4:23

Wow. This day has gone by in a blur.

So far, I've felt odd sensations twice - I can't tell if they are pre-period cramps, or something else, I don't know. My temp crept up a tiny bit last night, and I've been mildly nauseated alll freaking day - that kind of nausea that tells you if you put the wrong thing in your mouth, you're gonna be hurling for the next three weeks? Yeah, that. I managed to eat lunch today - a salad - though I thought I was going to barf all over it - but once I got about two bites in, it was like *inhale*. I wasn't able to do the fries though.

I've checked my cervix twice today - I figure, if I see the pinky CM the day before I start, and it's traveling all the way down my vagina, I should be able to see it at my cervix at least TWO days before I actually start. Still nothing - and my cervix is AMAZINGLY low. I mean, if it was any lower, I wouldn't HAVE a vagina. *lol* And it's closed so tight that if I didn't KNOW there was supposed to be an opening, I wouldn't think there was one.

I'm alternating between raw terror and gleeful joy - alternating, because I'm me. I'm still stuck in the - whatever man, I'm not pregnant vibe - because I mean, REALLY - the FIRST freaking go around? I mean *sigh* it feels like everyone around me has gone through YEARS of TTC'ing, and I put it OFF for years, and I'm fat, and I'm not the healthiest, and if I've actually CAUGHT? I mean - how freaking off the wall would THAT be? And of course, it's a month too early, and I can't even begin to express how HORRID I feel about debating daycare vs. vesting. I know that I'm going for the money, but - I'm hoping I don't have to make the choice (as in, I'm not pregnant - not something horrid like I'm going to get fired tomorrow). But if I AM - Um, hello in there - stick around, kay? Daycare's never broken a babe, and a mere month won't hurt you - while it might break MY heart (and brain). But - 30 days (I'm figuring that would be about the max) - that's not too bad.

I was thinking how nice it would be if you got your period as SOON as conception failed - talk about wiping the slate clean and going right into a new cycle! But no, our bodies don't work like that. And I'm okay with that.

I always said that the ONE thing I was certain being a mother would teach me is patience. I didn't realize it started before the kid was even confirmed, much less BORN.

4:32