WOD2 - Ephemeral

My birthday is in 6 days, and it's reminding me of the unavoidable trickle of time.

It's funny, because one of my consistent complaints has been how I feel stagnant - like nothing is changing, nothing is moving around me. Somehow, I'm ignoring the march of time - the simple fact that every second, every instant, is a new moment - never seen before, never to be seen again. And yeah, while it's true that the events of the past set the stage for the next second - it's still changing/morphing/growing. The only thing around here that is stagnant is me.

So.

I'm not going to be putting my life on hold for a baby, anymore, for one thing. I'm not going to go out and set myself for something that is totally incompatible with children, or get my tubes tied, or anything, but I'm gently letting the sense of certainty that at some point, there will be children in my life, go. It's, it's been interesting. I'm hoping that it lasts, this time - and I think that I have more than enough other things/potential going on in my life to fill any gaps that pushing that vision of my future out will leave behind.

I'm letting go of the idea that I'll ever escape corporate America, and at the same time, I'm putting in more effort into my entrapuenial goals, that will allow me to leave.

I'm letting go of the concept that I'll always be fat. I've got plenty of time to lose weight, and even if it's slow, if it's consistent, I'll get there.

Like sand trickling through my fingers, like dew evaporating in the sun, I'm losing time - I'm getting closer and closer to death, and I'm starting to feel like I haven't really been living for quite a while.

At least I realized this young.

Glow/Gratitude/Green

Things have been - exceptionally good.

I think it's a combination of several things - the weather has changed (finally), I've become more authentic (really, I have), and I've decided to appreciate life more.

It's amazing how little shifts in your mental mood can just ripple out and carry on for days/weeks - I don't know what it is, I just know I feel good. And I'm not worried about feeling good, I'm not concerned - and - it's really nice.

Finally had my follow-up appt. with the RE to analyze the 15 various vials of blood they've taken over the last few weeks.

My FSH was mostly within bounds - once it was 12.6, but I had uber high estrogen the same day, so that one doesn't count. The others were 7.7/7.6, so almost perfectly normal - So glad that I'm still able to be easily stimulated. *wiggles eyebrows*

My thyroid seems to be working normally, and I'm not anemic.

However - my LH - which should have been between 1 and 18 on CD3/4 - was 50. FIFTY! *lmao*

That, plus the fact that my testosterone is BARELY within normal (on the very high end of 'normal'), combined with the 13 or so cysts on my ovaries that he saw on the ultrasound ended up in a diagnosis of PCOS.
No big surprise there. I've had http://www.pcosupport.org up in a tab for the last two days, and I still haven't looked at it. It's not that I'm avoiding it, perse, I'm just not bloody READY for it.

So, he put me on 1700mg of Metformin, and he's scheduled me for a hysteroscopy on May 9th, because he still feels that my lining was too thick, and he wants to check for lesions and take a biopsy of my uterine lining. So. That's an out-patient procedure - but they are putting me under! I don't know how I feel about that. Mrr.

I took my first Met pill last night, and joy of joys, while I didn't have any tummy bubbling, I'm peeing out of my ass now, which while uncomfy, is at least controllable. I'm only going to be taking one dose for a week (850mg), and then I'm going to ramp up to taking two a day.

I'm really utterly unsurprised that I'm insulin resistant, and I suspect it would tie in if I was gluten-sensitive too.

I've already been tweaking my diet, and since I HAVE to eat with Met, breakfast is actually going to become a regular part of my day. I'm really excited to see what, if any, weight loss improvements I have while I'm on this. I've got a years supply from the one script, so - I hope it goes well.

Firsts....

For the first time, I bawled like a baby over not yet being pregnant. I've teared up a couple of times, I've gone into funks, but this - this made me cry.

For senior, abortion a medium for art, political discourse

Martine Powers

Staff Reporter
Published Thursday, April 17, 2008

Art major Aliza Shvarts '08 wants to make a statement.

Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself "as often as possible" while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body. But her project has already provoked more than just debate, inciting, for instance, outcry at a forum for fellow senior art majors held last week. And when told about Shvarts' project, students on both ends of the abortion debate have expressed shock . saying the project does everything from violate moral code to trivialize abortion.

But Shvarts insists her concept was not designed for "shock value."

"I hope it inspires some sort of discourse," Shvarts said. "Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it's not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone."

The "fabricators," or donors, of the sperm were not paid for their services, but Shvarts required them to periodically take tests for sexually transmitted diseases. She said she was not concerned about any medical effects the forced miscarriages may have had on her body. The abortifacient drugs she took were legal and herbal, she said, and she did not feel the need to consult a doctor about her repeated miscarriages.

Shvarts declined to specify the number of sperm donors she used, as well as the number of times she inseminated herself.

Art major Juan Castillo '08 said that although he was intrigued by the creativity and beauty of her senior project, not everyone was as thrilled as he was by the concept and the means by which she attained the result.

"I really loved the idea of this project, but a lot other people didn't," Castillo said. "I think that most people were very resistant to thinking about what the project was really about. [The senior-art-project forum] stopped being a conversation on the work itself."

Although Shvarts said she does not remember the class being quite as hostile as Castillo described, she said she believes it is the nature of her piece to "provoke inquiry."

"I believe strongly that art should be a medium for politics and ideologies, not just a commodity," Shvarts said. "I think that I'm creating a project that lives up to the standard of what art is supposed to be."

The display of Schvarts' project will feature a large cube suspended from the ceiling of a room in the gallery of Green Hall. Schvarts will wrap hundreds of feet of plastic sheeting around this cube; lined between layers of the sheeting will be the blood from Schvarts' self-induced miscarriages mixed with Vaseline in order to prevent the blood from drying and to extend the blood throughout the plastic sheeting.

Schvarts will then project recorded videos onto the four sides of the cube. These videos, captured on a VHS camcorder, will show her experiencing miscarriages in her bathrooom tub, she said. Similar videos will be projected onto the walls of the room.

School of Art lecturer Pia Lindman, Schvarts' senior-project advisor, could not be reached for comment Wednesday night.

Few people outside of Yale's undergraduate art department have heard about Shvarts' exhibition. Members of two campus abortion-activist groups . Choose Life at Yale, a pro-life group, and the Reproductive Rights Action League of Yale, a pro-choice group . said they were not previously aware of Schvarts' project.

Alice Buttrick '10, an officer of RALY, said the group was in no way involved with the art exhibition and had no official opinion on the matter.

Sara Rahman '09 said, in her opinion, Shvarts is abusing her constitutional right to do what she chooses with her body.

"[Shvarts' exhibit] turns what is a serious decision for women into an absurdism," Rahman said. "It discounts the gravity of the situation that is abortion."

CLAY member Jonathan Serrato '09 said he does not think CLAY has an official response to Schvarts' exhibition. But personally, Serrato said he found the concept of the senior art project "surprising" and unethical.

"I feel that she's manipulating life for the benefit of her art, and I definitely don't support it," Serrato said. "I think it's morally wrong."

Shvarts emphasized that she is not ashamed of her exhibition, and she has become increasingly comfortable discussing her miscarriage experiences with her peers.

"It was a private and personal endeavor, but also a transparent one for the most part," Shvarts said. "This isn't something I've been hiding."

The official reception for the Undergraduate Senior Art Show will be from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. on April 25. The exhibition will be on public display from April 22 to May 1. The art exhibition is set to premiere alongside the projects of other art seniors this Tuesday, April 22 at the gallery of Holcombe T. Green Jr. Hall on Chapel Street.

The first thought in my head? That BITCH! She gets pregnant - multiple times, no less! - solely to have an ABORTION for the sake of fucking ART?!? ART? Where is the art, in that?

Art: a: the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially in the production of aesthetic objects; also : works so produced

I suppose, if one was being strictly dictionary, she did use her creative imagination to produce an aesthetic object, if someone can find beauty in blood and dead children. *tear* I can't. It's just a open bit of sadness, for me, right now. Actually, this would have been horrifying and - seriously psychotic - no matter where I was in my life, but at this point? Right HERE? It's making me cry.

I suppose dead kittens are art, too, somewhere.

The only thing that soothes me, is that - while she did say that she repeatedly inseminated, maybe - just maybe - she really wasn't pregnant. Maybe - just maybe - it's really just menstrual blood, and she wanted to make it more 'interesting' and 'shocking', so she called it a miscarriage.
That's the only thing that's - that's - I don't know. It's the only thing that could possibly make this less horrifying.

From a purely political point of view - I think that she had the right to do what she did. By law, she was well within her rights. As a pro-choice/pro-women's rights individual, I have to set my personal feelings aside, and say - yeah. That's her right - as unsettling as it is, because to say that it's not her right to do it, erodes all of our rights. Do I still think it's psychotic? But of course.
But then, all the 'good' artists are insane, aren't they?

Getting and Being

That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You To Seek was a really, really good book. I'm still thinking about little bits and pieces of it, two days later.

One of the things that they talked about was the difference between GETTING angry and BEING angry.

It that, there is nothing wrong with getting angry - anger is an emotion, just as valid and valuable as love. However, being that anger - holding in inside of you and letting it rule your choices and your thoughts - that's the problematic point. They suggested once you are angry, looking past your anger and identifying the actual root emotion. Anger, really, is a shield of some sort - and without looking past the shield, you'll never just be able to get angry, and let it go.

It's really challenging for me, because first I have to identify the feeling that I'm having AS anger. I'm so used to repressing anger (because I'm zen, you see, and things simply roll off of my back), that when I really am angry - I'm either a firey inferno, or I'm crying - or I'm denying what I'm feeling is anger at all.

Poetgirl commented that once the year mark hits, things start to get really hard, emotionally. I was thinking today (as I was putting in my CP/CM notes) that I'm really tired. I want to run away and hide from this, because emotionally, it's stressing me. It's straining me, and it feels all so hopeless, sometimes. I've promised myself that I will not change anything that I'm doing until after the RE appt - then we might have to reconsider things. More for me, than for him, as I don't even know/think it matters, to him.

Speaking of the RE, their receptionist is smart enough to check with the insurance company BEFORE you come in, and she let me know that our visit will be 361.00 out of pocket. Which, is more than we should be spending (I need to figure out which credit card to put that on), but it's the last medical thing that we'll be doing, except for maybe another SA - so I figure it's worth getting the information. He want's Dr. R to send over my scans from the HSG, so I need to call their office and have them do that today, too.

I don't think I'm angry, though. I don't think what I'm feeling is anger. Disappointment? Sadness? Frustration? Anger? See. Maybe there is, just a little anger in there. I don't know. I regularly examine/talk to myself to see if I'm blaming myself for this - don't think that the thought has gone through my mind several times that I might have killed the only child I was ever going to be able to have. The fact that I got pregnant around the same age as my mom, who only had me, despite YEARS of trying for siblings - horrifies me on a regular basis, but I try to not hold onto it. It slides through, and I marvel at the fact that I would be mother to a seven year old, and then it fades away. But, oh, it's always there.

I don't know. I really just want to let the whole thing go, at least for a little while.

And then - C still doesn't have a job. It's going on - almost three months now? He's still looking, hard, and we are still okay- though we are dipping into the savings, and I'm seriously considering majorly dipping into the savings, paying off the IRS and Sears and the Home Depot store card, and - moving on from there.
But then, we are also kicking around the idea of opening a restuarant. We have picked out a location, and we've put together ideas & a menu. Now, we are going to start working on the business plan, and trying to find financing. With the market as it is now, I'm seriously doubting that we'll....... well. Just as I started writing that sentence, I got an alert that my horoscope for today had just hit my inbox.

Dear Kiya,
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, March 19:
Gather your resources and figure out how best to use them for the upcoming
months or so. It's a great day for making plans -- even for several years from
now! Your good energy is perfect for the task.

*blink* Well. Fine, then. I'll do that. I don't know how 'good' my energy is (ahh, that's another thing - not breaking things up into good/bad, but just seeing them as they are. So, my energy is - focused, I think. My energy is ready for a change, and it's in a very Fuck All Ya'll kinda mood, which means my normal reluctance towards change might not be in such a high gear).......

I'll be vested on Friday.

Work has been - well, it's been a bit better. I had my performance review (no raise for me this year, no suprise there!), and - I think some things were laid on the table. I think there will be some shakeups - and well, change is - change. Hopefully, for the better. I'm busier (minutely, and it's more me making myself feel like it actually MATTERs - attitude shift, one could say), but I realized that I've been, more or less, doing the same damn thing for the last 8 years. I don't know - I think I might be ready for a change. I can't believe it's been 3 years already.

But, with the restaurant, my main - inital thoughts for a change (going into consulting) simply wouldn't be an option, as I would need to be at the restaurant after leaving my 'day job'.

And then, there's always in the back of my mind the thought that maybe it's a blessing that we haven't concieved yet, maybe there is a reason. Maybe the worlds really about to go all to shit, and we're being spared the stress of caring for a babe. Maybe we are meant to adopt, instead. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

I don't know. All I know is that..... I am. Right now, that's all I'm certain of, and heaven knows, sometimes I wonder if it's all just a dream.

I think my next book will be my birthday gift from my momma, though.

Shut down, Will Robinson, Shut Down!

I've decided that I'm only marginally going to think about TTC'ing until after the appt. At this point, there's nothing we can do, and the information that we will recieve will be very, very useful - so, it's pointless for me to fret.

Yes, I AM going to my zen space, how'd ya know?

I even went as far to change my nick on one of my favorite boards - it started mentally taunting me - 'to be, or not to be, that is the question!' Horrid.

Moving on.....

C asked me last night why don't we open a restaurant. Once I got past my inital 'We are entering a recession!! Are you INSANE?!?!?!!?' reaction, I started thinking about it a little - calmer. And, ya know, I don't know. We still can't really 'afford' it, but fer fucks sake, that's what investors are for. There's a cool location for sale - right on a main strip, near our house, in a relatively safe hood. Dunno how much they want for it - but, it's a thought. We've got the grand chef, and we have the trusted money person - the problem is we are both ignorant as newborn babes when it comes to all the nits & grits of opening a restaurant. He's got some experience, but strictly from a chefs side. It's funny, at the end of the brief convo I said 'Well, worst comes to worst, we'll just go bankrupt!' *faint* But, yeah. Maybe. I dunno. And I suspect he'll HATE my ideas for a concept..... *evil grin*

So, I don't know. He was rejected for two of the positions he was really hoping for (both of the corporate ones), and the one that's left is the one that he REALLY wants - but he's getting antsy because they are kinda dragging their feet. It's been what - two months, now? I vaciliate being antsy and resignation over the whole thing.

I need to call my mother, but I'm not in the right mind set to talk to her right now - it's funny, I tend to avoid her in times of instability - I still feel like she's judging me (and whether she is or isn't isn't the issue at all), and I still have to prove that I'm a big girl now. I know I DON'T, but the gut feeling/reaction is still there.

Speaking of which, I need to work on my homework for next weeks Realm class - the 5 piviotal people. Mother, Amin, C, M, and..... I don't know. Someone else. It's sad, really, how few people I have in my life that actually MATTERED. Hrm.

Okay. *sigh* I've got a meeting to go to with one of my banes (who I'm sure is just going to go on and on), and I need to be pleasant and perky and shit. *slaps on fake grin* Vodka would make this place EVER so much more pleasant.

Hrrrm.

So. I went a searching for information on the necklace I chose.

First, it took me a while to be certain that it actually was red jasper - I think I have a rather unique piece, in the fineness and regularity of the striations. Anyhow. These are the properties of red jasper.

Often worn by Shamans for protection of their bodies when on astral journeys, the nurturing energy of this stone energizes and strengthens, enhancing physical health. It helps the wearer to maintain a positive outlook. In hazardous circumstances it can aid the wearer in knowing what course of action to take. Is said to relieve some of the pain of childbirth.Good for weatherworking, especially bringing rain, and for curing snakebite. Healing for stomach ailments, jasper balances all chakras, stabilizes energy, and protects from negativity, drives away evil spirits, hallucinations, and nightmares, and is generally a grounding stone. It builds up steady energy for long periods of time. A stabilizing stone - it reduces your insecurities, fears, and guilt. Decrystalizes illusions. Used for cancer and other wasting dis-eases. Purifies the blood - helps the anemic. Vitalizes brain tissue, stimulates hormone balance. Excellent stone for healers as it enhances and balances the auric field. Enhances love and passion, helps you work with heavy negativity, reduces fears and insecurities, beneficial for blood circulation.


Interesting enough. Then, there is Mother of Pearl.....

Attracts money, wealth and prosperity, clarifies feelings, stabilizing. The magical properties of the pearl bring the wonderful gifts of peace of mind, focus, wisdom, patience, protection and love. And these are all properties that are important to the pearl’s fertility magic. Legend has it that pearls are so closely related to fertility because of the time and patience that it takes for one oyster to produce just one pearl, much like the time and patience it takes to create one beautiful baby.


Hrm. Possibily the perfect thing to steer me through whats coming next. Hrmm.

unHappy Aniversary!!

It's March 4th, 2008. Exactly this time, a year ago, I was slipping in my Diva, hoping to not see a period again for at least 24 months.

Yeah, not so much.

It's been a year, officially, and it's fucking with me much more than I expected it would. It's odd - the first six months were a drag, the second six months were a blur, and this, the 13th month - well, it's - interesting.

I'm lugging around this impending sense of doom - March 24th is when we go to the fertility specialist and get (finally) a detailed explanation as far as C's S/A results. If there are utterly miserable - I don't know. Realistically, it will be the last step as far as 'assisted' techniques. None of the insurance offered here covers ART of any kind - I suspect we'll have to pay out of pocket for the HSG, which is two grand that we can ill afford. And - from the little bit of reading I've done so far, it seems like when there are female issues - well, they can offer drugs and timing and triggers and etc, etc.... but when there are male issues, they slingshot you directly into IUI/IVF - which we cannot, in any way shape or form, afford.

It's rather - ironic - we waited (I held off) for so long so that I (we) could afford to be the parents that I wanted us to be. And now, here we are here, able & ready to be the parents that we hope to be, and might not be able to bloody afford to get pregnant.
Ain't THAT a blip?

If that is the results of our appt (the 24th), then. Well, I don't know. I've been biding my time at work, thinking/hoping that I would be pregnant soon, and would be able to implement my exit strategy. If that doesn't happen - I think I'll more agressively pursue a consulting opportunity - it'll be a quick way to stack up money - and then I'll move right into - hell, my first thought was midwifery school - but I don't know if I want to be a midwife - more importantly, if the chance of being a mother drops down to something silly like 5% - I don't know if my heart could handle being around birth - I think I would get very angry, very quickly.

That leaves writing. *gulp* I did say, a while back, that maybe if I canna concieve a child, at least I can birth a novel. I don't know. I'm - I'm delaying anything, everything, including my emotions.

And C has been really tender with me lately - I swear, I think he thinks I'm pregnant. Its something about the way he touches me - and how amazing and wonderful it would be if I was.
I think that's why I write so little about it except for brief interludes - I'm all 'energy-aware', and I'm afraid that if I focus/mull on the 'oh my gods, we'll never get knocked up!' side of things, that's exactly what I'll attract to myself. And while, yeah, at 6DPO (or 15DPO, depending on who you ask), it is as it is - it's my own personal juju.

Speaking of personal jujus - I stopped wearing the Gaia necklace. The back of my neck has broken out (we aren't even going to TALK about the skin eruptions going on all over my body - I feel hideous! Gods bless detoxing), and my chain was irritating it. So, I took it off - and I switched the pendant before I put the chain back on. Now, I'm wearing the mother of pearl and carnelian dangle I got from FOS - I haven't looked up the energy of these stones yet, but it feels REALLY good to wear, so I'm happy with that.

Ah, yes, also - the elimination is going well. I still slip occasionally (popcorn, ice cream & hoagies are my downfall) but in general, it's going well. I've lost ten pounds (without even trying), and as I mentioned before, my skin is - oh my gods, I've got more breakouts, hives, bruises, dark spots - it's seriously rather disgusting, all of the GOOP that is coming out of me. If I'm definitely not pregnant this cycle (testing in 10 days), I'm going to HAVE to do a cleanse to get this over with, like NOW. I'm sure it would be nicer if I did it gradually, but seriously, I can't take it - and I scar easily - I'll come through this looking like I had chicken pox, or something!

Work is - well, work. I'm supposed to be on a new path, and making new efforts, and I'm really 'Yeah, whatever' about the whole thing - but, I know that if I wanna keep the job, I really do need to focus more.

C still hasn't found a job - there are a two places that are stringing him along - but I have hope at least one of them will come through. He's starting to do some of the online stuff I had considered doing once I was at home, to bring in a little more money. I'm also scared (all the fear and uncertainty I have in me!) that we can't afford to live on one salary. *deep breath*

It's a time of waiting and uncertainty, generally - leading up to a huge change, one way or another.

Should be interesting.

fragile

So many things have me feeling fragile, lately.



Second Realm is chipping at my boundaries, and I like it about as much as I'm terrified of it. This book (Self Matters) is rather - pointed in it's utter disregard for holy cows or boundaries of any sort. I'll have to start devoting more time to the homework - my usual habits of procrastination are serving me poorly, to be honest.



TTC'ing is - going. It's taken on it's own sort of rhythm now, I think - a sort of ebb and flow of anticipation, hope, and depression. My own personal rollercoaster ride.



We've officially been refered to a fertility specialist - our appt with him will be right in the middle of our 'official' TTC for a year cycle - how ironic, eh?



So far, I've checked out clear - C, on the other hand, had 'low volume'. We haven't been able to pin down if they were complaining about the sample size, or if they are directly refering to the swimmers. We'll find out in a month or so, I suppose.



The seasons are changing too - warmth coming back (the crocuses have sprouted! - I promise to take a picture of them draped in ice), and - I don't know.



There's a sad sort of sweetness draped over everything - a semi-consious awareness of the fragility of EVERYTHING - and it's not - usual for me. My heart is tender and exposed and while it's quite delightful, it's most disquieting at the same time.



I've been spurting bits and pieces of creativity in the form of an official hairblog (thanks for going down, LHC - otherwise, I might have never left the nest), and I'm - I'm looking forward to starting to write. I can't even say starting to write again, because I don't think I ever really wholeheartedly STARTED.

*sigh*

So - life is well. It's good. I'm looking forward to it getting better.

I'm - emotional.

No, maybe irritable is the right word. I want to throw a huge temper tantrum, and I've got utterly no reason to do so. Home is wonderful, we get paid tonight, work is - well, it's a pain in my ass, but that's normal, and I'm still not knocked up.

I think that might be it. That might be the root cause of the general over-emotionalness of -everything. It's vaguely PMSy feeling, actually, with the sense of something being 'off' inside my head, and utterly unaffected by what I'm doing out here.

I'm still reading cbirth, and still vacilliating back and forth. Well, not really, I'm debating prenatal care, now. I haven't met the local midwife (the only one I'm willing to use), and I'm hoping - yet not - that we don't hit if off, and then, it'll leave me a clearer path.

I'm considering going to a family doctor, but how many of them do prenatal care, anymore? That's all the realm of an OB - like I really need one to have me pee in a cup and weigh me and write a slip for an ultrasound. Then, I'm also still considering the OB/GYN that I've gone to before - a really cool, seemingly laid back black lady. I don't know - she had a small practice, and she SEEMED aiight - though I do remember tsking over the fact that she had a 'how to prepare for your c-section' pamphlet, but didn't have any breastfeeding ones.

And then, I'm thinking about the hospitals, in general. This town sucks, seriously, when it comes to hospitals - the one that I've doula'd in, I wouldn't birth in if you paid me to - besides, it's too far away. The one up the street from us, I've never been to - but I think I might check it out.

It's rather goofy of me to be worrying over all this, considering I'm not even partially pregnant yet - but it's the last little 'gnawing' worry that I have. I want to talk to A - but I feel - funny, somehow, emailing her ahead of time.

I've also decided that I'm going to go through this journal, and try to remove as many references to my actual location as possible. My name is out there, but that's okay - it won't help anyone find me.

*sigh* What an ugly and confusing mix of paranoia, fear, melencholy, and hope.

Home, home again.....

Made it home, safely, no dents, no despair.

I wished I wasn't driving so much - I would have liked to journal a bit, and to take more pictures, and etc. But, me driving was ever so much LESS stressful than having DH drive (have I mentioned he's totalled 3 cars in seven years, two of them mine? Yeah. I'm enourmously paranoid about him driving my car) so I sucked it up, and enjoyed the ride.

The time with the family wasn't too bad - they seem to be mellowing out some. I spent most of the day nose deep in a book, though, so that made it better, as it always has, since I was a wee one.

Back at work, and oh dear, what a dreary day this has been. It's a suckerpunch to the stomach to be reminded how much I don't CARE - esp. after spending so much time - active and engaged in LIFE - to be back here, and feeling like it's just all shit on a wall, again. *sigh* It's - work, though, and I've signed up for it, so I'll shove on through it.

BFP's seem to be abounding around me - I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a much harder time with those who are further along, oddly enough. I still sigh over the belly pictures, but there's a bit of a gutcheck now - it's not quite jealousy, more like regret/longing. It's sadmaking, is what it is.
However! My period was a mere 5 days this go around, and I'm feeling - normal? Upbeat? Horny, dare I say? And I'm wondering if this 'formula' I'm on is getting things settled. I'm almost scared to start working out, and throwing another potential wrench into things, but I still am.

Hrm, yes. I'm going - tonight, I suppose, though I might drag my feet (rephrase, I will drag my feet) til the weekend - I need to get some stuff for the gym.
1) Heater
2) Timer
3) Plug Converter/power strip
4) Cleaning Supplies
5) Gym Shoes
And I think that's about it - so that I can start working out, regularily. My thought is to wake up and actually get out of bed when I temp (6:15am), meditate for about 15-20 minutes, then go and work out for an hour - that's why I want the timer, so I can have the heater come on before I go to workout, and it'll be nice and warm. That'll take me to 7:15, which is about when I normally start getting ready for my day. I'll skip Sat/Sun, and those will be my 'treat' days of being able to sleep in.

I realized that I have a very warped self image. It's one of the things that makes keeping myself motivated to keep exercising so hard - I really, rarely see just HOW fat I am. I'm yuge. 260 pounds on a 5'4 frame is obviously huge, but I don't feel it, and I rarely see it - even when I'm standing in front of the mirror. *sigh* But then, there are times when I see it so CLEARLY - the lumps and bumps and bulges and folds and I wonder, briefly, how DH can possibly be attracted to alla THIS. Then, I look at him, and realize how much love smoothes over the minor (and major) imperfections - turning them into something not ugly, but simply He. So, I'm assuming that's the same thing he sees, but I'd certainly be more - certain - if I wasn't QUITE so fucking fat.

And I spent close to a grand on that Treadmill - I'd be damned if I don't use it.

Base Camp, Night One

I figured I'd record our travels to the inlaws over Thanksgiving, since we are actually 'roadtripping'. We decided to take the Great River Road north to Central Il, stopping at the local winieries along the way, and then cut due east across Il and In to the in-laws.

Today, we left the house a little late - didn't actually get on the road til around 10am, and by the time we fueled the cars and ourselves, it was closer to 10:30.

So - we drove, taking 51 most of the way north, cutting through Henning and Dyersburg and Ripley and a bunch of other little towns on our way to Hickman, Ky. We saw a sign for the Miss. River, early on, but once we realized that it was a 30 mile round trip out of our way, AND didn't have a ferry, we stayed on 51 instead.

In Hickman, we took a ferry across the river to Dorena, Mo. From Dorena, we took a closer look at the map, and realized that taking 61 north would keep us on the River Road, vs taking Yahoo's directions and staying on the major roads. So, after taking 102 to 105 t0 60W, we finally ended up on 61 - the first time we saw the vaunted River Road signs, too.

We made it to Cape Gieraduee (horrid spelling for a lovely little French Settler town), and upon realizing that 1) it was the biggest town for a while and 2) we wouldn't make it to Ste Gieneveve in time to visit the winieries, we decided to stay here overnight.

We tried the waterfront, but it reminded us of small, dull towns - the street was rolled up at 4pm, and half the shops looked permanently closed. Luckily, we found the visitors center, and scooped up some information about lodging.

We scored a hotel room, made a Target run for a few supplies, and then went back to the room for a little relaxation before dinner.

The hotel we were in offered a 20% off coupon for a nearby restaraunt, and the menu doesn't look half bad, so that's where we'll be going for dinner.

So far, I've enjoyed myself amazingly. I've never taken back roads on PURPOSE before, and it's an entirely different slice of America we're cutting through. The trees are lovely in their fall colors, and the corn stalks that are left are the most breathtaking shade of sunsilk gold ever.

The occasional 20MPH zones do drive me crazy, but I still prefer them over the times when we intersect with an interstate and the speed limit is suddenly 70MPH - I'm ENJOYING going slowly.

Today was totally not supposed to turn out this way - but I'm enjoying it. There really is no rush, and we have MORE than enough time to do all the things we want to, and even if we run out of time, guess what? We can always come back and do it again - I wanted to see the Indian Mounds, anyhow - and I knew we couldn't do it this trip.

I doubt that we'll spend any night sleeping in the car, even though we came prepared for that - I think it's a bit cold, personally.

I'll add pictures to it later tonight - we left the camera in the car.

Oh, and I think my period started today. Mrumph.

Bitchin...

At least I'm healthy again, but now, I hate people.

I really don't want to be at work (and ooh, look, it's only noon) but that's most likely my eagerness to get home and start my vacation time.

C & I had a huge, stupid, fight last night, mostly because of a straw that broke this camels back, and him being thickheaded - I hate it when people agree with me just to shut me up - no, the conversation ain't over til it's done. *sigh*

Anyhow, now I'm all moody today because I know he's gonna be grumpy for at least two more days (oh, the delights of being married to a man moodier than you are)

And there's the trip 'home' that I have not planned for, thought about, prepped or packed for, and I know that I need to do all of that, as well, otherwise we'll leave Monday sometimes and spend the whole time at GMIL's house - and ugh. At least I've figured out our answer - we just brought a house, we're in no rush to have a baby! I have no issues whatsoever with lying to that bunch.

Hrm, what else? Had a wonderful potluck at work, and made a really good beans and rice recipe - used some Zatar, which gave it a nice full-bodied flavor. It really needs a hunk of ham to simmer with it, but I made it vegetarian so our veggie coworker would be able to eat it.

I've been spacing on taking my pills for the last few days - either walked out the house without them, or never took them at work. *shrug* I don't know - I know I need to be still taking them, but missing a day or two here and there doesn't seem to be too bad. I take them at night pretty faithfully, so it's not even a whole day, it's just a dose that I'm missing.

I SOOOOOOOOO want this day to fly by. Please?

sweetheart

Testing date on Thanksgiving. Most likely won't test until four or five days after that.

Trying to remain calm, and zen, but I have a really good feeling about this cycle.

08/16 - Full Moon
08/18 - G's anniversary

I need to ask C when his grandmothers birthday is.

And the Chinese calendar says girl.

cream

I look at my chart and feel contented and delighted.

At first, I thought that I wasn't sure why - but it's an expanse of potential. This is the fun part of TTC'ing - I'm not bleeding, I'm waiting to ovulate. This is the time that makes you want to pull your hair out, but this is also the only time that the chart REALLY makes a difference.

Oooh, food.

More later, maybe.

*tears*

It's not that I'm sad - really, I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. My mom asked me if I was sad last time we talked, because everytime she got off the phone with me, she was left with a lingering feeling of - sad.

I'm not. Or, if I am, it's the sort of sadness that just seeps in and covers everything in the same blanket of sad - so there's nothing that really scream out - SAD!

Melancholy? Maybe. That might be it. It's the sort of sad that you feel after you've moved from a really nice city to another one that's jsut as nice - but just, not the same. It's a transitionary sad - a grieving of that which - is. was. will be.

So. No, I'm not sad. And even when I read about others newborns, or cheer on others hoping for that BFP - I'm still not sad. I'm not jealous, anymore, either. I'm just - there. Maybe it's a bit of a facade - a bit of a wall between whatever is raging in my heart, and what I'm actually able to express. I think of my friend - TTC'ing for seven years - and wonder how she felt - how did she respond to others?

Maybe I'm disappointed. Disappointed in me? No, disappointed in time. My expectations did not match up to the reality, despite all of my efforts otherwise, and - that is a little saddening.

But it still doesn't make me sad. Not yet. I'm not sure when - maybe, one day - years from now, if we still haven't concieved, I'll be sad then. Sad for the sure loss of the life I believed I would have.

But not now. Now is still time for hope, even if it's cloaked in a melancholy dress. Hope is waht lets me read. Hope is what makes me cheer. Hope is what drives me on. Hope, and even deeper than that, certainty. I don't know when, but I still believe it will.

Bouncing, bouncing....

...from topic to topic that is.

3429 words on day one if Nano! I always start off strong though, and then peter out to nothingingness and bullshit though, so we shall see. I'm REALLY trying to focus on just blowing through this month, worrying about intrigue and proper names and etc, etc, etc, at a later date.
I'm not going to be posting bits of it - unless I decided that I REALLY like it. I'll post the creation story that I wrote in July, though - I really liked that.

I'm moving up to the 4g now - . My ears are a little hot, and a little surly, but it was a MUCH easier stretch than I thought it would be. I suspect it's because I REALLY let my ears heal - I've been at a 6g for - sheesh, since early summer, or so? My left ear still stretched much easier than my right, as usual - but a little Liquid Gold, and amazingly enough, it slid right in. So odd. I'm using pyrex spirals, and I'm shifting them as my ears whine more so that it's on a smaller bit.

I asked the magic 8-ball at work today whether I would get pregnant this cycle, and it said postively! *lmao* Yeah, we shall see, magic 8. Though, I think that I am FINALLY about to stop bleeding - I woke up this morning, and there was no leakage, so that's a start. I'll be so THRILLED to be having sex again, heaven knows THAT.

I've lost track of whether I'm supposed to henna this week, or next week. Oh! I need to change out my calandars, too. Hah! How appropiate! I have an Egyptian calendar, and this months image is of Horemheb, the Pharoah after Ay who was after Tutankhamun, and Horenheb happens to be the pharoah that is in power when my MC in Nano dies.....but, anyhow, henna. This weekend is a chruch meeting, and I don't think that there is anything going on next weekend....so I might wait. Or I might not. We'll see how I feel on Saturday.

Suprisingly enough, I don't have any plans for this weekend. I need to shove some more dirt around the roots of the bushes we moved - I didn't have the energy to do that last weekend. Ooh, and maybe I should start working on some clothes. I went to the thrift store today, a scooped up a big white board - I think that will make a suitable 'no cut' board for a rotatry blade. I'm cheeeaaapppppp and I REALLY don't wanna pay freaking 40 bucks for a tiny rotatry board.
Kiss mah grits.

Urm, whatelse?

I think that about covers it.

Dreamt this morning during snoozetime that I was pregnant - well, that I had gotten a positive test. I was sitting in the floor of the living room, meddling with something, and picked up a test that was leaning in a cup (??) and looked at it. It was an odd test, as it had one line on the end that indicated whether it worked, and then at the other end, there were two lines - instead of the usual one. I looked at it, looked at C (who was sitting behind me) and was like - huh. I'm pregnant. I grinned at him, and then went right back to what I was doing.
It was a very non-event. *lol*

But then, at this point, I'm thinking that's what it is - just in general. Well. Hrm. TTC'ing, for me, right now, is a matter of a waiting game. I'm doing what I can, on the outside, to get things moving. I'm not doing ALL that I could, in any way shape or form - but I'm doing some things, and those things are just - part of my life, now. So, yeah.

Then, as I was getting ready to go to work this morning, my fertility stone bracelet fell off the shelf and hit my foot - so I put it on today.

I'm STILL fucking bleeding though, so I don't know what - if any - significance any of that has. Hurmph. I'm also mildly horny (which is a biggie for me) and I plan on pouncing him repeatedly as SOON as I stop bleeding. It seems to be getting a little lighter - I don't know. *sigh* I really don't.

The accupunturist changed my herbs, though - I should look up the one she took me off of, and see what it's side effects are. I'm almost CERTAIN that this period is my bodys reaction to all the stuff I'm doing - both herbally and energetically - and that I just need to ride it out. Still. *sigh*

I'm impatient, more so than anything else. And really, it's jsut a matter of time - that, if nothing else, I believe.

Internal Damages

I've always been - well, no. Not always. Lately, I've been wondering if my abortion (8 years ago! holy cow!) maybe - damaged my uterus somehow. I've heard of the cringing and problems that D&C could cause, and - well, the thought was always there.

Then, today, and I don't know why (maybe my period starting? or maybe something I read on cbirth) I started thinking about the actual procedure - and it struck me that they used some sort of vacuum type thing - definitely no blades. I looked it up, and apparently I had a EVA (Electronic Vacuum Aspiration) done - which has a much lower rate of uterine damage than a D&C does.

So, that's an oddly huge relief. What impacts the abortion may have had on my heartfeather, I don't know - I felt enourmously at peace with it then, and I still feel at peace with it. If I end up being infertile, I doubt that I'll feel much peace with aborting the only child of my blood I would have ever had - but once again, I hope that I never have to cross that bridge.

Of course, the IUD could have done something odd too.

*sigh* It's insane, and it sucks, that almost all of the procedures/hormones/methods of NOT getting pregnant so often affect your long term ability to get pregnant when you are actually ready.

I've decided, since we are going to buy another Fertell test anyhow, I'll take the FSH test Saturday morning (CD3 according to FF - I'm totally dismissing the barely there spotting Tue/Wed), and it I fail (which oddly enough, I'm pretty sure I will - just like C did) we'll both retake them in 3 months, once we've finished our bottles of FertilityBlend.

I'm a little - relieved - and a little ashamed at the same time - that we are 'officially' in a NT/NA period right now. It gives us a little time to relax, and to reconnect. It gives me a little time to lose some bloody WEIGHT. In addition - it'll shift the end of the pregnancy more towards the cool months - as I'm really not looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in an air conditioned house in the South.

I wish I could find that article that mentioned that babes concieved during certain months have a lower IQ, overall, and how they believed that was a side effect of the higher levels of pesticides/pollution in the air in the summer months.

Hrm, I'll see if I can dig it up.

Differences....

It's funny - after I posted that last entry, I realized just how superficial I've become when it comes to journaling - I mean, really? Camping? *laugh* Okay, not to say that the time I spend with C isn't infinitely valuable and worth writing about, but really - there is more going on in my head than just grocery lists of what I'm doing from day to day. That's a calendar, not a journal.

Anyhow, I suppose I'll get into something interesting, eventually. I still need to finish transferring all my other words here, too. Ah, that might be a nice way to muddle through the rest of the day.

---

Still not pregnant - about to start my period in fact. I had a tiny little vein show up on the TP yesterday afternoon, and when I checked CP today, there were little gobs of blood there. They remind me of the little 'sections' in citrus - I don't know what they are called - the tiny nobules that actually form the fruit? Like that.

I'll be able to take the Fertell test, too - if I start good and 'light' today, I'll mark today as CD1, and Thursday would be CD3 - the new moon, how appropiate. Maybe that's a good omen, that the moon will be waxing then.

It's officially past the six month point, now, and it's almost to six cycles. It's interesting how my attitude about TTC'ing has changed. I still think that a LOT of women go a little crazy - but I can see how easy it is. I mean - my mind slams shut the door that even murmurs that we might never have children - it's just - not in my mental view right now. We have a good way to go before that door should even be approached - it's the dark at the end of the tunnel, for me.

---

Ugh. Coworkers are getting flu shots enmasse - *headshake* I don't even bother commenting - pumping themselves full of all that crap before the season even STARTS and they know what strain is going to be a problem is SO freaking pointless. I think vaccines are the modern day equivalent of raindances to the Gods of Health - when they work, it's all 'Seeee!!' and when they don't (or when they kill) it's all convientently something/someone/God's fault. (The other god, not the medigods). Whatever, man, seriously. *makes a note to get some Echinea tea* What? I can still dance my own dance in my own way, I'm just saying, taking posion shots straight to the bloodstream just ain't MY way.

---

So, I've finally given up on getting the cheaper/clearanced treadmill - and Sears finally took it off of its site, so I'm satisifed in my determination to wait. I just ordered another one - but it won't be delivered until the 27th, because it won't be available to deliver this weekend, and next weeked is FOS and I don't know if C will be home, so it'll be the weekend AFTER that. Hopefully, that'll give me enough time to clean all the JUNK from in front of the garage (I swear, if people were judged by the outside of their house, we are SUCH slobs. Okay, fine, the inside too, but I'm just SAYING!) and pull it to the junk pile in the back of the house. It'll still be there, but it'll look nicer.
I might try to go to Sears and get a TV for in there too - I need to start doing my Qi Jong every morning - oh, and we're going to need a small heater, too. I think that'll just about wrap up the stuff we need for the gym.

---

I still need to gather my thoughts together on the life change that's opened up in front of me - I'm not sure how to explain it to myself, much less make others understand what I'm thinking.

Hrm. More later, I'm sure.

6:48

I swear, a few minutes ago, I sat here and FELT my cervix move. I couldn't tell what it was doing - it felt like I was pushing out a clot of some sort - that slow, rich feeling? but it didn't feel - heavy and wet like a clot would.

Still being paranoid, I went into the bathroom, and wiped, and checked my CP.

My cervix is so high - it felt like a fucking cavern in there - I couldn't even reach it - using a single finger!

And the CM? Thick, creamy, only a little bit, and a whitish color - maybe with the FAINTEST hint of yellow.

Oh wow, I so think I'm pregnant. *crossesfingers*

I've been putting it off - but I realized I won't be able to test til Monday, as I won't be here Sunday morning.

And, it would be bittersweet and nice to go to E's birthday party and have it be the last party of me as a single being - and KNOW it.

*deepbreath*

And ya know, either way - if I am, or if I'm not - I'm going to WANT to party - in one case to grieve and forget, in the other case to celebrate and welcome.

*wiggle*

*sigh*

I really think that I will love being pregnant.

6:53