Bolder and Bolder....

So! I just registered for Daughters Of the Moon - I'm throughly excited and nervous all at once. I - so often, I feel like such a poser in Wiccan circles because I know JUST enough to know that I don't really know anything at all. At the same time, I know that I don't know that much indepth information about wicca because it never felt quite right to me - it's like a Jew knowing the Lords Prayer - I've heard of it, I might know a few lines, but really - it's not my bag babe. So, thus, the nervousness, because I NEVER want people to think I'm a faker - I don't - as I like to say, "I'll never live long enough to fake it". With all that said, I'm STILL going to DotM. I think that - rituals aside - it will be a wonderful time to connect with local heathenish women, and just have a slamming amount of fun in the park. SO - Yay!! Now, I just must find a royal blue robe that I won't feel like a overblown cookie monster in.

One more for the road....

Yeah, it's been a LONG Friday. I got sucked into another blog thing, but once I hit this, I figured I was done - or I should be.

I think I'm going to leave a little early today. I need to get some gas.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Just Simmering Now....

So - this is going to be my comments that go into my final review (CSA) file. Since there is no documentation (which is shady anyhow if I was such a HORRID employee) it's all jsut my word against her word, but - I just found out TODAY that they review your CSA anytime you apply for internal positions. Nice, eh? I guess it's good I don't want to change groups anytime soon.

Anyhow - names blanked out to protect the bitches.

Formal Disagreement with CSA 2005One on Ones
May 20, 2005
June 15, 2005
July 20, 2005
August 8, 2005
September 14, 2005
October 12, 2005

OldBoss and I had regular one on ones throughout the time that she was at IP (before her maternity leave), and during these one on ones, I was repeatedly told that I was meeting expectations, and that she was getting positive feedback from other coworkers around my completion of tasks and my rate of learning the responsibilities of my new position.

Emails with Performance Comments
04/12/2005 – neutral
04/14/2005 – positive
05/03/2005 – positive
05/10/2005 – positive
06/02/2005 – positive
06/17/2005 – negative
06/24/2005 – neutral
07/12/2005 – positive
07/21/2005 – negative
08/18/2005 – positive
08/25/2005 – positive
09/21/2005 – neutral

This represents the list of emails that I received from Katie referencing some assignment that I had been given or volunteered for. Out of the 12 emails received, 7 had statements of outright praise for my actions (58%) , 3 had neither obviously positive or obviously negative comment (25%), and only 2 had outright negative comments (16%) – both of which where phrased in a way which asked me if I was aware that I needed to do a certain task. Since no one is perfect, I considered those to be negative remarks. One of the positive emails referenced the fact that I was going to be doing Primary production support – which is not a task that would logically be assigned to an employee who has no drive and lacks attention to detail.

CSA Comments
Reviewing my full CSA, I notice that in all of the objective sections, my manager noted that I had met the targets that were expected of me, including “Achieve all Project Milestones as denoted within the Integrated Work Plan”. If this target was met, how is it possible that I also put the same project tasks at risk?

Overall, not only do I disagree with my reported competency, I deeply disagree with how it was managed. In every position that I have held previously, if there was an issue with an employees performance, the employee was notified long before the final review time, given guidelines around what should be done, as well as support in changing the negative behaviors. Only once was I told of a failing in my performance, which occurred in the early months of my tenure at IP (no later than May), and that failing was due to a lack of clarity around the precise responsibilities of my job. At that point in time I requested that any failing of mine be brought to my attention immediately, as it is impossible for me to correct a failing that I am not aware of.

Because of the following, I strongly disagree with my final performance comments and ranking.
1) I was verbally informed that I would be ranked at least REC (Results Exceed Commitment) or RMC (Results Met Commitments) before OldBoss left for maternity leave.

2) I never received any negative feedback around my performance from my management or my peers.

3) I did not have a final review with OldBoss before she left the company to allow her to clarify her comments, or to document the situations in which I exhibited performance that was below her expectations.

Work - stuff.

So - I'm workng on my development plan for this year. Sometimes - I really wonder if it IS me that's the problem, as I don't remember recieving any notification that it was development time, but the rest of the team seem to be fully informed, so - *shrugs* I don't know.

I'm sitting here trying to fill this out - and I'm having a really hard time not basing any of it on my review from last year. (If you missed that drama, go back a few days and read 'Slow Furious Boil'). Over the last week - it's been - odd. At my last job, we were a real team. If there were interpersonal issues, they came out to the surface rather quickly, and everyone knew exactly where they stood. I thought it was the same way here, but based on my review - it's not. People here backstab, gossip behind your back, and tell the manager things that they don't have the cohones to tell you. And - I have a really hard time working in that sort of environment. I'm - not used to working with people that aren't honest with each other. I'm not used to working in a place that is so - calm on the surface and troubled underwater.

I'm supposed to select two weakness that I have, and that I want to improve - and all I can focus on is interpersonal development. I feel like I screwed up somewhere in my interactions with my team, and I want to repair that - but it's so damn insidious, that it's not something you can point to and say - "There's the problem!". And considering that newboss is saying that last years review doesn't exist to him - I KNOW that I shouldn't focus on repairing what I was told was broken - but I don't know what else to do, because everything that I think of wraps back to - Results Below Expectations.

*deep breath*

If I ignore the interpersonal aspects of my review, I suppose two things that stand out most are missing project tasks, and leaving errors in my work for other coworkers to repair - but then, of course, there is the lack of overall drive too. I'm taking this WAY too personally - but my work, my performance, it IS personal to me. Being considered loyal, reliable, and talented is - it's a big part of how I view myself, and how I assumed that others viewed me. So - it's a shock. It's a shakeup. Which is why I'm focused so hard on it.....

Okay. Two core competencies to improve. Let's do - Drive for Results and.....
Peer Relationships? The thing that keeps setting me for a loop is coming up with action items for them. I - I don't - I honestly don't think that I failed in Peer Relationships, I feel like I was backstabbed. So - not that one. Lets do....Dealing with Ambiguity. Huh. I can use that skill everywhere in my life.

Quizzes.

quizzes are like blog Bon-Bons - small, sweet, and an utter waste of time (or calories), yet somehow, they make you feel better.

You Are 72% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

You Should Be a Science Fiction Writer

Your ideas are very strange, and people often wonder what planet you're from. And while you may have some problems being "normal," you'll have no problems writing sci-fi. Whether it's epic films, important novels, or vivid comics... Your own little universe could leave an important mark on the world!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Mariana Nanini

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Your Birth Month is January

You are a natural leader who is able to stand up when no one else can. Strong and powerful, you tend to overshadow those around you. Your soul reflects: deep love, fascination with life, and a distinctive persona Your gemstone: Garnet Your flower: Snowdrop Your colors: Black, dark red, and dark blue

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 50%

Well, you don't have the worst job in the world, but it's not great. And don't worry, you're not the problem - your company is. Start looking around for another job, even if you're not totally fed up. Because in time, you're going to be dying to quit!

Should You Quit Your Job?

Your Mood Ring is Magenta

Weird Creative Insipired Thriving

Mood Ring Generator

So - finalized

So. Talked to C, and he just popped my whole and entire excited-about-getting-a-house bubble.

I don't talk about him here much - but - bugger, I've got to write this out.

He's a chef. He's a damn good chef, and he's working for a pretty flashy company right now. He's working way under his potential though. The hierarchy in the kitchen goes something like this - from lowest to highest...

Cook
Line Cook
Sous Chef
Exec Sous Chef (Exec Sous for short)
Exec Chef (Exec for short)

Before we left Indiana, he opened a new restaurant as a Exec, and he got fired because he was making too much money at a place that was hemorraging money out of both ends. In the kitchen/food industry, the classic way to rebalance the budget is to fire the person making the most money. Yeah, delightful, isn't it?

So, he didn't have a job when we moved to Memphis - the Indianapolis market was pretty stale, and since we knew that we were about to move, he looked - but he didn't find anything for the short term.

So, we get to Memphis, and he finds a job at the above mentioned cushy club company - as a line cook. He took the job though, mainly for two reasons. 1) The Exec there was willing to teach him how to carve ice. 2) The Memphis Culinary market seems to be very much an old boy's network, and he needed to get into the scene somehow.

So, he's making crap money. Really - it's nice to have the extra money, but - it's crap money, all the same. He talked to his Exec earlier this week about starting the process to be officially certified as an Exec Chef through the company  (dammit, let's call them CC, Inc.), and seeing how things lay six months from now, and maybe getting an Exec position at another one of CC's locations....or maybe getting an Exec job in the Memphis area at one of the free standing restaurants, or maybe getting a Sous/Exec Sous position at the place he's at now.

But - I'm sure you see the dilemna, and oddly enough, it hadn't really - presented itself to me in my mind that way. I mean, yeah - I had heard him talk about getting a Exec position at another ClubCorp location - but it didn't CLICK. It didn't click that that potentially means that we WON'T be staying in Memphis for any extended period of time, and - Gah. I'm having a REALLY hard time with that.

I like Memphis. I like the people - I'm actually starting to make friends - I like the cost of living - I like the home prices - I like the climate - I like the location - I really dig this city. And we had both talked before about really wanting to make Memphis our long-term home, and it bugs me to no end that we are going to put ourselves in a holding pattern for - shit - at least a year, possibly two - before we figure out where we are going to actually SETTLE DOWN - because of a bloody POTENTIAL job.

Bugger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And - and - what if we DO end up staying in Memphis? How long is it going to take for us to be SURE? How high will the interest rates be then?

And the thing that really bugs me is that - *sighs* I know. I know - after being with him for SIX YEARS - that - really, the food industry is about the least farking stable industry EVER. Okay, okay, Music might be worse - but you get my drift. And - and he can work ANYWHERE - that's one of the perks of being a chef - people want to eat the world over. And - it - bugs me - that we are going to be in a holding pattern for maybe a year, maybe two, for a chance at a job that he might not KEEP for more than a bloody year. *sighs*

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

I'm tired of not having roots. I'm tired of not being settled. I love my apartment, I do, but - I'm almost thirty, and I think I'm sick of moving. I don't think I ever want to move again. Maybe I'm being too narrowminded to think that I will like another city as much as I like Memphis. Maybe I'm being stubborn because that house REALLY spoke to me. Maybe I'm being stubborn because I'm just a bundle of ticking nerves and impatient motives.

But - I don't even know - I can't  - I can't even begin to - to try to explain this to him. Is it fair - in any way shape or form - to say to him - I want to stay here. I want you to find a position HERE - or at least close to here - that will satisfy you. I don't WANT to be in a holding pattern until 2008 before we can seriously sit down and talk about buying a house because we are actually going to STAY in a city. And - I don't think it is fair. One of the main reasons that he's looking for a better job is so that I don't have to work, and we can start having kids - and I know that, and I know that he knows that, and - dammit, it's frustrating, but is it fair?

Hey, who knows - maybe he'll get an Exec position next week and this will all be a moot point. Maybe he'll be able to stay and move up at the location that he is at in six months, and maybe that house will still be on that market. (Notice how it's 'that house' instead of The House now?) Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe I'll win the lottery tommorow and none of this will matter.

Today though, I'm pretty damn bummed out.  

Peace

There are times when I simply cannot find peace. I'm too full of wants/needs/musthaves that are not in reach - that my whole being seems to just be spinning helplessly in circles. I'm a very logical person - I don't function well with uncertainty or sudden changes, and when I am shaken from my normal place of calm, it takes me a while to settle back into that state. For me, a large reason why I am - craving - a spiritual place/path is so that I can have a shortcut to peace. A quick way to slip out of the confusion and dizziness that I manage to get sucked into simply by going through life - and to slip into my centered naturally peaceful core.My usual quickest route to peace is nature - sitting under a tree, staring at the sky, listening to silence and smelling earth - but over the years - that has become less and less effective. I'm afraid that I'm losing touch with the - openess that allowed just the environment to calm me. Or maybe I'm growing so that what disturbs me is major enough that the simplistic things can no longer 'bring me down'. Serene.
Peaceful.
Calm.
Willow.
Grace.

So - further.....(edited)

I feel like - I don't know. I feel like I think I might feel when I first find out I'm pregnant - scared, excited, overwhelmed, a little apprehensive.....hell,  after all the birth stuff I do, I might NOT feel really this - odd - when I find out I'm pregnant.

Okay - you might wanna read the last entry before I get into any more details....go head......








So! I left work at 4:50ish.... and got stuck in a bit of traffic, and finally made it out to the area that the house is in. I had actually driven by this area several times, and I had always thought about how much I would like to get a house in that neighborhood  - it was very quiet, and very green.
So... I drive down this itsybitsy little road, and I drove past the house the first time, and then turned around, and found it.
First cool thing - the place has a semi circular driveway!! It isn't PAVED - but still - the fact that it has one is - mondo cool.
From the outside - *holds chest* the picture doesn't even BEGIN to describe how - wonderful, lovely, perfect, amazing this place is. It's on 1.68 acres - and wow, that's a lotta land. Well, not really a LOT of land - but more than enough to feel comfortable on. The outside actually looks better than I thought it would from the picture online. It's got this really funky halfworkshop/half polebarn thing in the back, and there is junk dumped off in one corner - but really, it - it wasn't a shack.
It wasn't a shack.

Oh. My. God.

And C is working nights, so he doesn't get home until - gah! 9? 10? 11? Who knows!


Workshop/PoleBarn Thingy (cellphone pics, so forgive me!)


Huh - I missed the ladder when I took the picture....


Better picture of the house than the one online.... It's funny - all of the accents on the outside are PINK. Like - PINK. The railings, the shutters - PINK. Why? I mean really, WHY???




Junk in one corner.....



*sighs*

I couldn't peek in the windows like I wanted to cuz they left curtains up.

So. So! What the bright blooming hell do I do next? Get an appraiser, and an inspector, and check to see if we can get the mortgage. A mortgage.

Oh. My. GOD.

I am seriously considering buying a house.

Tell me I'm crazy.

Edited: *laughs* babybutt pink!!! No, it's Salmon Pink....and yes, the pole barn is SOOO going.

So. (edited)

Interest Rates have gone up.
Our lease ends this month.
I think my cat ran away.
I still haven't actually planted anything in my garden.

All of this combined, adds up to one thing - I'm finally going to go and look at the house. Yes, The House.

I've done some research into various mortgage types. We still don't have a downpayment - that medical leave REALLY screwed with our finances - thankfully, we had enough saved to cover everything - but well, it's what we had saved. So.

I think it's going to be a fixerupper of a house - simply from the age, if nothing else. But - there are fixer upper mortgages, and even with renovation costs rolled in, it's still under my personal price threshold. And then, even if it wasn't a super fixer upper, we want to make it green - so, that's still some renovation.

I'm - very picky. And - I don't think that's a bad thing when it comes to taking on the biggest debt load of my - our - lives. And this house - as long as the roof isn't falling in, or it wasn't previously occupied by crackheads (and I've even got a little flexibility there) - this house fits every. single. one. of my requirements.
Over an acre of land - check. 1.68 acres, in fact.
At least 4 bedrooms - check, exactly four bedrooms, AND a den.
Old Trees - Check. The place actually backs up onto a PARK.
At least 2 bathrooms - Check. It's got - 2 bathrooms.
Under 125K - Check. Even with the renovations, it might still be less than that.
Within 1/2 hour of work - Check. It's 28 minutes to my job, 25 minutes to C's.

The cons.....
It's old - 56 years, to be exact (But I want an old house - how else will you get old trees??)
It doesn't have central air - a fact that I have carefully kept away from my husband (I'm sure this can be included in renovations, though, yes?)
It's probably going to need some repairs (but that's what the 203(k) mortgage bit is for!)

*sighs*

As I told my leon, I have to logically eliminate reasons to NOT buy the house before I see it and my emotions take over.

So. I'm driving out there tonight to take a gander. If a) All the windows are intact b) the roof appears to have no holes in it and c) the walls make a roughly 90 degree angle.... what's next? I would think I would have to talk to the realtors first - getting a 203(k) mortgage isn't something you can do and then jsut buy ANY house - it's meant for a very specific house. Get a housing inspector. Get a independant appraiser. Get an idea of waht we want to do to the house - is there a green way to do A/C??

*sighs* I'm so nervous, because I'm so certain that I WILL be disappointed, and The House is really A Shack.

I suppose, I need to be honest with myself - and me & C really need to sit down and talk about what we would be willing to live with/fix/rip out. But - Gah!!

Okay. Nothing more until I see the place.

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE let it be a House and not a Shack.

Edited: So. Actually found some ovaries and called the realtor. He says the house is liveable (of coure he would!) and commented that it's rather big, and that we won't be able to sell any of the land as another lot (as if we would WANT to), and that the owners moved to Millington (Akota, according to the tax documents) and he wants to get it off of his hands so that he can stop paying taxes (which means the house is paid off, which doesn't suprise me) and Ed (the realtor) would be thrilled to show the house anytime I wanted to take a gander at it.  He tried to imply that there has been other interest - which, it very well may have been - but he said it picked up after they dropped the price - but that happened MONTHS ago - but he also implied that the owner would be - amiable to any REASONABLE offer - which makes sense, as anything he gets is pure freakin profit! So. I feel better. He asked if I had drove by, and I said no - I saw it online. So - drive by tonight! And! The house is currently vacant, so I fully intend to stop, poke around, peek through a few windows, wander into the backyard - the whole nine.
Damn - I should have asked him when they moved out.

On Being Artful....

Huh - who woulda thunk I'd ever be saying this but - I love my job, at this particular point in time. Why you ask? Because it gives me enough free time to do research to my hearts content, which then allows me to actually do STUFF when I get home.
Anyhow - I'm on the path to starting the next Ma'at statue.

I've printed off some pictures to give me an idea of what the face should be like, and I've read up on some standard sclupture suggestions. I think that the main thing I did wrong was not having any batting to rest the scuplture on so that it wouldn't flatten on the sides. Also, I think that the fact that I used clay that had a VERY soft color mixed in with it didn't help either.

As I was rummaging around, I found this article, and one of the things that really caught my eye was this quote:

For example, in ancient Egypt, color, not type of material, was evidently the primary criterion of value. Egyptian taste in jewelry favored solid bars of vivid color, particularly blue and orange. Opaque and semi-translucent gems such as lapis lazuli, coral, turquoise, carnelian, and sard were highly valued. Masterpieces of ancient jewelry, such as those made for the boy king Tutankhamen, were beautifully worked in gold by skilled craftsmen. These pieces included gems such as turquoise and carnelian alternated with stones of faience (a ceramic glass of melted feldspar) dyed to resemble a specific gemstone; in short, a fake! Was this due to a rarity of materials? It was obviously not a question of price. Were the Egyptian craftsmen misled by clever forgeries? Doubtful! The Egyptians simply placed a higher value on visual beauty than on the pedigree of the materials themselves.
This seems odd to us today with our preconceived notions of what is precious and what is not. Would Cartier or Tiffany consider offering gold jewelry set with glass, plastic, or synthetic gems? Yet the glassmakers of ancient Egypt enjoyed royal patronage. The point is that preciousness was not an idea tied to the use of gemstones that today are called precious. The popularity of gem materials has waxed and waned over the millennia. The truth of this becomes clear when we consider that much of the gem wealth found buried with the pharaohs of Egypt, at Babylon, and in the royal tombs of ancient Sumer is what many today still label as semi-precious.

It was interesting reading that, because personally, I've never really CARED about the - heritage, I suppose you might say, of jewelry/precious objects. In fact, I usually consider most 'precious' gems to be a bright waste of money, esp. considering how FABULOUS the fake ones are. And what REALLY matters to me is how it LOOKS, not the chemical compisition. One of the things that bugs me SOOO much with jewelry (which I love) is that there are so few high quality pieces made out of 'mundane' metals & gems. So - that was just a bright spot - and another learning experience about the Ancient Egyptains.

But! Back to the statue. I've got more FIMO sitting at my house than I could shake - multiple sticks at, and I'm going to try and blend some lapis lazuli. I have granite - which is gray with little black and gray flecks, and I have all KINDS of different shades of blue - hmmm - I should look up how to make lapis lazuli from Fimo before I leave.

*sighs*

Well, that didn't go well. *frowns* I just fired the Ma'at statue, and it looks like there were some air bubbles in the knees - either that, or it was too close to the hotoventhingy when I first put it in. *frowns* And the feather is a little droopy. *frowns* I know I can do better - *grins* this WAS my first time EVER trying to sculpt something, and I'm using a material I'm not familiar with. I did good.
It was a definite learning experience. Well - At least I've finished working on that one, and I won't feel bad about starting a new one.

I've started creating the design for the front of the shrine - the 42 declarations - so far, all I've done is set them up in columns and pick the font *laughs* I need to figure out what sort of design and how I'm going to put around them. And how to - glaze - I suppose is the best word, the sheet to the shrine.

I want as much as possible in & on this shrine to be handmade - it's interesting that I consider something I create on the computer to still be handmade. But - really, what is the computer but a tool - like my clay? Without my - energy - my time - my focus - it isn't like the computer could create this on it's own.

Ah! I commented on how I felt like I had been 'nudged' (and rather firmly to) to finally fire this statue in my comments - and a good bit of that 'nudge' was from reading the article that kyanti_bird wrote for WitchVox on offerings. I realized, that even though I don't have my shrine fully set up, and I haven't settled on rituals or anything else - creating this stuff by hand IS an offering. It is a sacrifice - I could just print out pictures from online, or buy a statue and offering bowls - but instead I sacrifice my time and put effort into creating this sacred space for me. *grins* It's amazing how much better I feel.

And considering it's an offering, I feel even less down about my not so good Ma'at statue. It was done honestly, and with real effort. *smiles* Funnylooking as it is, it's kinda growing on me. I don't think I'll put it in my shrine, but - I think I'll take it to work. *smiles at the tiny Ma'at* It's certainly not on the level of a master craftsman - more like his (her, maybe?) 8 year old child.

Ohh!! I went a LITTLE stir crazy today on Amazon.com - I'm striking out wildly in frustration - but if I'm being led like I think I am - it won't matter. :) So - the books I got were:
Daughters of Isis: Women of Ancient Egypt by Joyce Tyldesley
Egyptian Magic by E. A. Wallis Budge
Maat Magick: A Guide to Self-Initiation by Nema
Maat Revealed: Philosophy Of Justice In Ancient Egypt by Anna Mancini
Amulets of Ancient Egypt by Carol Andrews
Tarot of the Four Elements

The books, I got based on titles and reviews (basically), and the Tarot Deck... well - there's a story there in & of itself.

I got a tarot deck YEARS ago - I mean - like - 6? 7? YEARS ago. I really don't know WHAT I was smoking when I picked the deck up, because it's not really that attractive - and I KNOW that I big part of working with the Tarot is being comfortable with the images on the cards. Anyhow - my dislike of the deck was compunded by the fact that I saw THAT deck being used in a VERY old James Bond movie - and he used them to convince a virgin priestess to SLEEP with him, thus causing her to lose her powers. Yeah, real nice, eh? *sighs* Anyhow! That whole - bit - turned me off on Tarot for a while, and I would just use my Goddess cards kind of like an oracle. Ohh - those saved my ass a COUPLE of times in Geneva.
Anyhow - I've been REALLLLY craving a new deck lately, but I hadn't found ANYTHING that even vaguely tweaked me - so I spent oh - 3 or 4 HOURS today going through this website - http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/ - REALLY fabulous site. I loved the fact that they have PICTURES of 99% of their decks - AND reviews - so I could scan through them and picked the one I liked most. I had gone through - phhhh - 75% of the decks on that site when I stumbled on the Four Elements deck - and wow. I just fell in LOVE. Take a look at the Fool!!


Isn't that just - GORGEOUS???? I want to rub the card - oh, I SOOO hope they FEEL good too.

Sheeya.... went on a little longer than I had planned too!

I need - more structure. Gah! That's always been a downfall in my doing anything independantly - I need/crave structure around it. I don't function well in an environment where I'm told to build the pyramids, but given no - outline - as to how they should be built.

There's GOT to be a - outline, I suppose - somewhere - that would be able to at least inspire me on how to follow this path - an outline that would not require me to become a devotee of a particular path.

I've been floundering for the last few days - just trying to - grasp some part of the enormity of what I'm attempting. I *laughs* I have been consiously trying NOT to swear as much as I normally do, and consiously trying to be consious about each step I take and whether it's within Ma'at, and - it's peaceful. It's - graceful, even. But it's still quite definitely incomplete.

I still haven't fired the Ma'at statue I have - I'm debating on whether I should keep it, or if I should start another one. I think that I will totally blank out the face, and keep it - but also start on another one the same size.

One thing I must say, is that I'm - slowly coming to realize that I need to get in touch with some other Netjer other than just Ma'at. I need something and - it's not quite a nudge - but I feel like I'm being led down a path that I can't even see, much less predict where it will end. *grins* It's rather frightening and lovely, all at once.

I still want to find a syllabus. A real one. Gah! Not as if one that I would make wouldn't be real - but it might not be nearly as effective.
And - I'm - I don't know. I need to work on my shrine. Maybe that is what I will do today - I've got the declarations, now all I need to do is figure out how to mount them on the shrine.

And I think that I will treat myself to several books that are being offered on eBay.

Gah. I'm walking, I'm moving forward, I just don't know where I'm going.

BirthDay

How to start? It was - amazing - interesting - incredible - yet, at the same time, somewhat disappointing.

M's water broke around 9ish, shortly before her appt. with her doctor (who was flying out of town later that afternoon to visit his mom - go figure!), and the doc wanted her to check into the hospital. She talked him into letting her go home to get her bags, and called in A (the doula) from there. She was 1cm/90% effaced at that time.
We met at her house around 1 - contractions were still pretty irregular & mild, and A started her one a series of homeopathic stuff to get the contractions really going. J (the dad) went and dropped the doggie off at the kennel, and when he came back (around 2) we went for a walk around their complex. He really wanted her to go to the hospital (he was wanting to stick to the doctors schedule) so, we left to go to the hospital around 2:30ish or so.
Once they were all checked in, the long haul started. Thankfully, the nurses were really nice - they had all worked with A before, and the on-call doc didn't show up until around 5 - her contractions were still pretty irregular at that point - but they were strong enough that she couldn't talk through them anymore. The doc checks her at 5pm, and says that she is still just 1cm. She tells him that she's had a LEAP done (13 years ago!) and he comments that LEAP's can often scar the cervix and cause dilation issues, so while he's checking her, he stretches her cervix out to 3cm.
After that - the contractions really started picking up. By 10ish, she was hitting transtion, and was really starting to be out of it. A talked her into getting into the shower, and the second the water hit her back, she dropped to her knees (which freaked me out! I thought she had fallen!) and started grunting that she needed to push.

At that point, all hell broke loose. See - the whole labor had been really low key - me, A, M & J in the room - listening to jazz and Norah Jones - M was doing visualizations and breathing through her contractions - the lights were dim - it was really - laid back. As soon as she started bearing down though - *shakes head* about 5 nurses showed up, plus the doc. They turned on the big bright lights, they wheeled in extra equipment - it was - insane, to say the least. And - they almost totally IGNORED M. It - it was actually rather surreal. But - she pushed for MAYBE 45 minutes - I think closer to half an hour, and little (tiny! 6lb4oz/19in) Sarah was born at 11:35pm. 

It was a REALLY quick labor for a first time mom, and she - oh wow ya'll - she was soooo - strong, and intense, and - beautiful really. The delivery was - what I had expected from a hospital birth (he gave her an episiotomy DESPITE her not wanting one - and really - a SIX pound baby???!! she soooo didn't need to be cut) and it wasn't - icky - really at all.

So - it was kinda disappointing to me personally - it was - odd, being the 'apprentice'. I'm glad that I was with A for the birth - but - I felt pretty darn useless, honestly. I occasionally helped when J was on the phone or A was in the bathroom, but other than that, I drifted on the outside feeling very much - out of place. Birth is a very intimate time, and since I didn't really have any  assigned roles - I was definitely the 4th wheel on the tricycle. A called me this morning because another one of her clients was in labor (she cut those two CLOSE) and she asked me if I wanted to go, and I said no - largely because I was still trying to review the first birth, and secondly because I'd never even MET this woman - I wouldn't feel the least bit comfy being at her birth - esp. considering that A had been at her previous birth so they had even more of a connection already. I'm trying to figure out how I should handle this - should I ask that I be a part of all of her prenatal visits? Should I limit myself to just being backup and accept the fact that I won't meet the moms ahead of time? I think that me & A need to sit down and talk about what my role should be - I really didn't like feeling like a voyuer at her birth. And being the ice/chux/water/essential oils fetcher wasn't so bad, at least once M's contractions really required some thought to get through - but....... gah. It wasn't what I expected.

However! I'm so - so much more calm about being a doula, in and of itself. I know that M's birth was - a dream, really, all things considered. She was very much so prepared, the doc really didn't give a damn as long as she had the baby before the 24 hours were up, the nurses were very laid back, her hubby was fully participatory, she wasn't having back labor - it was a dream birth, really. And seeing the role that A took - *grins* I SOOO know that I can do this - I definitely won't have the same style - she's very different from me - but - at least now I'm pretty sure that I won't royally fuck up if I'm on my own.

I did not even attempt to claim the birth as one for my certification - I didn't feel like I DID enough to even attempt to claim it. A asked me about the form for the doc, and I just shook my head - at that point I hadn't figured out WHY I wasn't going to claim it - but really - that's why. I didn't feel like I added anything to the birth - nothing that was significant enough to count it as part of my certification.

What did I learn? I know that I want to learn more about homeopathics and using them to encourage contractions. I know that I need to get a 'uniform' - I really don't WANT to wear scrubs (I think they are hideous, and look funny on me, and dammit, I'm too stylish for that ish) but that means I have to find something else. I need some proper shoes, and I need to get some clients. I need to review the pressure points. I need to strengthen my legs so that I can squat for long periods of time without getting wobbly.

So. :) That was it. It was wonderful - and - not the least bit - gross, in any way shape or form. I wanted to get a better look at the placenta - but the doc was grossed out by it, so he trashed it ASAP. Ah well.

*wrings hands*

M's water broke on her way to her doctors appointment - she's having some mild contractions - we're going to meet up at her house around 1pm - I'm so glad I got the stuff for my bag YESTERDAY - and I'm so glad that she started on a FRIDAY - I'll only have to take a half day.

*pants*

I'm SOOOOOOOOO damn nervous. My hands are sweating.

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*blinks*

*gasps*

Oh my god ya'll.... I'm about to go to a birth!!

*grins*

 

Slow Furious Boil *edited*

That son of a BITCH!

Okay - I just got out of my yearly review. And - oh, my GOD - I've never gotten a review this bad in my LIFE.  I think I may have mentioned that I was off work for the last 6 weeks of last year after Thanksgiving due to my tumble down the stairs - and I'm wondering how much that impacts this review.

Now - My boss - the one who wrote this - left on Maternity leave in mid October. I had been working her since March, and we had regular one-on-ones. I was ALWAYS told that I was doing well - working well within the team - learning quickly - meeting all of my goals. In the very begininning I was told that I had screwed something up - almost a MONTH after it had happened - and I immeadiately said that if I screw up, I want to be told THAT instant - at the very latest the next day. She agreed to that - and as I NEVER heard anything negative about my work AFTER that point, I assumed that I was doing allright.

This - THIS shit is what was written as the FINAL comments on my review:

Comment on any significant results or shortfalls not mentioned by the individual and the contributing factors.
K. did not exhibit the drive required for her position. Her lack of attention to detail, primarily in the area of integration model builds and documentation put several project tasks at risk.

Based on input from the employee, peers, customers and your own observations, summarize overall performance and the trend of performance, including the employee's demonstrated ability to grow with the job. Comment on how results were accomplished and compentencies (managerial/leadership and/or technical) impacted performance.
Overall, K's performance did not meet expectations/commitment. She left many loose ends and errors in her work, leaving others to find and correct. Her communication, listening and team interaction skills need improvement. She will have to work very hard to gain back the trust of project team members for her to once again take on critical tasks.

Supervisor's Manager Comments
K. must focus on improving performance and will need to work with the team manager closely in 2006 to measure and monitor progess.

Rating:
Results did not meet commitment.

 

---

 

I'm so FUCKING furious I'm sitting here holding backs tears. I KNOW exactly where this SHIT came from, and it's the SAME fucking coworker I was talking about yesterday who doesn't like me. I'm - I'm - I don't know who the FUCK that employee is that they are talking about, but it ISN'T me. I've NEVER, in all of my fucking LIFE gotten a review even CLOSE to that. That - that - *gibbers with rage*

I NEVER heard anything even remotley close to this. I NEVER heard that I was doing BADLY, and I CERTAINLY was never told about mistakes that my COWORKERS had to correct. I wasn't even told when I put PROEJCT TASKS at risk due to my 'screwing up' And THIS is the shit that she wraps up my fucking REVIEW with?

And of course - SHE isn't here anymore to explain what the FUCK I did to deserve this. The only thing I can even THINK of was how fast I left during my medical leave - but shit, I didn't know I was going to be out for 6 weeks!!! I didn't have CHANCE to wrap upo loose ends and shit, and if my whole fucking rating was based on NOT being here for the last few weeks of the year - oh my FUCKING god!!!!  

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING MAD.

*cries*

Oh my GOD.

These motherfuckers can kiss my ass. I'm going to lunch.

 

---

 

Edited: Oh yessssss - I can comment on it. And trust me, I'm GOING to HR to see if they have a copy of the one on ones that we had. And trust me, I WILL be commenting. I had to vent all this out so that I CAN write my comments free of cussing and narroweyed rage.

Luckily enough - one small silver lining in this whole pile of bullshit - is that my current boss was my interim boss while the one who wrote THAT shit was on Maternity Leave - and HE says that he's never seen any IMPLICATIONS that my work was along those lines, and in his mind, once this is signed and filed, it's done, over with, and we will work together as if it never happened.

I'm still fucking furious. I talked to C over lunch, and he's wondering if it's prejudice - you know how us Nigras like to play when the boss is away. *enraged glare* I swear, if my previous boss still lived in the area I would CALL her - I still have her cellphone number - and see exactly WHERE that shit came from.

*rage*

 Let me go and call HR.

Music!!!!

All of you wonderful people who love music - whether you have an iPod or other Mp3 playing device, or whether you just love toburn CD's - this is a public service announcment.

www.musicmp3.ru  I know, I know - it's a russian site. But still......

Go head, click on the link, I'll wait.

It's really simple to use - it's set up with a prepay system - you put a certain amount of money into your account, and then shop til your little heart gasps and dies from the musiclove. I've been using it for - gah! - since I got my iPod, and still, every time I go shopping I'm all - verkelmpt.

Anyhow!!! The part that rocks about this site (and yet is shady at the same time) is that they charge you by the bit. As in, depending on how long the album is, the price changes. I still don't think I've ever brought an album that cost more than 1.00.

Yeah, I said ONE DOLLAR. For a WHOLE ALBUM. I can't tell the difference between a song that I've gotten off of this website, and a song that I've gotten off a CD.

So, anyhow - I got home last night, and I was kinda lurking around my PC hoping to catch a friend when she got on, and decided that I would clean out the last bit of money in the account. I had a little under 20 bucks - 19.7something or something like that. This is what I got:

 Shakira: Oral Fixation, Vol 2 (this was the last one I got - I still want to get Laundry Service too)
 O-Zone: Disco Zone (These are the people who did the infamous Numa-Numa song - even though I can't understand a WORD of what they are saying - it's a good Euro-Techno album)
 Mattafix: Signs of a Struggle (They had a good review of this group, so I got it - I listened to the whole album last night - oh my god!! So good - reggae/R&B/electronic/techno - it's wonderful!!)
 Heather Headley: In My Mind (She's a wonderful R&B singer - I thought I owned her first album already but I couldn't find it)
 Joss Stone: Mind, Body & Soul (I had been itching to get Joss Stone for a while - I LOVE her voice - so, I had to get both of her albums)
 Joss Stone: The Soul Sessions
 Pink: Missundaztood (I used to own this CD, but I broke it like - 3 or four times - so I just gave up buying it...but I love me some Pink - so I got this one, and her other two albums. She hasn't released the new one yet it seems.)
 Pink: Try This 
 Pink: Can't Take Me Home
 Common:  Be (This is his latest album - I LOVE Faithful, and I have his previous album, so I figured I'd get this one)
 Latoya London:  Love And Life (I read a review for her on the website, and the samples of her songs sounded really good)
 Nappy Roots: Watermelon, Chicken And Gritz (It's Nappy Roots!!! I love the R&B/HipHop blends)
 Nappy Roots: Wooden Leather
 Kem: Album II (I've heard people RAVE about him, and he's a grown up R&B sound rather than the whiny ass boys that seem to be doing all the singing now adays (Ne-yo, I'm talking to you)
 Kem: Kemistry
 Dido: One Step Too Far (I'm not sure what this album is - it seems to have some songs that are on No Angel, but then there are also some new/old stuff??)
 Natasha Bedingfield: Unwritten (This is one woman that when her songs come on the radio (Unwritten and These Words are the only ones that have been released yet) I start rocking out in the car for certain - this girl can SANG!)
 Matisyahu: Youth (This guy is an Orthodox Jew who sings Reggae. Yeah, I had to hear it too - it sounds good - but I haven't listened to the whole album) 
 Pussycat Dolls: PCD (Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?? Yeah - I had to get ONE utterly braindead pop album)
 Prince: 3121 (It's PRINCE. Do I really need to say anymore???)

So - I got all that - for under 20 bucks. It's better than a barn sale. It's like - the BESTEST. I usually go, have an orgy of buying and downloading, and then stop for like 3 months before I go through it again. The only downside of the place is downloading the songs that you've purchased - you have to do it ONE AT A TIME. With firefox, it's not so bad, because you can run 8 downloads at the same time (or at least that's all my computer would do),  where as using IE, you can only do TWO at a time. Ughha. But - dammit - it's WORTH it.

*boogies away*

In the Spirit....

So, I've finished working on the Declarations - I rewrote what each one means (as simply as possible) and then combined some, and removed some duplicates, so that now it's back down to 42. It's interesting reading them, and seeing how they are broken out.
There are four for the Netjeru.
There are sixteen for the self.
There are twenty-two for the community.
Isn't that lovely? How you honor the Netjeru is left mostly to your own choices - with just a few simple guidelines. How you should honor yourself is specified more clearly, and how the community should honor itself is detailed the most. It makes sense - the larger the group that is being interacted with, the more - concreteness that is needed to insure smooth sailing.

Here is my personal set of Declarations.....

Netjeru
1 I have not stolen that which belongs to the Netjeru
2 I have not destroyed that which belongs to the Netjeru
3 I have not cursed the Netjeru
4 I have not disrespected the Dead
Self
1 I have not polluted myself
2 I have not violated vows I have taken
3 I have not been deaf to Ma'at
4 I have not lost my temper
5 I have not acted without due consideration
6 I have not been arrogant
7 I have not exaggerated my words
8 I have not violated vows others have taken
9 I have not used evil thoughts, words, or deeds
10 I have not been angry without just cause
11 I have not placed myself on a pedastal
12 I have not cursed anyone
13 I have not coveted
14 I have not held a grudge
15 I have not felt sorrow for no reason
16 I have not been boastful
Community
1 I have not done inequity
2 I have not behaved with violence
3 I have not killed people
4 I have not acted deceitfully
5 I have not slandered
6 I have not trespassed
7 I have not stolen
8 I have not uttered falsehoods
9 I have not caused fear
10 I have not pried in order to make mischief
11 I have not assaulted anyone
12 I have not extorted
13 I have not eavesdropped
14 I have not cheated
15 I have not made anyone cry
16 I have not caused disruption of peace
17 I have not polluted water
18 I have not been insolent
19 I have not commited fraud
20 I have not disobeyed the law
21 I have not been unfair.
22 I have not taken advantage of the weak

I think they still need a little - updating isn't quite the right word - broadening, might be better. For example - 'I have not polluted water' seems to me, to be a shorthand for respecting the environment - but how do you compact that into a single phrase? Perhaps - perhaps I should just leave it as it is, and gradually expand my understanding of them, and then write out what I feel that declaration is asking for. I want to dig into the spirit of things, not just the words. Overall, I don't think that any of them will provide any serious difficulty - outside of two. Cursing, well - let's just say that I suspect the sailors would have been proud. The other is obeying the Law..... *sighs* as someone who coasts on the edge of the law (in private only with close friends ;) ) I'm - I'm not sure about that one. Honestly, I had a very hard time leaving it in, because it reflects the concept that the entire society from the King to the slave followed Ma'at - and therefore any law that was made would be within Ma'at. Living in the 21st century in a country that might try to outlaw Ma'at for being just too heathenish, I'm not sure how - rigidly that Declaration should be upheld, but at the same time, I cannot - will not - strike it out. That's too close to picking and choosing. I am once again, going to take it in the spirit of things.

Review

Lately, I've been thinking/talking a lot about the subject of honesty, as well as about community building. I have to say, that when I first start something, I tend to immerse myself as deeply as possible - and then I pull back some, and let it soak in - and then I repeat that cycle. Soak a lot in, let it settle, soak a lot in, let it settle. Anyhow, over the last week or so I've been - letting it settle, and just thinking about what I want out of this search, as well as honestly evaluating myself to see whether or not I believe that I can live up to what I am suggesting that I do.
Anyhow - in my discussions around honesty, and community building, I've been thinking about Ma'at as a political/social tool. Ancient Egypt is often held up as being one of the longer lasting stable societies, and I have to wonder how much Ma'at influnced that - esp. the 42 Declarations. Considering how often it is said that the was no separation between secular and spiritual, as well as the fact that theocracies tend to be the longest lasting stable structures - it's - interesting to wonder what a society that was founded on Ma'at would look like today - it's interesting to think about what the 42 should look like today in order to apply to our daily 21st century life.
What a commune that would be.

Bits & Pieces

Bit 1) Argh. I have a coworker, that I reallly don't like. I've never really liked him, but lately - he's just REALLY getting on my nerves. *thinks* I know I'm young, and I know I'm still rather new to the team, and I think he has certain ideas about women, and then he's just so farking DRY and DULL - but - I really just don't like him. Something about him rubs me the wrong way. I think it's from the fact that he tries his damndest to ignore me. We might me in a meeting, in a conversation, and I'll say something - and it's just like I didn't even say a word. I might be working on a problem with a coworker, and he'll just TOTALLY ignore me - I mean, he won't even LOOK at me when I'm talking. And I mean damn, I'm more often RIGHT than I am wrong - *shakes head* I just don't get it. And it's not very overt - it's not overt enough for me to bring it to the attention of my boss (don't want to come off as the over sensitve youngun) - but it's overt enough that it bugs the living daylights out of me.  I'm guessing he doesn't like me much either, and that's fine - but fuck, at least work WITH me, okay?

Bit 2) So, I did some curbcollecting this morning on my way to work. One of my neighbors had tossed out some tiki torches (I'm assuming because the fluid ran out - even though it WAS refillable *shrugs*) and I scooped those bad boys up in a heartbeat - they will be perfect for supporting my bigger/heavier plants. I haven't touch my garden yet - I need to at least plant some lettuce and some herbs while it's still cool, otherwise they'll all die off once it's hot again like it did last year.

Piece 1) Me & the Boy went to see the WWE SuperShow (taped SmackDown and live RAW) last night - it was actually REALLY good, except for one thing. There was this - woman - behind us. She was - very, very, VERY enthusiastic. She was, in fact, so enthusiastic, that people on the FLOOR were looking up at us. And mind you - FedEx Forum is NOT a small place, and we were on the - 2nd? 3rd? level up? Oh My God, I'm getting another headache just from THINKING about how loud she was. And high pitched - did I mention high pitched? *groans* We actually left the show early - partly because of her, and partly because we were both just wiped out, but it was a really good show. We haven't watched the taped version yet - I want to see if we can hear her from the ringside mics - she was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO loud. *laughs* Funnily enough, her brother was one of the Beer Guys - I told C that the ability to be loud must run in their genes.

Bit & Piece) Um, I'm done. Hah!

Cycles....

I know I go through cycles, and I really wish I could time them so that I'm aware of when my next internal insanity is going to rear it's nasty little head. The cycles vary - I have high points and low points on my personal graph of life and everything. The main variables are usually money, babies, work, weather - not always in that order. "That Girl" does a saucy scale on her entries - I would need four! But at least my hubby isn't included in one of those insanity triggers - usually in fact, he calms me down.
Sidebar: Can I say that he is so wonderful? I've noticed that I don't talk about C much (unless he's pissing me off - which he hasn't done in a WHILE) - but really, my husband rocks. There are somedays when I come home and I just have to love all over him because I don't ever want him to think that there is a thing that I would change - and really there isn't (most days). He's a wonderful, amazing, man. *laughs* Okay - as I'm typing this - I can hear Minnie Riperton's 'Loving You' playing from SOMEWHERE in the office. How appropiate.: End Sidebar
So - I (being not quite bored, but don't quite feel like doing the hideous work of consolidating a spreadsheet and a database) considered making one of those little biorhythm type graphs of each of my crazy making points, on a scale of one to ten. (have I ever mentioned that I LOVE excel?) and then noting how I feel about each one on a day to day basis. I know, I know - silly, but - well - I need another excuse to play with excel!

Um. Damn. There was something else I wanted to type about, but now I can't remember what it was.  One cool thing that I have noticed lately?? I can ALMOST touch type. I type slower thna my usual 120 wpm speed - but I'm not looking at the keyboard. That is one danger of 'learning' how to type by chatting - if I'm writing from the head, my fingers literally FLY - but if I have to transcribe something, I'm slow as molasess. Of course, I can't SPELL at al, but really - who needs to be able to spell?

I've noticed that many very intelligent people that I know have a bigger written vocabulary than they do a spoken one. I'm one of those people - there are words that I can spell, but I can't say.  Like ask.  Yes, I'm one of those people who say axe, and it drives me BATTY, and as much as I've tried, I've yet to figure out how to say it right. How do I overcome it at work?  I NEVER say - Hey - can I ask you something? I always say - Hey - I've got a question for you...... I even TYPE - quick question? when using our internal IM software. *shakeshead* But - that's not really the kind of vocab I was talking about. *thinks* I wish I could remember what word it was - but it happened recently, and you could tell that the person KNEW what the word was they were using, they just couldn't pronounce it.

Some coworkers of mine are having a conversation right now about not being able to move/leave their job because of retirement. One of them said that her husband has 15 years left at work in order to get his retirement pay. FIFTEEN YEARS??? Holy shit. I mean - *tilts head* maybe it's my age group. I can't - I can't imagine working at one place for 25 years. I can't imagine WANTING to work at one palce for 25 years.  I guess - maybe as you progress up the company ladder, it get's eaiser? Or is it just a rut?

I don't know.

There's really so much that I think I know, that I know that I don't really know. Until you actually experience something, you don't really KNOW it. Book knowledge and experiential knowledge are two entirely different things. Obvious, but - hard sometimes. Esp. for someone as curious as I am - I feel like I know a little bit about a lot - but really, I don't know much about much at all.

I'm so Surveylicious - times TWO!

I'm almost CERTAIN I've used that title

My Personal DNA Report - I'm a Reserved Creator

What's your Personal DNA?

That links you to My Personal DNA Report - and it's actually frighteningly accurate. Very cool though, VERY cool.

I'll continue updating as I find other FUN! surveys. Or, ya'll could ask me questions?

 

1. What is your occupation? System Analyst for a huge manufacturing company.
2. What color is your underwear? Underwear? Ummm - cranberry, I believe.
3. What are you listening to right now? My coworkers keyboard clickclicking.
4. What was the last thing you ate? Gah. Greasy pepperoni pizza.
5. Do you wish on stars? Only falling ones.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Blue, I think. One of the really deep, dark blues that you had to write with to be sure it was blue and not black.
7. How is the weather right now? GORGEOUS!! 60, partly cloudy, breezy.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Ummm - a coworker in South Africa.
9. Do you like the person who sent you this email? Email? Email?
10. How old are you today? 29.
11. Favorite drink? Red Wine.
12. Favorite sport to watch? Not so much into the watching of sports. All of my coworkers have run off to watch some college boys play basketball and I'm all like - damn that, I'm going HOME.
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yep. Many, many, many times. Always natural colors though - even in college I was never ballsy (or crazy) enough to go green. Blue or purple is tempting though
14. Favorite perfume? I actaully very rarely wear perfume, cuz I smell so SHEXZAY. But when I do, I wear a men's cologne called Pi. Yeah, it's for boys, but damn it smells good on me.
15. Pets? One cat - zee Fhat Bhastard (also known as Giovanni the Don)
16. Favorite month? May.
17. Favorite food? Ugh, you mentioned food.
18. Last movie you've seen? Like - on a big screen? Doom, I think. Like - on a TV? Ummm - Independance Day.
19. Favorite day of the year? I don't have a favorite one.... though Friday(s) are pretty high up on the list
20. What do you do to vent anger? Cuss, usually. If I can't cuss, I cry. If I can't cuss OR cry, I tear up paper into very,very,very, very tiny pieces
21. Fall or Spring? Spring!
22. Hugs or kisses? Oh - hugs AND kisses, dammit.
23. Cherry or Blueberry? Fruit or flavor? Fruit - Cherry. Flavor - Blueberry
24. Do you want your friends to email (note) you back? *narrows eyes* They better!
25. Who is most likely to respond? Oh. you mean respond to the SURVEY. Um - none?
26. Who is least likely to respond? Like - duh?
27. Living arrangements? Gorgeous two bedroom ( ie bedroom and library) lofted apartment with hubby and the Don.
28. When was the last time you cried? Ohhh - it's been a while. Actually - that's not true. I cried with laughter at hubby earlier this week. He is SOOOOO farking funny!
29. What is on the floor of your closet? Um. Clothes my ass is too fat to get into anymore, and my VERY ghetto solution to hating dressers (I don't know why!) an open suitcase that holds my undies. Everything else gets hung or folded on a shelf.
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Does my mom count? If not, Nee - I met her the first day of UpwardBound - oh my god. Like. 14 YEARS ago. No way. *counts frantically* Holy SHIT.
31. What did you do last night? Played with FIMO, read more Wheel of Time, halfwatched some really bad TV, laughed at/with my hubby.
32. Favorite smell? Pre-rain.
33. What inspires you? It depends.
34. What are you afraid of? Dying poor and homeless.
35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Extra cheese, extra spice please! Onions, ONLY if they are cooked, no pickles but lots of relish, spicy mustard, lettuce and tomatoes. *groans* Ugh. You HAD to bring up food again, didn'tcha?
36. Favorite car? Oh man - I LOVE my car (despite the odd high pitched squeaky sound it makes). If I could have ANY car in the world? Hah, I'd have to leave the country because NONE of them are roadapproved on this side of the Atlantic. Yes, I like to speed - what of it?
37. Favorite dog breed? Um - is there a non smelly kind?
38. Number of keys on your key ring? *thinks* I have two, actually. One is the keyring that is hooked to my wallet. I've got two keys on there - the master key to the house and the key to the back screen door (which we almost NEVER lock). On my car keyring, all I have is the car key and the security beep-beep thing.  Don't want to warp the steering column, ya know.
39. How many years at your current job? It'll be one in 3 days.
40. Favorite day of the week? FRIDAY, definitely.
41. How many states have you lived in? Oh holy cow. Okay. DC, MA, NY, OH, KY, TN, IN, CT, GA, FL, RI, PA- I think that's it. 12 all together.
42. How many cities have you lived in/name them: Oh good gracious! Oh, Hell no. Let's talk about since Highschool shall we, because we moved WAY too much when I was little. Let's see - Chester, PA, Atlanta Ga, Titusville FL, Indianapolis IN, Memphis TN. (Is it really frightening that I say Tenn-nuh-kee in my head?? Hip Hop is the DEVIL!)
43. If you were a fictional character, who would you be? Evie from The Mummy and The Mummy Returns and Scorpion King. OOohhh, Dwanye.

Ahhh, Friday.

I so do love Fridays. First, I allow myself to lounge about in bed (long enough that The Boy asked if I was going to work) and stroll into work at a lovely 9am on the dot. Then, I relax through the rest of the day. Nothing really bugs me, nothing really bites my bottom, and I'm wearing a cute skirt.

Remember the House I fell in Love with?? And yes, the capitialization is important. Despite the whingy bitchiness of the previous entry, I'm actually CONSIDERING going to look at it tomorrow. Note - just considering. I doubt that I'll actually do it because of the whole damned if you do/damned if you don't aspect of it, and also because I want to see if they drop the price again, and also because we don't have a big enough downpayment (and yes, I know, you don't NEED a DP - it jsut makes me feel better) and well, I'm mildy neurotic about money. Because the owners address of residence (yes, I've looked up the tax information/parcel pictures the whole nine) is out of town, I'm wondering if the house is even occupied. It might be a case of older parents and kids trying to sell the house. Gahhhhh!
But still.... it's SOOO purty. At least from the picture.
In other housing news - the house cattycorner to us is on sale for 225K - 3bd/3bth, but it's on less than a half acre, so I'm really not even interested. I'm considering slumming through for the open house on Sunday (simply because I'm SOOOO nosy - we couldn't afford that house by any stretch of the ARM) but is that rude as a neighbor to come and poke through a house that you KNOW you aren't going to buy? Yes, I would think so. I wonder how many crooks case places during open houses?

Other than those two plans, my weekend should be pretty calm. I need to pack up some craft supplies and return them cuz the elastic I got is WAY too thick, and maybe work on a couple of designs.
The client hasn't popped yet - she isn't actually due until next week (and knows when she concieved) so I suspect I won't get a call until late next week or early the week after that.

Can you BELIEVE it's the middle of March?? Next Tuesday will be my one YEAR anniversary here, which really has no significance besides the fact that it means I can quit and not have to pay them back for moving me here.  I realized that I won't be vested for THREE freaking years - HAH! I guess I'll be walking away from another unvested account. Not that I plan on quitting on the 22nd or anything - but dude - THREE years? Sheesh.

It's also St. Patty's Day! The closest thing I am to Irish is the fact that my birth name ws McFarland, and I loike BEER!! I will however, be staying away from the drunken crazies this weekend. I got wrestling tickets for hubby last month, and the show is on Monday, so I figure I'll have to deal with enough crazies there. God, I MUST love that man.

Okay. That's all for this morning. It's Friday, so I suspect there is a survey in my future.

Am I missing something, or are html formatting not allowed in an lj-cut? My tables get blown away, as do my links. I really would like to be polite and use cuts, really I would. *sighs*

---

So - yesterday over lunch I went thrifting to see if I could find a box that I could use for a shrine. I like little small intimate things, and even though my hubby knows that I'm heathen as all get out - I like my figments of faith to be - private. Anyhow, I'm thrifting, and I'm wandering around the stroe three or four times looking for just a simple wooden box. I had been to this place a while ago (I love thrifting) and had seen this big silverware display box made of wood that had two doors that swung out, and I thought of what a wonderful shrine it would make. It wasn't in very good condition though, so I didn't buy it. When I went back, I kinda had my eye out for something like that - but it didn't HAVE to be that box. Anyhow! I talk to myself (often) and as I was coming around a corner at the front of the store, I asked myself if it had to be a certain size - and the instant response was 'Nah, it can be any size!' and just then, I laid eyes on it. It was a little box that was orginally designed to hold four different ballerina puzzles for a little girl (12 pieces in a puzzle). But - it was SOOO perfect. It's about 8 inches long, 5 inches wide, and 2 inches deep. The thing that makes it so cool is that there were wooden separators inside (to keep the puzzles apart) which make four little boxes/shelves. Plus!! The lid slides on and off through a little groove mechanism - which makes it even better because that means that I don't have to worry about room for the door to swing open. 

I already know how I'm going to decorate it.  On the front, I'm going to put the 42 Declarations. On either side, I'm going to put a ostrich feather - one white and one red to represent the twin aspects of Ma'at. The bottom will be blank, and the top will most likely be blank as well, so that I can put stuff on top of it as need be. I'm not sure what to put on the back - I was thinking of  putting an Ankh - but really - how common is that? I was also considering putting a pair of scales on the back - that seems to make more sense to me.

 

Of course though, the size of it means that I need minitures of everything because otherwise it wouldn't fit! I wandered around a little while longer, trying to see if I could find some small glass containers (shot glasses or something) that I could use to hold offerings. I saw this UTTERLY adorable little cauldron, but - it didn't really sing to me. I wish I knew someone who might use it in their practice - it was SOOO cute. I might go back and see if it's still there and hold onto it for a gift later. Anyhow!
I wandered around some more, and spotted this gorgeous blue glass that looked rather like a lotus - too big to go inside, but the PERFECT size to sit on top.
So, I grabbed both of those, and headed back to work.
While I was at work, I started seriously thinking about the shrine. I (obviously) need a representation of Ma'at in it, and something to hold the offerings, as well as something to hold some incense. I thought about a feather, or something along those lines - but once again, it wouldn't fit into the box. And besides, I had fallen in love with a particular statue of Ma'at - and, well, I wanted it. This is the statue that I fell in love with:



Isn't it LOVELY??? But of course, I'm not getting that. I considered just putting a picture of it in there, but - nah, that didn't feel right either. Then it came to me - FIMO!!!
I have a very viable idea for a small crafting business that involves the use of FIMO, and so I have - loads of it scattered about the house. I realized that I could make EVERYTHING out of FIMO - the representation of Ma'at, the offering bowls - heck, I could even adorn the shrine itself with FIMO! So - last night I went home and made a tiny little statue of Ma'at that - kinda resembles that one. I didn't look at the picture while I was making it - I didn't want to be influenced by what IT looked like - I just wanted it to be RIGHT. I finished it in about two hours - at least the start of it - and it looks REALLY nice. Considering I've never really TRIED my hand at sculpture of ANY kind - and considering how LITTLE it is (if the whole thing is 3 inches high I'd be shocked) it's - lovely. And funnily enough, I used some FIMO that I already had out from another project - just bits of colors that I mixed together - and it's a gorgeous dark coppery brown color. I still need to refine the face, and add more little details - but overall, I did REALLY well with the statue of Ma'at.
The offering bowls on the other hand! *lol* For some reason (and really, I shold have KNOWN this was a bad idea) I decided to use beer caps (I know, I know) as the base of a bowl that I would make. I planned on making it in two parts - first just the rough shape of the bowl with FIMO on the sharp edges, baking it hard, and then finishing them with a larger piece of FIMO. So - I started on the bowls, and - it took me awhile to get them right (really simple it should have been too!). I popped them into the toaster oven that I use to bake my FIMO, set the timer, and didn't look at them once they were done.
*laughs* I took a look this morning, and I'm assuming from the heat that the metal transferred - the bowls just melted. Literally. The edge that I had made had collapsed into just a flat rim around the bottom of the beer cap. So. Back to the starting point for the offering bowls. Ma'at is settling now (I've also learned my lesson around rushing and not letting the clay SIT before trying to do fine work on it), and I think I will try the offering bowls AGAIN tonight, this time, without the 'extra' stuff.

So now that I have a shrine, I started thinking about what offerings would be appropiate.  Could I make little symbols - bread, grain, water, flowers, etc in clay and offer them on a daily basis, and offer the real thing on special days? Because Ma'at didn't really HAVE a cult centered around her - there isn't much detail. I've gathered that her color is white (but was that a later addition based on our ideas of purity?) and - that's about it. I still have more research to do, but for now,  bread, water and incense will be about it. 

Also - I mean , other than representations of the Netjer that you are honoring - what else goes into a shrine? Most that I've seen tend to focus on multiple dieties - which is cool, but I don't know - well, I suppose I could fit FOUR into my shrine, but it would be rather cramped. Two would be the max I think - one box for the representation, and another box for that netjer's offerings - no more.  I already have another small wooden box that I plan on using to keep my supplies in - natron, oils, incense, lighter, maybe a small bottle of pure water, the clay offerings that aren't being offered at that time, etc. 

Prosperity

Ya know - something really hit me yesterday.  C had to get his car fixed, and when I went and checked the bank account, we were like 120 bucks in the hole - and he doesn't get paid until next week.  I KNEW that I could cover it (borrowing from a very laid back Peter to pay a bitch ass, charge you 32 dollars a DAY Paul) but I was still all 'oh my god! we are sooooo BROKE!!!' for most of the day.
Then, ya know, something hit me. We aren't broke, in the least. We are - quite comfortable actually, compared to the rest of the world (and not just the rich slice of it we see on TV). We can more or less eat what we want, live where we want, wear clothes that are new, and stay warm. It's not CHEAP - but we certainly aren't broke. We have enough 'wiggleroom' that while tragedy could strike - it's not very likely. And we have enough room for - little pleasures.

So, on my way home last night, I brought two bottles of this:

(it's a REALLLLLY good, REALLLLY cheap (8.99) California Champange) just to celebrate the fact that we live the kind of life in which we CAN, if we want to, buy Champange.

It's not the we are ungrateful for the things that we have - it's just that sometimes, it's the little things that we are sometimes LEAST grateful for that really matter the most.

The Scripture

One thing I really do like, are the 'rules'. They are found in what is commonly called the '42 Declarations of Innocence' from the Book of the Dead. The Egpytians believed that when they died, their heart would be weighed against the feather of Ma'at (Justice is about the closest translation, but leaves so much out). If they could proclaim the 42 declarations truthfully, they moved on to become one of the gods. If they messed up, their heart was eaten by an alligator.
Here are two different translations.

1)
I have not done iniquity.
I have not robbed with violence.
I have not stolen.
I have not made any to suffer pain.
I have not defrauded offerings.
I have done no murder nor bid anyone to slay on my behalf.
I have not trimmed the measure.
I have not spoken lies I have not robbed God.
I have not caused the shedding of tears.
I have not dealt deceitfully.
I have not acted guilefully.
I have not laid waste to the land.
I have not set my lips against anyone.
I have not been angry or wrathful without a just cause.
I have not lusted nor defiled the wife of any man.
I have not polluted myself.
I have not caused terror.
I have not done that which is abominable.
I have not multiplied words exceedingly.
I have never uttered fiery words.
I have not judged hastily.
I have not transgressed nor have I vexed or angered God.
I have not stopped my ears against the words of Right and Truth .
I have not burned with rage.
I have not worked grief.
I have not acted with insolence.
I have not avenged myself.
I have not stirred up strife.
I have not been an eavesdropper.
I have not wronged the people
I have done no harm nor have I done evil
I have not worked treason.
I have never fouled the water.
I have not spoken scornfully.
I have never cursed God.
I have not behaved with arrogance.
I have not envied or craved for that which belongs to another.
I have not filched food from the mouth of the infant.
I have done no hurt unto man, nor wrought harm unto beasts.
I have never magnified my condition beyond what was fitting.

2)
I have not committed sin
I have not committed robbery with violence
I have not stolen
I have not slain men and women
I have not stolen food
I have not swindled offerings
I have not stolen from God
I have not told lies
I have not carried away food
I have not cursed
I have not closed my ears to truth
I have not committed adultery
I have not made anyone cry
I have not felt sorrow without reason
I have not assaulted anyone
I am not deceitful
I have not stolen anyone's land
I have not been an eavesdropper
I have not falsely accused anyone
I have not been angry without reason
I have not seduced anyone's wife
I have not polluted myself
I have not terrorized anyone
I have not disobeyed the law
I have not been excessively angry
I have not cursed God
I have not behaved with violence
I have not caused disruption of peace
I have not acted hastily or without thought
I have not overstepped my boundaries of concern
I have not exaggerated my words when speaking
I have not worked evil
I have not used evil thoughts, words or deeds
I have not polluted the water
I have not spoken angrily or arrogantly
I have not cursed anyone in thought, word or deed
I have not placed myself on a pedestal
I have not stolen that which belongs to God
I have not stolen from or disrespected the deceased
I have not taken food from a child
I have not acted with insolence
I have not destroyed property belonging to God


There are also virtues that one should strive to acheive on the journey of becoming like Ma'at.
Control of thoughts;
Control of actions;
Devotion of purpose;
Have faith in the ability of your teacher to teach you the truth;
Have faith in yourself to assimilate the truth;
Have faith in yourself to wield the truth;
Be free from resentment under the experience of persecution;
Be free from resentment under the experience of wrong;
Cultivate the ability to distinguish between right and wrong; and
Cultivate the ability to distinguish between the real and the unreal

Reading List

 I suspect this is going to be another one of those entries that I update repeatedly.

1) Books on Women in AE - this will most likely hold a lot of the things that the 'common' people did. It's amazing how in a lot of history, all of the important people are men and the commoners are women. 

Allen, James P., Religion and Philosophy in Ancient Egypt
Allen, James P., Genesis
Assman, Jan, The Search for God in Ancient Egypt, Cornell University Press, 2001
Betro, Maria Carmel., Hieroglyphics: The Writings of Ancient Egypt. S. Amanda George, trans. NY: Abbeville Press. 1996.
Clark, R. T. Rundle, Myth and Symbol in Ancient Egypt London, 1959
Englund, Gertie, The Religion of the Ancient Egyptians
Hart, George. A Dictionary of Egyptian Gods and Goddesses
Hart, Georges, Egyptian Myths: The Legendary Past Austin
Hornung, Erik, Conceptions of God in Ancient Egypt:The One and The Many
Hornung, Erik, Idea Into Image: Essays on Ancient Egyptian Thought.
Lesko, Barbara S. The Great Goddesses of Egypt.
Meeks, Dimitri and Christine Favard Meeks. Daily Life of the Egyptian Gods.
Morenz, Siegfried. Egyptian Religion.
Pinch, Geraldine, Magic in Ancient Egypt
Ritner, Robert Kriech. The Mechanics of Ancient Egyptian Magical Practice.
Schafer, Byron E., ed. Religion in Ancient Egypt: Gods, Myths and Personal Practice.
Vincent Arieh Tobin, Theological Principles of Egyptian Religion
Watterson, B., The House of Horus at Edfu: Ritual in an Ancient Egyptian Temple
Wilkinson, Richard H. The Complete Temples of Ancient Egypt
Wisner, Kerry., Eye of the Sun, The sacred legacy of Ancient Egypt 

The Life of the Ancient Egyptian, Inside the Temples
http://www.cartage.org.lb/en/themes/GeogHist/histories/Oldcivilization/Egyptology/LifeAncient/lifeinEgypt2.htm
The British Museum website, Temples
http://www.ancientegypt.co.uk/temples/home.html
Tour Egypt, Temples
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/temples.htm
Ancient Egyptian Temple Elements Part I: Approach and Entrance
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/templeentrance.htm
Ancient Egyptian Temple Elements Part II: The Outer Courtyards
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/templecourtyard.htm
Ancient Egyptian Temple Elements Part III: On the Path to the Sanctuary
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/templehalls.htm
Ancient Egyptian Temple Elements Part IV: The Sanctuary and its Environs
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/templesanctuary.htm
Ancient Egyptian Temple Elements Part V: Associated Elements
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/templeother.htm
Egyptian Temples, part I: A Reflection of Heaven
http://realmagick.com/articles/39/439.html
Egyptian Temples, part II: The Priesthood
http://realmagick.com/articles/40/440.html
Egyptian Temples, part III: God's Home
http://realmagick.com/articles/41/441.html
Egyptian Temples, part IV: The Temple Building
http://realmagick.com/articles/42/442.html
Egyptian Temples, part V: Daily Rituals
http://realmagick.com/articles/43/443.html
Egyptian Temples, part VI: The House of Life
http://realmagick.com/articles/44/444.htm
Adventures in Archaeology, AE Temples
http://www.odysseyadventures.ca/articles/egyptian_temples/egyptian_temples-text.htm
Egyptology Online, Temple Glossary
http://www.egyptologyonline.com/temple_glossary.htm
University College, AE Temple Architecture
http://www.digitalegypt.ucl.ac.uk/art/temple.html
University College, Survival of Temple Buildings
http://www.digitalegypt.ucl.ac.uk/temple/survival.html
University College, 'Reading a Temple'
http://www.digitalegypt.ucl.ac.uk/temple/reading.html
University College, Temple Types
http://www.digitalegypt.ucl.ac.uk/temple/types.html
University College, Spread of the formal temple
http://www.digitalegypt.ucl.ac.uk/temple/typestime.html
Conservation at Luxor Temple
http://www.digitalegypt.ucl.ac.uk/temple/typestime.html
Daily Cult Rituals
http://www.digitalegypt.ucl.ac.uk/religion/dailycult.html

Specific Temples

Karnak Temple
www.egyptvoyager.com/karnak.htm
http://www.egyptvoyager.com/karnak.htm
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/karnak.htm

Luxor
www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/egypt/luxor/luxor.html
http://www.bluffton.edu/sullivanm/egypt/luxor/luxor.html
http://www.touregypt.net/lxtmpl.htm

Deir el-Bahri Temple
www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/egypt/deirelbahri/deirelbahri.html
http://www.bluffton.edu/sullivanm/egypt/deirelbahri/deirelbahri.html
http://www.touregypt.net/bahari.htm
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/bahri.htm

Abu Simbel
www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/egypt/abusimbel/ramses/ramses.html
http://www.bluffton.edu/sullivanm/egypt/abusimbel/ramses/ramses.html
www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/egypt/abusimbel/nefertari/nefertari.html
http://www.bluffton.edu/sullivanm/egypt/abusimbel/nefertari/nefertari.html
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/abusimbel.htm

Edfu
www.bluffton.edu/~sullivanm/egypt/edfu/edfu.html
http://www.bluffton.edu/sullivanm/egypt/edfu/edfu.html
http://www.touregypt.net/edfuc.htm
http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/edfu.htm

Dendera Temple
www.egyptvoyager.com/dendera.htm
http://www.touregypt.net/dendera.htm