Liberating

Once again may I present the FABULOUS Aaron McGruder!!

---

So. I feel much better today. I've definitely decided that I want to ask him to consider transfering his job and moving back here once his lease is up. I've got a reputation of so not being much of an emotional person - logic is my watchword - but I'm about to go ALL kinds of girly-girl on him.

I've started reading The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and it's rather intriguing. Right now, I'm working on the first habit, and - I don't know. It seems to be going well, but I'm not sure. It's funny - I think that on my own I've actually been working TOWARDS some of those very habits, but not realized what I was doing or where I was going - I was just doing something right. So - I'm creeping through that book slowly.

I've also come to a conclusion about the money issues. I realized that really - I DO have a budget. I save some, I pay all my bills on time, and then I live off of what is left. That's fine - that's good. My 'problem' is my spending habits! I need to work on what I CHOOSE to spend the money that is left on, and I have to start making better choices about what I buy and from where and when. So - a few things that I'm going to pare away at -
1) I'm going to have to stop going to the bookstore every couple of days. There is a wonderful library downtown that has all the books I could ever want - and they are FREE - and I can renew online endlessly until there is a hold placed on one of the books - and even then, I only have to take THAT book back. It's a total win-win. I don't have to cut back on my voracious reading, but I CAN cut back on my spending. Also - I figure I can read a book, and if I like it - make plans to buy it at a later date. All the satisfaction for none of the price.
2) We've GOT to cut out eating out every night of the weekends we are together. Usually, we can easily spend 100.00 for dinner for both of us, and though we do usually switch off so that I pay for one night and he pays for the other - that's STILL close to 300.00 bucks a month - at the MINIMUM. Yipes. This is one area that I'm going to have to consult with Corey in, because I know that he LOVES to go out to eat, and I don't want him to feel like I'm asking him to pay for dinner out all the time.
3) I'm going to start bringing in my breakfast and lunch to work. I can easily spend 10.00 a day on food, and not be fully satisfied because the quality of the food at our cafe isn't all that great. I LOVE to cook anyway - and I have an extensive collection of rubbermaid and gladware and hot/cold bags. That nicely segues into the next item..
4) I've got start shopping at Costco. On this eating plan, I eat A LOT of meat and veggies. I mean A LOT. And buying them one at a time, and leaving my freezer empty, makes no sense, when I have a Costco card, and I KNOW that I can get the same amount of stuff for a MUCH lower price. My freezer is currently mostly empty - all that is in it is some lonely freezer-burnt fish, half a bag of chicken wings, and a few bags of veggies. It's CRYING out to be filled with wonderful meals and makings of meals on a regular basis.
5) The last thing is that I need to curb my random shopping sprees. Though, I hve to admit after dropping ALL that money on my computer - I seriously doubt that I'm going to be spending ANY large sum of money any time soon. I also have to start to gauge my 'needs' versus my 'wants'. For instance - I think I need a car charger for the batteries in my digital camera. But - that implies that I'm going to be using the camera enough to actualy run through the batteries just as I have one MORE picture to take - and I don't have any extra batteries. Looking on eBay, I saw that one extra battery for my camera costs about 8 bucks - the car charger costs about 50.00. Now - for the cost of the car charger, I could get 6 batteries - which would be at the minimum 12 HOURS of camera time. Or - I could just buy two extra batteries, and keep them fully charged from the charger I have at home. I'd spend under 20 bucks, I'd have 6 - 8 hours of shooting time (and really - how often am I going to use my camera CONSTANTLY for 6 hours???) and I'd be saving a big ole hunka cash. Plus - if I'm out in the middle of who knows where and have walked 1/2 hour from the car, I'm going to be rather grumpy about walking ALL the way back to the car, waiting the 1/2 hour while the battery recharges, and then walking ALL the way back to where I was.
So.... I want to scale down my thoughts and think about what I REALLY want - and them find the cheapest possible solution rather than just going for the FIRST solution I see.

---

I've reinstituted my ban on TV. I'm reading, listening to music, chatting with friends online, doing voga, practing belly-dancing, laying out in the sun - almost ANYTHING besides sitting there and wasting brain time watching TV. Though I have to admit - I give myself free rein on Friday nights. How can I miss Forensic Fridays??

Speaking of yoga - I'm so excited that I've gotten stronger! I'm guessing it's from the loss of weight (which means that I REALLY need to start lifting weights to keep my muscle strength up) but there are a couple of yoga poses it was almost impossible for me to hold before, and now I can do them - not super easily, but a hell of a lot easier than before. I figure by the end of this month, I should be ready to get my Pilates tapes back and start doing them as well. I also need to start stretching every morning. The yoga is good - but it doesn't really PULL me out like it should. I have a Stretching Book - and since I don't have belly-dancing tonight, I think I will work on that instead.

Whooshhh...

I’ve figured out why I like moving so much…it represents new frontiers for me. Once I have decided on moving…I daydream about lovely decorating and new areas and just fun stuff. Rather like the same feeling I got every time I wanted to rearrange my room…A sense of freedom embedded in change.

My job is really starting to get on my nerves. People being pulled and overstressed, and then trying to transfer that stress over to me. Umm… I think not. There comes a point where one just has to take a step back and realize that stressing and trying to rush is going to just put you even further back along than you should have been. *sighs* People need to take a really big chill pill. Blagh. I’m actually glad that I don’t have a passport. These crazy people might try to ship me to Spain. Ugh.

I’m trying to figure out what the hell I am doing with my hair. I haven’t twisted the roots for over a month now, and it is starting to get all wild and wooly. Mind you, I rather like it that way, because the roots tend to get all soft and silky due to my natural oils and juices creeping up the roots. So it feels really really good, but it doesn’t look to hot. In fact it looks rather….wild and wooly and stuff. I have been considering just letting it free form – stop twisting it and let it loc up on it’s own, but I think my hair is a little too soft and straight to do that on it’s own. I wonder just how long it would take for my hair to do something on it’s own…and whether or not I have to hold off on washing it. *yyeeeccchhhh* That is one of the main things that led me to lock my hair the way I have done it, the fact that I could wash it and get it wet almost every day if I wanted to. *shrugs* I don’t know…

Me and Corey are better. *sighs* I swear, me and him have so many ups and downs, and then we sit down and talk and clear up most of our issues, and sail forward for a while and then it is back to the up and down again. Hopefully, now that I am off of the pill, and now that we have gone through some tough points, the ups will last much longer than the downs. Ya know, he was actually thinking about breaking up with me on Saturday? Isn’t that horrid? And we can’t figure out a way to insure that the lines of communication stay clear. *sighs* I have never worked this hard at anything in my life…but it is so much so worth it.

Money issues? Ugh… tighter and tighter. Since the damn machine ate my ATM card, I have to wait for my mother to send me this money for the rest of my lease. *sighs* I don’t know I don’t know…I’m hoping that everything works out well, cuz if it doesn’t I might seriously go batty. I WANT this place…really really I do.

Um. I think I might paint this place. The main room that I want to work on is the kitchen. Because of the way it is set-up, it is kinda dark, and I want to brighten it up as much as possible. However, I consider yellow kitchens to be the most…average thing there is. Blagh. I also think that the dark wood paneling isn’t helping in the least.

*yawnnn* I need more sleep. Not that I haven’t been getting plenty, but I still need more. *shrugs* I don’t think that is going to happen considering the fact that I HAVE to have my house packed totally by Monday, since I’m going to be in driving classes next week and thus I won’t be able to pack at all that week. *sighs* I really need to hunt down/up some more boxes.


Stay Jazzed.

Short.

*makes face* Yup…he’s mad.
*sighs* Boundaries, thas all. I want to have guidelines, little paths that my feet can follow that make me comfortable and make him comfy too.
*shrugs* I’ll talk to him at some point later.
Work wasn’t too too bad.
Blagh.

Stay Jazzed.

Testing Testing 1,2, Key....

I did something mildly sly, and I want to note it so that I can remember to record the results (if any). A few weeks ago, he gave me back the keys to my place, because he said he ‘felt’ like I didn’t like him coming over. *rolls eyes* Anyhow, Tuesday night, he asks for me to leave the him the spares so that he would go to his job and pick up the boxes he said he would get me. I said no problem, and pulled out the spare from where I keep them (in the kitchen cabinet) while he watched me. Last night, when I got home there were no boxes, because he said he didn’t feel like walking back with them because he didn’t have the money for the cab. I said fine, but it sent off a little ‘beep-beep-beep’ warning signal in my head. He had left the keys on the counter, and with him watching again I but them back where I had gotten them from that morning. I don’t want him to keep the keys to my place…and he understands that. However, when I got up this morning I thought hmm…I wonder if he plans on staying here all day today too? Or going out then coming back…or just keeping the damn keys…so… rather than just accuse him of wanting anything (1 – it was too damn early 2- I was already running late and 3- he was half sleep), I just took the keys out of the kitchen cabinet and put them someplace else. If he goes for the keys, I am sure I will hear something back and we can converse from that point on. If he doesn’t, it won’t be mentioned again and I can relax knowing that he is aware that the whole ‘chillin at Jazzy’s house’ thing has been sharply curtailed.

I don’t know… it should be interesting. My life – with more extra Drama!!

Stay Jazzed.

Moving, Money, Men and Drugs.

Umm…it’s odd. I keep thinking that I am writing in here, but when I go to look at the entry list, nothing new is there. I guess I am using a thought process of ‘I need to write this for the OD’ and just never get around to doing it.
Anyhow….life life life..what’s going on with me? Ummm… I’m moving on July 13th, and I have broken down and decided to pay someone to help me. *shrugs* It makes life easier. I haven’t started packing yet, because I don’t have any boxes. Corey said that he would get me some boxes from work, but I am still on an independent search for boxes. I mean I work in half of a factory, I SHOULD be able to find some great boxes. I just stuck a little note on this big stack of boxes that I saw in an elevator about to be taken to be recycled most likely, politely asking the ‘owner’ to give me a call. *sighs* Hopefully I will hear from them a little after lunch.
Note on above: I tend not to rely on people, because I know just how unreliable some people are, and how easily some people tend to shrug off ‘favors’ they have said they would do for someone else. So anytime I ask someone for a ‘favor’ (except my mom) I have secondary plans in motion just in case they fall through. If they don’t, I can always throw away some extra boxes, but if I do get left in the lurch, I won’t totally be assed out. Part of my pessimism showing.
I was supposed to start a new pack of pills on Sunday, and I haven’t. I don’t feel much different, though I did have a dream this morning in which there was a distinct scene of me slobbing Corey down, so that is a good sign. I haven’t called the doc yet either – work has been hectic, but I will do so. I never called him to talk about the results of my latest pap either, so I can kill two birds with one stone. I have researched and researched and there basically seem to be four different kinds of birth control. 1) Hormones – the pill, Norplant, Depo, Lunaire 2) Barrier – Condom( girl and guy), Diaphragm, Sponge, Foam… 3) for lack of a better word – ‘Devices’ – Chasitity Belts, IUD’s and the like, and the last kind 4) Dangerous/Unrealistic(for me) – Pulling out, Fertility Awareness methods, abstinence.
Hormones are out. I really don’t like taking them, and it seems that no matter what kind I take (I have been on three different kinds, a tri-cyclic, a low dose tri-cyclic and a mono-phasic) I end up not having sex cuz I don’t want to anyhow. Forced abstinence is a bit much for me. I’ll be damned if I get something stuck in me that I will HAVE to live with for long periods of time. Nope uh-uh. When I got pregnant before it was with a condom, so my security with that method is nil, I just don’t trust diaphragms (how do you know the stupid thing is covering EVERYTHING??) and I would use up a bottle of foam at a time (and what if his are some really tenacious wrigglers?) and sponges cost too much. Less than a child, yes, but still…and as for group 4 – I might as well just get pregnant and be done with it. So… that leaves me with the IUD. Mind you, I was conceived ‘around’ an IUD…but that WAS 25 years ago. I hope (pray…) that the IUD’s are better now. So…*sighs* I hate having stuff poked that far into me. It hurts. *grins* But as I’m sure Cyndi would say, ‘Labor feels worse!’ So…

Ummm… I have decided to borrow 100 bucks from my mom, just in case to tide me over if Gio’s surgery costs more than I expected it to. *sighs* If if if… bitching does no good though does it? I could have asked Corey for the cash… but as he still owes me 45.00 bucks for a damn phone bill *rolls eyes* I don’t want to have any monetary interactions with him. umph. And I sure as heck don’t want to be beholden to him in that kind of way. Is that sad? I’m not sure…we have very different ideas on how to handle money soo….it makes life easier. At least my life.
Anything else? Work has been….interesting lately. Hectic in a stressful kind of way, but not really in a ‘pressed –for –time’ kind of way. It’s odd. It’s stress based on conflict between what people want and what can truly be provided, rather than a conflict between what is needed and the amount of time we have to do that in. I think I like the time stress more.
I’m tired. Tired tired tired. I (stupidly) stayed up until 2am Sunday talking to Corey about ‘us’. If anyone has watched Sex and the City… I totally sympathize with Samatha – “I’m so SICK of talking!!’ . Anyway…I have been on the go since then, leaving the house around 6:30 am and not getting back until around 10:00 pm because of driving class, and then having to do whatever in the house and then drag my ass to bed. I’m wiped. And then they want me to come into work later tonight so that I can restore the system because most of our test data got corrupted yesterday. *sighs* Hopefully I’ll be home by 10:00 tonight. Hopefully. Last night I was talking to my mom about the money, and I was so tired while looking for the ATM card that I felt like crying. *sighs* Lack of sleep makes me an evil evil person. And Corey assumes that it is something to do with him. *rolls eyes* Mercy, can’t I have an attitude without him thinking that it is a personal reflection on ‘us’??

Stay Jazzed

It's crashing down around me...

Man…. I knew things were going bad on the project I work on, but I didn’t think it would all start coming down around our ears. Most of the team had gone upstairs to the café (which was odd as the food is notoriously NOT all that good…and expensive) and we were lounging a bit after finishing lunch. Then the three consultants who work with us came upstairs as well. A few seconds later, one of the team members came up and told us that part of the ceiling in our team room had exploded. We didn’t think it was THAT big of a deal, but after coming downstairs and actually SEEING what had happened… my goodness. The ceiling fell in right over the consultants’ desk. Scaryyy…..so they have kicked us out of the team room, and we are sitting out in the hallway in cubicles. Yeech. Talk about NO privacy… I don’t like having people be able to look over my shoulder. The thought of having to reduce the little bit (yeah right) of OD’ing that I do is ugly!!

Anyhow… me and Cheffy had a nice long talk at last last night. *sighs* I think things will be better, but I’m still holding back for sure on that point. Damn it… forget it. I’mma call him Corey… it’s a lot easier on my head. *sighs* The only thing that soured the night was that he didn’t want to spend the night unless we had sex. *rolls eyes* Men.

My head hurts. I hope there is no asbestos in the ceiling tiles…that would suck.

On the moving front: One of my co-workers told me that you can call The Church of Latter-Day saints and they will move you for free…all they ask is that you buy them lunch. :) I think I can swing that without too much of a problem. So that seriously reduces my overhead, which is good considering I DO have to pay the last months worth of rent in the expensive place, and I have to pay the pro-rate for the cheaper place. *sighs* I think I might change Gio’s surgery to just be neutering rather than neutering and declawing… it will be a little cheaper I’m thinking. *sighs* What I forgot about was the fact that they cash the security deposit check rather than just holding on to it until the end of the lease. *sighs* If I just had another week everything would be much much easier. Ah well…can’t bitch over spilled milk eh?

Stay Jazzed.

Corey's Song

a make me wanna holla
ya make me wanna scream
you make me wanna reach out
and color in the blank spots that I feel in between
every time we talk it’s to be a dead end
you hear what you think
I’m just trying to get out what I feel
Cold…perhaps
but you quench my flames
I feel free away from you
no need to worry
I’m not gonna cause you any pain

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

I see your face in my dreams
I hear your voice in my thoughts
I feel you touching me
but never in my heart
What’s holding you back
where did we go wrong
Am I a building to attack
or a woman just trying to carry on

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

The end is near
if we go on this way
you hearing your thoughts
me saying what I’m trying to say
Take me for who I am
or don’t take me at all
don’t expect me to be your dream
cuz then we both will fall

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

I’m just me
Not who you want me to be

I’m just me
a woman who needs space to be free
I’m just Jazzy
and that’s all I can be

Come together
come together
make a bond that will last forever
reaching for a dream
reaching for a hope
it’s breaking my heart
can we cope?

Where do we go from here?

*deep breath*

It is starting to take a lot of…energy to deal with Cheffy. It’s jard for me to really put a finger on exactly what it is. Like I said yesterday, he can be an asshole at times…but I can be a bitch at times, so that isn’t really something I can call him on. One thing (I get the oddest flashes of clarity in the shower) that occurred to be today was that he tends not to listen to me. When we are having our little ‘discussions’ I will say something, and mean precisely want I say, but he filters it through some half-assed this-is-what-Jazzy-‘MEANS’ translator of his that is just broke.
I know that I have a tendency to keep shit to myself, and I work on that on a daily basis. But once I get to the point that I do speak out… I say what I’m thinking and how I feel… as exactly as I can. And to have him ‘interpret’ what I’m saying, and then act on that rather than what I said…is frustrating as hell. And the sad part is no matter how many times I go back over the same shit, he STILL doesn’t hear what I am saying, he hears what he wants to hear, or what he ‘thinks’ I’m saying. And I’m getting to the point where I’m really just tired of talking. Why bother when I’m not being listened to?

Another thing, is that he tends to treat me as if…I’m inadequate somehow. Like I need constant guidance in how to deal with a relationship, as if he knows just so much freaking more than I do about interacting with people. While I have to admit, I haven’t had exactly the BEST track record when it comes to relationships (based on some other things) I’m not too thrilled about being treated like the kid who rides the short bus. Then again, that might just be a side effect of his *thinks* arrogant façade. He tends to be one of those folx who firmly believes that they shit don’t stink…until I firmly pop his bubble…and he changes for a hot second…and then it’s back to the ‘Cheffy – King of the World’ attitude.

The latest thing that has been heating up my…blood pressure I guess is that he tends to come in late (and that is expected because he works late) but then he wants to sit and have conversations. While I do love talking to him, and while I know that I don’t see him that much…wouldn’t most intelligent and considerate people consider that waking someone up who has to be to work in 5 hours and who has been sleep for about 3 to have a deep conversation really isn’t the wisest course to take?

*sighs* Anyhow…I don’t know what’s going ‘on’ here with us. I feel us slowly creeping down the slippery slope towards breaking up, and I don’t want that to happen. Then I start thinking about why I don’t want it to happen, and I really can’t come up with any GOOD reasons. I would miss him yes…but I think I would be able to keep him as a friend. With him it’s always been a different kind of thing… more low level, never burning quite as hard or as bright as some of my other love affairs have. And I feel like we are hitting a foggy area right now, and I don’t know how to clear it up.

*sighs* Anyhow I needed to get that out. I think that we will actually be around each other during ‘normal’ hours over the weekend…and I think we will have a talk then. *sighs* I just feel so…un-hopeful about our little ‘talks’ because…well…maybe we need to talk about his interpreter and see if that helps.

Stay Jazzed.

The disjointed thoughts of a woman who wants to g

go home.
Hm how rude... it would not let me type my whole title.







stretch out my mind
open up my heart
shake my behind
my new life’s gonna start


Okay…for a second I thought I was a songwriter. Um… nevamind. :)

In a relatively good mood today… not feeling quite so broke. :) Sifting through a newspaper, found a couple of interesting places, two of which are being managed by the company that I’m going on the walkabout with tomorrow. :) So I’m triple crossing my fingers that the places won’t be skunky. (dear god… I really did NOT know how to spell skunk!) and that I will like them and that they will be available and allll that jazz. *sighs*
What else? Work hasn’t been too boring today, I’m finally getting to do what I was supposed to have done all freaking last week. *sighs* Perfection takes time though right??
*grins* I feel like tomorrow is going to be Christmas or something… I’m all twitchy. I really think some good stuff is going to happen… I go to look at apartments, I get paid and it’s Friday! That is just gonna be a damn good day.

I realize what some of my issues with Cheffy are. He can be an absolute and total asshole at times, for no apparent reason.
It’s odd… I don’t really want to write about what drives me crazy about him. Why is that?

Hm. I want to take a pottery class. :) Maybe later huh?

Stay Jazzed.

Those XY People

Ummm… I enjoy re-reading my diary. I went back about a year to re-read what was going through my head when I came up here the first time, and didn’t really find much except for my joy about my lovely new apartment…the same one that I am madly trying to escape from now. :) ah well…I was also talking about the relationship between me & chris…during that amazingly sweet honeymoon period of time. ah. well.
*shrugs* Then I read my entry for Father’s Day last year… *sighs* and I can’t even imagine pretending to try to write one this year. *shrugs* I’m…dismissive of my step-father, and I have given up all hope as far as my biological father is concerned… but re-reading that actually gave me some insights into who I am, and some of the issues and assumptions that I tend to have about my relationships.


What was the most important thing I learned from my father(s)? I learned that I have to be ready & able & willing to stand on my own two feet at all times, because trusting someone else to be able to stand on theirs can be a losing proposition. I learned that actions speak so much louder than words, and that words don’t mean shit. I learned that if I want to be somebody, and do something, I have to do it on my own, and be ready to pull others along. I learned that promises & disappointments go together, and that one lie found out may mean five more still in hiding. I learned a lot from my father(s). Most of it I wished I hadn’t learned. I wished I had learned how to be a daddy’s girl, how to know that there was always a man in my life who was strong & stable as a rock. I wished that I had learned what a daddy was, rather than what a father is.


I translate this same…ideals I guess to most (if not all) of the men in my life. Actually, I view most men that I am in a relationship with like this… *Shrugs* It’s what I have learned, and I have yet to run into a man who has proven me just totally wrong. *shrugs* I’m not even going to go through how every relationship that I have been in has failed me in some way. And I’m not saying that that failure was all that person’s fault. In fact, in a few cases, I know quite well that it was OUR fault…but at the same time… if I did not have those…learned responses to some stimuli, *laughs* I would be better able to get PAST my past and deal with men strictly on their own terms.

How do you break out of a learned and repeatedly re-enforced cycle of behavior and expectations? I was trying to explain to Cheffy one day how I feel that I had started off wrong in our relationship…how I had started off as a doormat and how I was trying to roll the mat back up. His response was that I was becoming cold and unfeeling and focusing solely on me and my needs. And it was true…because I can’t see the point of equilibrium, where you are taking care of yourself totally, and still have energy left for someone else. And in order for that kind of equilibrium to be established (esp. between two adults) I have the expectation that if I am going to be focusing on me and my needs AND you and your needs… then YOU need to be focusing on your needs and my needs as well…rather than just thinking about you and what you want and what you can do. *Shrugs* I’m slowly trying to work my way to a point where I can put my finger on it and say ‘Yes! This is what went wrong, this is what needs to change to make things right’. *rolls eyes* And then I really don’t feel like I should have to be dealing with these kind of issues when I am NOT married… but then somehow he makes me feels guilty about being all for me. *shrugs* I HAVE to focus on and me sure that Jazzy is making sure her shit is straight, cuz Cheffy is not making sure my shit is straight. And if making sure that my shit is straight means not being as…compliant and available to him as I have been… *shrugs* that’s life. Is that a cold and cruel way to look at it, or am I just finally being realistic?

Well. That was a nice little purging. I wish that I could look at our relationship ‘on paper’. Just look at what it REALLY is with my own mind… and blank of any past residue or expectations…and compare that to what I want. Write down what happens that makes me mad or that makes me happy… and try to figure out what the problem is.

Stay Jazzed.

Manic Wednesday

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! No OD?? There HAS to be OD. This is gonna be my last guaranteed OD day… how can it be down?? This is just totally unacceptable. I need my fix. *sighs* Or maybe it is just me… maybe the network is just screwy. Yeah yeah… it’s the network. *shivers*

Okay. I STILL haven’t talked to Cheffy. This is ridiculous. *shrugs* I’m really I’m reallly gonna hate leaving Gio alone for a whole week.. and I’m scared to think of the state my house is going to be in. I am going to get one of those extended waterers and leave a big ole pan of food out. *sighs* This sucks. This is one of those times that it would be good if I did have two cats… that way Gio wouldn’t be just totally bored, and he might not get too people shy. I’m also gonna leave the TV on…that should entertain him.

YAAYYY!! Okay. Now I have to stop and read…since OD is back.

Stay Jazzed

Weekend Update with Jazzy

Wonderful wonderful wonderful weekend. Friday I was basically a lazy bug, not doing much of anything…trying to gear myself up for the overwhelming task that was facing me on Saturday.
Saturday, I cleaned my house. Scrubbed the floors, vacuumed the whole house, cleaned the kitchen top to bottom, cleaned my room and made my bed. It only took me about 4 hours, which really isn’t too bad. After that I went grocery shopping, and bought myself some flowers. Didn’t realize until I got home and put them in a really big cup (I had run out of vases) that one of the flowers was a pale copy of the dream flower. It doesn’t have any smell though. :(
I also finally went to the library and took back the thirty something books that had been cluttering up my windowsills for most of the year. :) It’s almost scary how clean my house is… but I really like it that way. I am going to start making a conscious effort to keep it clean from now on.
Sunday was rather laid back. I had a taste for McDonalds so I went down town and did some quick shopping. I got a lovely blue vase that sets off the dream flower just right. Pictures are definitely forthcoming for this one. Hmmm… what else?

Talked to some of my friends at ‘home’ over the weekend. I will most likely go up to Philly on the 28th, giving me at least two days there. *nods* Yeah it’s uneven, but I haven’t seen my DC friends for longer. *sighs* I REALLY need to make some friends here. Blagh.

Argh. I hate it when I am thinking of something to write about and them someone interrupts me and POOF! All of the information is just gone. *sighs* Dammit that is going to drive me mad. Umph.

Back. And I still don’t remember what the hell I was going to talk about. *sighs* Ah well.

I’ve made a decision for myself. Henceforth… from two weekends ago and ever on…I am NOT going to stay in the house and veg out and watch tv all weekend. I might not be able to get pictures and the like like I want to, but I WILL get out. Even if it is just a quick trip to the library or something. My main goal is to figure out cool fun places to go that require me spending as little money as possible. Of course, the nicer weather has something to do with this, but also the fact that I just don’t wanna veg out. *shrugs* I don’t know… I’m hitting a mild level of frustration in my relationship with Cheffy, and my way of handling that kind of irritation tends to be getting more independent. Hm. That’s not putting it quite right. I get more selfish I guess you could say. I start doing more just for ME… and not even thinking about him. *rolls eyes*
I know where a lot of my irritation with him is coming form, and it is a mix of general disgust with him, and disgust with myself for letting him get away with this crap for so long. One of the things that I have already gone through in my life, and that I am currently dealing with the repercussions from, is being financially irresponsible. *shrugs* I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I am not interested in getting too deeply involved with someone who is still going through that phase in their life. *shrugs* I guess basically, the honeymoon is SO over, and I am just settling into dealing with the real life bit. Of course, the fact that he is hard as hell to get in touch with (now that he isn’t using my house as his own crash pad…unless I’m not there… which is a WHOLE nother rant) it’ s hard to *shrugs* hard to grab him and sit him down and just talk.
I’m considering asking for my keys back. *sighs* It’s not that I want to break up with him, it’s just that I want to change to status quo. I don’t feel much like a girlfriend anymore. *shrugs* I want to go back to the whole woo-ing state…cuz I think he feels like I am won, and I ain’t. *shakes head* Confusion, confusion.

In other news, I finally got digital cable. It’s pretty cool. I can’t tell all that much difference in the picture quality, but I love the music channels and the additional movie channels. *nods* It’s cool.. and the new remote is funky too. *laughs* It fits the way I watch TV much better, since most of the time the tv is just on for the noise and I am reading or just chilling anyhow…so having the music channels makes it PERFECT. *grins* However, we will see if I am still quite as cheerful when I get the first months bill for it.
I just cancelled my AOL. I reallllly don’t get alone enough at home to make it worth while. In fact, I rarely even turn on the computer when I am at home. After 8-9 hours on the computer here, the last thing I wanna do is go home and sign on. Yeech. So now I’m back on the prowl for a worthy free internet access program that will let me get on in those rare times when I reallllly need to hop on while I’m at home.

Hmm… off for some surfing…

Stay Jazzed

Recap

Welll… I finally have a chance to settle down and actually write an entry. This week has been rather hectic (work –wise) and as we all know that I don’t believe in getting on the computer at home (it’s just so inconvenient) I haven’t had a real chance to write. Now, most of the documentation is done, the system is going down at noon, and life is just generally laid back.
I’ve had a good week…full of work. I’ve been getting here early and actually WORKING until I wanted to leave… or until I ‘had’ to leave I should say…one of the ugly parts about riding the bus. I feel like OS much more of a valuable part of the team now, like I really can make a difference. :)
Ummm… what else? Personal life? *rolls eyes in utter disgust* Okay… I really don’t know WHAT the hell Cheffy is tripping on. Or even if he is tripping…but I am going to have to sit down with him and have another talk with him. *shrugs* I haven’t talked to him all week. I page him occasionally and leave a message…he doesn’t call me back. I can’t call him at home because… his phone still isn’t turned on. HE hasn’t called me in days. The last time he was at my house …Tuesday I think it was…he was in a stank mood, and thus I was in a stank mood too. *rolls eyes* The part that pisses me off the most is that he is being stank because I told him (no asking.. I TOLD him) that if he was going to treat my house as a second home, then I expected him to pay for it like it was his second home. I wasn’t asking for too much… and I wasn’t even asking him to pay part of the rent… all I was asking was that the stuff that he uses, he either replaces or gives me money for… in other words, don’t freaking use me. *shrugs* Yeah, it was partially my fault because I LET him do it in the first place… but… *rolls eyes* really… I’m NOT interested in adopting a child at this point in my life, and if he is going to sulk and act bitchy and distance himself from me because I ask him to do what he should have been doing anywaaaayyy… *shrugs* Fuck Him. I love the man to no end, but I will not be taken advantage of. And until this is clear, any kind of relationship that we have will be strained.
Anywayy.. on to more fun topics. I went to the mall downtown yesterday, and found out that the World of Discovery was going out of business. OF course, I had to go in there and go mad mad shopping… I ended up with two “make your own beaded hair decorations” kits, and a stress puzzle for the office. I’m gonna have fun with the bead kits… I have been itching to make some hair jewelry so I can decorate my locs. I don’t want to color them again, because I think the first time I colored them dried them out, and I have horrrid split ends that I am afraid to cut off. So I’m just going to do the whole sun-lightening thing, and some hair jewelry. I want to have some stuff created to match the outfits that I am taking to DC with me so I can have lovely coordinating jewelry. *grins* I am sooooo excited about this trip.
Gio is GROWING so fast. In the…has it been three weeks? Since I got him, he has lost a lot of that kittenish look. When he runs it isn’t the odd little rocking kitten run, but a more normal cat run. His tail isn’t half as attitudinal now, I guess it was just too short to hang down *LOL*. He still wakes me up at like 5:00am… but today he let me sleep. I really don’t want to take him to the kennel, but I am not going to rely on Cheffy to take care of my little precious. I hope he doesn’t get toooo mad at me. Giovanni that is.
*yawns* I’m sleepy, so I’m off to read more of Poppyseed’s diary (she a good one guys..a really great read… go and read!!!)

Stay Jazzed.

Living la vida Broka

Ugh. Working days are the best at the worst all at the same time…but it’s grand to have stuff to do. I was so worried for a while today that I would not be able to make it to DC for my vacation because the airline tickets (since it a a couple of days short of 14) were SO expensive. But I took a risk and went for the Bargain fare thing, where it is a blind fare. You know what DAY you are leaving and returning, and what airport you are flying in and out of, but you don’t know who you are flying on, and you don’t know what time. I thought I was going to get suck with some red eye flight on ConAir…but instead I got a nice afternoon flight on USAir…nonstop no less. Talk about being THRILLED!! I had to re- read the itinerary couple of times to be sure that I was seeing it right. And I got the ticket for UNDER 200 bucks… ten days before I want to leave… ya can’t beat THAT with a stick. *wiggles with joy* Anyhow… I am calling people tonight to set up hang out times and places… but I have the most important thing, which is a place to stay, and if worst comes to worst and they all stand me up, I will just chill in DC and go to all the free stuff like the zoo and the Smithsonian and all that jazz… which I haven’t been to in AGES. So no matter HOW it goes, I am going to have a bomb ass vacation.

I don’t know WHAT the hell is up with Cheffy. I paged him Sunday, and he called me back yesterday and left a reallllly odd message. Yeah I was home, but I wasn’t in a talking/answer the phone kind of mood. And as he is the only one who would call me from a pay phone… I knew it was him. AS for the message…it just didn’t sound right. Now, I don’t want to read to much into this, but if he has jumped attitude cuz I told him he needed to start hauling his own damn load… hm. Issues anyone? *rolls eyes* If that IS the case….I think I will cuss him out, then kick his ass to the curb. Why? Because.. if he is gonna jump an attitude when I speak out… and tell him what is on my mind that is not all sun shiny and ‘Oh you are just the greatest dude around’-ish… clearly that does not bode well for any long term interactions, right? *groans* Childish. Anyhow… I would be kinda upset cuz I was kinda hoping he would take care of Gio while I was gone. *grins* If he doesn’t, I will have to take him to a kennel. I don’t wanna leave my baby all alone for a week… that is just TOOOO long. The vet has a nice kennel, and I wouldn’t have to worry about him getting any yicky stuff. And since I am taking him in for his second check-up the day before I go to the vet, hopefully it won’t be too bad. *sighs*

Ummm..what else? I’m considering taking an art class over the summer/fall. After going to the art festival, which was held at the Indy Arts Center, jus the thought of being able to mess with clay or blow glass or do woodcuts was just soo… exciting. I mean it seems like just the thing for me… right up my alley in other words. I’m starting to think about whether or not I want to get a second job once I get my car. *laughs* Actually… I’m trying to think of ways to avoid getting a second job after I get my car. It’s going to be interesting for me to balance what I would really like to do with what I really NEED to do. I would prefer, for my own piece of mind, to have a bit of a second income once I start paying a car note…but on the same foot, I would hate to be…limited in what I can do once I get that car because I have another job. Perhaps it could be just a short term thing, until I finish paying off my credit card bills. *sighs*

I am going to pick up this book from the library today called “The Broke Diaries” about how broke this chicky was in college. I need to refresh my memory on how FUN and DO-able that was so that I know in my mind and heart that I can pull this off now. Though I have to admit that the way I did it then was to not pay most of my bills except for the ones that insured I had a roof over my head and lights…but maybe I need to get back to that. *sighs* Though I WOULD miss my cable…hmm.. that would really be the only thing I would be able to ditch. That and my apartment of course. *sighs*

Well… work is taking me over again… I’m off…

*LOL* I signed off with my real name for a second there…. I have been writing WAY too many emails.; )

Stay Jazzed

Freeeeddoomm....

I’m FREEEEE!! Free at last free at Last!

No… I didn’t dump the darling (though THAT conversation will be touched on later) I just took my final for this class, and I am prettttyyy darn sure that I aced it. Or even if I didn’t ace it, I got the C that I need to pass! Free! Free! It’s odd, especially considering precisely how LITTLE work I did in that class… but I’m relived. Finally… I will really and truly have a B.S.

Speaking of BS (don’t you just LOOOVVVEE the segue) me and Cheffy had the ‘talk’ yesterday. *sighs* It’s rather hard to convince a person who is under the assumption that they ARE already doing the right thing that what they are doing is just NOT up to snuff. I think I got it through his remarkably thick head though. My quarters are off limits. The body wash he said he didn’t notice…which I find hard to believe considering it was like in the BACK of all my other shower stuff, with several other soaps in front of it… *rolls eyes*, the detergent is off limits, he said he will stop getting pay per view, and the phone is handled. Ugh. I am soooooo damn passive it’s aggravating. It get on my own nerves sometimes. And I guess it wouldn’t be as hard to talk about those kind of things if he was THERE when I noticed them.. but as he rarely is… I have to store up my bitching for the next time I see him. And usually the last thing I am thinking about is bitching *wiggles of eyebrows* anyhow. I don’t know. I’ll see how I feel about the ‘change’ in status. Ugh

I got a harness for the little kitty today. I figure since he likes to ‘explore’ so danngone much he might like to be able to go outside and wander about. One of my coworkers has a Irish setter (I think that is what it is... it’s a Toto) and she had gotten a harness for her, but it was too small.. so she gave it to me. Cool huh? All I have to get now is a leash…and convince Gio to wear it. Speaking of which. I still have not gotten the pictures from the place yet. I will post them tomorrow… I’m sure.

Speaking of tomorrow, I’m about to be off for a looonnng weekend. I’m taking Friday off (for no good reason) and ahhh.. it’s gonna be great. I don’t know what (if anything) I will do. I know right now all I want to do is go to sleep. *yyaaaawwwwwnnn*

Um. I think I’m leaving kind early today. *nods* Yup yup

Stay Jazzed

Rolling up the doormat

I don’t know how I’m going to handle this. I am such a non-confrontational kinda person, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’m not sure what the straw was… the comment about he makes what I have after bills…which I know isn’t true. But maybe he read that wrong. The fact that he uses stuff up, and never offers to replace it. The fact that he doesn’t offer to pay for anything that he uses. The fact that he has gotten just a LITTLE too comfortable in treating my house like his house. The fact that while I scrimp and save for every little thing that I want… he feels free to buy 80.00 dollars shirts and go to the pub and spend 70.00 bucks…and doesn’t even offer to take me out. The fact that he is saving at least 30.00 a night by being able to come to my home rather than catching a cab to his…and yet he feels no need to offer to help me with any of my bills. I feel like I’m just making it way too easy… offering him everything (material wise) and not getting anything in return. *shrugs* Yeah, he brings home a rack of steaks every once in a while…yeah he buys a pizza sometimes, yeah he….brings home loads of liquor…but to me that doesn’t make up for me buying a 28 load box of detergent, and only being able to wash clothes three times out of that box. It doesn’t make up for having 20.00 dollars worth of quarters left in the container, and when I come back to wash my clothes, there are none left. It doesn’t make up for me having body wash that I have used 3 times…and it is almost all gone. It doesn’t make up for using MY phone like it’s his…and not offering to help me out with the bill. It doesn’t make up for spending close to 30.00 bucks a month on pay per view, and not offering to pay for it. It’s like he lives there, but doesn’t pay any of the bills…and I’m tired of it. I KNOW I can live off of 500.00 bucks a month… I lived off of 250.00 a month while I was in Atlanta, and I KNOW I can do it here. I can’t however do it, when I’m basically supporting someone else. Yeah, he has his own apartment. But he is so very rarely there. He doesn’t have his own phone, he doesn’t have a car, he isn’t paying on his student loan (at least not regularly.. if he was then they wouldn’t have taken money out of his tax refund). He isn’t saving any money because he just opened a savings account. *sighs* I don’t like it…and it’s going to sound really odd when I say it…but I want him to move out. *laughs* Either move out or start paying some bills. I will miss not having him there as much, but I won’t miss the dead weight. *sighs* Money issues… I just wish I had enough.

And I hope I’m not taking it out on him… the fact that I feel lost and I am hunting for control somewhere… and this is one place (other than my waistline) where I know that the fat can be trimmed. And of course there is the fact that I am starting to feel…used shall we say? Not used… but not as valued. I’m not feeling like a precious jewel anymore… I’m starting to feel like the ol’ girl. Ugh. I don’t ask for much…and I guess sometimes that is just all that I get…but this.. this is ridiculous.

I guess you could say I am going through emotional earthquakes...a natural shifting of the basis of my emotional & mental viewpoint to the world.

It’s like I am reevaluating everything…not taking anything at it’s face value…not settling for anything. *Sighs* Once again, it’s gonna be a wild ride.


Stay Jazzed.

Double Vision

Well.. I hate it when I’m right. Cheffy didn’t come over. *sighs* Men. Anyway… I had the oddest dream about it last night. I dreamt that he sent me an email that said he was going home to take came of some business, and that when I wanted him to come back to give him a call. *sighs* I don’t know. He’s going north to visit his family this weekend…and I have a very much so not good feeling about this. *shrugs* I don’t know why...but…I’m worried. *sighs* I hope he doesn’t get into too much madness with his brother.

Anyway….Gio’s visit to the vet went well. He is a healthy little mite, except for the totally gross amount of ear mites he had…I’m surprised the poor baby could hear. He also got his shots, and got a blood test for feline leukemia. He’s allll healthy. And he doesn’t have fleas. They gave me some advantage to put on him, but I left him alone last night. Once we got home, he slept for like 4 hours. The vet said that he might have a low fever and that he would sleep a lot, so I wasn’t worried. He is such an adventurous little man…I definitely want to get him a harness and leash so that we can go out on walks and stuff. I’m sure he will love it. I’m slowly getting over the fact that he likes Cheffy more than me… *shrugs* I think it something in the way he smells. *grins* I think he slept on some of his clothes last night, as when I was looking for him this morning he came out of the second bedroom where Cheffy keeps some of his clothes looking all sleepy eyed. *sighs* Ah well.

I haven’t done a damn thing with my homework all week. Monday I was sick, Tuesday I was cleaning, Wednesday, I brought the computer home, but forgot the disk drive and thus could not get the stuff I had already started on, Thursday I was going to the vet, and that bring me to today. *siiigghs* And god knows I still don’t want to do it. But I’m gonna crank out something. I want to be done by Monday, so I can study for the final on Monday and Tuesday night. God I can’t wait to be DONE with this crap.

Blagh.



Yeech. I wrote almost a whole entry about my man and my cat.. and somehow it just felt like the biggest load of shit ever. Not saying that I’m not thrilled with both of them in my life, but dammit I act like that is it sometimes. Like who I am is spanned by cat, job, man, school. I’m sick of it myself, and I’m sick of writing about it. I miss writing about me, what I’m feeling and into. I know that my diary is going to vary a lot, sometimes it will be just a factual rendering of my life and other times it will be a deep examination of my navel (which I have never been able to do…examine my navel that is. My boobs are too big) and other times it will just be a random outpouring of Mercy knows WHAT.
I think that I am getting sick of myself. Makes no sense? I’m sick of me being ME. I’m tired of just being… so fucking nonchalant. UGH!!! Part of the reason that I started exercising was so that I could start a change within myself… start a shift some where. I’m tired of doing the some thing every day. But as te weather is getting better, I really don’t have an excuse to go home every day. *sighs* I’m tired of talking about it.

Blagh.

Jazzed.

Normal, Indiana

Well…. One downside of going mildly crazy is you freak your loving boyfriend out. I KNOW he thinks that I am absolutely crazy as I broke down crying for no real reason last night, then hopped out of bed and slept in the living room. I don’t know… he was just rubbing me all the wrong way last night…hmm.. actually for the past few days. *shrugs* I don’t know if it is just me that is moody or if he is getting the grumps too. I know he is having some family issues…but… I don’t know. I think we will have to sit down and have a nice little talk. It’s nothing major just little stuff that I see has the potential to blow up into big stuff. He is closing tonight which usually means that he is coming over, but as I freaked out last night he will most likely go home. *sighs* Men.

I’m perfectly fine today though. Start bleeding and everything goes right back to normal. In fact, I’m in a really good mood. *shakes head* So him seeing me capering around the house tra-la-la-ing this morning freaked him out even more. I need to figure out a way to explain what is going on to him that doesn’t sound like I am trying to cover up some issue that I have… which I think that he thinks I am doing. If that made any sense.

I spent most of today going to meetings, or online trying to gather and understand information about IRA’s so that I could send my mom the information. She is getting a nice little chunk of money from her old job and she wants to invest it for a nice little retirement fund. It was actually more fun and not quite as intricate as I had expected it to be. Of course, I didn’t really get into the whole mutual funds vs. stocks vs. bonds stuff that is really the ROOT of IRA’s, but I figure I will do that on my own later. I wouldn’t feel right advising her on that…I love my mommy too much to give her bad money advice. I wrote her a veeeerryy long email about it.
Humph… she should be glad that I helped her out at all after that taunting little email she sent me this morning because ‘my’ Pacers lost the first round playoffs to ‘her’ Sixers. IT was only one line…but a single line of internet laughter can sting!! *grins* She’s a meanie anyway.

I am hooked on the Italian Cream Sodas that the coffee place by my office makes. I work inside of a partially remodeled factory (actually the last half of the building is still a factory) and there is basically a full service coffee shop right across from the area that I work in. They make the BEST cream sodas, and in such a wide variety of flavors… I could most likely get a different flavor every other day and not repeat for over a month. *sighs* And they are cheap too… at least compared to my usual coffee shop fare. *shakes head* I am such a lush… I was just thinking of how GREAT this would be with a small shot of rum or real Ameretto in it. *grins* ummmmmmmmm

I’m taking Gio to get his shots today, and I am going to drop off the film too. One of my kitty loving co-workers was kind enough to bring me a kitty carrier that I can borrow, so I don’t have to worry about the silly kitty trying to run off. He most definitely likes Cheffy more than he likes me. Ain’t that nothing?? He slept with him last night… *siiiggghhhs* I’m not even going to delve into that. Hopefully I will have pictures of the little precious by Monday.
And he figured out what the box is for. I cleaned the spots where he had poo’ed very well with some non ammonial stuff so that he wouldn’t smell it and think that was the right place to go. It seems to have worked as he has been going in the box. I think it MIGHT be a little high for him, but as he is feeling like a big boy, I will let him.

I have decided that I am for sure going to DC/Philly over Memorial Day. If I don’t get out of this city at some point I will go batty. The tickets are only 150.00 round trip (right now) and I will either hitch a ride or catch the bus to go up to Philly. Hopefully the whole trip will be no more than 500.00…. which I really shouldn’t be spending… but dammit I miss my friends!!! *sighs* I have GOT to get a cheaper apartment.

*sighs* 2:15… another hour and 15 minutes to go…. Well… off to play games.


Stay Jazzed.

Of Pussies and Pain

Well…my weekend was simply lovely. I did not a damn thing all weekend (including the school work that I was sooo soo sure that I was going to do *sighs* ) AND I got yesterday off. But that wasn’t a good thing.

I don’t know what was wrong with me over the weekend. I was such a total lazy bear. Saturday I think I might have moved from my comfy chair like ONCE… at least until I started making the spaghetti sauce. I have a remarkably empty refrigerator, and I am stubbornly refusing to go to the grocery store to buy junk. I HAVE stuff to eat, it is just a matter of cooking it. So anyway, on Saturday I figured that I might as well bust open the containers of tomato paste that I have had in my cupboard for almost 3 months and convert them along with some other odds and ends from the freezer into some yummy spaghetti sauce that can be further used in a wide variety of things. As I am 1) highly experimentative and 2) anal...it took me like 5 hours before I was realllly satisfied with the sauce. Of course, by that time I was no longer in the least bit hungry. Of course, the fact that I had most likely eaten almost a cup of the stuff during repeated taste tests to fix and refix several errors (have you ever tasted sweet spaghetti sauce… just THINKING about is turning my stomach) left me rather uninterested in anything tomatoey that night. Sunday was a repeat of Saturday. Except this time, I actually ate the spaghetti. It was rather good if I may say so myself. I have loads of it left at home, and I am sure I will be eating spaghetti until I am sick of it but.. *shrugs* I’m trying to be thrifty thrifty. I taped BackLash Sunday night, but wasn’t able to watch it all… and besides, I had to go to bed so that I could get up and workout (as I had slacked and did nothing but weights and ab work over the weekend). However…my Monday plans were going to be rudely disrupted.

5:30 am Monday morning: I am woken up by the sudden sensation of someone thrusting a long sharp hot poker straight through my left eyelid. Oh what joy, oh how wonderful.

6:30 am: I am still laying in bed, having moved twice (rolling over) and considering that my head felt like it was going to explode from that, decided that doing any thing to raise my blood pressure just might be fatal. Or if not fatal, it sure as hell would feel that way.

6:35 am: Swallow two Advil and a Motrin

7:00 am: Manage to get out of bed in triple slow motion. Wonder how long it takes for drugs to kick in. Stagger to the shower.

7:15 am: Exit out of the shower feeling vaguely human. Realize what time it is and step up my speed to double slow time…I don’t want to miss the bus (Yes… I was actually GOING to work)

7:30am: Fly out of the apartment building just in time to yell “HOLD THE BUS”…as I do most mornings…Thank god there is a seat at the very front of the bus for me to collapse into. Curse every non existent shock and every very large pothole the bus goes through as they seem to add additional spikes to the big hot one sticking out if my head. Wonder why the drugs haven’t worked yet.

7:40am: Step onto the other bus, reeling from the sudden wave of nausea. Realize suddenly that if I had to drive MYSELF to work, I would have killed a few people by now. I curl up in the corner of the bus for the entire torturous ride to work.

8:00am: Arrive at work, looking and feeling like shit. But I’m not SICK… it’s just a little headache. Cringe at the sound of my own heels hitting the ground. Decide I will give myself an hour, and if I don’t feel better, will go home.

8:03am: Walk into the team room, have several people look at me and tell me to go home. I haven’t even gotten to my desk yet…which I really need to get to so that I can lean my 5 ton head against something.

8:15am: Have managed to turn on my computer, read two pieces of email, throw up, and get officailly kicked out of the office, along with a free ride to take me home

8:30am: Close the blinds in my room, climb back into bed, cry a little, curse the lying makers of Advil and Motrin, sleep until 3:00.

I STILL don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. When I woke up I still had a tiny bit of a headache, that rapidly escalated into a throb if I bent over or moved any faster than a veryyyy slow walk. Two more Motrin and about 2 quarts of water solved THAT little bastard though. *shrugs* One of my coworkers said that it might have been a migraine, and if so.. oh dear GOD! That is one thing I would take drugs… very very very strong drugs for in a heartbeat.

But… the day got better. Cheffy brought me a gift since he knew I was feeling like shit….a itty bitty fuzzzy piece of a gray Kitten. *grins* S/he is sooooo adorable. I think it’s a girl, but I’m not quite sure. It’s name right now is Giovanni, but it might be changed to be officially Nikki Giovanni if examination turns out that he is a she. I have tried to examine Giovanni a few times, and I don’t SEE any dangly bits, so I’m thinking it’s a girly kitty. :) He also went out and got the needed bits and pieces. :) Giovanni is an independent cuss, although if I ever meet whoever had her before I got her I’mma beat them upside the head because it looks like someone trimmed his whiskers. Evil creatures. She’s also kinda petting shy.. so I’m thinking the previous owners had some bad ass kids who tormented the poor baby a bit. *narrows eyes* Cat meanies.
Anyhowwwww… I’mma take her to the vet around the corner after I get paid next month to get shots and check for the sex and see when I need to get the little bit ‘fixed’. *grins* That made the whole rest of the rather shitty day much much better.

I feel rather bad as I have not really ‘worked out’ in almost four days now. When I get home I HAVE to wash clothes, work out, do some work on my school stuff and play with Giovanni. :) Let’s see how many of those things I reallllly get done.


Stay Jazzed.

Ahhh.. push it....

Well… it’s been an interesting week. I have gotten up and exercised every morning, alternating ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ workouts…so I’m still proud of myself. I know that I am going to want to see some major changes in me like FAST, and just exercising alone is not going to do it. I was reading this one book the I got at the half price book store about how to get a flat stomach ASAP, and the author recommended a 1,600 to 1000 calorie a day diet, consisting of several 300 calorie mini meals a day…for a period of six weeks. Um…no. I would have to kill somebody if I tried to reduce my caloric intake that much. Besides, after those six weeks were over I would most likely balloon up like a fat pig. Sooooo…. I think I am going to tryyyyy to go back on Atkins. I know that I lose weight well and safely on that plan… so I MIGHT go back on that. But I’m not sure…*shrugs* Oddly enough, I don’t want to tell anyone that I have been working out, and that is one of the reasons that I am kind a iffy about going onto Atkins. Once you go on a diet everyone around you knows that you are trying to lose weight, and somehow for me having other people involved (Other than you LOVELY OD’ers ) makes it more of a outside thing than an inside one. It’s kinda like praying in public. You only do it if you are trying to show everyone else how wonderfully humble and in awe of your god you are. If you are really just doing it for you and your god, there is no reason to make it a subject of public discussion and involvement. The only odd thing I have noticed since I have started working out is that I have needed A LOT more sleep. I thought exercising was supposed to energize you? I do go through most of my day pretty well… but by the time 9:30 rolls around, I am OUT like a light. The fact that I am up at 6, and I tend to be moving pretty steadily until 5’ish…*thinks* that is 15 hours that I am awake… give or take an hour, which means I’m getting about 9 hours of sleep a night. Hm. I guess that isn’t too much sleep considering I am increasing the demand on my booooddddy. :) YAYYY for increased demand.

In other news, work SUCKS. These people are truly demented. *rolls eyes* Expectations from the program as a whole are way too high for a BETA system that is more buggy that the New Orleans Bayou. *sighs* And forcing people to come to work on the weekends does jack shit for morale I would like to add.
*sighs* I have figured out something about me. I am a much much much better follower than I am leader. Or maybe not. I am a much better ‘doer’ than I am ‘organizer’. I am DAMN good at actually doing and executing a task or tasks laid out in front of me. ..but organizing a group of people or a series of events? That I am realllllly not all that skilled at. *sighs* I guess it is good to know one’s strengths and weaknesses…. Perhaps I will grow out of it, or even worse be forced out of it due to promotion. Yeech.

*sighs* I love my Cheffy. He is such a sweet’art. *sighs* Sometimes I wonder if I am just overly blessed, or if this is just making up for the years of suckyness I went through before this (both on my part and on the dude’s …or dame’s part). And yet I know that if I had met him… oh a few years ago, I would never have known what was really up. He is a good person.. with his flaws and all. *rolls eyes lovingly* Men.
Umph. I don’t have much to write about…just a series of random notes on the rather bland status of my life. I have started to grow to truly dislike people asking me ‘what’s new with you?’ especially if they have just finished running down this long list of the new and wonderful things that have happened to them. *sighs* Nothing much I have to reply, almost apologetic and having to admit that I am stuck in a rut that I rather enjoy. I get up, workout, shower, get dressed, maybe grab some breakfast, kiss my sleeping Cheffy good bye, catch the bus to work, work, mess around online, go to a couple of meetings, stretch and try to breathe away the stress, catch the bus home, go home, watch a little TV, read a little, go to bed. On the weekends I go shopping. Maybe cook. It’s a rather scarily peaceful and calm life. It’s not that I don’t like it… it’s just. Dull. And not dull in a mind numbing way.. just dull as in looking from outside (even me) it doesn’t seems the least bit exciting. And really.. it isn’t. But I don’t mind. Does that mean that there is something lacking in me? *shrugs* I don’t know… maybe it just means I am a homebody… maybe it means I am a lazy bum who prefers her creature comforts at home. I don’t know. I think that for working out on the weekends I am going to take out my camera and my tripod and take at least a roll of pictures a weekend….but I will only get them exposed once a month (right after payday) That way I can exercise my legs and my art skills at the same time…and I can learn at least my neighborhood, maybe more. And considering the weather is getting nicer too… hmmm…. Yes I think I will.

Stay Jazzed