Dust Bunnies of The Heart

*sighs & stretches* Well… a bit of empirical evidence and I think I have made my decision.
I had sex with JEH last night… and it had to be the … *thinks* strangest thing imaginable. I… *shakes head* I am a very open & out going & *thinks* totally free person…but for the first time ever...having sex made me feel… dirty. Within myself… without anyone else’s opinions or thought affecting that balance. I hated it…. without a doubt.. without a side note.. without a second thought…. *sighs* I ain’t sure why I feel this way.. and I’m not even sure if it matters. I just do… and it isn’t even the fact that I didn’t remain celibate (which is PROMPTLY back on track).. it was just the feeling that there was something so wrong in something that once was so right…..

This is starting to scare me… *sighs* I mean…. I don’t know… It is like something within me is changing and I don’t even know what it is.. all I know is that this change is heading onward whether I understand it or not. It feels like….rebirth….and somehow it will all eventually make sense.

I know that all day… well at least the part of the day when I wasn’t out and about and doing stuff.. when I had quiet time I just felt.. unclean… like I needed to scrub my soul out. *sighs* I don’t know… I feel so uncentered and so… unright. *sighs* I feel like apologizing to myself for doing it… for letting him convince me to do something that I wasn’t really wanting to do.. I feel like I need to beg forgiveness of my spirit…and I need to build myself back up…from a point that I had reached without even being aware I was approaching it…

Anyhow… today was the first day of classes. *sighs* I think this semester will be hard as hell….but fun. somehow I feel like a freshman again… when everything was new and incredible and amazing somehow… and all I wanted to do was learn. I have to pick up some other skills as well.. (classes that I SHOULD have taken but haven’t) and I think that … with a LOT of hard work...and some guidance, and some peer support and some determination I will make it through. I don’t see myself graduating in May 2000 tho…because that would require me taking almost 25 hours next semester and THAT particular scenario of madness ain’t happening.
Hmm…. what else? I have been seeing A LOT of folx from school in the last few days.. folx who have actually been in the city but who I simply haven’t seen… it is kinda cool…I know more people than I thought I did. The money situation is getting kinda tight because the PLUS loan hasn’t come through yet, and I still don’t have a for-certain job pulling a paycheck although I have three of them lined up so far. *sighs* none of them have PERFECT hours… but I will take what I can get.


*sighs* I feel so thoroughly CRAPPY right now. I want to crawl into bed and just melt away. *gags* but instead I think I will turn on some Janet…and clean my house…the physical one at least… I think the mental & spiritual one will take a little more work.

Stay Jazzed.