Living the Non-Religious Life

I’m so tired of my life. *sighs* That sentence seems a little over board… but…that is just how I feel. I feel like I am standing still…and I am so fucking tired of bitching about it.
I’m tired of not doing IT. I’m tired of not even knowing what IT is. *sighs* And there is the fact that I… I don’t know what I want. *sighs* A little emotional am I.
Umm…URGH! It’s really aggravating to lead a solitary life. This space here is totally NOT a appropriate substitute for talking to a human one on one… even though you folx here are totally wonderful…sometimes I need the bouncing back & forth interaction that can only be gained through interaction.

Okay…onto a totally different topic…
I read a book this weekend called Little X about a African-American woman’s experience of growing up under first the Nation of Islam, and then under Orthodox Islam. So much of what she said resonated with me that it was scary…at least during the period of her life while she was an Orthodox Muslim. One of the things that mostly resonated was how growing up as Muslim warped the second generation…as in the kids of the adults who had embraced the religion. The girls/women grew up mostly swearing to never end up as their mothers did, depending on a man for the money and life, while stuck in the home producing babies and cleaning up after them. Also this weekend I had a series of conversations with friends about the whole Jesse Jackson thing, and the combinations of these two conversations led me to realize just why I am not the member of any religion.

As I grew up, I saw the most… amazing feats of hypocrisy and out-and-out warping of the rules that were to guide all of us. *sighs* Those who were in positions of power…or those who were simply male, had it so so much better than the rest of us. Growing up as a girl who wanted more than to be a mother and a wife was a scary proposition. *sighs* I am not expressing this half as well as I feel it and I hate that. When I think back to the Muslim woman who was held up to the rest of us in the community as the example for the rest of us to follow was a woman who had 8 children, was the wife of the Imam (the religious leader) and whose entire life revolved around her children and her husband.

Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that they were on welfare because he felt that it was more important for him to be a good leader to the whole community (and more impressive besides) than it was for him to have a ‘real’ job and take proper care of his family. *sighs* I wonder what her daughters are doing now...whether they managed to live in that life, or if they managed to break free…or if they ever even realized that there was something to break free from. I know consciously that it isn’t really right nor fair of me to judge an entire religion by the twisted actions of a few, but as that is what I grew up with, that is what I have come to expect. And honestly, nothing that I have seen has led me to a different view of Islam in general. For a woman who wants more than to be a wife & a mother (not that there is anything wrong if that IS what you want) it sucks to be a Muslima. Period.

And I am not a Christian because I grew up as a Muslim, and I just have *thinks* too much knowledge of other paths and other ways to be even remotely saved, and going to church tends to creep me out on a very visceral level. I greatly enjoy the music…but that is it. *sighs* I haven’t figured out what it is…but there is just something about churches that rub me the wrong way…almost like hospitals. I just don’t like them.
*sighs* Anyway. I should be getting ready to go to sleep… but I simply don’t feel like it. *sighs* I know that I am…but…sometimes what happens in life…hell most times what happens in life is no where near as fulfilling as what you WANT to happen in life might be. And then… what if what I want to happen in my life is just as unfulfilling as what is (or is not) happening now? It’s too damn late/early to be philosophical…

Stay Jazzed.