12:23

I feel creamy damp, but I'm resisting the urge to go to the bathroom and wipe, because I'm almost certain that it will be pink.

I'm silly, really, as I didn't really WANT to be pregnant this early. While yes, I did already have someone lined up who does in house infant care only, bah. I'd much rather be able to stick to the original plan, and get knocked up later.

Anyhow. Two things - one that I read, one that I realized.

One of the gals on FF wrote that TTCing is stressful, because there's little that you can control. I think that's an issue of attitude, more than truth. For me, it's more relaxing because there is so little that I can control - I can merely try my best, and then sit back and let nature takes it's flow.....

The other thing that I was reading about was chemical pregnancies - which is apparently when the blastocyte dies before implantation - so that you can actually GET a positive (if you test early) but then still have your period occur.

I'm still pretty certain I went through one miscarriage - that period Dec 2004 was SOOO wonky, and heavy, and LONG - dear god, was it long - that yeah, in my heart, I'm pretty confident that was a missed pregnancy - and I'm assuming that I miscarried because I still had the IUD in - even if it was only partially in.

So. That's yet another reason to wait to test until it's actually TIME to test - rather than testing at CD10 & 11, and wondering why it's negative - like I did this cycle. Yeah, yeah, I know - I haven't told anyone ELSE, but I wanted to keep a private record, just for myself. Okay, I was testing then because if I got a + before C's birthday, I was going to share it with him then. So.

Annnnnyhow. Over on C2PP, there is a thread going about not testing - at all. Just letting your body signs (and the slowly swelling belly) confirm the pregnancy for you. That's some REAL earthmother shit there, and while I would LIKE to do that - it's going to have to wait til a later pregnancy - so that I at least have an idea of what I should be seeing/feeling. The whole yucky tummy/constantly sleepy/spacebrained thing is - well, normal enough for me, that I can't really take them as SIGNS. And, besides, I remember so little from the first go-round, that I don't really trust my memories. Thus, this secret journal, this time around. Mwuahahah!

Besides, I'd love to be able to share this with the wee ones - minus the cursing, perhaps.

12:37