Festival Of Souls 2007

Where to start? Choices, choices, always choices. Wise or foolish, you cannot tell until the choice is made, when the choices dance in the greylands.


Choice - to pay full price, even though I had registered as work trade - it felt good. I need to find the appropiate word for mitzvah that comes from my trad., as that is what it was. It was hard work (oh, my back and my ass were KILLING me - so much more respect I have for what C does day in and day out!), but it was fun, it wasn't cleaning bathrooms, and it wasn't a constant thing..... in other words I had plenty of time to fellowship. Since I'm not THAT active in the community - I should be more active, but I have to say I like my house more than I like SG, it was a good time for me to be visible, and busy. I got quite a few thanks and accolades for the work I did, and it seemed to be a good time to step up, since I was graduating from First Realm.
Community - it lies on the back of those who build, and in the hands of those who live.



Choice - to be persistant, and continue shopping until I laid hands on the stone that I knew was there. There was a stoneswoman there named Dick, and she had a HUGE number of gorgeous and cheap stones - just - stuff that would make your jaw drop. I came across my first - vibratory stone there. I was rummaging amoungst her selections, and this stone sprung out at me - it was a dark rich black color, with little flecks on it that reminded me of the night sky.
Mind you, the night before I had coo'ed over the fact that I could actually see the seven sisters (well, only six of them, but I can NEVER see baby sister for some reason) and so I scooped the stone right up. It started throbbing in my hand. At first, I thought I had too many stones in that hand, and switched out. Still throbbing. Then, I held it in my hand loosely, thinking that it was the tightness of the hand hold that was causing the throbbing. No, no, the rock was DEFINITELY throbbing in my hand. I go to Dick and ask her what the stone is - a garnet. My birth stone. And it clicked - and of course, I go it.

Later on, I'm telling this tale to Joy the Bard, and when she went to her room to change, she returned with a wee gift for me - it was a rose quartz ball (another of my birth stones, according to some) and when she handed it to me, I nearly dropped it in shock - my whole hand/arm tingled, instantly, like a small electric shock had hit it. I dropped it into the traveling altar I had won, and clung to the stone and the bag for the rest of the very long night.

I haven't touched either stone since I got back.... I'm debating in my head (very quietly) my altar setup.

Choice - attending the Mysteries, or staying in the room and kikiki'ng. I was mildly irked with one of my roommates (gah, that's a whole nother post) and I wanted to attend at least one Wyrd Sister workshop.

Firstly, it was possibly the first meditation/guided journey I actually got something out of - firstly, the shock of recognication of the garden, and the stone chair, and the stream. Secondly, the deep anscetress who showed up looked REMARKLY like Lady Kiya (whose picture I didn't stumble across until AFTER FOS) and she told me two things.
1) Be Love
2) Trust You
Yeah, possibly two of the biggest platitudes, EVER, but she was right serious about them. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be the 1st cornithians love, or the hippydippy 70's love & peace man, but it's been running through my head since then. The trust bit she only said after I bugged her about the whole 'Be Love' bit. Hurmph.
I've done the meditation on my own a couple of times, but I never seem to be able to make it either up the steps in the Sacred Tree, or I get distracted by the chambers in the Mound - I want to know what's in them....

Choice - to sit out Guedra. For one, I was colder than - oh wow, I don't think I've been that cold in a while. For two, I was irked - I was filled with a sense of service, and it was a return to reality (on the last night of FOS) that not everyone fills the same - duty - towards others. And ya know, it's not like I'm the most dutiful person either - but, when one has a role, one fulfills that role, dammit. And not half-assedly, either. *sigh* *pulls plank out of my eye*
But it was good - sitting by the fire, listening to people talk, staring at the sky and seeing so MANY shooting stars (I never realized they left trails before) humming along to the chants. In addition, guedra was 'wrapped' up by a complaint from off the field, and I most likely wouldn't have gotten a chance to dance - and it worked, well. I don't know how many more guedras I will participate in..... hrm, I'll have to mull over that later.

It's always so hard to come back from a festival and actually write about it - so much of what happens is magical and of the moment and is built on the moments before and can't be clearly shared after the fact - but I always try, to at least note a little something down, so that I can at least solidify the memory for myself. High points, low points, the smell of cloves and campfire in the morning.

So.... went to the Coven Meeting (by the way, her craft name is Hecate - which to me, is a pretty ballsy name to take on - in my mind, that's along the lines of having the craft name Kali.........) 

*sighs* 
The good: Interesting meeting, two great women there, had a wonderful, wonderfully wandering conversation - I introduced them to the concept of chop wood/carry water pagans (thanks madrun !!!) and bascially bounced all sorts of things around. It was a GREAT conversation - definitely made at least one new friend.

The unexpected: The other two women there - were black! *jaw drops* Not only were they black, they also know of several OTHER black Kemetics (I suspect they are of the nationalistic variety, but beggars no choosers) - and as we hit it off WONDERFULLY - I might have found the link to another paganistic community in Memphis. 


The bad: *siiiiiiggghhh* I plan on going to another meeting (and those intentions get weaker and weaker every day)  - but - in and of itself - I doubt that I'm going to be participating, and I feel rather - badly about it, simply because Samantha (I can't call her by her craft name - it just doesn't FEEL right) seemed so - *thinks* despondent? sad? abandoned? lonely?
Firstly, of course, there was the whole 'coven meeting in a BOOKSTORE' thing. Then, there was the fact that despite she knew that the people coming would all be new (three people showed up, me, and the abovementioned two black women) she didn't have anything  - at all - to say. Then, there was the fact that out of a group of about 25 people (at least that's how many people are in her online group) - NONE of them but her showed up.  And if us newbies hadn't been there - she would have been sitting in the bookstore all by herself. 
It was like - it wasn't a meeting, it was a - a - I don't know - a chance to sit in the bookstore? If we (the three newbies) didn't get along (and provide 90% of the conversation), the four of us would have been sitting around the table in silence.  She talked twice - once about her cats, and once about how after she brought 200 dollars worth of food for a coven meeting, no one showed up. *erm?*  Is that really the sort of face you want to put on your group? Sheeee.......
And then, of course, there was Samantha herself.  I tend to judge a group (rightly or wrongly) by the leader - especially small, intimate groups like this one. She was......................I don't know quite how to describe it. Weak, isn't quite the right word. Ah! She had a very small personality.  Not small as in petty or mean, but small, as in mouselike and withdrawn.  Now, I know that not everyone is the bubbly outgoing type - but - at a meeting - for three new women who indicated some interest in your group - wouldn't you have SOMETHING to say about the group? About how it works? About what ya'll do? About - anything???  
And we - all three of us, at one point or another - asked her if she wanted to, ya know, kick the meeting off - and each time, we just got a little shrug, and a 'It's fine'.  *raised eyebrow*  




Overall, I'm glad I went.  I met some great people, I actually displayed the intestinal fortitude to be in a BOOKstore and not even browse (largely because I knew that if I browsed, I would end up buying. And it was a full price bookstore - and I haven't spent full price on books in.......well, it's been a LONG time).  
But, I definitely haven't found - at least not in the The Sisters of the Triple Goddess coven (wow, just realized the name - I wonder if that's why she picked Hecate? Tsk - if I go next Wednesday, I'll be sure to ask her) the group that I want to jump into and work with.  

Doors and windows, doors and windows. 

Retreat, retreat!

I sit here, and I feel - squished. Narrowly confined and contained in a box of my own making, and the frustration bubbles up in me until I throw myself into empty mindless activities because thinking about it just makes me feel worse. I've never been much of the type to be an ostrich, but I can certainly understand the lure.  Awareness isn't always that comfy place of peace and Nirvana and light - sometimes, being aware is really rather uncomfortable.  

I'm - afraid to think lately. I'm afraid to explore, to read, to study, because I'm not sure that I'm ready to explore. I'm - I'm not sure that I have the time/heart/energy in me to fully explore, to fully discover, and to fully use what I learn.  I'm vaguely terrified of obtaining something that I don't know what to DO with - I'd much rather wait until I do know what to do with it, THEN obtain it.  I'm a big wuss, in other words.

I'm babbling, I know, really - this is just me thinking outloud on the page because I'm having a hard time focusing on the spreadsheet I'm supposed to  be working on, when my mind keeps wondering if my Ma'at statue on my desk is staring at me.  

*sigh* I (rather foolishly, I suspect) joined a 'coven' (online) in Memphis, and there is supposed to be a group meeting tomorrow. I'm going in with an open mind - really, I am - but... *sighs* let's just say that I don't expect much AT ALL.  I don't mind - not at all - working with those who don't follow my path - considering I don't yet fully understand it, that seems only reasonable and fair. At the same time...... Hm. I don't know.  Do all covens have rules & restrictions, Bylaws & Guidelines?  Maybe that's it - anytime I see a buncha rules, I suspect that they were made because the people in power felt a need to control something - and the only way they could was to put together Thou Shalts and Thou Shalt Nots - and - I don't think that such a thing is - appropiate - in an informal coven that is open to people of any Pagan/Wiccan path.  *titls head* Ah, I know what really chapped me bum - the expectation that everyone would follow the Witches Rede. Um, hello, not the Witch!  

But, I didn't discover this stuff til AFTER I joined the online group, and in the spirit of a fair shake, I'm going to go to the meeting.  If it's just me & the Coven founder - who has a very ballsy Craftname, if I do say so myself (and if she isn't a crone..... I might not even stay through the whole thing). Who knows? I may have already met someone through the group, so - it's not all bad, I suppose.  It's just - worrying.  And how, exactly, do you have a coven meeting in a bookstore? Hmm? *sigh* 

I'm trying, really I am, to not be a grumpy assed old woman.  But - damn, let's jsut say it's a hard road to tread. Sometimes, heads simply SHOULD be bitten off.  

*snap!* 

Perhaps I need to sit and chat with Sekhmet for a while - she knows all about the desire to nibble at heads.  *sigh*

Random Curiousity: Aztec/Mayan Recons??

Doing some 'purely out of curiousity' reading about the Mayan Calendar - and the thought struck me - is there anyone still praticing the Mayan Religion?? I'm not sure if they could really be considered 'recons', because there may still be people practicing in the old ways - has anyone ever stumbled across any Mayan 'pagans' of any sort?

Faith, community, Ma'at....

 I love reading to learn new things - even if what I am reading doesn't OBVIOUSLY connect (or is patently false) it gives me another - way of looking at whatever I'm studying.  I usually let the information simmer in the back of my head for a while, and then something will happen that will bring everything together in a relatively cohesive whole. Last weekend at many_rivers Midsummer ritual was one of those times. 


One of the things that clicked for me, is how a strong  - and HEALTHY  - community is built and nourished - is based largely on responsibilty. Being responsible for yourself, for your actions, your words, your deeds, your children - as well as being aware that you are responsibile to the other members of the community. Each time someone in the community shirks a task - whether it is their 'responsibility' or not - it makes the community weaker. Anytime someone assumes that they don't need to do something, because someone else will get it  done, - it weakens the community just a tiny bit - and eventually the community/society/group will die. The reason that the Egyptian society endured for the thousands of years that it did was because everyone was aware of their responsibilites to both their fellow man and the 'state' (in the form of the Pharoah and the Netjer), and they were aware of the eternal reprecussions of failing in their responsibilities.

Even as one thing was pulled out of the brainpot, another was added.  Hanging out with other recons is so cool, as we started talking abot whether it's actually possible to practice a faith that is deeply intertwined with a ancient culture - without actually living in the past.  Honestly, I'm still not sure. I know that I can uphold Ma'at - and without breaking any laws in the Culture that I currently live in.  But - Ma'at - is, at it root, about maintaining a strong community - it's about insuring that which is 'right' prospers, and that which is wrong fails.  I can't impose that sort of - control - over the wider society that I interact with - but I can hold myself up to it. 

I'm still reading 'The Mind Of Egypt' and I also scored two other very interesting looking books about Egypt.  I'm - still very shy about actually doing rituals - I don't feel like I understand the meaning behind them  - the spirit behind them, and I -  to do a thing of Spirit by rote seems - hypocritical.  Yet, at the same time, I'm wondering if I will ever feel that - rush - of touching (or being touched by) the Netjer. I am relying more on my FEELINGS in this process than I ever have before, and honestly, it's - scary, yet freeing. I'm forced to be not only deeply in touch with my inner guts, but also forced to be HONEST about what I'm feeling.  And right now, my feelings are saying that I'm not READY for ritual - that I haven't read/experienced the event that will - make ritual meaningful. *sigh* 

Ahh... this whole thing made ever so much more sense earlier this week when it was fresh in my head.  I still know what I need to be writing, but it's not expressing itself nearly as gracefully this time. I think it's blended in with the rest of the brainsoup a little too well. 

Your Q Score is: 17
The Q score ideally should be as small as possible, indicating maximum agreement among elements. However, even a tiny Q score may not mean optimal functioning, since all four elements may in fact be relatively undeveloped.

Your Primary Mythical Creature
Air Types
The main strength of the Air types is intellect. The second element indicates the most probable focus for this intellectual activity.

Pegasus
Air and Earth

Astrologically associated with Libra and the Seventh House

Pegasus types are theorists who aim to achieve in reality what they conceive with the mind. They are perfectionists who strive to produce order from what they regard as the chaos around them. They detest disorder and ugliness and have a particular flair for creating beautiful surroundings in which to live. They can be highly original and possibly eccentric. They are curious and open-minded but will require convincing evidence to back up ideas. They show exceptional organizational ability. Although they are among the least outgoing of the types they are very concerned with promoting social harmony. Their ability to be objective and impartial makes them popular as fair-minded arbiters of disputes. They are extremely independent and can seem emotionally distant.





Your Shadow Creature
Fire Types
All the Fire types have problems relating to anger and aggression. The weakest element indicates the main focus of these problems.

Wyvern
Fire and Water

This shadow is both insensitive and hypersensitive. They are unsociable, emotionally illiterate, and mean-minded. Relations with others are characterized by conflict and calculated reprisals. Passive aggression is used to full effect. These types seem to dislike other people. They are plagued by powerful emotional undercurrents and they blame their discomfort on others. They appear cold; their emotional expression, when it is given vent, seems immature. They exhibit a sense of entitlement and do not think that they should have to earn what they get. They are poorly motivated and prone to bitterness. The biggest obstacle of weak Water is to overcome insensitivity and alienation; the biggest obstacle of weak Fire is to overcome anger and aggression.

So - I think I have enough brainpower now to talk about DotM.... where to start??

I was invited initially by two women that I know in Memphis, but once madrun said that she was going to DotM, I knew that I had to go.

So, I packed, prepped, and was heading out to the park by 6:30pm on Friday.

Honestly, I didn't have manypreconcieved concepts of what it would be like. I figured there would be talk of men, and sex, and babies, and birth (the conversations that no matter what ELSE is going on, manage to come up when a group of straight/bi women get together) and I knew there would be some rituals (because they told us to bring robes) but - I really wasn't sure what would be happening. Being the blooming Kemetic that I am, and knowing that most of these women were most likely Eclectic Wiccans, I wasn't sure how - smoothly I would be able to fit into things.  And then, considering my general ignorance of the path that I have choosen, I was - bashful, going in, to say the least. 

I get there, and literally, within minutes, my bashfullness is dispelled. The one thing that bugged me at the start, and bugged me all weekened, is that I have - I honestly don't really have a good feel for a lot of interpersonal interactions. I tend to go off and do my own thing - and I don't know if people read that as snobbish and standoffish, or if they view it as downright rude - and usually, that's the sort of question that if you ask, you'll get the same answer no matter HOW they feel. So - large groups of people - I tend to either connect myself with one group (and then feel guilty when I leave that group to particpate in other things) or I drift on the outskirts of everything. Anyhow - that niggling concern tagged along with me all weekend, but in general, I tried to ignore it  and think that I was in a group of adult women, and hopefully, if anyone had concerns about my actions, they would speak on them.

Anyhow!! The festival itself. It started out with the opening cermony, and I was reminded once again that my 'twang' is music/sound. I used to say that dancing in a club was the closest I could ever get to God - simply because dancing is really the only time my spirit is TOTALLY free  - and I can actually lose myself in music.  So - the opening ceremony consisted of us singing the DotM Theme Song, and exchanging our greeting gifts. I got this cool little change purse, and a rather - interesting - jack o' latern candle.

Afterwards - gah, I don't think there was anything really 'planned' for the rest of the night. I got myself throughly distracted repeatedly by getting into different conversations, and meeting people - it was REALLY fun to meet everyone.  Around 10, I got worried about the Nashvillians, and called them to find that they were in the wilds of MS somewhere - the reception in the park was horrid though, so we got disconnected quickly.

Gah...... what next?? More talking, the Nashvillians show up, everyone unpacks, I meet E...... it's interesting really, how the 'unplanned' times just blur into - a medley of cigarettes, laughter and talking.  Ah!! I remember the Bardic Circle, and my closing prayer - as people went around the circle, I thought about which netjer would be most appropiate to honor for the gift of creativity and prose. I was thinking Ptah, but BESIDES not knowing how to pronounce his name, I also wasn't totally sure it was accurate. I finally went with Ma'at, and thanked her for the balance - allowing us to create (the songs, the music, the vibe) while we witnessed destruction (the huge fire that had been consuming wood for most of the circle). It was certainly pulled from the ether, but it felt - RIGHT.

Saturday, I wake up at some ungodly hour (9 or so, I think?) snag a little breakfast, and go to the first workshop.  The theme of the day was Humours, and therefore the first thing that we did was to take a personality profile test and see which humour we were . I was mostly Melancholy,  with a dash of Phelegmatic.  After that, we had lunch, I think..... and after that, the first meditation.

Okay - I have to admit, I have a REALLLLLLLLY hard time with meditations - esp. guided ones. I have a VERY hard time making my brain shut up as it is, and hearing an unfamilliar voice REALLLY doesn't make it easier - esp when they 'walk' fast.  So - for the two 'guided meditations/journeys' (and I couldn't tell the difference between either) I tried to get into it, but between focusing on her words so hard that I didn't 'visualize anything' or visualizing so much that I lost track of her words and went wandering off in the forest, or moving faster than her and having to backtrack when she went a different direction, or making throughly irreverent comments in my head about the descriptions or directions we were being led - well, I honestly don't know that I got much out of them.  They were a definite challenge - I think if I had more time to ground myself, I would have been able to 'lose' myself in the meditation.

After that was naptime - where I TRIED to be nice, and instead screwed things totally up. Gah. I swear I didn't hear her say 'Malboro Lights'! I would have remembered that - I think. It's odd - I was perfectly sober, but even then my brain was doing weird things.

Ummm.... then... the Blood Mysteries workshop I think?? Hey - when it comes to talking about menses with women who don't get squeamish (despite the constant moaning from behind me about how menses was so 'gross and inconvienent and smelly and EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW'  *sighs* ) I can have FUN! So - me and the Nashvillians TOTALLY took that one over - but honestly, I think that without us speaking out, it would have been a much less enjoyable and inspiring workshop.

After that - was another guided mediation - which was if possible, even worse than the first one for me. Some of the thing my brain was tossing out there made me either want to burst into laughter, or made me want to slap MYSELF on the wrist for being so naughty.  *shakes head*  And - if you are guiding on a symbolic journey, I thin kthat I would be able to focus MORE if I knew what the symbols MEANT. So.

Now - after that was the high point (to me) of the whole festival - the guedra (gay-dra). It was a Tureg dance/trance ritual (I've mentioned how dance &  sound 'tweaks' me, right??) and funnily enough, it wasn't even PART of  DotM originially, the Nashvillians were the experienced ones, and taught it to the rest of us.
It was - amazing. I'm generally NOT the biggest  'energy moving/spirit sensing/ open aura' kind of person - but that - it MOVED me.  And after witchatwork (who's LJ I can't get to at work, because it's flagged as porn somehow????) danced/tranced it was - I literally HAD to do. I could feel the energy vibrating up and down my back. I was swaying and sighing and - it felt - scary. Very very scary, yet freeing all at once. It was most likely another HOUR or so before I danced, and by that time, I was so full of 'juice' that I was barely able to greet the four directions before I nearly collapsed onto my knees. I remember feeling the sarong I had put on starting to slip off (and I'm rather modest - totally not the type to go naked in group settings) and I DIDN'T CARE. I finished sooner than I wanted to, honestly - I think the chant changed before I was really ready for it - but it was WONDERFUL.
And the thing that really blew my mind was how I felt AFTERWARDS.  I was EXHAUSTED. I mean - I was so drained, I was limp. I managed to hang out for another hour or so, and then once I lost the beat three times in a row, I had to leave.
I still managed to stay awake until 5am, but - at least that was just talk.  As much as ANY conversation that went on that weekend could be considered 'just' talk. When I went to sleep, I was hoping for dreams of some sort - but instead I just had these - amazing patterns of color that danced behind my eyes until I fell asleep.

Sunday, I woke up, and I was dragging. I mean, my ass was so close to the floor it was damn near a miracle that I was able to walk at all.... Breakfast was to be had, goodbyes to be said, and the closing ritual to be had.
As SOON as the closing rit started, and we started singing, I could literally FEEL the energy rushing out of me and into the ground. It was goosebump provoking. And once it was done - I actually had MORE pep and MORE energy. I guess having excess energy trapped in you is just as drag provoking as plain not having enough energy. Thakfully, I hadn't even started loading the car yet because I couldn't IMAGINE doing it feeling how I felt BEFORE the closing ritual. I loaded the car, said my goodbyes repeatedly, and made my way home.
Overall? I enjoyed the heck out of it. I'm glad that I went to all the rituals, if only for no other reason than I could get a 'feel' for things.  I've been invited to PUF (which is the weekend we close) and Beltaine (which is a weekend or two afterwards) and - I REALLLY want to go to PUF, but I suspect that I won't be able to, and I think that I most likely WILL be able to go to Beltaine, but I'm not sure how much I WANT to.  *sigh* Isn't that life?

So - I'm definitely going to be doing some more reading, and more studying - at the very least, I need to research (in the next week) an at least PARTIALLY authentic Kemetic housecleansing ritual.

Shee.

Daughters of the Moon

I desparately want to write about DotM, Kemetism, Recon faiths, community, gender and color, but I'm so blamed brainbusted that I just can't gather things in any cohesive way. Interestingly enough, I find that it's easier to talk about it than it is to write it down - which considering me, is throughly unusual.

One thing that I will say is that last night I realized that I MUST write down the titles of the books that I'm reading and that I want to read. Organization is a must.

*huge yawn*

It's interesting too - I know that I didn't get THAT much sleep during DotM - but I was in bed by 10 last night - I really shouldn't be THIS tired.

Stuff....

This one is going to be really rambly, as I haven't written here for a while, but have been up to stuff.

So - *thinks* Saturday, I thnk it was, I started working on the new statuette of Ma'at..... *sighs* It didn't feel the same this time, making it. I'm not sure if it was more because of the strggles I had in making the 'faux' lapis lazuli (I've got more scrap shades of sparkly blue than a little bit), but after I got the clay together, I went through about three variations of the statue before getting something that I'm satisfied with - yet even though it's prettier than the first one (I made a mold for the face from a wedding statue that we have - that was fun!) I LIKE the first one better.  At some point, I'll take pictures of both so that ya'll can see them. I have to admit, the actual - construction of this one was done much better - I actually used gold clay for the feather and the headband, so - it's very pretty - but the first one FEELS better. 
I also made the small offering bowls to go in the shrine - those I LOVE.  They need to be glazed though - I need to read up on burning items in FIMO - I would like to use one as an inscense holder, but I don't want to release toxic fumes along with the inscense. I think that I might like the Ma'at statue better if I glazed it - I'll have to find some good clay glaze and see if a buffed shine will make it feel better.
What else? I got the Tarot cards - I don't believe I talked about that  - and they are alll gorgeous. The cards are a little bigger than I expected, but they still can fit into my hands.  I haven't used them yet - though, I've got some stuff going on where doing a reading would be very useful - but I know that I'm no where NEAR objective enough to do one for myself. I'll either interpet everything exceedingly pessimistic or exceedingly OPTIMISTIC.  Maybe someone at DoM will be able to do a reading for me. 
I've gotten all of the books that I've ordered online, and I've put together a list of books to pick up from the library - they have several books that were highly recommneded, so I'm going to read them first, and then I suspect that I am going to want to buy them - anyone know of a good source? I don't think that HoN's online bookstore sells books other than those written by their Nisut, but I'm not sure - I'll have to double check. 
What else have I been up to? 
Okay - not directly related to Ma'at/Kemetism, but I simply MUST mention it - we are looking at buying a house, and I'm seriously trying to be calm and relaxed about it, but I'm already plotting on where to put the shrine, and how I'm going to paint, and all that. My brain is 90% occupied by thoughts of the house, so - yes. 

Hmm... not as rambly as I thought ......

Bolder and Bolder....

So! I just registered for Daughters Of the Moon - I'm throughly excited and nervous all at once. I - so often, I feel like such a poser in Wiccan circles because I know JUST enough to know that I don't really know anything at all. At the same time, I know that I don't know that much indepth information about wicca because it never felt quite right to me - it's like a Jew knowing the Lords Prayer - I've heard of it, I might know a few lines, but really - it's not my bag babe. So, thus, the nervousness, because I NEVER want people to think I'm a faker - I don't - as I like to say, "I'll never live long enough to fake it". With all that said, I'm STILL going to DotM. I think that - rituals aside - it will be a wonderful time to connect with local heathenish women, and just have a slamming amount of fun in the park. SO - Yay!! Now, I just must find a royal blue robe that I won't feel like a overblown cookie monster in.

Drums

we justify war
with the constant reminders
of those already dead


Is it even possible anymore to avoid talking about war? Fear is slowly seeping into every segment of our lives, steady doses drip-drip-dripped into the IV of information that I find almost impossible to disconnect. I'm horrified at the callousness of some people. The same president who is rabidly against abortion (it stops a beating heart, ya know) is planning a bombing attack on a city the size of Los Angeles. Talk about hundreds of beating hearts that will come screeching to a halt - and they will be the innocent ones. Those in power are the main ones who have the ability to stay safe, to escape the area, and to end up alive when the bombing is over. See Bin Laden, Osama as a wonderful example of this.
And to use 9/11 (15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi's by the way. None of them were Iraqis) as a 'reason' for war is to make the implied assumption that only American lives are worthy, because we plan on killing far more than 3,000 Iraqis. To use the Kurds as an example ignores the fact that the gas they died from came from Iran, and that they were in the middle of a war zone. Of course, we plan on killing far more innocents than 5,000 too. But they won't be American innocents - so why should it matter? I'm against the war because I'm for life, and that's all the reason I need.

---

I'm making plans for planting a garden this year. I live in an apartment, so that makes it a little more interesting, but I have a huge wood floored balcony. If we go to war, I'm going to need a place of peace to come home to, and greenery=peace for me. So far, I'm going to plant tomatoes, strawberries, turnips, catnip (can't forget the little ones), cucumbers, basil, thyme, mint, parseley, and summer squash. I might be over-extending myself a little, but I figure that if I plant just one or two plants of the spreaders, there should be plenty of room for the rest. I've never grown a garden of my own, and really - only once or twice helped grow a garden when I was younger. But gardens have always been a place of peace and serenity to me, and I miss having that in my life.
I went to my consultation with the tattoo artist yesterday to start work on the bing one. She appeared to think that what I wanted was a disticnt possibility, and I'm excited about that. I've also settled on what I want for my 'little' tattoo - a representation of the Element of Fire. I was considering getting something that was more part of who I am already, but something held me back from that. Last night it struck me that the thing I am missing (if you go by elemental descriptions) is Fire. I'm very well grounded/stable so that covers the realm of Earth. I'm intelligent and intuitive, which covers the realm of Air. I'm emotional (heaven knows) and comfortable with that - which covers the realm of Water. However, as I wrote in an earlier entry - I'm missing the Fire. I don't have that deepset blaze of passion and willpower - and it seems so appropiate to emphasize that. Now that I know what I want though, I don't WANT to wait until I lose another 20 pounds. I'm debating on getting it the week after my surgery - which would happen to be payday as well. Decisions, decisions.

Even in my dreams....

Once again, a crazy ass dream….

There was a group of us, women who lived together in a castle type place, and each of us had a pet/familiar of some type. My pet… I think it was a bird/cat mix…like a baby griffin. I had to create a safe haven for it, because it was rather skilled at escaping form almost any kind of structure, and it was still too young to have a good sense of what was dangerous and what was not. So I created a sanctuary to protect it while I was waiting for the birth of my baby sister…who was being born to a woman who was actually younger than me…so perhaps our relationship was going to be more of a sisterly one than one of mother and daughter. Anyhow, I got to the hospital just in time to witness her birth. Her mother didn’t want the baby… and somehow I had been picked to be her guardian. After the baby was born and cleaned some, she was handed to me, and I broke down sobbing from an odd mix of joy and jealously and amazement at how absolutely gorgeous this child was.
Then they took the baby to the nursery, and I met a few of the women that I lived with. We wanted to go to the nursery to see her, and on our way there we stopped to get something to eat. As we were carrying our food out, I saw the baby’s mother lying on the ground, shivering with cold. I’m not sure if it was forbidden to help her, or what, but all I did was cover her with a blanket that came from nowhere, and then I went on to look at my baby sister…and that’s all I can remember. I know that there was actually a good bit more to the dream than that… but that was the part that stuck to me the strongest.

I haven’t had a really strong emotional dream in a good while. After I woke up and started thinking about it, I found it interesting that I had an emotional dream relating to babies after so long of a period of not having them at all…and the last few that I have had have been mostly violent emotions. * shrugs* I don’t know what it is with me and the whole baby longing thing…but in talking to a sister my age while I was here, she said that the urge hits her too sometimes. Is that just a mid twenties thing?? Suddenly the urge to have a child pops up scarily frequently? I figure it is a sly attack on our minds by our bodies, which knows quite well that this is just about the best time for us to have kids. *shrugs * I’m assuming this only happens to women who really want kids…at least I hope so.
Maybe I need to have a bit of a chat with my mother hmmm?

Stay Jazzed.

I need more sleep

Fascinating. The world of internet personal ads.
Dream-time...drifting in a land of dreams with half seen images and memories floating through your every move.. I drift through dream-time until consciousness forces me back into the limited skull that I as human am doomed to endure.
Lately I have been feeling like I am limited in.. perception of what I can see and understand by being human. Like If I could somehow peel out of everything that I once thought I knew that I would be able to see what was wrong and what is right and somehow change my very skin so that it would fit smoothly over the lumps and bumps that I can’t even see. *sighs* I feel like I am sllloowly going crazy.
Anyway.
I have leapt into locking my hair full fledged. Over the weekend I tightened the roots, then washed it. It is much neater looking than I expected it to be, but it doesn’t have the same dense/heavy/thick feeling that it had before. Maybe it’s just too clean. But I am happy with it… *sighs*
Something is wrong with me and I can’t figure out what it is. My period is almost a month overdue, but according to *thinks* five pregnancy tests, I am not not not not not pregnant. : ( I don’t like it when my body starts to do it’s own thing. Especially after me being so regular and all. Hmmph. Made an appointment with the doctor, but the earliest I could get in was Jan 11th 01. *sighs* oh well…
Still trying to find a cheap flight to Philly for Christmas (from the Catholic Term Christ’s Mass, which was the mass that was performed near the winter solistice to lure the ‘pagans’ from the worship of their gods) break, but as I want one that is under 200.00 I think I might be out of luck. Ah well…

I’m off looking for more surveys…. Ta-ta…

Stay Jazzed.

Thou Art...(Theme Entry)

*claps* oh my…maybe the OD Staff will be able to keep up the every Friday thing for a while… I like this theme, so I will run with it.

What is my strongest belief?
Hmm… interesting. I am guessing that most people will talk about god, because when someone asks what you believe in, that can often be the first response. Automatically and swiftly, they will respond with a semi-sermon about the strength of their belief in god. Hm. I am gonna go there, because I don’t really believe in god, and that LACK of belief leads to my strongest belief.

I don’t believe in a god who looks down upon his creations and moves them about like chess pieces. I don’t believe in a god who hears & answers the multitude of simplistic and selfish prayers of her creations. I don’t believe in a god that is separate from who I am. I believe in myself. I believe that I can do anything that I put my mind to (within reason) as long as I trust myself. I believe that my creator made me strong enough to deal with and live through anything that I encounter, and only if I have tried my damnedest and done my best will my ‘god’ even consider helping out. I believe in a god that believes in me, and insists that I grow into the fullness of who I am, without leaning on those everlasting arms.

Why do I believe in such a ‘hands-off’ god? Maybe it’s because I haven’t had enough ‘miracles’ in my life. Everything that I have gotten, I have worked for & towards, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I have never been one to sit on my rear and bitch (or pray) when I couldn’t get my hands on what I wanted. I have tended to be one who has always reached towards what I wanted, and if I ever chose not to reach, I blamed my lack of getting what I wanted on myself, rather than on fate, or the gods, or even my destiny. I considered the role of god while I was going through my pregnancy, and how abortion figured into that role. And that was the only time where I have said, ‘Well, if god doesn’t want me to do this, I won’t be able to’. While I believe in a god that lets me find my own path and create my own preordained life, I believe in a force that will not be stopped, and will not be ignored and whose power cannot be imagined.

Sounds contradictory? It is…and it is not. So perhaps…my strongest belief is in god…and in myself. My strongest belief is in the goddess that is within me. In the portion of that force that will not be stopped and cannot be ignored that exists within me. I believe in the portion of that unimaginable power that the Creator has, that she placed within me at the moment of my birth. And leaning on that belief, I can do anything.

Hm. I know that the idea of my god has been shaped by books, mainly science fiction & fantasy. The image that I have of my god is similar to that of The Star-Eyed One, from Mecerdes Lackey’s OathBound series and others dealing with the Shi’anin and the Hawkbrothers. The Star-Eyed one is a fierce yet loving goddess, who expects her children to do all that they can to make it before they call on her. A quote that I remember reading the solidified this concept of her being ‘my’ kind of goddess is this:

“Once a hunter called upon the Star-Eyed one, asking for her help because he had lost his skill in hunting, having relied upon his luck rather than on his skill for too long. She looked at him and said ‘You are still alive, aren’t you?’, meaning that he had not yet done enough to warrant her help.”

It sounds cold, and perhaps not as loving a goddess as most people would imagine, but I have to respect a goddess who depends all from her children, and when they have given that, she in turns gives her all.
Hm. I guess I am a pagan after all. *laughs*

Stay Jazzed.

Goddess, Revisted

I wanted to do a run through of my Goddess ratings and see how much I agreed with them. When I first did it I knew that it was pretty on point, but I wanted to go through and really write about how on point it was or was not.

You scored 33% Aphrodite
If you are ruled mostly by Aphrodite, your femininity and passionate spirit are the controlling forces in your life. You tend to be charismatic and self-assured, comfortable with your body and unrestrained sexually. Men are drawn to you like bees to flowers, which satisfies your erotic nature. However, you tend not to form permanent attachments with lovers because you value your sexual freedom, which may leave you feeling lonely and even depleted once a relationship ends. To find and form a more lasting relationship, you need to add more of the goddess Hera to your life.

Interesting, mainly because it’s mostly true. At least the way I draw men to me like bees to honey, even though it seems to be the older, slower bees that I manage to pull in. And lately, the erotic side of me has been quite restrained, at least as far as sharing it with other is concerned. Comfy with my body? Yes…even though I hate it on occasion, most of the time I am pleased with what God gave me. Hmm…my relationships don’t usually end because of a desire for sexual freedom though. I haven’t quite figured out why they tend to end.


You scored 25% Persephone
If you exemplify the qualities of Persephone, you have most likely experienced great loss in your life -- the loss of your health or your emotional or physical security, the betrayal of a friend or lover, the loss of a child, your own divorce or that of your parents. This experience has forced you to face the dark, unenlightened side of yourself (the side that blames other people or circumstances for your own suffering) and transform yourself into a stronger, more independent, more accepting and more loving person. It may have also led you down a spiritual path, and moved you to place great emphasis on inner calm and on close connections with friends. You are capable of embracing, integrating and accepting difficult experiences. Because of that skill, you offer others the gift of empathy -- you know where they are or have been.

This one is REALLY good. I think that most people have lost something, but I know that I have faced that ‘dark, unenlightened’ side of me, and made her sit down & shut up. At the same time it is a bad thing, because I don’t allow myself to lean or rely on others…I’m just too used to people letting me down. The more important something is, the more I try to have plan that will allow me, and me alone to have the final say on whether it goes through. I can handle letting myself down, but I can’t handle others doing it. Inner calm? Oh my yes…once again though, maybe a bit too much. If the inner calm is created at the expense of all of my other emotions, then that is not a healthy thing. Close connections with friends? Yes, the few I have are my friends for life. Emphatic? *sighs * I always wanted to be like Deanna Troi on ST:TNG, because to be able to feel and relate to others feelings seemed like the most wonderful gift there could be. I try to be emphatic, but I try to give people a chance to keep the focus on themselves. My skill in that has gotten worse lately…

You scored 16% Artemis
If you are ruled by Artemis, your independent spirit belongs to no one but yourself. Your body is vibrant, your attitude robust and your manner vigorous and alive. You are driven by physical rather than mental energy. You feel complete without a man in your life and would never compromise your essential nature for a romantic partner. You are skilled at establishing personal boundaries and enter into relationships on your own terms -- in short, you can take care of yourself. This attitude may at times put men off.

Hm. All of this is true except for that physical rather than mental energy bit. It relates a lot to Persephone, in that because of my losses, I have become & created a very independent woman who takes damn good care of herself. Put men off? Hm. If they can’t handle me being the way I am…they can’t handle me. Would I ever consider changing? Perhaps…when I meet someone I can depend on like I depend on myself. Then I will be able to relax and know that I won’t think I’m leaning on someone to find out that I was really leaning on air.

You scored 16% Athena
If you are ruled by Athena, you are bright-eyed, shrewd, resourceful and inventive. With friends, you are the wise counselor -- always ready with an empowering message. You are believe strongly that women can accomplish anything men can. No wonder you put so much time into your career. Athena women tend to be ruled by their head, not by their heart. You carefully guard your intimate side, protecting your emotions and vulnerability. If you want to awaken your unexpressed womanliness, you'll have to use the same passion you apply to your intellectual achievements. It's important that you work to integrate your strong masculine side with your feminine side -- bringing together your strength with your vulnerability, your creativity with caring, your intelligence with imagination. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unaffectionate and self-righteous.

Hm. Okay…I can work with this one. Wise? Yeah, okay…only when it comes to other folx though. I KNOW that women can do anything that men can, plus a few more things. : ) I am ruled by logic (half-Vulcan anyone?) and in the process, my head controls. My heart is like a flag, blowing in the wind…but my head is like the flagpole, a fixed supporter. Hm. Awaken my unexpressed womanliness? Umph. Interesting… I am very ‘feminine’ in appearance, and very ‘masculine’ in my mind, and I like it that way. I have been called cold, which would refer to being unaffectionate, and it’s been claimed that I have the skill of looking down on people…self-righteous maybe? It’s interesting, because while I may appear to be that way…it isn’t the effect that I mean to give off. * sighs*

You scored 8% Demeter
If you fit the Demeter archetype, you are a nurturer and caretaker. You have a generous heart and enjoy extending your love to others. You are motivated by the most powerful of instincts -- to give life -- and selflessly devote yourself to the life you create. You feel compelled to care for all those around you, even if they are not your own children. In short, you feel the need to be all things to all people and, therefore, your own needs sometimes go unmet. You must learn to say no, and apply Artemis's sense of boundaries and Aphrodite's ability to put herself first. That way, you can give to others from an overflowing rather than a half-full cup.

Um no. * grins* Simply put, I can be a very selfish person. I nurture & take care of myself…and I am always a open shoulder to cry on, but all that other stuff? Nope.

You scored 0% Hestia
If you embody the qualities of Hestia, you understand the value of having your own sacred place, whether it's an actual room or simply a time of day when you free your mind of busy thoughts and experience peace of mind. There's no doubt this place is at home -- where you feel the most joy. Home is your sanctuary. You are at home with yourself wherever you are, though, and no matter whom you are with. You know that the meaning of your life springs from your spiritual center. This brings you a great sense of security. You do not crave attention or material possessions; you nurture your friends and family with your unconditional love.

I find it interesting that it says I had no Hestia in me. I LOVE my home…it is and always will be my main sanctuary. The spiritual center stuff?? Not really…I am not really spiritually rooted, and I still feel…secure. I wonder what kind of security they were talking about though. I LOVE attention… and as far as material possessions…umm me & my love/hate affair with money is a genetic trait. Unconditional love? No.

You scored 0% Hera
If you possess many of Hera's qualities, you tend to find fulfillment in relationships and look on marriage as a permanent union. In marriage, you feel no sense of frustration or resentment, because you are an equal partner with your spouse. You are confident and have no trouble asserting your authority in and out of the relationships. You seek men who are self-confident and successful, because you are comfortable with the concept that you can be fulfilled through him (and him through you). As long as your partner honors the marriage as much as you do and appreciates you, you will be happy. If he doesn't, you must concentrate on your own growth and discover an identity independent of him.

This one I totally agree with. Not a scrap of Hera do I have in me. I fulfill most of my needs, and those that I can’t fulfill, I tend to do without rather than looking for someone else to fill them for me. I’m a closed in little creature aren’t I?


Staying Divinely Jazzed.

Oh My Goddess!!!

I found this delightful little quiz that finds the Goddess in you. I took it, and these were my results. How….interesting.
If you want to take the test, the webiste is:
http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/articles/0,4097,77655~126,00.html
Cut & paste and enjoy. If you take it..leave me a note so I can come and see your results...


You scored 33% Aphrodite
If you are ruled mostly by Aphrodite, your femininity and passionate spirit are the controlling forces in your life. You tend to be charismatic and self-assured, comfortable with your body and unrestrained sexually. Men are drawn to you like bees to flowers, which satisfies your erotic nature. However, you tend not to form permanent attachments with lovers because you value your sexual freedom, which may leave you feeling lonely and even depleted once a relationship ends. To find and form a more lasting relationship, you need to add more of the goddess Hera to your life.

You scored 25% Persephone
If you exemplify the qualities of Persephone, you have most likely experienced great loss in your life -- the loss of your health or your emotional or physical security, the betrayal of a friend or lover, the loss of a child, your own divorce or that of your parents. This experience has forced you to face the dark, unenlightened side of yourself (the side that blames other people or circumstances for your own suffering) and transform yourself into a stronger, more independent, more accepting and more loving person. It may have also led you down a spiritual path, and moved you to place great emphasis on inner calm and on close connections with friends. You are capable of embracing, integrating and accepting difficult experiences. Because of that skill, you offer others the gift of empathy -- you know where they are or have been.

You scored 16% Artemis
If you are ruled by Artemis, your independent spirit belongs to no one but yourself. Your body is vibrant, your attitude robust and your manner vigorous and alive. You are driven by physical rather than mental energy. You feel complete without a man in your life and would never compromise your essential nature for a romantic partner. You are skilled at establishing personal boundaries and enter into relationships on your own terms -- in short, you can take care of yourself. This attitude may at times put men off..

You scored 16% Athena
If you are ruled by Athena, you are bright-eyed, shrewd, resourceful and inventive. With friends, you are the wise counselor -- always ready with an empowering message. You are believe strongly that women can accomplish anything men can. No wonder you put so much time into your career. Athena women tend to be ruled by their head, not by their heart. You carefully guard your intimate side, protecting your emotions and vulnerability. If you want to awaken your unexpressed womanliness, you'll have to use the same passion you apply to your intellectual achievements. It's important that you work to integrate your strong masculine side with your feminine side -- bringing together your strength with your vulnerability, your creativity with caring, your intelligence with imagination. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unaffectionate and self-righteous.

You scored 8% Demeter
If you fit the Demeter archetype, you are a nurturer and caretaker. You have a generous heart and enjoy extending your love to others. You are motivated by the most powerful of instincts -- to give life -- and selflessly devote yourself to the life you create. You feel compelled to care for all those around you, even if they are not your own children. In short, you feel the need to be all things to all people and, therefore, your own needs sometimes go unmet. You must learn to say no, and apply Artemis's sense of boundaries and Aphrodite's ability to put herself first. That way, you can give to others from an overflowing rather than a half-full cup.

You scored 0% Hestia
If you embody the qualities of Hestia, you understand the value of having your own sacred place, whether it's an actual room or simply a time of day when you free your mind of busy thoughts and experience peace of mind. There's no doubt this place is at home -- where you feel the most joy. Home is your sanctuary. You are at home with yourself wherever you are, though, and no matter whom you are with. You know that the meaning of your life springs from your spiritual center. This brings you a great sense of security. You do not crave attention or material possessions; you nurture your friends and family with your unconditional love.

You scored 0% Hera
If you possess many of Hera's qualities, you tend to find fulfillment in relationships and look on marriage as a permanent union. In marriage, you feel no sense of frustration or resentment, because you are an equal partner with your spouse. You are confident and have no trouble asserting your authority in and out of the relationships. You seek men who are self-confident and successful, because you are comfortable with the concept that you can be fulfilled through him (and him through you). As long as your partner honors the marriage as much as you do and appreciates you, you will be happy. If he doesn't, you must concentrate on your own growth and discover an identity independent of him.


Staying Divinely Jazzed…

A New Road to Hoe...

listen
to the sound
of a heart
breaking into
three
dropping everything to
catch the pieces
before they fall
and roll away
I read a tale today
and heard the sound
but moved too slow
and my heart lay on the ground

I don’t know how to start this.. or how to finish it.. over even where somewhere is in the middle that I could jump in and work my way out from there. *laughs* sometimes I tend to forget what ‘this’ is… and other times it is all I can think about. How can I translate what is only a blurry mental image into words that can convey not just what I see but what I feel…how can I describe top you a point that I have reached only be being so totally and utterly myself that if I strayed from being myself…because I was the one doing I was still myself? Confusing huh? yeah.. and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I can’t compile myself into a story short enough to fit here…to understand me fully would take a tale that is 22 years long…and my the time it was done…parts of it would be outright lies.. and parts would be simply antiquated. *sighs* some things cannot be expressed or understood my anything other than the heart.
This is my story
This is my life
This is my heart
This is my love(s)
and so much more too…
I cleaned my room yesterday, and in the process of cleaning… found and Old OLD journal of mine… as I was putting in away.. a card fell out of it. I wads from MJW… from a few years ago. And as I read it.. I realized that what I was asking for...he had…in his own way already given to me. *laughs* I wonder if he remembers… I wonder why I didn’t remember. *sighs* anyway…. I slid the card back in my journal…and dreamed of him last night. It was a dream along the lines of the ones I had before the break…and in that way I guess my heart was telling my mind that all was well. Now that THAT connection is healed… *looks around* I have to complete the delving into myself.
I had actually slowed down on my goddess search.. there was too much around me pulling me in other directions. Now all I have to worry about/think on is my last few days at work.. and my rapidly approaching school times. *deep breaths* I think that I will come up with some mediations for school before it starts. *shakes head* I already know that I can’t allow other folx ideas of when I should be done and how I should be done affect my own journey. *deep breath* This is MY life…and I will have to deal with each and every one of the decisions that I make. *deeper breath* whoo….. This WILL be interesting…..

Stay Jazzed.

Paganism & Peace

The following is something I wrote after having an interesting conversation with someone about witchcraft/Wicca. I would like to note that I am NOT NOT NOT speaking for everyone who follows a different path…and that there ARE some folx who worship the classical images of ‘Satan’…but many of us DON’T.

Why is it that people still believe in religion, but magic & Wicca is unreal? They are based on the same basic principles – the belief in something unseen, untouchable, undemonstratable that when supplicated & approached in the correct way provides the desired results. So, then where is the source of the disbelief and prejudice? Perhaps it lies in the fact that Wicca has always gotten the bad rap of being inherently evil, while religion was always inherently good. And perhaps there we have the problem. Not the belief itself, but rather the perceived methodology of incorporating those beliefs. The problem/issue at hand is not the fact that Wiccans supplicate some unknown ‘thing’, but the fact that it is assumed that ‘thing’ which they supplicate is ‘Satan’ rather than ‘God’. The body & blood they supposedly use in their rites is babies’ blood and flesh, rather than the bread and wine of Mass. The altar is supposedly flesh, rather than stone…and so forth.
So, the problem is not in the supplication, but in the perceived forms of the one who Wiccans supplicate. We could supplicate the Judeo-Christian father god, but he tends to be a bit stern, believes in consistent vengeance & is a little too macho for many Wiccans tastes. So we turn to other beings, other names whether they be male in the form of Ausar, Apollo or Shango. Or perhaps the names we use are female, in the form of Baast, Diana or Yemeya. They still reflect our belief in something much greater than ourselves, who may have created us, or who may themselves be the creations of something even greater.
We worship from our homes & in the fields and forested places where we can feel closer to what our God/desses represent to us. We create mixtures that heal, and perform chant and prayers and songs that bring us peace. We do our best to find the path that will bring us closer to a state of peace & spiritual harmony. And we try to do it all…while harming none.
So the next time you meet someone who is a Wiccan…or who practices witchcraft…or who is a Pagan (of any type) think about what they are trying to do for themselves & others before you dismiss us as superstitious fools. We, too are searching for peace…and although our paths may differ…in many ways…we are the same.