Keepin on...

I keep coming here to write something - anything - and I just keep falling flat. I stare, and I think, and it's like - everything bubbling into my head is just - pfft.

Tomorrow is March 1st (also known as Burn the Condoms Day), so that's one big thing on my mind.

I'm in love with my car (and I'm a neglectful new car owner that I STILL haven't taken piccies - tomorrow is DITL though, so I'll be sure to snap a few then).

I still am bored brainless by my job.

I'm feeling guilt because the kitchen is STILL not done and the garden hasn't even been STARTED.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty guilty about a LOT of stuff that I want to do and haven't started/have started a dropped/am consiously ignoring.

I need new shoes, and new clothes, and I don't want to spend money.

I don't know. I'm restless, unsettled, bestirred, and a little reserved, and so instead of 'real' entries, you'll have to forgive me if the best I can do is random surveys.

I'm trying to note (after a huge purging of my faves that still isn't complete), but....

I suck. That's one thing I'm consistently good at. *lol*

4:33

*roflol*

I'm actually pretty sure I didn't ovulate AT ALL this cycle. Damn vitex. *L*

So, my temp has dropped twice now, and I suspect that AF will be knocking on my door on Tuesday/Wednesday. I should have sex tonight and really get her flowing.

Anyhow, I'm deeply relieved. A month of daycare would have SUCKED (for me, and for her) - so - now, based on my PREVIOUS cycles, I'll have O'd somewhere around our anniversary ANYHOW - so, woot!

I'm on eBay now, looking at OPK's - I think I'm going to order a pack of 50...I'm going to test at night and in the morning, as LH surges in the afternoon - and I'm really not trying to test at work.

Hrm - anything else? I'm SO ashamed of all my pyschosomatic symptoms - I STILL want to know what the hell was making my inner thighs itch like acid. Oh! I also need to get some PH sticks to test my CM - I suspect it's acid like fire, which is why I haven't gotten knocked up over all these years - and which would ALSO lend to be throwing girls. I don't need many of those though.

Hrm.

So - hey! I'll be able to use my witchy calendar now!

4:46

Okay, okay, I'll admit it.

I have a problem with the scissors.

I know, I know! I said I would wait til MAY to cut the last of the red off - but it's such a tiny bit! and it was SOOOO tempting.

So. Urm....Saturday night, I rinse the coconutty stuff out of my hair, give it a good combing, admire it's lovely soft moist goodness, then twisted it into about 15 fat twists. I was feeling on the twists, and noticing how the areas of my head without and red came to a nice blunt end, while the red bits trailed off into nothingness. I ignored it (then) and left it alone til Sunday.

Sunday, I get up, and untwist my hair - and then, as I always do about that time, I started playing with it, and picked it out, and I noticed just how LITTLE red hair I had left.

So. I dug around, and found the scissors - and this is what I have left. Ignore the bumpy bits - I didn't hack at my hair THAT badly - I jsut didn't pick it out all the way.



I missed a bit on one side, and in the back too, I think. But still! My natural hair color! Loose! This is a first in like - man - 6 years? 7? I don't know, but it's been a while.

Next - the comparison shots. I realized it was silly of me to try to measure my hair pointing DOWNWARD, when really, all my hair wants to do it go UP. So - next set of pictures, I WILL have a ruler next to my hair. And I'll keep measuring it that way until it's long/heavy enough to hang down on it's own.



That's August/Novemeber/February..... not bad, eh?

So, after I had fun with the picture-taking, I twisted my hair up in a semi-new style - basically just did the flattwists flat down the back of my head, with just two across the top.


The back of my head......

The top of my head.

I frown worriedly at that bigger section at the top of my head - I'm not sure what to think of it - Am I balding? is the hair just thinner up there? Is the flash distorting stuff? Did my dreads always part/wear there so it's just - looser? Is my part just crooked? So. And since I always part differently, I don't know how I would keep up with it... but I AM keeping an eye on it.

Next weekend is henna! Woooooott!!!!!! I think I'll use the henna I got from the halal store - hrm, that means I need to do a new strand test. Dang, and I think I just threw out the hair I trimmed off. I'll have to see if I still have that jar of hair in the cabinet. What? Don't YOU have a jar of hair in your cabinet? :lol:

Oh!! I gotta say hello to MsHelena & SweetAfton & Lambie & CharlieMae & ISABEL!!!!!! :lol: Hiya Girls!! :woot *sigh* I really DO need that smilie EVERYWHERE.

Okay.

I think I'm done.

12:10

Maybe it was an anovulatory cycle - that's the only thing I can think of now. When I take off the forced coverline - there is no obvious evidence of ovulation ANYWHERE - so....yeah.

I'm thinking it might have been the supplements, interestingly enough. I'm not going to take anything next cycle, and see what happens.

Now...I just want my period to come. *sigh*

But woot! I need to work on our budget now.....

12:15

5:14

My temp dropped this morning, and I've had an achy sense in my lower abodmen - at this point, I'm all - if I'm gonna GET my period, come the hell on already, so I can get another one started!

So, yeah. But I'm - interestingly enough, I've become more relaxed over the last few days.

C & I had a funny conversation a few night ago about getting pregnant. And I said - I'm ready, cuz well - I am. But at the same time, I'm so NOT ready. Hello? Baby? Small person that totally depends on me? Totally? TOTALLY? AHHHHHHhhhhhHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Urm. Yeah. So.

So.... *sigh* I feel so much more relaxed - so much more - whooo! Missed the bullet this time!

And really, May IS a much better month - if I concieve in May - I think that maternity leave (paid) will actually cover us til vesting, and then I can just quit, rather than fucking around with the unpaid leave - I mean really, that's just toying with IP at that point.

*grin*

So.

 

Ah!

 

I had a dream last night/this morning. About a baby, and breastfeeding. She was hanging onto a towel bar in the bathroom (http://www.cerebromente.org.br/n09/fastfacts/comportold_i.htm) and she started crying - so I whipped out a boob, and in mid cry, shoved what seemed like 80% into her mouth. She gagged for a second, then stopped crying with this - suprised/expentant look on her face, and then she started sucking. And - it felt - different. It finally clicked that usually, when there is sexual breast play going on, the nipple is the main focus - but in breastfeeding - the nipple is just PART of the whole - and the most force ISN'T on the nipple, but is on the aerola. So. Anyhow, in the dream, I had NO milk - dry as a bone, and she stopped - and the dream changed/ended/I woke up - that was it.

But I felt giddy - like thanks brain! I'm role playing motherhood in my sleep. God. Obsessed much??

And I'm EVER so much more aware of what's going on in my yoni than I've even been - and *shhh* it makes me hornier. I'm not thinking about sex persay - but I'm much more tuned in.

This - this is going to be - interesting, to say the very least.

And - I've decided that I'm going to wait until AFTER my period should have started to test before I actually test - I mean - I KNEW that I should have done that this time, but I gave in to pressure, and tested (and tested, and tested - I think I've taken 4 or 5 tests at this point) - and why? Waiting would tell me the same thing, and tell it even clearer - so why not wait?

Besides. I like the idea of just - listening. Watching. Waitng. Letting nature - and life - flow.

And speaking of flow - I swear - my uterus is slowly peeling it's insides downwards, and flushing me out right now - I feel it, and it feels right.

Okay!

So - I don't need B6 - my luteal phase is QUITE long enough, thank you very much. I'm going to keep taking the EPO (for good CM - even though I didn't see any this time around), and the Vitex - hrm. I don't know. I'll have to think about that one.

I'm also going to start working out again - Monday, in fact. I'm going to copy the final workout plan that I got from Dexter, and use that one as a long term plan.... alternating three to four days I week I think. I think that my cycles were shorter when I worked out as well - so that might do more for me than the supplements would.

*grins* Here we come MayDay - ooohweee, I need to find a spell for a girlchild.

5:41

5:46

And just - eta - because I don't know if I've ever stated this before - but deep in my heart - I think that I will throw only girls. I'll be - thrilled and suprised to give birth to a boy. I don't know WHY I think that - but - I'm just - calmy certain that my babies will be daughters.

5:47

Well.

Because I was out of town last weekend, I didn't do my 'scheduled' treatment, and jsut did a regular DC instead. Then, I was thrown off schedule, and forgot to do my Lenzi's on Tuesday. Instead, I doubled up on Wednesday, and did Lenzis AND moisture, and then did jsut Lenzi on Thursday, and did nothing but take my hair loose on Friday.

I'm sitting here now with a coconut milk/lime/honey/DC mixture on my head - I don't think that I'll EVER be able to do this one without it being amazingly drippy. Therefore - this is going to have to be one of the ONLY non-overnight treatments I have - I'm not willing to get my pillowcase all ick and damp and such.

So - I've had this in for about 2 hours now, and I figure I'll leave it in for another hour or so, then comb it out, rinse it out, then twist my hair up into some fat twists with some WP, and then MAYBE I'll try this new style I've been thinking of since my hair will be semi straight, and I'll have all day to play with it.

Hmmm. What else? Next weekend, I take new hair line shots. And three weekends after that, I can trim my hair.

Well...wait. I didn't go out of town last weekend - I was home, because last weekend was Hubby's Bday. I think I didn't do the coconut milk mix last week because I had planned on going out, and then didn't, and well - I just didn't do it. I did however cut some of my hair last weekend - I cut most of the red off my nape hair - it was amazing how - loose and - curly, it was. It didn't LOOK like my hair - it was - entirely different, and odd. I was thinking about wearing a fro, and I just got sick of the mullet - so I took my scissors to the back of my head. I trimmed about an inch and a half off - I can't WAIT til all this red is gone so that I can put away the scissors and just GROW.

And lately, I've been growing crazy, thinking that my hair breaking off and getting shorter and will.never.grow. I know, I know - crazy type insane - but hey. That's what I've been thinking.

Hrm. I think I'm done.

4:20

Sheesh.

This has been a busy day.  I went to DollarTree to get some tests - as apparently they are the best damn thing EVER for early results.

I've done only two cervix checks today - still no pink, but less creamy discharge - maybe this is just going to be a REALLY long cycle? Jeez. My cervix is also retreating - it's going higher up, and it's getting softer. No where NEAR as hard as it was before, and I think it's opening a little. Hrrm - I wonder if that is a pre-period indication?

I was checking out my charts, and I noticed that when I have longer periods, I have shorter cycles. Short period = longer cycle. What's up with that?

I've had - twinges. Not quite cramps, not quite not-cramps. Just - odd things. And considering my ute would still be the size of my fist, I'm figuring it's my psychosomatic side coming out. 

Tomorrow will be CD45. Which, would be equal to the longest recorded cycle I've had - of which, I started spotting on CD44 (thus the obsessive cervix checks of late).
Of course, it doesn't mean that I won't start bleeding Saturday. Maybe that's what those twinges are. But they are so damn MILD. And my legs don't hurt. And my back doesn't hurt. I've never looked forward to/not looked forward to AF this much before in my life.

I bought three tests. One for tonight. One for tomorrow (if needed). And one for Monday (if needed).

Oh! I wasn't nauseated today - well, I was a little, but I realized that I was actually HUNGRY. How fucked up is that? Hunger doesn't feel like hunger, it feels like hurling.

Gah, I really hope that I'm pregnant, otherwise I'mma feel REAL stupid about all these 'symptoms'. I should pay this much attention to my body ALL the time.

I'm not sure what I'm more scared of. Being pregnant, or NOT being pregnant.

But, right now, at 17DPO, the choice is out of my hands, isn't it?  

4:51

4:23

Wow. This day has gone by in a blur.

So far, I've felt odd sensations twice - I can't tell if they are pre-period cramps, or something else, I don't know. My temp crept up a tiny bit last night, and I've been mildly nauseated alll freaking day - that kind of nausea that tells you if you put the wrong thing in your mouth, you're gonna be hurling for the next three weeks? Yeah, that. I managed to eat lunch today - a salad - though I thought I was going to barf all over it - but once I got about two bites in, it was like *inhale*. I wasn't able to do the fries though.

I've checked my cervix twice today - I figure, if I see the pinky CM the day before I start, and it's traveling all the way down my vagina, I should be able to see it at my cervix at least TWO days before I actually start. Still nothing - and my cervix is AMAZINGLY low. I mean, if it was any lower, I wouldn't HAVE a vagina. *lol* And it's closed so tight that if I didn't KNOW there was supposed to be an opening, I wouldn't think there was one.

I'm alternating between raw terror and gleeful joy - alternating, because I'm me. I'm still stuck in the - whatever man, I'm not pregnant vibe - because I mean, REALLY - the FIRST freaking go around? I mean *sigh* it feels like everyone around me has gone through YEARS of TTC'ing, and I put it OFF for years, and I'm fat, and I'm not the healthiest, and if I've actually CAUGHT? I mean - how freaking off the wall would THAT be? And of course, it's a month too early, and I can't even begin to express how HORRID I feel about debating daycare vs. vesting. I know that I'm going for the money, but - I'm hoping I don't have to make the choice (as in, I'm not pregnant - not something horrid like I'm going to get fired tomorrow). But if I AM - Um, hello in there - stick around, kay? Daycare's never broken a babe, and a mere month won't hurt you - while it might break MY heart (and brain). But - 30 days (I'm figuring that would be about the max) - that's not too bad.

I was thinking how nice it would be if you got your period as SOON as conception failed - talk about wiping the slate clean and going right into a new cycle! But no, our bodies don't work like that. And I'm okay with that.

I always said that the ONE thing I was certain being a mother would teach me is patience. I didn't realize it started before the kid was even confirmed, much less BORN.

4:32

First the iPodness, now this??? Clearly....

I'm bored at work.

And I said that really quietly, because it's 4:22pm, and if I say it loudly, something will break that will have me stuck here until 6pm. Anyhow, me, bored, randoming, ooooh!

[0.1] What were you doing Feb 1st? Um, at work, I'm sure. Bitching about why the hell I didn't have my car yet, definitely.
[0.2] What kind of cell do you have? A Razr.
[0.3] Color socks are you wearing? Black, with wee white bands around the top.
[0.4] How many Harry Potter books do you own? I don't think I own ANY, actually. Hubby might have purchased one, but I never got into the Potter.  
[0.5] Paper: College ruled or Wide lined? Ummm - whatever's cheapest?
[0.6] Do you have a digital camera? Yes, I love my digital camera, it’s fantabulous.
[0.7] Do you have a job? Yes, I have a job which, I mostly hate most days.
[0.8] What color is your jacket? Gray - lovely gray wool.
[0.9] Does it snow where you live? Ocassionally.
[0.10] Ever been to Italy? *frowns* I don't think so - if I had, it would have just been a layover.....but I'm pretty sure that I never made it to Italia...
[0.11] Do you keep your movie tickets? Not on purpose, no.
[0.12] How many phone numbers do you have on your phone? Um, no clue - fifty something?
[0.13] Who was your last text from? Work.
[0.14] Who's your #1 on myspace? I think it's Cinderella, actually, but as I can't check from work, I'm not sure.
[0.15] Do you have a yellow shirt? Funnily enough, I just brought one for a costume party.
[0.16] What month is it? February.
[0.17] You ever lit a match? Why no, I'm not a pyromanic, why do you a.......oh, that wasn't the question. Hehehehee........
[0.18] Can you start a fire? Gimme something other than raw mental powers, and yup.
[0.19] Can you go a day without looking in a mirror? Um, yeah. In fact, I'm sure that I have gone SEVERAL days without looking in a mirror - I know what I look like.
[0.20] Is your bedroom window facing south? Yup.
[0.21] Ever been ductaped?  Dear god, no. That stuffs sticky.
[0.22] You have an older brother? No.
[0.23] Have you ever STARTED a food fight? No, and actually, I don't think I've ever BEEN in one.
[0.24] Can you walk in high heels? Oh, yeah baby!
[0.25] Collect anything? Do books count??
[0.26] Steve or Joe? Steve, definitely.
[0.27] Aren’t penguins awesome? They're aiight.
[0.28] Who'd miss you most if you died? I think it's a split between hubby & my mom.
[0.29] Do you own a scarf? Several actually - a better question would be do I WEAR a scarf...
[0.30] Bald or fat? Well, I'm ALREADY fat, and I happen to like my hair, thankyouverymuch.
[0.31] What color is the blanket on your bed? Red. Glorious, rich, deep, smooth, soft, silky, red.......
[0.32] Do you have an orange ball? I don't have balls at all....oh you didn't mean that kind? Um, the answers still no.
[0.33] Ever been wakeboarding/kneeboarding? Aren't these methods of torture?
[0.34] Ever seen a starfish?  Yup.
[0.35] Can you juggle? For about 3 tosses, sure.
[0.36] Do you tear open your gifts? Depends on the wrapping paper.
[0.37] Mittens or gloves? Ew, ew, ew!! Gloves = cold = the Hate.
[0.38] Whats the longest Halloween candy has lasted with you? Um - until the 2nd, roughly?
[0.39] You're wearing pj's arent you? God, how I wish I was...
[0.40] Fly or laser vision? Flying. I can already cut people dead with my eyes.
[0.41] Looking back- what was your least favorite year? Murph. 2000 was kinda rocky...and before that 1990 sucked pretty majorly.
[0.42] Ever answered a phone that wasnt yours? Yes.
[0.43] Hit anyone with a cart lately? No  - I usually go grocery shopping alone...
[0.44] Where did you work last year?Across the street. I like this place better - fewer bugs....creepy crawly ones, that is.
[0.45] How was your last birthday? I turned 30, therefore it had no choice but to rock.
[0.46] Last song you heard? Expectations, by Minne Riperton
[0.47] Who WONT repost this? Um - pick everyone on my faves list, take out two people, and that about covers it.
[0.48] Roses or carnations? Roses.
[0.49] Last person you yelled at? I don't yell much.
[0.50] Italian or Mexican? Depends on my mood, but I cook more Italian.
[0.51] Ever eat an entire can of frosting? Oh gag me!
[0.52] Strange belief as a child?  I'm from Jupiter.
[0.53] Favorite candybar? Butterfingers.
[0.54] How old were you when you learned to read? 3.
[0.55] Size jeans you wear? *sigh* It depends on the maker. I wear anything from an 18 to a 24. Bitches.
[0.56] Last time you had a headache? Couple days ago.
[0.57] First car? 2002 Mazda Protege - black, fast.
[0.58] Do you have Barbies? Ummmm - I used to, but I think I ditched em or gave them away mannnny moves ago.
[0.59] Whats on your bedroom walls? Nothing, actually. Our headboard is so high that the big sexy picture won't fit over it (okay, it will, I jsut don't feel like hammering in another nail)
[0.60] Insert random word here: Entre-vous
[0.61] Do you own anything sharp? Mwuauaua. Poke me and find out.
[0.62] Whats the first word you think of when you hear- Lake: ? Michigan.
[0.63] What color is your watch? I don't think I own a working watch....okay, it might work, but I wouldn't know as I haven't worm one in YEARS.
[0.64] Ever been pushed off something? Yes.
[0.65] Last time you were hyper? Hmmm....it's been a while, actually.
[0.66] Do you like poprocks?  Eh. I can take em or leave em.
[0.67] How about poptarts? GROSS! I mean, if I wanted to eat something that damn dry, I'd have a rice cake.
[0.68] Have you ever been pantsed? Been what? Is this a British survey? Sneaky Brits.
[0.69] Do you like head phones or earphones? Earphones... I don't like stuff on my ears..it makes me think bugs are trying to climb into my ear canal.
[0.70] What color is your printer? White.
[0.71] Do you use pencils or pens? Pens. Very, very fine-tipped pens.
[0.72] Do you like to take bubble baths? Actually, no. I'm not much of a bathtype girl, largely because I refuse to take a bath in a tub that hasn't been freshly cleaned, and I refuse to take a bath in a tub that has cleaner residue in it.
[0.73] Do you use lotion as soon as you get out of the shower? On my face, yes. everywhere else - no.
[0.74] Why do girls always "talk shit" on someone? Because people are shitty.
[0.75] How do you like your toast? Just gently browned, slathered with real butter (and it MUST have melted into the bread) with just a smear of jam.
[0.76] Do you like pulp in your orange juice? Gag.
[0.77] Do you think we should eliminate pennies? Do I care? No.
[0.78] Do you like the Wizard of Oz?  Oh yes!
[0.79] Do you prefer pullover hoodies or zip-up ones? Hoodies? Okay, a 16 year old Brit?
[0.80] What body of water is closest to your house? Mississippi River.
[0.81] Did you ever make ornaments for your tree in art class when you were younger?  a) No Art Class b) Grew up Muslim c) No.
[0.82] What's your favorite kind of cereal? Corn Pops.
[0.83] What kind of sneakers to you own? Nikes, I think they are?
[0.84] Do you live in a brick house? Nope.
[0.85] What grade are you in? See - told you it was a 16 year old!
[0.86] What color is the carpet in your bedroom? Beige.
[0.87] At your school are you required to cover your books? SEEEEE!!!! Damn Kids.
[0.88] Do you have those lazer mouses or just the regular ones with the ball? Gah, non-spelling kids at that! I have a laSer mouse, by the way. Or is that British spelling? Gah.
[0.89] Do you have a dog? No.
[0.90] What is its name? Urm, this really could have been combined with the above question to prevent me having to answer a ....oh bloody hell, no dog, thus no name.
[0.91] Do you own designer labels? Um. Hmmmm. I don't think so.
[0.92] Do you see yourself getting married? What is it with these surveys trying to make me a bigamist? Is this a sign?
[0.93] If you could go on a date with anyone...who would it be? Blech. Dating.
[0.94] What are you considered? (ex. prep, goth, emo, jock..) I take it back - it's an American 16 y/o. And for the record, I'm the one in the back laughing at all of the cliques bitterly.
[0.95] Are you in the "popular" crowd?  Nope. Never have been, suspect I never will be. *sigh* Does this make me emo?
[0.96] Does your group of friends have a "name" to call themselves? I used to be part of the Trio.
[0.97] What is your least favorite word? Snow.
[0.98] What is your favorite non alcoholic drink? They MAKE drinks without alcohol? Dang. Um. Water.
[0.99] Do you like Cher? The singer, or the chick frm Clueless?
[100.] How do you feel about the movie "Clueless?" *ROFLOL* I swear, I hadn't read this question when I answered the previous one. It was aiight.
[101.] When was the last time you shaved your legs? July? August? I need the fur to stay warm.
[102.] What did you have for lunch today? I didn't eat lunch. I know, I KNoooow.
[103.] What is your favorite holiday and why? Whichever one ends up giving me the most days off.
[104.] Do you ever think about your future spouse? Stop it!! I'm already married! Are you trying to kill him off, or something??
[105.] Do you ever watch any of the award shows on TV? Um, no. In fact, I tend to avoid them like a plauge of acidic snow.
[106.] How often do you drink soda? Once or twice a week, usually less.
[107.] Who was your favorite teacher in elementary school and why? Homeschooled, so really, I only had one teacher - me Mam!
[108.] Do you use mouthwash when you brush your teeth? *gag* No. The combination of mouthwash & toothpaste? *gggaaaggg*
[109.] Do you use body wash or soap? Soap about 90% of the time.
[110.] Do you like any reality shows? Does MythBusters count?
[111.] What is the name of the book you’re currently reading? Shockingly enough, I'm not reading ANYTHING currently. I just finished one series, and I haven't decided on my next.
[112.] Do you do your laundry every week or do you wait until you have absolutely no clothes to wear and no choice but to do laundry? As I only have about a weeks worth of work appropiate clothing (that is rapidly dying away) if I DON'T wash every week, I'm in trouble.
[113.] What’s your opinion of Angelina Jolie?Now see, if there was someone who I MIGHT push C off a bridge in order to marry? Oooh yes. I'd be a bigamist for yooouuuu.....
[114.] What color underwear are you wearing? Black, I think.....
[115.] Are you a Starbucks whore? No.
[116.] Do you have a pearly white smile? *snorks* No, not since drinking ironlaced spring water for all the years my adult teeth were forming.
[117.] Do you wear a lot of jewelry? Wedding set, always. Ring on right hand, usually. Earrings, always, unless I forget to put them in. Necklace, most of the time.
[118.] Do you have a particular brand of water you prefer over another? I am sooooo not a water connisour (or however you spell that). As long as it isn't NOTICABLY tainted, *shrugs* it's WATER.
[119.] Do you like your grandparents or do they annoy you? I love my Gramma!
[120.] Do you like sports? *waggles hand back and forth* eh, I can take it, I can leave it.
[121.] Do you love being the center of attention or would you rather be a fly on the wall? Fly on the wall, most of the time.
[122.] Are you still in high school? Seeee!!!! And no. I missed my 10 year reunion, if that gives you a GENERAL idea of how long it's been. Jaysus. I'm getting old.
[123.] What do you plan on majoring in (if you want to go to college)? Hrm. Knowing what I know now, and knowing who I was then, I think I'd still take a comp Sci major.
[124.] What is your favorite accent? British, actually. *sigh* Nothing sexier than a fiooone black man with a smooth British accent. *fans self*
[125.] Where is your dream vacation? Anyplace with sun, sand, and water. All preferablly non-polluted and free of woman-eating creatures.
[126.] Would you ever think of studying abroad? Even considering how long I've been out of school, I'd still love to study abroad.
[127.] Have you ever been fishing? Nope.
[128.] What do you think of guys wearing pink? Depends on the outfit.
[129.] Do you ever watch the news? Actually, THIS is what I avoid like an acidic plague of snow.
[130.] Have you ever been pulled over? If so, why? Speeding. Always speeding.
[131.] Do you shave anywhere besides your legs and underarms?  Considering I rarely shave my legs or my underarms.....I'm not sure how to answer this. I actually most likely shave my mound more than I shave my legs.
[132.] What is your cell phone service provider? Cingular.
[133.] What does your fifth text in your inbox say? I only have one in my inbox - and that one I'm saving for sentimental reasons.
[134.] What was the last amusement park you have been to? Six Flags over something or another.
[135.] Are you a homebody or do you prefer to be out? Homebody. I love my home.
[136.] What is the brand of bra you are wearing now? Cacique.
[137.] Do you have a big family? No, it’s very small.
[138.] Have you ever been involved in a major weather disaster (hurricane, tornado, etc.)?  Involved? I watched tornado form from my front porch once....I kissed outdoors in the middle of  Hurricane Opal.... do either of those count?
[139.] Do you enjoy science or do you hate it?  I LOVE science. It usually makes sense.
[140.] Do you watch medical shows or do you think they’re too unrealistic? I can't stand the sight of surgery, and baby shows make me hoarse.
[141.] Who is your favorite comedien? Carlos Mencia.
[142.] What do you think of when you think of Florida? Warmth. Wonderful, glorious, warmth. Crashing housing market. Old people.
[143.] Do you love or hate Valentine’s Day? Oh, I despise Love Costs Money Day.
[144.] How many pillows do you sleep with? Only one. One lovely, fluffy, soft, tender, huge, wonderful, pillow.
[145.] What’s your favorite thing to snack on? Smartfood, dude.
[146.] Do you exercise? I used to, then accident, and I stopped. I think I'll start back up next week.
[147.] How much money do you have on you? Cash, you mean? About 3 bucks, I'd guess.
[148.] Do you use Post-Its? I use them, I love them.
[149.] What was the last board game you played? Um. Inner Circle, most likely.
[150.] What was the last thing you bought? Dinner from Subway, last night.

See - I'm done, it's 5:17, and I'm going home.

G'night lovelies.

 

12:23

I feel creamy damp, but I'm resisting the urge to go to the bathroom and wipe, because I'm almost certain that it will be pink.

I'm silly, really, as I didn't really WANT to be pregnant this early. While yes, I did already have someone lined up who does in house infant care only, bah. I'd much rather be able to stick to the original plan, and get knocked up later.

Anyhow. Two things - one that I read, one that I realized.

One of the gals on FF wrote that TTCing is stressful, because there's little that you can control. I think that's an issue of attitude, more than truth. For me, it's more relaxing because there is so little that I can control - I can merely try my best, and then sit back and let nature takes it's flow.....

The other thing that I was reading about was chemical pregnancies - which is apparently when the blastocyte dies before implantation - so that you can actually GET a positive (if you test early) but then still have your period occur.

I'm still pretty certain I went through one miscarriage - that period Dec 2004 was SOOO wonky, and heavy, and LONG - dear god, was it long - that yeah, in my heart, I'm pretty confident that was a missed pregnancy - and I'm assuming that I miscarried because I still had the IUD in - even if it was only partially in.

So. That's yet another reason to wait to test until it's actually TIME to test - rather than testing at CD10 & 11, and wondering why it's negative - like I did this cycle. Yeah, yeah, I know - I haven't told anyone ELSE, but I wanted to keep a private record, just for myself. Okay, I was testing then because if I got a + before C's birthday, I was going to share it with him then. So.

Annnnnyhow. Over on C2PP, there is a thread going about not testing - at all. Just letting your body signs (and the slowly swelling belly) confirm the pregnancy for you. That's some REAL earthmother shit there, and while I would LIKE to do that - it's going to have to wait til a later pregnancy - so that I at least have an idea of what I should be seeing/feeling. The whole yucky tummy/constantly sleepy/spacebrained thing is - well, normal enough for me, that I can't really take them as SIGNS. And, besides, I remember so little from the first go-round, that I don't really trust my memories. Thus, this secret journal, this time around. Mwuahahah!

Besides, I'd love to be able to share this with the wee ones - minus the cursing, perhaps.

12:37

iPodness - Tonight's the Night

I considered cheating a few times, but I was good. So steal it, cuz you know you want to.

The Rules? (We don't need no stinking rules!)

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to each question.

--

What does next year have in store for me?
"Hustla" - Nappy Roots (Hmm, yup. Assuming next year = 2008, I can TOTALLY see this one)

What does my love life look like?
"TimeCrash" - Eric Serra (Hmmm - this is from the Fifth Element Soundtrack, but I can't remember what scene...)

What do I say when life gets hard?
"Ahh Haa" - L.A Sno (It's usually more along the lines of Ahh Shit, but that works.)

What do I think of when I get up in the morning?
"Why Keep on Breaking my Heart" - Nina Simone (Since getting out of my dreamily comfy bed = heartbreak on a daily basis, yah.)

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
"My Heart Can't Take Much More" - Changing Faces (As I've already had a wedding, I suppose my heart CAN'T take much more, as it would be against the law.)

What is my state of mind at the moment?
"The Last Goodbye" - Atomic Kitten (Hrm - taint time to leve work yet, so - hrm.)

How will I die?
"Gift from Virgo" - Beyonce (Virgo - the Virgin, right? Holding a bow? So I'mma get shot by an arrow? Hmmm.....)

The song that will be played at my funeral:
"Kuh's Theme" - Kuh (If I could change that to K's Theme, it would work nicely- as things go, it's a pleasant instrumental.)

The song I'll put as the subject of this entry:
"Tonights the Night" - Pink (Really?? I don't have any plans....)

The song that describes my friendships:
"Rock Your Body" - Justin Timberlake (*redfaced blushing* Oh, shut up.)

The song that describes my future marriage:
"Next Lifetime:Live" - Erykah Badu (Good, because I happen to LIKE the husband I have this lifetime)

The song that describes my future children:
"Walk of Ju" - Sweetback (Um - they will walk early? They will all convert to Judaism?)

The song that describes what this summer will be like:
"4-Leaf Clover" - Erykah Badu (Lucky me!)

The song that describes what people think of me:
"Cold Cold Heart" - Norah Jones (Okay, so yes, I CAN be a raving bitch at times.....what about it? Hmm? Hhhhmmmm?????)

The song that describes how I did in school:
"Wasted Time" - Me'Shell Ndegecello (*ROFLOL* Well hell, I coulda told you that!)

The song that describes how nice a career I'll have:
"Next Lifetime" - Erykah Badu (Okay, Um. I guess that means I'm not going to HAVE a career this go round?.)

The song that describes my personality:
"MotherFather" - Musiq (Hmmmm......yeah, I like taking care of folx, and what?)

11:08

So, I'm pretty certain that I'm not pregnant...which isn't a bad thing at all. *sigh* It's not a good thing either, it's just - as it is.

I think that is one thing that I will have to keep reassuring myself of all through this journey - things are as they are. It's a rather cut & dried thing, pregnancy is. Either you are, or you aren't - and the only thing that can decide is totally out of my hands. Well, after ovulation, it is. I have no influence on what is going on under my heart - no control, no awareness - nothing but hope. Hope that I ovulated. Hope that the sperm swam. Hope my CM didn't kill them all off. Hope that the egg & sperm met. Hope that it implanted.

I've also decided that I won't be POAS until I'm actually late. Once again - a matter of time, and if AF shows, I won't have wasted a stick, and if she doesn't show, well - hopefully the stick won't be wasted.

I'm so glad that I pulled my head out of my silliness and realized that I CAN write about what's going on inside of me, and have it stored up to share - later. That's one thing that I really regret about my first pregnancy - that I didn't write down ANYTHING of what I was thinking/feeling/processing until afterwards, rather than speaking of it while it was actually going on.

I don't feel any different. The itchy thighs have eased, a LOT. 14DPO - 2 days left to AF.

12:24

So. My temps are still rising, and I don't feel like my period is about to come on.

I'm still vaguely freaked out about it..... but not because I'm not READY - well, yeah, kinda because I'm not ready. I - I expected a bit of lag time.... a bit of time to get used to the idea that now, now, I'm actually trying to get pregnant. You know how I am about having transition time - I'm so not used to change.

I've POAS twice - once on Friday morn, once on Saturday, both were negative. I think I'm just too early. Or, I'm not pregnant, and I'm tripping for no good reason.... who knows? Well, I'll know in about 4 days, one way or another.

I'm more - acidic - my inner thighs itch like CRAZY anytime I sweat - I've been going without panties as much as possible. I was tired right after Ovulation, but - I've been fine since then.

I don't know. My boobs don't hurt. But really - I shouldn't notice anything until well after implantation, right?

12:34

Finally Caved In....

http://www.myspace.com/reluctantlyk

Dammit.

Add me, add you. If you know of any good indie/underground music, leave me a note to add them too....

I'm so ashamed. *covers face*

Ahhh.... it's been a while since I've written, laregley cuz well - same old same old with the hair.

I was out of town over the weekend, and I played with my hair (mangled it, more likely). First, there was the costume party that required my hair to be in little puffs - that was simple enough. But then, I had to do a quick flattwist (down either side of my head) as a style - and that didn't work so well. It's interesting - I think that my hair is getting THICKER - it's ALMOST the same length as it was before when I did that style (if not a little longer), but I can't get the hair to 'tuck' in proper - so I think I've slowed on length, and am gaining thickness (which is really just a different SORT of length) for right now.

Monday night, I did the RDC, and then did my usual flattwists - jsut a little skinnier this time - and it's VERY nice looking. I should have taken a picture when I first finished them - I'm the most pleased over these. The red in my hair is fading, fading, fading away - right now I have the most red in the front of my head, and it goes down the middle of my head like a reddish mohawk. The back hairline still has a good bit of red left on it too. Interestingly enough, those sections of hair are the 'looser' sections - a 3c texture, maybe.

Also! I've started to be able to see the henna on my hair - it's a interesting purplish cast in BRIGHT direct light. So - that's exciting, and gives me a push to keep doing the henna, besides all the other rocking stuff - eventually, dammit, I WILL have red hair. *lol*

I'm starting to think about cutting my hair again....last time was in late december, right? So, March would be about right.... the new moon is on the 19th, and the equinox should be the 20th, so I might do it that weekend - the 24th. Oh, poo, our anniversary is in the middle of the week - that sucks.

What else, what else? I'm pretty much at peace with my hair. I still am doing to Lenzi's on T/Th, and adding moisture M/W/F. I got some MTG in a swap that I'm thinking about using, but there have been varied reports about the safety in pregnancy, so - hmmm, I don't know, I don't know. The Lenzi's will last for at LEAST another 3-4 months though, so I've got plenty of time to decide.

I think - I'm not SURE - but I think my texture is changing. It's - interesting. I don't know WHAT'S going on up there, really.

Another interesting thing that I kinda sorta think I saw when I was flattwisting my wet hair - what looked like patches of yellow 'goo' on my scalp. I usually have virutally NO build up on my scalp, and I can't see them once my hair dries, so I have no CLUE what the heck it was....but I'm so not worried about it.

I think that my hair is breaking off more than I would want it to though. I'm thinking that it's still mainly the dyed/damaged bits, as it looks like the thickness is traveling down the twists that I do - but still.....I'm not super worried about it, just - murph.

It's cold too, which sucks majorly.

Okay, I think that's all I've got.

Things....

....also known as the brief listing of everything that's not worthy of an entry, but worthy of words.

1) We owe so much bloody money to the IRS it isn't funny. Talked to a tax person, and realized that we basically claimed TWO extra people. *weeps*

2) Finally went and became a LifeTime Member - I wanna be a part of OD as long as OD is around, and doing this now means that I won't have to be trying to rake up 2/12/24 bucks later.

3) C's Birthday is on the morrow (32, the old dear) and I need to get home before him to wrap his gifts. And oh, he GOT gifts. But, I also hooked myself up with a few things I'd been wanting, so, I'm happy.

4) It's. Bloody. COLD. And I think I heard one of my coworkers say something about snow on the morrow - *weeps* And I think hubby wants to run the streets - Brrrrr. *checks weather* *weeps* *wipes it from her mind* All I know is, I'm NOT going to be happy bout being DD if it's snowing.

5) It's FRIDAY!!! Wooooottt!! And I have TOYS!!! Woooooooooooooooooot!

Ummm. I think that's it. I STILL haven't caught up with everyone yet, but ya'll have a good weekend, ya hear?

Doula, Doula, wherefore art thou, Doula?

*LOL*

Okay - enough people have asked about the doula client that I'll write the whole thing out....

I'll start with the birth story, then explain why I'm debating if I want to get certified.

---

L was due 2/13. Dad was out of the country until 2/1, and once he was back, they immeadiately went into the rush of SIL's wedding (which was on 2/3), so they both had late nights the 2nd and the 3rd.

I got called the first time the morning of the 4th (Sunday, around 4am) - L had been having regular contractions, and she thought her water broke, and so they went into the hospital, but labor stalled and they determined that her water had not broken, and sent her home. When they checked her then, she was about 3cm/50% - so, her body was definitely warming up for labor. They also noted that she seemed to be a little low on amniotic fluid. I suggested to her that she was most likely dehydrated, which was starting to bring on her labor a little early, and suggested that she REST and DRINK as much as possible.

So. Monday - she goes to work, still having on and off contractions - and she hasn't been getting much sleep.

I get called again Tuesday morning, they are at the OB's, she's 4cm/75%, contractions 5-7 minutes apart, and they want her to check in. (9:30am)

They check in, and since she was Group B Strep+ (and she didn't get retested that morning as I suggested to confirm that she was still +), they set up her IV for a bag of fluid and pennicilin. I started getting a little concerned at that point, because she was SO dehydrated that they could barely find a vein to insert the IV into, and I was worried that loading her up with fluid would cause her labor to slow down (assuming that it was dehydration related). They finally call in an anethesilogist (spelling, I know), who after three pokes, was able to get a vein - and she gets the first bag. (10:30am). She's laboring pretty good, having some back and hip pain, and she's TIRED (yet another source of worry). She's labored out of bed the entire time - slowdancing with R, squatting at the end of the bed, leaning, the whole nine.

So - She's laboring, I'm doing counterpressure and hip presses, and the bag of fluid don't seem to be slowing her down any. The doc comes in, checks her - 5cm/100% - say's that he's spoken to her doc, and they want to break the waters. (Should I have encouraged her to question this??) I let her know that it will increase the intensity of her contractions as she's going to lose that cushion of water, but that hopefully, it will allow labor to move along, and encourage her cervix to dilate. She agrees to having her water broken (11:15ish), and after about 3 or 4 contractions, she's asking for an epidural.

Now - she had always leaned towards an epidural from the start. I fully educated her (and reminded her) of the side effects, and the potential cascade, but she was TIRED. And - I was concerned that even if she DID labor all the way through - working off of little to no sleep for the last 4 days, AND no food for the last 16 hours at this point - things wouldn't be pretty once we hit 2nd stage.

So - she gets her epi @ noon, but it doesn't fully take - so now she can only feel the contractions on her left side - and she's starting to run a fever. Now - two of her friends (who were there much later) told me that they were feeling a little sickish - maybe something flu-like - and they were all together all weekend. So - she has a fever, but she's shivering, AND her whole body aches........esp. her back.
Alex has been doing fine the whole time - heart rates going variable as it should. She requests, and gets a second epi @ 1:30ish. By 2:45pm, it's fully kicked in, and she's not feeling anything. Now - they kicked me out of the room for both epi's (hospital policy), and by the time I get back into the room after the second Epi, they've also hung a bag of pitocin, and they are giving her tylenol suppositories to try to manage the fever, and inserted a catheter. She's also working on a pretty nice headache now.

They come and check her again at around 4:30ish, and she's 6, and Alex is showing a bit of a caput^[1] - which is a little disheartening for her. I remind her that the epi may have slowed down labor, and that her body may be acknowledging that she's tired, and slowing down to give her a chance to rest. She sleeps on and off for about the next hour or so....

Around 5:30, the doc comes in, checks her again, and starts talking section - the 'slow' labor, the fever she's running, and Alex has gone through a couple of decels....so - they are starting to 'manage' a bit more. They insert an internal contraction monitor, and up the pit. He tells her that they need to see some progess, or it's going to be definitely a section. L starts crying at this point - she already felt that she 'wimped' out because of the epi, and now she's seriously wondering if it was a bad choice. I try to soothe her by assuring her that she's done really WELL, and that her exhaustion (and lack of food!), made getting the epi a wise idea - just so that she could rest.

They come back to check her around 6:45ish, and she's gone up to 8, and Alex still has a caput. They are realllllly starting to push a section now, telling her that because of the caput, they aren't sure that he will be able to descend fully. I've had her upright as much as possible so that his head is pressing in the right spot, but even with the pit, her contractions are - iffy. She's had *thinks* 3 bags of fluid by now, and so I'm strongly suspecting that she was having early labor due to dehydration, and her body and Alex aren't really ready.....

Her doc - at least the doc that was actually going to deliver her, not the doc who had been seeing her all through her pregnancy - becaue THAT doctor (her actual doctor) was out of town, and the TWO other docs that came in were just covering for her REPLACEMENT while he was in surgery - comes in around 8:15 or so, and she is still 8, Alex hasn't descended any further, he still has a caput, and the epi is starting to wear off, and she's still tired - and he tells her that they are strongly pushing for a section, because he doesn't feel like waiting would make any difference. L is not happy - but she's worn down at this point. She's - defeated isn't the right word - she was exhausted. So - she agrees.

Alex is born at about 8:45 that evening.


My overall feeling?

It wasn't time for her to go into labor. She was tired, and dehydrated, and stressed, and she went into labor - and since she wasn't comfy with laboring at home she went into the hospital a little too early.

I think - because of her exhaustion - that the epi was a good idea because it DID give her a chance to rest - but I also think that 64 oz of water and a big meal might have done the same thing.

I wasn't there for the discussion - if there was any - of the need for pit, but by that point - I'm sure her labor had slowed down - and since they had broken her water, they needed to keep things going.

I feel like I was a good doula in that I helped her though her labor before the epi, and that I suggested things to her to do, and I reassured her, and both mom and dad said that they were MOST pleased with what I had done and that I kept them sane and calm ......

But at the same time, I feel like I failed her because she had a c-section. But - the things that I could have influenced were in the past - I couldn't sit on her and make her drink and sleep. I couldn't stop her from desiring an epi - despite the sideffects that she knew about. I feel like - it was really out of my hands, and I did the best I could with what I had, and... therefore I'm sorta rockish.

But - I'm still. Not happy.

[1] Caput - generalized swelling of the scalp tissue, just fluid, soft, crosses suture lines, that disappears within a few hours or days.

---

So. That's the story, that's the tale.

Why am I debating if I want to get certified? Because, now I'm debating if I want to be a doula - or if I want to go directly into midwifery. I feel like I let her down because I WASN'T as strong of a part of her prenatal care. I felt like I let her down because she called the doctors before she called me. I'm wondering if I - if I have the - distance - to stand to one side, and watch these women that I call clients be subjected to what I KNOW is a lower maternal standard of care. And I don't think I do. And in my mind, that is what being a doula would be to me....only doing half of the job that I need/want to do.

So I'm confused, a little. I LOVED helping her, being there - supporting her, talking to her, soothing her - doing all that felt SO right and so good. But - I felt like my hands were tied, somehow. I'm still in awe and in love with birth and labor and babies.

I went back to the hospital *thinks* 3 days after he was born - well, it was the middle of the afternoon, so 2.5 days old, really. He was the loveliest little boy - so tiny and sweet and soft and warm - and heavy. No - solid. He was so tiny and so DENSE all at once. And I was overjoyed because look! A new human - the newest person I'd ever held in my life! And yet, I was so sad, seeing all the fur still on his ears (and according to mom, his shoulders, legs, and back), and smelling his tiny head and smelling nothing but sharp chemicals and sour milk.

*sigh*

I know that I don't know yet but a fraction of what a good midwife would know. And I know that I know a good bit more about labor and BIRTH than most people know. I'm fully aware that I know little to nothing about pregnancy and the process - though, I'm certain I have more in my head than I am aware of.

This is the first time I've really - put all this into words... I've been mulling over the emotions and my reaction to it for a while - one of the reasons I've been so quiet lately (besides the new internet pretties and the incredible busyness).... I've been thinking about my whole life-plan.

Here, there, everywhere.

Okay, so, I'm still alive, I've just been balls to the wall busy - or distracted by other internet pretties - the only thing better than internet is NEW internet, ya know??

So - in the last - however long it's been since I've posted I've

1) Doula'd for my first client - who ended up with a section because she entered labor a) exhausted and b) dehydrated. *sigh* But - her little one has joined us, and it was a rocking experience (despite not getting my birth high) but it has me questioning whether I really WANT to get certified.....

2) Finally - FINALLY - got my Car. I haven't taken any picture yet, as it's been too damn bloody cold to stand outside and take pictures, but I have her, and she is wonderful.

3) Spent an unGODLY amount of money for C's birthday (and got a little something for myself too)

4) Spent far more time than was REALLY needed in my lovely bed. The pictures simply don't do it justice.

I've been trying to keep up - but I know I've been slacking. I miss ya'll! I think I'm almost out of the honeymoon with my new timespending sites, so I'll be around MUCH more often.

Heh.

*smooches*

8:15

My fingers have fallen deaf and dumb. This time, I wonder - is it real? How can I suddenly want - hope - crave something so badly? I can't talk about anything without the bubbling wonder in the back of my head - is this it?

I've been sleepy lately, and in my mind, I shoot back to late March 99, and think of how tired I was then. I thought it was depression, but maybe I'm one of those mommas who just NEEDS sleep during that first bit of time.

But now, I'm awake again, so maybe not.

It's - amazing to look at EVERYTHING with new eyes - and tiring.

It's not the worry, really, it's the wait. It's the slow, slow march of time that comes between then and now.

I was horny, see. *laugh* And that was the first sign. And then, the moon was a short bit after full. And that - that was another sign. And, it was Imbolc - the time of summoning the Mother and planting the Seed. And - we just got our brand new bed - the family bed is what it is - and broke it in, late that night.

I knew I was ovulating that day or the next. And I kept telling my (usually horny self) that I had to be SURE to use a condom (cuz see, I knew we were going to do the deed).

One more month is all....just a little extra delay I kept whispering - but my body was like - Bitch, please.

So.

My temp dropped the morning we broke in the bed. Well. I went to sleep at 2:30 am, I took my temp at 6:15am, and it was the drop.

*screams inside head*

It's - interesting - holding all this in. It bubbles up inside me at the oddest times. I love C like I never have before - and this is just the FIRST 2ww! What if I'm not pregnant? Can I stand this sort of joyous, fearful, wondering waitfulness for a year? two? When does it turn into envy and anger? *sigh*

And the shame I feel in almost sorta hoping that I'm NOT pregnant, so that I can stick to my schedule as far as quitting after maternity leave fully vested? I know, I know - money over babies! How horrid. *lol* I feel ever so much better now.

So.

That's the tale from February 4th to today.

It's now 8:36pm

So.... I rinsed the henna out, and figured I would try a quick DC with the other DC stuff I got last week - the Doo Gro Stuff. *scrolls up* Okay, I did talk about my shopping trip, but I didn't talk about the Doo Gro stuff, because once I got home, I read the label - and SUPRISE! It had petroleum in it.

Anyhow, I figured since I KNEW I was going to have to recondition my hair in order to comb it after wearing it out - why not try the stuff?? And - Ew. My hair was - drier somehow, and tangly, and - ew. Definitely did NOT approve. Anyhow, I ran some HH and some H through my hair, picked it out, pushed it back with a old kneehigh, and rolled out to Imbolc.

My hair is amazing. I don't think I've mentioned that lately, but my hair REALLY rocks. It's got AMAZING curl that translates into shrinkage - but then, it's so MALLIABLE, and easy to make straight.
I've been CONSIDERING getting a flat iron. Purely out of curiousity, really. Hehehehe. I'd really much rather just borrow one, as I doubt I'd use it after the first time I did it, and realized that I STILL hate my hair straight.

Also - my hair is DEFINITELY getting longer - and I just noticed it. I'm playing with my loose hair......

Okay. Let me go back to me saying that my hair rocks. It's - amazing. I mean - it's thick....no - it's DENSE. It's a solid cushion - it's my heads memory foam! I - I realyl wish I could describe my hair. It's wiry - but soft. It's curly - and - I mean - CURLY. It's truly like what I think lambs wool would feel like - how amazing it would be to lay on a blanket that felt like my hair!

Okay - like I was saying, I'm sitting here palaying with my hair, and I realized that it was long enough that I could pull it in front of me, and look at my ends without rolling my eyes ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way into the top of my head.... just halfway up there. *LOL*

And considering my recent chopping, I'm very pleased by that. I'm wondering if my spring/summer growth spurt is about to start. That would SOOO rock.

As much as I love, and honor, and all that good stuff my hair - I know that I still have some issues with it. It was funny - and sad - me this afternoon trying to figure out how to style my loose hair. I think it's still not long enough to do whatI Want it to do, but at the same time there is always that niggling wonder of - what am I basing what is acceptable on? Having grown up in an environment - in a culture - where nappy hair is NOT cool - how can I judge my own work - knowing that no matter HOW objectively I try to look at it - I'm still prejudiced AGAINST the hair that grows out of my head.
It's sad. And I don't know what set of lens I need to wear to be able to make a difference... but.... well.

I'mma keep saying my hair just isn't long enough to do what I want it to do. And ignore the deeper implications of that. If there are any.

Anyhow - interestingly enough - my colored ends are 'looser' than my natural hair - around my hairline (where all my hair is looser - all the way around my head) it looks like I have relaxed ends, and everytime I look at them my fingers twitch towards the scissors - but I'm being good.

Ooohhhh!

Monthly schedule.

Week 1 - Henna
Week 2 - RDC (Real Deep conditioning - ie, using a deep conditioner)
Week 3 - Coconut Lime Soak (I REALLY have to figure out a way to make this LESS drippy)
Week 4 - Clarifying Conditioner
Week 1 - Henna

Really, the only think I changed was replacing the DC with a RDC but....

Hell. I supposedly cowash - okay, most of the time, what I REALLY do is DC with whatever, and scrub at my scalp, and then rinse it all out. I'm wondering... well - after the cocunut & lime I always cowash, to comb it. Same with the henna. So - that would be cowashing every other week, and rinsing throughly every other week.

Now - *thinks* I'm using H&W on my hair twice a week, and LR on my hair twice a week - and that's about it, except some WP when I twist my hair.....and sometimes some H as a in leave-in.

All cone-free, all water soluble.... Hm. I'm wondering if 'washing' my hair less has been the reason for the fabulously silky states of hair the last two weeks?

Innnnteresting.

Good lord, I've written a book and a half.

And really, I don't THINK about my hair all the time. It's just. Well. This is the only place I TALK about my hair, and I think fast.

G'night.

The Delights of home.....

So, FINALLLY. After - oh, months - seriously - like two months, our bed is finally done. The headboard is recovered, the platform is built, the mattress is here, the memory foam matress pad is here, we have duvet covers and sheets and pillows and the 'down' comfortor we've had for at least a year and.....

It's FABULOUS. Oh my god. seriously, yall - climbing into that bed is an orgasmic experience - even if I'm climbing in alone. It STILL takes up 90% - okay, okay, 85%, of our bedroom, but you know what? I. Don't. CARE.

This is the headboard I recovered in black 'leather'. It was orignally a pale brown microfiber, that me & C both knew would get INSTANTLY dirty, so - we wanted leather. It was actually MUCH easier than I thought it would be to cover it - even the corners didn't give me TOO much of a problem.

These are the hot little nightstands that light up (we have nightstands! Real ones, not ones made out of a stack of books and a milk crate!) That's my light stand, with my marvelous sunlight alarm clock, a good book, and my thermometer....

So - FINALLY - there's our bedroom/bedset. I forgot to take pictures of the anteroom (which isn't finished yet, anyhow) so I'll do those - later.

Hahhaaaahhaa!! I didn't realize the last thing I wrote was that wonderful rant. Sheesh! I don't know what it's been this week - if it's not one thing, it's another - I feel like I'm being sucked into - drama - but really, it's just that I'm interacting with PEOPLE instead of being a freaking hermit like I normally am - and people can be STTTUUUUPPPPPPPIIIID.

Anyhow, I decided that despite having to do something tomorrow, I DO have enough time to henna this weekend, so I did. FNWL henna, hot water - sat for about 45 minutes. Added conditioner & honey, slapped it in. I'm officaliy in LOVE with FNWL henna - I need to buy some more, actually. I had a little left over, enough for a light application.

My hair was fabulous AGAIN. I don't know if it's the fact that my hair is actually properly moisturized, or if the Lenzi's Request is doing something, or WHAT - but my hair felt freakin FABULOUS. And - I'm seeing a LOT fewer broken hairs - sheds, yes, but much fewer brokens.
:hollie I may have actually found a - ROUTINE. *gasp*

I also FINALLY took pictures of my hairline to keep up with the results from LR. I'm - shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, by how bad my hairline looks.



Today's the second, so I plan on taking the same series of shots in March, April, May, etc, etc until I'm out of Lenzi's. Pictures really are worth a thousand words.

Hrrm. I think I'm going to wear my hair out tomorrow - I'm going to SG's Imbolc Ritual at 3pm, and I want to sleep in late... so I doubt I'll have alot of time to fiddle with my hair after I rinse the henna out. I'm thinking about running some humectress and some HH through it, and rocking a wee fro.

I've started using the palm kernal oil that I got in a swap on my skin - and oh. my. GOD. This stuff is FABULOUS on my skin - it's the best ever. It makes me feel all smooth and wonderful and suchlike.

I'm thinking about trying something different with my flat twists next time I do them.... we shall have to see. And I'm still planning on doing yarn twists once I cut out all of the red.