Festival Of Souls 2007

Where to start? Choices, choices, always choices. Wise or foolish, you cannot tell until the choice is made, when the choices dance in the greylands.


Choice - to pay full price, even though I had registered as work trade - it felt good. I need to find the appropiate word for mitzvah that comes from my trad., as that is what it was. It was hard work (oh, my back and my ass were KILLING me - so much more respect I have for what C does day in and day out!), but it was fun, it wasn't cleaning bathrooms, and it wasn't a constant thing..... in other words I had plenty of time to fellowship. Since I'm not THAT active in the community - I should be more active, but I have to say I like my house more than I like SG, it was a good time for me to be visible, and busy. I got quite a few thanks and accolades for the work I did, and it seemed to be a good time to step up, since I was graduating from First Realm.
Community - it lies on the back of those who build, and in the hands of those who live.



Choice - to be persistant, and continue shopping until I laid hands on the stone that I knew was there. There was a stoneswoman there named Dick, and she had a HUGE number of gorgeous and cheap stones - just - stuff that would make your jaw drop. I came across my first - vibratory stone there. I was rummaging amoungst her selections, and this stone sprung out at me - it was a dark rich black color, with little flecks on it that reminded me of the night sky.
Mind you, the night before I had coo'ed over the fact that I could actually see the seven sisters (well, only six of them, but I can NEVER see baby sister for some reason) and so I scooped the stone right up. It started throbbing in my hand. At first, I thought I had too many stones in that hand, and switched out. Still throbbing. Then, I held it in my hand loosely, thinking that it was the tightness of the hand hold that was causing the throbbing. No, no, the rock was DEFINITELY throbbing in my hand. I go to Dick and ask her what the stone is - a garnet. My birth stone. And it clicked - and of course, I go it.

Later on, I'm telling this tale to Joy the Bard, and when she went to her room to change, she returned with a wee gift for me - it was a rose quartz ball (another of my birth stones, according to some) and when she handed it to me, I nearly dropped it in shock - my whole hand/arm tingled, instantly, like a small electric shock had hit it. I dropped it into the traveling altar I had won, and clung to the stone and the bag for the rest of the very long night.

I haven't touched either stone since I got back.... I'm debating in my head (very quietly) my altar setup.

Choice - attending the Mysteries, or staying in the room and kikiki'ng. I was mildly irked with one of my roommates (gah, that's a whole nother post) and I wanted to attend at least one Wyrd Sister workshop.

Firstly, it was possibly the first meditation/guided journey I actually got something out of - firstly, the shock of recognication of the garden, and the stone chair, and the stream. Secondly, the deep anscetress who showed up looked REMARKLY like Lady Kiya (whose picture I didn't stumble across until AFTER FOS) and she told me two things.
1) Be Love
2) Trust You
Yeah, possibly two of the biggest platitudes, EVER, but she was right serious about them. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be the 1st cornithians love, or the hippydippy 70's love & peace man, but it's been running through my head since then. The trust bit she only said after I bugged her about the whole 'Be Love' bit. Hurmph.
I've done the meditation on my own a couple of times, but I never seem to be able to make it either up the steps in the Sacred Tree, or I get distracted by the chambers in the Mound - I want to know what's in them....

Choice - to sit out Guedra. For one, I was colder than - oh wow, I don't think I've been that cold in a while. For two, I was irked - I was filled with a sense of service, and it was a return to reality (on the last night of FOS) that not everyone fills the same - duty - towards others. And ya know, it's not like I'm the most dutiful person either - but, when one has a role, one fulfills that role, dammit. And not half-assedly, either. *sigh* *pulls plank out of my eye*
But it was good - sitting by the fire, listening to people talk, staring at the sky and seeing so MANY shooting stars (I never realized they left trails before) humming along to the chants. In addition, guedra was 'wrapped' up by a complaint from off the field, and I most likely wouldn't have gotten a chance to dance - and it worked, well. I don't know how many more guedras I will participate in..... hrm, I'll have to mull over that later.

It's always so hard to come back from a festival and actually write about it - so much of what happens is magical and of the moment and is built on the moments before and can't be clearly shared after the fact - but I always try, to at least note a little something down, so that I can at least solidify the memory for myself. High points, low points, the smell of cloves and campfire in the morning.

Ages upon ages

Wow - it's been so long since i've written in here, they've changed stuff up on me.

It's not that I don't have things to say - it just that usually, everytime I come, and look at this blank sheet, it feels - overwhelming - to even start. So, I'll kick things off with a little whimsy, and then do the serious stuff under the cut.....

On the twelfth day of Christmas, maatwomyn sent to me...

Twelve ibejimoms homesteading

Eleven maatwomyns unjobbing

Ten urban_homesteads a-cooking

Nine luellons composting

Eight gnolyns a-homemaking

Seven icbhods a-reading

Six doulas a-farming

Five co-o-o-ommunes

Four midwives

Three intentional communities

Two women issues

...and a kemet in an alternative energy.

Get your own Twelve Days:

So - since the last time I wrote, where I mentioned being nudged (and rather firmly, too) towards at least getting off me ass and DOING something - I've
1) Set up a wee altar - It's in my nook, and at some point, I need to take a picture of it - I love it, and I visit it everymorning to make offerings to the Akhu and the Netjer (currently represented by my handmade Ma'at - but she will be joined by others - I plan on making the most of this holiday season), and I go through the declarations, and I (slowly, slowly) teach myself tarot by pulling a card on a daily basis - I figure that sort of slow repitition will get me used to MY deck - and it will be a good spring point towards other decks.

It's been interesting, pulling and reading cards. For a WHILE (and dangit, I need tostart keeping track of the cards I pull & when) they were telling me to relax, stop trying to rush things, that guides/teacher would come as I was ready for them, and that me hunting for them was simply NOT GOING TO WORK. Well, FINE. And I stopped, and started moving slower, and ya know? It's working. I've been pulling a lot of Earth cards too, and many journey cards. I think I've only pullled TWO air cards and ONE water card - everything else is either Major Arcana, Earth or Fire. Umph.


2) Started First Realm classes with Summerland Grove - which is basically a root level introduction to Paganism. No, I don't NEED to be in these classes, but dammit, all the cool kids are in school, and I (shhhh!) miss learning in a structured environment, and I miss interacting with people who have some bloody sense, and despite thinking that I have a pretty good grasp on the basics of Paganism, I think that this will be useful. Besides all that, I know that I want to go at LEAST to 3rd realm classes, and ya can't take second without starting with first. So far, I'm really enjoying it - and taking the classes is giving me a slow entry into SG.

I've been - interested - in becoming more involved with SG for a while - esp. after meeting Trudy, and after hearing

madrun gush about Anne, and jsut - the general VIBE of the SG people has been very - no nonsense dealt with/endured, semi-organized (as organized as you can get when herding cats) and just generally friendly and SMART. I don't do well with dumb folx. So - taking the First Realm classes also helps me get over my shyness - despite 'knowing' several of the people there - I'm still outside of their group - not part of their clique, and 1st Realm is a cheap way for me to get over my(self) shyness, and - interact, dammit!

Hrrmmm - let's see, what else is going on in my spiritual life? See - it's rather mundane really - it's a slow, slow, sllloooowww journey, and it's not til I've moved a good little ways along that I can turn, and look back, and say - wow! I've actually MOVED some. SO. Yes.

I'm seriously plotting on extending the scope of my LJ - I think that I'll add the mildy obsessive gardening & peak oil stuff here too, and I MIGHT toss in a bit about the upcoming babymaking. MAYBE. At least that way, I'll have someplace to write this stuff, as I can't get nearly as obsessive as I would like to be in my OD - I think it's just TOO public. And despite knowing folx are reading here too - this is MUCH more intimate, and much more - earthy, basically.

Godly Thoughts

It's interesting - I've been thinking about how to explain - faith and God and religion - to future kidlings - and realized that - I don't believe in the 'classic' concept of God.  But then, for some reason, the thought 'God helps those who help themselves' drifted into my mind today. Along with - Thou art God - which I always vibed with, but never fully grokked. *smiles* But - analyzing those two things  - led me to -  in order to get anything done - you have to help yourself. 

Am I God? No - but - I reflect my God - my - vision of God.  

If I believe that I have a just, fair, loving God - then my every act should be just, fair and loving.  I AM God in that I represent God in the only way that humans can really connect to God - in their minds & spirits.  I am not God in the form that I have powers to control all - but then, I don't really believe that my God(s) control all.  I believe that - they are (usually) a shining example of how to be the best human possible - and in that way - I can become godlike. 

More mulling over this is required..... I'm just randomly gushing things onto the page.

Random Curiousity: Aztec/Mayan Recons??

Doing some 'purely out of curiousity' reading about the Mayan Calendar - and the thought struck me - is there anyone still praticing the Mayan Religion?? I'm not sure if they could really be considered 'recons', because there may still be people practicing in the old ways - has anyone ever stumbled across any Mayan 'pagans' of any sort?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

*swirls*

I have to learn to accept the fact that life - just (but not merely) the day to day move and flow and swing of things - that is beauty and life and joy and only the open mind can really - embrace that. 
Bleh, I'm rambling, and I plan on the ramble stumbling into realms of faith, which is why I'm writing here, but - I feel so, so - conflicted, a lot of the times. 

It's not that I hate my job  - because I don't. There are some days where it's the most - exciting and challenging thing I do all day. But, it's the days where I feel utterly worthless, like I'm a warm ass in a cold seat, that challenge me the most.  And I find that the more I read into spirituality, the more I study, the more I stumble across gems of selfawareness, the lower my tolerance is for - lacking purpose. It's not that I NEED to be moving all the time, it's just that I want the moments of stillness to still have a reason, a purpose, a goal.  
Maybe it's just that I don't see that much value in insuring that the stock value goes up, or that the supply chain stays tight, or - whatever new technology we are implenting works perfectly. 
But that's not ME - I'm a person who is usually very focused on my work, and very - concerned with making sure that MY work is the best that I can possibly make it - but I still suffer from a disconnected feeling of - emptiness - when I sit here at this desk and stare at my computer screen. 
Then - I stumble across something that both exhilerates me (by allowing me to feel like what I am feeling IS - not normal, but at least expected) and at the same time depresses me by reminding me of how much longer (2 years) I NEED to be here in order to pave the proper pathway to my life. For example, today on one of my newsgroups I stumbled across this gem: 

It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.  ~ J. Krishnamurti

and I just felt SO much better, and so much worse all at once.  Better, because I've always skirted the edges (at least mentally) of american society, and worse because I do live in such a sick society.  then of course, I started tracking down his other works (as I had jackall else to do at work) and found a online version of his book "Beyond Violence" - which I promptly printed and plan on reading later. As I was rummaging through the web sources for him, I stumbled across another gem, which (here's the segue) must tie into my study of Ma'at - but I'm not sure how.

Truth is a pathless land and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. Truth, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or to coerce people along any particular path. My only concern is to set humanity absolutely, unconditionally free. Man cannot come to it through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, not through any philosophic knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection.

How true, how terrifying.  Ma'at is (among other things) Truth. 

Ma'at  is a pathless land and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. Ma'at, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or to coerce people along any particular path. My only concern is to set humanity absolutely, unconditionally free. Man cannot come to Ma'at through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, not through any philosophic knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find Ma'at through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection. 

*blinks* *deep breath*  That - resonates within me.  It also resembles part of my path thus far, though, because I tend to stay in my headspace ALLLLL the time, releasing the need for intellectual analysis and introspective dissection will be - challenging - but - worth it. I think. 

*sigh* 

I need to go swimming.

Faith

C. asked me Friday if I prayed - and if I did to pray for one his friends who had almost been killed by her boyfriend the night before. I don't pray - but in that moment I once again felt an aching desire to be ABLE to.

I grew up Muslim - praying every day, 5 times a day. I woke up at dawn every day of my life from 7ish to 16ish to pray the morning prayer. I prayed at mid-morning, lunch, sunset, and once more before I went to bed. My exclamations 'Yah Allah!' were prayers. My words of hope 'Mashallah' were prayers. My words of gratitude 'Al-Hamidiallah' were prayers. I lived in a world where praying was almost as natural and spontaneous as breathing - and often just as subtle. Ten years of praying daily leaves a distinct impression on how you are as a person - and it strikes me as odd that I am now a person who cannot pray.

I stopped praying when I was around 17 - I was fed up with the artificiality of the people and patriarchy of the religion, and I transferred that anger and frustration towards the trappings of Islam. I stopped praying. I stopped fasting. I stopped wearing hijab. I slowly stopped believing at all. As arrogant as it sounds (and is) I didn't feel like a God who could ALLOW horrors to happen on His world deserved my worship. Rather like boycotting an environmentally detrimental company, or a racist artist, I boycotted a distant and ineffectual God to better merge my mind and the spirit I was developing into.

Through the first few years of college - if pressed I would call myself an atheist. As time went on - I would call myself a neopagan. As even more time goes on - and goes on - I call myself a pagan. But I still can't pray. My gods don't much care about the sufferings of humanity - they figure we got ourselves into this mess and our only hope is to pull ourselves back out. They are just as ineffectual on a grand scale as God has shown Himself to be - but they admit to it and never claimed to be anything more. My gods are caprious - sometimes providing help, other times standing totally mute. My gods show themselves to me only in nature - both in its kindness and its rage. My gods don't demand that I worship them - they offer me no comfort, no surety, no guarantees of a perfect life after death. My gods are the Creators - they provide a sense of connection to everything and everyone and they are far far far removed from the daily excitement I call my life. Whether that connection even exists or whether it is a fiction made up by my own mind - I don't know. All I can say for sure is that is what I believe.

To those gods - I cannot pray. It would be a waste of breath - empty air going out into the void that would have as much effect as asking the sun to change it course. Over the last few months though, more and more I've began to wish I COULD pray. I truly wish I could have dropped to my knees and prayed for C.'s friend. I truly wish that I could spend some time before bed praying for the people in Iraq - whether citizens of Iraq or of anywhere else. I wish that I could pray for SOOO much - but I can't. I would be a hugely hypocritical lie - and one that I would make for no reason other than to try to soothe others by telling them - "Yes - I will pray for you" because it wouldn't soothe my heart or soul.

So instead, I hang my head and tell them that I cannot pray for them - my prayers would be like chaff in the wind. I have no belief, no certainty, no faith in the existence of a God that would listen or care.

i pray
with bated breath
the beats of my heart
counting out the rosary
of my penitence
i kneel
before something so great
it is unknowable
and plead
for what i have not yet earned
i supplicate
the deaf God
of my world
i show
the blind ruler
of this universe
my pains
i entreat
the heartless creator
to free me from its creation
and receive nothing
but
less hope
less trust
less faith
in the god of
my doubting heart.

Heavenly

On the rare occasions that someone presses me about what religion I am (and especially if they happen to be Christians hellbent on conversion) I tell them I am a lapsed pagan. It's truly (and sadly) about the closest 'label' I can stick on my beliefs.

From 5 until 13, every choice that was made for me was made in the name of Islam. Everytime we moved from one city to another, it was because the Muslim community wasn't 'good' or 'pure' enough, or they didn't follow the Hadi'th¹ closely enough. All that I picked up from Islam (as it was practiced in our community in the mid80's until the early 90's) was unequal limitations.
There was simply so much that I COULD not do, and so much that I was not allowed to do, and for reasons that even to my young mind made little to no sense - but it was Sha'ria². Or it was from a Hadi'th. Or the Imam ³ went and studied in Saudi and he said so and so it is so.
It's hard to sit here and try to summarize the endless little bits on anger and bitterness that I went through and still carry with me because of Islam. It's even harder to do so because I actually still believe that the 'pure' religion of Islam isn't really all that bad. In the world of the Sunni⁴ Muslims that I grew up with however, it was painful.

One shining example of how the communities I lived in twisted the religion about was the fact that all women over 15 HAD to wear purdah. Period. There were no exceptions. According to Islam - it is to always be the womens choice AND the men have as much responsibility to avoid the 'temptation' of women as the women did to make sure they weren't tempting.
Or the fact that all the boys were encouraged to learn as much as they could about anything, while the girls were to mainly study the Had'iths and the Quran. Who needs higher learning when you aren't supposed to leave the house unaccompanied?
The fact that I was smarter than all of the boys made the 'encouraged' ignorance even more painful.

The pain turned into anger, the anger turned into rejection, and finally at around 16 or so - I told my mother that I could no longer consider myself Muslim. I stopped praying, stopped reading the Quran, stopped believing and the only thing I regret - I stopped learning how to speak and read Arabic. She sweet talked me into keeping up the appearence of it (we aren't going to get into my mother right now....) until I graduated high school.
Th day after graduation, I took off the headpiece, and never looked back.
At that point in time, I would have classified myself as an atheist. I didn't believe in 'God', and I sure as hell didn't believe that He was looking out for me at all.
I went to a small, private, all girls school, whose motto was "Our Whole School for Christ". Um Yeah. Thankfully, the school itself was a lot more laidback than the motto would have you believe. However, my roomate for 3 out of the 4 years I lived on campus was a bible-beating, sprit-catching, Holy Roller. She would occasionally talk me into going to church with her, and everytime I went a feeling of utter revulsion would it in my stomach and stay there until the service was over. The only thing that I enjoyed was the singing...it made me feel something deep and wonderful and powerful that the preacher simply could NOT touch. I knew that Christianity held no attractions for me - even now I HATE going to church.
I can't quite remember what first turned me towards paganism. At some point while I was still in school (most likely shortly after I began exploring my sexuality) I began to feel - disconnected. I felt the need to be connected to others in a spiritual manner - but none of the paths that I 'knew' were spiritually healthy for me.
So. It seems like I have always known about Magic(k), witchcraft, and the like from my escapist readings all during my so-called childhood - but never really realized that for some people Paganism is their main spiritual base. I began reading everything I could find out about and realized that this is how I best connect. An appreciation and reverence for nature. A belief in paranormal abilities. A highly customizable 'framework' of 'worship'.
I have to admit - I want to believe that there is some form of intelligence out there that created everything. But I cannot believe that there is a form of intelligence out there that has any control whatsoever over what we as humans do in our day to day lives. I believe that there is nothing but humanity there to save, support, and provide for humanity.

But when I walk under a full moon, I can't but help smile at Lady Luna and send a few small thoughts her way. And I can't but help feel stronger and more peaceful and better after a cleansing ritual. But at the same time - I know that it's my own belief and my own impowerment that makes me feel better. :) It's an odd combination, the balance of belief and disbelief that float about in my head.

---

1: Stories and Parables by the Prophet Muhammad and his disciples that Muslims are supposed to follow.
2: Law determined my Muslim Scholars.
3: Muslim Pastor/PReacher/Head Honcho
4: Sunni - type of Muslim. Sunni is what most Saudi's are, what most Iraqi's are not, and what Malcom X converted to after he left the Nation of Islam.

Passion

I've met people that are radical - rabidly, fanatically so - about many things. So many things in fact, that I start to wonder when they have time to breathe - to be calm - to not be so very angry at the world for not understanding the righteousness of their positions.
For the longest time, I believed that I was not passionate. I believed that the fires that burned in others that made them so passionate and radical was simply not in me - and there was nothing I could do to change that.
Today - interestingly enough - I realized that there are some things I feel strongly about. I can't truly call it passion (at least not my idea of passion) because I'm not willing to fight, scream and attempt to wear people down over it. Nor do I feel the need to immerese myself in it constantly - and sometimes I don't feel like thinking about the things I'm passionate about at all.
But - there are some beliefs that I cling to radically - that when I see people verring away from those beliefs I cringe. I might not say anything, (does that make me weak?) espeicailly if I never plan on seeing them again. Most people who don't know me well most likely don't even know that I HOLD these beliefs. But some things just make me CRINGE. THe latest is watching overweight people who are complaingin about their weight eat pasta, potatoes or bread. I can't help it - I just cringe.
But I am fixed, passionate and set in these beliefs. If someone doesn't agree with them (at least most of them - or if there is disagreement at least OPEN-MINDED disagreement) it's going to be very hard for us to be friends - espeicially if you don't have A LOT else (friendwise) going for you.
I know that's always been my main problem in finding female friends from my own culture. Interestingly enough many of my 'passions' are things that my culture considers almost utterly unacceptable or simply totally opposite.

I want to write down what I am radical about - because since I first started thinking about it I have added so very many things on to the list.

I am radical about a woman's right to choose.
I am radical about equal rights for homosexuals.
I am radical about natural childbearing and rearing.
I am radical about equalaity between the sexes.
I am radical about taking responsibiliy for your actions.
I am radical about the inherent inequality and uselessness of the Big Three Religions.


I'm passionate about these beliefs. I most likely won't get into a yelling match over them - but I will support (through money or time) people and organizastions fighting for those beliefs. I might not start a petition - but I sign it and find everyone one I can to sign it as well.

Perhaps I'm so silent because to me - my beliefs are SO personal. Each one is formed by my life experiences and encounters, and I'm not perfect (or all seeing enough) to assume that what I believe is what everyone else should believe.
I think that the world would be a MUCH better place is everyone thought as I did, but then it would also be amazing dull without the spice that conflict and differences provide.

I'm actually rather amazed at this insight into MYSLEF. How often can you still suprise yourself at 26 years old? As I think about my closest friends - I realize that I only know what one of my several male friends feels about abortion for example - but also none of them dumped me as a a friend after I had one, so their beliefs can't be too radical in the anti-direction. My only real female friend is not religious, deeply into natural healing, a firm believer in personal responsibility, and is more fantic than I am about equal rights.
On the other hand - friends that I've had and simply slowly let go of - they were all feverent church-goers. They felt that an epidural and a bottle of formula is most of what they needed to get through the the transition between pregnant lady and mother. They've been subtly or obviously homophobic. No WONDER we didn't stay friends and no matter how much I try to talk myself into sending them a quick email so we can hook up to go out it somehow manages to slip my mind.
I can't be myself around them. I stopped enjoying the feeling of faking being me somewhere back in high school. Around my coworkers it's slightly easier - those sort of conversations don't come up often in workplace type conversations. Though, I have caught myself carefully editing my words over some lunch conversations lately.
I'm not the kind of woman who LIKES having a lot of distant friends - I'm the type who likes having a few VERY close friends. And with my close friends - honesty and TOTAL openness is a must. I'm not going to want to hold me tongue when she starts to talk about how wonderful her pastor is and how much he prays for the people in the church and how I should come by next Sunday. I'm not going to hold my tongue when he starts spewing about 'this fucking faggot' at work. I'm certainly not going to be able to bite my tongue when she talks about how she just wants them to dope her up so she can't feel a THING and wants the shot ASAP to dry up her breastmilk so it won't make her boobs droopy. AHHH!!!

So. With this is mind, maybe I can go into making friends with a little more success. I had a set of criteria I wanted to stick close to when I was dating, why shouldn't I have a list of criteria for making friends?

Hm. Such insights into me nd my silent passion.

Suddenly sensible

My problem, you must understand, is that what I want and what I can have diverge from each other at the very moment that the idea of wanting enters my head. But, since I have no will power – what I want tends to win over the reality of what I can have. Once I’m sated – my wants fulfilled – I frown upon the state that I have willingly launched myself into.

So – once again I’m utterly broke. Went out to dinner last night at one of the places we are thinking about having cater the wedding – the food was good but ended up being just a wee bit more pricey than I had expected. *sighs* And I really need a new tire. *sighs*

Well…last night was actually quite wonderful. We left and went to go and look at the site that I found that might be nice for the wedding. The road to it was locked, so we couldn’t get close enough to it to really see it – however we were able to get to see the second choice – and I must say that place was QUITE nice. As me and Corey said back and forth to each other most of the way to dinner – ‘ If that was the SECOND choice – what’s the FIRST choice look like???’ In other words – we’re excited.

In general – I don’t know. Maybe I’ve just been super moody lately – it seems like I can’t quite put things in perspective. I’m either in a state of naïve bliss – like I am today – or in a state of pessimistic hopelessness – like I’ve been last week. The bliss bits are nice – fun – hopeful I guess. I’m just plain NOT worried about anything – why bother? But at the same time, I’m a hopeless planner.

I’ve been kicking around the thought of writing on this weeks topic – but the way I want to state my phobias hasn’t quite solidified yet. I’ve got lots of stuff that I am scared of – some of it even creeps in my dreams with me – but most of my phobias come in a very human shape. So – I’m working on expressing them right.

Hmm – I wrote not too long ago about how depressed reading/watching the news makes me…and ever since then I have been more interested in ferreting out News – real stuff that really matters that I would have to scour the pages of the Star to find – and still I would only grab a few brief lines. So…I’ve started reading other magazines – other web sites – and while it is STILL depressing – and even rather scary – it’s comforting in an odd way. It’s still mostly about scandal and death and bribery and lies on a global scale – but at least I’m not the only one wondering about certain oddities – at least I can feel rather assured that I’m not crazy – or if I am I’m not the only crazy one by far. Besides – I feel more intelligent having at least a minor grasp on world issues. Less like the average person who doesn’t know, and doesn’t care that they don’t know. My hands are still very small, and the problems are still very large – but at least I know that it’s not just my hands and head looking at these problems.

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with one of my friends about atheism, and religion in general.
I wonder if most of my beliefs are like that – I tend to hold them quite firmly, but never express them in concrete terms for myself. However, if someone asks me about them, or if I get in a conversation about them, I can almost immediately express them in a clear and concise manner that explains almost perfectly how I feel – and it tends to surprise me. I guess subconsciously I know exactly what I believe and how I feel about certain things (and most certainly NOT everything) - but because it’s my belief I don’t feel the need to defend or intensely analyze it within myself. I tend to reject almost anything that doesn’t ‘vibe’ with me – sometimes fully aware that I am allowing my own prejudices to kick something out of my life, and sometimes not until much later do I realize how much I have turned away from an idea or concept or person…just because it doesn’t resonate with me.

hmm… I think I’m done for a minute or two.

Jasmyn

Living the Non-Religious Life

I’m so tired of my life. *sighs* That sentence seems a little over board… but…that is just how I feel. I feel like I am standing still…and I am so fucking tired of bitching about it.
I’m tired of not doing IT. I’m tired of not even knowing what IT is. *sighs* And there is the fact that I… I don’t know what I want. *sighs* A little emotional am I.
Umm…URGH! It’s really aggravating to lead a solitary life. This space here is totally NOT a appropriate substitute for talking to a human one on one… even though you folx here are totally wonderful…sometimes I need the bouncing back & forth interaction that can only be gained through interaction.

Okay…onto a totally different topic…
I read a book this weekend called Little X about a African-American woman’s experience of growing up under first the Nation of Islam, and then under Orthodox Islam. So much of what she said resonated with me that it was scary…at least during the period of her life while she was an Orthodox Muslim. One of the things that mostly resonated was how growing up as Muslim warped the second generation…as in the kids of the adults who had embraced the religion. The girls/women grew up mostly swearing to never end up as their mothers did, depending on a man for the money and life, while stuck in the home producing babies and cleaning up after them. Also this weekend I had a series of conversations with friends about the whole Jesse Jackson thing, and the combinations of these two conversations led me to realize just why I am not the member of any religion.

As I grew up, I saw the most… amazing feats of hypocrisy and out-and-out warping of the rules that were to guide all of us. *sighs* Those who were in positions of power…or those who were simply male, had it so so much better than the rest of us. Growing up as a girl who wanted more than to be a mother and a wife was a scary proposition. *sighs* I am not expressing this half as well as I feel it and I hate that. When I think back to the Muslim woman who was held up to the rest of us in the community as the example for the rest of us to follow was a woman who had 8 children, was the wife of the Imam (the religious leader) and whose entire life revolved around her children and her husband.

Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that they were on welfare because he felt that it was more important for him to be a good leader to the whole community (and more impressive besides) than it was for him to have a ‘real’ job and take proper care of his family. *sighs* I wonder what her daughters are doing now...whether they managed to live in that life, or if they managed to break free…or if they ever even realized that there was something to break free from. I know consciously that it isn’t really right nor fair of me to judge an entire religion by the twisted actions of a few, but as that is what I grew up with, that is what I have come to expect. And honestly, nothing that I have seen has led me to a different view of Islam in general. For a woman who wants more than to be a wife & a mother (not that there is anything wrong if that IS what you want) it sucks to be a Muslima. Period.

And I am not a Christian because I grew up as a Muslim, and I just have *thinks* too much knowledge of other paths and other ways to be even remotely saved, and going to church tends to creep me out on a very visceral level. I greatly enjoy the music…but that is it. *sighs* I haven’t figured out what it is…but there is just something about churches that rub me the wrong way…almost like hospitals. I just don’t like them.
*sighs* Anyway. I should be getting ready to go to sleep… but I simply don’t feel like it. *sighs* I know that I am…but…sometimes what happens in life…hell most times what happens in life is no where near as fulfilling as what you WANT to happen in life might be. And then… what if what I want to happen in my life is just as unfulfilling as what is (or is not) happening now? It’s too damn late/early to be philosophical…

Stay Jazzed.

Prayer

I pray
with bated breath
the beats of my heart
counting out the rosary
of my penitence
I kneel
before something so great
it is unknowable
and plead
for what I have not yet
earned
I supplicate
the deaf god
of my world
I show
the blind ruler
of this universe
my pains
I entreat
the heartless creator
to free me
from its creation
and receive nothing
but
less hope
less faith
less trust
in the god of
my doubting heart


People casually say: “pray for me” or “I will pray for you”. I wished that I could utter those words, and feel the security and peace in the utterance that it will make a difference, that something will actually be changed by just the concerted thoughts of people on the problem. Belief in prayer however, implies belief in a god that listens, in a creator that acknowledges me and my petty pains and minor issues, and pessimistic as it may be, I think that if there were a god like that, we would have had another flood, another rain of fire and brimstone, another huge natural disaster that would shake human kind out of their sheep like idiocy and stoic cruelty to each other.

*shrugs* Maybe it’s a really narrow view of humans, but as a whole, we are a really twisted species. *sighs* And anything that allows us to keep on doing what we are doing to each other and the world we live on, doesn’t seem like something I would want to put my faith and trust in.

Stay Jazzed.

Thou Art...(Theme Entry)

*claps* oh my…maybe the OD Staff will be able to keep up the every Friday thing for a while… I like this theme, so I will run with it.

What is my strongest belief?
Hmm… interesting. I am guessing that most people will talk about god, because when someone asks what you believe in, that can often be the first response. Automatically and swiftly, they will respond with a semi-sermon about the strength of their belief in god. Hm. I am gonna go there, because I don’t really believe in god, and that LACK of belief leads to my strongest belief.

I don’t believe in a god who looks down upon his creations and moves them about like chess pieces. I don’t believe in a god who hears & answers the multitude of simplistic and selfish prayers of her creations. I don’t believe in a god that is separate from who I am. I believe in myself. I believe that I can do anything that I put my mind to (within reason) as long as I trust myself. I believe that my creator made me strong enough to deal with and live through anything that I encounter, and only if I have tried my damnedest and done my best will my ‘god’ even consider helping out. I believe in a god that believes in me, and insists that I grow into the fullness of who I am, without leaning on those everlasting arms.

Why do I believe in such a ‘hands-off’ god? Maybe it’s because I haven’t had enough ‘miracles’ in my life. Everything that I have gotten, I have worked for & towards, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I have never been one to sit on my rear and bitch (or pray) when I couldn’t get my hands on what I wanted. I have tended to be one who has always reached towards what I wanted, and if I ever chose not to reach, I blamed my lack of getting what I wanted on myself, rather than on fate, or the gods, or even my destiny. I considered the role of god while I was going through my pregnancy, and how abortion figured into that role. And that was the only time where I have said, ‘Well, if god doesn’t want me to do this, I won’t be able to’. While I believe in a god that lets me find my own path and create my own preordained life, I believe in a force that will not be stopped, and will not be ignored and whose power cannot be imagined.

Sounds contradictory? It is…and it is not. So perhaps…my strongest belief is in god…and in myself. My strongest belief is in the goddess that is within me. In the portion of that force that will not be stopped and cannot be ignored that exists within me. I believe in the portion of that unimaginable power that the Creator has, that she placed within me at the moment of my birth. And leaning on that belief, I can do anything.

Hm. I know that the idea of my god has been shaped by books, mainly science fiction & fantasy. The image that I have of my god is similar to that of The Star-Eyed One, from Mecerdes Lackey’s OathBound series and others dealing with the Shi’anin and the Hawkbrothers. The Star-Eyed one is a fierce yet loving goddess, who expects her children to do all that they can to make it before they call on her. A quote that I remember reading the solidified this concept of her being ‘my’ kind of goddess is this:

“Once a hunter called upon the Star-Eyed one, asking for her help because he had lost his skill in hunting, having relied upon his luck rather than on his skill for too long. She looked at him and said ‘You are still alive, aren’t you?’, meaning that he had not yet done enough to warrant her help.”

It sounds cold, and perhaps not as loving a goddess as most people would imagine, but I have to respect a goddess who depends all from her children, and when they have given that, she in turns gives her all.
Hm. I guess I am a pagan after all. *laughs*

Stay Jazzed.

Ecstasy

Okay…. now I see why so many people were tripping over Dirty Dancing when it first came out. It is a bit of a hot-ass movie. Hmm… I want to go out and dance now.
Have I ever talked about the fact that I understand fully why most churches consider dancing and music to be sinful? The times I feel like I am floating out of my body in the most amazing and spiritual of ways have had to occur when I was dancing to house music. When I am hot and dancing to a beat that turns into my heart and nothing else exists but the beat and the movement of my body.. *sighs* I can totally understand it.

Ecstasy.

Hmm… I guess you have to learn that kind of dancing (what’s on DD). That is one of the few physical activities that I am totally comfortable in doing. Give me music, and I just let myself go. Now I’m not saying that I have the best form, or I can pick up the steps as fast as everybody else, but I am comfortable. When it comes to dancing I really don’t care how contorted I might look, or how off center I might seem to be, but it feels GOOD. I think that dancing is the best exercise ever. When I am dancing, sweat doesn’t matter, aches don’t matter, my feet hurting don’t matter, nothing matters but the beat and my body motion.

*shimmy shimmy shake shakes*

Stay Jazzed.

so on and so forth

Lately, the subject of truth has been coming up a lot around me. Telling the truth, being truthful, defining truth, living a truthful life. Sometimes it’s harder than it seems, simply because you have to define what is true for yourself, and then defend that definition. And then there is the pain of revealing to yourself the lies that you live on a daily basis, the lies the shield & shelter you, those are the hardest to shed.

Living a truthful life means that I have to be much more aware of what I do and what I say every moment of the day. I have to remember that the truth is always easier to deal with, even if it hurts. I have to be conscious of the little ‘white’ lies that I tell to soothe others, and I have to calculate if it’s really worth it. I have to be aware of the jokes I make and the stories I tell, of the comments I casually toss about. But it brings me peace. I don’t think at the end of the day about what I should have changed, what I should have done differently.

Mercy. That sounds so stuffy & presumptuous. *sighs* I suppose it’s like some peoples religions, it gives them a foundation to always fall back on.
Enough babbling. I’m going to bed.

Song of the Night: ‘Saving Grace’

Stay Jazzed.

Guidelines

life flashes by
the scents and sounds of memory
shimmer like a desert oasis

I look back over the year and a half I have been in the OD, and I stand in awe. I mean WOW. I have come so far, and the road stretches out endlessly ahead of me. I have felt pain, love, joy. I had gained friends and lovers, and lost friends and lovers. I have overcome myself and built myself up in the process. I have done a HELL of a lot… more than I ever thought I would be able to do…. somethings never change. I’m still broke. I’m still overweight…I’m still sexually confused..I’m still too damn shy. But at least now I am aware of these things…and I can make plans to change them.

I will not become a weeper… who sees her faults and does nothing to changes them
I will not become a moaner…who complains over the things that are out of her hands
I will not become a lost child … who wanders without thought or hope
I will become an instrument of change…within my own life
I will become a harbinger of hope…to my heart
I will become a keeper of silences…to keep me whole

I am ready to step out there on faith… and go forth in pride.

*smiles * I love the fact that over the weekend, while I was in clubs I heard my two favorite house songs.. Pride ( A Deeper Love) and Follow Me…. : ) Theme songs for the year mebbe??

Stay Jazzed.

Tell me Why....

Why don’t I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me? I feel like I have forgotten something that will make this end of things be complete… like there is a hole in what should be the perfect ending that I can’t quite see to patch. I don’t know… maybe I expected to feel so much better about having finished all of my finals with no obvious cases of falling flat on my face. Perhaps I expected to much of a WHOOSH of relief as I turned in that last test… *sighs* All I know right now is that I am not as tired as I should be, and I don’t feel like anything has changed. ah well… maybe after I get more rest and relaxation I will feel more of a sense of completion. Or maybe after I get my grades… and I KNOW that I have completed. Umph…. hell week… all I am waiting for now is the probate show.

What is faith? What do people mean when they say put their/your trust in God to make a way? I could never understanding the blind patience to wait for something/someone to make a change in your life that you have not initiated. I suppose it is mainly because my god is not an active god…my god is not directly and daily involved in my life. MY god is a construct, a idea that allows me to see the wholeness in my world, and to be aware that everything is somehow connected through something that is at the same time both greater than and part of us.

My god has never been one that steps in when I fuck up and make it all right…my god has never been one that changes what I know is coming to make it into what I want to come…my god is never there holding my hand…because my god knows that I have the strength and the grace and the intelligence to walk this path on my own two feet... because that is how my god made me. So the idea of someone waiting patiently for their god to lead them towards what they have not themselves made an effort to grasp is…boggling. It is a cop-out…a refusal of their own god-given strength and intelligence… if god planned on doing everything for us…why bother giving us minds to think and hands to act? If god did everything…or anything for us directly… why are people still maimed in the soul… with their killers of the spirit walking about scot-free? If god does for anyone… how can god not do for all of god’s children??
I suppose that it is this view of god that makes me leery of organized religions.

I cannot understand the thought of bowing to/appeasing something that has… over the years shown absolutely no interest in anything… that I have to say. And if god is so mighty and so powerful…how can god at the same time be so petty as to get pleasure from the obeisance’s of god’s own minor creations? And these creations think that god will only hear their words...but overlook how they treat the REST of god’s creatures? my momma always told me that actions speak louder than words. And the random acts of blindness that are apparent is organized religion… the assumptions that all others are going straight to hell… umph… if god made you… god made you in the image god wanted you to be in… and the form god wanted you to be in …and with the heart god wanted you to have. yeah.. I believe that god made twisted people… and I believe that people are almost always in control of their actions… and blaming what you have done on god is the worst kind of cop-out there is.

I have never really examined my thoughts on god & religion so deeply… I just always knew that they were not for me… it makes so much sense… when you can’t actually honor & congratulate the maker… to instead respect and honor the maker’s creations. And I do believe that everything that exists is a creations of gods… me… these damn neighbors of mine… the spiders that wander through my house…the fools who are blind to what needs to be done to at least start making earth a safer & better place for own children. I believe in the Big Bang…and in god said “ let there be light”…. I believe in Darwinism…and the creation of the original people… I believe in the Garden of Eden…and in the fact that the first humans lived in Africa….I believe in god… who makes all things possible… because god has made all things…and I see no contradiction in that.

Stay Jazzed.

HeartBreak...completed

I was hoping that he would have something to say. Anything. I have never been one to castaway true friendships, even under circumstances that most folx would consider pure folly. Yet here I was, casting off one of the few friendships I had built since graduating from high school, and I hoped that he would have something to say. Some words of defense or excuse, ANYTHING that would give me a feeble thread to pull on. I wanted him to even claim that I had misunderstood what he had implied through his words & his actions over the past five years, that he had never intended to give me the wrong impression. I wanted him to tell me that I was wrong in thinking that he would stand by me & with me in all things. But he said nothing, and that in itself says so much. So, I guess my understanding was correct. Which means that he consiously & knowingly created a trust of words and actions that, at the point which that trust was being tested by something more major than picking me up some chips from the store...when it was tested by something important and vital... the trust broke & crumbled like it was never there. Talk about a fair weather friend. I always give folx a second chance, but maybe I should stop. Especially when then first chance gets shattered so rudely.
It's not as if I am any more hurt, because in my heart of hearts, I really didn't expect a miracle of maturity to occur. Hope, however, springs enternal.

Stay Jazzed.

Tears of Joy in Egypt

There are toxins in tears
the ones we release with our fears
and our hated unharmonious thoughts
there are toxins in tears
that we’ve shed over the years
and almost totally forgot
there are toxins in tears
poison for those dear
who have turned away
there are toxins in tears
best to shed than to hold near
and go on and cry another day

Weekend highlights (if it’s a low point is it still a highlight?)
okay.. this weekend…hmm. Shall I go with the interpersonal or the superficial?? I think inter… but then again I AM a sucker for punishment. Talked to JJ about MJW. *sighs* they both want to come down for Black Pride on Labor Day weekend...but JJ says that he will be very uncomfy if MJW comes down. *sighs* I don’t know what to do. Actually he said that he might act stank….*sighs* and I so don’t need any drama in my life. But.. I can’t see myself saying.. no MJW don’t come. *rolls eyes* yeah right...as if THAT would ever happen. I don’t know…I will figure SOMETHING out…
CAK is having… *sighs* problems. I don’t know.. I worry about him so much sometimes.. and I have to remind myself that I am not his saviour. I can’t be... I don’t have the strength or the understanding to do so. I can only…suggest ways for him to follow...point out things that may either aid or dissuade his healing. And if he chooses to do otherwise…*shakes head* I have to resist my stubborn pride and support him there too. *grrrrrr* I swear…this is as much of a learning/growing process for me as it is for him.
hmm… what else happened this weekend? Nothing really of earth shaking importance…*laughs* I got a buzz off of some Bailey’s Irish Cream Ice cream (the cone REALLY wasn’t tha big…) I saw The Wood and American Pie…. (both Excellent movies…and ladies and my gay/bi brothers ...the Water Hose scene in The Wood was JUST for us!!!) I read a lot of books about Egyptian Mythology….*sighs & smiles*

It is odd…how… *frowns* blind I can be sometimes. I have been interested in Wicca for a wile now.. tying to decide how I wanted to approach it. The belief system itself interests me (very very independent & femme focused), I have always had a love for ritual and spells…ad I try to make visualization & meditation a way of life. But somehow…I could never get past the Celtic/Old Britian roots of it. I simply couldn’t turn my back on my heritage like that. So then.. I checked into the Yoruba/Voudun/Santeria faiths… and still none of them really.. I don’t know…they didn’t spark that HEY this is what I have been looking for thing…they ranged too far from the things that had attracted me to Wicca in the first place. And then… I was reading Drawing Down the Moon again.. and something in there caught my eye and mind… a comment about those who worshipped the Egyptian god/esses. And I was off! *laughs* I am disgustingly logical about almost everything tat I do.. and while I want to find out more about Tameran (basically Egyptian Wicca.. yeah yeah I know….) I want to work within a mind set that I have...examined and worked on. *smiles* So I read...and I think.. and I write… and I dream…and…*smiles* rediscovering the cat Goddess Bast… I don’t know… It is odd and amazing and empowering and scary all at once.. cuz I have no CLUE what I’m doing...but it all feels SO right…that I’m actually trusting my heart and just working from there…
Goddess… I don’t belive that it is only 2 something.. I was up kinda late with CAK and I am sooooo sleepy. *sighs* Ad next weekend is the Jamaroqui concert. *WHOO HOOO* I’m gonna be tripping and dippin and flippin right on out….The first one I went t was the BOMB. Simply wonderful…*sighs* and the weekend after that I am getting my braids put back in…by hook or by crook…ffffrrrreeeeedddoooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Ummhmmmm. I have been feeling so darn good…after that super super low point I hit.. it is like I feel light and airy and…giggly and shit again. But it hink that just might be the sleepiness talking.. that or the vitamins.
I have issues swallowing pills….major ones. It took me close to a month to get used to taking birth control pills and those suckers are TINY. So of course.. vitamins and the like were out out out…well yesterday.. me & nee were wandering around Lil Five…and went into a health food store…and lo and behold…not only did they have LIQUID multivitamins….the had CHEWABLE iron pills…the price was not even an object. :) I’mma be healthier dammit. Somehow or another…okay.. I’m so sleepy my nose is throbbing…and I’m babbling. Must stop doing that…and instead try to

Stay Jazzed.

Whiiiirrrllllllwind & Ritual

Thoughts that have been floating through my mind for a while…

Sex is a ritual. It can be used to bring you closer to the…One. The Creator... but at the same time, it can pull you further away by blurring what is really going on. It can be used to open the heart…or to blur the *thinks* connection that you have with the heart.
Pain, too…can be a ritual. It can take you to another place... somewhere OUT of your usual consciousness. *frowns* This is hard for me to put into words.. that make sense outside of my own mind. Hm.
what I’m trying to say is that…there are things that PULL you out of yourself. Things that eliminate the boundaries that we place between other people and ourselves. Sex is one…and only of those things. When you are outside of yourself…you… *sighs* can experience so much more. Goddess it is SO hard to put this into words…I feel like I’m trying to say something that can’t really be said.

This is part of the reason why I want to be celibate. I’m trying to find a spiritual pat for myself…that will let me.. connect to other people.. other things outside of myself. For a while, sex WAS my religion…and in the process of conversion.. I have to distance myself from the old religion. That is why I decided to become celibate…freeing my mind/body & heart from one connection to clean it out and be prepared for another…*sighs* what I FEEL is making perfect sense...but like the whirlwind I can’t grasp it long enough to say THIS is so…and write it down…
Argh….these headaches are really starting to suck. And the stomachaches too… I almost don’t want to eat because about two hours later.. no matter what I eat.. I feel icky & queasy and stuff. *sighs* I have been thinking of eating just.. uncooked stuff (veggies and the like) for a while to let my stomach handle whatever issues it may have. Urg. I am sooooo sleepy. Good grief. I’m gone….babbling to myself is not helping me any… I need sleep uh oh ah need sleep oh ah need sleep ….. *walks off singing..*

Stay Jazzed…