats' the point? If they haven't becoe less of an asshole by NOW - ain't no shit I type gonna change that.

Thankfully, I don't live with you, live near you, work with you, nor am I forced to respond to everything (or anything) you say - and in fact, I can step back, and just shake my head at the rampant assholery, send a little sympathy to the people who do HAVE to deal with you, and move on.

Is that SERIOUSLY an act of wisdom, or just plain fucking common sense?

Seriously, ya'll?

I'm SOOOOOO confused. And tired. Anger makes me tired. And 95% of the time, it's SO fucking petty and SO fucking pointless and the main people who are FEEDING the fucking anger are the same ones bitching about the negative energy.

*pulls hair out of head*

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?

I mean.......................okay. Maybe it's just that anger trumps logic. Maybe people are tired, and stressed, and feel like anger is their only outlet to get out the feelings they are repressing about everything else in their life. Maybe they take things out on the strangers on the other side of the screen because it's 'easy', and it appears to have no effect on the angry person. Maybe it's some hormonally related release of cortisol - a good tearing down of someone else leaves you feeling more relaxed and in control of the life that you actually have. Maybe it's that some people don't know how to express their feelings without being purposefully cruel - though, it's sad if your default setting is 'mean as shit'.

Though, I can't quite understand how the venom that you spew in one area CAN'T affect you, and your life as a whole - I mean, how can you be so cruel in one minute, and then turn around and be loving and kind and generous to your family the next? Isn't that a wee bit psychotic to be able to split your feelings that way? A little Eight Faces of Eve?

Or, maybe, it's that the persona - the words/actions - of people online aren't 'really' them. Maybe most people are reversed from me - where I am the person that I feel is MOST authetically me online, and I put up various facades to people offline - online is safe, for me. Maybe it's because it automatically puts people an arm length away - and from an armlength away, it's much harder to stab me in the back (or in the heart) than it is from right beside me.

I don't know.

All I know is, it gets on my fucking nerves. Sweet Mother of us all, how LONG does it take people to grow UP? And dear god, if this is how the people who DON'T believe in yelling/hitting their kids act towards other adults, I only shudder to think of what the parents who DO believe in yelling and hitting are like - and the kind of vicious, angry people they are raising.

This is why I'm a hermit. Seriously. People are fucking insane - wolves slavering over a feast of dark emotions.

 

---

 

There was a grandfather, his little grandson often came in the evenings to sit at his knee and ask the many questions that children ask.

One day the grandson came to his grandfather with a look of anger on his face.

Grandfather said, "Come, sit, tell me what has happened today."

The child sat and leaned his chin on his Grandfather's knee. Looking up into the wrinkled, nut brown face and the kind dark eyes; the child's anger turned to quite tears, and he told his story of mean boys taunting him and stealing a new possesion.

Once he finished the tale, the boy's anger returned, and he shouted -  "I hate them, I hate them all!"

The Grandfather, with eyes that have seen too much, lifted his grandson's face so his eyes looked into the boys. Grandfather said, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

"But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me, one is white and one is black. The White Wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. But will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

"But, the Black Wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.

"Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy, looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes, and asked, "Which one wins Grandfather?"

The Grandfather, smiled and said, "The one I feed."

 

---

 

Please. For the sake of yourself, your family, your children, our world, your life - please, stop feeding the wrong fucking wolf. K? Thnx!

 

---

12:24

Moodswings, how I hate you.

I'm too sensitive - I want to scream, cuss and cry over what is going on at CPP. How can so called grown women be SO FUCKING BITCHY and immature??? JESUS! Step outside of yourself and think about whether what you are doing is for the good of the whole, and not just a clitstroke to your own sense of righteous fucking satisfaction.

Seriously, is it really that hard to be fucking generous? Even if not with your talent, then with your time? GotfuckingDAMN.

And I'm moodswinging like a mad monkey, which means that my period should be showing up in a week or two, for fucks sake. Or at least I hope so, considering this was a totally annovulatory cycle, and dammit I don't WANT to go to a doctor.

And it's only been four months, and I'm ALREADY tired of trying to get pregnant. Fuck it all, it should be so damn easy. I think I want to get some reiki to be sure that my meridians are flowing and shit. I so wanted this to be EASY. But nooooo, of course not, I have to work for this just like for everything else.

I did I mention that I am SO fucking over work. I can't stand these people, I can't stand this place, I don't like what I'm doing, and I think I'm going to actively start looking for another team to move to. I'm sick of the petty shit, tattling, and general assholishness that goes on here, and yeah, I might have to deal with the same shit different day on a new team, but at least the shit would be NEW.

*stabs the world*

And I need a fucking cigarette which means I've gotten myself hooked AFUCKINGGAIN and which also means after I go through this last pack I HAVE to stop buying them for at least a month - period.

Fuckitall.

12:39

Moutains and Molehills

Okay. So now, I'm going to weigh in.

First, this is the transcript.

Media Matters for America, a liberal Web-based, not-for-profit, 501(c)(3) research and information center, has posted the transcript of the offensive Don Imus exchange with Sid Rosenberg, a sportscaster, Bernard McGuirk, executive producer, and co-host Charles McCord.

Here's the exchange:

Imus: So, I watched the basketball game last night between - a little bit of Rutgers and Tennessee, the women's final.

Rosenberg: Yeah, Tennessee won last night - seventh championship for [Tennessee coach] Pat Summitt, I-Man. They beat Rutgers by 13 points.

Imus: That's some rough girls from Rutgers. Man, they got tattoos and -
McGuirk: Some hard-core hos.

Imus: That's some nappy-headed hos there. I'm gonna tell you that now, man, that's some - woo. And the girls from Tennessee, they all look cute, you know, so, like - kinda like - I don't know.

McGuirk: A Spike Lee thing.

Imus: Yeah.

McGuirk: The Jigaboos vs. the Wannabes - that movie that he had.

Imus: Yeah, it was a tough -

McCord: "Do The Right Thing."

McGuirk: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Imus: I don't know if I'd have wanted to beat Rutgers or not, but they did, right?

Rosenberg: It was a tough watch. The more I look at Rutgers, they look exactly like the Toronto Raptors.

My thoughts? You notice - the PRODUCER called them ho's first - and I haven't heard a PEEP of indignation about him, or suggestions that HE lose his job.

Imus added the 'nappy-headed' comment, which supports my point that the whole bruahah had little to do with him calling them Ho's, but mostly to do with him calling them Nappy-headed. Which, to me, is really the saddest thing. All black people are born with nappy hair - no matter what they might do to it AFTERWARDS, it grows nappy. And the level of racial SHAME that black people STILL have over their damn HAIR, is so high - that they have managed to get a man fired for daring to speak the shame that should be relaxed into submission.

Has McGuirk been fired? Fined? Rebuked? The producer of the show is the one who is responsible for the content, isn't he?

I think it's a media frenzy, a waste of time, and a waste of effort. If the black leadership and women's leadership gave as much of a damn about some old white man as they do about the groups they are supposed to be supporting, they might actually be able to change some things for REAL, rather than just pushing everything offensive under the rug and onto satillite radio.

All I'm saying is that it's a big blowup over hair, and black shame.

Foolishness and Self Hate

AAAAARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself.

Seriously, ya'll. I mean, damn. Cursed by GOD with nappy hair? Damn, I thought the whole tribe of Ham being cursed bit went out with slavery.

If some of the threads I've seen about natural black hair were written about natural black skin, the horror and shock over someone thinking that God has 'cursed' them with this skin that doesn't take henna and tattoos and for some reason doesn't show a tan as well and burns really slowly would be viewed as it really was - wanting something that YOU CAN'T HAVE. But because it's 'just' hair, it's okay.

*mutters and growls* If people spent as much time learning what their hair likes, what it can do and what it can't do as they did whinging about it not being like somebody ELSES hair, you might have hair you loved more.

Cursed? Just tooooo through. Cursed by GOD none the less - right after he gave Eve painful childbirth, he gave black folx nappy hair.

*shakes head*

Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself. Love your hair as you love yourself.

See?? When I'm not constantly toying with my hair, I'm quuuuiet. I've been hanging out on a crunchy mama board, and that's been loads of fun.

My SHT FINALLLY got her box - I was so hoping that it would show up EVENTUALLY - there was no WAY I was going to be able to refind the stuff I had gotten for her, and I felt horrid that she might think I hadn't ever sent the box - but yay! She got it - and I think she likes everything!

Hair!

Still doing LR twice a week - no change there. I changed up my moisturizing spray last night, as my hair was feeling unusually dry - instead of spraying with plan water, then GJ, I mixed the last of my sample sized bottle of Humectress with plain water, and sprayed my hair with that, THEN sprayed the GJ on top of it - shower cap, scarf - and then, since my head was cool, I put a wool hat on top - *delighted sigh* It was like a head sauna - I'm SERIOUSLY going to do that everytime from now on.... I need to get another hat that's just for my hair, as I think that I might start rocking a hat on top of my hair tonics all the time - it will keep my head warmer, and moister, and I KNOW my hair grows faster in the summer in the south - and I really do think it's all that lovely humidity - so, yeah. Hmmm. I wish I had thought of this earlier yesterday - the thrift store was having a 50% off sale... or.... oooh! I could knit myself a hat! How much would that rock? *sigh* I've got loads of yarn, and I've got needles - all I need is to find a nice pattern....

I was busier than a cat with three tails in a room fulla rocking chairs over the weekend, so I didn't get a chance to 'get into' my hair til Saturday - which meant that as soon as I rinsed the Coconut/Lime/Honey mix out of my head on Sunday, I had to do my hair. I opted to do my hair wet, instead of letting it dry into twists and then do it....and I don't think I'll be doing that again. It wasn't that is ws HARDER - it's just that my hair has been VERY fuzzy all week, and random 'bunches' of hair missed getting into the twists, because they were still all shrunk up against my head. True, it was much easier to comb and part, but - sheesh! The fuzz man, the fuzz!

I was telling a friend of mine how unreasonably guilty I feel sometimes over the fact that I tend to kick it more with non-black folx than I do with black folx - and the comment was spurred by the whole hair board thing. I - I have a really hard time going to NP anymore - largely because I'm SOOO over the 'hair as an expression of my blackness' bit. I really don't CARE if I don't get holla'd at because I have natural hair. I could give a fat fig leaf about 'calling out' folx who post on OTHER boards about how 'ugly' some stars natural hair is. I really don't CARE about your best freinds cousins half brothers baby mama calling you a nappyheaded ho. I KNOW that my wanting longer hair isn't an aspect of me buying into 'eurocentric' beauty standards, and personally, I'm sick and tired of trying to convince women that just cuz your hair doesn't SEEM to get any longer, the ish is still GROWING and YOU are breaking it off. I just don't care about all the socio/eco/intrapolitical bullshit black folx seem to have, encourage, and nourish around HAIR. I DON'T CARE. It's not my thing, it's not my issue, and I don't have the time, energy, or desire to sift through 20 threads on THAT sort of stuff to find the ONE or TWO threads that are actually about HAIR itself rather than other peoples PERCEPTIONS of hair.

I care about growing my hair - making it stronger, LONGER, prettier and healthier. I care about trying new products that assist in those goals. I care about learning new styles, new ways to do my hair, and admiring those who have reached goals I can only hope for. And sadly enough, I'm not getting that from my natural 'sistas', so I kick it with the permed/pressed/natural sistas and the white girls.

Whoa. I didn't know I had that rant in me. Hm.

SOooooo - this weekend! Our mattress is getting delivered, I REALLY need to spackle and prime the kitchen, and I'm going to do a clarifiying treatment. Okay. You know, I'm seriously thinking bout clarifying on Friday night, and henna'ing on Saturday - but I'mma be good, and just clarify this weekend. My hair really does get upset with me when I henna more frequently than needed, so there's no need to rush.

I ordered Hair Souffle from the same lady who makes the LR - and I jsut don't really like it. It smells - chemical, and it's REALLY thick, and it's definitely a creme - so it doesn't melt into my hair. I don't know if I've used it on dry hair (I can't remember) so maybe I will try that - and use less of it, just in case I don't like it cuz I'm over using it. If I still don't like it, it might be going up for a swap....

Argh. Argh. Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhha!

Had a fraJABulous birthday, if I do say so myself. I'm not big on the YUUGGGEE celebrations - a queit night at home, with hubby, and music, and the gifts of the sparkly (matching sapphire and diamond earrings and necklace - LOVELY) , is really all a gal needs. See - I'm acting like an old married lady all READY....

The immeadiate aftermath of the day of Birth - not QUITE so much fun. So, right? I'm the money person in the house - C actually DOES hand over his checks to me, and we like it. Anyhow, being with the whole shared account & online banking & me hopelessly nosy bit, I told C that I would stay out of our account for 10 days - from the 3rd to the 13th, to give him a chance to get (and SUPRISE) me with a gift.
Now. He had mentioned, idly, earlier in the week, that we were scraping the bottom of the barrell, moneywise, and he had transferred some money. I figured his paycheck just hadn't cleared yet, and thought nothing more of it.
Sunday though (the day after me b-day) I was chomping at the bit to go and take a peek at the account.....and we are almost at zero - again. Huh?

So - I start reviewing entries, and I'm reading, and I'm getting upset/excited/puzzled. Cuz see, either C had gone ALL out for my Bday, and only the jewelry had gotten here, or C had lost his everloving mind and went on a shopping spree, or someone was hacking our account. 

"Love - did you get me anything else for my birthday?" 

"No babe....." 

" Darling, have you been paying other peoples phone bills and shopping at buy.com and setting up singles profiles for yourself??"

"Uh - no, babe....why?"

AIUAPIUWS!!!!???ODHU!)&#)*&#(ITOUER*&)W#*ODHEJSH!!!!!!!!!HKJDHF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IUEDIORU! (that would be me, freaking the fuck out over the fact that someone had siphoned 1200.00 out of our account, and it was Sunday, and the next day was a holiday and the BANKS. WERE. CLOSED.)

So, between Saturday Night, and the time I woke up this morning (6:00am, as a certain human entity other than myself decided that he NEEDED to be at work at 6:30) and got back home, and sat down in front of the PC - they had CONTINUED their spending spree, and at this point, were up to SEVENTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. (this is me, pissing myself!) Mind you - the thing is - we almost NEVER have that much money in the account. The only reason we HAD that much is because we just paid off those bills, and C had just gotten paid.

So, I spent the majority of today either online with the bank, on the phone with the bank, or physically IN the freaking bank signing affidavits, repeating my social security number for the UMPTEENTH time, and slowly convincing these people that no matter WHAT their little PC screen said, there was no way in HELL someone used my PIN to make a bill payment to AT&T - I even talked to AT&T and CONFIRMED that they don't need a PIN in order to pay a bill.

The bank guy thinks that there is still MORE stuff waiting to be posted to our account (there are a LOT of entries for 1.00 - which means that the ACTUAL cost of whatever the bleepbleepingtyblip they brought hasn't come through yet) but, as my card is now 'Hot' (and cut into wee pieces) they should catch it before it runs through the little bit of money left in our account, and starts causing bouncing and overdrafts and other horrors that I would rather not consider. 

The REALLY creepy part? I still have my card. I didn't LOSE my card. I didn't LEAVE my card someplace (I'm fucking anal about that damn card.) I rarely use it online. So. What is REALLY freaking me out is that - some business - some LOCAL business - that I patronize, and give my money too, STOLE A COPY OF MY DEBIT CARD. And the REALLY messed up part is - I'm almost certain I know WHAT store - as they would have had a chance to not only get a copy of my credit card, they ALSO would have my home address (for delivery) which is my billing address. That - that is the part that REALLY pisses me off. And it was funny, because this store - I made a large purchase - a piece of furniture. And while I was there - paying - I saw a woman come up and buy a roughly 700 dollar set - with cash. And I though - Hmm.. I wonder what would make me pay cash for something that big - I wouldn't want to carry THAT much cash on me, ya know? I always said that it was running more of a risk to give your credit card to your waitress than it was to steal a number online - humph. I guess I was right. 

And I'm still - steaming. Hot. HOT. I know I'm not liable for any of it - but STILL. I'm crazy bout mah money. I swear - if I knew - for sure - it would be ON.       

So! I remembered what the other thing was that I wanted to type about - trimming.

Usually, when I twist up my hair, I can tell that it needs to be trimmed because the ends will be really thin, or they won't 'spiral' all of the way. This time though, when I twisted my hair - it was well - it didn't LOOK like it needed a trim. In fact, the ends were actually in purty darn good condition. I remember the day that I look at my hair and groaned that it needed a trim, it was fresh out of flat twists, and I'm wondering if the shrinkage factor just made my ends look to' up from the flo' up. I'm hoping that what it was - not that I mind trimming - it's just nice to see that keeping my hair in a truly protective style is good for it.

Oh yeah, let me pause for a second here and go into a brief rant about my people, my people.
I SWEAR - if I hear one MORE black woman get all defeatist and STATE that her hair won't grow I'mma - I'mma SCREAM. *sigh* It seems like such a simple thing to understand - let's say your hair only grows to neck length, right? And lets say you dye your hair. NOW. If your terminal length is TRULY neck length - you won't HAVE to 'grow' the dye out - the hairs will just shed, and be replaced by new, undyed hairs.....so you won't see the slow, creeping roots, and you won't see the dye slowly vanishing. Same thing with a perm - if necklength is your TERMINAL length, you won't get an even distribution of NG - hairs will just grow nappy. Now. NOW. If NEITHER of these things happen (ie, you GROW OUT) the dye - then guess what? Your. Hair. IS. STILL. GROWING!!!!!!!!!!

Now. The fact that you can't RETAIN length is something ENTIRELY different - and it's something that can be corrected by using the right products, techniques, and styles.
And please, just because YOU can't take care of your hair (or choose to NOT take care of your hair) in a way that RETAINS every scrap of growth, don't tell otha sistas that they are 'obsessed' for trying to grow their hair or that a goal of barely 20 inches is 'unrealistic'. Just say that YOU aren't willing to learn how - and work towards growing your hair out.
Back AWAY from the haterade.
Damn.

*deep breath* Okay - with THAT rant out of the way - I still want to trim my hair with the moon, but now, I'm not sure how MUCH to trim. I still have the ulta short section on the left side (which is definitely growing out - but ALL of the dyed hair has broken off in certain areas *strokestrokelovelove*), but I'm not trying to even all my hair up right now - it's going to have a be a GOOD bit longer before I start doing chops like that - and heaven knows, as much as I would like to, doing a 'dusting' well - um, no. Not on these curls.... though, if I twisted em up, I might be able to pull that off. Well, I've got almost 5 weeks to figure it out, so we shall see.

Yesterday's twistout rapidly downgraded itself to a hot mess - the combo of sweating my arse off in the gym and then going home and 'playing' in it for an hour or two - well, no. I hopped in the shower before I went to bed, got it soaking wet, and slapped in some White Rain. Showercapped up, and went to bed. Got up a wee bit early this morning, combed it out (and the love affair with the horn comb CONTINUES - seriously - all of my combs are in the cupboard except for the horn one (which I keep wanting to call a bone comb) and I'm thinking about attaching a leather strap or something to it so that I can hang it - right now, it's in my conditioner mixing cup) and parted it to put into my flat twists. I used a wee bit of the Humectress as a leave in, and *pats head* my hair - despite being totally dry - is still 'slightly damp soft'. I'm liking it - and I used the TINIEST bit - so that's cool to know that it's nice as a leave-in.

*happy dance* As I'm typing this, I have a new PM - and I just KNOW it's about the Oyin trade (score!!) that EbonyGurl000 and I am plotting on - I can get some of the tempting, tempting, tempting henna out of the house, and finally bust into my cocoa butter, AND swap out the NTM that I know I won't use because it's fulla cones - and I get OYIN! Whipped Pudding and the Burnt Sugar Pomade (which I have been ITCHING to try since I read about it, but I'm trying to control my purchases....) *happy dance*

Ummmm...... I think that's it.

Have a good weekend (like I won't be writing sumthin else tomorrow!)

So.... went to the Coven Meeting (by the way, her craft name is Hecate - which to me, is a pretty ballsy name to take on - in my mind, that's along the lines of having the craft name Kali.........) 

*sighs* 
The good: Interesting meeting, two great women there, had a wonderful, wonderfully wandering conversation - I introduced them to the concept of chop wood/carry water pagans (thanks madrun !!!) and bascially bounced all sorts of things around. It was a GREAT conversation - definitely made at least one new friend.

The unexpected: The other two women there - were black! *jaw drops* Not only were they black, they also know of several OTHER black Kemetics (I suspect they are of the nationalistic variety, but beggars no choosers) - and as we hit it off WONDERFULLY - I might have found the link to another paganistic community in Memphis. 


The bad: *siiiiiiggghhh* I plan on going to another meeting (and those intentions get weaker and weaker every day)  - but - in and of itself - I doubt that I'm going to be participating, and I feel rather - badly about it, simply because Samantha (I can't call her by her craft name - it just doesn't FEEL right) seemed so - *thinks* despondent? sad? abandoned? lonely?
Firstly, of course, there was the whole 'coven meeting in a BOOKSTORE' thing. Then, there was the fact that despite she knew that the people coming would all be new (three people showed up, me, and the abovementioned two black women) she didn't have anything  - at all - to say. Then, there was the fact that out of a group of about 25 people (at least that's how many people are in her online group) - NONE of them but her showed up.  And if us newbies hadn't been there - she would have been sitting in the bookstore all by herself. 
It was like - it wasn't a meeting, it was a - a - I don't know - a chance to sit in the bookstore? If we (the three newbies) didn't get along (and provide 90% of the conversation), the four of us would have been sitting around the table in silence.  She talked twice - once about her cats, and once about how after she brought 200 dollars worth of food for a coven meeting, no one showed up. *erm?*  Is that really the sort of face you want to put on your group? Sheeee.......
And then, of course, there was Samantha herself.  I tend to judge a group (rightly or wrongly) by the leader - especially small, intimate groups like this one. She was......................I don't know quite how to describe it. Weak, isn't quite the right word. Ah! She had a very small personality.  Not small as in petty or mean, but small, as in mouselike and withdrawn.  Now, I know that not everyone is the bubbly outgoing type - but - at a meeting - for three new women who indicated some interest in your group - wouldn't you have SOMETHING to say about the group? About how it works? About what ya'll do? About - anything???  
And we - all three of us, at one point or another - asked her if she wanted to, ya know, kick the meeting off - and each time, we just got a little shrug, and a 'It's fine'.  *raised eyebrow*  




Overall, I'm glad I went.  I met some great people, I actually displayed the intestinal fortitude to be in a BOOKstore and not even browse (largely because I knew that if I browsed, I would end up buying. And it was a full price bookstore - and I haven't spent full price on books in.......well, it's been a LONG time).  
But, I definitely haven't found - at least not in the The Sisters of the Triple Goddess coven (wow, just realized the name - I wonder if that's why she picked Hecate? Tsk - if I go next Wednesday, I'll be sure to ask her) the group that I want to jump into and work with.  

Doors and windows, doors and windows. 

Humph

So, right?

Haven't felt much like writing here - I cheat on OD regularily over on LJ for spiritual and weightloss stuff, so I've been writing, just not HERE. I suppose here, this is more of a general journal of my day to day stuff, and day to day has been kinda - dull.

Well, okay - that's not quite true - I (we) actually had a fun weekend - one of C's coworkers from the old job invited us out to see another friend of theirs play at a little college club/hole in the wall type of place. It was fun - met some cool people, spent WAYYY too much freaking money, had the best damn cheesesteak I've ever wrapped my lips around (take THAT, Geno's!!). 

Umm - on the hone front, unfiberglassed the window in the living room (don't ask) and the temperature in the whole house has dropped an EASY 10-12 degrees just from having that flowthrough. Now, even on the HOT HAWT days, it tops off around 75 in the house - which is wonderful. Attacked some of the wallpaper in the library - *pulls hair* oh my GOD - painful, painful, nitpicky process it is. Can't I just sandblast the walls?

Garden is doing well - I need to stake the tomatoes tonight, and I've given C permission to go all airgun on the ass of any rabbit that we see. *glares* Damn wabbits. The strawberries did poorly (poor bubbies!!) so we DEFINITELY won't have a crop this year (I don't think they are ever bearers) but we should have a nice crop next year.

My hair is - well. *sighs* It's - it's an interesting mass of stuff. It's funny, I realize that I have no CLUE as to what to - DO with it. I love it, love it, love it, and if I didn't work for corporate america, I'd most likely be freeform locking it (possibily the messiest hairstyle EVER) but as it is, I'm trying to keep it neat and soft and purty without becoming a product junkie. Humph. I would cut it all off and start from the beginning if it wasn't for the fact that C would have a kitten, and the fact that I ADORE my color. Love it, love it, love it. Not loving the roots quite so much, but - *ppphhfft* love the color!

I'm still feeling rather frustrated, but with a different focus. *sigh* two more years, that's all - just two more years. Hey!! It's almost July, which will make that like - actual truth! Hmm.... I think I will be working on the library every night this week, so that we can actually PAINT over the long weekend. *sqqqqqqquuuuueeeee!!!* I miss my books, really, really, like REALLY I do. Hmmm. Still need bookcases though.

Went to a corporate meeting this morning - two hours worth of rehearsed platitudes and trite words. Blech. I actually took notes on all of the different ways they talked about firing people - or layoffs - or letting people go - or reducing overhead burders - or S&A (something & assests) reduction - or workforce 'planning'  - or 'tightening the belt to become a smaller company' ... or whatever the hell else. Humph. And considering the whole thing was about how to restructure IT to make us 'more effective' without paying us more, or hiring more people, (or basically, doing shitelse other than having us work harder) - it was really a delightful slap in the face for the last words to be 'But those (indicating the portfolio managers who carp about how IP is becoming more effecient (by firing and closing mills left and right)) are the REALLY important people'.
Humph. A company can become rich WITHOUT being publicly offered.  Really, the most important PEOPLE are the customers, only narrowly leading the employees. Because ya know, if you don't have customers, you're GOING to lose money, and if you don't have employees, you're going to lose money. The only people who think that the 'Street' is the most important thing are those working for their options rather than for a paycheck. I swear, everytime I go to one of these (mandatory) meetings, I just feel all warm and shitted on afterwards. And the fact that one of the 'leaders' on the podium was crowing about hoping that stock reaches 61 so that he can retire and buy that 30ft yacht he's always wanted and spend all his time in the Gulf of Mexico made all us working slobs who are hoping they can afford to send their kids to college feel REALLL warm and full of company pride.
But at the same time, I can't whinge TOO much, as we are constantly assured that OUR group/team/project is different. I just need us to stay different for two more years, then I'll return the warm and shitted upon feeling.

Umph. I need some coffee.

And Furthermore......[

Hmmm... let's see, what's shaking in me life?

The movers are coming Thursday, as is the cable guy (gotta get the internet, ya know!), and hoepfully (if the bastids from Sears ever CALL me) so will the fridge, but I'm thinking we might have to go a couple of days fridge free. Luckily, we have two HUGE ice coolers, and a pratically bare fridge, so that should work out well. I'm going to do a DITL on Thursday, even though the 'official' DITL day was yesterday. Pffht. *laughs*

Um, what else?

I've realized something over the last few - weeks, I suppose. I'm sure ya'll have seen the prose bit about waiting for X to happen before you do Y? I've realized, that without even being aware of it, I've been waiting to get a house before I do a lot of things that I want to do. Now, okay, honestly, 80% of those things REQUIRE a house, but - still. I'd like to think of myself as more proactive than that.

The illegal immigration thing - amuses me, to put it frankly - peoples reactions to it, more so than the actual situation. Illegal immigrants are the latest wave of slave labor, people who are willing to work grueling conditions, 12 hour days, for chump change. Yes, I am fully aware they are a burden on the social services, but - at the same time, they are saving us money every time we go to the grocery store, the nursery, a hotel, the casinos, and hundreds of other places that have 'dead-end', menial, nasty jobs that most Americans look down on. 
They own one car for 8 people, and they live stacked in 2 bedroom apartments with three families - not becuase they WANT to, but because the wages they are paid are FAR below living wages. If the corporations were forced to actually pay a LIVING wage (cuz minimum wage can't keep anyone over the age of 18 above the poverty line) Americans would be more willing to take those nasty, brutish, backbreaking jobs, and the illegal immigrants wouldn't come here anymore because they wouldn't have work. Of course, forcing the corporations to pay living wages also means that their bottom line increases, and you KNOW they are going to pass those increases on to us, the customer, and then we are all screwed.
What's the cure? I don't know..... but I don't think there really IS a problem. Personally, I think this whole issue 'popped' up to distract the country from the fact that Iran is eying Israel, the US is killing hundreds of civilians and tens of soliders weekly in Iraq, Peak Oil is approaching, and this hurricane season is going to be ungodly.
But really - what does all that matter? We've got to get rid of those poor brown folx who do the work we are too good to do.

The Boy and I are having constant conversations about what we want to do with the house, what to buy, what colors to paint, all sorts of wonderful stuff. We only own one TV now, and he's somehow talked me into potentially having three - which really, drives me batty. *sighs* I - like TV, but I despise it at the same time, and having multiple TV's - it just - doesn't feel right. But the Boy has no issue with it, so - bleh, not going to fight that battle.
I want to invest in a couple of white boards so that we can kee track of all the brilliant ideas we have and be able to easily prioritze them. Our goal is to get as much as possbile for free or for cheap, and then paint/sand/stain/decorate the stuff to fit into our house. Outlets and Freecycle, here I come!

Edited: Ah - stuff from the previous entry. Nope, didn't go to the house, haven't cleaned, I'm going to force C to help me do that this weekend after we move and before we unpack. Yayy!! Fat boy (or Kunta Cat'e as we have started calling him) returned *thinks* Saturday night, I think it was, and is THROUGHLY pissed that we won't let him outside anymore - I think tBH is worth it, and I think he'll think so to.

Slow Furious Boil *edited*

That son of a BITCH!

Okay - I just got out of my yearly review. And - oh, my GOD - I've never gotten a review this bad in my LIFE.  I think I may have mentioned that I was off work for the last 6 weeks of last year after Thanksgiving due to my tumble down the stairs - and I'm wondering how much that impacts this review.

Now - My boss - the one who wrote this - left on Maternity leave in mid October. I had been working her since March, and we had regular one-on-ones. I was ALWAYS told that I was doing well - working well within the team - learning quickly - meeting all of my goals. In the very begininning I was told that I had screwed something up - almost a MONTH after it had happened - and I immeadiately said that if I screw up, I want to be told THAT instant - at the very latest the next day. She agreed to that - and as I NEVER heard anything negative about my work AFTER that point, I assumed that I was doing allright.

This - THIS shit is what was written as the FINAL comments on my review:

Comment on any significant results or shortfalls not mentioned by the individual and the contributing factors.
K. did not exhibit the drive required for her position. Her lack of attention to detail, primarily in the area of integration model builds and documentation put several project tasks at risk.

Based on input from the employee, peers, customers and your own observations, summarize overall performance and the trend of performance, including the employee's demonstrated ability to grow with the job. Comment on how results were accomplished and compentencies (managerial/leadership and/or technical) impacted performance.
Overall, K's performance did not meet expectations/commitment. She left many loose ends and errors in her work, leaving others to find and correct. Her communication, listening and team interaction skills need improvement. She will have to work very hard to gain back the trust of project team members for her to once again take on critical tasks.

Supervisor's Manager Comments
K. must focus on improving performance and will need to work with the team manager closely in 2006 to measure and monitor progess.

Rating:
Results did not meet commitment.

 

---

 

I'm so FUCKING furious I'm sitting here holding backs tears. I KNOW exactly where this SHIT came from, and it's the SAME fucking coworker I was talking about yesterday who doesn't like me. I'm - I'm - I don't know who the FUCK that employee is that they are talking about, but it ISN'T me. I've NEVER, in all of my fucking LIFE gotten a review even CLOSE to that. That - that - *gibbers with rage*

I NEVER heard anything even remotley close to this. I NEVER heard that I was doing BADLY, and I CERTAINLY was never told about mistakes that my COWORKERS had to correct. I wasn't even told when I put PROEJCT TASKS at risk due to my 'screwing up' And THIS is the shit that she wraps up my fucking REVIEW with?

And of course - SHE isn't here anymore to explain what the FUCK I did to deserve this. The only thing I can even THINK of was how fast I left during my medical leave - but shit, I didn't know I was going to be out for 6 weeks!!! I didn't have CHANCE to wrap upo loose ends and shit, and if my whole fucking rating was based on NOT being here for the last few weeks of the year - oh my FUCKING god!!!!  

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING MAD.

*cries*

Oh my GOD.

These motherfuckers can kiss my ass. I'm going to lunch.

 

---

 

Edited: Oh yessssss - I can comment on it. And trust me, I'm GOING to HR to see if they have a copy of the one on ones that we had. And trust me, I WILL be commenting. I had to vent all this out so that I CAN write my comments free of cussing and narroweyed rage.

Luckily enough - one small silver lining in this whole pile of bullshit - is that my current boss was my interim boss while the one who wrote THAT shit was on Maternity Leave - and HE says that he's never seen any IMPLICATIONS that my work was along those lines, and in his mind, once this is signed and filed, it's done, over with, and we will work together as if it never happened.

I'm still fucking furious. I talked to C over lunch, and he's wondering if it's prejudice - you know how us Nigras like to play when the boss is away. *enraged glare* I swear, if my previous boss still lived in the area I would CALL her - I still have her cellphone number - and see exactly WHERE that shit came from.

*rage*

 Let me go and call HR.

Cupid can kiss my.........

Let's just start this off by saying three things.

1) I'm hopelessly curious.
2) I like knowing as close to the truth as I can about common things
3) I think Valentines Day is the unholy capitalistic child of DeBeers, Russell Stover, and Hallmark.

 

Saint Valentine (or Saint Valentinus) refers to one of at least three martyred saints of ancient Rome. The feast of Saint Valentine was formerly celebrated on February 14 by the Roman Catholic Church until the revised calendar 1969.

The feast of St. Valentine was first decreed in 496 by Pope Gelasius I, who included Valentine— and Saint George— among those "...whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God." The creation of the feast for such dimly conceived figures may have been an attempt to supersede the pagan holiday of Lupercalia that was still being celebrated in 5th century Rome, on February 15.

 

The Lupercalia was an annual Roman festival held on February 15 to honour Faunus, god of fertility and forests. Justin Martyr identified Faunus as Lupercus, 'the one who wards off the wolf', but his identification is not supported by any earlier classical sources. The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine (one of the seven Roman hills), to expiate and purify new life in the Spring. This festival's origins are older than the founding of Rome.

The religious ceremonies were directed by the Luperci, the "brothers of the wolf", priests of Faunus, dressed only in a goatskin. During Lupercalia, a dog and two male goats were sacrificed. Two patrician youths were anointed with the blood, which was wiped off with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh. The Luperci afterwards dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus, and ran round the Palatine Hill with straps, cut from the skins, in their hands. These were called Februa. Girls would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. (Ohhh, kinky!!)  This was supposed to ensure fertility.

 

As Gelasius implied, nothing is known about the lives of any of these martyrs, however. Many of the current legends surrounding them were invented in the late Middle Ages in France and England, when the feast day of February 14 became associated with romantic love. No such sentiment appears in the Golden Legend of Jacobus de Voragine, compiled about 1260 and one of the most-read books of the High Middle Ages. The Legenda Aurea gives sufficient details of the saints and for each day of the liturgical year to inspire a homily on the occasion. The very brief vita of St Valentine, has him refusing to deny Christ before the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 280. Before his head was struck off, this Valentine restored sight and hearing to the daughter of his jailer. Jacobus makes a play with the etymology of "Valentine," "as containing valour", but there is nothing of hearts and last notes signed "from your Valentine," as is sometimes suggested in modern works of sentimental piety.
The historical 2nd-century bishop Valentinus (died ca 153) is not venerated on any day of the Roman Catholic calendar, for his teachings were declared heretical and his works suppressed. Valentinus or Valentinius was the best known and for a time the most successful Christian Gnostic theologian, and a charismatic though divisive figure. Bands of his followers could still be found in the 5th century, when a more acceptable Valentinus was recollected and canonized.

 

*laughs* Interesting. Yet another pagan holiday that was 'overwritten' by the Roman Catholic Church and has now been warped into something neither the pagans nor the church fathers would recognize. Maybe it's a logical progression. First the Pagans, then the Catholics, then the Corporations. It happened with Christmas - I'm so not going to get into how amusingly pagan THAT holiday is. The Corporations haven't fully taken over Easter - another giggle worthy previously Pagan celebration - yet, most likely because they haven't figured out how to really PUMP the kids marketing tactics, but give em time - look at how many centuries it took for Valentines Day to really get going.....

Actually.....

I think that I am just getting more and more frustrated with people in general on a daily basis. I've noticed myself using 'HUMANS!' as an expletive more and more lately.  It honestly feels like there is a huge gaping chasm between my thought process and the thought processes of 95% of the people around me. For example - a few days ago a coworker and I somehow got on the subject of  her sons' (16 or so) schoolwork. She was 'complaining' about how hard his work books were (he goes to a Christian school that uses homeschooling books as take home workborks) because they - horrors of horrors - expected you to READ three paragraphs, UNDERSTAND them, and then answer a fill in the blanks question - and it WASN'T in the form of a sentence that could be found in the preceeding paragraphs - you actually had to understand the concept that the chapter is teaching in order to get the question right. *gasp!* *horror*

And - I just sat there and looked at her, thinking - you mean, you're complaining because the school and  workbook actually wants your son to LEARN something, and NOT just regurgitate a sentence that he just read??? And - how - I mean - how do you even talk about something like that - when - obviously - I mean - she doesn't even see it like that? *shakes head* baffling.

Did I ever mention the Pagan Pride Festival I went to? I can't remember if I did or not - it was - okay. *thinks* It feels so - horridly elitist - to say that they mostly weren't my kind of folks...I mean - oh hell, I don't know. I want to make friends so damn badly, but - I - *sigh* I don't know. I'm becoming more and more grounded and stable and happy with MYSELF as a person - and anytime I feel like I shouldn't be/can't be fully who I am - it makes me uncomfy. And - if someone - even on first meeting - seems to have - difficulties there - gah - I'm not interested. And even more so - if - gah! I feel so snobby but - I'm not! I've got no problem interacting with people, talking to them, no matter what kind of foolishness they may be spouting - it's just that once I walk away, I file it under an interesting human to human interaction, and I move along. It really *laugh* takes a special person for me to really be interested in making them into a friend.

That's one of the reasons I love OD so much. It's allowed me to meet people who - think - like I do. The dirty little thoughts and concepts and grime that make us - interesting and not pap filled consumers.

But really, I was talking about the Pagan Pride Festival because they were giving a 'psychic ability' test. Pretty simple tests - one for clarvoyance and another for telepathy. For clarvoyance, you had to 'see' the card before she turned it over. For telepathy she looked at the card, then tried to 'send' me an image. Clarvoyance, I got 5 out of 25 right. Telepathy, I got 20 out of 25 right. *grins* creepy, right? As much as I would LOVE to have some sort of ESP - I think it's just caused by years and years of being a wallflower. *laugh* When you are leaning on the walls, watching others interact - you - learn powers of observation. Even now, I LOVE watching people interact with each other - the facial expressions, the body language, the shifting eyes, the tapping feet - it's really - amazing how much we communicate without words.

Which, almost makes it more odd that I have made more CLOSE friends online than I ever have in the real world - and for all of the people I've met online and thought that I would be able to get along with - we have clicked AMAZINGLY in real life. It's been a serisouly winning streak - and I don't know why. are we more honest with ourselves and each other online because we can't see the telltales that indicate approval or disapproval of who we are? Or does the eletronic connection allow us a sense of 'distance' and a facade that allows us to totally let down our hair under it?

I'm not going anywhere with this - in fact, I don't even know where I was trying to go. I'm just writing at this point. It's amazing how leaving this place for a month almost guarantees that I'll be writing like a mad woman once I get back.

a.r.g.h.

Ya know....there are things that you can do something about, and there are things that you can't do anything about, and heaven knows that the difference between the two is sometimes so glaringly obvious that I cringe at just how MUCH I want to meddle - knowing quite well that I have a) no damn place to meddle and b) not enough information to meddle.
So instead, I bite my tongue, and come here to vent/kevtch/mutter grimly about the horrid state of care for mothers to be.
My boss is pregnant - well, she will be until around 2:45pm this afternoon. Her due date is the 31st. They are scheduling her for a c-section - for 'low' amniotic fluid (which consider how small she's been through her whole pregnancy, I suspect has been the case all along, and I'd LOVE to know what her numbers are) and because the baby is breech. TWO WEEKS EARLY????? Ummm - and she's a first time mom??? Shesssshhhhhhh people! *thumps head on desk* *bangs head a little harder* *cries in pure frustration* And mind you - she's tired, yeah - but she wasn't anywhere near the 'Oh sweet jesus get this kid OUT of me stage'. 

So see - not a damn thing I can do. Not even a damn thing I can say at this point. I just bite my tongue, and curse the fact that another woman is having a c-section despite the lack of any serious risk to babe. and TWO WEEKS EARLY!!! Holy shit! If she was due - hell, post dates, I might - MIGHT - understand. But two weeks EARLY? *sigh*

Jaysus. Jaysus! Dammit!

It's not my birth, and I know damn well that it's not my birth, but - it's - *sigh* don't know the whole story. Give the doc the benefit of the doubt. *snork*

Breathe.
Curse.
Breathe.

Ah, well. *shrugs*

I'm seriously going to cry if the babe has to go to the NICU for underdeveloped lungs. And her family tends to go post dates? *shakes head*

*sigh*

and another thing that I've noticed that is REALLLLY starting to creep me out - a LOT of YOUNG women taking clomid/going through infertility treatments - or at least on OD. I can understand it if you are 30ish - okay, yeah, infertility treatments - okay. But 21? 23? Damn - isn't that supposed to be like peak babymaking times in a womans life? And is it horrid of me to wonder if these TTC diares of these super young woman are actually real? esp considering when they write about stuff and can't even spell the words right? Or when they are asking noters to tell them when to start taking the hormones instead of their doctor? Eh.

*sniffs* what's that I smell?

Something has just become crystal clear for me - corporations, no matter how 'soft & fuzzy' they might claim to be, really don't give a flying fuck about the vast majority of their employees. Everything started going downhill at the start of the industrial age, once some bright accountants realized that machines could do the work of a man faster, harder, quieter, and with less nasty interference like strikes and safe work enviroment demands, and time off. Since then human labor has been the most costly, as well as the most easily dispensible aspect of a company.
Today, they tried to make me feel valued, involved, connected - like I am really part of the team. Bullshit. I'm a wageslave. The interests of the stakeholders (and I don't care how much stock they've 'given' you - if you are a peon, you AREN'T one of the stakeholders they give a damn about) start demanding more profit, more production, more efficiency, a tighter bottom line, more, more, more - guess who are going to be the first ones led to the chopping block? I can assure you that the CEO's salary/tax breaks/employment 'perks'  won't be touched - oh my, no. They might not actually come right out and FIRE the peons, oh no. They'll 'divest' certain areas of their business (which sounds so much better than laying off 2100 people). They'll turn into a more 'global' company (which sounds so much better than saying 'we're sending the jobs of those people we just laid off to Thailand'). We'll have to 'tighten' our belts, and 'sacrifice' for the benefit of the company. We might get tossed a few scraps, a couple of shares, to make a feel more - connected. But - we'll also have to spend more on our healthcare. Our insurance plans will have more exclusions, and a higher deductible. The raises will get smaller. The free coffee, isn't free anymore. The lunches in the company cafeteria will get more expensive.
Little piddly shit, right? That's only because I'm speaking from an IT perspective, which, I paid for, am still paying for, and really hope that I can keep my job long enough to actually pay off. Those unmentioned employees in those sites that are being 'divested'? Screwed. Those people whose jobs are moving overseas as we become a more global company? Screwed.
Of course, it's completely understandable. It's the real world of capitalism - those who have get over, and continue to collect, and those who have not get worked hard, wrung dry, and screwed over. I'm not saying that the model is flawed - it is what it is. I'm just no longer deluded into believing that I matter to this company in any way, shape, or form, and if I expect anything of them - right up to next months paycheck - I'm deluded, and while that delusion may not show up next month, it'll eventually be shown out as a delusion at some point. Unless I dump them first, I WILL get dumped right on my deluded ass for the sake of some one who is already richer than I'll ever be getting a little richer.

and a free spirit

Okay....remember the party? The one that was tomorrow night? Well, apparently I had a brain fart of HUGE propotions, and the damn thing is actually TONIGHT. Shite. I have nothing to wear, I have no birthday gift, I have to leave early to pick up Hubby, take him home, wait for him to shower, and come back to the party (if we make it back..... I'm only giving us a 30% chance of actually going back - whether it's because he just doesn't FEEL like it, or if it's because it's a wackass party)....and I have ANOTHER social engagement tomorrow - which means I'm going to have to get up early, drive him to work, do the usual household shit that needs to be done, primp for this event (that I REALLLLLY don't want to go to) go to that, escape, go and pick up Hubby....and finally I'll have Sunday to relax - but then, if we go car shopping, I most likely won't be able to relax totally then either. I'm not complaining - if anything, I'm trying to list out why having ANOTHER car note is a good thing rather than a bad thing.

We still haven't had the conversation about *thinks* whatever night that was when I told him to keep his trap shut - but - it's funny. For someone who is ALWAYS on me about not being communicative enough, he'll sit, and stew, and stew, and stew. I figure by Monday, there will be a full blown case of assholitis in our household. Why haven't I opened the topic? Okay - I've been reading The Ethical Slut (I HEART that book) and one of the main tenets is that you have to own your own emotions - and be able to express how they make you feel in a way that does NOT put the burden of your feelings on the other person. It's - rather freeing actually - coming to terms with the concept that I can be the BEST wife that I can be - but NOT having to take responsibility for how HE feels - only for how I feel. It sounds - selfish written out like that - but it's NOT that I don't care about how he feels - I do, and deeply - but I'm no longer going to do the work of expressing his feelings for him. In turn, I'm OWNING my feelings - when he told me earlier this week that he would 'make me a deal' and bring home fixings for cheesesteaks if I cleaned up the kitchen, I could have gotten angry/upset/disgusted over the concept of him making a DEAL - as if he EVER fucking cleans the kitchen - but instead I just let it slide off my back - and returned to my nap, since I had ALREADY cleaned the kitchen when I got home since the nasty milky water sitting in the sink was attracting flies.

It's nice - refusing to be an adult for him. Like right now, he's awake. I know he is, because his Yahoo! ID is no longer idle. But, when I get home, the house is going to look just how it did when I left - if not worse. He might find the time to lay out his clothes for tonight to make our turnaround time faster, but I doubt he would even think of that. He's most likely looking at big boob porn, and playing his video game, and he'll do that until he HAS to get up and take a shower so that he can go to work. I'm NOT looking for his car - yeah, it's painful to me for him to NOT have a car, but *shrugs* he knows how to get online, he knows how to call people - and it's NOT like he doesn't have the TIME to do it.

Ya know, I'm tired of taking care of both of us. We should be taking care of each other. and oh - don't get me wrong - most of this stuff is minor. It's just stuff that rubs me very much so the wrong way sometimes (especially when I'm hormonal) but - it's also something that I've kinda grown (growing) to accept. *sigh* We're not perfect people, in any way shape or form, and - well - I guess it's the imperfections that keep it interesting.

Right?

Goldiggers, and Lumps of Lead

Talking to this fellow online (completely platonically - ew!) and he's moaning about the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend.

Lets see - 1) You still live with your momma. 2) You have ALWAYS lived with your momma. 3) You don't own a car. 4) You don't have a job. 5) And you're THIRTY TWO freaking years old.

Now - who, exactly, in their right mind would want to date - much less fuck this guy? I mean - he seems REALLY nice. And - nah, financial considerations should be a minor part of mutual interest - but to ME - it seems like.....this fellow has an utter lack of ambition or drive. He's got a college degree (in Electrical Engineering - so he ain't STUPID) and yet, doesn't work. Maybe it's just me - and the fact that I have worked since I was in HIGH SCHOOL. I started out at a library, then took a few years off of work to focus on getting a degree, then worked my last two years of college, then I've been working (ocassionally two, and once THREE jobs at the same time).

I left my mom's house as SOON as I graduatated from high school, and me and my mom have a GREAT relationship - but I wanted to start building my own life. So - I guess it's really hard for me to understand/respect someone who is WILLLING to sit on his ass, let his mother continue to take care of him, and NOT be busting his hump in a global fashion to get a job. And I'm sure - any women he's TRIED to approach (esp. in this city which seems to be rampant with golddiggers and the men who are willing give them money) have damn near laughed in his face. Hm. I wonder if he's a virgin.

But - am I being too hard on him to think that the above - issues - completely kicks him out of the dating pool? Or - is it wrong to think that a 32 year old man, with a degree, should at LEAST have lived on his own for a few months at some point in his life? He said that he tried to get a place in college, but it fell through. But....*shakes head* maybe it just smacks too much of an overly dependant relationship between him & his momma.....and I don't think ANY woman with sense wants a momma's boy of THOSE dimensions.

*shakes head*

Speaking of golddiggers, Hubby set up a profile on YahooPersonals, and he got a response from this one chick almost immeadiately. She said that she was out of the country, settling her late fathers estate (in West Africa - and she's Asian, but looks white/latina) , but she was coming back yesterday....and she wanted him to pick her up at the airport. Hmm...okay - but no. He told her that he had to work, but maybe they could meet up once she got back. We get home last night, and she's written him back - to ask that he WIRE her 500 bucks to pay off her hotel bill, and that maybe when she gets back to the states maybe they could get MARRIED - I told him he should tell her that bigamy is illegal. *ROFLOL*

Ummm......I figure it's a scam of huge proportions, and I wonder how many men she's (he's) sucked in with it. But I mean - damn! Asking someone you've talked to all of TWICE (through email none the less) for 5 big ones? AFTER you've told him that you are settling your fathers estate? And maybe this is a rude/crude sterotype, but being Asian, I'm assuming that she has a rather large extended family. I mean - come on!! How boo-boo the fool does she think he is? *LOL* Most amusing. Seriously.