I'm not the kind to get ANGRY, really. Anger is a - foreign feeling for me, most of the time. Now, I'm not saying that I have never been angry in my life - oh, no, I've been ragingly, blindingly, FURIOUSLY angry - but it's usually because of a totally over the top violation of the interpersonal agreement someone has made with me.
I don't LIKE being angry. It hurts, and it's pointless, and while a good string of cuss words can release a little steam, real anger twirls and twines in my belly and starts to eat ME up.
Frustrated, though? Oh, yes, I think I live most of my life frustrated. That the driver ahead of me isn't moving fast enough. That my coworkers are idiots. That people online are asses. That DH doesn't see dirt. That I still haven't won the lottery.
I think the difference - at least for me - is that frustration prompts ME to change, whereas anger makes you want to force the other to change. And ya know, one of the things I do know is that there ain't shit that I can do to FORCE someone else to change who doesn't want to - as nice as it would be to think that a raging, ranting, cussing streak at someone would make them be less (or more) whatthefuckever - it's totally unrealistic.
And, ya know, I would have thought that MOST people would be aware of that by now - at least the people of an age to be parents, ya know? Esp. the ones who are trying to be non-angry, non-yelling, non-hitting, parents..... I would expect for them to have gone through the transition of anger -> frustration, and to have learned ways to constructively use that energy to encourage change.
But, I see (and have seen, and am very sad to see) that in general, it's not the case. Not sure if it's the 'mob mentality'. Not sure if some people LIKE being angry, LIKE being mean, LIKE being so self-centered that only THEIR way of thinking is acceptable/hearable/worthy, and anything that challenges that is to be stomped upon and put out of it's misery ASAP.
And it makes me sad, it does. It really, really, really does make me sad.
Because - ya know, because of my transition of anger -> frustration, the energy that I would have put into my anger, I can now use to give the benefit of the doubt. Being frustrated/confused is a lot less stressful than being angry, and it clouds the mind much less, and with that extra energy and extra clarity I can think about what's been said/done, and examine things from the others POV, and be able to ask the RIGHT questions to understand if anger is even a valid response to the situation - and suprisingly enough, not only is it RARELY the right answer to a situation, MOST of the fucking time, it makes the situation WORSE.
And to ME - finding out where other people are authentically at is exciting! It's enjoyable. I like understanding people, and understanding where they are truly coming from, and understanding whether they are TRULY assholes, or if they are just misunderstood, or if they are just not as facile with words as I might be.
And from there - still with the energy I've conserved by not flying off the handle - I can decide how I want to use my time and energy further.
There are several places that I frequent, and where I know that certain people are just unconvertable assholes. I've given them a chance, I've put myself in their shoes, I've asked questions, and yup - you're an asshole. And ya know what? I don't rail against them for being an asshole - whats' the point? If they haven't becoe less of an asshole by NOW - ain't no shit I type gonna change that.
Thankfully, I don't live with you, live near you, work with you, nor am I forced to respond to everything (or anything) you say - and in fact, I can step back, and just shake my head at the rampant assholery, send a little sympathy to the people who do HAVE to deal with you, and move on.
Is that SERIOUSLY an act of wisdom, or just plain fucking common sense?
Seriously, ya'll?
I'm SOOOOOO confused. And tired. Anger makes me tired. And 95% of the time, it's SO fucking petty and SO fucking pointless and the main people who are FEEDING the fucking anger are the same ones bitching about the negative energy.
*pulls hair out of head*
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK?
I mean.......................okay. Maybe it's just that anger trumps logic. Maybe people are tired, and stressed, and feel like anger is their only outlet to get out the feelings they are repressing about everything else in their life. Maybe they take things out on the strangers on the other side of the screen because it's 'easy', and it appears to have no effect on the angry person. Maybe it's some hormonally related release of cortisol - a good tearing down of someone else leaves you feeling more relaxed and in control of the life that you actually have. Maybe it's that some people don't know how to express their feelings without being purposefully cruel - though, it's sad if your default setting is 'mean as shit'.
Though, I can't quite understand how the venom that you spew in one area CAN'T affect you, and your life as a whole - I mean, how can you be so cruel in one minute, and then turn around and be loving and kind and generous to your family the next? Isn't that a wee bit psychotic to be able to split your feelings that way? A little Eight Faces of Eve?
Or, maybe, it's that the persona - the words/actions - of people online aren't 'really' them. Maybe most people are reversed from me - where I am the person that I feel is MOST authetically me online, and I put up various facades to people offline - online is safe, for me. Maybe it's because it automatically puts people an arm length away - and from an armlength away, it's much harder to stab me in the back (or in the heart) than it is from right beside me.
I don't know.
All I know is, it gets on my fucking nerves. Sweet Mother of us all, how LONG does it take people to grow UP? And dear god, if this is how the people who DON'T believe in yelling/hitting their kids act towards other adults, I only shudder to think of what the parents who DO believe in yelling and hitting are like - and the kind of vicious, angry people they are raising.
This is why I'm a hermit. Seriously. People are fucking insane - wolves slavering over a feast of dark emotions.
There was a grandfather, his little grandson often came in the evenings to sit at his knee and ask the many questions that children ask.
One day the grandson came to his grandfather with a look of anger on his face.
Grandfather said, "Come, sit, tell me what has happened today."
The child sat and leaned his chin on his Grandfather's knee. Looking up into the wrinkled, nut brown face and the kind dark eyes; the child's anger turned to quite tears, and he told his story of mean boys taunting him and stealing a new possesion.
Once he finished the tale, the boy's anger returned, and he shouted - "I hate them, I hate them all!"
The Grandfather, with eyes that have seen too much, lifted his grandson's face so his eyes looked into the boys. Grandfather said, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.
"But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me, one is white and one is black. The White Wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. But will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
"But, the Black Wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.
"Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."
The boy, looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes, and asked, "Which one wins Grandfather?"
The Grandfather, smiled and said, "The one I feed."
Please. For the sake of yourself, your family, your children, our world, your life - please, stop feeding the wrong fucking wolf. K? Thnx!
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