ho-hum.

*twitches* Okay.. I thought I was hooked on OD. I have realized that I am much much much more hooked on hotmail. For some reason, I can’t get to hotmail, and I can’t get to MSN and I am about to go utterly crazy. I don’t know if the system crashed, or is Microsoft is having issues or what…but if I can’t read my email soon I may go stark raving mad. Seriously. I can’t even get to anything related to hotmail. Maybe the sysAdmin blocked it… but WHHYYYY!!!!!!????????????!?????????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Okay… I went to lunch. I cam back. No dice. *sighs* And… I have a hole in my stocking. *sighs*

Welll…. I really have nothing to write about, but I want to try and look busy so I will sit here and type for a while. I am almost able to type without looking at the keyboard, but it is still really a touch and go kinda of thing. And as I can’t spell…I could chalk up most of my mistakes to that. Hmm.. I wonder if people could spell better (generally) before the age of computers. I mean when you are working on a typewriter, it is a bit harder to correct your mistakes. *sighs* Anyhow…

I don’t know if I have said this at all...but I do love Chef. I think it has been coming through in my writings, and that it is clear in a really hazy way (figure that one out two years from now) but I do love him. It’s interesting, that as I look over my past relationships, I have ALWAYS been the one to break things off. I don’t know why I am bringing this up now.. but that is just the way it was. Hm. Random blabber.

Still no hotmail. I’m about to call microsoft.

*sighs* I snatched a creativity survey from somebody earlier today, but I really didn’t feel lie doing it. In fact, what I feel like doing is curling up with Chef and drifting half off to sleep. *sighs* He is SUCH a cuddle monster.

I lied earlier when I said I write only for me… I have some writings that I did while I was in Philly that I still have not posted…and I’m not sure why. Sometimes I feel like writing thins in here make them closer to real, make them something that has to be studied and examined and truly thought over instead of merely dismissed as a random flicker of thought. Yeah, some of it I wrote while I was sick and I am sure that my brain wasn’t all there… but still. *sighs* I know some of what I wrote is very very real in my life, and is something I need to address and look into and think about…but I’m still too much of a punk to do it.

*deep breath* Okay… the doctor just called me back. He said that my PAP smear came back abnormal…*sighs* Okay…. That I am not freaking about. Not in the least. Really. I’m debating if I should hop onto the internet and see what the hell that could possibly mean…but then I would really scare myself…so I am just going to write about things less nerve-racking. *sighs* Damn… and I have to wait until Feb. 12th to get re-checked out. No worries. None. I’m off to Yahoo! Health. Umph. That helped NONE.

Okay…back to the previous topic. One of the things I wrote about was not having friends here. *thinks* I don’t think I have talked/bitched much about this topic, so I am allowed to keep on it. ( I hate it when people complain and then do nothing to change whatever they are complaining about, so I have decided to limit the amount of bitching I can do about anything if I haven’t taken steps to change it.) It’s weird, I honestly don’t know HOW to make friends in real life. Most of the friends I have made in the last 6 years have been over the net, and the friends I made before that in person were due to Upward Bound. And so I’m here, in a new town, and I feel…so lost. I want to meet new & cool & interesting people, but I have no clue how to go about doing it without making myself look like an utter ass. And then, add to that the fact that really.. I am a little shy in real life.. it makes it…harder for me to really go out and meet people. I feel like if I had just ONE person that I could go out with and use as a bit of moral support…it would be cool.
I’m actually going to lunch with a cool woman that I met last year at a luncheon. She works here too, and I think she is about 23 or 24… in other words a raw newbie like me. Maybe we can do something…but then I don’t know how to pull off the ‘follow-through’. What is too much contact? What is too little? How do you keep in touch with people without them feeling like you are trying to analyze their entire life, or like you don’t give a damn about them and only call when you need something? I need to learn basic out-going social skills… and I am not sure how to. And then there seems to be so few people to practice on…that screwing up is really not an option. *sighs* I’m depressing myself… off to read diaries and continue pretending to work…

Stay Jazzed.

Still no hotmail. Help!