Tuesday, December 21, 1999

The Darkest of times

Tonight is the longest night of the year. The world is shrouded in total darkness for a time... and then, as with all things in the world...it comes back to life. Celebrate the joy of rebirth, and new life. The start of something new...always means the end/death of something old.


Happy Solstice.


Stay Jazzed.

Tuesday, December 7, 1999

Happy Birthday Jazzy!!

How ironic.... 200 entries and my one year OpenDiary anniversary on the same day....hmmm you might almost think I had planned it that way. *wink wink*
Anyway.. I am celebrating right now.. I just emailed my last final to my professor...and I am FREE until January 12th to do what I please. No more pens no more books no more teachers dirty looks. Now... if I only passed all of my classes everything will be well. Anyhow...

The whole reason I was supposed to be writing has kinda gotten blurred, but that is okay because I was in no state to write about the woman that I was and the women I have become. It is really sad.. but I think that the main changes I have seen in myself are in my heart and my libido. Last year at this time, the last thing that I thought I would be doing next year would be discussing with my girlfriend whether or not we should move in together....*laughs* I mean realllllllyyyy..... so much has changed. I can’t even presume to think about what might be going on NEXT year at his time...especially considering that I would have graduated from college by ten, have a real job leading a to successful career hopefully...and... dear goddess I might not even be in the city anymore.

This time last year I was looking for love, religion, and stability in a life that suddenly seemed totally topsy turvy and screwed over.. now... hmmm I am at a calm point...how long it will last I don’t know... but... at least I can make myself believe that I can foresee the future and see my path moving smoothly towards a certain goal. And even better...and even more amazing for me... I can myself with someone....moving towards that goal. *laughs* I can see myself in a long term relationship...and it feels as natural and as regular as me saying that I am going to be with me for the rest of my life. Mannn.. I wonder if it is her womanhood that makes this so easy.. or is it her tashi-ness that makes this so easy... somehow.. I think that it is both.

Sighs...anyhow.... I just wanted to say a little something for this day.. and for this entry... and remind us all...


Stay Jazzed

Monday, December 6, 1999

Treading water

*deep breaths*
I am working on 6 hours of sleep since Sunday.
I have three finals left to take.
I have a horrendously dirty house.
I have no food.
I will survive.

Stay Jazzed.

Sunday, December 5, 1999

Oh.. the Humanity!

Sometimes… I think that people forget that they are human.

I had to reread that sentence about four times before it started to make any sense to me. Yes….I did write the sentence ..and think of the sentence.. but it still took a while to sink in to my head what I am feeling..what I am trying to say… sometimes…people forget they are HUMAN. The things that we bitterly complain about others not doing…we don’t do ourselves. And I am not talking about the major things.. the life changing ones… I am talking about the little things.. the things that remind us that we are humans… not walking talking thinking animals. *sighs *

I’m talking about saying excuse me when trying to get by… I’m talking about treating someone with respect because they may be somebody’s mother father sister brother..and you would want yours treated the same way. I’m talking about smiling good morning… or wishing people a nice night….I’m talking about holding open a door… smiling at a baby… offering help. *sighs* I don’t know.. I’m tired and stressed and feeling despondent and…. I just don’t know.. I am surrounded by people who are so.. unfeeling so cold so heartless aht you wonder who raised these people… what happened to that attribute of caring and understanding that is captured in the word humanity.

People…show so little humanity to each other on a day to day basis… *sighs* It steps on my spirit and makes me want to cry fort he hopelessness of trying to do anything good in the world when people can’t even remember that we are all human…. That we all need love and shelter and warmth and family and…. Kindness and the little stuff that makes life more than just a day to day run for money and possessions.
I’m tired and sad and *sighs* I think I will go to bed now….

Stay Jazzed .
Stay Human.

Saturday, December 4, 1999

Moaning......

Ever had something that you wanted really bad... and then when you got it you found out that it wasn't really what you wanted at all? Well I found it... totally by accident... and though I feel better.... somehow it isn't what I wanted at all.

Stay Jazzed.

Friday, December 3, 1999

12/3/99

*sighs* I think that I must have picked the utterly WORST period of my life to choose to write daily in...
I am so busy that now I consider writing in that day to mean if I write on the date itself... or the date of the day I woke up in... :) I will be okay...*sighs*
I am scared...scared scared scared. I don't want to write the words down for fear they may be true.. but I am terrified.. pertrifed and utterly afraid of what my be coming in my life. If I was a praying woman I would pray...and even though I am not.. I still am. *sighs* Okay...back to the story....



Where was I?? Oh yes... the inner child/slut/parent. *sighs* I don't really want to talk about that... I don't really want to talk about anything. At least nothing serious...nothing major. I want to talk about something as light and unimportant as a old feather in the rain. BUt everything in my life seems to be weighing me down like...like mud. Think and sucking and... *sighs* I fight with everything taht is in me to stay strong and to pull myself up out of the pit. *sighs* graduation is too too far away...somedays it seems like the only bright spot in my life is Tashi. We are so dainty with each other... trying to feel out each and every thing we want to do before we do it to insure no...upset in the relationship. *sighs* And there I went.. back into something heavy...*blows a kiss up the Mountain* Sleep well my sweet....

Stay Jazzed.

Thursday, December 2, 1999

Starting Over Again....

Inner Child: classically defined as that which keeps you young, more commonly defined as that which makes you immature.

I have a inner child, and a inner parent, and sometimes.., just sometimes...they go to war over who will rule me this day.. this time... this month. For a while... for a long while in the beginning of the year.. I killed both of them and brought out the inner slut. * nods* Looking back now.. I have no problem saying that. For a while.. for a long while it was a kinda hurtful thing.. a kinda outer expression of the utter uncertainty and shame that I was feeling because of my utter total and graceful failing that marked my experience at Tech.
I did stupid things... things that were beyond idiotic, and things that while I do not regret.. I thank all that has control and mercy that I escaped from those experiences unscathed. I did things that I will never talk about.. never share.... except for maybe here .... in a private entry. But this isn't about the sex... it is about the woman that I was and the woman that I have begun...once again...to grow into.

A year ago... I was hunting for a job... preparing myself for the 'real' world that I was about to step into. I was scared stiff, with almost no self-confidence, and a low sense of self worth. I was afraid...and depressed...and in denial of both emotions. Yeah... I was a bit of a wreck waiting to happen. but I pushed on... ignoring everything else but the very singular goal of getting employment... getting a place to live... and getting the hell out of dodge. From what I remember that I was feeling... I was mainly ashamed. I felt like a quitter a loser a.. idiotic little girl who had made herself out to be so much better than everyone else... and who had finally taken her long deserved fall. *shakes head * damn... I was seriously stressed.... not only did I fell like I Had let everyone else in my entire life down... from my high school teachers to my mother...I really had no clue as to who I was.. So much of who I was as a person was wrapped up in my academic achievement.. that when that was lost.. I didn't know where to go or who to become.

And the amazing part is that all of this happened on the inside..only those who were very very very close to me (my momma and mi papi) could even tell that something was wrong. *shrugs * I tended to keep everything inside... because I thought that no one would understand me. *smiles * it is beuatiful to see how far I have come... how much I have changed. Man.... I don't know how to write this.. how to express just how radically the same and yet different I am now. Damn.... how do you wrap up a year of growth in a single entry?? in five entries? in a hundred entries? and I don't want to just gloss over the highlights.. because there really were none... only small snowballs that changed the whole face of me.

*laughs * I can't even start to subsume what I was into what I am.. the growth and change was so subtle... that I didn't even notice it until I looked.... damn. Sometimes.... I feel like the inner child & the inner parent have merged together.... smoothing out one of my many personalities into a dainty blending of one whole person.

Stay Jazzed.

Wednesday, December 1, 1999

Let's Get Som'thin Started....

Curiouser and Curiouser
said the spider to the fly
you see me
and you walk right on by

keep on walking
I ain't talking
to ya
anymore.....

I have noticed over time that my entry titles tend to be songs. OR at least bits of songs that float through my head. I have on of those irritatingly anal retentive minds that can grab a song from most simple phrases. If I have ever heard a song with that bit of something in it..>.*shakes head * I am done...the song is stuck in my head for a while... but anyway.. that isn't really what I wanted to write about today. I have decided that I will write every day this month...going back over the year in review.... Now that I think about it...my anniversary should be coming up... if it hasn't passed by already. Okay.. my anniversary is on the 7th. hmmm.. It's amazing... it certainly doesn't FEEL like I have been here for a year.. but I have..the proof is.. as they say in the writing. Anyway.... this has been an amazingly long year... I have gone through some serious changes.. some ups ands downs.. dear god just thinking about now.. I have seriously LIVED this year if I haven't lived in any other year. Well... I have to come up with a format for these entries... some sort of order... I think I will work from the inside out...starting with me and how I have changed over this year... and moving out.... from feelings to looks to love to....whateva else there may be.... Though some of them might not get on here in time considering I have no clue how I will be getting online from home *sighs * my momma really needs to just break down and get a new computer.

Here goes....

Stay Jazzed





This is the first day...of the rest of our lives. How long it will last...I don't know...where we will end up...I don't know...but for the love I feel and the hope I hold....I am willing to give it a try.

Tuesday, November 30, 1999

On and On It Seems To Go

*sighs * Suddenly I understand what folx mean when they say nose to the grindstone. A state of total physical & mental uncomfort, combined with the fact that you can't SEE anything other than that damn grindstone. * sighs * anyhow... it is finals week in the wonderful world of my education...and they are biting my ass and biting it well. But I will survive.

And I am buoyed up by the fact that I spent an absolutely lovely weekend with Tashi. Wednesday night through Sunday afternoon was spent with her... and it was so relaxing. *thinks * being with her for such a long period... and JUST with her has reaffirmed almost all of my reasons that I love being with her... and with a woman in general. We spent most of the weekend chillin... two days in fact we spent in the house, reading & cleaning & rearranging the house & watching movies. :) It was an extended chill/rest period. *thinks * and why you may be asking was it so different from being with a man? because... hmmm perhaps it is just my limited period of time spent with men.. or the horndogs that I tend to run across... but I cannot see having spent that much time with someone male and not have to fend off any type of unwanted sexual advances. :) anytime she advanced we advanced more or less together. Hmm... it was so relaxing.. so not stressful.

No power games, no underhandedness...no personality issues. Just me & Tashi being Tashi and me. nothing more was required or needed. :) Such joy.... when I left Sunday (much to my dismay) I found that I realllly really did not want to leave. I mean it was like... doom and gloom and silence the whole way back. We got spoiled in the pleasure of each other. And then.. she sent me a letter talking about the weekend and how we don't talk about what we 'are' while we are together.. we just kinda.. 'are' :) I still haven't fully decided what my reply will be... but I know that I consider her to be my girlfriend.. my Girlfriend and I kinda hope she feels the same way.
Okay ... moving on.....SO then.. as an abrupt change form the peaceful state of affairs that I enjoyed over the weekend I came 'home' to madness and disarray. I think I am really starting to hate school in all of its forms and ramifications. * sighs* annnyyyhoow.... So I spent the night over one of my friends houses (a guy.. JEH) and alllllll freaking night I was trying to avoid his roaming hands. There is nothing worse than trying to sleep.... wanting to sleep... and getting awoken every few hours by a hand creeping up your shirt. *sighs * it was such a breaker in my whole state of peace.

It is sad.. because he is trying to get a girlfriend (kinda sorta) and I have one.... so I guess I will have to sit him down and have the talk with him.... cuz I am not sleeping with any men anytime soon. Anybody... *thinks * it is odd, because I have always had a fire for men.. and sometimes I still do... but it just doesn't heat up enough to let me actually DO the DO with them. And it is sad.... because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this.... I mean I have straight friends who know I am bi.. but they are mostly guys..and they simply wouldn't understand. The straight female friend that I Have who knows *rolls eyes * she is sooo damn busy she doesn't really have time to sit and shoot the breeze. (Med. school does that to ya) So I find myself pouring out everything here... and just feeling better by having gotten it off of my chest.

Hmmm I don't know... she asked me where are we going to go... and I honestly can't tell her. I love her.. I know that much.. in love with her? I don't know.. this seems to be too peaceful to be that... and I don't know if I am ready to be there for her in that way.... cuz to me saying that you are IN love with somebody is a major step.. and you have to take emotional responsibility for whatever may come of that. I ain't ready for that responsibility right now.... and god knows when I will be. *laughs * I am noticing that my life has begun to circle around her and school..and that is cool... :)

anyhooooww... I got almost 200 pictures developed last week and I have been going through them trying to sort out which ones are worthwhile and which are just too trashy for words, :) it is funny the ones that I wasn't really TRYING to come up with a statement (or the abstracts) are the ones I like the best.. I need to get a new lens at some point. A serious telephoto zoom so that I can focus in on what I want to take a picture of and eliminate all of the other hogwash,. OR maybe I will just invest in a good PhotoShop program and start getting my pictures put on disk. Anyhow.... I plan on submitting something(s) to Focus... which is the school's literary journal.. pictures and prose/ poems just to see how much of it gets accepted and what it looks like in print. I mean hell that can go on my resume right???
Okay.. it is about time for me to get up and actually do some work.. so I will return.. later.... to 'talk' more...

Stay Jazzed.

Tuesday, November 23, 1999

As if it wasn't Already Bad Enough...

.....now I have to deal with resisting the tempation to go surfing randomly through the OD. This place is getting more and more addicting with every update!!!!
I'm not complaining or anything but.. *sssiiggghhh* I am on a diet already... my willpower is spread thin! :)

Stay Jazzed.

Thankfulness

Hmmm I am really liking this Theme thing.. : ) sometimes you need a quick jolt in the pants to get you going….thankfulness. *sighs * I have so many things I am thankful for I don’t even know how to begin. So…. I think I will do it the way the kids used to do it in grade school…. Alphabetically.



I’m Thankful for
Anger
Ambition
Bliss
Bills
Belief
Clouds
Care
Chris
Computer Science
Devotion
Energy
Fruit
FRIENDS
Grace
Hope
Health
Happiness
Hearing
Intelligence
INTERNET
Joy
Jasmine
Jazziness
Kindness
Love
Lavender
Lace
Money
Men
me
music
Nyota ; )
OPENDIARY
Oatmeal
Peace
Passion
Power
Quiet
Rest
Relaxation
Redemption
Sleep
Sauna
Sex….
Trust
Truth
Uniqueness
Unity
Valor
Vanity
Water
Women
Wisdom
Xenophilla
ZAMI!

*wipes sweat from forehead * whooo…that was harder than I expected… and yet there are so many thinks I have left off of there it is sad…. I wish I could find this email one of my friends read to me…. Speaking of all of the things that she was thankful for, in a odd kinda way. Like….
I am thankful for a high gas bill…..because it means I am warm
I am thankful for my alarm clock….because I am alive to see a new day
I am thankful for those who hate…because they remind me to treasure love
I am thankful for seeing despair….because it means I can see
I am thankful for hearing curses….because it means I can hear….

But you get the idea… the email turned everything into a blessing… somehow or another. *sighs* What else have I left off of the list fellow OD’ers? What else can I add…what else are you thankful for??

Stay Jazzed….



Love Bonds

It seems like everyone has been raving over the new OD look… : ) I like it… I like it a lot, but somehow I don’t wanna talk about that right now. I have a whole nother range of things that I want to talk about right now..dealing with love and friends and the bonds that you never knew you had until you forget they are there.
I have friends and acquaintances scattered across America… and I have connection to them al… whether it may be a rare hello or a piece of email..somehow they or I reach out to touch the other. And I treasure those connections, and those that are platonic I treasure even more. Mainly because so much of my life has been wrapped up in sex and it’s associated lack of thought that when I find a connection that is free of sex yet still strong….that is something unspeakably precious to me. Today.. I was fighting to preserve to friendships that have grown on me. One a straight male… one a gay female. *nods * ummhmmm they are both trying to bring something extra into it that I am not interested in…nor am I ready for. : ) My relationship quota has been utterly filled… and I don’t even want to think of someone else… in any way, shape or form. : ) Any way…. then I was talking to Little one ( yeah it has been a while since his name came up hasn’t it) and I realized that there is a level of comfort ther again… that fora while I was afriand we would never have. * sighs * I have truly missed him…and I am simply overjoyed to have the little piece of him that I have now back in my life. It is the little things that make life worth living…

As I was walking home tonight… I passed thourgh a dark spot.. no street lights, no headlights.. just the pebbled pattern of the road and the silver blue light of the full moon. There was nothing but me & the moon and the sky and a few brave stars that shone through the smog. I stood there for a while and let all of my worries go… let all of my fears float away …let my self be retruned to myself and be made whole again. I bathed in the moonlight and the cool air…waiting for some sign that all was well with me. Then a shooting star whipped across the sky.. and for a second I felt like I could fly with it and carry myself to everyone that I have ever loved and will ever love and touch each of them and remind them of our love. Then I returned to me and found that I still had a bit of the sprakle of the star in my eyes, and I had a bit of the lightness of air in my step, and I had the peace of moonlight in my heart.

Stay Jazzed.

Tuesday, November 16, 1999

Loving U....aint't easy....

Yeah.. I'm at work Again....when else would I be able to write in peace??

I had a most interesting conversation yesterday...about falling in love & being in love. I was talking to one of my friends who is sprung...in love.. head over heels. Her man is her life, her heart , her soul. She has said quite often that she would not want to live without him, and that she is in a constant state of depression because he is in NYC and she is here. Okay...well and good. That is lovely and all for her, but when she tried to say that that is what being in love is all about. And at that point I bust out with... " I think that i am too independent to ever fall in love." * laughs * I nearly had the whole computer lab in chaos, as all these women tried to tell me that falling in love doesn't mean giving up who you are, it just means a blending of you and somebody else. * sighs * And yeah, I listened to what they had to say, but all of them were talking about how they started doing things what they never thought they would do... and I asked " That isn't a change of who you are?" they said that I would do these things without thinking about..simply because I wanted to...but why would I suddenly want to do something that I never wanted to do before...because I was in love?? * rolls eyes * Somehow.. I think not. And I don't thin they understood what I was trying to say.
What I was trying to say... in my own brief words was: I am unable to give of myself fully...I am unable to let myself go all the way. I analyze everything to see how this affects me . My boundaries of how far I let anyone into my heart have been set in stone, and it will take a lot more than love to break them down. I have fought too long and too hard to be my OWN woman to suddenly turn into a creation of someone else's love. And sometimes I regret that...a lot of times. Sometimes I wish that I I couldn't be so coldly analytical, and that I could let emotions run me for more than a few days. But I can't... or at least at this point in my life I won't. Why? *shrugs * I got burnt rather badly as a child... * laughs * Yeah.. I'm blaming this one on my 'parents' cuz going through 3 divorces between the same two people doesn't inspire precisely the greatest faith & trust in love. Going to shelters and cars and other folx houses cuz love led you there...doesn't quite inspire the security and comfort that I want in my life...so I opt out of that whole falling IN love shyt. I love... *nods * oh yes I love totally and fully and with my all. But I love as *thinks * as a part of me that is extended. My love is not so tightly wound around who I am that it can't be released without taking parts of me with it. I love as part of a feeling that I have FOR a certain person...but if that person was gone... I would not be destroyed within myself.
I guess that is why I tend to treat my friends and my lovers so much the same. I am not willing to give anyone a higher status.. because that means I would have to do more than just love this person.. I would have to let that person inside of me...let them roam around the solitude that I call my heart..but I want to keep those rooms all to myself... letting no one else in...I need a place to retreat to that I can always call all mine own... created by me for me...and I let my heart be that place.
So...yeah... I think I am too independent to fall in love. It requires a amount of change and rapture that I am not warm enough to see. *laughs * as my girlfriend says... 'caught up in the rapture' I *sighs * I ain't strong enough to endure the pain of falling OUT of love... so I never let my self go to fall In in the first place. *sighs * Maybe if I just once saw a happy love affair... that lasted till death did them part... that STARTED and ENDED with them still IN love..and not having gone to them just 'lovin' each other.. I might have a little more faith. But until the fairy tales start to come true... I will stick to loving those who deserve my love...and not fallin...for nothing.

Stay Jazzed.

Saturday, November 13, 1999

The Rise and Fall of Humankind

Things that rub me the wrong way:

Black people who denigrate their own people, assuming that everyone who is black is inferior and can never do anything right.

Men who assume that lesbians hate men.

Women who play the helpless and dumb role in order to attract men

Any human that treats children as idiots. You were a child too once upon a time.

Men or women who brag about the number of sex partners they have had, and have no shame about enumerating their children’s various mothers & fathers.

Men (boys) who act as though the burden of procreation is not on them but on the woman.



Yeah, okay... I was doing a bit of ranting... but I had a long ride home last night, and I was hearing things that...I didn't need nor want to hear. I swear, sometimes I simplt get so sick & tired of HUMANS in general that I don't know what to do with myself. *sighs* I don't know...somedays it seems like intelligence is being sucked out of people at an exponential rate, and that most folx are already too damn stupid to care. *sighs* There are times when I wonder what use there is to.... to caring about others. And by that I mean the 'world' in general. Some things are so patently obvious that it seems like either there is someting seriously lacking in that person as a whole, or I am simply not comprehending where they are coming from. For my own sanity, and for the continuance of the littel bit of hope I have for the human race, I assume that I simply just DON'T get it. And then.. there are the things that people do...thinking that is it utterly cool & right & wonderful...and never seem to comprehend the utter chaos it will throw thier life into. *sighs* I don't know. I thrive on simplicity... rolling with the punches... delicately bending life to do what I want it to do... *sighs* and chaos...I just don't work well with. ah well. I am making myself tired....so...

Stay Jazzed.

Tuesday, November 9, 1999

Survey I

There was anotgher survey I was going to do... but I didn't feel like talking about all the sex right now...I got this one from Gattaca.

1. Do you believe in God? hmm... I grew up Muslim...and when I was young yeah. Now... not really... I believe that something created everything...but I don't believe that that 'something' is looking over mankind and moving them around like chess pieces. I believe in a creator...a higher being... that has no more interest in us than we have in microbes.
2. If Yes, Do you feel his presence in your life? The answer wasn't yes...so no.
3. Are you content with life? Currently? No. there is SO much more that I want to do and my hands feel tied because of my lack of cash & time & experience.
4. What makes you angry? ignorance. blindness & narrowmindedness. slowness.
5. How do you get on with your parents? I love my mommy and my mommy loves me. My dad left when I was 2...I met him when I was 19 and we don't really talk.
6. Have you done anything in your life that you truly regret? *thinks * no....not yet.
7. Describe your best/worst personality traits.Best: I love easily and wholeheartedly. I am forgiving.
Worst: I don't trust easily. I have very little patience.
8. How much sleep do you need a night? on a good night? 8... on a bad night? 2
9. Are you a vegetarian or vegan? Neither... and this diet I am on has turned me into a rabid meat eater.
10. Do you smoke or drink alcohol? I drink. rarely.
11. What do you like/dislike most about your body? Like: My hair...my eyes...my lips...my breasts...
Dislike: I'm too fat..my butt...my belly... my thighs... my upper arms.
12. Are you single? Yes I am..no I am not. hell I don't know... I think I am not single... but how can you be not single with someone who is not single? .
13. Why have your past relationships ended? I got tired of them...and I wasn't ready to give all the love devotion and attention they needed,
14. What qualities do you look for when developing friendships ? hmmm that is hard...because I tend to fall into friendships. I have never LOOKED for friends per se... either you become one...or you don't....
15. If you could swap minds and bodies with a member of the opposite sex for a day would you do it? No...simply no.
16. Have you suffered abuse as a child? (Physical, Emotional or Sexual) Yes. Emotional abuse. I have grown out of most of it...but some of it still comes back and bites me on the ass.
17. Are you able to cry alone and with close friends? Yes.. in a heartbeat. * laughs* when I am around real friends I can cry as easy as I laugh.
18. Describe your favourite places in nature. The ocean. at night.
19. Do you suffer from any allergies? * nods * peaches & pork skins.
20. What are you addicted to in life? Books.
21. Are you introverted or extroverted? Extroverted. in most situations. I have noticed that there are fewer and fewer places where I am introverted....
22. How many times have you been in love? Truly? never....
23. Do you chew your fingernails when stressed? No... I chew my inner lip.
24. How many really close friends do you have? * thinks * Nee, Chris, Tashi, JJ, James, hmmmm I have others...but I am not sure that they would be considered close.
25. Ever tried to commit suicide? No. thought about it...thought about helping other people commit suicide....

Ramblin Ramblin Ramblin...

It is ridiculous that the only time I can write and not feel guilty about taking the time from something else is while I am at work. * shrugs * I guess that means I will have to write little bits through the week and then just post them at work.
I really don't have anything to talk about...but it seems like I have gone to long without writing..about anything. I haven't written any poetry in forever it seems...and as for stories or anything longer??? FORGET it.... I guess the reason that is to the forefront of my mind is because the call for submissions to my schools literary journal has gone out recently... and I think that I want to submit a picture & a poem...but I can't think of anything.... Tashi has 12 rolls of film of mine that she is supposed to be dropping off to get developed for me... and maybe I will find something in there.
hmmmmmm what else? Tashi's life is getting tragic & dramatic.... her husband is talking about leaving...and to all intents and purposes she is holding the door open for him to walk out of... * sighs * annnnyyywaayy....that should make life more interesting.. * shrugs * I don't know... it seems like she is becoming more and more gay... * laughs * which is kinda ironic because I have been feeling the same way...and it isn't because I have a lack of male companionship.. it is just the simple fact that men don't spark my candle as much....as womyn do...and it's not JUST Tashi either.... it is womyn in general...*smiles * I don't know... it would be fascinating (to me) if my bisexuality morphs into lesbianism...but then it may be the fact that I am simply too tired to really get hot for anybody too much... * smiles * half the time..when I get in bed I wanna go to SLEEP..... not get playful with any body....
and then there is this,.. I won't even call him a friend... more like an old fuck-buddy that is just itchin to get with me again....especially since I got my tongue pierced.... I am trying to think up some way to tell him that a snowball staying hard in hell has a better chance than him getting hard in me does..... : ) anyyhoow... where was I? oh yeah.. beds & heat & stuff.....oh yeah!! that is where I was going.... I read an entry to day of Gattaca's where he was talking about what he considers to be companionship.... what he thinks really matters to him. And it got me thinking.... what do I consider to be most important to a friend? in a friend? I am not sure....but it must be some kinda rare thing because I have so few REAL friends....yeah.. I have folx I am cool with... I have folx who know me a little.... but REAL FRIENDS? not many... and I think that only in real friends can you find real companionship...
Well I have a few surveys to complete... so I will wander off and do that now..* sighs * life is soooooo boring sometimes....

Stay Jazzed.

Thursday, November 4, 1999

A day in the life of ......

When my love life gets wild...or when the rest of my life gets wild and my love life is the only thing that seems to be a safe haven...pieces of this poem by Queen Poet Nikki Giovanni drifts through my head:
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP
not the late night entamglings of you and me
not the early mornings kisses
not the lovewe share
but the intrustion of life into our love

Or something like that.. you get the general drift I am sure....And that is how I am feeling... *sighs* whoo it is so amazing to want to go forward with something and be unable to because it is simply unfeasible... stupid and emotionally dangerous. I mean...she's married. Argh. and yet all I wanna do is spend time with her...without him. *shakes head* the longer I am around her... the less men in general are a viable sexual choice to me.. yet at the same time I want a happy little family with the 3 or 4 kids and the house and all that...but will I be sharing it with a she or a he? This woman .... I'mma call her Tashi (not her real name...) is changing me ya'll...I tend to be slow in the starting of love and fasst in the ending of it...like a candle is a high wind...but somehow I feel like I am in a gentle brezze.. there is always the chance... but it is never fufilled. *sighs* Anyhoow.... I keep saying that I will write more... but these mad people who call themselves teachers at my school have severe emotional difficulties that make them do devious things to us. And when I am stressed...although I may not look it or act like it..I can write no more than I can make love...I become demonically focused... and very very touchy. *sighs* but when one teacher does something lovely...my entire life view changes....no one should have THAT much control over you....*shrugs* it sucks... but I can't imagine doing anything else.



I have been taking pictures like cameras are going to vanish in 2000. I have 12 rolls of film that need to be developed...:) Tashi said that she would take then in to this discount place and get them done for me...*smiles* such a wonderful lady....but I haven't taken any pictures of her yet...I don;t know why...most likely I have never had my camera with me.. and I don't know how I Would take pictures...somehow my mental image of her is not what hse rally looks like which is odd.. I see pictures of her and I am like who IS that woman...and then I realize.. oh...hmmm I guess her aura doesn't translate well on film. What else? I have been taking pictures of all of the open sorority functions weh ave had...I took like 4 rolls over the summer of kids in the park... :) picture so f friends... pictures during the parade.. I figure the more I take. the better my eye will get and the more likely I will be to have som really GOOD pictures... *smiles*

Diet Update: Well I am just past the two week induction phase, and I am supposed to start upping my carbs back up... but since I have ALOT of wieght to lose (close to 60 pounds) I am going to stick to induction for a while longer to insure that I stay in ketosis. *sighs* I need to go grocercy shopping and buy some ketosis sticks so I can keep track. I have lost 9 pounds so far... ( as of Saturday), butI don;t feel any different. :) I can't wait to lose enough that I can tell that I am smaller...it is odd the things that finally force you to decide oh NO..it stops here... for me it was the fact that for about 3 weeks I was falling almost everyday...I was unblanced and heavy on my feet. and I was falling HARD... it was starting to really scare me..and then the fact that I was having ahard time walking up hills and breathing right. *shake head* I was scared for my health and my bones...and at that point I decided no more...for me & for my body & for my health I have GOT to lose weight. And I will....while eating and exercising. *smiles* and since I can s till eat...most foods... it will be no discomfort to continue on this. I just have to be super aware of what is in food...like a diabetic would be..which is cool...because my problem was always in limiting how MUCH I could eat... but because of my upbringing...it has always been almost second nature to limit what I COULD eat. So... I am on this diet.. and *smiles* Hopefully my mom will notcie the poundage loss...if SHE notices... then I know am I really losing.. :) she notices any change in me.

Okay.. enough babbling.... I wanna thank all the folx who have been coming thorugh and leaving encouraging words in my notes...*smiles & hugs all a round*

Stay Jazzed.

Monday, November 1, 1999

Unmasking the Night

I have alot on my heart and mind right now, and I am not sure exactly how I want to deal with it..if at all. T convinced me (not a hard thing to do) to come and sty the night over her house on Saturday. I agreed, and had a pretty good time. Didn't get there until late, but still a good time was had by all.
I woke up Sunday to the sounds of an arguement. Her and T were having it out...*sighs* and at that moment I wished thst I had a car so that I could just get up, get dressed and leave. I did not like being the neutral party to both sides in my parent's rocky marraige/divorce..and I am not liking it now. Of course, my sympathies lie with Tfemale *shrugs* where else could they go, but I am scared of what might happen between us if they DO break up. I know I am not ready to be anybody's one & only. and I don't think that I would be anywhere near ready or willing to do that for her.. Love not with standing. Later hse came in and told me that the arguement was not about me, but I mean really... *sighs* I don't want to be anywhere near coming between a couple. I never wanted it to be...and even if it is the fact of her being bisexual, and not the fact of her being with me... STILL...I currently represent her bisexuality. *sighs* I don't know. I wish I was blinder to the facts... I wish I wasn't so damn observant, I wish I could pretend that all is well. But it isn't...so I am flowing and going along the best I can. She told me (in a sideways kinda way) that she has a diary on here, and I have decided not to even consider looking for it. We all deserve some little amount of privacy.. to hash out the issues that come up in our lives.



Anyway....other than the minor amount of chaos in my lovelife...everything else seems to be going well. School is still kicking my rump, but I kick back every chance I can...and I think that I will end up on top. A little more than a month to finals... and I have a strong B average going on...this might be a good year.
I am on this diet, called the Atkins Diet, (low carb) and have been on it for roughly a week and a few days, and I have already lost 9 pounds. :) It is hard to stick to, but since both me & T are on the diet, that support makes it easier. I am eating more meat than I ever wanted to, and will have to find SOMETHING to keep me ummmm regular.... but I am thrilled by the fact that for the frist time a diet is WORKING for me, and thatI may actually be able to reach my goals without pulling my hair out.
Hmmm.. unmasking the night....last night WAS Halloween ( how odd that it fell on a Sunday) and I wrote a little something in the day's (and night's) honor.

I hide behind the mask
that holds my heart in check
I hide behind the spectacle
that lets my mind protect
I hide behind the words
that fall away with fear
I unmask the night
and run away from here

The night holds all the terrors
of a life too sharply led
the night holds the fears
that follow me to bed
the night takes me to task
for all I think I lack
the night hovers
in silence
breathing down my back
I unmask the night
And face all my fears
I unmask the night
and make my stand here.

Thursday, October 21, 1999

Coming Out of The Box

I read an article not too long ago about how some fundamentalists types were accusing some large universities (oh how I WISH I had remembered more details) of concealing rampant lesbianism in their Women's Studies departments. They went as far to say that the school should be honest and call them Lesbian Studies so that girls would not be drawn to the department under false pretences. This has been floating in the underbelly of my mind for a while... and it wasn't until I started really READING about the history of my college (an all women's school) that the reason for its continual floating in my mind.

One) Okay... yeah... sometimes the Women's Studies Department does have slightly more gay/bi women in it than most other departments. It is a matter of going where you heart leads you. But at the same time... there are more straight folx out there than gay ones ANYWAY.... * rolls eyes * so that is kind of a moot point.

The next thing that intrigues me was something very simple.... but frightening at the same time... The fundamentalist assumed that because it was Women's Studies...most of the women interested would be gay ones. They believed somehow... that the determination of real woman hood is only in relation to manhood. And while I can in my logical mind understand that concept of polarities. (man/woman dark/bright young/old), the intuitive portion of me recoils from it. Why...are we defined in terms of what the other lacks? Why... in order for me to be considered a 'real' woman.... I must shun all of those things that have been classified as 'manly'? Why ... in order to be a real 'man' he has to shun those things that are classified as 'womanly'?? Why is there such a chasm.. a gap between what is and is not... it seems that it would make...so much.... simpler if we viewed ourselves as PEOPLE/humans foremost.. and then as man/woman next... to further separate ourselves. * sighs * Just like the black/white divide.

And I think the reason that it was floating on my mind even more is because I am SICK SICK SICK and tired of being boxed.. categorized.. and expected to make a single choice from a million and one options. *sighs * I am trying to escape out of this tiny box called black bisexual womanhood into a mental, emotional and physical state called Jazzybelle. I am TIRED of being limited in what I can do by fears of what I will be called and considered. I am TIRED of busting my hump to fit into some mold that pinches and prods and gets tighter by every day. Dammit I want to be ME so bad I can taste it in my very bones.... and yet sometimes... I wonder if one woman can ever hope to escape from centuries of societal pressure....and still be sane.


Stay Jazzed.

Sunday, October 17, 1999

Runaway Heart-umm I mean fingers

holding my hands between your thighs
your heat
makes me drift
into a funk of
passionate entanglings
and brazen bliss
wild river woman
changing like the tides
taking my heart
my mind
my soul
on an impossible lovers ride
like cool spring rain
falling over me
you take me
and turn me
and burn me
until I am simply
a tower of flame
you are my hearts guiding light
sweet summer water woman
with the aura of
love
passion
and pain
can I be yours
tomorrow….
and today?




So...what is a woman to do when she thinks she is falling in love with another woman? who happens to be married? *smiles* I don't know what I can do.. this whole episode.. this whole relationship thing has me off kilter. and since it is so out of the norm (the trio version of a relationship) who can I talk to? My straight friends wouldn't understand me falling for a woman... the gay ones would have issues with the fact that she is married... to a man no less... so I sit here and write bad poetry and wonder if I will ever get up the nerve to say I love you... even in a joking way...cuz I have been scared from the start... afraid of where loving a woman might take me...and I don't think I want to know where really loving a woman will lead.
The only problem is.. somedays that seems to be all I can think about... my T**** as I call her...I get jealous of her husband...cuz he wakes up to her everyday. Yeah... ain't nothing all sweet...and I have enough issues to keep me out of a relationship for years to come... but still.... falling for her is the sweetest thing I have done in so long... and my life is almost stable sometimes and...and I just don't know what to do with my self.. or her.

So I sit here...and talk to her.. and wish for someone else to come and sweep me out of her life and out of this thing that will have to end in misery... cuz there is no sunny way out. And I have no interest in forming nay new relationships with a man...*shrugs* I have been spoiled my a passion that is so much like my own that I can no longer see fighting to form the bonds and limits of love with someone whose idea of passion is a kiss in the morning and a good f****** every night.
And I am fighting to find a man who doesn’t relate to me on a level of passion before he peeps into my heart...yeah I am fighting to find a woman like that too...but we are so different. *sighs* With some men... most men who are attracted to a woman... the thought of sex is a barely concealed ideal..hidden only by societies and the 'good' girls demand that sex isn't what she is all about.
Am I babbling??? am I racing on and on?? yeah maybe but I have to get all of this off of my heart & out of my head before I turn to do some real work...sometimes the only time I ain't wondering what I am going to do with myself and my wayward heart is when I am programming... and that is only cuz I have to devote my entire mind to what I am writing...computers are anal about precision...


whoooo that was a trip... i guess when the urge is on all you can do is write...and write and write. Hold me tight and neva let me go...cuz I don't know where I would be without you....

Stay Jazzed.

Thursday, October 14, 1999

Into the Looking Glass

She walks in darkness like the night
of cloudless climes
and starry skies
and all that is best
of dark and bright
meet in her aspect & her eyes


That little piece of poetry drifts through my head sometimes, and it bugs me that I don’t know who wrote it…but that was just a starting point for something else….somewhere else.
I have a confession to make. I am a lurker…. I drift through diaries… through peoples lives on here and never leave any trace of my passing.. .like mist like clouds like the spider web you feel but never see…I interact with almost 30 people on the OD and they are not aware of it… I miss people and I hope that some folx get there relationships together and that others love harder and some love less. I hope that some get a job.. and that others start writing and that some figure out what they want… I hope that many heal…. and that others become aware that they need healing. and I don’t leave notes cuz I don’t know what to say.. how can I compress all that I am thinking into 250 characters? How can I compose my verbose words of hope & love and concern & sympathy into something that fits & doesn’t sound trite or empty? How do I pull that off.. and still remain true to the sprit that I came into this diary with of a place of intensely personal introspection? *shrugs* I haven’t figured it out yet… and sometimes I wonder if I like having this really personal space that people have to stumble onto t to find me…. never feeling a need to demonstrate or show off or write on a daily basis… or even respond t o notes because this is mine….and then people vanish and I feel a loss and a lack and somehow I Wish I had someone to share that lack with… in the same way that sometimes I Wish I had someone to share the joy that other diarists on here go through with…. and I wonder.. how can I hide in my own world… and still be a part of theirs?
Anyhow….enough introspection for right now. *lauhgs8 I don’t know..so much & so little at the same time is going on in my life.. I feel like the eye of a hurricane sometimes… standing still amongst utter chaos..
Annyhhoooowwww…. I just had to vent about that…. and I think I might start forcing myself to do note runs… just go through my favorites and scatter notes….on whatever touches me…. maybe I will be come a better more open person.. : ) maybe I Will just become more connected to a whole nother community…. ah well… until I write again…

Stay Jazzed…..

Monday, October 4, 1999

Baby Love

I'm tired. And lonely. and need love. and am too busy to even SEE the folx that are here who love me. and I want something more than most of them can give. I want more than I am prepared to handle. *sighs* And I don't want to fall for anyone who offers me love because then I may not be happy with the rest of the package that comes with it. and I am to tired to hold out.. when the mind works overtime it frees up too much control over the heart. and that I don't have the time or the energy for.




I float away
lost on the dirfts of your love
filled with the thoughts of your arms
wrapped around my sleeping body
I settle down
belly curved and fulll
with the memories
and reminder of our love
warm with the feel
of my arms wrapped around
our child
I cry
with the joy of loving you
and holding her
and turning a corner
into a new life
that is all love.




but I guess this is part of the challenge that is my life...learning how to do without that which seems sometimes to be all that I need. annnyhow.... I am off. To study and the like. *sighs* goodnight.....

Stay Jazzed...

Tuesday, September 28, 1999

Bland as a raw Egg

It's been entirely too long since I have written, mainly because I have been so busy... and because I no longer seem to have anything to write about.
School has narrowed my life into some very boring channels...everything that I do is now focused on either passing or making money or combining the two somehow. My minute social life does still exist, and I have to thank my friends who have been keeping me fed & warm for the past few weeks.. but there no longer seems to be any depth to what I do. I eat (sometimes) sleep, go to class, go to work, study, do homework, sleep, and repeat the cycle with various time spans. I have even started TALKING like my major... using jargon in ways that it really should never be used. *sighs * I MISS being in the real world, and I am even more confused by these people who say.. " Oh I want to stay in school... I don't want to get a job and be in the 'real world'" *shrugs * Maybe it is just the fact that I WAS out there, and I had a job, and I paid my bills, and I had fun... alot more fun than I am having now....and now that I am BACK in school.. I STILL have to deal with the same issues. I still have to pay rent, and eat, and try to pay my credit card bills..and ALL of the same bull I was doing before.... except now I have one job that has 10-12 hour long days, plus take home work...and doesn't PAY!

okayy...end bitter rant

But it is kinda scary.. I have nothing to write about.... I mean.. *sighs * I'm not DOING anything...or even considering doing anything...creative & or interesting.... my life has become small and boring again..... I suppose this means that I have to start forcing myself to write. Stories have been popping up in my mind every once in a while... and some of my dreams have been works of art...so I guess that shall be my goal.. my adventure... to write my fiction/dreams and keep the creative juices juicy. Ah well.... until a story pops up....

Stay Jazzed

Saturday, September 11, 1999

The World goes round and round and round and round

I have finally figured something out…well maybe not figured it out.. but grown to a point where I can put it into words. Life…is all about choices. *nods* okay.. yeah that may be obvious as hell.. but I mean that in a deeper way. I mean it… mainly dealing with my world. Not my life as I live it per se, but the world that I move through. I have a choice to make, and I have been making one choice without even realizing that the other option was available.

In my world.. I have a choice, I can either decide to move within a very enclosed circle, only touching those who I have deemed worthy of approach…. OR I can leave myself open to everyone, opting to touch & be touched by those who I would normally not even CONSIDER worthy… much less allow to approach.
The one approach (the one I am currently taking) would keep me safe, allowing me to closely monitor and define who and what I dealt with on a daily basis. The second approach (the one I am considering) would open me so much to much more… hurt & anger & incivility…but I would learn on a daily basis…and what I would learn would be totally outside of my normal sphere of life. And by choosing to be open to life & to the world as a whole….I might meet some folx who will be what I need…even though they are not what I want. I will be able to increase my patience (which tends to be very very thin) perhaps touch up on my sympathetic side….and discover & explore so much more. *sighs* Maybe……..





Okay…. that is all of the deep & insightful stuff I have for today…. and it still isn’t finished.. but that is all that felt like coming out today….. Let’s see.. what has been going on in my life lately? School is kicking my tail….. making me really remember what hard work is all about…I miss Nee…and my friends who came down for Labor Day…. such wonderfully wonderful people : ) My tongue ring is healing very nicely….while I still have to be careful of how I chew… it works rather nicely. : ) I have been trying to figure out how my mother will react to it… but I will crosss that bridge when it comes. I have been spending entirely too much time with JEH lately… and *sighs* I don’t know. We have a very .. odd relationship. and that is where I will leave that discussion. I have my books for school ( Thanks Mom!) but the Finance commision is still screwing with my PLUS loan…. and many many many bills are rapidly approaching that due date and god only knows WHEN I will get paid. *sucks in breath* okay… ; ) but I have food in the house..and the phone and the light are still on and my rent is paid so… I am okay.. really.
My house needs to be cleaned and I need to run to the corner store and I reallly really need to get started on some of this homework….

Stay Jazzed.

Wednesday, September 8, 1999

Of a Chicken and It's Head

Okay.. so I'm tired. Grumpy. Hating most of humankind right now. And so...into it all it is amazing.

My labor Day weekend was lovely... I had two old friends and one new friend staying in my place for Black Pride and we ran the streets every night. The only thing that I regretted was the fact that there was not more of a mixed scene. The women had their own parties and the men had theirs. So I was living in a happy little gay world for a while. Then Monday... I was on the train..having spent and absolutely lovely day hanging out with JEH.. and I hear the comments start.... there are two obviously gay & in love Black men sitting in front of us.. and when they get off the comments.. nasty hateful cutting comments start.

My whole little happy bubble of peace and contentment crashed in hard & sudden. I felt so furious & so sad & so helpless all at once. I just left the company of men who were better then those who threw the comments.. so much so that it would put them to shame.. yet since they fuck women they are considered some sort of superior being.
I wanted to cry.
I have never felt so...so hopeless. How...why do people hate so much? It goes beyond the human thing of fearing what you don't understand...it goes beyond a social thing of thinking that it is immoral.. it goes into a whole nother level... a entirely different realm of the blackness of the human heart.
I wanted to scream.
How DARE they say such things? What gave them the right? And why...why did those two brothers have to walk out of the train hearing those words in thier ears... keeping THAT as the last memory they had of this city? How can people be so cruel...to those that they don't even know?
And...worst of all I felt ashamed.
Shamed because I kept silent...shamed because my heart wept and I could do nothing. Shamed because I was so secure in my appereance of hetrosexuality that I would be approved...even tho I love just as they do. And I wondered...as I looked around the crowded train... how many other hearts were weeping in the silence... where all we could hear echoing in our ears was

North Avenue Station. Where all the faggots and the sisses and the girly boys get off to fuck each other and fuck up the world. Man I HATE them bitches. I wish they would all die.. I wish they all had AIDS. I wish one of them would look at me so I could beat his punk ass down


I'm running around
like a chicken with no head
I have gone beyond
being a chicken head
to something far more rare
and far harder to see
a woman
who wants
the world to be
like me.

Stay Jazzed.

Thursday, August 26, 1999

I sing a song....

Yesterday, I finally made it to the mall & used my HMV gift certificate to get Macy Gray & Meshell Ndegechello’s CD’s. Now… I’m listening to Meshell and… *thinks* her CD is so private. I feel like I am looking in on someone’s prayers and dreams. Her voice, soft & husky sucks you into the songs...and the slow guitar & harps in the background bring you down to a state of almost somnolent peace. She sings like she is casting her heart out into the world… she sings you down into peace and pulls you right back out into her pain. She sings about love and pain and hate and grace and bitterness and changes it all back around so that she is singing about you and her and praying that you both become whole.

She sings me
Into a prayer
Into a personal space
That opens to the world
She drifts
Into the memories
Of her own love
And I follow
Hopelessly
Entangled in the web
Of her honey voice
And diamond sharp tongue

So…I have been listening to this CD almost since I got it…tho I did slide in Janet’s Design of a Decade to clean. *sighs* I got almost the whole house done last night… I just have to clean the kitchen and organize my junky closet back into a semblance of decency and I will be done. I will most likely wash clothes tomorrow after I get in from class. Then my entire house will be clean. Although I am short on cash (I can pay the rent…but food might get a little tight) and I have to buy a book for ONE class that costs 108.00.. I am going to go to the dollar store and buy some candles for myself. I need to get some more incense too…but I am not sure where I can find that at. *sighs* I will NOT worry about the money…although I do need my books kinda badly. *thinks* I need to see how much I have left on my credit card. I might be able to get one book with that…
I love the internet… I have found ALL of my books for 260. All four of them. : ) *sighs* Now all I have to do is convince my mother to put them on her card and I will pay her back later…


Stay Jazzed.

Wednesday, August 25, 1999

Dust Bunnies of The Heart


*sighs & stretches* Well… a bit of empirical evidence and I think I have made my decision.
I had sex with JEH last night… and it had to be the … *thinks* strangest thing imaginable. I… *shakes head* I am a very open & out going & *thinks* totally free person…but for the first time ever...having sex made me feel… dirty. Within myself… without anyone else’s opinions or thought affecting that balance. I hated it…. without a doubt.. without a side note.. without a second thought…. *sighs* I ain’t sure why I feel this way.. and I’m not even sure if it matters. I just do… and it isn’t even the fact that I didn’t remain celibate (which is PROMPTLY back on track).. it was just the feeling that there was something so wrong in something that once was so right…..

This is starting to scare me… *sighs* I mean…. I don’t know… It is like something within me is changing and I don’t even know what it is.. all I know is that this change is heading onward whether I understand it or not. It feels like….rebirth….and somehow it will all eventually make sense.

I know that all day… well at least the part of the day when I wasn’t out and about and doing stuff.. when I had quiet time I just felt.. unclean… like I needed to scrub my soul out. *sighs* I don’t know… I feel so uncentered and so… unright. *sighs* I feel like apologizing to myself for doing it… for letting him convince me to do something that I wasn’t really wanting to do.. I feel like I need to beg forgiveness of my spirit…and I need to build myself back up…from a point that I had reached without even being aware I was approaching it…

Anyhow… today was the first day of classes. *sighs* I think this semester will be hard as hell….but fun. somehow I feel like a freshman again… when everything was new and incredible and amazing somehow… and all I wanted to do was learn. I have to pick up some other skills as well.. (classes that I SHOULD have taken but haven’t) and I think that … with a LOT of hard work...and some guidance, and some peer support and some determination I will make it through. I don’t see myself graduating in May 2000 tho…because that would require me taking almost 25 hours next semester and THAT particular scenario of madness ain’t happening.
Hmm…. what else? I have been seeing A LOT of folx from school in the last few days.. folx who have actually been in the city but who I simply haven’t seen… it is kinda cool…I know more people than I thought I did. The money situation is getting kinda tight because the PLUS loan hasn’t come through yet, and I still don’t have a for-certain job pulling a paycheck although I have three of them lined up so far. *sighs* none of them have PERFECT hours… but I will take what I can get.


*sighs* I feel so thoroughly CRAPPY right now. I want to crawl into bed and just melt away. *gags* but instead I think I will turn on some Janet…and clean my house…the physical one at least… I think the mental & spiritual one will take a little more work.

Stay Jazzed.

Tuesday, August 24, 1999

Style of Sex

I opened MSWord….fully intending to sit down and write a long diatribe on the follies of Internet communication. And then I asked a simple question and started talking about religion...and evolution...and all sorts of delightful things. anyhow…. I decided not to write about that… simply because it doesn’t hold QUITE as true anymore… so..where to now? *sighs* let’s talk about it…. sex that is….

I had quite the weekend this weekend. And last.. which I haven’t talked about just yet… or the repercussions from last weekend.

I guess I will start with last weekend..because that affected this weekend in some ways.. *sighs* I don’t know..

I went to a get together that T&T had…. according to Tfemale… was NOT going to be a sex party…she was.. *laughs* performing an experiment to see if a group of open minded people could get-together withOUT sex occurring. In other words.. could we get together and chill & kick it and be ourselves without somebody having to f***? To put it simply it failed pretty damn badly.. it denigrated into an all out sex party. I wasn’t part of it because I was sick… stomach problems? *raised eyebrow* that may have been my way of getting out of a situation that I was thoroughly uncomfy with. I truly DID not want to f*** any of the people there…. especially the guys.. *yeech* like I said.. I am just not into the whole dude thing.. So I spent the weekend there… the party was on Saturday…and I stayed there over night..and I spent Sunday there too. Now mind you.. me and Tfemale had been.. *thinks* touching each other all during the party.. not DOING anything even remotely hedonistic.. but touching.. on the arms.. on the face.. *sighs* it was… very relaxing and safe feeling for me. Anyhow…. Tmale went out with the remaining couple for breakfast and Tfemale and I chilled around the house… when Tmale got back .. *sighs* he was doing something or another and started having sex with Tfemale…anyhow..somehow I got pulled into it… literally… *laughs* for the longest me & Tfemale were just kissing… that was it. And… *thinks* it felt so good. *laughs* It was almost like a soul kiss… but not.. it was something outside of what I have gone before.. I was like I could have kissed her forever and been simply happy with doing that and only that… but I progressed onto doing more.. and we will draw the curtain over that scene…
fast forward to.. *Thinks* Wednesday I guess… me & Tfemale are talking…and the subject of ‘us’ comes up…. and it was odd..because she was trying to feel out how I felt about her..and I had to be honest.. that if it wasn’t for her husband.. I would want to be in a relationship with her (I think.. we aren’t going to get into my whole relationship thing) ..but once again that male presence would just… warp everything somehow. so..that went through.. and I was kinda… floating for awhile because I think/thought that I do want a girlfriend. I’m not going to go into the differences between being in a relationship with a an and being in a relationship with a woman. anyhow…. fast forward to this weekend. I had promised JEH a massage…. his back hurt for some reason or another… I told him I was going to try to be celibate...and he told me that we were gong to have sex before October. *rolls eyes* anyway. So he came over Saturday night.. I gave him the massage and it was cool… we were laying next to each other..cuz we do still love each other. *shrug* that is how we are…. anyhow.. he tried to go further.. *sighs* and that started the trend.. all weekend basically he was begging me to let him f*** me. and all weekend he was getting the same answer… NO NO & HELL NO. *shrugs* and…. I DID relate to him sexually… we did a lot of kissing and rubbing…. but I would have enjoyed it just as much without it. I like being around him..I like hanging with him..but he always manages to bring sex into it and that warps the whole thing. Once again.. I recognize that it is a matter of changing how we relate to each other..but damn I didn’t think it would be quite so hard.

So that long ass story brings me to now. And now is a question that is looking me dead in my face… assisted by a random snide remark tossed my way by MJW who is gay regarding bisexuality. What do I really want? I mean… as CAK told me…. you can’t be celibate with men and do stuff with Tfemale at the same time…. and he has a perfectly good point. I can’t..but do I even want to? the question that I am asking myself now is simply this… do I want to STOP having sex with men period for a while…. or do I want to stop having sex period? While deciding to only have sex with women would upset a few folx.. *shrugs* They will get over it.. this is my life my heart & my decision to make. I have been.. *thinks* looking over & past & around this question for a while because the implications that would come up are more than I am really ready to handle. I have never really been one to narrowly define anything..but if I choose to start having sex with ONLY women… that will change how I am viewed, and how my sexuality is viewed, by a lot of people.

And I’m not sure….which is the problem…. I love being with women… I love laying with a women… and right now at this point.. I like it more than I do being with man. *shakes head* I can’t explain it..but there is something in women that men (or at least the ones I have been dealing with) are lacking… and it is s something that I simply don’t see existing within them. *shrugs* so here I am…. and I’m wondering if refusing to have sex at ALL is a way of sticking my head in the sand for while….ignoring the problem as a whole.

So.. that is my state of confusion...that is my dilemma and somehow.. by writing it down I haven’t come to a decision…but I feel a whole hell of a lot better. Maybe I will read this tomorrow or Wednesday and it will seems so stupid and inane that I will laugh at myself….or maybe it will make perfect sense then. *shrugs* who knows?

Stay Jazzed.

Friday, August 20, 1999

The Legend of Lillith (My Version)

The Legend of Lillith
( I don’t know if this is how it really goes…but this is my understanding of it & a little sarcasm too )


God had created all of the animals, and the things that swam, and flew, and determined that is was time to create something that had dominion over all of them, because you see, even then God believed that hierarchies were the best way to go. So he opted to Create Adam...and Lillith. They were created at the same time, from the same substance, and received the breath of life as one. God introduced them to each other saying Adam, this is Lillith, your helpmate. Lillith, this is Adam your mate. Lillith noticed a problem in the fact that se was expected to help Adam, but he had no such obligation to her. But she kept quiet, deciding to examine this new environment that she was introduced to. The animals, and the things that swam and flew were presented to them, and Adam named each of them.
Lillith had meanwhile wandered off to see the plants and trees of the Garden. Lillith stopped at one tree, and feeling hunger, ate a fruit from it. ( Yeah THAT tree…*shrugs* how was she to know any better?? ) And with the awareness of the Fruit, she began to wonder… why does Adam get to do everything, and I am cast to the side? She was fully aware of their creation…from the same substance, and that they both received the breath of life as one…but somehow, she was cast aside. Lillith, having eaten the Fruit of Logic ( what did YOU think the fruit granted??) decided to wait, and see perhaps if there was SOMETHING that she would be called upon first to do.

They (Lillith, Adam & God) lived in the garden for a while, with Lillith always in the wings, waiting for her moment to arrive. Adam and God were close, always exploring and examining something new, and while Lillith was always THERE…she was never included. Then, one day Adam came to her and said ‘God has decided that it is time for you to fulfill your position, to do your duty’ Lillith, who had been waiting for this point for quite a while, rejoiced. ‘What is this position which I have been created for?’ she inquired, wondering what wondrous thing she was destined to do. Adam lay her on her back, and began to have sex with her. Lillith, confused, but enjoying it, aid nothing until he was done. He then told her ‘This is your position, on your back to receive my Seed, and on your back to bear my children.” Lillith was astonished to say the least, that of all the wondrous things that the word had presented them to do, she was destined to do only one.

She refused, saying that she was flesh of his flesh, and blood of his blood, and that she could not accept that God had created her for this single purpose. Adam informed her that it was God himself who had decided this, and that as his creation, she had no choice in the matter. Lillith, using her logic that the Fruit had granted her decided that there was always a choice, even if the other options were unpalatable and painful. Lillith then said “I will leave this garden, and find my own way, my own destiny, and my own God, who will allow me to explore the full ability of myself.” Adam, taken aback, cursed her for turning away from what God had ordered, and God cursed her to be forever feared, hated and viewed as an animal and cast her from the Garden. She left the Garden, and passed out of history.

But I think that Lillith lived off of the land, ( for the Garden was only a small part of Earth…but you knew that right? ) and learned from the animals, and the stars and the seas…and while she was lonely & alone, she was her own woman, fulfilling her own destiny. And, one day, she met another man, who was called Cain, and they lived together and produced children. And in the children they produced have come the extremes of society, from the simply demented psychopaths, to the frighteningly brilliant composers. You see, Adam and Eve created only duplicates of themselves, who believed that there were no other options other than what God offered, while Lillith and Cain produced children who believed that there was always another path.

And that is MY take on the legend of Lillith.

Of Paths and Meetings

Meeting of the minds, that is what the Internet should be. That is what chat, and email and all of the other forms of electronic communication SHOULD be about. It is a new way, a new paradigm of interacting with others, a way that may possibly pulll us (as a race – the human one) out of our blind insistence on classifying others by sex...or age.. or race/skin color. But.. this willl only happen when people stop classifying themselves that way. I...personally…am soooo freaking tired of someone IM’ing/ICQ’ing me and their first question is “what do you look like/do you have a picture?’ Really….what difference does it make? We will most likely never meet, and if we ever do meet.. we will be past the concerns of what you LOOK like…because our minds would have met and found each other pleasing.

And somehow.. very few people understand that…they assume that I am either 1) butt ugly 2) not a female or 3) trying to hide something. *sighs* and that really grates on me too. Because I choose not to display myself for any random freak on the netwaves…I have something to hide. Actually.. yes I do have something to hide. My self... my mind.

Anyhow… I guess this is a minor rant…what set me off was oddly enough the OD. Okay… I am sure that this is just me… but when I write in here, I write for ME. I know that people read it...and yeah.. I have to admit I check my notes daily…but I never write to pull people in...for admiration. I don’t know… this is my truth.. my private thoughts my utter honesty. And if others happen to stumble upon it and feel…something…then welll *shrugs* it happens. But it seems to be a travesty of… *thinks* a odd thing to write in your diary for other people. Especially if you mix the two…sometimes true…sometimes…attention grabbing. It’s odd. The diaries I enjoy the most are the ones in which there is truth… where people are dealing with themselves & the people they love (or hate) in a way that helps themselves. The diaries that I think are the BEST are not the ones that scream for attention...but the ones that quietly delve into themselves. *sighs* I don’t know.. I re-read my entries sometimes and realize ‘God.. I have SUCH A boring life’...but every bit of this life is mine own. Unadulterated… unfiltered…and in most ways unaffected by the fact that there are potentially millliiiooonnnnsss of people looking. Perhaps they will meet my mind…and find something to bring them joy.

Anyhow….today is my last day at work…and for some reason I decided to wear all white. I hate wearing all white because you have to be so vey very very aware of everything around you, which my be why those who are *thinks* being initiated onto the path of the Orisha have to wear all white. But I chose to wear it...because white in my mind has no connotations. If I had worn blue.. I would have had a more cheerful mindset… simply because I love blue. If I had worn all black.. I would have given off the idea that I am depressed.. but I wore all white… signifying a cleaning of all old things.. a new beginning. *deep breath* I’m still scared silly about school starting.. and having to interact with people…and.. having to live up to a standard that I could really care less about. But...this is my path that I have chosen to take…and so I have to suck it up and move on.

Paths…hmm. I was talking to the ONE new person I have met on ICQ that is worth any of my time yesterday...and he asked me what I would do if money was no object. *laughs* and I realized that I would spend very very little time in the United States. I would do a serious world tour…focusing on water & sun places…a few cold places simply to see the sky…and taking photographs the whole way. And in talking to him I remembered my life goal from when I was around.. *thins* oh… 14? 15? I wanted to be a photographer for National Geographic. *sighs* I just recently let my subscription lapse…simply because I *shrugs* can’t afford it. *argh* but I’m not going to talk about money right now. I’m wearing white and I can’t afford to gag all over myself.

Stay Jazzed.

Thursday, August 19, 1999

Dreamin a New World

I wanna curl up
in the infinity
that is your eyes
and humm a lullaby
that stretches from here
to there
and connects my heart to you
I wanna lay down
under you
and let your smell
enter me
move me
take me
awwwwwaaaayyyyy
I wanna love you
like never before
and like never again
and love you
everyday
the same way
I wanna be YOURS
in a way that stamps you all
over me
and my heart
and can never be erased.

damn. I have decided that my heart is actually in my stomach.. cuz EVERYTIME something happens.. emotionally stressful to me… my stomach hurts. And ever since I have come home from home *laughs* my stomach has been aching. Between being simply SCARED as shit about going ‘back’ to school… the worries about me taking on a leadership role in my sorority, and my money issues…. *sighs* I think I have actually lost weight. And… *sighs* I don’t know….It’s odd to have so much.. undirected worry. I have really.. no reason to worry. All I have to do is be sure to…handle my business and myself well.
*sighs* but like I have always said.. I have so little faith in myself…. *frowns* I just have all these GRADIOSE plans… and no freaking follow through. *sighs* but this isn’t gonna be a beat down or a bitch session.. no not at all… This was supposed to be an uplifting moment…or at least the beginning of one. *sighs* I felt this way when I left Tech too tho…just lost & adrift & shit.
For some reason I haven’t felt like writing much lately. I have been thinking about nothing really… I feel blank. blagh. like everything interesting has been wiped out of my head.. and what is left I’m not quite ready to put down on paper yet. I’m not ready to make them real…which is what recording something has always meant to me. Somehow you are making it more real.
I have been having some… incredible dreams lately. Sadly, I can’t really remember them.. I just know that they have been simply wondrous. I think that may be one of the reasons that I sleep so much.. I simply get sucked into the dream so much that I don’t want to get up...and I think that I want to go to sleep so that I can get sucked in… *sighs* I need to start keeping a dream journal next to my bed.
I feel myself slipping into a state of depression & withdrawal.. and I’m really trying to fight it tooth and nail… because I DON’T need to be.. I can’t be down while I’m starting school. I will be really really shooting myself in the foot. I may go and get some St. John’s Wort (yeah self dosing) and try taking that an a daily basis. and I NEED to take my ass to the gym again and start getting some endorphins flowing.
*sighs* but really… all I want to do is sleep….and

Stay Jazzed.

Wednesday, August 18, 1999

Surveys

1. Name: Aishah (at least the one I share)
2. Nickname(s): Mami
3. E-mail address: look at the diary description
4. Age: 22
5. Birthday: 01/13/1977
6. Sex (as in gender): female
7. ICQ #: see email
8. Social Security #: Oh… your JOKING right?
**Alright, let's move on to some favorites, and there are a lot of them.
9. NFL Team: wha?
10. NBA Team: huh?
11. Major League Baseball Team: who?
12. NHL Team: say wha?
13. Food: Medditerian, Indian
14. Cereal: Smart Start or Corn Pops
15. Type of Ice Cream: Dulce de Leche
16. Soda: Schwepps Gingerale
17. Brand of jeans: Gap Wide Leg
18. Shampoo: Ummm…hm it depends. Something that is VERY moisturizing
19. Store: Books: Borders Clothes: Value City Home Stuff: Pier 1
20. Color: BLUE
21. Season: Spring
22. Time of day: Night
23. Actor: none
24. Actress: none
25. Author: Mercedes Lackey at this time
26. Book: All of them….at this time
27. Board Game: Scrabble
28. Talk Show: *shrugs* Don’t watch them
29. Cartoon: Daria
30. Cartoon Character: Daria
31. Favorite time in your life thus far? High School
32. What is one thing you could live without? bills
33. Now, how about the one thing you couldn't live without? books
34. Do you own any collections; and if so, of what? music and books
35. What is your one obsession (and believe me, we all have one)? Houses
36. Birthstone: Garnet
37. Astrological Sign: Capricorn
38. Favorite Type of Flower: roses
39. Best Smell: Egyptian Musk
40. Worst Smell: sour trash
41. Best Band: band? *siiigggghhs*
42. Worst Band: see above
43. Best Commercial: don’t know
44. Worst Commercial: most of them
45. Would you rather go to school or work for $1 hour? School..add a couple of zeros to that figure and ya might geta different answer
46. Do you enjoy snow or water skiing more? Water. The UNFROZEN kind
47. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Ummmm 12? 15?
48. How often do you clip your fingernails? Never. I LIKE them long
49. Who do you watch: Leno or Letterman? Neither
50. If you could have one special power, what would it be? To make myself look like aything/anyoneI wanted to.
51. Best morning news program? I listen to the radio in the morning
52. Name the one thing you put on everyday (besides underwear): my silver. But then again, I never take it off
53. When's the last time you went to the doctor (not including physicals)?: *thinks* I’m assuming that includes GYN visits…so it has been a couple of years.
54. How many hours of sleep do you average during school? 4-7 hours
55. During the summer? 6-10 hours.
56. What position do you sleep in? On my side
57. How many covers do you use? One (down comforter or sheet)
58. How many pillows do you use? 2 & a teddy bear
59. What is the size of your bed? Full
60. What do you sleep in? If I’m alone in my home – nude. If I have a platonic guest – a tee shirt If I have a non platonic guest – nude
61. Best CD? Too hard to decide, but TLC’s FanMail isa favorite
62. Favorite soundtrack? Love Jones
63. Favorite Song? Silly Ho, by TLC or My Love is You Love by Whitney Houston
64. Song you're embarrassed to admit you like? The Macarena
66. Least favorite movies? Anything gory
67. How many movies did you see in the past year? *shrugs* 20?
68. How many of those were in the movie theater? 10?
69. Favorite comedy TV show?: The Steve Harvey Show
70. Drama TV show?: Buffy, the Vampire Slayer/Ally McBeal (or is that a comedy?)
71. Sci-Fi TV show?: Star Trek: The Next Generation
72. Worst TV shows?: Almost everything else…Charmed.
73. Prom-is it all its cracked up to be? Mine? No….my best friends’ (at that point) oh YES
74. How often do you pray?: rarely.
75. Do you prefer a comb/brush/or pick?: Comb …brushes don’t work in my hair
76. Pen or pencil?: Pen
77. Do you have pets; and if so, what?: nope
78. What has been the best trip that you've taken?: Niagra Falls
79. Name the least favorite chore you are made to do: Cleaning the BAthroom
80. The chore that you tolerate the most: washing dishes
81. What was your favorite toy as a child? Legos
82. Do you believe in fate?: Yes
83. Love at first sight?: Yes
84. That there's a certain person out there for you somewhere?: Yes
85. How about UFO's?: Yes. How else did I get here? .
86. Ghosts?
87. Reincarnation?: Yes.
88. Angels?: Yes
89. Horoscopes?: Sometimes
90. Abortion?: A choice I PRAY (see there is one time) I never have to make
91. Pre-Marital Sex?: Yes. : - )
92. Y2K?: *shrugs* well yeah.

Wednesday, August 11, 1999

Floating

Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for,
but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny,
but to accept.
To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes,
and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.


I’m letting go… I’m releasing it all. All I can carry is me. All I can hold is what can fit in my hands…I can’t share someone else’s burden…nor can I try to give mine to someone else. I’m pushing free…and floating in my own sea.
*sighs* to do any less is unfair to me.
to do any more is unfair to me.
and I AM the keeper of my own ways.

Sunday, August 8, 1999

A New Road to Hoe...

listen
to the sound
of a heart
breaking into
three
dropping everything to
catch the pieces
before they fall
and roll away
I read a tale today
and heard the sound
but moved too slow
and my heart lay on the ground

I don’t know how to start this.. or how to finish it.. over even where somewhere is in the middle that I could jump in and work my way out from there. *laughs* sometimes I tend to forget what ‘this’ is… and other times it is all I can think about. How can I translate what is only a blurry mental image into words that can convey not just what I see but what I feel…how can I describe top you a point that I have reached only be being so totally and utterly myself that if I strayed from being myself…because I was the one doing I was still myself? Confusing huh? yeah.. and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I can’t compile myself into a story short enough to fit here…to understand me fully would take a tale that is 22 years long…and my the time it was done…parts of it would be outright lies.. and parts would be simply antiquated. *sighs* some things cannot be expressed or understood my anything other than the heart.
This is my story
This is my life
This is my heart
This is my love(s)
and so much more too…
I cleaned my room yesterday, and in the process of cleaning… found and Old OLD journal of mine… as I was putting in away.. a card fell out of it. I wads from MJW… from a few years ago. And as I read it.. I realized that what I was asking for...he had…in his own way already given to me. *laughs* I wonder if he remembers… I wonder why I didn’t remember. *sighs* anyway…. I slid the card back in my journal…and dreamed of him last night. It was a dream along the lines of the ones I had before the break…and in that way I guess my heart was telling my mind that all was well. Now that THAT connection is healed… *looks around* I have to complete the delving into myself.
I had actually slowed down on my goddess search.. there was too much around me pulling me in other directions. Now all I have to worry about/think on is my last few days at work.. and my rapidly approaching school times. *deep breaths* I think that I will come up with some mediations for school before it starts. *shakes head* I already know that I can’t allow other folx ideas of when I should be done and how I should be done affect my own journey. *deep breath* This is MY life…and I will have to deal with each and every one of the decisions that I make. *deeper breath* whoo….. This WILL be interesting…..

Stay Jazzed.

Wednesday, August 4, 1999

Dance Fever....

Okay…confusion confession.

We went to a club on *thinks* Sunday Night.. right after Final Performance. Me..MJW…Nee (who had FINALLY made it back) and three of the other counselors. It was a little club… but very nice.. Kinda empty, but I’m assuming that Sunday was just a slow night. Okay.. anyhow.. how can I explain this? *sighs* me & MJW danced…*laughs* and that was cool.. but *sighs* I don’t know… I felt like I was dancing with an entirely different person. As much of a writer as I try be I can’t put this into words…we danced like mad people… twisting and twining and holding on for dear life. We danced like this was the last & first dance of a life time…we danced until we sweated and sighed…and then held on like ship wreck victims to each other to dance some more. We danced to reggae…hip hop…bounce...house…techno...everything… we danced for almost 3 hours straight…never once stopping to catch our breaths. We danced like lovers who have never touched…and like friends who share a heart. We danced…front to back… back to front… front to front...side to side… holding and hugging and touching and grasping.. *sighs* Dear god I have never danced like that before…and I don’t know if I will ever dance like that again.
So what is the problem you ask? Simple…and not so simple. I wonder where that dancing came from.. that dance had depth and emotion and…*sighs* all kinds of underwater things going into it. The dance was sensual…and just a little sexual. *sighs* and the problem is.. I don’t know if he knew. There was one time when he grabbed my hands and pulled my arms into the air… and I think I would have collapsed from the wave of utter…amazement & heat that swept over me…if I hadn’t already been leaning up against him…*sighs* So my problem? I don’t know how to fit that in with the rest of him. With the icy cool & silent person I rode home with later that night. *sighs* Damn Pisces. And this is making it no better…. ARGHHHHH…

Stay Jazzed.

Tuesday, August 3, 1999

3 A.M. in The Garden of Love & Pain

I wrote this earrrrlllly this morning as I was fighting sleep something terrible

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so damn nosy. And sometimes…I wonder if I am not probing enough.

I read something that I don’t think…helll that I KNOW I wasn’t supposed to see because it just confused the hell out of me. I refuse to believe that the author of the words is the same person whose handwriting it was in...the person that I (thought/think I) knew. It just wouldn’t work…it wouldn’t make logical or emotional sense.
It’s strange being around him. I realize that the friendship that I am trying to save/renew is based totally on the past…as I deal with old friends, I am always forced to ask myself - if I had met this person today and not blank years ago, would I become friends with them? and the answer with Nee has always been a wholehearted YES…but with MJW...sometimes I’m not sure. He is such a hard nut to crack. One moment cool, silent and distant…and the next moment lavish in his affections. And I don’t trust what I can’t be certain of. Capriciousness was never really one of my favorite things in people.
Somehow…I feel like being here HAS been a turning point for me & not in the direction I expected. It was a turning away…my last day here & I was in a delicious funk as I felt myself slowly & finally & hopefully almost permanently…letting go. I felt myself settling into a new space, a new state of relating to him. The TRIO has changed. We have all grown in different ways, and I don’t know if we still fit together. We don’t really KNOW each other anymore. Me & Nee.. yeah okay. We spent a summer together & because of that we have grown to learn the new & older us So we have adjusted our perceptions of each other to the point at which we are now seeing the selves that we are now, rather than the selves we used to be. MJW however, has been left out of that loop, & I know that some of the ideas/ perceptions that I have of him are outdated, but we haven’t had time for any updates. *sighs* and then… CAK has been on my mind all weekend. I’m not ready to fully fall in love with him. I think…with total honesty, that we would break each others heart right now. I am not caring & giving & sympathetic enough to handle him on a daily basis. I would not be able to fulfill the needs that he has that I would feel that I needed to fulfill as his woman. He doesn’t have a thick enough skin to handle my selfish points, and I can’t constantly pull punches.. *sighs* But I’m feeling him sliding into that portion of my heart.
*sighs* And I am so ready… goddess I want to fall in love.. I want to be loved & treasured and sometimes I think that I am just not ready for it. I am so NOT together in me right now.. I have so much else going on… but at the same time I am reaching for others. I am growing & expanding and trying to branch out into a whole nother realm of BEING. Sometimes… I feel myself arching up and growing. I feel like if I had a sprit plant I would be ivy. Stretchin and creeping…reaching and growing…always arching towards the sun, and always striving to hold as much as possible in my grasp.
dammit I want to be come a holder of hearts. a treasurer of sacred spaces and secret dreams. I want to be a repository of dreams.. and a mirror of fantasies. but I have to be able to hold all of mine first…and that is my problem. I’m still not sure what my dreams & wishes are. I feel like I need to strip myself down to the bone.. to the pure basic essence of who & what I am.. and then slowly rebuild myself. *sighs* I…I want to go on a *thinks* I don’t know what it is called… a dream walk and vision quest. I have considered fasting… but *shrugs* I barely eat now so that wouldn’t help much. I KNOW the way to strip down to my totally basic self.. but I can’t afford to go without sleep for any extended period of time right now. *sighs* Ah well….. I’m going to wander off back into the garden of my heart again…and try to prune back my trees a little….

Stay Jazzed

Friday, July 30, 1999

Love don't Love you...

I’m going home this weekend. Whoo. Yeah.. me.. I’m going home this weekend. To see my grandmother, and to see Final Performance at Upward Bound…and to see MJW. I’m not nervous. I’m not even scared. Apprehensive? Maybe… I feel like my going home now is about to have me turn a corner I’m not sure if I am ready to face. I have come to a bridge that I’m not sure if I am ready to SEE much less cross. And yet…if our history stands good…nothing will change. It will be like any other time…me aching to see him, him cool, calm & ever so fucking collected. And the images of things that his boyfriend has inserted into my head of times when he is…not… *shakes head* some things you just don’t need to know.
He calls me sister.
I’m done. That is all I have to say about that.

I have been having the oddest series of dreams lately.
Psychosomatic hint – when you get a gentle throbbing headache at the THOUGHT of actually fully and totally letting yourself fall in love…there is a problem.



I want to be in love
wrapped in it like a wool
blanket
soft and irritating
all at once
I want to be in love
like a fish in tea
knowing everything is so right
but something is so wrong too
I want to be IN love
like drowning in air
knowing that something so
impossible
presents a mental puzzle
that will take me a lifetime
to solve
I want to be in love
like a perfect day
that is created
with no help from me
but
just the ability to see it
I want to be in love
until I can’t breathe
until I can’t speak
until I can’t see
because I am hiding
under the covers
of my love filled
bed

I want to fall in love
like falling into a tar pit
sticky
warm
and utterly inescapable
I want to fall in love
with the perfect man
for someone else
and the perfect fit
for me
I want to fall in love
like a egg
dropped from the 13th floor
changed
into something utterly different
and better
in some ways
than it was before
I want to fall in love
again
for good
forever
with someBODY
who wants to fall in love too
I want to fall in love
for all the wrong reasons
and with all the right intentions
and somehow
make it all come up
dandelions.

I know.....

I’ve decided just what to do with myself. I’m going to take life slow now. Take my time in doing the things that I want to do, to be sure that I do them right like I should have done the first time. I’m going to take love slow, sex slow, relationships slow, school slow, EVERYTHING slow. Not slow in the sense that I won’t do it.. or will drag my feet, but slow in the sense that I won’t rush it. I won’t greenhouse my life, trying to force experiences and people and tings to come to me before they are ready. I’m going to wait until it is ripe to reach for it, wait until it is full and whole and complete. I’m going to fill up every step & every breath of my life with development & purpose – To take life at it’s fullest.

I know I’m impatient. I want things now…and preferably yesterday. I know I’m not good at the long haul...or at seeing the big picture. I know that I’m focused on a few things to the almost exclusion of all others. I know that I love too easy & too much…sometimes. I know that I ask for too little sometimes…and give too much. I know that my silence can hurt…and my temper can wound. I know that I have a long way to go to get where I THINK I might want to be…and I also know that for all I know…I might be there already. I know that for me…holding on is harder than letting go…and letting go is sometimes impossible…even when the other person is gone. I know that I have bright eyes…which hide little from those who know me well. but…..

I think I know how to wait…when waiting is all you can do. I know I’m strong enough for the long haul…even as I curse every step of it. I know the big picture is there…and that I AM a part of a lot more than me. I know I love fully and freely…and I try to resist the urge to hold back because of pain. I know that sometimes…silence is the only way to control my temper. I know that I am happy here…and I think I will be happy with where I am tomorrow. I know that letting go…sometimes helps you to hold on…and that people….like me do change and come back. I know I have a silent heart…that whispers to me what will truly make me happy.

Stay Jazzed.