3 A.M. in The Garden of Love & Pain

I wrote this earrrrlllly this morning as I was fighting sleep something terrible

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so damn nosy. And sometimes…I wonder if I am not probing enough.

I read something that I don’t think…helll that I KNOW I wasn’t supposed to see because it just confused the hell out of me. I refuse to believe that the author of the words is the same person whose handwriting it was in...the person that I (thought/think I) knew. It just wouldn’t work…it wouldn’t make logical or emotional sense.
It’s strange being around him. I realize that the friendship that I am trying to save/renew is based totally on the past…as I deal with old friends, I am always forced to ask myself - if I had met this person today and not blank years ago, would I become friends with them? and the answer with Nee has always been a wholehearted YES…but with MJW...sometimes I’m not sure. He is such a hard nut to crack. One moment cool, silent and distant…and the next moment lavish in his affections. And I don’t trust what I can’t be certain of. Capriciousness was never really one of my favorite things in people.
Somehow…I feel like being here HAS been a turning point for me & not in the direction I expected. It was a turning away…my last day here & I was in a delicious funk as I felt myself slowly & finally & hopefully almost permanently…letting go. I felt myself settling into a new space, a new state of relating to him. The TRIO has changed. We have all grown in different ways, and I don’t know if we still fit together. We don’t really KNOW each other anymore. Me & Nee.. yeah okay. We spent a summer together & because of that we have grown to learn the new & older us So we have adjusted our perceptions of each other to the point at which we are now seeing the selves that we are now, rather than the selves we used to be. MJW however, has been left out of that loop, & I know that some of the ideas/ perceptions that I have of him are outdated, but we haven’t had time for any updates. *sighs* and then… CAK has been on my mind all weekend. I’m not ready to fully fall in love with him. I think…with total honesty, that we would break each others heart right now. I am not caring & giving & sympathetic enough to handle him on a daily basis. I would not be able to fulfill the needs that he has that I would feel that I needed to fulfill as his woman. He doesn’t have a thick enough skin to handle my selfish points, and I can’t constantly pull punches.. *sighs* But I’m feeling him sliding into that portion of my heart.
*sighs* And I am so ready… goddess I want to fall in love.. I want to be loved & treasured and sometimes I think that I am just not ready for it. I am so NOT together in me right now.. I have so much else going on… but at the same time I am reaching for others. I am growing & expanding and trying to branch out into a whole nother realm of BEING. Sometimes… I feel myself arching up and growing. I feel like if I had a sprit plant I would be ivy. Stretchin and creeping…reaching and growing…always arching towards the sun, and always striving to hold as much as possible in my grasp.
dammit I want to be come a holder of hearts. a treasurer of sacred spaces and secret dreams. I want to be a repository of dreams.. and a mirror of fantasies. but I have to be able to hold all of mine first…and that is my problem. I’m still not sure what my dreams & wishes are. I feel like I need to strip myself down to the bone.. to the pure basic essence of who & what I am.. and then slowly rebuild myself. *sighs* I…I want to go on a *thinks* I don’t know what it is called… a dream walk and vision quest. I have considered fasting… but *shrugs* I barely eat now so that wouldn’t help much. I KNOW the way to strip down to my totally basic self.. but I can’t afford to go without sleep for any extended period of time right now. *sighs* Ah well….. I’m going to wander off back into the garden of my heart again…and try to prune back my trees a little….

Stay Jazzed