Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.

I'm on the VERGE of tears at work because Twin1 on my team is doing her usual thing of taking over anything she touches and excluding everyone but Twin2, and I was dreadfully embarassed when someone came to me for an update, and I had that 'caught in the headlights' look.

Do I think she's doing it on purpose? I don't know - she's always been like this (and always the loudest one complaining about how BUSY she is) so no, I don't think she's trying to sabatoge me. She's doing a bloody good accidental job of it, though.

This week has simply sucked, basically. C is being - funny. I don't know what the heck is up with him, and he's made some new online buddy, and.......

Gods, I'm so tired of - just everything. It feels so fucking POINTLESS, and I don't know why. I'm truly just going through the motions because I don't know what else TO do. The delirious fantasy of quitting has danced though my head on a daily basis this week - which, among choices I've made (or considered making) that would be pretty high on the dumbasfuck scale...

It's gotten so bad, that this morning driving to work, I understood why so many people - esp. the opressed & downtrodden, fall so hard for the concept of a perfect Heaven. It gives an ending to the bullshit - and the promise that after you finish plodding through it all, you'll be rewarded. Just KNOWING that there is an end in sight makes suffering through anything easier.

Hrm. Even the potential of there being an end makes me feel better. I feel - very trapped, lately.

And fuck me sideways, this moodswings are INSANE. I don't even feel like writing anymore, because I feel better.

*tear*

Can I has my brain back, plz? kthx.

Rodeo

Whooohooo!!

Mood swings galore!

Repressed tears!

No good reason!

Had ice cream last night - wonder if that bothered my hormones. And seriously, is it even possible to have an allergic reaction that screws with hormones? I mean, really?

*headthump*

Whatever it is, I don't bloody want to be here (I don't really want to be anywhere, (contrary, much?) but if I HAD to be somewhere, unconsious in my bed would be the best choice, personally.

I hate, hate, hate feeling like this. Just - pointless. That's what it is.

I think I'll work on my defining moments more - I'm already miserable feeling, a little retroactive misery on top of that won't be too bad.

*sigh*

Hi. My name's Eeyore.

fragile

So many things have me feeling fragile, lately.



Second Realm is chipping at my boundaries, and I like it about as much as I'm terrified of it. This book (Self Matters) is rather - pointed in it's utter disregard for holy cows or boundaries of any sort. I'll have to start devoting more time to the homework - my usual habits of procrastination are serving me poorly, to be honest.



TTC'ing is - going. It's taken on it's own sort of rhythm now, I think - a sort of ebb and flow of anticipation, hope, and depression. My own personal rollercoaster ride.



We've officially been refered to a fertility specialist - our appt with him will be right in the middle of our 'official' TTC for a year cycle - how ironic, eh?



So far, I've checked out clear - C, on the other hand, had 'low volume'. We haven't been able to pin down if they were complaining about the sample size, or if they are directly refering to the swimmers. We'll find out in a month or so, I suppose.



The seasons are changing too - warmth coming back (the crocuses have sprouted! - I promise to take a picture of them draped in ice), and - I don't know.



There's a sad sort of sweetness draped over everything - a semi-consious awareness of the fragility of EVERYTHING - and it's not - usual for me. My heart is tender and exposed and while it's quite delightful, it's most disquieting at the same time.



I've been spurting bits and pieces of creativity in the form of an official hairblog (thanks for going down, LHC - otherwise, I might have never left the nest), and I'm - I'm looking forward to starting to write. I can't even say starting to write again, because I don't think I ever really wholeheartedly STARTED.

*sigh*

So - life is well. It's good. I'm looking forward to it getting better.

The Bitch Stirs

I don't know what else to call it/her/that side. ShadowSelf, maybe? Heh, wouldn't that be interesting - I need to go and do some more reading on the shadowself.

Anyhow. I'm - murrph. I don't know. I think I'm sick of people. *lol* It's so 'high and mighty' and hoity-toity, but - gods! It's just - *sigh* - personal perceptions are always different, ain't they? And emotions are never logical. And maybe if I freaked/flipped out more, I would be a better rounded person.

But bloody hell, does it ever get on ones nerves!

I want a cigarette - and we all know that means I'm stretched a wee bit thinner than I should be - patience/tolerance-wise.

We are looking into re-financing the house, to try and take advantage of the lower interest rates - working with the fellow who did the first loan, and we might be able to drop a whole point, which would be utterly fabulous!

I still haven't done our budget. I think - I think maybe I'll at least start pulling stuff tonight - I ran our credit reports today, so that will be a place to start - I think I have pretty impressive credit - and THANKFULLY the little 'lates' on the HD card (the whores, shifting bloody payment dates!) aren't showing up, as that would ding me, quite nicely. DH's credit is - thin. Both figuratively and literally - all three of his reports is barely as thick as one of mine. Something semi-scary I realized - MOST of the debt we have is in my name. I haven't yet determined if that's wise - of course, most of our debt is also wrapped up in the house, so - I don't know. And if the re-fi goes well, DH will be on the mortgage too, so - that should be - okay, I guess.

The amount of revolving credit we have scares the shit out of me though - we have WAY too much of that - WAY too much. Okay, true, true, that includes a lawnmower, a treadmill, a dishwasher, new countertops, and two vacations - but STILL. It's a good chunk more than I am comfy with - we are definitely past our '9 month payoff' level - we've exceeded our personal credit level.

Speaking of which - we had a 'discussion' last night. DH had Forbes, and had it open to the 2008 blahblahskippy BMW, and said 'See, this is why I wanted to get this magazine, so that I will know what's out there to want' - basically. I - well, I had issues with that statement, asking him why he wanted an 60K car, and he said he didn't really want the car, he wanted the lifestyle the car represented. I then replied that the 'true' millionaires don't drive cars like that, and what that car really represents is a high disregard for the actual value of money - bloody 80 grand on a depreciating asset! WTF?
Anyhow, he got all stuffy and accused me of refusing to acknowledge goals that I don't agree with - whereas my intentions were to clarify exactly what sort of 'lifestyle' the car represented. To me, the 'lifestyle' that would allow you to have 60K even semi-liquid is NOT the 'lifestyle' of the average person who actually drives that car.

But then, maybe that more reflects our love of credit than anything else.

And from the Past

A major side effect of attempting to screw with some one else’s life is that unless you are still close to the person, there is no way to tell just how aggravated you are making them without blowing your cover.

Ah. And then, out of the darkness of the internet, comes a greeting. Hm. This should be fun.


JEH: Hi.
Jazzy: hello.
JEH: How are you?
Jazzy: I’m fine…and you.
JEH: Okay I guess…I miss you
Jazzy: you guess? You miss me?
JEH: yes i miss...1) we haven`t spoken in almost 6 months 2) you mean so much to me that my life feels incomplete with out you in it in someway
Jazzy: Oh. I see.


This is one of those points in life where if I was a witch I would have to clasp the three-fold rule tightly to myself in order to not call something big, ugly and booga boogie down on him.


JEH: do you still not like me?
Jazzy: *laughs* *thinks* Not like you? hm. yes...I suppose you could say that.

And honestly, it’s the truth. I don’t like him, and I don’t not like him either. I just want something from him that he will never be able to give me, and that is a pass to the past so that the events and episodes of the period from February to April of this year would just fade away. But since I can’t have that…I just have a bitterness and anger at the rift that was brought on by my stupidity and his betrayal.


JEH: i am sorry...i guess i thought time would heal the rift between us
Jazzy: time? yes...enough time will heal the rift...but considering the fact that we might have had a week old baby right now doesn't make this quite the right time...


Too harsh? No… maybe I am trying to shift some of the pain that I feel from me and onto him. It was my choice, and I cold have chosen to have a week old child right now. But I chose not to, largely because I didn’t want to have a child without a father. I can live with that, and I am living with that knowledge every day. Maybe that is really what I want…just to know that once a week…once every few months…that he thinks about what could have been, and what he lost, and feels some pain.


JEH: I see.
Jazzy: Do you?


Maybe I’m being to hard…trying to hurt him. Actually, yeah I am. I want him to curl up and cry some nights because of loss, and back-stabbing and feeling like something that he thought was solid and forever turns out to be a situation of convenience.


JEH: there seems to be nothing i can say or do to reconcile this matter with you, i wish i had the right answers but i don`t
Jazzy: hm. I don't think there is a 'right' answer. From the moment that you decided you were not 'ready' to handle me being pregnant, to the moment that you 'overslept'...there was nothing that could be done to make things 'right' between us. A line was crossed that can't be un-crossed, and I don't think it can even be re-drawn. yeah. I'm still bitter as hell. Not about the abortion itself...because I made that choice...and I didn't HAVE to choose it. I'm bitter because the man that I thought was my best friend turned out to be such a scrub when something important came up.


Really…I don’t think I ever asked for too much. All I ever really wanted was someone who I could DEPEND on...through thick and thin, through all that mattered and some stuff that didn’t. Maybe I was looking for a husband in a friend…or is dependability a required quality in a friend or a lover? And what are the rules when the friend is a lover, and yet there is no ‘real’ relationship there? I know there is nothing he can say, because the only thing that can be expressed in words is sorry…and really, sorry ain’t shit. Do? Hm. The problem has not been what he has done, but more what he did not do.


JEH: ok, i am still not ready to handle you being pregnant, and though it sounds lame i did oversleep. i never had a reason to lie to you or deceive you before i won`t create such nonsense now. nor will i give you some false since of security that i cannot back up. and if all this makes me a scrub then so be it.
Jazzy: I never thought that you lied to me...or decieved me really. The false sense of security? *shrugs* I guess that is where what you were offering and what I thought you were offering got blurred. Seems like I remember a man who said he was my best friend and would do anything for me...then something big and scary and life changing came up...and POOF! you were gone. But it was never really stated in words was it? It was just sort of implied by our relationship...
*sighs*
so I guess really...when it all comes down to the line...it's my fault hm? I should have known that when it comes to doing ‘anything’ for a person...that it only counts as long as it is something easy. See... I always thought that what we had went WAYYY beyond just the easy.. and I and sad and hurt and bitter as fuck to find out that I was wrong.


Ugh. Thank god I’m at work so I can’t sit here and cry like I want to. That is what it really all boils down to…I’m mad because I got took…I got pulled into a state of security and thought we had it all together and then BAM! The rain started and he was no where to be found.

JEH: now that is not entirely true. i know this was big. and every morning i wake up questioning myself on whether or not the decision that was made was the right one. i have looked at this from both sides as best as possible. and i when i finally come to up with something i feel like shit. why should i feel this way when i my heart and mind tell me that that right thing was done. but one thing still bothers me, why would you not marry me?
Jazzy: Because as much as I loved you, I would have been marrying you to hold on to you to insure that my child would have a father, and not because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you…and that would not have been fair to either one of us. Besides all that…if you were not ready to be a father, not even that…but ready to deal with the idea that you were going to be a father…how is god’s good name would you have magically matured into someone who could be a good husband?


Ah…that one came out of left field. I remember telling him that he was not to ask me to marry him just because I was pregnant…if he wasn’t going to ask me to marry him before that, I’d be damned if I would marry him ‘just because’. *sighs* Besides…I would have killed him in a matter of months. *sighs*


JEH: I know the subject matter between us is not the best of things right now, but talking to you has lifted my spirits. I have to get back to campus for classes. I am not running out on this. I would like to continue to talk to you about this. Is it ok if I can call you?
Jazzy: Um. *sighs* Yeah. I guess so. I am not going to be able to talk at work, and I won't be home for most of the next two weeks (except for the weekends)...so maybe emails or on here would be better. You can try to catch me...***-***-****


ARGH! What possessed me to do that? *sighs* I don’t know…maybe deep deep deep inside I want to forgive? Maybe I need to forgive in order to let go and move on? Maybe the big bad karma patrol is going to hem my ass up if I don’t? *sighs* Maybe I just want to give the past a chance to finally lay its head down and rest…or die depending on how you want to look at it.

Stay Jazzed.

A New Road to Hoe...

listen
to the sound
of a heart
breaking into
three
dropping everything to
catch the pieces
before they fall
and roll away
I read a tale today
and heard the sound
but moved too slow
and my heart lay on the ground

I don’t know how to start this.. or how to finish it.. over even where somewhere is in the middle that I could jump in and work my way out from there. *laughs* sometimes I tend to forget what ‘this’ is… and other times it is all I can think about. How can I translate what is only a blurry mental image into words that can convey not just what I see but what I feel…how can I describe top you a point that I have reached only be being so totally and utterly myself that if I strayed from being myself…because I was the one doing I was still myself? Confusing huh? yeah.. and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I can’t compile myself into a story short enough to fit here…to understand me fully would take a tale that is 22 years long…and my the time it was done…parts of it would be outright lies.. and parts would be simply antiquated. *sighs* some things cannot be expressed or understood my anything other than the heart.
This is my story
This is my life
This is my heart
This is my love(s)
and so much more too…
I cleaned my room yesterday, and in the process of cleaning… found and Old OLD journal of mine… as I was putting in away.. a card fell out of it. I wads from MJW… from a few years ago. And as I read it.. I realized that what I was asking for...he had…in his own way already given to me. *laughs* I wonder if he remembers… I wonder why I didn’t remember. *sighs* anyway…. I slid the card back in my journal…and dreamed of him last night. It was a dream along the lines of the ones I had before the break…and in that way I guess my heart was telling my mind that all was well. Now that THAT connection is healed… *looks around* I have to complete the delving into myself.
I had actually slowed down on my goddess search.. there was too much around me pulling me in other directions. Now all I have to worry about/think on is my last few days at work.. and my rapidly approaching school times. *deep breaths* I think that I will come up with some mediations for school before it starts. *shakes head* I already know that I can’t allow other folx ideas of when I should be done and how I should be done affect my own journey. *deep breath* This is MY life…and I will have to deal with each and every one of the decisions that I make. *deeper breath* whoo….. This WILL be interesting…..

Stay Jazzed.

3 A.M. in The Garden of Love & Pain

I wrote this earrrrlllly this morning as I was fighting sleep something terrible

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so damn nosy. And sometimes…I wonder if I am not probing enough.

I read something that I don’t think…helll that I KNOW I wasn’t supposed to see because it just confused the hell out of me. I refuse to believe that the author of the words is the same person whose handwriting it was in...the person that I (thought/think I) knew. It just wouldn’t work…it wouldn’t make logical or emotional sense.
It’s strange being around him. I realize that the friendship that I am trying to save/renew is based totally on the past…as I deal with old friends, I am always forced to ask myself - if I had met this person today and not blank years ago, would I become friends with them? and the answer with Nee has always been a wholehearted YES…but with MJW...sometimes I’m not sure. He is such a hard nut to crack. One moment cool, silent and distant…and the next moment lavish in his affections. And I don’t trust what I can’t be certain of. Capriciousness was never really one of my favorite things in people.
Somehow…I feel like being here HAS been a turning point for me & not in the direction I expected. It was a turning away…my last day here & I was in a delicious funk as I felt myself slowly & finally & hopefully almost permanently…letting go. I felt myself settling into a new space, a new state of relating to him. The TRIO has changed. We have all grown in different ways, and I don’t know if we still fit together. We don’t really KNOW each other anymore. Me & Nee.. yeah okay. We spent a summer together & because of that we have grown to learn the new & older us So we have adjusted our perceptions of each other to the point at which we are now seeing the selves that we are now, rather than the selves we used to be. MJW however, has been left out of that loop, & I know that some of the ideas/ perceptions that I have of him are outdated, but we haven’t had time for any updates. *sighs* and then… CAK has been on my mind all weekend. I’m not ready to fully fall in love with him. I think…with total honesty, that we would break each others heart right now. I am not caring & giving & sympathetic enough to handle him on a daily basis. I would not be able to fulfill the needs that he has that I would feel that I needed to fulfill as his woman. He doesn’t have a thick enough skin to handle my selfish points, and I can’t constantly pull punches.. *sighs* But I’m feeling him sliding into that portion of my heart.
*sighs* And I am so ready… goddess I want to fall in love.. I want to be loved & treasured and sometimes I think that I am just not ready for it. I am so NOT together in me right now.. I have so much else going on… but at the same time I am reaching for others. I am growing & expanding and trying to branch out into a whole nother realm of BEING. Sometimes… I feel myself arching up and growing. I feel like if I had a sprit plant I would be ivy. Stretchin and creeping…reaching and growing…always arching towards the sun, and always striving to hold as much as possible in my grasp.
dammit I want to be come a holder of hearts. a treasurer of sacred spaces and secret dreams. I want to be a repository of dreams.. and a mirror of fantasies. but I have to be able to hold all of mine first…and that is my problem. I’m still not sure what my dreams & wishes are. I feel like I need to strip myself down to the bone.. to the pure basic essence of who & what I am.. and then slowly rebuild myself. *sighs* I…I want to go on a *thinks* I don’t know what it is called… a dream walk and vision quest. I have considered fasting… but *shrugs* I barely eat now so that wouldn’t help much. I KNOW the way to strip down to my totally basic self.. but I can’t afford to go without sleep for any extended period of time right now. *sighs* Ah well….. I’m going to wander off back into the garden of my heart again…and try to prune back my trees a little….

Stay Jazzed

What do you do....

What do you do:

When the man you love makes your stomach hurt?
When you know you are losing something…but don’t know what or how to keep it there?
When the lover you never had gets a girlfriend?
When the sister you never had…drives you crazy?
When you realize the no mater how much money you make…life will still suck sometimes?
When all that matters… is the next way to forget that you exist?
When you realize how & why people become addicts?
And you wonder if you are brave enough to go down that path?
When friends are no further away than a keystroke…but too far to hold you when you need to cry?
When the woman you want is married?
and her husband wants you too?
When the newest friend you have had for years tries to go further?
When sex no longer becomes casual?
When the test is positive?
When you are tired of not being negative?
When something is so wrong, but everything seems so right?
When life is amazing…and there is no one to share it with?

What do you do…when all you want to do is nothing at all?
What do you do…when you realize that loneliness is a state of life…not a state of mind?
what do you do…when you realize that nothing you can do will help you find a soulmate?
What do you do…when all you need is a ear…that has no mind attached?
What do you do…when writing is all you can do…and sex is all you want?
What do you do…when you want something more?
What do you do…when you don’t remember what is was you wanted to do anyway?

You stay jazzed… and stand still...and wonder WHY you chose to be here…
And then the sun breaks through the clouds… and the sunset turns the whole room golden and you remember…you go through the confused parts for times like these…when everything is silent and warm and perfect... even if only for a second…and you don’t really have any questions anymore.

Two sides of a single coin...love & pain

I managed somehow to avoid calling MJW this weekend.. oh yeah. I wasn’t HOME. That was it. Me & nee had a lovely long convo about him & me and stuff. *shakes head* she still insists that we WILL get married at some point many many years down the road. My heart can feel that happening… *laughs* but my head can’t. Nee actually understood that I was too afraid of him to really totally open up because I am so much in love with him. And with that level of love, hurt can occur so easy. And he is the kind of person who hurts others without even knowing it. Just as part of himself he wounds and stabs and cuts...and doesn’t really understand how to hug and apologize for it later. *sighs* I am slowly growing towards a point of forgiveness and forgetting…for the year. Mainly because he doesn’t even KNOW what he was doing. IT wasn’t out of maliciousness.. it wasn’t out of dislike…it was just MJW being himself. I don’t know… I guess we are each going through our times and our lives and at some point that will once again walk to same path.

As for me & CAK… *thinks* I think that life has returned to almost normal... I still get flashes of our time together…and I still wish that the time could have been longer...but he is coming down here in August. *grins* when there will be NO one else here. No mommy.. no friends…no Nee. Just me & CAK...*sighs* somehow I think that it will be an interesting(in the best of ways) few days. I have to get the tickets to the concert soon. Like…Thursday. *smiles* As he said…good music.. good fun & a good friend. All I have to do now is cook a good meal and we will be set. *thinks* My feelings flared up to a fever pitch…but now they have settled back down into something steady.

*sucks in breath* I really think I hate email sometimes. *breathes slowly*
My heart hurts. My head hurts. My stomach hurts.
Damn.
I can’t even explain it. I am all off balance and out of whack and just confused. Damn. Oh shit that hurt. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe I’m not getting what he is saying. Maybe I’m tripping. But damn. The hardest thing in the world for me to do is to open up my gut and let everything spill out. I don’t trust easily, and I hurt too easy to do that. And it is even harder for me to keep opening myself up after I have been punched repeatedly. Reading between the lines is a hard thing. Oh shit that hurts…moral authority? Ow. Okay I’m babbling right now.. and I don’t know what I’m saying...but I’m sitting here trying not to cry trying to figure out what just went on there. I sent CAK a very long email detailing the events of the weekend…and I just got his reply and…I don’t know.. I am feeling like a whorish slut in the worst sense of the word. *shudders* I don’t know…but oh that hurts. I can’t even pull out a line and say this… .this here is what hurt. He said he was upset and so he might sound cold but... how much of it was coldness and how much of it was the utter truth finally coming out?
This is why the closer you get to me the less I tell you The closer you are to my heart the fewer protections I have against your thoughts, opinions and words…I become hyper sensitive to every nuance of your tone/word selection. I become open to whatever you offer good or bad. *frowns* and then…*shakes head* damn. That hurts. He called me by an ex-girlfriends name…*frowns* AH! And in that lies the problem…the hurt. I have never had to defend myself against him. I have been able to lay everything before him and never have to worry about being judged and deemed worthy or less than worthy. OW. Now he judges me and damns me in the same breath. With a single word. Ow. I tried to reply to the entire email…(we carry on e-conversations) and couldn’t. I was getting too hurt and too upset and just too overwhelmed. Damn. I had to fold my hand and close off my heart. I might try to reply to it later tonight.. or I might just leave it alone. *takes a deep breath* When I’m hurt I tend to curl up into a tiny ball of emotionlessness...showing nothing...not what is true not what is not. I shun everyone. Damn…*sighs* the hardest thing in the world is going forward when one KNOWS of the pain that can lie ahead…damn…*shakes head* my head hurts. But I have to keep writing. I am NOT going to let this sit inside of me and fester…OW. *sighhhhhhs* I hope it rains…this has just totally rocked my equilibrium. And for really no reason. Damn. I can’t stop writing cuz if I stop writing I’ll start thinking... and I don’ t want to think right now.
Are eyes the windows to the soul
or are they tiny corners of the heart
pulled away and put on display
to exhibit that which you can
not prevent and only remotely
know.

Stay Jazzed.