8:15

My fingers have fallen deaf and dumb. This time, I wonder - is it real? How can I suddenly want - hope - crave something so badly? I can't talk about anything without the bubbling wonder in the back of my head - is this it?

I've been sleepy lately, and in my mind, I shoot back to late March 99, and think of how tired I was then. I thought it was depression, but maybe I'm one of those mommas who just NEEDS sleep during that first bit of time.

But now, I'm awake again, so maybe not.

It's - amazing to look at EVERYTHING with new eyes - and tiring.

It's not the worry, really, it's the wait. It's the slow, slow march of time that comes between then and now.

I was horny, see. *laugh* And that was the first sign. And then, the moon was a short bit after full. And that - that was another sign. And, it was Imbolc - the time of summoning the Mother and planting the Seed. And - we just got our brand new bed - the family bed is what it is - and broke it in, late that night.

I knew I was ovulating that day or the next. And I kept telling my (usually horny self) that I had to be SURE to use a condom (cuz see, I knew we were going to do the deed).

One more month is all....just a little extra delay I kept whispering - but my body was like - Bitch, please.

So.

My temp dropped the morning we broke in the bed. Well. I went to sleep at 2:30 am, I took my temp at 6:15am, and it was the drop.

*screams inside head*

It's - interesting - holding all this in. It bubbles up inside me at the oddest times. I love C like I never have before - and this is just the FIRST 2ww! What if I'm not pregnant? Can I stand this sort of joyous, fearful, wondering waitfulness for a year? two? When does it turn into envy and anger? *sigh*

And the shame I feel in almost sorta hoping that I'm NOT pregnant, so that I can stick to my schedule as far as quitting after maternity leave fully vested? I know, I know - money over babies! How horrid. *lol* I feel ever so much better now.

So.

That's the tale from February 4th to today.

It's now 8:36pm