Glow/Gratitude/Green

Things have been - exceptionally good.

I think it's a combination of several things - the weather has changed (finally), I've become more authentic (really, I have), and I've decided to appreciate life more.

It's amazing how little shifts in your mental mood can just ripple out and carry on for days/weeks - I don't know what it is, I just know I feel good. And I'm not worried about feeling good, I'm not concerned - and - it's really nice.

Finally had my follow-up appt. with the RE to analyze the 15 various vials of blood they've taken over the last few weeks.

My FSH was mostly within bounds - once it was 12.6, but I had uber high estrogen the same day, so that one doesn't count. The others were 7.7/7.6, so almost perfectly normal - So glad that I'm still able to be easily stimulated. *wiggles eyebrows*

My thyroid seems to be working normally, and I'm not anemic.

However - my LH - which should have been between 1 and 18 on CD3/4 - was 50. FIFTY! *lmao*

That, plus the fact that my testosterone is BARELY within normal (on the very high end of 'normal'), combined with the 13 or so cysts on my ovaries that he saw on the ultrasound ended up in a diagnosis of PCOS.
No big surprise there. I've had http://www.pcosupport.org up in a tab for the last two days, and I still haven't looked at it. It's not that I'm avoiding it, perse, I'm just not bloody READY for it.

So, he put me on 1700mg of Metformin, and he's scheduled me for a hysteroscopy on May 9th, because he still feels that my lining was too thick, and he wants to check for lesions and take a biopsy of my uterine lining. So. That's an out-patient procedure - but they are putting me under! I don't know how I feel about that. Mrr.

I took my first Met pill last night, and joy of joys, while I didn't have any tummy bubbling, I'm peeing out of my ass now, which while uncomfy, is at least controllable. I'm only going to be taking one dose for a week (850mg), and then I'm going to ramp up to taking two a day.

I'm really utterly unsurprised that I'm insulin resistant, and I suspect it would tie in if I was gluten-sensitive too.

I've already been tweaking my diet, and since I HAVE to eat with Met, breakfast is actually going to become a regular part of my day. I'm really excited to see what, if any, weight loss improvements I have while I'm on this. I've got a years supply from the one script, so - I hope it goes well.

Timing....

is the linchpin on which the universe turns.

I still - still - have not written the letters to myself. I've been caught up in TreasureMapping and trying to plow through my Realm homework - which, if I'm honest with myself, simply will not be done in time for class tomorrow. It deserves more attention than that, and I haven't been able to give it that attention. *sigh* I'm considering playing hooky from class tomorrow, but I won't do that - I'll just admit that it took me much longer than I expected to get into it.

My treasuremap, though, is done. It's funny - perceptions and timing, I mean - as I was cutting, I kept thinking that I didn't have enough - that the tiny collection of scraps and ends of paper in the box would NEVER cover the whole 36 x 36 board - until I really laid them out, and started looking at them, and splitting them up into the various baguas. Once I was all done, I realized that not only did I have enough to cover the whole board, I had MORE than enough, and thus was able to pick and choose exactly which images/words 'sung' to me at that point in time. I didn't even really think as I glued it together - I really haven't 'thought' about the whole process - I just flowed along with it. I'll take a good picture of it once I get home, and add that here.

The DailyOM for today was about letting yourself be carried by the flow of the universe. I poo-poohed LJ for years for going along with that sort of 'flow' stuff, but I think it's because - well, he was focused on the process, and I couldn't grok how letting yourself 'idly' flow would ever get you to where you wanted/needed to be.
But now, I think I get it a little more. It's not about not doing, it's about not being attached to the results of what you do. It's about doing your personal best, and trusting that you making that effort, along with relaxing into the flow of the universe to allow the best results to come from that effort (even if they aren't the results you were actually shooting for). It's a bloody delicate balancing act it is, all tied up with faith and trust, which, yeah, are two of my personal weak points.

It's funny, for the last week or so, there have been a lot of thoughts going through me around money, and finances, and DH's job situation, and etc...... and then, I really pulled myself together, and realized that fretting over it wasn't going to do ANY good, and started actually LOOKING at what I could do (both financially and emotionally) to release that stress. Lo & behold, today DH gets a call for a job offer.
I felt sort of - guilty? unworthy? greedy? for the stuff that I put in my Abundance & Prosperity section - but the more I think about it, the sillier that seems. I mean - it's Treasure! It's - Prosperity! Don't I want to be prosperous? If so, what's the harm in saying - hey! I wanna be prosperous!

I also think - I'm pretty certain - that I will be turning my PC off when I leave work, even if I'm on call. It'll only take me minutes to turn the laptop on once I'm home, it'll stay cool while I'm traveling instead of overheating, and it'll reduce the 'urge/habit' of getting home and plopping my happy ass right back on the computer. There is so MUCH that I have all around me to captivate, entertain, and amuse me - I really should be able to wean myself free of this electronic leash with some ease.
And if I DO want to hop online for something, I'll go and use the desktop..... *nod* The convenience of the laptop is just - far, far too easy to get sucked into.

I've also signed up for another email list - Go Gratitude - which is going to send me 42 days of gratitude filled ideas and expressions. The first thing I'm going to work on is my job. I'm here, today. And this moment is really the only moment I can TRULY influence - so how can I influence myself to rejoice in what I have? I don't know how, just yet, but I'll figure something out.

And, on that note, let me attend to my Realm homework.

Slacking

Homework 1 is those letters to myself - due 04/02/2008
Homework 2 will be my Treasure Map - due 04/09/2008

Haven't done my first homework yet. Was hoping to work on it some at work - but I wanted to acknowledge that I'm slacking.
I have gotten the boards and some papers for the TM, though. I need to look up the colors for the bagua's.... hrmm, let me do that now.

This list follows the colors clockwise around the grid, concluding with yellow at the center.
Purple for Money and Prosperous Living.
Red for Fame and Reputation.
Pink for Romance and Marriage.
White indicates the area of Children, sometimes called the Creativity side.
Gray, or tan is the Helpful People area.
Black is the Career area.
Blue indicates the Knowledge area.
Green marks the Family area, also called Stability.
Yellow is the Health area, in the center of the board

So - that would relate to the other TM stuff I had as follows....

123
456
789

1-Abundance (Purple)
2-Fame/Reputation (Red)
3-Relationship (Pink)
4-Family (Green)
5-Health (Yellow)
6-Creativity (White)
7-Self knowledge & Skills (Blue)
8-Work (Black)
9-Helpful people & Travel (Gray/Tan)

I actually think I have all of those colors, too, which rocks.

I also got some patterned paper, and some vellum, in case we feel like being extra creative. The boards that I got are the huge (36 x 48) 'bendy' display boards, and the paper is 12 x 12 scrapbooking paper. I plan on cutting my board to make it 36 x 36, and using some of the leftover to 'stabilize' the bendy bit, and then using a single square in each spot - 12 x 3 = 36, so most convenient.

I'm also thinking about what magazine I want to get. We both need to buy a new one on Saturday - C will most likely get a food one, and - I don't know. I'll have to rumamge through the magazine rack and figure something out.
Or - I realized we might get a magazine in the mail on Saturday - which would totally rock. I'm making plans to go out and buy one though, because otherwise, I really won't leave the house.

Also, haven't started working out yet - and I think that I'm going to have to revamp my timing. I think - I don't think I'm going to be able to get up at the crack of dawn to work out. It too easy for me to fall back asleep (granted, I usually AM pretty tired), so I'm thinking of doing it when I come home, instead. Drop my stuff off in the house, change, grab some water, and head back out to the gym. *sigh* Get it out of the way, so to speak......

I really think that would be best, for me. Maybe if I get more energy, I can shift it to an early morning type thing, but for right now - no.

If I do that, though, we are also going to have to shift dinnertime/dinner prep up some - let's say i get home at 6, work out til 7, I guess I could go back in the house, take a shower (7:30) chill for 30 minutes, then start cooking at 8, eat at 9, be in bed by 10:30?

Bah. BAH! Fucking job taking up all the good hours.

Speaking of which, I need to do some work. Mrr.

River

I wrote this in class yesterday, and I wanted to remember it, and hold onto it, and possibly tattoo it on my ass.

The River is infinite - containing all the possibilities of what might be. I cannot reroute or control the river, but I damn sure can paddle my own boat.

I'm sure some one else has said it better. But it makes sense to me.

And another quote I'd like to hold onto...

Getting want I want does NOT equal having money.

Drr, and how obvious is that, but seriously.

I'm considering making myself a charm bracelet to remind me of these sort of things. The river would be a little oar. The money would be..... hrmm - maybe an infinity symbol - because that reminds me of the possibilities that are out there, without tying it to money. I want a simple silver link bracelet, and then I could make the charms out of Fimo........hrrrm. I'll have to think about it.

Change is internal....

and everlasting.

So. 2nd Realm - well, it's been beating me about the head (and heart) lately. Tomorrow is Day 365, and that's been beating up on me a bit, too. Plus, I'm coming to learn that I've been beating up and muzzling myself for years, and dude - that hurts. Plus - I can't stay at this job - baby or no baby, restaurant or no restaurant - doing this unauthentic work is killing me.

So. A couple of things that I plan on doing, and I plan on keeping track here, as well as in my Realm journal for the things that catch my mind when I'm not quite here.

There are three main areas that I want to work on.....

Physical
Financial
Authentic Self

I plan on doing a Treasure Map this year, and I know that I will include all of those things - that's going to be my long term - process. Here is a quick blurb & Q&A about them, written by Tracy Cook - I'm C&P'ing it here, because the website requires a login.

What is a treasure map, exactly?

A treasure map is a collage made of photos, magazines pictures, words, pieces of things that make sense to you...whatever you want and you put them on a foam core board or just cardboard or just something strong that can handle the collage. Put put them all together so you can look at it. It will be a MAP of what you want for the coming year.

What do you mean by, "what do I want for the coming year?"

Exactly what it says. Do you want a new house, a new living room, better health, stronger marriage, reconnect with people, a bigger family, a bigger community? Do you want to write your book? Do you want a new car? What is it you want? Do you even know what you want? If you are like many of us, you are so busy running around, taking care of everyone else that you might not have a fig of an idea what you want for your new year. That is the beauty of this process. You must sit down and figure it out. Give yourself this time to do it. Be just that selfish, and dare to dream.

Why do we do it in the Spring and not January?

Treasure Maps are made during the Aries new moon. Treasure Maps are made during the Aries new moon. Aries new moon change from year to year and this year, it will take place on April 5 8:54 pm PDT.
They are made on Aries New moon, because that is the first sign of the Zodiac. Aries is when you plant your seeds. It is the real beginning of the New Year. It should not be confused with the first day of Spring, which is usually on March 19 or March 20. New moon means the sun and moon are in the same degree. For those who don't know much about astrology (which is totally okay) Aries is the sign of SIGHT. That's why it's so important to have pictures of what you want. You need to visualize it. Or if you don't do photos/pictures, use printed words. It is merely important for you to see them.

I'm going to be busy on April 5. Can I start it before the 5th?

NO.

Do I have to buy a bunch of magazines? I'm broke, can I just borrow some old ones?

Personally, when I started my treasure maps I always did them with fresh new magazines. And in the old days, (not married, no children) I spent a lot of dough on them--only because I wanted lots of choices. But with time, I ended up only getting a few magazines. I never borrowed other magazines from friends. However, I know people who did it in previous years and I think they were happy with their results. It's your call.

What if I don't want magazine photos, can I just use my own pictures.. like my husband, my baby etc?

Sure. I usually color Xerox them so that I would not wreck my originals.

You can also paint what you want. Again, it is your call.

Is there any pattern i have to use when i put the photos or the words on my board?

No. You can do it any way you want.

I will say that in previous years my friends and I used to use the feng shui baguas for my pattern. Basically, I would break up the board into 9 areas.

123
456
789

1-Abundance
2-Fame/Reputation
3-Relationship
4-Family
5-Health
6-Creativity
7-Self knowledge (and travel)
8-Work
9-Helpful people and angels.

If you use the feng shui baguas, you will naturally cover all most all areas of your life, as you can see it is all represented there.

How much time do I have to build my map?

Ideally, you should build your map during the new phase of Aries New Moon, which ends Wednesday April 9 2:22am PDT

Do I have to do it alone or can I do it with friends?

You can do it either way. I build mine with my two other friends. We are like sisters and it felt so right to do it with them. We started them together. I know that there are several people who have little parties where they invite those close to them over. It's a lot of fun to do them with others. We would all pass around the magazines: "hey, I found a great beach bungalow does anyone need a beach vacation?" Or, "I have got to lose 10 pounds, any ideas what I should put on my map?" and lo and behold! Someone will come up with a good suggestion.

Do I have to finish it all at one sitting?

No. Often I used to cut my stuff out with my friends. Maybe glue a little thing here or there and then take it home and finish it there over the course of a day or two.

Can my kids do it with me?

Yes! it is great for them to focus and think about what they want. They also might give you their thoughts about what they think you should have in your life. Helps them to think beyond themselves, right?

Does it work?

Yep.

I don't want to sound like a spoilsport, but I’m just not interested in building a collage. Can I do something else?

Sure. You can take a nice piece of orange paper and write something like, "Wishes during Treasure Map Time". My wishes can sometimes feel like prayers and they are much more broad in my desires. But I will say this, I felt like I needed to switch to 'less is more' after several years of mapping. I would encourage newcomers to make the actual maps. But if you really don't feel the call, then just write your desires down. I like orange paper. So vibrant. So Aries.

Is it okay to have things continue over to the next year? Long-term, ongoing stuff that has progressed but needs to continue to progress?

Yes. Of course. But with a small caveat. My sense after doing these for years is that, when something really takes time, and doesn't gel in the first year, there may be something not yet right, or personally constructive, about that desire. It may or may not be something you are aware of. For example, one friend shifted from her map from year one to year two by focusing on less material things. That kind of energy is really constructive. The most important thing for you to do is to always reach your gut and seriously ask yourself what it is you really want. You may find that you need need to shift something about your long-range goals. My sense is that they need a wee bit refining or broadening. Just a thought. But definitely don't give up on your dream.

I'm really excited! Is there anything I can do now before Treasure Map to help my map?

Yes, yes, and yes. I have said this in previous years and I'll remind everyone now. The period just before the Treasure Map is called the Balsamic Phase, which is the end of the moon's phase. This is the phase when we get rid of stuff. Get rid of clutter. Get rid of things that are bugging us. Get rid of ick. Try if you can to clear some space in your life so you can be ready for the treasure map. Remember, Einstein said, "no two things can occupy the same space." Read that sentence several times. Now ask yourself, do I have space in my house, my family, my time, my life in general for more? If the answer is 'no", then start housecleaning!

Clear out the stuff between now and the 5th. Now do you understand why it is important not to start your map before the new time?

By the way, I personally don't buy any of my supplies before the New starts. But I know some of you can't do that, so if you must, buy before. Put it aside and don't touch it until the New. Don't thumb through magazines. Leave it all be.

Good luck and dream big!

Short(er) term, I'm going to be writing letters to my three 'selves' - a Dear Body letter, a Dear Money letter, and a Dear Me letter.

Funny, it just hit me that one of my defining moments was a critique/destruction of a Dear Me letter I wrote when I was 13. I think that Me has been cowering under the chair in hiding ever since. Poor Me.

Anyhow. I want to be able to examine how I interact - and think, really, about each of those things - where I want them to be, and why, and what I am willing (and am NOT willing) to do to get there. I would like to run this in parallel with Second Realm, but a little faster, so I'm going to be giving myself 'homework' at some point, every Thursday.

Homework 1 is those letters to myself - due 04/02/2008
Homework 2 will be my Treasure Map - due 04/09/2008

So, that covers the next two Thursdays - I'll figure out my going forward work from there.


I'm also going to be reading The Highly Sensitive Person. After having read just a few of the blurbs on her site, I'm convinced that not only AM I a HSP, I also need to understand how that affects me in order to REALLY move forward on anything in a deep down, major way.

I've decided to keep track of the little nudges of serendipity that I stumble across, roughly as they happen. It'll be fun to see what sort of joy falls into my lap (new label!)

Sunday (12/30), I'm headed to the recycling center, and I figured I'd swing by Lori's and drop off the forsale sign, since she didn't come to Yule. I'm there, and slightly twitchy as I was ready to get going, but I stayed and chitchatted for a while. I offered to take some stuff to the recycling center for her, and as we are carrying it out to the car, a friend of hers shows up to help fix her computer.
Come to find out, he's a publisher, and has a current submission call open for dragon stories - Lori had already mentioned to him that I was the First Realmer who could write.

So. The deadline isn't until August - I think I should be able to churn out several iterations of a 9000 word story by then, eh?

Last year was the year of the Unseen Transformation - the changes that happen in all the nooks and crannies of your brain that actually allow transformations to happen.

This year, I have decided and decreed, will be the year of the Visible Transformation.

Transformations don't have to be fast - they can be slow and steady, like that turtletype dude who won the race. TheBoy mentioned last night how we've been working towards so much for so long (years, seriously, in ways that are only manifesting themselves now), and I commented that it's not really the speed, it's the movement that counts.

As I walked on the treadmill this morning (one day down, 312 to go!), that thought hit me again - it's not really the speed, it's the movement, the counts. Both in my successes in exercise, and my reduction of weight. As long as I keep moving, I WILL get faster, I WILL get fitter. There's really no other option - as long as I keep moving.

As I start to mull over which of the two lunches I brought for myself that I will eat today - fully aware that both have major 'exceptions' that I am cleaning out of my diet - it's not the speed, it's the movement, that counts.

So often, I forget that, and I feel like I have to fly, fly, fly in order to have claimed achievement. Is my achievement any less great because it took two months rather than two weeks? Two years, instead of one? Not at all - it doesn't change the impact of my success, it merely shifts the timeline. Now, if there is a set deadline (I don't think the IRS would be down with my movement not speed concept) - that's a different story.

But honestly, how many things in life REALLY have a fixed deadline that achievement is DETERMINED by? Heck, even the IRS offers extentions! I think so many of the deadlines that we impose on ourself are artificial, and just a source of more added stress. If we could focus on the journey - honoring every step (esp. the slow and hard ones!) and KNOWING that the steps we are taking will lead us to where we need/want to be - I think so many things would be - not easier, but more peaceful. More calm.

At least that's how I think it would work with me. It's a release of impossible control. I can't determine how long it takes me to lose weight - all I can do is do the things I need to be doing in order to lose weight. I can't determine how long it will take me to get pregnant - all I can do is so the things I need to be doing in order to have optimal fertility. I can't determine how long I'll be working - all I can do is do the things I need to do in order to make my job less soulsucking and to get us to a point where I don't HAVE to work.

Being the controlfreak that I am, the choice (and it's a choice I've reminded myself of at least four times, today alone *lol*) to really examine what I'm trying to control/wrassle/make fixed and honestly decide whether I can truly control the output, is.......interesting, to say the least. It's a little less scary than I thought it would be, as I'm now even more focused on controlling the INPUT (which ya know, I actually CAN mostly control) and letting the output come as it may.

So. That's what this year has taught me so far.

What've you learned?